UPDATE IN OP***********WDTPT? Should I give help with medical expenses?

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Posted 2/11/2013 by susans sister in NSBR Board
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susans sister
PeaFixture

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Posted: 2/11/2013 1:48:57 PM
As I posted about before, my 43 year old step daughter is pregnant with her 3rd child. she has two teenagers and no medical insurance. she and her husband both work part time jobs, so no benefits. They are not eligable for Medcaid and were told theDr and hospital bills will be $10,000.00. I could pay these bills for them, but I've hears many times that adults should not be bailed out by parents and learn to stand on their own two feet. I'm sure these bills will put a strain on the marriage which has in the past resulted in her DH leaving her. What to do?

UPDATE; It doesn't matter anymore. I went with her to the Doctor today and found out she has had a miscarriage. I am heartbroken.

JustCallMeMommy
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Posted: 2/11/2013 1:53:15 PM

Are they responsible in general? Since there is a baby involved, I would help if I was able. If they aren't responsible though, I would give the money directly to the hospital/doctor instead of directly to them.


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Luvspaper
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Posted: 2/11/2013 1:54:58 PM
Why don't they work fulltime? Did they prior to the pregnancy? Do either of the teenagers have jobs?

At 43, I would not expect a parent to bail me out of any large expense. If you can and want to help with a gift, then do that. But I suspect if you do, you will get hit with other requests in the future.

pahina722
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Posted: 2/11/2013 1:56:21 PM
In this situation (sounds like an "oops" baby in a shaky marriage), I'd suggest that they put the child up for adoption . . . and find an adoptive family willing to pay their medical expenses.

But then I can't imagine getting pregnant at 43 without having any medical coverage. Surely, they know what causes pregnancy if they already have two teens!


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Pridemom
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Posted: 2/11/2013 1:57:22 PM
I think it's very generous of you to consider it. You're not enabling irresponsibility, but wanting to make sure medical care is provided.




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busypea
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Posted: 2/11/2013 2:04:12 PM
Many hospitals have programs to assist with bills in situations like these. I'd encourage them to start there.

Likewise, many doctors will negotiate/discount when there is financial hardship and no insurance.

If they try those and the bills are still more than they can afford, and you do decide to help, be sure you pay the providers directly rather than giving it to them first.

susans sister
PeaFixture

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Posted: 2/11/2013 2:05:16 PM
Pridemom, That is what I worry about. Enabling the irresponsibility of her DH. He is a potter who sells his wares on the internet and at craft shows during the summer. He has in the past pressured DD to get a full time job, but he is not willing to do so. Both are college graduates.

eebud
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Posted: 2/11/2013 2:06:22 PM

she and her husband both work part time jobs, so no benefits.

Are they both working multiple part time jobs or does each work one part time job? If they only work part time, why?

Whether or not I would help would depend on how responsible they were. Is this just a rough patch or is it their normal way of living?

There are some people that I would have no issue helping and others that I will not "help" because I don't think it is a "helping" to bail out irresponsible people. I can really be a hardnose about this. DH is probably a bigger hardnose than I am......probably because he has lived on his own and 100% supported himself since before he turned 17. The last time he had help is when his mother and stepfather paid the first months rent on his first apartment. I believe this was the summer before he turned 17.





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susans sister
PeaFixture

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Posted: 2/11/2013 2:08:13 PM
DD works two part time jobs. Her DH is self employed, works from home.

eebud
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Posted: 2/11/2013 2:09:08 PM

He is a potter who sells his wares on the internet and at craft shows during the summer. He has in the past pressured DD to get a full time job, but he is not willing to do so. Both are college graduates.

Based on this information, No, I would not help. They can get jobs and earn the money themselves but they make the choice not to.





Hans on left, Bud in middle, Gretchen on right

SDeven
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Posted: 2/11/2013 2:21:08 PM
If your son-in-law chooses not to man up and deal with this financial crisis head on in an appropriate manner (ie getting a job that pays more, even if it's unpleasant and non-artistic for a season)...if he leaves, as you indicated he might, then I would probably be inclined to help my daughter.

Step back and see what he does first. Give him the opportunity to be the hero. If he chooses not to be...that's on him.

Have your daughter negotiate a settlement with the hospital.







Luvnlifelady
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Posted: 2/11/2013 2:27:31 PM
I would help with the medical bills directly as others have stated.

I would also suggest placing the child for adoption. If their situation doesn't seem like it's going to change anytime soon, how do they plan to have medical coverage for this child (or the other ones)?

Many people work jobs that are not ideal to provide for their family. Your SIL needs to also. He can sell pottery on the side.



Miss Lerins Momma
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Posted: 2/11/2013 2:28:59 PM
I would not pay the bill for them. Why do they both only work part time?


He is a potter who sells his wares on the internet and at craft shows during the summer. He has in the past pressured DD to get a full time job, but he is not willing to do so. Both are college graduates.



Sounds like these are just poor life choices they've made. I wouldn't pay this bill for them. They can make payments to the hospital, or get her on some type of medical card if she's pregnant with low income to help pay for it.

I'd save the money in case they need it for something bigger down the road, like to help them save their home, or something... not bail them out on a medical bill. If all else fails, they can file bankruptcy on the medical bills, can't they? Not the responsible way out, but sounds like they aren't the pillars of responsibility.








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giatocj
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Posted: 2/11/2013 2:31:39 PM


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He is a potter who sells his wares on the internet and at craft shows during the summer. He has in the past pressured DD to get a full time job, but he is not willing to do so. Both are college graduates.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Based on this information, No, I would not help. They can get jobs and earn the money themselves but they make the choice not to.




I agree with this completely. If they keep making babies, they need grow up and be responsible parents...starting with paying their own hospital bills.

IleneTell
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Posted: 2/11/2013 2:36:52 PM
I agree with the others. There's nothing stopping him from getting a real job and paying his own bills himself.



finally~a~mama
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Posted: 2/11/2013 2:46:37 PM
I have heard that the guidelines for medicaid/medicare (sorry, never can remember which one is which) for pregnant women are different than guidelines for other people. Has she checked into programs specifically for pregnant women?

I like SDeven's idea of waiting on paying the bill to see if her DH steps up. Maybe he'll surprise you.




susans sister
PeaFixture

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Posted: 2/11/2013 2:57:40 PM
They do not qualify for Medicaid which surprised me.

FLCindy
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Posted: 2/11/2013 3:23:00 PM
No, I wouldn't pay anything. It's their responsibility. He needs to man up and get a full time paying job. If the baby is going to cause a problem in the marriage, then she'll have to decide what she is or is not going to do about the marriage. If you pay the bill, they'll think you have more money to give which won't motivate them to work on full time employment and/or the marriage.



Annabella
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Posted: 2/11/2013 3:29:50 PM
He has 8 months to find a full time job, anywhere, to get benefits or else he can go in debt. His choice. It won't affect his online selling which he can do after hours.




kellybelly77
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Posted: 2/11/2013 3:31:54 PM

They do not qualify for Medicaid which surprised me.


In Kansas we have Medicaid, but we also have a program called HealthWave which is for children and pregnant women. The requirements are still income based but they are looser. My sister was married when she got pregnant but didnt have health insurance. BIL worked fulltime and sister worked almost fulltime, like 35 hours per week and she still qualified for HealthWave for her pregnancy and for 6 weeks after the birth. Does your state have anything like that?

Also I just had a baby a few weeks ago and between all pregnancy care and then labor and delivery the cost so far is about $18,000. I dont have to pay anything near that (and I doubt my insurance co will either) but it may be more expensive than you think.

And no, I wouldnt help her out either.


Kelly

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Posted: 2/11/2013 3:34:43 PM
You basically have to have NOTHING to qualify for medicaid... no more than $1,500 in the bank, etc. i can't remember the other qualifications, but if you have anything at all, it basically keeps you from qualifying.

no, i would not bail them out. you would be enabling the situation and encouraging them to continue the way they are going, with part time jobs, etc.





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moveablefeast
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Posted: 2/11/2013 3:37:12 PM
I am not willing to categorically say that adults should never be bailed out by their parents. Sometimes people need help, and sometimes it's by their own doing. Those with the ability to help have to decide when and how much is appropriate.

I think this is a difficult situation and would be unlikely to write a $10k check. I might help with some, or with baby things, or help find resources. A local crisis pregnancy center may have some answers, and usually the hospitals have resources to help those without the means to pay for needed care.

The thing is that babies don't ask to be born, nor to be born into their own circumstance. So I am reluctant to punish babies and children for their parents' irresponsibility.

gavinsmom
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Posted: 2/11/2013 3:47:21 PM
Why is it going to cost so much for medical care. A healthy uncomplicated delivery is about 3-4,000. Basic prenatal care is about 1500....

I think they should figure it out themselves. Maybe you could help them A LITTLE after the fact but don't let them count on you to take care of their oops!


Nicole

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Posted: 2/11/2013 3:52:13 PM
State health care Medicare is based on their savings and their yearly earnings, so even if they are working part time, but are below the income limits they should qualify for medicare, especially for prenatal care. They'd have to be making a good bit not to qualify. If he does leave she and the children should qualify.


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Posted: 2/11/2013 4:05:00 PM
I'm almost 34, and I think my mother would laugh in my face if I asked for any monetary help, much less for a pregnancy. I just can't fathom being that age and needing to ask my parents for money. and if that "strain" would cause her lovely dh to leave her, I say let him leave. he's obviously not worth holding onto.

redboots
BucketHead

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Posted: 2/11/2013 4:18:52 PM

Why is it going to cost so much for medical care. A healthy uncomplicated delivery is about 3-4,000. Basic prenatal care is about 1500....

I think they should figure it out themselves. Maybe you could help them A LITTLE after the fact but don't let them count on you to take care of their oops!


This information is totally incorrect and dependent on many factors, one of the biggest being geography.

It would be tough, but I don't think I'd continue to enable my daughter and son-in-law's poor choices by providing financial assistance.

busypea
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Posted: 2/11/2013 4:25:36 PM
At her age, she is considered a high risk pregnancy.

As the grandmother of the unborn baby, I would be more concerned with ensuring that the mom gets proper prenatal care to minimize the chance of complications than I would be about enabling their continuing bad choices.

IMO, this is different than paying off debt for them or a number of other things that are definitely enabling their bad financial choices. Yes, this was a bad choice given their situation, but the consequences are potentially much more serious than just a bad credit score, bankruptcy, etc..

There is literally a life on the line. I would first help by researching resources, etc. but if that didn't pan out, I would help to some degree to help my grandchild be born healthy and safely.

susans sister
PeaFixture

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Posted: 2/11/2013 4:30:10 PM
Just to be clear, they did not ask for help, they never have. But I have volunteered it many times in the past. I buy all the teengaers clothes and school supplies and pay for their braces.

susans sister
PeaFixture

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Posted: 2/11/2013 4:34:05 PM
Busypea, Yes that is what I am thinking. I am so worried about both Mom and baby. There is a risk of an abnormal child also, given the age of the Mother. They are Catholic and will not have an abortion under any circumstances.

redboots
BucketHead

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Posted: 2/11/2013 4:44:12 PM
I can understand your desire to help your grandchildren, and I commend you for doing so.

I live in CA and there are many programs that are available to help pregnant women receive the prenatal care they need, some of which are even available to married and self-employed women. You should help your daughter investigate all of her options in this sense before writing a check, but if no help is truly available, I'd be sure to pay the providers directly.

How sad that your daughter and her husband think more of their lifestyle than of providing a stable lifestyle to their children. They are all very lucky you're in the picture and able to help.

redboots
BucketHead

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Posted: 2/11/2013 4:44:28 PM
I can understand your desire to help your grandchildren, and I commend you for doing so.

I live in CA and there are many programs that are available to help pregnant women receive the care they need, some of which are even available to married and self-employed women. You should help your daughter investigate all of her options in this sense before writing a check, but if no help is truly available, I'd be sure to pay the providers directly.

How sad that your daughter and her husband think more of their lifestyle than of providing a stable lifestyle to their children. They are all very lucky you're in the picture and able to help.

RockyMtnPea
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Posted: 2/11/2013 4:48:20 PM
Susans Sister: You used the word abnormal child. I think I know what you mean but your use of words was poor. (not being snarky) And for the record any mother at any age can have a child with disabilities.

Am I understandig correctly that your Step Daughter would not receive any medical/prenatal care since she is uninsured? Is that a regional thing? Because in this area she would receive care even if she can not pay for.


gavinsmom
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Posted: 2/11/2013 4:54:39 PM
maybe my numbers are off but 10,000 still seems way high unless she has complications....


Nicole

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Posted: 2/11/2013 4:59:05 PM
Maybe the "family" doesn't qualify for Medicaid, but, she should apply for Medicaid for herself and her unborn child. Medicaid for Pregnant Women is under different guidelines - as in not a "poverty" based program. There are also several ways to qualify under Pregnant Women. She should check out her State's website and look at the guidelines and the qualifications or at the very least, make an application for Medicaid and have the various eligibility factors explained to her.


twinks
PeaNut

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Posted: 2/11/2013 4:59:21 PM
Maybe the "family" doesn't qualify for Medicaid, but, she should apply for Medicaid for herself and her unborn child. Medicaid for Pregnant Women is under different guidelines - as in not a "poverty" based program. There are also several ways to qualify under Pregnant Women. She should check out her State's website and look at the guidelines and the qualifications or at the very least, make an application for Medicaid and have the various eligibility factors explained to her.


twinks
PeaNut

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Posted: 2/11/2013 4:59:37 PM
Maybe the "family" doesn't qualify for Medicaid, but, she should apply for Medicaid for herself and her unborn child. Medicaid for Pregnant Women is under different guidelines - as in not a "poverty" based program. There are also several ways to qualify under Pregnant Women. She should check out her State's website and look at the guidelines and the qualifications or at the very least, make an application for Medicaid and have the various eligibility factors explained to her.


twinks
PeaNut

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Posted: 2/11/2013 4:59:46 PM
Maybe the "family" doesn't qualify for Medicaid, but, she should apply for Medicaid for herself and her unborn child. Medicaid for Pregnant Women is under different guidelines - as in not a "poverty" based program. There are also several ways to qualify under Pregnant Women. She should check out her State's website and look at the guidelines and the qualifications or at the very least, make an application for Medicaid and have the various eligibility factors explained to her.


twinks
PeaNut

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Posted: 2/11/2013 5:00:02 PM
Maybe the "family" doesn't qualify for Medicaid, but, she should apply for Medicaid for herself and her unborn child. Medicaid for Pregnant Women is under different guidelines - as in not a "poverty" based program. There are also several ways to qualify under Pregnant Women. She should check out her State's website and look at the guidelines and the qualifications or at the very least, make an application for Medicaid and have the various eligibility factors explained to her.


susans sister
PeaFixture

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Posted: 2/11/2013 5:01:25 PM
The teen agers are both of their children they have been married 17 years. When the first two were born, the DH had good jobs with benifits. There is a program in NC that insures children of low income parents and both of the kids are on this program now. About 13 years ago, DD insisted that the family move back to this area so she could have family around her. she had very bad post partum depression. Her DH didn't want to move here, but did it anyway. Since that time he has not worked full time.

redboots
BucketHead

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Posted: 2/11/2013 5:01:41 PM

maybe my numbers are off but 10,000 still seems way high unless she has complications....


What are you basing your opinion on?

In 2008, the Brookings Institute estimated that the cost of an uncomplicated delivery in the US was anywhere from $7,000 to over $10,000. I would assume the cost has gone up in the 5 years since this study was performed.

Brookings Institute Data

The fact that the mother in this case is 43 means that this is not considered an uncomplicated pregnancy medically, and her potential costs are much higher.

susans sister
PeaFixture

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Posted: 2/11/2013 5:01:41 PM
The teen agers are both of their children they have been married 17 years. When the first two were born, the DH had good jobs with benifits. There is a program in NC that insures children of low income parents and both of the kids are on this program now. About 13 years ago, DD insisted that the family move back to this area so she could have family around her. she had very bad post partum depression. Her DH didn't want to move here, but did it anyway. Since that time he has not worked full time.

Maryland
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Posted: 2/11/2013 5:04:17 PM
It is their responsibility. If they recently lost a job and don't have insurance, could they get cobra? They should probably start looking for something with insurance. That is a lot of money for you to give them. They do sound old enough to stand on their own feet.

Maybe they could look into insurance options. I know it is very hard to find insurance sometimes. We had that problem recently when my husband started working for a foreign company. We would not have tried to get pregnant at that time because we knew the costs would be too much. I hope they figure out something. I didn't see your other post, so I apologize if I don't make sense. I may not have all the details about the situation with the lack of insurance.



susans sister
PeaFixture

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Posted: 2/11/2013 5:04:41 PM
When she made her first appointment for an exam and told them she was self pay, she was told that it would be around $10,000.00. That included 3 ultra sound tests and hospital bills. That is what we are going on.

busypea
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Posted: 2/11/2013 5:05:27 PM
Are they also in NC?

Here is info on Medicaid for pregnant women

Medicaid for Pregnant Women
Medicaid for Pregnant Women only covers services related to pregnancy:

â– Prenatal care, delivery and 60 days postpartum care
â– Services to treat medical conditions which may complicate the pregnancy (some services require prior approval)
â– Childbirth classes
â– Family planning services
A pregnant woman may apply for this program before or after she delivers. A woman who has experienced a recent pregnancy loss may also be eligible.

The monthly family income cannot exceed 185% of the federal poverty level. There is no limit on resources. If a pregnant woman is covered by Medicaid on the date she delivers, her newborn child may be eligible for Medicaid up to age 1 without a separate application.

Your monthly countable income cannot be more than the amounts listed below.


Monthly Family Income Limits: Medicaid for Pregnant Women (Effective April 2011) Family Size Monthly Income Limit
2 $2,333
3 $2,944
4 $3,554
(An unborn child is always counted in the family size.)

If you think you may be eligible, see "How to Apply."



link


susans sister
PeaFixture

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Posted: 2/11/2013 5:07:44 PM
Rocky mnt Pea, you are right, it was a poor choice of words. I just did not know how to word it.

redboots
BucketHead

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Posted: 2/11/2013 5:07:47 PM
It sounds like neither your daughter or son-in-law understand that adulthood, and parenthood often involve choosing your family's well-being over your own selfish desires. Your daughter insisted on having her husband leave a well-paying job with good benefits and used post-partum depression as an excuse for doing so. Your son-in-law is now punishing her (and his children) for forcing this move by refusing to become gainfully employed.

They're both childish, and I suspect you've probably enabled them both for quite some time. The more you post, the less sympathy I feel for any of you.

You'll clean up their messes for as long as you can financially afford to do so, and they'll allow you to.

susans sister
PeaFixture

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Posted: 2/11/2013 5:08:00 PM
Rocky mnt Pea, you are right, it was a poor choice of words. I just did not know how to word it.

susans sister
PeaFixture

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Posted: 2/11/2013 5:15:20 PM
Busy pea, they are now a family of five and I am very surprised that they did not qualify for medicaid. They looked up the guidlines and surmised that they do not qualify. DD has so much trouble with pregnancy that she will probably not be able to work for much longer, so I am going to encourage them to apply anyway.

doesitmatter?
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Posted: 2/11/2013 11:08:36 PM
I would help if I could.


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Posted: 2/11/2013 11:36:08 PM
I would wait,not promise anything and see how it goes. The bills may be more, the bills may be less. The hubby may be able to pay some of it, other things may happen. Just wait until it is all said and done, baby born and see where things stand. They may bet some special help or loans that will relive the pressure, they may work a little harder to find help form state and local agencies and so on.

Though I would kinda keep a close eye on her to be sure she is doing what she should in regards to prenatal care and that she is taking care of herself. If she is worried hubby might leave over this, you may need to recommend counseling. Keeping a husband that would insist a wife with a high risk pregnancy wife go to work when he is not working full time is kinda sad.

THEN there is the fact that if he leaves she can hit him up with child support demands. So it really would not be in his best interest to leave.


Nancy Wilkins
DBA Scrappy Cats
My blog - http://scrappycats.com/blog/
My Pinterest - http://pinterest.com/nlwilkins/

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