VENT - I know it's mean, but I owe it!!

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Posted 11/15/2012 by chunky-monkey in NSBR Board


PeaNut 264,595
June 2006
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Posted: 11/15/2012 8:02:46 PM
I'm so frustrated right now. I had a miscarriage in 2002. Delivered a healthy baby in 2004. Miscarriages again in 2010, 2011, 2012. In fact, this is the week, I would have been due.

Yesterday, was the anniversary of my Dad's death.

And today, my Mom called to tell me my 18 year niece is pregnant. A High School Senior, who now will never get out of my sister's in-laws house. I know because my sister hasn't left her husband's parent's house since she had my niece 18 years ago.

I'm so frustrated!! WHY WHY WHY!! My DH and I can afford a baby, want a baby, would LOVE a baby.

My niece has never known a hard day's work in her life. She has no flipping clue what she is up against, especially since the Dad is a deadbeat loser (my sister's words).

I understand that everything has a reason, and it's not for me to know God's plan. (I try really hard not to question HIM.) But sometimes, it's hard and I wonder why do we suffer and teenagers get knocked up like it's nothing. This child will most likely be a doll/toy to my niece, and when she's done, someone else will clean up the mess. (That's the way it is/was with her dogs, her cats, her fish, her rabbits, you name . . .) She had a job this summer and when it got hard, she quit.

And before anyone bashes me for not loving this child, well you're wrong, I will love this baby like nobody's business because I simply love babies. But, I'll do it tomorrow. Tonight, I'm MAD!

Thanks for listening.

It's all just nonsense anyway!

PeaNut 97,456
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Posted: 11/15/2012 8:06:16 PM
I'm sorry. I don't suppose there's any chance she'll let you adopt the she can go to college?

Your sister has been living with her in-laws for 18 years? Did I read that right???


PeaNut 542,144
February 2012
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Posted: 11/15/2012 8:11:33 PM
Thanks for venting.

When we were trying for a child in the early 1980's, I had 3 miscarriages and then a very high risk pregnancy with DS.

More 'women trouble' - right ovary removed, secondary infertility, and another 3 miss.

My friends were all popping out babies, I would cry when a pampers commercial would come on.

Then finally I became pregnant with DD, again high risk pregnancy.

I would get frustrated/angry/resentful (kept emotions in check - inside) when friends would be complaining of managing 2 or more children at one time and would "joke" at all the free time that I had.

I was restricted to most activities and there went the social life...

You have every reason to feel this way. Vent away on this board.

I will be thinking positive thoughts about your situation.

PEAceful Pea

PeaNut 14,521
April 2001
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Posted: 11/15/2012 8:12:01 PM
I would be venting too. It really sucks when things are so unfair for no apparent reason.


Really Red
Pea-ceful and Hap-pea

PeaNut 24,951
November 2001
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Posted: 11/15/2012 8:18:04 PM
Vent away. It doesn't seem fair at all and particularly to that poor baby. I truly hope that you will get a Christmas miracle. Hugs.


When one door of happiness closes, another opens; But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
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Pea Who Should Be Cleaning!

PeaNut 145,006
May 2004
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Posted: 11/15/2012 8:35:23 PM
Vent away and ((((hugs))) to you.....


PeaNut 264,595
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Posted: 11/15/2012 8:41:01 PM

I don't suppose there's any chance she'll let you adopt the she can go to college?

You know I thought of this. But, I don't think my BIL will allow it to happen. Plus, niece has boundary issues, so DH and I would never really be the parents. In my niece's mind, we would be glorified babysitters until she was ready to play Mom. And this is her ticket out of college. (I don't know if it was planned, but I won't be the least bit surprised.)

Your sister has been living with her in-laws for 18 years? Did I read that right???

My sister and her husband are also teenage parents. They moved out on several occasions, but have always returned to BIL's parents' house. They lived somewhere else for a combined total of 6 months. 15 years ago when they had their second child, they stopped moving out.


PeaNut 264,595
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Posted: 11/15/2012 8:45:10 PM
Momof1child - I'm so sorry for all of your suffering. It sux!! I do really well with the fact my friends and family have had babies. But, this one simply made me mad. My niece just found out at the drs today. According to my Mom, she didn't know until the dr told her. My sister was in the office with her. I haven't talked to my sister yet. I have no idea what to say to her.

ETA: They didn't go to the dr to find out either, (they were there to do a work up before she had surgery) it's a complete and utter surprise.

She calls me a Fun Sucker

PeaNut 38,100
May 2002
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Posted: 11/15/2012 8:52:38 PM
Oh sweetie - how frustrating! I am so sorry -

"The sharpest criticism often goes hand in hand with the deepest idealism and love of country." - Robert F. Kennedy


PeaNut 9,287
January 2001
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Posted: 11/15/2012 8:54:30 PM
my daughter is going through fertility treatments right now. Each month she doesn't get pregnant, well those who have gone through it know what she feels each month. While everyone in the world seems to be getting pregnant around her. Her brother in law got his girlfriend pregnant and complains around watching the baby on his weekends and there she sits willing to do anything to have the baby she desperately wants. She is taking a break from treatments during the holidays. As her mother it breaks my heart. So yeah, vent away!!!!

PEAsed to be here

PeaNut 88,667
May 2003
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Posted: 11/15/2012 9:03:49 PM
Awwww {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}


Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 6,487
September 2000
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Posted: 11/15/2012 9:05:19 PM
I completely understand your frustration. Mine is similar, but somewhat different. We as well went through miscarriages and infertility, only to finally get pregnant with triplets. We lost one baby at 11 weeks, then delivered my twins at 26 weeks. Did the NICU rollercoaster and consider our now 14 1/2 yr olds the best blessing and gift.

My frustration- those who continue to abuse themselves with alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, etc during their pregnancy only to deliver healthy 9 pound, bouncing babies without the blink of an eye. I took such good care of myself, ate right, rested, just did everything possible to guarantee a healthy start to these two precious babies. I vent that I lost my "perfect" pregnancy, and struggled for at least two years with premature issues, health issues, learning issues, etc.

Again - I know every time I look at my kids how very lucky we are/have been aside from the whole of the experience. I just have to shake my head at the opposite extreme of the equation. And whenever I hear of a child being abused, at the hands of unappreciative parents, I just want to cry, and often do.

Hugs to you- I hope knowing that there are those of us who can understand and relate to your situation helps you come to peace within yourself. You are not alone.

I Typo & I don't care

PeaNut 270,444
July 2006
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Posted: 11/15/2012 9:11:14 PM
I don't have any words of wisdom, just want to extend a ((hug)).

- - - The glass isn't half full or half empty. It's just twice as big as it needs to be. Downsize your life. <3 - - -


PeaNut 205,553
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Posted: 11/15/2012 9:16:36 PM
No bashing from me. Years of infertility treatments, 7 miscarriages, 1 high risk twin pg, NICU stay for my preemies, more infertility treatments and finally, adoption. I was in a support group and we used to joke that the next month we were all going on the crack protocol. It seemed to be a very successful treatment plan. Gallows humor - it gets you through.

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PeaNut 69,453
February 2003
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Posted: 11/15/2012 9:23:43 PM
I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have every right to vent. I felt the same way when we were trying too. ((HUGS))


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PeaNut 101,686
August 2003
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Posted: 11/15/2012 9:33:17 PM
It's not mean. I've been there, done that. It sucks, and I'm sorry. I found out my crack/meth addict SIL is pregnant with her 2nd kid. I threw a shoe at the wall.

Lots of Hugs to you. And validation for your feelings as well.

We adopted the 2nd child niece was pregnant with (first at 17, 2nd at 19). Because of paperwork snafus, we ended up staying for a month with our newborn. It was quite a balance of boundaries while we were there. But since we live 2500 miles away, it worked out fine.

Yes, I can spell. No, my Kindle can't.
Just my humble opinion. And no, I wasn't being mean.


PeaNut 87,007
May 2003
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Posted: 11/15/2012 9:34:35 PM
The reason is this: other people's fertility have no effect on yours.

It sucks but there it is. We are looking for a surrogate, an impossible task in Australia. My 16 year old cousin is 30 weeks pregnant and just told her parents. That's life and it's unfair when you really want a family and other people seem to have such an easy time of it. You can apply that to anything though (finances, health, etc) and it all just comes down to "life isn't always fair".

I understand your vent and I know it helps to get it out. I selfishly was hoping my cousin would want to give the baby up for adoption so we could approach her about it, but that's not the case.


Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 497,090
January 2011
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Posted: 11/15/2012 9:37:29 PM
I got pregnant at the same as a friend. I lost my last one at 3 months, and she had hers. This is so awful of me, but I can not stand to be around them anymore.

so go ahead and vent.

Sick of Snow

PeaNut 41,352
June 2002
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Posted: 11/15/2012 9:37:47 PM
I understand.
I am so sorry. You have every right to feel angry... vent away.

The Project Pea

PeaNut 139,756
April 2004
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Posted: 11/15/2012 9:37:58 PM
I understand. My 17 year old niece got pregnant while I was in my 6th year of infertility (including 3 miscarriages). I would have been thrilled for her if she was a few years older, but it was definitely bittersweet. I now have 2 little ones and her life is a mess, but she is a good mom and loves her DD to the moon and back. Her life will be rough for many more years so I try to be as kind and supportive of her as I can be. But I do know what you're going through and wish you the best with your family.

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Plus Peanut and Ollie in Heaven

PeaNut 380,257
June 2008
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Posted: 11/15/2012 9:43:59 PM

I understand that everything has a reason, and it's not for me to know God's plan. (I try really hard not to question HIM]

I tried for a long time not to be angry at God, much less question the reason. Then one day I just lost it. Crying and asking "why". I discovered He's big enough to handle my anger, sadness and frustration. I've never gotten the "why" answered to my satisfaction, but I can tell you there are times He has comforted me even in my anger. I wish I could tell you it gets better with time, but really the heartache just comes and goes. After 2O years of infertility, the pain just comes less often.


"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic-on a level with a man who says he is a poached egg-or else he would be the devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him...or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He did not leave that option open to us. He did not intend to."

C. S. Lewis - Mere Christianity


PeaNut 438,682
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Posted: 11/15/2012 9:49:19 PM
((hugs)) to you OP. It is frustrating & it isn't fair.

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PeaNut 44,870
August 2002
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Posted: 11/15/2012 9:54:59 PM
I don't know. My husband is in India on business and today they are going to visit an orphanage full of little girls who've been raped and abused.

Life is not fair. Bad things happen to good people and vice versa. Good things happen to bad people. And everything in between.

It must add a layer of pain if one believes an omniscient entity has orchestrated it all. It's ok to not be all sunshine and butterflies right away. Hopefully, though, you will find peace with this new reality eventually.

"When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself." -- Wayne Dyer

Wise~old Pea

PeaNut 17,460
June 2001
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Posted: 11/15/2012 10:15:39 PM
Vent here all you want. It's just plain tough when these things happen.


PeaNut 215,734
July 2005
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Posted: 11/15/2012 11:01:39 PM
I wish I had some answers for you but I do not.
All I can do is send you {{{{{HUGS}}}}}



PeaNut 279,621
October 2006
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Posted: 11/15/2012 11:09:47 PM
I think venting is normal and healthy... In the right setting. Therefore, this is a good spot! There are lots of us that have been in that position and know how hard it is to remain positive on the outside while melting down on the inside. I see kids every day that are mistreated and families that continue to grow, even when they aren't meeting the needs of their existing children. Why does it happen? I don't know... It sucks. Hugs to you...


PeaNut 82,273
April 2003
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Posted: 11/15/2012 11:10:54 PM
I know how you feel. We spent 7 years and a little over $100,00.00 TTC. The day I was told my choices were a full hysterectomy or die within the next 6-9 months was also the day I found out my 17yr old SIL was pregnant. Two weeks later my other SIL had her 4th the day of my surgery.

"It's ALL just paper......'til you add adhesive, a little love and some pixie dust."


****I wish you Love, it's All you need. I wish you Laughter, and hope you find Joy in the journey. I wish you Tickles, because you can't tickle someone without touching them and forming a connection. I wish you Teases, because everyone needs a little humour to get them through the rough spots. I wish you Frogs, because there are NO Frogs just Handsome Princes & Beautiful Princesses who don't know who they are, everyone needs someone to love them in spite of themselves warts and all. Finally I wish you Jelly Beans because life's sweetest moments can come in all sorts of colours and flavours.****Crookston Family Motto****



PeaNut 2,698
February 2000
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Posted: 11/15/2012 11:19:04 PM
I feel your pain. I am not able to have children naturally or adopt. I say adopt because I do not qualify for health reasons. It's a sensitive topic for DH and I together. It's one thing I wish I could really really change.

That being said. I watched my drug addicted step sister give birth to two babies with severe defects. My parents are raising the first and the grandparents of baby daddy #2 are raising the other. Rumor has it she's pregnant again. I don't know if she's drug free.
A cousin also gave birth two three kids The dad just took the three before they got taken into custody (they were separated and she's been on and off drugs etc) and she had another one(different daddy)that the state is looking into taking if the ex (even though the kids not his) wants it. That ones a long complicated mess.

It makes me angry.I can't even have the option to take them. We've
spent as much time with my nephew as possible. I've talked about him on here before. We have that special bond with the heart stuff so I'll take that as a special blessing and the experiences we've gone through together. I have to take the good and see the good where I can otherwise I just end up being really angry.

At the same time when my married sisters with families are pregnant I'm giddy. My baby sister just had her first after 14years of marriage they are thrilled and I'm thrilled for them she hesitated to tell me but I understood why and told them I would do anything for them!!

I wish I could give you a hug!Sometimes I know there just aren't words.


PeaNut 321,764
June 2007
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Posted: 11/15/2012 11:28:06 PM
Oh, I totally get it - been there, too - and so vent away! We finally became parents when we adopted our baby girl from China. And I can't imagine her not being my daughter. BUT, I did want more than one child - and it didn't happen. So while I'm always happy for my friends and family who get pregnant, it is bittersweet for me. In fact, just today, a friend who told me on Halloween that they were planning to try to get pregnant just announced her pregnancy today. I was like !!! Seriously, it seems that all some people have to do is snap their fingers and they are instantly pregnant. But I recognize that this is sensitive for me, and I'd never tell her that while happy for her, I also felt that familiar sting.

Hugs to you - and we know you will love that baby! But for now - just be gentle with yourself. What you are feeling is totally normal for what you have been through.


PeaNut 55,742
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Posted: 11/15/2012 11:33:54 PM
I'm sorry. Somethings just never make sense. .

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PeaNut 23,192
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Posted: 11/16/2012 6:35:23 AM
Despite my signature that says I am the mother of 5 children, I do understand a bit what you are going through. Before I had my first son, I had three miscarriages and underwent infertility treatments. (So demoralizing, humiliating and just not fun!)

Then, just when I thought I had magically turned into a fertility goddess, I had my fourth miscarriage between my 4th and 5th child. It sucks, to see people having children so easily, and without any thought. I used to joke with my husband that we should we pretend we were 16, have sex in the back of the car at the park and we would for sure get pregnant.

These are normal, natural feelings because they are yours and they come from the heart. They need to be expressed or they will eat you up from the inside. So come here and complain to the pod whenever you feel the need. We can take it.

Lots of hugs


Mom to Nick, Sarah, Sophie, Noah, and Alexandra
Wife to Chris

Lost and Found in Pea-land

PeaNut 138,098
March 2004
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Loc: NC but wishing I was somewhere else

Posted: 11/16/2012 7:21:12 AM
vent have a right to.


PeaNut 194,574
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Posted: 11/16/2012 7:24:25 AM
I'm so sorry. You have every right to vent away. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers and hoping you'll have your little miracle soon.

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 428,374
June 2009
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Posted: 11/16/2012 7:43:05 AM

But sometimes, it's hard and I wonder why do we suffer and teenagers get knocked up like it's nothing

I know it's hard to look at this another way, but who's to say that this young woman won't suffer by having a child so young- or that she hasn't already suffered from her upbringing, making bad choices in boyfriend etc? I wouldn't have wanted a child at 18 for my daughter, as she would have missed out on her fantastic 4 year University experience, living in Spain for 3 months one year and for a whole year when she studied in Spain for her 3rd year at Uni. My stepson and his girlfriend had a baby just over a year ago aged 19 and they are struggling so badly. They never stop arguing, they have both lost out on the careers they hoped for ( my stepson had a place at Dartford college to study to be a Royal Airforce pilot) they have no social life and rub along from one month to the next in a tiny one-bed flat in a rough area about 250 miles from us, so that our practical support is pretty limited.

I do know something of what you have suffered. I had years of infertility, then 3 miscarriages. My first child, my daughter, was a twin, but I miscarried her twin at 14 weeks. I couldn't face trying again for quite a while, then had a mother miscarriage. I surprisingly got pregnant again, then had a nightmare pregnancy with my oldest son, spending time in hospital and then having him prematurely. I suffered dreadful post natal depression after him, then my husband at the time was rushed into hospital with advanced Lupus and I thought he would die.

My third child was a 'surprise' when I as 41. He is a blessing and a little bit of a challenge, being on the Autism spectrum. I have also recently had colon cancer, having suffered total ulcerative colitis for 25 years.

My sister , on the other hand,has never been ill. Got pregnant at first attempt aged 35, gave birth like clockwork. Had her second at 38 like clockwork, both children fit and well. Her life appears charmed against mine- but I don't measure it like that. I am truly thankful for what I have and trials and tribulations led me to my relationship with God, something my sister cannot understand.

I really feel for you, and hope that things work out for you and your niece.

My final comment is that reading ' when bad things happen to good people' really gave me some perspective on all of this,

It's not the passage of time that heals. It's what you do with that time.


PeaNut 298,188
February 2007
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Posted: 11/16/2012 2:26:36 PM
I'm sorry I have had my share of miscarriages It's hard and it's even harder watching people have babies who don't want them Hugs to you!

I am so thankful for the one child I have. I don't think I'm brave enough to try again after everything I've been through to have my son.


PeaNut 211,963
June 2005
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Posted: 11/16/2012 2:48:25 PM
Vent Away!! While I was in year 3 of struggling to get pregnant, my sister got pregnant while on birth control pills! (or so she said). Then they found a newborn in the dumpster in our town. I was more than angry.. It is just not fair. After 4 years of infertility we finally had our DS and then spent another 7 years trying for another before we just gave up and decided we were thrilled to be the parents of our one son.



PeaNut 314,157
May 2007
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Posted: 11/16/2012 2:57:15 PM
Vent away! And you have past tomorrow to do it!


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PeaNut 65,877
January 2003
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Posted: 11/16/2012 2:59:53 PM
Totally understand and there is nothing wrong with venting many of us have done that over fertility issues. It is so heartbreaking to try so hard for one and watch other people that shouldn't have them because they can't afford them pop them out one after the other. I went through infertility and have known many others as well that went through this. Life seems so unfair sometimes. Drove me nuts when SIL was upset that she didn't get pregnant the first month she tried it took her a whole two months - think it was the same the next go around as well. I don't wish anything bad on anyone and was happy for her but it is heartbreaking when all you want it kids and can't seem to get there while others can do so so easily. You think it should be the easiest thing in the world but often it isn't. Hugs to you.



PeaNut 15,108
May 2001
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Posted: 11/16/2012 3:19:35 PM
It is so frustrating when you want nothing more than to have a baby, and everyone around you is pregnant even when they do not want to be and/or when their life situations make having a baby a poor choice at present.

Hugs and best wishes. Many of us have been where you are.


PeaNut 382,038
July 2008
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Posted: 11/16/2012 6:06:21 PM
totally get it, i've had my own fertility struggles. vent away.

i also remember when bff finally got pregnant, had a miscarriage and then continue to go to work for months with two women that were due at the same time as she had been (both went full term). she heard about each ultrasound and how the "baby was kicking, do you want to feel it?". one was a "surprise" baby so mom spent the entire pregnancy talking about how much it sucked. that was her reality, but really hard for bbf to hear every day.

sometimes life is not fair.
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