just frustrated....babies/infertility/avoidance.
Post ReplyPost New TopicPosted 2/10/2013 by ray_of_sunshine in NSBR Board
 

ray_of_sunshine
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Posted: 2/10/2013 2:17:00 PM
DH and I have been trying for a child for over 2 years now. We will have been married for 5 years in May. My SIL (DH's sister and her DH) got married in June and are now pregnant, due just 2 days before their first anniversary. When they first told us, that was super hard. I came home and cried. I sort of got over it; really I just avoided thinking about it. We only see them every couple of weeks so I could put it out of my mind. Recently (within the last month) she just started to show, and they had a "gender reveal" party yesterday for friends and family where they had a cake that was either pink or blue in the middle and we all had to eat to find out. Ever since she's started to show, life has been hard. It became real to me. For the party yesterday, I really did not want to go. I wanted to stay home. But DH convinced me to go (it's his sister, be happy for them, blahblahblah). I tried to prepare myself as much as I could, but how can you really? It was pink. I cried. I went to the bathroom hoping no one saw me, sucked it up, and rejoined the rest of the party, although I was fairly silent for the last 2 hours. My SIL's SIL was there with her 2 month old little girl too. Rough.

I'm trying to be excited about having a niece, but it's so hard. This is the first grandchild for my in-laws, so of course they're super excited. But it hurts.

I have 2 close friends that I've confided all my feelings in, and they've been so supportive. I tried to talk to my other SIL about it, but she's not understanding at all....

I have another friend who is pregnant and having a baby shower next weekend. I'm not sure if I'm going to go. If I do, it will be with one of the two friends I have confided in, not alone.

I'm not sure what kind of response I'm looking for here. No response is needed really. I just need to vent about this whole situation. It's so difficult, and I'm not sure how to handle it all. Thanks for listening, peas!

NICU_nurse_Ashley
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 2/10/2013 2:25:16 PM
I'm sure that's very hard...I have no other support besides a listening ear. *hugs*

Have you heard of thebump.com? They have message boards for women who are trying to conceive and/or have issues conceiving.


"I am fairly certain that given a cape and a nice tiara, I could save the world."

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NewfCathy
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Posted: 2/10/2013 2:26:03 PM
It is so tough.... It is an anguish like no other. And it makes it so hard to be the one with empty arms. Must be deep rooted in our chemistry.

When my niece called to tell me that she was pg, I cried. But then, ....Her son was born 3 months before mine.

After ds was born, we had 3 losses.

What does your doctor say?

Cathy

KristinL16
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Posted: 2/10/2013 2:30:22 PM
I'm sorry you are going through this. DH and I TTC for 4 years before I got pregnant with our oldest. At first I was as to blow it off and not let it bother me, but after a few years it was relly difficult. It seemed that everywhere I went all i saw was babies or pregnant women. I would start crying at the mall. My cousin had three pregnancies before I was even pregnant with my first. Plus other relatives...

Until that time we thought my endometriosis was to blame and were told we probably would need IVF, which we couldn't afford. Around the 3 year mark we decided we needed to move forward with testing and take steps to figure out what the plan of action was. To our surprise, we found out that my DH had a varicocele. He had surgery that corrected the problem. I got pregnant about 9 months later. We now have four boys. . I say that to give you hope. As with any situation, being as to take control of the things you can (testing, talking to your dr, doing research) while trying to let go of the things you can't control is important. Also, keep in mind that it isn't that you are upset that your sister/friends are pregnant. You are upset that you aren't. Be happy for them the same way you would want them to be happy for you.


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finally~a~mama
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Posted: 2/10/2013 2:46:29 PM
((hugs)) I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it's rough. We TTC for 3 years before conceiving our DD. When we were ready to try for a second we knew to go to the RE pretty quickly. It took 8 months to conceive that time & it ended in a miscarriage. Four months after the miscarriage we conceived again. It's been a rough journey & I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I can't even tell you how many people I knew that had babies while we were trying.. and trying... The pain was crushing at times. Please know that your feelings are normal. ((hugs)) again




Luvnlifelady
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Posted: 2/10/2013 2:54:11 PM
There is hope but in the meantime, do what you have to do to protect yourself. Skip showers if you want, it's ok. Don't expect anyone to understand that hasn't been there. I have and it sucks big time.

There is a "TTC" thread here sometimes, but the good news is that most have "graduated" from it. I would seek help from your doctor if you haven't. If you feel that he/she is not helping enough, I suggest consulting a Reproductive Endocrinologist.

It ended up being that we had issues on both sides but eventually got DD naturally after the dye test and DS through insemination. I wish you luck on your journey. Be gentle to yourself and your DH. It can be so hard on a marriage.



benem
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Posted: 2/10/2013 3:06:00 PM
I'm really sorry. It sounds tough.


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UkSue
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Posted: 2/10/2013 3:48:03 PM
I'm sorry. When I was having trouble getting pregnant, and then had a series of miscarriages, it seemed like the whole world around me was getting pregnant and giving birth. It wasn't made easy by the fact I was working as a midwife at the time!

I learnt to develop a public face. It was all I could do, and it got easier to present that face as time goes on.

It's easy for me and others to say, but you will only hurt yourself long term if you don't learn to deal with it. All the research shows that woman get pregnant when they are less stressed, and clearly you are allowing yourself to become stressed whenever you are confronted by a pregnant friend or family member. Continue to confide in friends and family, maybe even get some professional counselling where you can unload to someone totally neutral? I hope it is not long at all until you are sharing your own happy news with people.

Are you undergoing any investigations or treatment? That was a big step forward for me,helped me feel a little more in control.


It's not the passage of time that heals. It's what you do with that time.

ladygarter1574
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Posted: 2/10/2013 9:42:17 PM
At this point in your life with all the showers etc, I think it is okay to skip the parties.

To keep the ties with the friend or family person having the baby, get some blank cards, write your best wishes (you've read enough greeting cards to fake a good message) and include a Target/Wmart gift card in it. The card shows you're there in spirit even if you can't be there because it hurts right now. And a generic gift card will come in handy for the parents later without inflicting a baby department visit on your tender soul right now. This way you can acknowledge their joy but still avoid the rawness of the moment.

Hugs for you.

Christina


pheestand
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Posted: 2/10/2013 9:52:34 PM
9 years of marriage, never tried to not get pregnant, never any birth control, it just never happened. Two years of infertility testing, a doctor switch mid way through and finally one IVF cycle; it's all we could afford - after being told we'd never have biological children.

The twins are freshman in high school. Infertility is a very hard road, definitely not something most people could understand unless they've walked the walk.

Hugs to you. I understand how hard it is. Definitely follow your heart and follow whatever path you are guided to. Wish I could say something profound and comforting, but there's nothing anyone can say to make it magically be easier. So sorry it's a tough time right now.


Epeanymous
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Posted: 2/10/2013 11:08:09 PM
It is hard. You are doing well to go to the events. If you have some IRL friends to confide in and some support on the Internet (like here), that is good.

ratqueen
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Posted: 2/10/2013 11:12:43 PM
I'm so sorry. I remember the pain of your position so clearly.

For me the ttc/infertility boards just made me feel worse as people found success and dropped off. But for some it's a great source of support.

When I felt beaten down by the ENTIRE WORLD getting pregnant around me as we tried in vain, I kept telling myself "their pregnancy/baby does not lessen my chances of having one." It didn't always work. But sometimes it made it hurt a little bit less.

It is totally okay for you to skip baby showers and baby events. It really is. And don't feel guilty for doing it.

I wish you peace, luck, and strength as you go forward. Dont lose hope.



JenAllyson
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Posted: 2/10/2013 11:14:24 PM

When my niece called to tell me that she was pg, I cried. But then, ....Her son was born 3 months before mine.


Same thing happened to me, except my grand-neice is 9 months older than my DS1. It's a really hard pill to swallow when the next generation starts having babies before you.

OP - I'm so sorry that you're feeling so bad. I've been there done that with nearly 7 years of trying to get pregnant and all of my sisters and in laws having lots and lots of babies. I'm sending hugs your way and please don't lose hope. You never know what the future holds. If there is anything that I've learned in my life, its that everyone has completely different challenges, trials, and conversely blessings, and life happens in it's very own timeline for every individual.



Sunny Day
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Posted: 2/10/2013 11:18:33 PM

It is totally okay for you to skip baby showers and baby events. It really is. And don't feel guilty for doing it.



It really is.


Cindy


pudgy_groundhog
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Posted: 2/10/2013 11:20:58 PM
I don't have any specific advice, just ((hugs)). Sorry you are having a rough time; I can understand how it would be difficult (it took some time for me to become pregnant with my daughter).



Brooke~in~Oregon
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Posted: 2/11/2013 12:59:18 AM
We went through fertility treatments for 4 years. We finally just stopped 3 years ago because I just couldn't handle it any more. Sometimes I go to showers, sometimes I don't. I know pretty well when I can deal with it and when I can't. I never feel bad about not going. It is what is best for my mental health.



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RedSquirrel
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Posted: 2/11/2013 3:44:31 AM
I just wanted to send you a hug.

We were TTC for 8 years. The day after I was told I was miscarrying, a "friend" who knew all about it asked me to spend the day with her, only to tell me that she was pregnant. Now I look back on it and pat myself on the back for not running away, or crying (at the time), or pushing her in the lake!

Being unhappy at someone else's success does NOT make you a bad person. Your time will come. Hang in there. And good luck!

TalissaAmity
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Posted: 2/11/2013 4:04:01 AM
Wow RedSquirrel, that is just amazingly cruel and thoughtless.

Hugs to you Ray-of-sunshine. Sending baby vibes your way.

OCLittleFlower
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Posted: 2/11/2013 4:12:08 AM
While I've never attempted to get pregnant (I was aware it was medically impossible before we were married), I know what it's like to want children with all your being and not have them. And to have a baby in the family really hurt.

I didn't have these issues when my best friend was pregnant, but I have issues with the unintended and much facebook gloated pregnancy of my husband's unwed cousin. She's kind of a tacky person anyway, I hate to say, and she's always annoyed the crud out of me, so that might be a chunk of it. (She recently posted photos to Facebook of, um, a present from her dog, if you catch my drift. And no, the pup didn't hunt down a field mouse. )

And perhaps it hurts more now because when my BFF was PG, we had more definitive adoption plans. But now Russia has closed and we're very in flux and I just don't want to take budget away from our adoption to even send a shower gift to DH's cousin.


Cupcake ipsum dolor sit.

writermom1
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Posted: 2/11/2013 5:59:09 AM
You are human so of course you feel that way. I'm so sorry. I have no wisdom but wanted you to know that your feelings are understandable.



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ashazamm
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Posted: 2/11/2013 6:46:36 AM
This was me ten years ago! Except I knew 15 (I'm not joking) women who were pregnant while I was struggling. It took us a year to finally become pregnant. I didn't have a SIL who was expecting, it was a really good friend that we saw all the time. It was so hard, I still remember like it was yesterday.

If I could tell myself then what I know now, I would tell myself to not freak about it and that everything would work out the way it was supposed to. It's hard, I know, been there but it will work out the way it's supposed to.


scrap4maddie
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Posted: 2/11/2013 7:02:27 AM
I know how you feel. 5 years of trying to get pregnant and having people ask why I didn't want to have a baby. It is so painful. It is ok to skip these parties. You are in enough pain. Don't put yourself through more pain if you can help it.


~Erica~







Tlcpea
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Posted: 2/11/2013 7:29:35 AM
I could've written your post, but replace sil with best friend. After a good cry I called a doctor to see what was wrong. Nine months later I was pregnant with my daughter who is now 20.


Tara

PEArfect
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:41:13 AM
I will be the lone dissenter and say that you might have regretted not going to your SIL's gender reveal party. I know it was hard, I've been there, but I think it's great that you went.

I was the last family member to find out that my brother and his wife were pregnant. Why? They were hesitant to tell me because my dh and I had been ttc and suffered a miscarriage the year before. I was sad when I found out that they felt they had to keep their happy news from me. What they didn't know was that I was pregnant too. My mom kept telling me that I should share my news with my brother, but we didn't want to tell anyone else until we were further along. She knew about both pregnancies, but was waiting for us both to share with each other. My nephew was born 8 days before our dd.

I took fertility medicine again for my second pregnancy, but not for my third. She was a surprise!

I hope you get your miracle too. ((hugs))


Jen


Carey Ayn
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:57:54 AM
Dh and I did not prevent for seven years and actually tried off and on during that time. Even worse, when I finally did get pg, my son was born prematurely and passed away. It happened when three other of my department coworkers ( out of ten) were pg and due all within four months of me. It was also just before Thanksgiving.

It was just really really hard. I went to obligatory things and steered clear of optional get togethers. After my son was born, i just sent gifts to showers. Before I had my son, I would usually go and for me, if possible, I would get involved with the process. It helped to just go all in and embrace it, but again, we are all different. I found the more I stayed away, the more obsessive and hurtful it became. Going all in, made me stronger.

However, after the loss, I couldn't do it. Luckily, I got pg only a few months later.



PEAcan pie
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Posted: 2/11/2013 9:05:44 AM
I know it is hard but you cannot stop celebrating another persons joy. By not going to friends shower is not going to change the fact she is having a baby.. what are you going to do avoid her until you have your own and you no longer feel this way?

I completely understand your feelings but you have to suck it up.
I had infertility issues for many years.. suffered two miscarraiges and ectopic pregnancy (almost died). Then finally had my dd with IVF. I still was able to attend showers etc.

Although I would cry whenever I saw baby clothes while shopping...

I dont mean to sound uncaring but there are going to be many roadblocks in life and sometimes you have to face it head on.




momocarly
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Posted: 2/11/2013 9:15:35 AM
It is very hard. We went through it for 15 1/2 years before adopting dd and then having ds 2 years later. I went through my best friend having an abortion (nearly killed our friendship) and then two kids. I nearly died every time but sucked it up and loved on my niece and nephew. I did avoid showers and got to a point where I avoided the mall. Hang in there.


Debbie
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scrappy_princess
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Posted: 2/11/2013 10:06:26 AM
I am sorry you are struggling. I know it is hard.


It is totally okay for you to skip baby showers and baby events. It really is. And don't feel guilty for doing it.


Based on personal experience I am going to chime in here and say... if you skip showers and events of people close to you and refuse to celebrate their babies -- don't be surprised if they are hurt. Also know that they may not celebrate with you when the time comes.

Family relationships (especially in-laws) are fragile. Everyone wants love & support for what they are going through. It is your choice whether you want to celebrate their happiness or turn the focus on to you.

I went through 7 miscarriages. One was at the same time my SIL was expecting (our due dates were 2 weeks apart --although I miscarried at 11 weeks and had not yet announced my pregnancy) and I choose avoidance. She was so hurt by my action of avoidance and 13 years later, our relationship has never recovered. I regret that I didn't go to her shower or see her much during her pregnancy. The focus is only on you if you place it there.


*betsey*
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CountryHam
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Posted: 2/11/2013 10:09:55 AM
I feel the same way as Betsy.
It is tough and emotional.
If you want folks to celebrate your baby with you when
or if the time comes, then you should celebrate
and rejoice with them for their joy.

Please don't rob your family and friends of
their joy because of your struggles.

mzscrappea
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Posted: 2/11/2013 10:53:44 AM
OP, if your friends/family can't understand that you're emotionally vulnerable and deeply hurt by your own situation, then it is them with the problem, not you. Making demands, getting angry and/or gulit-tripping someone into attending a baby shower is heartless and selfish when infertility is known to be involved. Friends/family that are worth their salt should be able to comprehend your pain, and to forgive you for not wanting to attend their showers right now. It doesn't mean that you wish them ill, or are jealous, etc; it only means that you need to take care of your own mental health right now. After all, YOU are responsible for your mental state, no one else. And THEY are responsible for their mental state, no one else. Do not let people scare or guilt you into doing something that you know would hurt you. And btw, wishes of peace, answers and hugs to you OP! I've been there too!

rosiekat
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Posted: 2/11/2013 11:47:52 AM
It sounds like you haven't actually talked with pregnant SIL about your feelings. Are you close enough to her that you could maybe gently explain why you're not over the top happy? I had a dear friend pregnant when I was going through all my infertility stuff. It really helped me when I could just sit down with her and clear the air. I just explained to her that I was truly thrilled for her, but that I was sad at the same time because of my own difficulties. And then I explained that I didn't want or expect her to do anything differently, except to accept me if I was a bit sad a times, or perhaps not as ecstatic about all the little details as she would expect me to be. I still wanted her to share and to include me, and to share the happiness, but also to understand where my head was with all of it. I think talking it out really helped us both.

Regardless, I know it's tough. We eventually adopted, the kids are now 7 and 4. My BIL just married in November, and they got pregnant immediately. (Sooner than they even hoped, actually!) And you know what? I'm thrilled for them, but even now, there is a teensy bit of jealousy. It's OK.


Jen


CharliesAngel
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Posted: 2/11/2013 11:51:04 AM
If you don't feel up to going to showers/gender reveal parties/etc, just tell the guest of honor why. I've been nothing but honest with my friends, and not one of them has held it against me that I skipped these events. I always give them a gift beforehand or just after, or send one with a friend.

My friends understand that I'm not upset at them or not wanting to share their joy, it's the part of the shower where 16 people bombard you with questions like, "What? Do you hate kids or something? When are you going to finally start having kids," etc etc. My husband and I have been together 13 years, so people are REALLY pushy about it, and it makes me a bit fragile because I don't want to have to explain to good friend's aunt that my ovaries are busted, but I want kids more than anything in the world. My friends understand that THAT is what I'm avoiding, not their happiness.


CharliesAngel
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Posted: 2/11/2013 11:51:20 AM
If you don't feel up to going to showers/gender reveal parties/etc, just tell the guest of honor why. I've been nothing but honest with my friends, and not one of them has held it against me that I skipped these events. I always give them a gift beforehand or just after, or send one with a friend.

My friends understand that I'm not upset at them or not wanting to share their joy, it's the part of the shower where 16 people bombard you with questions like, "What? Do you hate kids or something? When are you going to finally start having kids," etc etc. My husband and I have been together 13 years, so people are REALLY pushy about it, and it makes me a bit fragile because I don't want to have to explain to good friend's aunt that my ovaries are busted, but I want kids more than anything in the world. My friends understand that THAT is what I'm avoiding, not their happiness.


papergoddess
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Posted: 2/11/2013 2:21:08 PM
Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately I know way too many couples who have faced the same issues. And it always seems like the ones who have the best marriages and would make the best parents seem to struggle. I don't get it.

All I can say is keep trying and if its not coming natural, seek fertility help through modern medicine.

It took my Mom 10 years to have a baby when everybody else "had" to get married bcz they were pg. I think her SIL was on her 4th before my Mom had 1, she told me she would cry & be frustrated a lot. But she ended up with 2 kids. So don't lose hope.

Altho, I gotta say, the gender reveal party sounds a lil over--the-top, like that's what celebrities do?! Esp if they know of your struggles, but maybe they don't. Maybe the families need to be aware so they can be more sensitive.




redboots
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Posted: 2/11/2013 2:46:01 PM

I feel the same way as Betsy.
It is tough and emotional.
If you want folks to celebrate your baby with you when
or if the time comes, then you should celebrate
and rejoice with them for their joy.

Please don't rob your family and friends of
their joy because of your struggles.


I agree with this.

I have struggled with infertility and understand the heartbreak you're experiencing. I do think, though, that women who struggle with this issue often become quite self-centered and view life through a lense of loss and self-pity.


snugglebutter
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Posted: 2/11/2013 2:52:42 PM
I think you should do what your are able to do. It is an incredibly painful experience.

Personally I cannot imagine being upset with someone for not attending my baby shower, especially for an emotionally difficult reason like infertility or loss.



Sara


ray_of_sunshine
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Posted: 2/18/2013 3:43:55 PM
OP here. Thanks everyone, for your kind words. DH and I have our first appointment in a week with a fertility clinic. Nervous, but excited to finally maybe get some answers!

the_carrottop
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Posted: 2/18/2013 4:16:58 PM

Sometimes I go to showers, sometimes I don't. I know pretty well when I can deal with it and when I can't. I never feel bad about not going. It is what is best for my mental health.


I think this is wise advice...And it's what I did most of the time. There are just some times when you don't feel up to it. However, I will qualify this by saying that if it was a family member or a close friend, I tried really hard to be happy for them and made a special effort to attend.

On the other hand, if the shower was for an aquantaince and not a close friend, I might not attend if I'm feeling down or emotionally fragile. If I'm not close to the mom-to-be, I'd do what another poster suggested and drop off a gift or send it along with a friend. I still wanted to do a little something, even of I couldn't attend.

I also learned as time went on that talking to people about it helped make the issue of my infertility less of a taboo and it helped other people understand what dh and I were going through. And later, when we made the decision to adopt, we could talk with those same folks again and ask them to keep their ears open for us if they knew of an adoption situation that might fit our situation.

It took twelve long years for us to start a family though adoption. And, at some point in that twelve years, (I think by reading a book on infertility), I found a way to vent my feelings and let go of my grief. I think each woman who goes through this needs to find their own way to process what they are going through. I also think it's going to vary a bit from person to person based on what works for them. In my own case, I created an album documenting my experience with infertility, which allowed me to "dump" what I was feeling into it. It was really cathartic for me, and helped me to keep things in perspective without letting the sadness of it overtake me. I still go back and flip through it from time to time. I still feel sad about not having a biological child sometimes, so rereading the album allows me to work through those feelings again, then move on to the rest of my day. It also reminds me of the blessings that have come from adopting my kids, and that I have a lot to feel happy about. I guess the point of all this is that you will find your own way as you go through this. You will find your own ways to cope and you can enjoy the goodness that is in your life today, even as you struggle through infertility. Hang in there...


Lorell
My Blog: Common Sense Scrapbooking


JonnaM
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Posted: 2/18/2013 6:04:06 PM
If you don't want to go, don't. I adopted my son 11 years ago and still avoid baby showers. Even though I'm not childless, I am infertile. It's ok to be upset. Do what is best for you. It hurts and not many people can understand. Hugs.


Jonna
Wife to a brave volunteer firefighter, mom to an 11-year-old baseball and basketball phenom, an ornery GSP, Koda; a lazy Rottie, Kenai and an angel Rottie, Indy.

My blog
http://jonna-alittleofthis.blogspot.com/
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Belia
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Posted: 2/18/2013 10:09:10 PM
I am so, so sorry for what you're going through.

I wish you peace, and I will be sending good thoughts in your direction for your dr appt!
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