My daughter's rejection has caused me to consume a lot of calories tonight

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Posted 11/26/2012 by Pea-T-A-Mom in NSBR Board

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PeaNut 159,334
July 2004
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Posted: 11/26/2012 1:58:13 AM
My daughter is in an Improv troup, that will be going to compete in Chicago in March. This will be the first year she will go. She is 15, almost 16.

Chaperones have been lined up, but my husband said, "Hey, why don't you go too?" "REALLY?" "Really."

I am a stay at home mom. DH would stay home over the long weekend and take care of our son and such if I went to Chicago, where I've never been.

My daughter at first was seemingly happy with the idea I might come.

Two days later, she comes to me, late, after her bed time, in tears,

"please don't come" she begs. I agree, she is so upset.

But now I am upset. No, I'm not upset, I'm heartbroken.


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PeaNut 86,755
May 2003
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Posted: 11/26/2012 2:02:31 AM
Awww...I am sorry. That would break my heart too. 15 is such a hard age for a teenage girl. You want to be independent and be looked at as an adult. Maybe some of the other Improv Troup members teased her that she has to bring her mom.



PeaNut 172,235
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Posted: 11/26/2012 2:09:41 AM
Don't be heartbroken ((hugs)) She's just spreading her wings and while it's fun to have your Mum on a trip when you're 9, at 15 it cramps your style

She's just growing up, wanting to be independent and that's our job - to make them independent so you're doing it right

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PeaNut 55,742
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Posted: 11/26/2012 2:40:30 AM
Awww, I'm sorry. It's so hard when our teens don't want us around. .

You're raising a strong independent daughter. That's a great thing for the world but a crappy thing as the mom who still wants to be there all the time.

Just so you don't feel alone- my 16 year old would have done the same thing and my heart would have also been broken hugs !

I hope she changes her mind and realizes this could be an amazing time for both of you. But if not, is there an opportunity that just the two of you could go away somewhere another weekend?


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PeaNut 289,166
December 2006
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Posted: 11/26/2012 2:44:41 AM
My 15 yo DD would do the same. She was thankful I didn't go on the 8th grade DC trip with her. She felt sorry for the kid who had both parents there.

I would arrange for you two to do something fun together but let her have the Chicago weekend alone. <HUGS>


PeaNut 53,649
October 2002
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Posted: 11/26/2012 3:41:00 AM
When I was that age, I was in a lot of school plays. I always felt that I couldn't act if my mother was watching. I couldn't sing in front of her either...I felt embarrassed. I don't know if your daughter might feel the same way, but at 15, she's going to have a hard time telling you the real reason.
Long car rides are excellent for conversations teenagers, as long as you don't tell them that it is the reason for your trip .
See if you can find an excuse to be stuck in the car alone together, and see if she opens up about it.
I sure understand the eating part. My youngest is 23, and she can send me to the fridge faster than a jack rabbit. Between her and my mother, I think I've gained 10 pounds this year.


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PeaNut 24,951
November 2001
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Posted: 11/26/2012 4:40:33 AM
I have two 15yo girls (almost 16, too). One would DIE if I came and the other is always happy I am there.

The happy one is going on a retreat where they need a parent. I offered to go (to her) and she said, "well, okay, if you have to."

I did not.

I really, really REALLY think this is normal behavior. Hard for us moms, but normal.

Sorry it happened to you.


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PeaNut 156,993
July 2004
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Posted: 11/26/2012 5:22:28 AM
Look at it this way: you have a kid who felt comfortable enough to come talk to you and speak directly with you. She is so sure of your love for her that she could talk to you about something so delicate and risk hurting your feelings.

I think you've done really well by her. And just remember: this is about her, not you. She wants to feel grown up and sophisticated. It's not a reflection of her lack of love for you, but her desire for independence. And I'm guessing there might be a boy involved here too.

I totally understand your disappointment nevertheless. Who doesn't want a weekend away in Chicago?

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PeaNut 111,502
October 2003
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Posted: 11/26/2012 5:37:39 AM
I'd say it probably has less to do with you, and more to do with the fact that she doesn't want to be "that kid" whose mother followed her on a school trip even though she wasn't one of the chaperones.

I'm a little surprised that both you and your husband thought this would be a good idea.


PeaNut 562,204
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Posted: 11/26/2012 6:21:33 AM

I'd say it probably has less to do with you, and more to do with the fact that she doesn't want to be "that kid" whose mother followed her on a school trip even though she wasn't one of the chaperones.

I'm a little surprised that both you and your husband thought this would be a good idea.

They had no reason to not think this was a good idea. These type of trips are ALWAYS made up of parent chaperones--it's free help for the group. So there will always be lots of "that kid" where their parent is along. The thing is determining if your kid is the kid who is fine with it or the kid who isn't and then deciding what to do.

My dh chaperones all of the band concerts. He is considering chaperoning band camp and/or the band trip (kids travel out of state every other year for a trip) too. My ds, who is VERY shy and self-conscious, may not want him to. He is fine with the dh chaperoning the shows, but may not want him on a trip. We'll respect his wishes if that's the case, even though yeah, it does hurt a little.

Did you ask your dd why she didn't want you to go and have a conversation? I would probably do that, but I wouldn't go if she was that upset. I know it hurts, but such is the life of a parent of a teen. As Peabay said, it's a good thing that she can come to you with her feelings. Try to look at it that way.

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PeaNut 292,577
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Posted: 11/26/2012 6:58:38 AM
Ouch. No matter what the reason, it still hurts to have that happen. A girl that age isn't thinking about hurting you, only being sort of an adult for a bit. Please try to remember that a short time down the road, she is going to be WANTING you with her for trips and things, and enjoying making memories with you. For the time being, (((Hugs)))

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PeaNut 38,100
May 2002
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Posted: 11/26/2012 8:18:29 AM
Improv is tough. I've done a lot of theater in front of my mom, but improv would not be something I could manage.

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PeaNut 43,061
July 2002
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Posted: 11/26/2012 8:24:04 AM
I'm sorry you're hurting, I just think that a lot of kids don't like their parents close by at that age. My friends and I certainly didn't. I wouldn't take it personally though, I definitely think it's the age.

I would have been mortified if my parents came with me on a school trip, whether a local field trip or elsewhere. School was my domain not theirs, so it would have been wrong. I always felt bad for the kids that were stuck with their parents tagging along because they were always tense. Thankfully my parents never offered or were able to come along. They were really hands off when it came to school stuff.

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PeaNut 221,236
August 2005
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Posted: 11/26/2012 8:24:26 AM
It's not you. Fifteen year old girls are not generally known for wanting their moms along on a cool theater trip. I remember throwing chaperone forms in the trash on the way out of the classroom rather than giving my mother any chance to sign up. And it wasn't that I didn't love my mom - I just really valued those independent experiences.

Since your DH offered to keep your son, why not recruit a friend for a fun girls' day or girls' weekend somewhere else? To get your mind off of things.

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Posted: 11/26/2012 8:40:19 AM
I would be hurt too, but I know it's the age.


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PeaNut 36,163
April 2002
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Posted: 11/26/2012 8:57:43 AM

I'd say it probably has less to do with you, and more to do with the fact that she doesn't want to be "that kid" whose mother followed her on a school trip even though she wasn't one of the chaperones.

That's my guess as well. When my nephew was that age, his mom took him to the mall, and he asked her to walk a little ways away from him. He didn't want anyone seeing him out with his mom.

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PeaNut 224,352
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Posted: 11/26/2012 9:20:14 AM
She is not rejecting you. She is flapping her little bird wings and this is a great thing prior to her leaving the nest in the next few years. This is a new and exciting experience for HER with her improv troupe. She is not rejecting you, it was not in her plan to have you go and you threw her for a loop by joining in. And now that she has hime time to process it, realizes that she wants to keep it a special thing to share with you after, not during. She loves you dearly or she'd have freaked when it was brought up initially.

Why not go away on your own somewhere for a long weekend? I love to explore new cities!!

Now put down the treats and go get a hug from your DH!

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