Less than motivated husbands...at what point do you give up and hire it done?

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Posted 2/11/2013 by TankTop in NSBR Board
 

TankTop
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:35:10 AM
My dh is very handy, but not so very motivated.

We have been "bickering" about an issue for about a year now. He keeps saying he will handle it. He doesn't. I call to get an estimate. He freaks over the cost and says he will do it. He doesn't do it.

Round and round we go.

So, at what point do you just tell him to stop talking and start doing, or start paying? I am tired of it not being handled, and it being a constant irritant.


"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome." Hope Floats


ratqueen
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:37:20 AM
I'd give him a hard deadline.

"Honey, I'd love it if you would (build a house for the raccoons living in our attic, or whatever). It needs to be done by X date, or I'll need to call in a contractor, because it needs to get done."



Designing
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:38:54 AM
Tank Top, I would hire it out now. No more arguing, just get it done. But then I had the exact same issue in my last marriage and because of his laziness and refusal to allow me to pay to have anything done, my car ended up with major issues and I finally had to sell it at a major loss. never again will I argue about things getting done, I just handle it and leave everyone else out of it. Hope you get the issue resolved soon!


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Pretty In PeaNK

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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:43:26 AM
I agree with ratqueen, except I wouldn't create a deadline, I'd discuss one with him.

I'd ask, when can I expect this to be done? What's the no-later-than date?


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Peabay
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:45:08 AM
This is when having a non- handy dh, who knows he's non-handy, is a great thing. We just hire people right away!

I like the idea of asking him to give you a date and hiring someone after that point.



PEArfect
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:46:13 AM
Is it something that you could do? That might be a compromise. It gets done without spending $$ for hired help.

My dh really is NOT a handy man, and he doesn't have the time for odd jobs around house, so we have this issue too. He 'thinks' he can still do them so he doesn't have to pay someone to do it. A few of the projects I did myself, but some are beyond my capabilities. I would just make things worse.


Jen


pheestand
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:47:01 AM
Will be watching this for answers too - the trim molding in my laundry room was never put back when we replaced the flooring in the kitchen/laundry room... 7 years ago! It aggrivates me because I started to do it, when he reminded me that we wanted to put beadboard on the walls, which would involve taking up the baseboards as well, then installing new. So the wallpaper was removed 7 years ago, and he said not to deal with the walls since they'd be covered anyway. There it sets- wallpaper paste, and a hole in the drywall from the back door doorknob. It has become a depressing project for me that I know won't get done. I wish I could do it myself, but it's a bit more than I can handle on my own. We had a person come and stain our new doorwall to match our wood beams in our sunroom about a year ago- he even casually mentioned as he was passing through the laundry room to the garage that he has a friend who could design a really great laundry room for me, more "in keeping with the style of the house". I think maybe I need to make a phone call and see about having it done. ... or washing the walls, applying some paint and just tacking the quarter-round trim back into place. That I can do on my own.

PunchPrincess

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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:48:33 AM
I have to get my mind out of the gutter. I was about to suggest 1-800-gigolo.



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ratqueen
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:49:14 AM

I agree with ratqueen, except I wouldn't create a deadline, I'd discuss one with him.



You're right, that makes more sense both as a keep-the-peace move and as a responsible grownup move



gar
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:49:26 AM

I like the idea of asking him to give you a date and hiring someone after that point.


I think I'd go with his. I wouldn't set the dealine myself, I get him to give one and agree that you'll get someone in after that.



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Pretty In PeaNK

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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:49:56 AM
I wanted to add something. He is not holding up his end of an agreement. If you go behind his back and hire someone, you're essentially doing the same thing.

By coming up a no-later-than date together, you're on the same page as far as expectations so there are no surprises.


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Darkangel090260
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:50:44 AM
I don't ask I just do it my self.


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recap.pea
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:51:40 AM
A friend of mine goes through this... She had a hole in her living room wall for two years (kids horsing around and accidentally put a big hole in the wall)

Her DH kept saying next weekend....

Finally, she said, "if it is not taken care of by the end of this month, then I am paying someone to fix it" (she didn't decide on a deadline with him because he had 2 years already)

He never fixed it so she took the day off work, called someone out and they fixed it and painted the living room, it was all done when her DH came home.

He didn't complain about the cost since she had told him she was going to do that.

Since then, she always gives him a deadline and seldom does he do it, I think he has gotten to where it is ok with him to get someone else to fix things


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TankTop
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:52:00 AM
No, this is not something I am capable of or I would have done it long ago.

I will ask him to set a deadline tonight. If it does not get done this time I will just hire it. I figure if he chooses not to do it, he chooses to pay.


"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome." Hope Floats


Georgiapea
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:53:09 AM
I would just hire it done. If your DH can not find the time to take care of the situation, it's really a kindness for you to take charge and hire it done.

Duchess of Stuff
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:58:08 AM
" Honey because I know you were getting tired of me bugging you about it I thought I would surprise you and 'have it done'."


~ "full price is a F-word" ~

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Posted: 2/11/2013 9:28:29 AM

My dh is very handy, but not so very motivated.


First off, please send my husband home because obviously we are married to the same person.

Second, my husband is also a perfectionist on top of it. Every time we have hired someone to do something, it's been done to less than his (impossible to achieve even for himself) standards.

I did find that if I appeal to his sense of responsibility TO ME, it works better. "Honey, I know you can do it, but you just don't have time to do it right now and it's not fair to ME to live with a kitchen that has been in constant remodel stage for 7 years."

I spent all of the last 9 years living in a house that we practically gutted from the floor up and remodeled. And never lived in a finished house the entire time until it was time to put it on the market and sell when we decided to move to another state.

This will not happen again. I told him it wasn't fair to me. That I won't live like that even if that is how HE was raised (his dad is a homebuilder/carpenter and they never had a finished home). We agreed to build a new house and we agreed that other than small, one at a time projects, all work will be hired out. We haven't moved into the house yet, but so far, so good. We've been pricing out some projects and determining which ones need to be done "immediately" and which ones can wait and be done on a more laid back (i.e. his schedule) basis.


Carla




JustCallMeMommy
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Posted: 2/11/2013 9:46:22 AM
This is one of the things I don't miss about my soon-to-be-ex-DH. I have been able to do so many projects around the house that were just waiting on him to get around to them. He didn't want to spend the money, but he never could find the time to get the work done. In our case, some of it was passive-aggressive - "If I don't fix the fence, then she can't get the dog she wants."

If I could go back in time, I would just find a good handy man and have the work completed immediately.

ETA: FWIW, it always ended up costing more when DH would do the project. For instance, he did a great job fixing the refrigerator, but he cut his hand in the process and had to get stitches...that cost as much as a new fridge. And the chemical he used to clear the garbage disposal did its job...but the chemical burn on his face and eyes wasn't worth the expense.


-Jennifer


UkSue
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Posted: 2/11/2013 9:58:19 AM

ETA: FWIW, it always ended up costing more when DH would do the project. For instance, he did a great job fixing the refrigerator, but he cut his hand in the process and had to get stitches...that cost as much as a new fridge. And the chemical he used to clear the garbage disposal did its job...but the chemical burn on his face and eyes wasn't worth the expense.


am I really awful because I laughed at this ?

My ex is exactly the same. So much has gone undone that it is going to cost me a fortune now to get essential work done that he was going to fix and never did.,


It's not the passage of time that heals. It's what you do with that time.

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Posted: 2/11/2013 10:02:57 AM
We have a 'two balks' rule, then we hire someone.



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eebud
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Posted: 2/11/2013 10:16:46 AM
I would first try to make sure that it really was something I couldn't do myself. For instance, the hole in the wall talked about above would not be that hard to fix. If the wall is textured though, that could be hard to do and make it look nice.

I like the suggestion of coming up with a deadline together and then calling in someone to have it done if not completed by the mutually agreed upon date. However, if it is something like the washing machine is broken, then I am not waiting at all because I am not going to spend time going to a laundry mat vs. just getting mine fixed or replaced.

I am lucky. DH is very handy and he doesn't put things off. The problem though is he needs to quit taking on the heavy duty jobs. He is not 25 years old anymore. LOL





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IleneTell
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Posted: 2/11/2013 10:20:41 AM

I'd give him a hard deadline


Exactly.

"You said you'd like to do XXX. It has been a year. It will cost us $XXX to hire someone to do it. I will be hiring someone on XXX if it's not done by then."



~SuburbanMom~
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Posted: 2/11/2013 10:22:54 AM
My husband won't do any big chores (or even medium sized) so I don't hesitate to hire people. I look at it as win win situation, he hates doing the chores, I hate nagging and we help the economy....

Seriously for me, it is just totally not worth it to nag. I just figure out what needs to be done and either do it myself or hire someone.



cmpeter
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Posted: 2/11/2013 10:38:23 AM
What is it?

My sister's DH is similar. She just installed a new garbage disposal on her own. She's never done something like that before. But, just got tired of waiting on him.


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Posted: 2/11/2013 10:53:11 AM
for me, the time for talking would be over. Call a contractor or whomever and have it done, while he's at work.

He had his chance. It only takes calling a bluff once or twice, the procrastinator learns pretty quickly, to make good on their commitments.


Stephi

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catholicone
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Posted: 2/11/2013 11:01:32 AM
I just pay. I don't even ask anymore. DH is not handy, he works hard during the week at his job, very hands on with the kids during the weekend...I just pay if I want something done Ina timely manner. He kvetches about the cost but I get the best deal and unless he gets it done by a certain date, I just hire it out. More often than not he realizes its more of a hassle to do whatever it is (learn how to do it, buy supplies, etc.) and tells me to hire someone.

mikklynn
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Posted: 2/11/2013 12:31:35 PM
I hired someone to install our new water softener and told DH it was his Father's Day gift...it would be done and I would quit nagging. He was ok with it.


Lynn



FLA SummerBaby
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Posted: 2/11/2013 12:50:43 PM

First off, please send my husband home because obviously we are married to the same person.

LOL @ BF!!! I feel the same way......

Watching this thread with interest.

~~ Lisa ~~

Peakerboo
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Posted: 2/11/2013 12:51:01 PM
So waiting 7 years for the deck to be completed isn't normal???
9 years without a garage; 2 years for a hole in the drywall; 1.5 years to patch and re-hang the towel bar; realizing when 2 of my tires are bald that he hasn't rotated them EVER when he occasionally changes the oil in my car over the past 5 years... The only time he will complete anything is when I mention I am asking my dad to come fix it. Actually, all listed items above are still incomplete as of today, except the tires. Even then, I had to take care of it myself, and got yelled at because I didn't bring home the bald tires to use as spares...
Sorry to hijack. I have lowered my standards so far, I apparently don't have ANY standards left. Time to make a few calls, and get out the checkbook.

Pridemom
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Posted: 2/11/2013 12:54:34 PM
This makes me feel better about my dh. His talents lie in administrative areas, so we have to hire most repairs out. He can do a few minor home repairs and I praised him highly when he solved a problem with our hot water heater last weekend.




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Maryland
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Posted: 2/11/2013 1:20:41 PM
I would call someone in to do it. Just tell him that you will call a repair person. That you know he is busy, and since it's been a year, you would like it done.

I'm not handy at all, but my husband is. Same problem with getting him to fix things sometimes. I try not to nag since he does work and I don't. But if I really need it done I will just tell him that I know he is busy so it will help to have someone else do it.

I really wish I was handy like my husband!

Stinky Rose
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Posted: 2/11/2013 1:42:11 PM
I surprise myself at the things I am able to learn and do on my own. I've patched holes, finished drywall, installed crown molding, painted my kitchen cabinets, framed out windows and added window sills with molding underneath, and put up a beadboard backsplash complete with finished trim. I learned how to use the various power saws and tools and just went for it.

All of these projects happened while DH was out of town.

Find some videos on YouTube, do some research and see if you can do it!



MisasMom
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Posted: 2/11/2013 7:37:18 PM
Every week for a year, I asked my DH to help me carry the box with new closet doors from the garage up to the guest room. He always had an excuse. I noticed a van in traffic one day that said Handyman and gave a local phone number. I went home and called and set up an appointment. Not only did the doors get installed, I got all the light fixtures all updated, 2 plumbing issues fixed and a few other small things too. DH was happy that I was not nagging any more, I was happy to have everything done and Jason (handyman) was happy for the work. The moral of the story, call someone in


Pat

SMayer
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:01:55 PM
I my DH. He's very handy, but knows his limits. We don't hire out often, but when we do, it's because the job is too big or too complex.


TXDancermom
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:03:35 PM
mine is not handy at all - so if i can't do it, I get someone to do it.


PEAS well w/ others
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:12:06 PM
DH isn't super handy, but instead of trying something and it not getting done right - he's gotten much better over the years about asking for help. We have a lot of friends that are really good at all sorts of things, so he asks them to teach him how to do it. He generally is more of a helper while our friends do the job, but he's gaining some sort of knowledge about general repairs. WIN/WIN

Do you have any friends who could help out while your DH "helps" them?


=======================================================
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scrapper100
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:17:46 PM
I would love to find a handyman that is affordable and that will actually show up when they are supposed to. I have a ton of projects and I just don't know where to start. Some are things that DH can do and some are ones that we need to call someone for. Any tips on finding a descent and reliable handman I am afraid of getting taken advantage of or not having the work done properly.

We have a couple of sinks and faucets that need to be replaced - DH doesn't want to deal with the plumbing - these are at the top of my list. I have a friend whose husband is a plumber and is often not working but he doesn't do houses only big buildings urg.


Patti

Nantini
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:25:37 PM
I've found dh usually gets around to doing it when I attempt to fix it. You know cause I don't seem to know how to do it correctly.

Right now I have a new terlit to install. It's been here a week already.

catholicone
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Posted: 2/11/2013 8:42:03 PM
Scrapper--ask your friends or moms of your chikdren's friends if they have a handyman. We've got two handymen, one is a very basic handyman (Sheetrock, painting, replace rotting wood in the fence or house trim) then we've got a more skilled handyman (minor electrical, plumbing, carpentry. Etc.). I found both through referrals, one is my housekeeper's husband, the other is a friend's long time handyman.

MetalDancer
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Posted: 2/11/2013 9:04:52 PM
My STB-XH got a wild hair about 7 years ago to put in a small patio off the back where our sliding glass doors are. (I should have known no good would have come to this, because he hasn't followed through with ANYTHING in our almost 30 years of marriage, including filing for divorce!)

But I digress.

So he measures out where he wants it to go and off we go to Home Depot. He buys seven 4 X 4, eight foot tall posts, two bags of cement and some boards and cinder blocks to block it all off. Sets the posts in the concrete, digs a trench to set all of the cinder blocks and boards in to "square it off" and has a small load of rock delivered. The premise was to have a friend of ours, who is a contractor, come dump concrete on the whole thing and smooth it over. Then he was going to put lattice all around (hence the need for the 8 foot posts) and a roof.

And there it sits...7 1/2 years like that. The wooden front porch is ready to fall in. And it has no stair access, as he tore those out several years ago and closed in the tiny porch. Guess I'd have to jump in case of a fire. The back steps are completely gone; again, something he never took care of. I supposed I could have hired it done while he was still here, if I'd have had money left over after bills got paid. I paid part of the bills, he paid the other part but he made considerably more than I do so I couldn't get it done and he wouldn't do it.

He's been gone 2 1/2 years. In the separation agreement meeting with our attorneys, his attorney produced a letter in which he handed me the house and X amount a month in alimony. He basically wanted NO responsibility for anything in the house. It's a double wide and we've been in it 14 1/2 years. The roof needs attention, the driveway is completely rutted out. There are things that need to be done that I simply have no extra money for. I'm in the process of trying to refinance the house so I can take the equity I have and get all of these things done.

OP, I'd give him a deadline. It's probably only going to cost more the longer your wait.


Lisa =^..^=

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mebarnet
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Posted: 2/11/2013 9:05:24 PM
My boyfriend is the same way, it drives me nuts. I'll ask a few times and then I'll tell him my brother is coming over to do it. That usually gets him motivated!

I wouldn't wait a year though, maybe a month and by then, I've generally had it. I am pretty handy myself so when it is something even I can't do, it irritates me until it gets done.

I would discuss a deadline also, get him to agree to something and see how it goes from there.


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MonkeysInk
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Posted: 2/12/2013 8:37:01 AM
My husband is very handy and once he gets starter, will usually finish the task. That said, there are several unfinished things around here he keeps swearing he'll spans about to hire out.

He's never angry with me when I hire someone (in fact, he's usually quite pleased), so I need to so it more. I wish I could find a handyman to have to call when I need a few things done.


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