Do you love your S/O more, or vice-versa?

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Posted 1/25/2013 by DastardlyBoo in NSBR Board

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PeaNut 82,656
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Posted: 1/25/2013 10:00:40 PM
This is kind of a spin off of the divorce thread.

Do you love your S/O more than he/she loves you, or is it the other way around? Do you think it matters?

I think my ex loved me more than I loved him, and I think he knew that, which is why he kept trying to make me prove my love for him. I tried, I really did. I believed that I loved him. Towards the end his behaviour became more desperate and extreme and it all just made sense. It didn't matter what I did, it would never be enough, because I couldn't love him the way he needed me to.

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PeaNut 190,378
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Posted: 1/25/2013 10:14:06 PM
I was the one who loved him more. He had some unresolved issues from being adopted and never thought anyone really loved him. So sad, because he died feeling unloved.

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PeaNut 497,090
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Posted: 1/25/2013 11:59:05 PM
Not an easy question since I really don't know how to go about determining this. We are equal partners. very solid, very boring and oh so predictible.

I would say that he loves me more since he is the one who works, and does all the heavy stuff and through his hard work I can stay home and be there for the children.

He would say I love him more since I take of him physically and am raising our children.

But remember, I am the one who got giddy over him bring pizza home and he gets giddy when......

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Posted: 1/26/2013 12:03:50 AM
I feel it's pretty even.



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Posted: 1/26/2013 1:24:56 AM
I think we are pretty even. He is everything to me. I don't know what I would do without him. As far as I know, he feels the same.


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PeaNut 539,539
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Posted: 1/26/2013 2:27:27 AM
I think I love him more. Right when we first met his parents were going through a divorce so I think that shook his core belief in love. He is very loving and an attentive husband but witnessing the ugliness that came with the divorce definitely made him more cynical.


PeaNut 172,235
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Posted: 1/26/2013 3:08:19 AM
I think it's equal, to be honest. It might briefly lean one way or the other from time to time but overall I'd say it's even.

Today, I will be colouring outside the lines.


PeaNut 532,844
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Posted: 1/26/2013 3:09:30 AM
I think he loves me more. He's very vocal about it, while I'm more reserved and unsure. He's also more at the stage of life of settling down age-wise, although I'd be more interested in marriage and kids than he is.

I worry about this sometimes. It's probably the one thing that has me holding back a little. I kinda think if I loved him as much, surely I'd know that and I wouldn't be wondering.


PeaNut 216,659
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Posted: 1/26/2013 7:42:44 AM
this is an interesting question..

in the beginning i think we loved each both in equal "amounts"...

then it went to me loving him more until his drinking finally pushed me to where i am at at the moment.. he has now admitted to his alcoholism and is trying to clean up (since getting a diagnosis of celiac disease and wanting/needing my support) but i dont know if its too little too late. he was willing to walk out on me because of my issues, i am not sure i want to go through a major lifestyle change for the entire family for him now...

it is quite sad as i really, really thought we were solid, guess the test is always in the hard times


PeaNut 259,367
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Posted: 1/26/2013 10:04:33 AM
Extreme example, but both of us would die so the other could live, so I think it's pretty equal.

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PeaNut 436,594
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Posted: 1/26/2013 10:04:47 AM
I would say it's equal although it goes back and forth in the "showing it" area. I go through a hard time, he's there for me. He goes through a hard time, I'm there for him. I don't know, know that I think about it, if that really means one of us loves more or less. It may be more just who is putting more in and who is getting more out of the relationship.
You know what? If, I can't decide, then it's probably even and I'll go on to add we love each other very, very much.


PeaNut 159,041
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Posted: 1/26/2013 10:07:33 AM
I love him more. He never would have reconciled with me if I had an affair. And he wouldn't have put in the work it's taken to fix things if I had betrayed him.


PeaNut 511,446
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Posted: 1/26/2013 10:14:15 AM
I think it's been pretty even for the most part of our marriage.

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Posted: 1/26/2013 10:49:22 AM
For the first time ever I feel like its pretty even. It's kind of odd being in a relationship that isn't sucking my soul out

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PeaNut 163,613
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Posted: 1/26/2013 1:23:54 PM
I think it's even

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Posted: 1/26/2013 2:39:58 PM
I loved my exDH more than he loved me, and my current DH loves me more than I love him. Probably because I got hurt the first time around I haven't let myself go there.

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Posted: 1/26/2013 2:43:17 PM
That's a really good question, and honestly I don't know anymore. I thought it was even we closer to actually getting married he is still hesitate. We have both been married before- second timers. And I'm ready to solidify of relationship. We have been engaged since sept 2009. And finally set a date last summer. But we are 90 days out and he is still nervous, concerned, cautious......
Going to go to premarital counseling soon. His suggestion. Just not sure he is ever going to be ready.
So I don't know if that means I love him more or not???
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PeaNut 289,166
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Posted: 1/26/2013 3:47:52 PM
I think we're about even at this point in our relationship. (Married close to 19 years)

In the beginning, I think he was more into me. We had a time where I was definitely more into him. I think we've balanced things out a bit more now.


PeaNut 281,551
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Posted: 1/26/2013 5:08:54 PM
I think we're absolutely equal, although at different times in our relationship I know I've been less interested in us and at other times he was the one who was ready to move on.

Right now we are happier than we've been in a long, long time.


PeaNut 250,729
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Posted: 1/26/2013 5:13:38 PM
I think we take turns. There are days that I am obviously less loveable and the same for him. For the most part it is equal, it is not like either one of use get to a point that we don't love the other, we just have our moments of not connecting at the same time.

Right now I would say we are pretty even. But there are days that I know he loves me more, and there are days that I know I love him more. Does that make sense?


PeaNut 137,841
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Posted: 1/26/2013 5:22:26 PM
I definitely loved XH more. I was ok with that. He wasn't. I think he always felt guilty for not loving me enough. I think that was a factor in him leaving.

When I'm not hating on him for divorcing me, I feel bad about how hard it must have been for him to have to live like that, with someone he didn't really love. I couldn't do it.

If I had to be in an uneven relationship again, I would want to be the one in love again. It would be torture to me to live with a man I didn't love, and if he loved me, that would be even more unbearable.

Donna in GA
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PeaNut 60,695
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Posted: 1/26/2013 5:47:04 PM
I think we are pretty even. We both admit that we are pretty perfect for each other.

I do think that if something happened to me, he would have a harder time of it than I would if something happened to him. I have a better support network than he does.

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PeaNut 82,656
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Posted: 1/26/2013 6:12:12 PM

If I had to be in an uneven relationship again, I would want to be the one in love again. It would be torture to me to live with a man I didn't love, and if he loved me, that would be even more unbearable.

Here's the thing though.... There are different kinds of love. I wouldn't ever say that I didn't love my ex. I did, but it wasn't how he needed to be loved. We were sooooo young when we got married. I really think it was a combination of hormones and wanting to get on with my life, with someone who felt the same. I did love him - he was a great best friend. He had some great qualities. We were building a life together and achieving things together, and so we had that camaraderie as well.

The truth is that for me the chemistry wasn't there. I thought we were just mismatched as far as libido goes, that I had a lower drive than he did. We went through phases of arguing, phases where I would try soooo hard to be what he wanted. I wanted to want him more, but it's not something that you can change. You can boost yourself along at times, but it's not sustainable. It sucks the life out of you to try and give something of yourself that isn't there. I did go through phases of not giving a damn too.

I think he knew that he loved me more. I never had that "can't get him out of my head" feeling. I was a more selfish person when I was with him than I am now. The same little things that used to irritate me with my ex don't bother me at all with my new DH. I am sorry for that, but I understand it now. It was that cliche - I loved him, but i wasn't in love with him.

It wasn't torture until near the end. His behaviour which cycled, became more controlling, more dominant and extreme, and something just clicked. I couldn't be with him anymore.

He has a new girlfriend, the one he was with 2 weeks after we separated. I didn't care. Now I know she is a good person, I am glad for him. He has told me that it's not the same, that he doesn't love her like he loved me. I am sorry for her. Maybe sorrier for her than I am for that poor twenty something, then thirty something girl I used to be, when I wondered if there was something wrong with me.

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PeaNut 8,699
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Posted: 1/26/2013 6:23:08 PM
My DH loves me more. I wish it was more even because, while I do love him, it makes me feel really guilty that I cannot give him the love he gives me. I sometimes resent the intensity of his love because it almost makes me feel like I am missing out on that feeling...if that makes any sense. I knew on the day we married that he loved me more...that's actually what I feel in love with...his love for me. As our kids have gotten older and need us less, he can be a bit overwhelming. But really how bad is my life if my biggest problem is that my husband adores me? Interesting topic of discussion though!

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PeaNut 18,334
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Posted: 1/26/2013 6:33:09 PM
Early in my marriage I realized people have different capacities of being able to love. He loved me with his "whole heart" but his "whole" was much smaller than my whole.

People in his world are interchangeable.

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PeaNut 89,634
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Posted: 1/26/2013 7:24:30 PM
He loves me more. It used to be equal but over time I have become more guarded to protect myself from being hurt.

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PeaNut 209,453
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Posted: 1/26/2013 7:27:30 PM
I think right now he loves ME took a little longer for me to fall in love with him and I'm still a little unsure of how certain things can work out in the future so I'm a little more reserved. However, if you ask both his family and my family I'm the more affectionate one since I constantly have to touch him or hold his hand to make sure he doesn't go away.


PeaNut 57,490
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Posted: 1/26/2013 8:33:24 PM
Dastardly Boo and Hollymolly, I have to say that you BOTH an amazing and refreshing outlook and perspective on your former spouses. I truly enjoyed reading your thoughtful comments which in their very brevity and clarity proved their truth. You are both very classy ladies and I enjoy your posts.

Donna in GA, One would hope that your support system could also be his.

Dastardly Boo, and you are still more amazing! LOL The fact that you are able to see and empathize ALL sides is a testament to your character. I only wish I could be as gracious as you. God calls me to be and I try, but in this area in particular, I fail Him minute by minute. Thank you for restoring my faith!

As for the original topic, My 1st XH definitely loved me more than I loved him. And I hated that about him and THAT killed our relationship (Well, actually, that was the icing on the cake, the REAL reason was that he propositioned 16 year old).

My last X, on the hand, I was the one who loved more...but not him, his children. Because they needed me, I stayed. And they are my children to this day. Actually, I am lucky enough to share the mom title with sister who was also their mother. I have never regretted staying, I *have* regretted decisions made in that relationship. By me. But never will I regret my kids.

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PeaNut 41,620
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Posted: 1/26/2013 8:43:35 PM
I think for the most part it is pretty even with us. I do think sometimes it swings more one way or the other. I feel like sometimes he ones me more. He wants to be with me all the time. He is very considerate. But he has problems with depression as do I. And when he gets depressed I love him more. But mostly because he doesn't love himself nor anyone else.

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Posted: 1/26/2013 9:44:11 PM
I'm glad you brought this up, people don't often talk about this but I've often felt that most relationships are uneven. I've seen it with others relationships and I've been on both sides in my relationships. When I knew I loved them more I was happy that I was in love but never quite comfortable and scared to lose them, upset that they didn't love me as much as I did them. When I knew they loved me more, it was nice to be adored but sad that I wasn't totally in love with them and knew I would have to be the one to end it eventually and break their heart.

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PeaNut 25,495
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Posted: 1/26/2013 10:05:03 PM
I think I loved my dh more, but over time I have learned to hold back. I can't love that much and not feel it reciprocated.

I know dh loves me, but he does not love me in the way I need to be loved. He doesn't attend to my love language and needs. For instance, I have a very strong need to feel nurtured. Dh is not a nurturer. This is hard for me since I do not have family except for a dad and brother I am not close to.

In fact, I was just telling someone the other day that I can't think of a single moment in my life when I have felt nurtured. As I get older it bothers me so much more. I fear what would happen if I ever became ill or injured. As I see so many my age get cancer and such I get scared.

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Posted: 1/26/2013 11:30:58 PM
We each love more at different times in our 22 years together. But it all boils down to that we each love the other enough.
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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:09:32 AM
We were pretty well matched on that. God, I miss that man.

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PeaNut 382,038
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Posted: 1/27/2013 7:50:19 AM
interesting thread. i saw an interview with a couple that had been married 50 or 60 years. they were asked what their "secret" was. i think the husband said "no secret, dumb luck" and the wife said something to the effect "we were lucky that we never fell out of love at the same time". i thought that was a very honest way to reflect on a long term commitment.
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