I know, I'm anon...but a WWTPD question.

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Posted 10/2/2012 by Annoyedanonymous in NSBR Board
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Annoyedanonymous
PeaWee

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Posted: 10/2/2012 6:34:54 PM
We started carpooling with a family in September. We didn't know them before, but they live near us and it saves some $ on gas taking my child to school. The mom contacted me.
Today, I get a text saying "something happened that we need to discuss ASAP. Don't worry just call me later."
Mmmmkay. So of course, I was busy with work and couldn't call her. I texted back, "did something bad happen with-------child's name?"
She texted back
"Your child was extremely disrespectful."
Oh lord, I'm thinking. What did _____do?
I finally had a chance to call and the story goes like this:
They have a no video game ever rule in the car. My child had brought their handheld Nintendo ds. This child is not supposed to take such things to school, but said child snuck it into backpack this morning. Evidently the mom told said child wasn't allowed to play it and to put it away, which my child did. My child was sitting in the very far back with no window access, and the other kids were playing a game to see who could get the most waves from passerbys. They were waving out the window. she said they were having a blast.Said child decided to get nintendo ds out and play since said child couldn't join in on waving game since my child was in the far back and none of those windows roll down. It's an hour drive to school.
So, upon arriving at school, my child put it away and went on inside.
After said child left car, the daughter of the mom told on my child.

So the mom called me today saying that she was "boiling mad and so disrespected" and that if said child modeled inappropriate behavior again we'd have to stop carpooling. ???

Now, I understand this child disobeyed. The child was wrong. There will be consequences. I was going to make child apologize since she was so upset. But then on the phone she demanded an apology. She also said that her children cannot be around children that are this deceptive, etc. she home schools her other kids and she cannot have bad influences on them.

I didn't argue with her, but I am really stunned by her anger. I guess if it were me, I would approach it as" hey, this happened this morning...just wanted to let you know so you could handle it."

Although she didn't overtly say it, she implied that HER kids always follow the rules and that her children are not allowed to be exposed to kids who break rules.

I mean, I get it. Child broke a rule. I've handled it with the kid. But I'm upset with her comment about being "boiling mad" and insinuating that our family was just a bunch of Neanderthals. I was just taken aback.

I've taken the Nintendo ds away.
Child will apologize (with me present)

But what do I say to the mom now? I just sat on the phone dumbfounded mostly.
Should I quit carpool? Her child that I take to school can be a real snot, but I know kids are kids.
My child (after discussing this) was crying and said ms. So and so hates me now. She'll tell ____not to play with me anymore. I assured child she won't. But she was so angry, idk what she'll tell her kid.

Sorry for typos. I'm on my iPhone.

Eta: child discussed isn't a bad kid. Not perfect, but generally a good kid that sometimes makes bad decisions (like bringing ds to school)

Nicole in TX
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Posted: 10/2/2012 6:38:35 PM
I would have my child apologize and then continue on as normal.

Specifically telling a child not to do something, and then have them turn around and do it anyway IS disrespectful. Your child not only disobeyed you, they disobeyed another adult that is in charge of them.



KittenOnTheKeys
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Posted: 10/2/2012 6:39:31 PM
That Mom is a crazy. My kids would NOT be in the car with her again!

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Posted: 10/2/2012 6:42:49 PM
Yes, it was disrespectful, but I'd be concerned about carpooling with someone who sounds like she can become unhinged at something so small. SO angry. And such a BAD INFLUENCE on her sheltered homeschooled kids?

I'd be happy to discontinue this carpooling relationship. I don't know if I could trust this person with my child. Something about this raises a red flag with me. I just can't put my finger on it.


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AKathy
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Posted: 10/2/2012 6:45:00 PM

I would have my child apologize and then continue on as normal.

Specifically telling a child not to do something, and then have them turn around and do it anyway IS disrespectful. Your child not only disobeyed you, they disobeyed another adult that is in charge of them.

This. And you were planning to have your child apologize but now that the mother is demanding an apology you're mad about it? I don't get it


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Posted: 10/2/2012 6:47:30 PM
If she went that nuts about something that is that benign then she may actually be looking for an excuse to stop carpooling. I mean, seriously? The whole carpooling deal may be off because he got out his game again? How old is he anyway?



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ihearth
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Posted: 10/2/2012 6:47:41 PM

That Mom is a crazy. My kids would NOT be in the car with her again!


ITA, she sounds like a psycho.

AussieMeg
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Posted: 10/2/2012 6:51:02 PM
Wow, sounds like a complete over reaction by the other mother. If I were in your position I would consider 2 options:

1. Dump this woman straight away. Her over the top reaction would piss me off enough to look into alternatives for a different car pool group.

Or, if you have no alternative for car pooling:

2. Have your child apologize and then carry on as normal as Nicole suggested.

Annoyedanonymous
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Posted: 10/2/2012 6:51:12 PM
No, on the phone I was thinking about my plan of action when I got home.
1. Discuss what happened
2. Take away ds
3. Verbal or written apology

Then, later in the Convo she said, "now I expect a full fledged apology."
I agreed. I still agree that child should apologize. I guess it rubbed me the wrong way to demand one?
If I ever was in this situation, I would say...your child did_______, we have these rules we follow, just wanted to let you know so you can deal with it as you see fit.

Of course child will apologize. That was my first instinct, it was just the demanding of one that rubbed me the wrong way. It was just...weird.

Child is 11

molove
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Posted: 10/2/2012 6:52:28 PM
Do you really want to deal with this woman again? You just know it'll be something else, probably very soon. Get out now.

I'm really curious why you felt the need to go anon.
This is such a benign, typical "pea issue" that's not embarassing or reflects badly on you.

PierKiss
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Posted: 10/2/2012 6:53:15 PM
This woman kind of sounds like a loon. If this were the first time something like this had happened, where she feels disrespected over absolutely nothing, I would maybe let it go. But if she has ridiculous reactions to normal child behavior often, I would look to stop the carpooling. Because that is probably not someone I would want my children around. Kinda makes you wonder what else she gets upset so easily about...



JenAllyson
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Posted: 10/2/2012 6:55:00 PM
For an hour-long ride I'd have a "car set" of DSes just to keep the dang kids quiet and occupied.

your kid was in the wrong and should apologize, but its such a minor issue to get that crazy over-the-top angry about. When i read your OP, i thought it was going to be a hitting or swearing issue. She sounds unhinged to me. I'd find someone else to carpool with.


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Fireflyy
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Posted: 10/2/2012 6:55:37 PM
How old is Child?

Annoyedanonymous
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Posted: 10/2/2012 6:57:12 PM
Child is 11.

mdoc
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Posted: 10/2/2012 6:59:29 PM
I wouldn't be carpooling with someone who wouldn't let my kid play with his Nintendo on an hour long car ride. Can you find someone else to carpool with who doesn't have so many rules?

*~*amanda*~*
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:00:03 PM
Id have the kid apologize and move on. I wouldn't even take the ds away. Id do a pat down before going to school for awhile to make sure nothing else is snuck!

I do think the mom way over reacted to the offense. Yes, it was rude and disrespectful, but I don't think its such a horrible offense. Thre are far worse things that could happen.

Anyway, have the kid apologize, move on, and if another situation comes up like this Id quit the carpool and just suck it up and take the kid to school myself.



Epeanymous
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:00:10 PM
Getting that worked up over a child's misbehavior is odd. I'd probably try to chalk this up as a one-off but keep my ears open.

recap.pea
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:03:01 PM
Sounds like she may have been having a bad day and that was just the thing she focused on - not sure that was it but if you haven't had problems before then I would take it as an isolated incident.

I think your approach is good - have child apologize (with you present) and tell mom that you spoke with DS and he understands to listen to her (I understand her reason for the rule since video game sounds can be very distracting to the driver) and she'd probably rather have the kids interact with each other.

Tell her you are sorry she got so upset but the problem is resolved now.

Then I would let it go - if she acted like that again, I might be likely to back out of the carpool but I wouldn't after just one incident.

peapermint
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:06:34 PM
That mom over-reacted. I'd worry that she's too unstable to be driving my kid around.

Obviously, your kid shouldn't have sneaked the DS, but you're dealing with that.

There was a way for the other mom to handle this and she went way over the top.

not2peased
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:09:33 PM

Yes, it was disrespectful, but I'd be concerned about carpooling with someone who sounds like she can become unhinged at something so small. SO angry. And such a BAD INFLUENCE on her sheltered homeschooled kids?

I'd be happy to discontinue this carpooling relationship. I don't know if I could trust this person with my child. Something about this raises a red flag with me. I just can't put my finger on it.


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irishscrappermom8
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:10:47 PM
She sounds crazy really. I mean, she's boiling mad? Really? What's going to happen when something really serious happens?

You may be saving a bit of money carpooling, but I would either drive him myself or find another person to carpool with.





Georgiapea
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:12:52 PM
I would be angry with your child also. It's her car so it's her rules. Just like other people's children have to obey your rules in your house. As for your child's lament of "she hates me" I would explain to him that he brought this on himself.

catfan
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:13:45 PM
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scraptrinkets
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:14:21 PM
Wow! I don't think I would wait around to see how she reacted if child did something really wrong. I think I would quit carpool ASAP.

Just Lizzy
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:19:19 PM
Because there are rules for this sort of thing:

Annoyedanonymous
PeaWee

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Posted: 10/2/2012 6:34:54 PM
We started carpooling with a family in September. We didn't know them before, but they live near us and it saves some $ on gas taking my child to school. The mom contacted me.
Today, I get a text saying "something happened that we need to discuss ASAP. Don't worry just call me later."
Mmmmkay. So of course, I was busy with work and couldn't call her. I texted back, "did something bad happen with-------child's name?"
She texted back
"Your child was extremely disrespectful."
Oh lord, I'm thinking. What did _____do?
I finally had a chance to call and the story goes like this:
They have a no video game ever rule in the car. My child had brought their handheld Nintendo ds. This child is not supposed to take such things to school, but said child snuck it into backpack this morning. Evidently the mom told said child wasn't allowed to play it and to put it away, which my child did. My child was sitting in the very far back with no window access, and the other kids were playing a game to see who could get the most waves from passerbys. They were waving out the window. she said they were having a blast.Said child decided to get nintendo ds out and play since said child couldn't join in on waving game since my child was in the far back and none of those windows roll down. It's an hour drive to school.
So, upon arriving at school, my child put it away and went on inside.
After said child left car, the daughter of the mom told on my child.

So the mom called me today saying that she was "boiling mad and so disrespected" and that if said child modeled inappropriate behavior again we'd have to stop carpooling. ???

Now, I understand this child disobeyed. The child was wrong. There will be consequences. I was going to make child apologize since she was so upset. But then on the phone she demanded an apology. She also said that her children cannot be around children that are this deceptive, etc. she home schools her other kids and she cannot have bad influences on them.

I didn't argue with her, but I am really stunned by her anger. I guess if it were me, I would approach it as" hey, this happened this morning...just wanted to let you know so you could handle it."

Although she didn't overtly say it, she implied that HER kids always follow the rules and that her children are not allowed to be exposed to kids who break rules.

I mean, I get it. Child broke a rule. I've handled it with the kid. But I'm upset with her comment about being "boiling mad" and insinuating that our family was just a bunch of Neanderthals. I was just taken aback.

I've taken the Nintendo ds away.
Child will apologize (with me present)

But what do I say to the mom now? I just sat on the phone dumbfounded mostly.
Should I quit carpool? Her child that I take to school can be a real snot, but I know kids are kids.
My child (after discussing this) was crying and said ms. So and so hates me now. She'll tell ____not to play with me anymore. I assured child she won't. But she was so angry, idk what she'll tell her kid.

Sorry for typos. I'm on my iPhone.

Eta: child discussed isn't a bad kid. Not perfect, but generally a good kid that sometimes makes bad decisions (like bringing ds to school)
First of all, why anon? Other than your really bad spelling, grammar, etc. there is nothing here to hide from? Second, there are two sides to every story, and we are only getting one side. I suspect the other party's version would wildly digress from this account. Third, your 11 year old has a one hour ride to school, and a one hour ride home, every day?

Finally, I call BS on the whole thing. Nope, not even close to being believable.


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aimmer
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:23:14 PM
I agree with Bayta. She sounds off. I would apologize on my child's behalf and be done with her. Why in the world would you not allow a kid to play DS on an hour long ride?



~KimPea~
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:30:03 PM
Are her children apologizing for playing a game that a guest in their car was unable to participate in? Personally I find that just as rude. After I noticed the kid pulled the Ds back out I would've reminded him/her my rule and told my kids to think of a game everyone could play.

I would have my child apologize but no way would I continue to car pool. If she got that wound up about the incident I'd worry she would harp on my kid about it even after the apology.


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myshelly
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:35:01 PM
Why does your child have to drive an hour to get to school?

I would do something to get him out of that situation.


scrap4maddie
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:41:36 PM
I agree with Batya as usual.


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batya
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:53:08 PM

First of all, why anon? Other than your really bad spelling, grammar, etc.


Holy crap and a half-is this really called for? Do you think you can pick at her more b/c she is anon? Do you think anyone is going to take your post seriously when you start off with that kind of unnecessary snark? WTH is the point? Do you feel oh-so-superior now? Dial it back a notch. Or five. For all you know this anon pea could be someone you like very much. Someone who has reached out to you when you needed it. But go ahead and make an attempt to embarrass her publicly. No wonder this place gets a bad rap. Sheesh.

I'd like to have my grade accompanied by a rubric on a scale of 1-4, please. Divide it up on an objective scale including grammar, spelling, content, originality and syntax. Kthxbai.

ETA: and then you call BS on her? For this? Are you new here? BS on carpooling and an angry mom? What do you get out of that?

And if it is in fact BS, you were right. We were wrong. We were all naive idiots who just got taken for a ride and we lost... uh... what did we lose? A few minutes and free advice? Whatever. We'll live. This place slays me.


OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.




PEArfect
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:53:30 PM
First of all, I wouldn't want my child riding an hour to school in a vehicle with someone I just basically met. It wouldn't matter how convenient it was for me.

Second, your child was wrong for not following her rules. Especially after she asked him to put his DS away.

Third, her reaction was way over the top! If you're feeling uncomfortable about this whole situation there is your answer. Start driving your child to school, or find someone else to carpool with.


Jen


Ms. GreenGenes
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:54:36 PM

This woman kind of sounds like a loon. If this were the first time something like this had happened, where she feels disrespected over absolutely nothing, I would maybe let it go. But if she has ridiculous reactions to normal child behavior often, I would look to stop the carpooling. Because that is probably not someone I would want my children around. Kinda makes you wonder what else she gets upset so easily about...


ITA.

JustLizzy, there are plenty of one-hour commutes to school in a carpool. Pick up a kid or two at 10-15 minutes each stop, then a half hour commute, and there you go.

I currently drive my two kids 45 minutes one way to a private school that doesn't bus.

I believe the OP, and I know a few moms just like she describes. They have meltdowns every time their perfect child gets around any other kid who isn't just as perfect. Those families are exhausting. I'd look for another mom to share carpool duties.


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Luvnlifelady
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:57:26 PM
She's letting her kids wave out the window but won't let your kid play video games? Wow, sounds weird.

I don't get that the story doesn't sound the least bit credible. I think it does since I've been around moms that come unglued over minor offenses. I would stop the carpool.



SDeven
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:59:06 PM
Sounds like that mom is going to need a lesson in forgiveness ...






always dieting
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Posted: 10/2/2012 7:59:39 PM
What exactly does she want an 11 year old stuck in the far-back, windowless seat to do for an hour? I would think that the child that got that seat SHOULD have access to a DS since he/she isn't able to play the games the other children are playing. Her rules are out of line, and she went WAY over the top in her tirade. I'd find someone else to carpool with or take said child myself.

MrsPibb
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Posted: 10/2/2012 8:01:17 PM
I'd also be handing out Nintendos for an hour long drive with a carful of kids!

And driving 4 hours a day? That must be a really good school.


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Christine58
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Posted: 10/2/2012 8:02:29 PM
AN HOUR ride??? OMG...sorry but that is wayyyy too long.

Anyhow....this woman is looney tunes and merry melodies....my child would not be in that car again.



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batya
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Posted: 10/2/2012 8:05:07 PM
Regardless of who the OP actually is, I can see why she is posting anon. If you post one personal thing about your kids here and it isn't positive it can be dragged out forever as an example of how you didn't parent correctly.

Look, even on this thread some people make it as if she's horrible for sending her child to school an hour away. Even someone who criticized her for posting anon. Can we have an irony alert? Her reasons are her reasons and she doesn't owe an explanation to anyone.

Some people don't have a thick skin and don't forever wish to be associated with one bad incident or have their children thrown under the bus every time they pea. THis place is ruthless and you never know what turn a thread will take. Who knows what some will say about the OP or her child or what she will be blamed for. And you know damn well what bothers some of you about her posting anon is you just want to know who she is. Otherwise, what's it to you if she posts anon or not. Didn't make a blip on my radar.


OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.




scrapApea
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Posted: 10/2/2012 8:05:09 PM

First of all, why anon? Other than your really bad spelling, grammar, etc.
I agree with Bayta on this

Really? She said she was on her Iphone. You know how hard it is to type all that on that little screen?

_Vanessa_
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Posted: 10/2/2012 8:07:35 PM
So my kid feels left out of a game they can't play for an hour and they quietly entertain themselves...and that's a problem? And we reward tattlers? Who had fun playing a game while my child sat with their hands in their lap (the goal)? No thank you. I will address the duplicity and then drive them myself. When does my child get to sit in the magical unicorn seat wherein children have fun and not the dungeon where they watch others have fun?

Crazy ass people.

And this is coming from me...who doesn't even allow movies on 8 hour drives because you should read to entertain yourself. Don't set my child apart from the fun then expect them to sit on their hands for an hour.
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annoyedanonymous1
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Posted: 10/2/2012 8:13:12 PM
Sorry, I got logged off and I couldn't log back in. This anonymous stuff is a pain. I did it anonymous because shes a sahm mom, homeschooler...so maybe scrabooker too?
It was more if a "just in case" decision.

This is 100% real!

Also, our kids go to a private school that's an hour drive in the morning with traffic. Its about a 45 minute drive home. My child has to attend here for various reasons.

I think I'm just going to have child apologize, and try to move on. If anything else happens I will sever the carpool relationship. I remember thinking when we first met....hmmmm...shes a bit high strung...

Sorry for the spelling and grammar...it's hard to type out on your iphone!

cdnscrapper
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Posted: 10/2/2012 8:14:26 PM
The woman is a loose canon and a nut. She will let kids put their limbs out the window which is quite dangerous but freaks when your child takes out the ds? I agree your child disrespected her by playing the ds but the mothers reaction was over the top crazy. I would not be participating in a car pool with someone who reacts way over the top.



peano
Helicopter Dog Mom

PeaNut 43,034
July 2002
Posts: 6,992
Layouts: 4
Loc: Connecticut

Posted: 10/2/2012 8:15:21 PM

First of all, why anon? Other than your really bad spelling, grammar, etc. there is nothing here to hide from? Second, there are two sides to every story, and we are only getting one side. I suspect the other party's version would wildly digress from this account. Third, your 11 year old has a one hour ride to school, and a one hour ride home, every day?

Finally, I call BS on the whole thing. Nope, not even close to being believable.



Holy shit, are you kidding me!? I was about to bow down to her for doing that enormous post on a frigging iPhone. That would have taken me about 2 weeks.

Also, unless you and your child knew about her rabid anti-video game rules in advance (and it doesn't seem like you did), her reaction was WAY overboard. I mean, I would understand her reaction if your DS was doing something that was distracting to her as the driver.

If I were you, I would have DS apologize to the mom, let DS do his time, and most of all, I'd been getting out of that arrangement FAST! I don't do stress in the morning and I can't imagine feeling like the other shoe was about to drop. Who knows what other crazy ass rules she has?


My stuff:
Canon 7D
Canon Rebel XT
kit lens 18-55mm
28-135mm IS 3.5-5.6
50mm 1.8
85mm 1.8
580EXII Speedlite
CS5
LR4




annoyedanonymous1
PeaWee

PeaNut 568,457
October 2012
Posts: 9
Layouts: 0

Posted: 10/2/2012 8:22:29 PM
Thank you for defending me.
I'm a real pea. I post often. Just wanted a bit of insight on an emotionally charged discussion I had today.
Kiddo is sorry, understands the consequences and it prepared to apologize. All of which I would have made them do even if she didn't demand an apology.

Maryland
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 87,597
May 2003
Posts: 11,075
Layouts: 0

Posted: 10/2/2012 8:26:49 PM
I'm confused about seeing "said" child a lot. Is that your child or another child?

I think if the child in the back was not included in the game because that child couldn't see out the window, the lady should have let the child play with the nintendo. I think she overreacted. We always try to let the child we are driving get his or her choice of seats. Sorry your child had to go through this.


batya
Making the WWW better, one post at a time.

PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
Posts: 32,845
Layouts: 24
Loc: up on my high horse

Posted: 10/2/2012 8:27:17 PM
I don't think asking for the apology is the problem, though of course you would have him do so. It's how she went about it. I would also be put of by such a demand. It's the demeanor and the tone and that is what I suspect bothered you. As it should. She sounds like a real problem. I don't think your child will feel safe or comfortable with her and if I were you, I would look into other options, stat.


OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.




Julee
=)

PeaNut 171,562
October 2004
Posts: 10,617
Layouts: 0
Loc: The 'Nati

Posted: 10/2/2012 8:28:29 PM
Don't you just wish you could say something like, "I think it's probably a good idea that we discontinue our carpool at this time. I understand that you don't want your children to be exposed to misbehavior and disrespect. And I don't want my child exposed to someone who has such a crazy overreaction to it!"

I would never say that to her. I would just dream of it!


=)Julee

Still KeepingQuinn!
just another stranger's blog




annoyedanonymous1
PeaWee

PeaNut 568,457
October 2012
Posts: 9
Layouts: 0

Posted: 10/2/2012 8:31:16 PM
Said child is my child. I was trying to avoid she/he. Sorry if its co fusing to read.

JenAllyson
The Project Pea

PeaNut 139,756
April 2004
Posts: 8,446
Layouts: 30
Loc: Sacramento

Posted: 10/2/2012 8:31:21 PM
lol Julee. I would just want to fill up my car with all sorts of portable electronics and have it be a free-for-all every day I was driving until the other mom's head exploded and she refused to share a carpool with me.




KateMarie
I'd rather be in Disney World!

PeaNut 165,323
August 2004
Posts: 5,414
Layouts: 0
Loc: Just outside of Boston, Ma.

Posted: 10/2/2012 8:37:14 PM
I'm another who would be allowing the Nintendo DS, my (also) 11 year old son would get car sick on that ride quickly. I'm sure she'd be beyooond 'boiling mad' at that one!


~Kate~







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