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icedpea
BucketHead
PeaNut 562,203
July 2012
Posts: 807
Layouts: 0
|  Posted: 1/30/2013 7:30:46 PM
It just hit me tonight. I am a happy person. I love my life. Except for one piece of it. This person is always negative, constantly nagging, finds the worst in everything. It's exhausting. I feel like he is sucking the life out of me. That's the only way I can think to describe it. It's actually a huge revelation. I'm not depressed. I am happy.
Now that I've figured that out, what do I do about it? I cannot remove this person from my life in the near future. Anyone have any advice? | |
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Momof1sweet-lil-lad
& the Velcro dog
PeaNut 133,429
February 2004
Posts: 9,099
Layouts: 0
Loc: With my Shadow
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 7:35:10 PM
Yes. I severely limit my exposure to the person.
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The difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits. ~Albert Einstein | |
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andtyler
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 251,639
March 2006
Posts: 2,288
Layouts: 27
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 7:36:19 PM
I said goodbye to him... |
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IleneTell
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 434,842
August 2009
Posts: 2,427
Layouts: 635
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 7:38:24 PM
Why can't you remove him?
If you really can't, then distance yourself emotionally ... Take a "polite but cold" approach. |
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pennyring
Thrift Ninja
PeaNut 226,011
October 2005
Posts: 22,413
Layouts: 40
Loc: Rite Aid
| Posted: 1/30/2013 7:41:40 PM
Yes - co-worker. When I see her coming, I literally turn and walk the other way. She enters the room with a big sigh and shuffles from one side to the other, stopping to share why life sucks at that particular moment.  Sheesh, fix yourself a prozac and counseling cocktail. I don't have time or interest.
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irishscrappermom8
AncestralPea
PeaNut 220,508
August 2005
Posts: 4,541
Layouts: 52
Loc: IL
| Posted: 1/30/2013 7:44:25 PM
My mom is kind of like that. I mean, she's my mom, but it's all about how the youth of America are up to no good, computers are the anti-Christ, how diabetes is SO terrible (she's not a bad one, but she won't learn about it) and on and on it goes.
We do our best to go visit her (she lives about two hours away), but it is about six hours of constant misery. I have had to learn to bite my tongue.
I've been on the phone with her as I am typing this. In 30 min. She has brought up an incident 3 times in this one conversation that happened almost twenty years ago. And of course the issue was my fault. |
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icedpea
BucketHead
PeaNut 562,203
July 2012
Posts: 807
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 1/30/2013 8:16:46 PM
Prozac and counseling cocktail. That's a good one!
At least it's not my Mom. I can eventually remove this person. | |
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grammanisi
peaing from my beach room
PeaNut 142,772
April 2004
Posts: 8,921
Layouts: 3
Loc: Northern Indiana...Fighting Irish Country
| Posted: 1/30/2013 8:19:53 PM
I used to, not anymore. This is the reason that I am so selective about my friends. |
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Sparehead3
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 446,722
November 2009
Posts: 2,168
Layouts: 5
Loc: PNW USA
| Posted: 1/30/2013 8:24:56 PM
My younger sister. She has currently posted on Facebook that she is disowing all of us and is deleting her Facebook account tomorrow. My other sister and I have no idea what she is mad about. At least she lives on the other side of the country and only visits every 10 years... | |
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benem
Yo, that's fifty dollars for a T-shirt.
PeaNut 526,154
October 2011
Posts: 5,534
Layouts: 0
Loc: Illinois
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 8:27:27 PM
Have you been talking to my mother?!? |
"We are NSBR. We talk about E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.
Diva Cups Merkins Tub Girl Crock Pots Kitten Heels The Hoff HOF Obama Bush Kardashians Shopping Carts Shopping Trolleys Dead Aunt Cookies Trolls Not Trolls Garden Snakes Snails Stripper Poles with or with out Birds In-Laws Scoff-Laws Blogs Borg Paint Colors Dinner Books and Each Other"
--SueSume, 3/21/13
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Laurel Jean
generic pea
PeaNut 76,877
March 2003
Posts: 9,185
Layouts: 179
Loc: Michigan
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 8:50:53 PM
It takes a lot of strength and energy to deal with someone like that.
If you can't avoid the person, you need to do some self-talk. "*** will not decide how I feel (or how my day goes)" ; "I will choose how I respond to ***", etc.)
I have a few of those people in my life. I tend to limit my interactions with them, and if I do have to interact with them, I reward myself in some small way afterwards.
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PierKiss
What if everything is an illusion & nothing exists
PeaNut 82,319
April 2003
Posts: 14,420
Layouts: 39
| Posted: 1/30/2013 8:53:56 PM
I did. I have removed her from my life. Sad, but necessary. |
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scrapper100
Budletsmom
PeaNut 65,877
January 2003
Posts: 12,551
Layouts: 30
Loc: So CA
| Posted: 1/30/2013 9:35:56 PM
Yes and I was so much happier when I no longer had to deal with her. It was hard we were good friends for years but after a few years she just became to psycho and I realized that she was just no someone I needed to have in my life. I was so much happier.
It is much harder when it is a co-worker or family member and it is amazing how often those people seem to just suck you dry. We avoid certain family members and just know the will try and pull us in at every breath. Good luck. I think knowing this and acknowledging it helps a lot mentally. |
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callypea
PeaAddict
PeaNut 113,672
October 2003
Posts: 1,557
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 1/30/2013 9:50:07 PM
I had a similar revelation 5 years ago. Set boundaries that will limit your exposure to this persons negativity. It will make a big difference. And have certain diversion topics pre planned to change conversations when necessary.
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tinaev
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 370,270
April 2008
Posts: 2,327
Layouts: 14
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 10:03:58 PM
I did, and she was a coworker in a workplace of 4 people so she could not be avoided. Simply having a 5 minute conversation was mentally exhausting so I decided I wasn't going to let her drag me down anymore. While I couldn't avoid the conversations I just quit participating. I would smile, nod, make sympathetic noises and then walk away as quickly as possible. No more engaging, no more asking questions or trying to give helpful advice. Nope. It became a nod and "mmhmm" "wow that's terrible" and then walk away. That choice saved my sanity. | |
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*Delphinium Twinkle*
I'm just a pea:)
PeaNut 163,613
August 2004
Posts: 68,302
Layouts: 236
Loc: *Sunny Southern California*
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 11:16:30 PM
Yes, I do have someone that does that. Every. Single. Day
I have even come out and said I can't take it when I have to listen to complaining all day and how some people just fuck the life out of me.
The problem is, this person is so self absorbed that they don't 'get it' |
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stillsmiling
PeaAddict
PeaNut 194,444
March 2005
Posts: 1,010
Layouts: 0
Loc: Ontario, Canada
| Posted: 1/30/2013 11:19:06 PM
I have two - my mum and my sister. Unfortunately, they now live together and feed off each other's negativity. They compete as to whose life is worse. Doesn't matter what anyone else is going through or has gone through, they did it first and they did it worse! Whenever the phone rings, I wonder who is crying about who tonight? Sometimes I just can't answer and that sets off another tirade about being a bad sister/daughter. Of course, I am already have the worse kids on the planet, I have no mothering skills to speak off, my house is too messy and why do I get mad at dh cause he is the best thing since slice bread to my mum, you know. It is constant negativity and it sucks the life out of you. My one dd won't go near them, as she has been too hurt in the past. My nephews don't want to offer their help because they have been told since they were toddlers that men were no good and useless by my sister and she can't understand why they aren't jumping to help. And it goes on and on and on, ad nauseum.
My doctor says that I need to love at a distance. Saying sorry mum, but I won't talk about that or let you talk to me like that. Sorry sis, you are on your own until you can speak rationally. Talk once a week at my convenience and when the tide starts turning, say immediately that I am hanging up and then follow through. Still working out the when we are together rules because my doctor can't believe that I would still want to get together, lol.
So that is my advise, well my doctor's actually, Love At A Distance! | |
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doesitmatter?
AncestralPea
PeaNut 509,811
May 2011
Posts: 4,854
Layouts: 21
| Posted: 1/30/2013 11:26:10 PM
Yes and I left him a few years ago. |
| Child of God, follower of Jesus, and so thankful for His presence in my life <>< | |
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Enough
PeaNut
PeaNut 553,030
April 2012
Posts: 483
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 1/30/2013 11:46:44 PM
I have even come out and said I can't take it when I have to listen to complaining all day and how some people just fuck the life out of me.
Auto correct strikes again!  | |
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BuckeyeSandy
Old Dogs are Best!
PeaNut 92,987
June 2003
Posts: 22,367
Layouts: 364
Loc: With my dogs
| Posted: 1/30/2013 11:59:44 PM
Are we related? Is it our crazy cousin? 
I have not been in the same location in about 5 years. Even her sister keeps her distance.
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Sandy
Every MOM is a working mom!
"Retired" after 22 years of an Air Force Career
REMEMBER this Veterans Day
To quote Wayne Gretzky, "You miss 100% of the shots you never take."
Aesculus | |
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BarreP
PeaFixture
PeaNut 46,619
August 2002
Posts: 3,844
Layouts: 42
Loc: Stepford
| Posted: 1/31/2013 12:01:02 AM
I had a friend like this - always had her panties in a wad about something and I felt like I had to constantly talk her off the ledge, calm her fury, etc. After we had a falling out I realized that I felt lighter and happier - it was that I literally didn't have the weight of this person's anger to deal with any longer. I highly recommend getting rid of these types of people if possible! | |
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weaser
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 25,393
December 2001
Posts: 2,921
Layouts: 55
Loc: Texas
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miominmio
Stuck In The Bucket
PeaNut 497,330
January 2011
Posts: 704
Layouts: 0
Loc: Where the polar bears live
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 1:02:36 AM
My dad, luckily he lives on the other side of the world six months a year, the rest of the time I don't initiate any contact whatsoever. If he calls, I'm polite until he starts being negative (which usually is after a minute or two), then I hang up. Life is so much better without him. | |
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pjaye
The only happy ending will be mine
PeaNut 111,502
October 2003
Posts: 6,177
Layouts: 59
Loc: Vic, Australia
| Posted: 1/31/2013 4:26:46 AM
I am a happy person. I love my life.
Really? a few days ago you wrote
Nothing can compare to how I hate my life now
I think you're just playing games when you post here.
Are you a man?
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pelirroja
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 21,146
September 2001
Posts: 2,985
Layouts: 0
Loc: Right Here, Right Now
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kaferber
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 100,378
August 2003
Posts: 2,141
Layouts: 481
Loc: Maryland
| Posted: 1/31/2013 4:59:36 AM
Yes - co-worker. When I see her coming, I literally turn and walk the other way. She enters the room with a big sigh and shuffles from one side to the other, stopping to share why life sucks at that particular moment. Sheesh, fix yourself a prozac and counseling cocktail. I don't have time or interest.
You hit the nail on the head! Although I can't always turn and walk away because it is my boss.
LOL when I read "fix yourself a prozac and counseling cocktail". Will have to remember that and use it. |
Kelly
Mom to my three sweet furry girls.... Hope, my cat & Zoe and Bailey, my hedgehogs. | |
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ChristineC72
PeaAddict
PeaNut 197,175
March 2005
Posts: 1,237
Layouts: 0
Loc: New York
| Posted: 1/31/2013 5:04:31 AM
Yep. Removed her from my life. Best move ever. Good luck.... |
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jjjulee
Stuck In The Bucket
PeaNut 522,402
October 2011
Posts: 701
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 1/31/2013 7:45:01 AM
I put in a significant amount of work to help them not be a life suck, and then I moved on and told them exactly why. I have too much going on in my life, too many other people that would love the energy I could be spending on them instead, and life is just too darn short to put up with it. I don't care if it's a family member or not. Just because I share dna with a person doesn't mean I have to let them drag me down. | |
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Shih Tzu Mommy
Million dollar camera, 10 dollar lock!
PeaNut 224,352
September 2005
Posts: 23,525
Layouts: 0
Loc: Right here
| Posted: 1/31/2013 7:56:28 AM
I did. I finally had to tell them that they were a negative weight and I felt worse everytime I had any interaction with them and of course they turned it around on me. But I know several other people who cut that person out of their lives, so I figure it isn't me...it is THEM. And they pressured me for a long time and finally got the message. |
Dog people are a special breed! | |
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matleavepea
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 382,038
July 2008
Posts: 2,510
Layouts: 1
Loc: hogtown
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 8:23:52 AM
i have had a couple of people like that in my life over the years. one i cut out and the other i called on it. she was plenty pissed at the time but called me a couple of months later to invite me to her halloween party. she never has mentioned it again BUT has obviously made an effort to be more positive. i think what made her miserable is that i was happy. life is about choices and i encouraged her try to be happy.
if you don't like the relationship, maybe it's worth talking to the person about it. what is the harm? either it will make a difference or not. | |
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guzismom
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 31,617
March 2002
Posts: 9,341
Layouts: 59
Loc: southern new mexico
| Posted: 1/31/2013 8:54:31 AM
Yes. I severely limit my exposure to the person.
Me too. Distance helps. I moved 2000 miles away.
I am a happy person. I love my life.
Really? a few days ago you wrote
Nothing can compare to how I hate my life now
I don't know how in the HELL some of you peas keep up with this stuff! I don't even remember what I posted today let alone what some stranger posted in the past. |
Marilyn (now in New Mexico!!)
SCUBA diving and SCRAPPING Mom of two
Canon 5DMkII, 24-70 2.8L; 70-200 2.8L IS, 50 1.4;
my blog | |
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fredfreddy
Alex told me to change it
PeaNut 120,522
December 2003
Posts: 19,058
Layouts: 543
Loc: never in one place very long (...in San Jose, CA)
| Posted: 1/31/2013 9:22:00 AM
I did. SHe moved so the problem solved itself. She always had problems, always felt left out by the other moms (which I never even felt was a problem, who cares?), talked constantly about her perfect child (who was NOT perfect), etc etc. Now since she moved, she only emails when she has a big annoucement or sales party request (her sister still lives in town). I ignore both. |
Alana
it rhymes with banana
mom to a 20 yo dd, 13 yo ds, and 10 yo ds and a scrapper for 12 years | |
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fredfreddy
Alex told me to change it
PeaNut 120,522
December 2003
Posts: 19,058
Layouts: 543
Loc: never in one place very long (...in San Jose, CA)
| Posted: 1/31/2013 9:22:03 AM
I did. SHe moved so the problem solved itself. She always had problems, always felt left out by the other moms (which I never even felt was a problem, who cares?), talked constantly about her perfect child (who was NOT perfect), etc etc. Now since she moved, she only emails when she has a big annoucement or sales party request (her sister still lives in town). I ignore both. |
Alana
it rhymes with banana
mom to a 20 yo dd, 13 yo ds, and 10 yo ds and a scrapper for 12 years | |
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cm_stephenson
BucketHead
PeaNut 211,645
June 2005
Posts: 598
Layouts: 22
Loc: Kirriemuir, Scotland
| Posted: 1/31/2013 9:43:04 AM
Yes - when mentioning to my other friends he is referred to as Toxic Friend. I could just say "no" and mean it but I choose not to because he is not all toxic and every so often he surprises me with positivity - like he did today.
I have insight into why he is as he is and why he is toxic to me and I choose to extend the coolth and distance when the poison gets more bitter and relax it when he is being positive. It works for me.
Cathy |
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There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. Edith Wharton
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peano
Lead With Love
PeaNut 43,034
July 2002
Posts: 6,189
Layouts: 4
Loc: Connecticut
| Posted: 1/31/2013 10:10:42 AM
I am a happy person. I love my life.
Really? a few days ago you wrote
Nothing can compare to how I hate my life now
I think you're just playing games when you post here.
Are you a man?
Wow! What's your secret? Photographic memory? Some sort of state-of-the-art spreadsheet-keeping software? Inquiring minds and all that...
ETA: Lately, that person who sucks all the life out of me is...me. Damn it all! The typical strategy of just excising that person from my life won't work here. I'll have to figure out something else.
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My stuff:
Canon 7D
Canon Rebel XT
kit lens 18-55mm
28-135mm IS 3.5-5.6
50mm 1.8
85mm 1.8
580EXII Speedlite
CS5
LR4
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AnonPeaName
PeaNut
PeaNut 570,169
October 2012
Posts: 264
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 1/31/2013 10:20:43 AM
Not suck the life out of me, but took me down. I cared about her, but she was a total controlling drama mama, and no matter what others doing her sistuation was worse. All The Time, every single time. She's Queen Bee of social group, so distance meant losing others too. I wasn't close enough to others to explain. It was hard for awhile, but I reached out to neglected friends, changed habits, and it's better.
Good luck to you, it's hard but worth it. | |
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Kinley-pea
Will I ever get to Buckethead?!
PeaNut 519,300
August 2011
Posts: 406
Layouts: 0
Loc: Nevada!!
| Posted: 1/31/2013 10:30:35 AM
Yes, my best friend. She is constantly complaining about her life and she is the one bringing everything down on herself. It's exhausting. She never cares to be there for anyone else but wants everyone there for her. |
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
Ralph Waldo Emerson | |
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IleneTell
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 434,842
August 2009
Posts: 2,427
Layouts: 635
| Posted: 1/31/2013 10:31:21 AM
Wow! What's your secret? Photographic memory? Some sort of state-of-the-art spreadsheet-keeping software? Inquiring minds and all that...
Um, it doesn't take either to remember some recent posts someone made It also only takes a couple seconds to look up someone's posting history. Fact is, the OP did start a few threads recently that seemed somewhat contradictory. Nothing wrong with someone pointing that out. |
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TeamSteve
The saddest thing in life is wasted talent.
PeaNut 263,696
June 2006
Posts: 5,169
Layouts: 0
Loc: Florida, for now.
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 10:42:35 AM
Unfortunately yes. I just had to put some distance between us. |
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Saving one dog will not change the world,
but surely for that one dog, the world will change forever. | |
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ashazamm
BucketHead
PeaNut 217,769
August 2005
Posts: 574
Layouts: 18
Loc: NY
| Posted: 1/31/2013 5:28:51 PM
I do but it's my own doing, I let this person get to me. I can't cut them out of my life, luckily I don't see them often. | |
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~scrap-it-all~
PeaFixture
PeaNut 7,143
October 2000
Posts: 3,677
Layouts: 0
Loc: IL
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 6:36:12 PM
I could've written your post. I just had the same revelation about a week ago and even brought it up to my best friend hoping she would have some advice.
My problem is I love this person and don't want to remove them from my life. I really just want them to get some help/make changes and stop sucking the life out of me, but not sure how to approach them about it. Makes me sad. | |
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scrappygirlnextdoor
PeaAddict
PeaNut 407,791
January 2009
Posts: 1,238
Layouts: 7
Loc: In my jammies, sipping a cup of coffee.
| Posted: 1/31/2013 7:12:34 PM
Yes, I had a friend like this. Every time I hung up the phone with her, I felt terrible, deflated -- you name it! She sucked the life out if me every time I saw or talked to her. I finally made a decision to stop attending any social functions with this person and our small group of associated friends. It was awkward at first, constantly telling them NO that I couldn't meet for dinner, etc. I also stopped answering calls from her. It took a while but she got the message. Even though it was uncomfortable at the time, I'm such a happier person without this person in my life! I feel sorry for this girl, though. What a miserable way to be every. single. day! |
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writermom1
Thrift Whisperer
PeaNut 114,407
November 2003
Posts: 22,312
Layouts: 66
Loc: At the intersection of Hooterville and Stars Hollow
| Posted: 1/31/2013 7:17:18 PM
I had a friend like that. I never had a huge throw down, I just quit seeking her friendship and now we are more friendly than friends.
I have another one who brings wonderful humor to my life but I have to set clear boundaries against some of her negative thinking. |
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froggy one
PeaAddict
PeaNut 479,242
August 2010
Posts: 1,105
Layouts: 0
Loc: In my own mind
| Posted: 1/31/2013 7:57:53 PM
My father. I have been dealing with health issues for quite a few years now. This latest round has done me in. But every time I talked to my dad it was all about him. He has my brother and me plus 2 grandsons and he had the nerve to tell me he is lonely and has no family. My brother sees him every day and since I live about 2 hours away I see him as much as my health allows. I finally had enough and laid it on the line. |
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icedpea
BucketHead
PeaNut 562,203
July 2012
Posts: 807
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/1/2013 3:40:28 PM
It seems like I'm not alone. Life is too short. I will be happy when I can limit contact too. | |
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