Found out my husband has been talking to escorts online. I'm devasted.

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Posted 1/30/2013 by anon23 in NSBR Board
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anon23
PeaWee

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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:02:43 PM
I'm posting anon because I have friends and family that know me here.

This morning my husband asked me to print out some plans for a job that he needs to bid. I logged into his gmail account, pulled up the email and printed the plans. While waiting for them to print I noticed an email from someone named Daisy had sent him a message so I opened it. It was a reply to an email he sent her. Apparently it's from an escort website (naughty reviews). He must have sent her a request because she basically said she didn't see clients that had no feedback/reviews. Here was his response:

"I was hoping my very first review on both naughtyreviews and RB would be something to talk about. If you plan on being down this way in a month or so and would see me then, I will hold off on reviews. Sorry if it didn't work out. I think you would have liked me. I'm told by other providers I'm the ideal customer good looking who is a nice and very respectful and not into anything weird just passion. This will be my last communication unless you want too."

Another email to a different girl:

"My name is **** and I wanted to know how much for how long. I'm new at this and I'm not law enforcement so I don't know how to ask properly"

"I would like some more info on menu and rates as well as a picture of you face before I make an appointment"


I was at work when this happened and I felt sick I wanted to vomit and my whole body started shaking. The first thing I did was print all the emails out because I knew he would delete them. Then I called him and confronted him. At first he acted like they were just spam emails sent to him. Then I said no they are from your email account. You were soliciting having sex with them. He said that he was just curious and would never go through with it.

We got into a big fight back in November and I brought up divorce. He said that if I was going to leave him let him know now so he can start looking for someone else that he wasn't getting any younger. We eventually made up (so I thought). These emails are from this month going back to November. The last one was sent on the 26th of Jan.

I'm home now and he's still working. I sent him a text that we need to talk and he needs to come home. He texted back that he wants to meet me somewhere away from home so the kids aren't around. I texted him back that all the kids are out for the night and I'd rather be at home then somewhere in public to air all my dirty laundry. I would be humiliated if anyone found out.

I know that he's going to say that I've gained weight and he's no longer attracted to me but that's not an excuse. I know my weight is a problem and it's something I do want to fix but I'm not going to lose weight just so my husband will stop looking for other women. I knew something was up when he basically stopped having sex with me. Every time we've had sex in the last 3 months has been when I initiated it.

Now I'm waiting for him to come home and I'm scared to death. I'm afraid to leave him. We've been together since I was 17, married 22 years. I don't even know if I could afford to live on my own. I couldn't even afford to rent an apartment in the area we live in on my own. We owe more then our house is worth between our first and second mortgage (plus we're two months behind on the mortgage). He is self-employed and can lie about how much he makes. My kids are in high school and I'd hate to move away from their school. I have no family that can help, they have problems of their own.

I'm lost and have no one to talk to. I'm afraid if I say anything and we make up they will think less of me, hell I'd think less of me. I still feel like I want to work it out. I love him. Does that make me crazy?



dizzypea
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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:06:16 PM
I'm so sorry, I can not imagine the heartbreak and pain you must be feeling right now. I have no advice but wanted you to know I care.



FrozenPea

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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:08:09 PM
Didn't want to read and run but I am sorry. I have no advice other than be strong.


*~*~Kristin~*~*

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StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:14:25 PM
Regardless of what he thinks or says, remember you are a strong, smart, beautiful woman who did absolutely nothing to deserve this. Please make an appointment tomorrow to get tested for STDs and with an attorney to protect yourself. Make copies of all bank statements, etc.

((Hugs))

gavinsmom
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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:14:47 PM
I'm so sorry. I truly can't imagine the hell you are going through. I will pray for you and your family


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TraceyS
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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:15:48 PM
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know how scary this is, but you don't have to make a decision right this minute as to how you are going to cope with this long term. It will take some time to process and figure out what you want to do and how you want to proceed.

In spite of your fear though, there is NO excuse for this. Not your weight, not anything. Don't take this on yourself. Whatever improvements you may need or want to make on your end of your marriage are separate issues from his cheating (and to me that's what it is, whether he has completed "the act" or not).

Take the time you need to get your feet back under you and don't worry about what other people think. This is your life and you have to work it out in the way that it best for you.

SockMonkey
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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:16:17 PM
I don't really have advice except to say that I hope you will get some counseling for yourself before you make a decision to stay. I think you deserve more than a man who would have sex with a whore behind your back.


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freecharlie
What happens in NSBR, stays in NSBR

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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:18:22 PM
Go here surviving infidelity website those people have BTDT


Tribbey: I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the first, fourth, fifth, and ninth amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him! [to Ainsley] Nice meeting you

icedpea
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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:22:38 PM
I feel your pain about the financial part of not being able to leave. However, you do not deserve this, no matter the circumstance. If he truly hasn't "done" anything yet, maybe you can work it out. Even talking about it is such a dishonor to you. I'm so sorry. Let us know what he says.

jjpswife
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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:23:29 PM
Heartbreaking. I am so very sorry.

He is an ass.

But I completely understand that he is an ass that you are in love with and have loved all your life.

A real man would love you no matter what you weigh.

(((hugs)))



freecharlie
What happens in NSBR, stays in NSBR

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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:25:33 PM
Did it seem like he had hired an escort (isn't that just a fancy name for hooker)? If you think that may be the case at all, make an appointment to get tested for STDs and don't have sex with him until he does (if you are still having sex)


Tribbey: I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the first, fourth, fifth, and ninth amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him! [to Ainsley] Nice meeting you

anon23
PeaWee

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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:29:50 PM
Thanks everyone. I will check out the surviving infidelity forums. He still hasn't come home. I know he will be on the offense. He always tries to blame someone else whenever something goes wrong, nothing is ever his fault. I will make an appt to see my OB tomorrow. I'm due for my pap anyway. I will let you know how things go.

dor3
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:30:23 PM
There is no excuse for your husband's behavior. He is lying and cheating. In this day and age those behaviors can be life threatening to you. My advice- grab as much cash as you can get your hands on and stash it someplace he can't get it. I have seen so many men beat their wives to the bank and it can be years before you can even attempt to figure it out in court. If you work it out, you can put the money back. But if he acts like so many who have gone before him, he could leave you and your kids high and dry. Don't let it happen. Control of the finances gives you a lot of power. Let this rat prove to you that he is trustworthy again and isn't trying to back door you. Good luck.





Laurel Jean
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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:31:14 PM
My take on the whole thing is that finances are nothing compared to your dignity. Putting up with intolerable behavior because of financial concerns would make you no better than the "escorts". Sorry to be so blunt.

The fact that you may be overweight has nothing to do with marital fidelity. I recall nothing in marriage vows that states "unless you become overweight" or "unless you are not as attractive to me as you once were". That excuse for his behavior would be a sorry one.

You need to decide what the limits are and insist on them. It sounds to me like he has crossed a boundry and he needs to know, in no uncertain terms.

Yes, I've been there. I had to insist that he change his behavior. After much pain and stress, we managed to work things out. It can be done.

Decide what you can and cannot tolerate and insist. Good luck to you.

benem
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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:33:06 PM
I'm really sorry. I agree with getting tested ASAP and no more sex with him without a condom until he is tested as well and shows you the results. You can't trust him now.


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CarbLover443
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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:34:20 PM
Praying for you...






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NativeNewYorker
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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:48:25 PM
I'm so sorry that you are going through this...


Staci
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tinaev
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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:52:30 PM
Holy crap. First off, this sucks and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. Wow, what a jerk.

Second off, how stupid is he?! He's been using this email for 3 months for these activities and he asks you to log in to do something for him? It seems like he might have wanted to be "caught" before it went further.

This would be a true deal breaker for me, because now that you've found out he'll just continue the behavior with email accounts you won't know about. What. A. Jerk.

bizzymumma
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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:56:38 PM
I'm so sorry.

His bad choices and lack of moral boundaries has NOTHING to do with you. Nothing.

True character is revealed when no one is watching.

You deserve better. No one deserves betrayal.

Please find someone to confide in, it will make all the difference. A confidential counsellor if you (understandably) dont want to tell a friend.

Hugs!


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Laurie

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dizzimama
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Posted: 1/30/2013 8:58:49 PM
Laurel Jean took the words right out of my mouth.
Almost a deja vu type of situation I almost wrote the same thing.

And yes, I have been there and done that, too.

No matter what... do get tested tomorrow or ASAP.
It will help you in ways you wouldn't believe. It is step one.

And yes, survivinginfidelity.com is a wonderful place.
Seeing that you are an active member of a church, also go to the focusonthefamily.com website and read under the marriage/infidelity section there. It will hopefully help you understand that YOU are not responsible for what he has done. It all sits in his hands.
Some things maybe leading up to that point you can own up to... lack of communication and the whats? That maybe. But him looking elsewhere even in a non-physical, but emotional way... that is his doing and it is NOT your fault. It lies on his shoulders.

When you go to the SI site, please look under the Healing Library Betrayed Spouse FAQ's first. There is a lot of information to help you get started. How to "see things" and how to take care of your self FIRST! Your are the primary importance right now. Take care of yourself...

mishkismom
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Posted: 1/30/2013 9:02:53 PM
He didn't marry some random skinny girl He married you! Any excuse he uses is BS. YOU are worth way more than the way you are being treated.
I am sorry you are going through this.
It seems like he expected you to see the emails and it seems like he knew what you needed to talk about without being told. That tells me something. That tells me he is a coward and you deserve more.
I will keep you in my thoughts and I hope you find your way with strength and dignity.


Jan *********************************************

littlefish
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Posted: 1/30/2013 9:06:01 PM
Him seeking something outside of your marriage is not your fault.

You deserve so much more.

Deep breath. Dig in. You'll be fine (one way or the other). Stay strong!


Julie

Aggiemom92
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Posted: 1/30/2013 9:10:54 PM
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. I have no magic words.

BUT, I just want to mention that you said you had friends/family here and so you posted anon. I'm co corned you included enough details that they might be able to figure it out. If you're really worried about privacy (as well you should be) I'd edit some out. For example, the description he gave of himself and you're occupation . . .



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MikeWozowski
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Posted: 1/30/2013 9:11:12 PM
if you want to be anon to people you know that come here, you put too many details in the op.

i would edit your OP.

and your husband is a D!CK.

momofkandn
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Posted: 1/30/2013 9:32:04 PM
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I haven't BTDT with escorts but I have with infidelity. These first couple weeks are the hardest. You are in shock and pain and feel like you've been punched in the gut and you are so very scared. You are in no shape to make any kind of decisions about your marriage or the rest of your life. So I'll just reiterate what other posters have already said. Read up at surviving infidelity. There is a ton of good information there that will help you try to make sense of everything you are feeling. And focus on yourself right now. Confront him and try to get as much information as you can out of him. But don't expect all the truth to be revealed either. I promise that he will evade and other things may come to light down the road.

Take as much time as you need to figure out what you want to do. And do what you feel is best not what others tell you to do.

Feel free to pmail me anytime. You will get through this. The strength is there inside you and you will find it. Hugs!

PEArfect
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Posted: 1/30/2013 9:45:07 PM
Just reading that makes my stomach turn. I'm sorry you are going through this. I think copying the emails was a good idea, and talking to him will hopefully help you figure out how far he has gone with this idea of hiring an escort. I think getting tested for STD's would be my next step. Only you can decide what comes after that. I honestly don't know if I could trust my husband after reading something like that. I would feel so hurt and betrayed. ((hugs))


Jen


JustCallMeMommy
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Posted: 1/30/2013 10:05:37 PM

I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. I discovered my STBXDH was talking non-stop with another woman last July. I didn't see it coming, and it shook my life up.

If he (your DH or mine) was a man, he would have dealt with any issues in your marriage before looking outside the marriage. He is taking the chicken's way out and giving you everything you need to bust him.

Be strong!


-Jennifer


BergdorfBlonde
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Posted: 1/30/2013 10:06:51 PM
I can relate to a few things you said. I was married for a LONG time with my now-ex. I had no $$ on my own, no job, no car (he turned it back in, saying it was "too much money", and never thought I could afford to live on my own. It's scary.

I'd suggest a counselor, if you could find one. Go to your church if you need a starting point. Go to the doctor and make sure you're okay as far as STD's.

Everything will get better, no matter what you choose to do. It's pretty crappy of him to use your weight as an excuse to alienate you. It's up to you if you are willing to work on it with him. If not, could you go to Legal Aid and get some help??

I ended up staying in our house for a few years, even after counseling (together and then alone), and then after he served me with divorce papers. I couldn't afford to move out and neither could he. You'll figure things out. Take the advice given here. So many Peas have dealt with divorce and they know what to do to be prepared. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hang in there.









huskergal
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Posted: 1/30/2013 10:08:32 PM
I'm sorry! Good luck to you.


Susan



IleneTell
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 1/30/2013 10:13:04 PM
So sorry you're going throgh this... Sending you some mental bug hugs



~*Trollie*~
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Posted: 1/30/2013 10:21:05 PM
Your husband's a DICK. You deserve SO MUCH MORE.

(((HUGS)))


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gryroagain
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Posted: 1/30/2013 10:26:59 PM
No. Uh- uh. Your weight, or anything else, has NOTHING to do with this. He has some serious moral failings, and that is NOT your fault. Dude is a slime bag.

Get to the bank, lock up the mortgage papers, credit cards, etc. Lock it down, and get to a lawyer. It doesn't mean you will divorce, but it does mean you can negotiate from a position that is better.

I'm so sorry. He sucks.

Tracyarts
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Posted: 1/30/2013 10:32:16 PM
Don't let him try and say he hasn't actually "done" anything with them yet, and was just being curious. He comes out and admits it in the email you quoted in the OP.

" I'm told by other providers I'm the ideal customer good looking who is a nice and very respectful and not into anything weird just passion. "

How would other "providers", which is just a code word for prostitutes in the escort business, know what kind of customer he was unless they have already done business with him?

How can he possibly try and backpedal from that?

Tracy





ScarlettForever
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Posted: 1/30/2013 11:01:36 PM
Man i thought i was having a bad day today because i lost my job - wow i hope things get better for you


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Posted: 1/30/2013 11:08:01 PM
Don't think your weight has anything to do with his issues.
You're married. He's supposed love you no matter what happens. In sickness and health and all that.

He needs counseling and/ or you both need it together.

I'm
Sorry you're going through this.

Good luck


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pjaye
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Posted: 1/31/2013 4:57:45 AM
Someone else said it further up - unless he is as dumb as a box of rocks, he asked you to log into his email account because he wanted you to find those emails.

You need to be prepared that that he deliberately forced this scenario to occur.
I have no real advice, but I think you need to consider that he might be a couple of steps ahead of you in planning or actions as far as your marriage & future are concerned.

I'm sorry you found out like that, that would be horrible.


KatieBPea
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Posted: 1/31/2013 5:37:10 AM
I'm so sorry that this has happened. The blame is squarely on him, and don't let him convince you otherwise.



Mallie
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Posted: 1/31/2013 7:26:13 AM
Please do not do yourself the disservice of thinking or allowing him to say that he wanted to screw a prostitute because you've put on weight.

Men do not use prostitutes because they want a good looking woman to screw. They use prostitutes because they want no-strings sex that's all about them, so they don't have to think about their partner's feelings or pleasure. They want a hole to deposit in.

Many many years ago, I worked in a cigar store on a street that had prostittutes once darkness fell. All different kinds of prostitutes from the very nice-looking ones with their own rooms to the trannies to the poor strung out addicts with menacing pimps who did in cars. It was an education, lemme tell you. The prostitute that got picked the most often was the one who looked like she was 30 minutes away from death, an obvious drug addict with needle scars up her arms and legs, who looked like she hadn't eaten in a year, white as the underbelly of a fish, stringy hair and a dirty bikini top. I can still see that striped bikini top i my mind, as it got dirtier and dirtier. I don't understand how a guy could even get it up for someone who looked like a walking cadaver and yet she did more business than anyone else I saw. And just who was picking her up? Guys in expensive suits and ties driving expensive cars, good-looking guys with salon haircuts who no doubt could have found much nicer looking (as in healthy, at least) women to have sex with them for free. I'd bet a significant number of them had lovely wives and girlfriends as well. Why were they picking up a drug addict and paying her $20 to blow them in their car? They wanted something only this poor pathetic drug addict could provide for $20 -- feelings of superiority and nothing more than a quick mechanical sexual release into an orifice. They didn't want good sex, they wanted cheap sex, sex that's all about them. That's why men go to prostitutes.

scrappin jen
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Posted: 1/31/2013 7:49:57 AM
I would imagine last night was one of the longest in your life. I am hoping you are ok today. His own words confirmed that other providers have had good reports- he has told you all you needed but didn't want to know. I am so very sorry. This type of pain should not come from someone you trusted and love. The best advice you could receive has been given already- don't own this for him, you don't owe him that. Take care of yourself, see a doctor and a counselor. You don't need to be the bigger person here and forgive him now even if you can't see your life without him. The job of earning your forgiveness lies in him- only you can decide in time if he is worthy of that. Don't give up a piece of yourself for his mistakes. You are worth way more than that. In the long run will you ever be able to look at him the same?

Shih Tzu Mommy
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Posted: 1/31/2013 7:55:07 AM

Regardless of what he thinks or says, remember you are a strong, smart, beautiful woman who did absolutely nothing to deserve this. Please make an appointment tomorrow to get tested for STDs and with an attorney to protect yourself. Make copies of all bank statements, etc.

Absolutely! And no matter what, DO NOT continue to have sex with him. You have no idea what he is carrying!!



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katybee8
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Posted: 1/31/2013 7:56:28 AM
I couldn't just read and run, although I really have no advice. My friend had something very similar happen to her. She got tested right away and that is the one thing I will say you should do. That and get your finances in order.

I am so sorry. He's an ass.

SmartyPants71
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Posted: 1/31/2013 8:16:00 AM
Nobody deserves to be treated this way. I am so sorry for what you are going through right now.

UkSue
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Posted: 1/31/2013 8:20:59 AM
I'm so sorry. My ex is a lying scum bag, and I know how rejected they can make you feel.

I have no real advice, I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and sending prayers and positive thoughts.


It's not the passage of time that heals. It's what you do with that time.

jjpswife
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Posted: 1/31/2013 8:29:53 AM
That was a really nice post, Mallie. You're a great writer. I hope OP takes to heart what you're trying to tell her.

Thinking of you this morning, OP.



scrappin mama
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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:02:00 AM
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your husband is totally wrong. There is no excuse for what he did.

TeamSteve
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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:06:47 AM
I am so so sorry you are having to deal with this.

I would think that by him looking for escorts he is looking for a temporary fix for whatever is going on inside him. Men's egos are very fragile. Sounds like he may be running from the financial stress you are in. Just as though someone would run to alcohol or drugs or prostitutes. I'm not saying it makes it ok what he is doing. I'm just trying to help you make sense of why this has happened.

You will be in my thoughts.



___________________________________________________________

While we may never
know the pain or
struggles of a rescue dog
the love they show
is unlike any other...

doesitmatter?
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 509,811
May 2011
Posts: 6,639
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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:54:04 AM
I just wanted to offer hugs and support. I'm so sorry. However it's a good thing that you found out so you can make choices. {hugs}


Child of God, follower of Jesus, and so thankful for His presence in my life <><
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NYRican71
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 62,328
January 2003
Posts: 8,397
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Loc: Viva Las Vegas!

Posted: 1/31/2013 10:52:18 AM
I'm so sorry. Good luck, be strong. All the love in the world on your part won't fix what he did to u.



My sweet baby boy 4 days old

nicolemartel
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 298,188
February 2007
Posts: 2,648
Layouts: 668
Loc: MARYLAND


Count: 1
Posted: 1/31/2013 3:56:24 PM
oh damn. I'm sorry


www.nicolemartel.blogspot.com

Peabay
Happy now?

PeaNut 156,993
July 2004
Posts: 46,562
Layouts: 13
Loc: Connecticut

Posted: 1/31/2013 4:26:56 PM
I hope everything is better today somehow.


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