Remember my last teen girl drama??

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Posted 1/31/2013 by **cindyupnorth** in NSBR Board
 

**cindyupnorth**
Tony is MY hoochie!

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Posted: 1/31/2013 8:12:18 PM
Well..I thought it was over with..but of course it's not. The one girl that withheld the info of the party from my dd is cont'ing to be a pill. The other day they were assigned judging together, as they are captains for the debate team. When my dd tried to talk to her about what she wanted to do, etc..Friend K said, don't you have something else to do? so DD said...do you want to do it on your own then? and friend K said. Actually I do. So dd went and did something else. I'm worried since they were asked to do it together, it's going to look bad for dd, cuz she basically walked away, cuz friend was being catty about it. But I think she did the right thing. Today dd completely avoided her friend, and the other friend. She was asked several times by other friends what was going on. Dd said she just needed some time off.
Trouble is..these girls are VERY VERY involved in things together. Closely in a small school. They need to work together. Have you ever had an another adult intercept? Their speech coach is VERY grounded, and close with the girls. I am wondering if dd should go to her, and talk to her..or will that make it look like she's tattling or ratting? SHe honestly just needs help on how to deal with it, as I as a parent, don't feel I can do that, or should. should we just let them go at it?
Other problem is..friend Ks mother is the other speech coach..and friends with the speech coach. ??
gad....I hate teen drama.






UpNorth Scrapper
Seriously warped and appalling

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Posted: 1/31/2013 8:15:53 PM
It sounds like you daughter is handling it fine.


Ellen

Quokka
PeaFixture

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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:01:30 PM
Stay out of it and let your daughter handle it. It's a good learning experience for her and it'll give her a chance to find out what to do (or not do) when these situations arise. It's teen drama, let the teens sort it out.

Gilly.



**cindyupnorth**
Tony is MY hoochie!

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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:05:20 PM
I AM staying out of it.
I'm not too sure of the whole learning experiance thing though..or just letting her totally figure it out..because isn't that part of our jobs as parents? to advise and help along?!!






AKathy
Peaing From Podunk

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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:11:55 PM

I AM staying out of it.
I'm not too sure of the whole learning experiance thing though..or just letting her totally figure it out..because isn't that part of our jobs as parents? to advise and help along?!!

Yes it is but there comes a time when you need to step back and trust what you taught them. You don't need to know the details or get involved at all. About the time you get really pissed off about the whole situation, they'll be BFFs again and you'll still be pissed. Time to step away.


***************************************


Mother Goose's Meandering Mind



momof1child
BucketHead

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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:14:44 PM
Our children need roots and wings.

It sounds that your DD has good roots, time to let her start to use her wings as this is HER life and HER problem.

Heartbreaking for a parent to watch, but the outcome will be better if SHE does it her way.

Quokka
PeaFixture

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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:17:31 PM
Sorry, I think my post came across as harsh and I didn't mean that. I don't have kids so take it for what it's worth. I was a teenager once though.

I think you should just let her totally figure it out. If she makes a mistake then that's where she learns for the next time. These relationship issues come up over and over again in life, starting in school. If she asks you for help or your opinion, then try and guide her towards good decisions but I don't you should advise her to go to another adult (the other coach). From your post it sounds to me like she's doing a good job herself.

If the situation were more sinister then that would be different, but what you're posting about it pretty typical from what I remember about high school.

Gilly.



Lisa Risser
Lisa Risser

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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:24:02 PM
Cindy--it is so darn hard isn't it? I have yet to figure out why it is that teenage (and younger) girls have to be so catty and mean! I know that with my own teenager my immediate impulse is to somehow try to fix things and I really struggle with restraining myself in that regard. But I try to. I think that sometimes though--some things just are not
"fixable".

From what you have posted it sounds as though the girls have drifted apart for some reason, or maybe for no reason at all. Your daughter may never know what is behind this girls sudden change in attitude. And that stinks. And can be really painful. And sometimes it changes other relationships between friends.

I have went through that with a friend and my daughter experienced it with a friend in middle school. It hurts---ALOT. But she WILL get through it and she will grow and learn from it. Just be there for her to talk if she needs to and be her soft spot to fall. Not much else there is to do about it really. Girls are MEAN.


~~Lisa

**cindyupnorth**
Tony is MY hoochie!

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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:27:50 PM
Gilly, you didn't sound harsh. BUT you don't have kids..and trust me..teen girls these days..WAY different. FB, internet..cellphones.etc..etc..

While I feel I have given her roots, I still feel like..in a small school, and town, IF she would do what she WANTS to do..and I've talked her down..it would be a very sad rest of the yr. My dd is very friendly, and has lots of acquantaces..but it's these 2 very very close friends she is having the problems with. It's hard..esp since they have been friends since they were toddlers. Also..I wasn't the one to suggest the teacher getting involved. Dd almost feels like she has to, since they work so close together..etc..??
My suggestions have been to her, to just move on. She's having a hard time with it.






**cindyupnorth**
Tony is MY hoochie!

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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:37:26 PM
Thanks lisa!! you know it! My dd is what I would call a hard ass. HA. She won't back down. She is also extremely funny, and cute. She does talk to me. She is not one to not express her feelings, which I am happy about. I think I am just soooo fearful, in that oldest dd went thru something very similiar to this..and basically her whole Sr yr was HELL. She is now out 2 yrs from HS, and says that it was the worse time of her life.






freecharlie
What happens in NSBR, stays in NSBR

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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:41:29 PM
I think it would have been appropriate for your DD to go to the speech coach before walking away from the judging. It isn't tattling, but rather a "we're having this problem and I am afraid it might affect the team, do you have any suggestions?"

By walking away first, the coach may not give her the benefit of the doubt.


Tribbey: I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the first, fourth, fifth, and ninth amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him! [to Ainsley] Nice meeting you

Lisa Risser
Lisa Risser

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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:48:10 PM
Cindy--I feel for you and your daughter, I really do. When I say we experienced this with DD in Middle School we REALLY experienced this. Ironic that we both live in Minnesota!

My daughters very best friend in middle school suddenly started being pretty nasty and awful--excluding dd, being snippy, etc... My daughter was absolutely devastated. We are also in a relatively small town. This happened at the end of the school year. All summer daughter was absolutely lost without the friend and the gang that followed behind with the other girl. Many tears were shed.

This actually got to the point that my daughter was seriously depressed and didn't want to begin highschool in the fall. Begged to go to a different school. We were worried. We didn't switch schools. Daughter did start an anti-depressant.

Long story short--here we are in the middle of daughters Junior year. Same school She is a member of the National Honor Society, a cheerleader, has a part time job as a bank teller, and has a wonderful boyfriend of 4 years--whom she met at school in one of her classes. The old friends? Lets just say they have taken a different path in highschool then dd.

Have to say though--the whole experience DID change my daughter. She is not so trusting anymore, a little cynical, a little more grown up than I wish she had to be. It hurt to watch her go through it, but we did, and she now chooses friends VERY carefully and trusts them a little less.


~~Lisa

**cindyupnorth**
Tony is MY hoochie!

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Posted: 2/1/2013 8:46:14 AM
OMG Lisa!! that is freaky!!!! both in MN..and my dd is also a JR.. WTH?? she is also in HS, speech, drama, etc. A good kid. Doubtful the other girls will go down a different path, as they are also in all those other activities. Thats what makes it hard. The constant togetherness in a small town, and small school.






schizo319
...And now it's time for a breakdown

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Posted: 2/1/2013 9:03:12 AM
I think your daughter should either go to the coach and say something along the lines of: "K and I decided we would rather do this project individually, do you have a suggestion on how we could split up the work?" OR she should go to k and tell her that they were assigned to work this project together and that's what they should do. They don't have to like each other, but I'd hate for your DD to be hung out to dry if K says she did the project all by herself and your DD bailed. Has your DD confronted K directly and asked her what's up?

There will be times in life where your DD and K will both have to work with people whose personalities they don't mesh well with - it's part of being an adult - the sooner K realizes that, the better.

As far as everyone here telling you to stay out of it, I don't see where you have approached anyone about this. It's your JOB to advise your kid until she is adult enough to make her own choices and decisions. There is nothing wrong with you making suggestions on how she should handle this situation, as long as you aren't forcing her to do it your way or doing it for her (which it doesn't sound like you are), you have every right to make suggestions when she comes to you for advice.



Deanne525
BucketHead

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Posted: 2/1/2013 9:47:17 AM
i have 2 teenage daughters and my best advice is to stay out of it...which is what it sounds like you are doing

i have seen parents get involved and it turns what could have been a small issue into a HUGE problem. I stay out of all kid issues and you know what...the next day or even a couple of days later the kids have worked it out and they are fine. I honestly think it hurts the parents more then it does the kids.

Trixie Bender
Everyone is someone else's weirdo

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Posted: 2/1/2013 1:49:11 PM

Gilly, you didn't sound harsh. BUT you don't have kids..and trust me..teen girls these days..WAY different. FB, internet..cellphones.etc..etc..


Gee...even though she DOESN'T have children...she seems to have said the SAME thing that others WITH children said.




I AM staying out of it.


If that's the case...what exactly...are you asking?

gar
Whoopea!

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Posted: 2/1/2013 2:09:20 PM

My dd is very friendly, and has lots of acquantaces..but it's these 2 very very close friends she is having the problems with. It's hard..esp since they have been friends since they were toddlers.


The thing is that kids are often friends from that age because the mums arrange play dates etc etc....not really because they choose each other as friends. When they get to the teen years they may well find out that they don't actually get on as well as it might seem, they change obviously and may not actually like each other so much. So......perhaps you can suggest a tew tactics for her, talk it through but in the end let her decide what she thinks is best, what she's happy doing.

It hurts, it's hard I know, I have 18 and a 21 year old DDs...





Today, I will be colouring outside the lines.


I-95
It's all just nonsense anyway!

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Posted: 2/1/2013 2:31:55 PM

If that's the case...what exactly...are you asking?


It sounded to me like she was asking whether she should advise her DD to speak to the speech coach, or just stay out of it altogether. I didn't get the impression she was asking whether she should jump in and solve the problem with her DD.

That said....I'd advise DD to ask the speech coach for some direction on how to handle the problem. Your DD sounds very grounded, just give her a nudge in the right direction. She probably just needs some validation that she's doing the right thing.

**cindyupnorth**
Tony is MY hoochie!

PeaNut 3,902
April 2000
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Posted: 2/1/2013 2:49:51 PM
Gar, no I think they choose ea other. 2 of them have ALOT in common. The ones that are having the most problems. ha.
Speech,drama, fishing, hunting, etc..dads grew up in the hometown, moms' that are educated, and moved to a small town, etc..etc..

I-95, yes. you got it!! thank you!






*Delphinium Twinkle*
I'm just a pea:)

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Posted: 2/1/2013 9:04:35 PM
Sometimes it's best to just let them work it out themselves.

Have you read Queen Bees and Wanna Bees?

It's a really good book all about mean girls and the drama


Bethie
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