Adultry.
Post ReplyPost New TopicPosted 11/26/2012 by obsidian in NSBR Board
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obsidian
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Posted: 11/26/2012 1:25:36 AM
I was reading another forum. (How dare i?) Anyway. There was a lot of talk about adultery being the end of the world. And how it was aberrant behavior and one of the worst things that could ever happen.

Agree/disagree. I'll see if this thread takes wings and post my view point later.

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Posted: 11/26/2012 1:36:51 AM
Agree.




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Posted: 11/26/2012 1:46:45 AM
End of the world? No, though after you find out, you may wish it was.

When I found out my spouse of 23 years (together 30) was having a long term affair, I was devastated. I cannot imagine ever being that emotionally torn apart by another human being. I was told by a psychologist that adultery is more damaging than being widowed because of the issues of betrayal and broken trust. It is the hardest, most heart breaking thing I could ever imagine living through, outside the death of one of my children.

That being said, it was not the end of the world. It was a hell that I survived. I may be a bit battered and broken, but there is life after adultery. Not with the asshole who betrayed me - I deserve better than him.


Gail

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Posted: 11/26/2012 1:48:34 AM
Oh. Sorry. Must not have read the OP carefully enough.

End of the world? No.

Abhorrent behavior. Yes.




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obsidian
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Posted: 11/26/2012 1:58:08 AM

I deserve better than him.


I like this.

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Posted: 11/26/2012 2:01:30 AM

In my opinion adultry is not the end of the world. It is however an absolute deal breaker in a relationship.


gar
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Posted: 11/26/2012 2:06:21 AM
I'm certain it must feel like the end of the world if you're the one to suffer as a result of it.

Abhorrent behaviour? Of course it is to most right thinking people although there'll be some who justify it I'm sure.





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Posted: 11/26/2012 2:47:36 AM
I agree it's heartbreaking but not a deal breaker for me (or at least it wasn't, it might be if it happened again).

I'm in a much different place now though so who knows what I would do. Kids are older as well.

Whenever this comes up, there are people that say it's an absolute deal breaker. There really is no real way to know that until it happens. I would've said that too until it did happen. Then, you have to consider a lot of things and not just a "kick him to the curb" knee-jerk reaction.



gar
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Posted: 11/26/2012 3:41:24 AM

Whenever this comes up, there are people that say it's an absolute deal breaker. There really is no real way to know that until it happens. I would've said that too until it did happen. Then, you have to consider a lot of things and not just a "kick him to the curb" knee-jerk reaction.


Agree wholeheartedly.



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Long ago Barney
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Posted: 11/26/2012 5:47:46 AM
I agree with all the other posters about people who think its a deal breaker until
They r there. I thought that too but circumstances can b different and usually r n every situation. Not a deal breaker.


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Posted: 11/26/2012 5:54:49 AM

Whenever this comes up, there are people that say it's an absolute deal breaker. There really is no real way to know that until it happens. I would've said that too until it did happen. Then, you have to consider a lot of things and not just a "kick him to the curb" knee-jerk reaction.


Agree wholeheartedly.


I also agree with this. I don't have any links (boo, me) but I have been reading that more and more couples are opting to stay together after one has had an affair. When there's an affair, I believe it's a symptom of what's wrong with the marriage...



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Posted: 11/26/2012 6:11:02 AM
The end of the world? If that were the case, the world would have ended centures ago since adultry has been going on for probably as long as people have been in committed relationships.

As far as it being aberrant behavior (which means deviating from the norm) sadly not so much. It is fairly commonplace and while I wouldn't say it't the "norm", it's actually not all that exceptional and unusual. Now, is it the worst thing in the world? Knowing people who have been through it, I would say (as others have said), it probably feels like it to the betrayed party. People I know who have been the victims of adultery equate it to feeling like a death, and in a sense it is--it's the death of trust and what you thought your marriage was.

In reality though, I would say it's not the worst thing ever. While it may *feel* like a death, it isn't one. Marriages can recover from it and do all the time; they can actually become stronger. There is no recovery from death. I would say murder, torture, abuse of children, *those* are the worst things ever.

gar
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Posted: 11/26/2012 6:44:07 AM

As far as it being aberrant behavior (which means deviating from the norm)


You learn something every day Thank you.



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Posted: 11/26/2012 7:15:26 AM
End of the world? No.

End of the marriage? For me... Most likely.

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Posted: 11/26/2012 7:24:42 AM
It would be the end of the world for my DH cuz he would be a very lucky man if he missed the shots from my 38.


Whenever this comes up, there are people that say it's an absolute deal breaker. There really is no real way to know that until it happens. I would've said that too until it did happen. Then, you have to consider a lot of things and not just a "kick him to the curb" knee-jerk reaction.



I completely disagree. It's a complete, total and irrevocable deal breaker for me. There is no grey area around this and DH knows it.



Roundtwo
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Posted: 11/26/2012 7:32:09 AM

When there's an affair, I believe it's a symptom of what's wrong with the marriage...
I will never ever accept this as a fact. Never.

An affair is the result of someone too wrapped up in themselves, too self-centred and selfish and too immature to understand that breaking the trust in a relationship is never the answer to any problem.

If I had a nickel for every person who claims they had an affair because they were unhappy in their marriage and their marriage had been over years ago, I'd never have to work again.

Anyway, as to the question in the OP, I agree with the others who have said there are definitely worse things than adultry in the world. Adultry does however deliver quite the knockout punch. I don't wish it on anyone, not even my ex and his girlfried.







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Posted: 11/26/2012 7:41:34 AM

An affair is the result of someone too wrapped up in themselves, too self-centred and selfish and too immature to understand that breaking the trust in a relationship is never the answer to any problem.


This was certainly true in my situation. My marriage broke because my DH pulled away emotionally when he decided his needs weren't being met. He wasn't able to communicate with me. There was nothing I could do to bring him back and prevent his affair. I knew there was something wrong, tried talking to him, tried to fix it. But he was set on his path of convincing himself that the marriage was bad so that he could continue the fun of his new relationship.

Adultery isn't a symptom that the marriage is broken or bad. Its the manifestation of a broken person that is emotionally immature, unable to communicate or too self centered to see how their actions effect others.

To the OP, it isn't the end of the world. Just the world as you know it. And that is devastating to the betrayed spouse. And in many cases, it is devastating to the cheating spouse as well. But it wasn't a deal breaker in my marriage and I have seen other marriages survive.

The behavior is no more aberrant than any other coping mechanism we come up with when dealing with life's struggles. Some are more destructive like addictions. While others are more benign.

Me GOP
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Posted: 11/26/2012 8:39:02 AM

An affair is the result of someone too wrapped up in themselves, too self-centred and selfish and too immature to understand that breaking the trust in a relationship is never the answer to any problem.


Totally agree.


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Posted: 11/26/2012 8:42:50 AM
Agree. A marriage CAN be save after adultry if BOTH parties want to make it work. But yes, it is absolutely inexcusable, although not the end of the world.




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Posted: 11/26/2012 8:59:50 AM
Adultery is by no means aberrant behavior, but it is abhorrent behavior


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sunny_day
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Posted: 11/26/2012 9:04:29 AM
Abhorrent behavior: Yes

Aberrant behavior: Depends on how you define it.

DH and I have a great relationship and trust each other implicitly. I can't imagine how it would feel if he did something like that. I'm sure it would seem like the end of the world at the time.

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Posted: 11/26/2012 9:15:58 AM
Adultery is a huge betrayal of trust and a major (fatal in many cases) blow to a marriage. I wouldn't say it's the end of the world, or even the worst thing that could happen. For instance, as between my husband committing adultery and the death or serious illness of an immediate family member, I'd say the latter is worse, and I could think of many other "worse" things. I would consider it to be aberrant behavior. I refuse to believe that adultery is the norm.


When there's an affair, I believe it's a symptom of what's wrong with the marriage...
I will never ever accept this as a fact. Never.

An affair is the result of someone too wrapped up in themselves, too self-centred and selfish and too immature to understand that breaking the trust in a relationship is never the answer to any problem.


I agree with this. If there's a problem with the marriage, a mature, caring, upstanding person works on the marriage or ends it. You don't go out and have an affair.

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Posted: 11/26/2012 9:26:38 AM
No to adultery - have been on the receiving end - absolute deal breaker.

First marriage ended & I survived.
Only to be living a wonderful life with a truly wonderful spouse.

For this, I give thanks to my 1st husband, and my courage & determination that I will get through & I deserve better.

My 2nd husband also left his 1st marriage because of his cheating wife.

End of the world - absolutely not!


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Posted: 11/26/2012 9:42:26 AM
Well, let me give you a little background. Early on in our "courtship" I told my now hubby that if he ever cheated on me, I would own him for the rest of his life. He would regret it with every fiber of his being.

I wasn't kidding. If you're not happy, you LEAVE THE MARRIAGE FIRST before engaging in another relationship. Otherwise, you are scum of the earth to me. Yes, I'm pretty vehement in my opinion on the matter.

This declaration was one of a handful of things that make me wonder why dh didn't run screaming in the opposite direction. LOL!

ETA: My "opinion" on the matter is based on multiple and varied childhood experiences. I *know* I wouldn't be able to live with someone who did this to me. I would NOT want to work on things. That may not be the right approach or thought to have but it is how I feel. With 22 years of marriage (with an additional 3 years of being together before that), we're doing good so far. I can only hope we're doing things right and it will continue to be a matter that doesn't touch us.


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Posted: 11/26/2012 10:07:45 AM
As much as I hate to quote to Taylor Swift, I would have to say that if my spouse cheated my response would be: We are never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever getting back together.

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Posted: 11/26/2012 10:52:48 AM



Epeanymous
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Posted: 11/26/2012 11:54:41 AM
Like some other posters, I do 't think I can answer this without being in the situation.

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Posted: 11/26/2012 12:03:41 PM

It would be the end of the world for my DH cuz he would be a very lucky man if he missed the shots from my 38.


really? that's being dramatic...would you CHASE him with your 38 though?

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Posted: 11/26/2012 12:24:39 PM
I wouldn't say it was the end of the world. You grow through it and move on. If you don't / can't then there is something else there preventing you from doing so.


Adultery isn't a symptom that the marriage is broken or bad. Its the manifestation of a broken person that is emotionally immature, unable to communicate or too self centered to see how their actions effect others.
I agree with this. There is always at least one opportunity before you get to the point that you drop your drawers with someone else that you could back out and do the right thing first.

eta: having btdt, I can safely and definitely say it would be a deal breaker for me.





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Posted: 11/26/2012 12:26:40 PM

There is always at least one opportunity before you get to the point that you drop your drawers with someone else that you could back out and do the right thing first.


lol...i don't know why this visual made me crack up!

obsidian
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Posted: 11/26/2012 3:17:40 PM
Thanks.

I have traveled a lot and tend to view humans as driven by two competing biological urges the urge to mate with as many genetically receptive individuals as possible and the urge to create a stable pair bond to keep children safe until adulthood.

And I tend to view sexual adultery as a normal result of human behavior. I have seen enough of it. And to me the real adultery is the betrayal when an individual stomps on their spouses emotional needs or falls in love with somebody else. The disrespecting the spouse and the family unit to me is the adultery. And when a spouse is disrespected he/she deserves better.

Thank you for your stories they have been very insightful.

sunny_day
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Posted: 11/26/2012 3:24:15 PM
Kelpea, thanks for that web site. As someone majoring in Psychology and thinking about going to grad school to be a therapist, that information is really good to know.

obsidian
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Posted: 11/26/2012 3:25:23 PM

There is always at least one opportunity before you get to the point that you drop your drawers with someone else that you could back out and do the right thing first.


This might not go well. I was just about to get to know a young man rather well when he insisted on bringing in a third person. And if it's two men and one woman it's almost always going to be the woman stuck watching. So I declined and left so they pushed me into a potted palm.

Very bad manners.

I got a lot of millage out of that story. Jerks make great stories.

Next time a gay couple asked me to join then I asked could I bring my knitting. lol.

Gay rights are very important. It stops them hitting on hetro women in order to have a beard.

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Posted: 11/26/2012 3:28:27 PM
It would be devasting & heart breaking no doubt. If it were just once & he came clean about it then that would cause long term damage but I personally would not divorce over that. If the affair was long term than that would be a much bigger problem & I don't know if we could overcome that or not. I know many many strong marriages that survived an affair.

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Posted: 11/26/2012 3:41:11 PM

really? that's being dramatic...would you CHASE him with your 38 though


YUP. Absolutely. Dude would learn to run real fast, real damned quick.



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Posted: 11/26/2012 3:44:52 PM
You're welcome, Sunny!

My aunt is a family therapist in SoCal. She has told me on several occasions how surprised she is that so many couples are staying together after an affair, and that the affair is oftentimes just an indication of something wrong in the marriage.



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Posted: 11/26/2012 3:46:38 PM

I cannot imagine ever being that emotionally torn apart by another human being. I was told by a psychologist that adultery is more damaging than being widowed because of the issues of betrayal and broken trust. It is the hardest, most heart breaking thing I could ever imagine living through, outside the death of one of my children.


I absolutely agree with this. I will probably never fully give myself to anyone ever again because of it.



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Posted: 11/26/2012 3:58:14 PM


There is always at least one opportunity before you get to the point that you drop your drawers with someone else that you could back out and do the right thing first.




This might not go well. I was just about to get to know a young man rather well when he insisted on bringing in a third person. And if it's two men and one woman it's almost always going to be the woman stuck watching. So I declined and left so they pushed me into a potted palm.

Very bad manners.

I got a lot of millage out of that story. Jerks make great stories.

Next time a gay couple asked me to join then I asked could I bring my knitting. lol.

Gay rights are very important. It stops them hitting on hetro women in order to have a beard.




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Posted: 11/26/2012 4:01:24 PM

An affair is the result of someone too wrapped up in themselves, too self-centered and selfish and too immature to understand that breaking the trust in a relationship is never the answer to any problem.


This is written so perfectly, I just needed to repeat it.



obsidian
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Posted: 11/26/2012 4:09:32 PM
It was in a country where two gay men having anal sex would have got the death penalty.

They could have abstained until they left the country.
Or they could have asked for a beard.

Instead they acted like jerks. One spent days getting to know me treating me like a princes, buying me gifts kissing my hand. He finally invited me up to his room and then sprung his boyfriend on me. I said no. He could have just asked me to be his beard and I would have without the lies. But the way he was playing it. With nobody would be able to trust him and nobody would be his beard. They threw me against the wall and a potted plant broke my fall.

And everybody on the tour laughed at them for being idiots.

Nobody was willing to be their beard. So they had to go home early.

Gay rights in that country would have stopped the situation happening in the first place. But it wouldn't have stopped them for being lying jerks. Good shoppers though.

asr70
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Posted: 11/26/2012 4:14:02 PM
ok, i get it now




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Posted: 11/26/2012 4:34:50 PM

There was a lot of talk about adultery being the end of the world. And how it was aberrant behavior and one of the worst things that could ever happen.


I don't think it's the end of the world.

I don't think it's aberrant behavior; I think it is more common than we think. I think *most* people are inclined to cheat but curtail it, and I think most people would in fact cheat if they absolutely knew they weren't going to get caught.

It would be an absolute dealbreaker. Cheating for me is like being a thief and a liar rolled into one, which I CANNOT STAND. My professor told me once, "My first husband cheated on me, and I left him. Not because I stopped loving him, but because I loved myself more." I opt to love myself more than to stay with a cheater.

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Posted: 11/26/2012 6:15:01 PM
You are completly losing me on this beard stuff. What is a beard? I can't be the only pea that hasn't heard of this/




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Posted: 11/26/2012 6:16:22 PM
Heartbreaking but not the end of the world

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Posted: 11/26/2012 6:21:25 PM

You are completly losing me on this beard stuff. What is a beard? I can't be the only pea that hasn't heard of this/


As explained to me by a gay male: A beard is a woman that a gay man uses as a date/escort/partner in order to hide that he is gay.

asr70
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Posted: 11/26/2012 6:22:58 PM

What is a beard? I can't be the only pea that hasn't heard of this/
A cover. She'd pretend to be his partner. That is how I understood it, anyway?




Captain K
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Posted: 11/26/2012 6:27:55 PM
Maybe monogamy isn't natural...

something to think about.

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Posted: 11/26/2012 6:56:09 PM

that the affair is oftentimes just an indication of something wrong in the marriage.


I'm probably just splitting hairs here with terminology but I have to disagree with the above. Affairs are an indication that something is wrong with the cheating spouse, not the marriage. Usually problems with the marriage are caused by the problems the cheating spouse is having in connection with an inability to communicate, respond in an emotionally mature way to fix the problem, or having the courage to leave the marriage. Most of the time the cheating spouse's problems are not caused by the marriage itself. They are things like low self esteem, mid life crises, death of family member, unemployment, financial difficulties, parenting difficulties. Problems we all face. But they have resorted to an affair to make them feel better instead of fixing it in a mature healthy way. Other people resort to addictions or over eating or over spending or gambling. You get the idea. If the problem was truly the marriage itself, then the person would just ask for a divorce. They wouldn't go through the trouble of cheating. The obvious exception to that is exit affairs where the person feels their only route to divorce is to cheat.

Many bad marriages have no infidelity involved at all. And many good marriages are damaged by affairs and can be fixed if the cheating spouse is willing to tackle their problems in a healthy way.

I think it's really important for people to understand this because I see so many spouses absolutely blind sided by a spouse's infidelity. And its important to understand it to help prevent yourself from going down a slippery slope and recognize the signs before an affair actually happens. Its dangerous to think, "My marriage is good, therefore my spouse won't cheat". If you are a betrayed spouse you shouldn't blame yourself. Maybe there are things that need to be worked on to make the marriage better. But the betrayed spouse is never responsible for the cheating spouse's behavior. And neither is the marriage responsible. Its all on the person doing the cheating.


Roundtwo
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Posted: 11/26/2012 7:29:06 PM
momofkandn, your entire post was spot on and I thank you for taking the time to write it. I really like your last line

the betrayed spouse is never responsible for the cheating spouse's behavior. And neither is the marriage responsible. Its all on the person doing the cheating.


I believe that those who think it is all about a bad marriage are simply trying to convince themselves that it will never happen to them because their marriage is so good.

While I never said never, I was completely shocked and blind-sided by the ex's affair as were every one of our friends and family members. Every last one of them. Many felt incredibly betrayed as well. I remember his dad saying to me that we were such a good family and were always so happy that he just couldn't believe his son was throwing it all away by having an affair.

I refuse to accept any responsibility for the ex's affair. I would never have said we had a perfect marriage but I believed that working on our problems meant talking about what they were and taking actions to fix them, not by lying and sneaking around and spending incredible amounts of emotional and physical energy on a person outside the marriage. I often wonder how our marriage would have been if the ex could have spent even half the amount of energy and time on our marriage as he did on the girlfriend.






I'm not really a new pea but am an anonymous pea who doesn't remember my original screen name before going anonymous. I don't want to be anonymous anymore but really I guess I am still anonymous since no one knows me anyway!

zombie*grrl
WHO PUT A DICK IN THIS BOX?

PeaNut 281,551
October 2006
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Posted: 11/26/2012 7:39:00 PM
It can happen to anyone. Never say never because nothing is certain in life.

For most people it's a deal-breaker but that doesn't mean that others can't overcome it and move on with their marriages, given time and a lot of hard work and dedication from both partners. That's highly personal.

Aberrant behavior? Not hardly. Sex has been around a lot longer than the institution of marriage has.
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