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kerribell
BucketHead
PeaNut 14,478
April 2001
Posts: 655
Layouts: 0
 |  Posted: 2/15/2013 4:39:31 PM
I don't know that I necessarily want to share/post the details but I am looking for others who may have or currently are experiencing something similar to me. I have a daughter who is 25 and over the past 5-6 years she has progressively gone in a direction with her life that is completely different from us and really all family members. The type of lifestyle she has chosen is one that I believe most people would consider questionable and I just need someone to talk to about it. So much of it I really don't understand so I'm trying to gain understanding, but I also just don't even know what, if anything, I should do about trying to maintain a relationship with her. She's even gone so far as to legally change her name to more accurately reflect this new lifestyle. I just can't wrap my brain around any of it.
Any peas willing to chat with me about this? Thanks so much! |
Kerri Bell
wife to Chuck, hardworking IT guy!
mom to Cayla, Chase, Jonathan, Joshua & Christian
follower of Christ, wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend | |
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deragirl
PeaAddict
PeaNut 300,444
February 2007
Posts: 1,817
Layouts: 77
Loc: Montana
 | Posted: 2/15/2013 4:45:50 PM
I haven't been there done that at all, but I'd just say: "Hang In There Momma."
Obviously I would not advise allowing a child or anyone to abuse you, but that doesn't sound like what you are describing.
So, keeping the relationship open as far as it depends on you is something I think is sound parenting regardless of what the child is doing or not doing. You don't have to understand or approve of your child's behavior to love your child - think biting two year old to prove this to yourself. You can love the person and not the behavior and still show love. |
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scrappower
Allons-y Alonso
PeaNut 174,150
October 2004
Posts: 13,020
Layouts: 0
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batya
Making the WWW better, one post at a time.
PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
Posts: 31,850
Layouts: 24
Loc: up on my high horse
 | Posted: 2/15/2013 4:47:33 PM
You sound upset. I'm sorry.
As long as it isn't unsafe or illegal, I would say hang back and don't pass judgment. It's hard to say without knowing more, but I think you are prudent not to post the details publicly.
I'm not sure what you mean by lifestyle. If it's gay/bi/trans. Then that should not present a problem in my opinion. If by name change, you mean she feels male but was born female, I don't see it as a problem, but a huge struggle for her and something her family should be supporting. The incidence of suicide is terribly high for this population.
If it is different religiously, I can see that as off-putting and sometimes divisive depending on whether it is your religion that encourages separation or her new one. If it is a cult, that puts it in unsafe territory, to me.
I hope you can figure out what you need to. |
OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.
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gar
Whoopea!
PeaNut 172,235
October 2004
Posts: 12,504
Layouts: 0
Loc: England UK
| Posted: 2/15/2013 4:52:55 PM
I haven't BTDT either but I'm sure it's very hard. I guess my thoughts would vary depending on what her lifestyle choice entails. . . . different religion or drugs and crime? Does she need your support or some tough love?
It's very hard to know what to say without knowing anything very much.
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"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
Stephen Roberts
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kerribell
BucketHead
PeaNut 14,478
April 2001
Posts: 655
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/15/2013 4:54:02 PM
Let's see if I can share this without saying too much 
It is religious/cultish in my opinion...the name she has chosen for herself means "dark demonic fairy"...we are Christians and she always professed to believe in God until about 5 years ago.
It is also sexual...and I'm not sure if it's legal; but it's certainly dark and done "underground" and not mainstream. She describes it as a "career path"...but she and her husband have both changed their names and pretty much cut all ties with family and friends from their "previous" lives.
Does that help at all? |
Kerri Bell
wife to Chuck, hardworking IT guy!
mom to Cayla, Chase, Jonathan, Joshua & Christian
follower of Christ, wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend | |
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batya
Making the WWW better, one post at a time.
PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
Posts: 31,850
Layouts: 24
Loc: up on my high horse
| Posted: 2/15/2013 5:02:57 PM
Ah. That would upset me. Nothing you can do about it. I would not cut off from her. My love for my children is unconditional. If they aren't hurting anyone else and everything is consensual, I don't think I could turn my back on her and pass judgment. We raise them best we can. We are given a certain amount of time to instill our values, educate them. Then they are adults. I would always be open to reconciling with her.
She may think that you don't want anything to do with her b/c of your Christianity not accepting her as she is. There is nothing barring crime/drugs that would keep me from being in touch with my child. Not beliefs/career. I know I'm not in your shoes, but I would leave the door open.
I understand this isn't easy for you and I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. But if that was my child? I would let her know I love her and her choices do not change that. She may have cut off b/c of her upbringing, knowing you would not accept it. Accepting and loving does not mean approval. But as an adult, she doesn't need your approval.
I have raised my children with particular values, but also with a wide range of acceptance and live and let live mentality. If that wasn't part of her upbringing, she may have separated in order to live her life without guilt or interference. If she gets the message that it won't be a problem, you may have another chance with her. If you know in your heart it will be a problem, it may be best to give her the space she wants. |
OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.
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Peabay
Happy now?
PeaNut 156,993
July 2004
Posts: 44,683
Layouts: 13
Loc: Connecticut
| Posted: 2/15/2013 5:03:35 PM
Oh, Kerribell, that would make me worry too. I'm so sorry. |
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gar
Whoopea!
PeaNut 172,235
October 2004
Posts: 12,504
Layouts: 0
Loc: England UK
| Posted: 2/15/2013 5:08:12 PM
I would certainly worry too, but she is an adult and presumably has chosen this of her own free will so
Unfortunately there probably isn't much you can do except keep the lines of communication open as much as you possibly can.
Good luck, I hope you can get some peace of mind even if you don't agree with her choices.
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"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
Stephen Roberts
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batya
Making the WWW better, one post at a time.
PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
Posts: 31,850
Layouts: 24
Loc: up on my high horse
| Posted: 2/15/2013 5:08:32 PM
It would make me worry. A lot. But I would worry less if I was still in her life, connected, than if we were totally disconnected. And she has to have a safe place to land if this life does not work out for her and she decides to live mainstream again. She has to know she can come back. If she is cut off from you too long and feels that she rejected you or you no longer accept her, she won't have that.
Is she open to communication with you or anyone in the family? Is there a sibling or aunt or someone with whom she will correspond? I say keep the connection with her any way you can. Let her know it's ok. She is who she is and you are family. That will never change. But only if it's the truth and you mean it. |
OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.
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CountryHam
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 335,105
August 2007
Posts: 2,879
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 2/15/2013 5:52:34 PM
What a place to be in.
You also have to be very very careful
about letting demonic forces into your home. | |
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kerribell
BucketHead
PeaNut 14,478
April 2001
Posts: 655
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/15/2013 6:09:06 PM
I am totally open to maintaining a relationship with her...although it has been very difficult and tense between use for a couple of years. She actually started calling me by my first name and we've talked/communicated very little over the last year. Honestly...I have no idea what to talk to her about or say to her. Here's the thing...in an attempt to not give her advice or share my opinion (because that always offended her and she would tell me I was judging her), when she would call, I would listen and not have really much to say. That upset her because I wasn't "rejoicing" with her in the things that made her happy. I feel like I can't win for losing...either I'm judging her by sharing what I believe and my morals (which she knows very well; they have not changed, she has) or I'm not supporting her because I'm not telling her how happy I am for her. I don't know how to talk to her. And it all seems surreal and weird...I feel like I'm watching an episode of Law & Order or Criminal Minds or something....you know,being exposed to lifestyles that you only see on TV. I don't know if that makes any sense. All that being said, I had thought about sending her a card every couple of weeks, just letting her know what's going on with us, what her brothers are doing, etc. and just letting her know I love her and want to be in a relationship with her. Do you guys think that's a good starting point?
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Kerri Bell
wife to Chuck, hardworking IT guy!
mom to Cayla, Chase, Jonathan, Joshua & Christian
follower of Christ, wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend | |
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flanz
AncestralPea
PeaNut 211,902
June 2005
Posts: 4,638
Layouts: 2
 | Posted: 2/15/2013 6:11:16 PM
I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be very difficult.
As is often the case, I agree completely with Batya's advice. | |
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batya
Making the WWW better, one post at a time.
PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
Posts: 31,850
Layouts: 24
Loc: up on my high horse
| Posted: 2/15/2013 6:15:43 PM
You make sense. It does sound difficult. She doesn't want you to just accept. She wants you to approve and be a part of it. I do think it's a lot to ask of you. Regardless of the morals, religion, anything. In general, I think she is living an alternative lifestyle and almost any parent would be concerned and there's a big difference between accepting her and embracing it.
I'm not sure what to say. I think keeping in touch is key but how on earth can you relate? What does she want you to say? Wow. That's cool? And if you did, she'd know you didn't mean it.
I think it would be fruitful for you to speak to a psychologist who deals in cults (not saying this is one) and alternative lifestyles. Not a Christian counselor b/c you may be encouraged to turn your back on her or proselytize to her. You need someone who will help you to relate to her without compromising your own self. Not an easy task. You sound like you're trying. |
OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.
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mytwoandras
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 204,991
May 2005
Posts: 2,907
Layouts: 95
Loc: New Jersey
| Posted: 2/15/2013 6:19:27 PM
I always keep in contact with my adult child. I worry if I don't hear anything and I can't imagine how much more I would worry if I didn't have any contact. That doesn't mean that I always support what is going on, it means that I love them and want to know that they are safe and doing ok.
Problems with our kids are scary no matter how old they are. Know that you are not alone. I hope you can find someone to talk to that can help you to talk through this issue and see if there is anything that you can do.
Keeping contact with your daughter also means that if she needs you and ever wants help she may come to you. |
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mytwoandras
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 204,991
May 2005
Posts: 2,907
Layouts: 95
Loc: New Jersey
| Posted: 2/15/2013 6:26:51 PM
I just read everything and I agree with batya. Could have just copied and pasted |
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Burning Feather
I conceived but I can't see you
PeaNut 158,336
July 2004
Posts: 36,205
Layouts: 3
Loc: Ain't no black widow serial killer going to get between me and my man
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Tuva42
PeaFixture
PeaNut 41,763
July 2002
Posts: 3,557
Layouts: 17
Loc: Somewhere in the middle...
| Posted: 2/15/2013 6:52:15 PM
What a difficult position you are in. I'm so sorry. I think sending her a card now and then along the lines of "I know we don't agree on much, but I will always love you." I have a family member who pushed us all away many years ago when she became involved in a cult. She later left the cult and we are now very close. I'm glad I didn't cut her off completely. |
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ilovecookies
PeaAddict
PeaNut 506,197
April 2011
Posts: 1,998
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 2/15/2013 6:56:55 PM
I think it would be fruitful for you to speak to a psychologist who deals in cults (not saying this is one) and alternative lifestyles. Not a Christian counselor b/c you may be encouraged to turn your back on her or proselytize to her. You need someone who will help you to relate to her without compromising your own self. Not an easy task. You sound like you're trying.
This is excellent advice. | |
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GramaSue
PeaNut
PeaNut 57,202
November 2002
Posts: 199
Layouts: 34
Loc: Central Ontario, Canada
| Posted: 2/15/2013 7:01:27 PM
You only get one chance to raise your kids. It sounds like you and your DH did a great job and tried to instil your values, but kids grow up, and they are affected by so many other values, that sometimes, they decide for themselves that what they want is something else. No, we don't like it, but go back to the beginning, and remember that she is your child. One thing I told my daughter when she went through a "I don't believe in God" phase, is "That's okay, He still believes in you". It didn't mean anything to her at the time, but years later, she appreciates it. I'm not saying she totally did a reversal, but she is open to my beliefs and even once in a while, goes to church with me. And makes jokes about lightning hitting the church roof! I am grateful for any sign that she has retained the Christian values I taught her, no matter how small. Keep the communication between the two of you open. I think the thought of sending her a card and note every couple of weeks is a great idea. Don't set yourself up, though, by expecting a total turnaround. It probably won't happen, and it will only cause you more pain. Just know that you did your best to let her know that you love her, and hope that she will respond accordingly. I wish you all the luck in the world, because in many ways, I have BTDT! | |
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BarreP
PeaFixture
PeaNut 46,619
August 2002
Posts: 3,844
Layouts: 42
Loc: Stepford
| Posted: 2/15/2013 7:13:25 PM
In terms of improving communication, I find that asking the question "would you like me to just listen or to share my advice/ opinion?" can work wonders. ( Assuming that you are actually ABLE to listen without judging or telling your DD what to do!) If you are able just to listen, that can make it a lot easier of your DD wants to talk but doesn't want to be lectured. I use this question often with my kids and DH - it really helps when they want to just be heard! | |
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PennyPaws
PeaAddict
PeaNut 551,978
April 2012
Posts: 1,450
Layouts: 60
Loc: Canada
 | Posted: 2/15/2013 7:17:45 PM
I'm sorry you're going through this... It's so obvious that you love and care for her so much... And that you miss her... I hope my suggestions aren't ignorant or offensive to anyone, I'm brainstorming more than anything...
I did a Google of "support groups for families with children in cults" and a bunch of results came up... I don't know why they offer, or how valid or helpful it is, but perhaps it's a way to hear stories of others in similar situations... Maybe there will be an idea there that would be helpful for you... Other resources might be a therapist - I'm sure there are some that have dealt with the issue before, so ask about that... Perhaps your pastor/priest/etc can be of help, or if you don't feel comfortable disclosing the information, maybe ask at another church to speak with someone there... I respect batya, and agree with her answer, but would say that if you could find someone in your religion that could talk to you without encouraging you to break things off with her or preach to her... If they could understand that's not what you want, you have the benefit of having someone who can understand your beliefs and support you in them... I'd be worried about anyone wanting you to preach to her, just as much as someone who would press you to relax your own beliefs... Go by how you feel when you're talking to the person, the advice they offer, and the support they give you...
The only other thought that comes to mind is to read about or watch documentaries about other people who were former members of cults... It might help with understanding what the draw can be... I seem to remember a documentary about Jim Jones that mentioned a book his son wrote after he left the group... Even if it's not the same exact situation, maybe there's similarities... Not sure those are great ideas, but I hope there's something somewhere there that helps...
If words are difficult or you think they might be taken the wrong way, what about sending a comic you've clipped from the paper with a post-it saying "this made me laugh so hard I cried", and nothing else... Send a picture of a dream vacation or ridiculously expensive car with "when I strike it rich", an unfinished crossword puzzle or similar with "I'm stuck - your turn", a postcard with "just had the urge to send one"... She'll be able to tell you're thinking of her without you saying it...
Best of luck... |
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SueSume
AncestralPea
PeaNut 262,757
May 2006
Posts: 4,596
Layouts: 5
Loc: Big Bottom Valley
| Posted: 2/15/2013 7:18:25 PM
Bayta+"would you like me to just listen or to share my advice/ opinion?"+ I will always love YOU, ALWAYS.
(((hugs)) |
Sue Who? SueASume, SueSume, who cares?
Reality is made up of words.-Ferdinando Buscema
Words are hard.-Hannah Kelly
NSBR: "We're like a big damn disfunctional family. We'll beat the crap out of each other, and it's ok, but dammit, if an outsider turns on one of ours, we circle the wagons." -Free~Bird
Used with permission & with 9% royality fee paid annually. Starting next year. Honest | |
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ChildOfThe60s
Who has my six? Anyone??
PeaNut 3,009
February 2000
Posts: 16,477
Layouts: 27
Loc: the left side of the right coast
 | Posted: 2/15/2013 7:38:36 PM
You've received some amazing advice here that I don't think I can really add anything of value to, but I didn't want to read & run. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. My 22yo DD is what I call "sporadically estranged" (I'm pretty much only alive to her if she needs something), and that's a tough pill to swallow. I cannot imagine your anguish and I wish you peace of mind, which I suspect will come with time. |
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Georgiapea
Mom to the Wild Things.
PeaNut 96,783
July 2003
Posts: 26,435
Layouts: 0
Loc: Poss-a-Dillo Hill, Ozark, AL
 | Posted: 2/15/2013 8:33:49 PM
Would you feel ok about sharing which religion she has espoused? | |
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TeachOne
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 2,387
January 2000
Posts: 2,966
Layouts: 12
Loc: USA
| Posted: 2/15/2013 8:37:33 PM
I would be worried too but I would also stay in contact and keep the lines of communication open in a nonjudgmental way. If she decided to leave this group and/or hubby you want her to know that she can always trust and count on you. Did she join this group with hubby or was he in it too? What is his influence over her if you don't mind me asking? I always find that when people completely stray away from what they've always known but never questioned there is some powerful influence somewhere.
We are a Christian family but I have a cousin who we believe is in a religious group that is very cult like. One day out of the blue she asked everyone to come over to say goodbye because she was moving that night. They and other members of their church group moved far away without jobs or places to live because their church leader told them to do it. We try to stay in contact, though it's hard, just in case they or just her and the kids want to return.
ETA: Is she mature enough for you to say that you both don't see eye to eye on this subject so let's just steer clear of that conversation and talk about other stuff?
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TXDancermom
PeaFixture
PeaNut 146,748
May 2004
Posts: 3,670
Layouts: 1
| Posted: 2/15/2013 8:54:06 PM
I have adult children, but have not been there - but as some of the others have said, if it is not illegal, and they are not in physical danger, then all you can do is love them. unfortunately at that age, they think they know what is best and that they are right - but they have a lot to learn.
Let her know that you are there for her if she needs you. | |
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KatyLouWho
You Wanna Peas of Me?
PeaNut 249,656
February 2006
Posts: 4,987
Layouts: 94
Loc: New York
| Posted: 2/15/2013 9:02:35 PM
Batya,
You gave an amazing amount of GREAT advice in this thread.
As the sister of someone who has gone off the "family" tradition, I completely agree with your advice.
I am similar to the OP, although it's my brother who has stepped away. I do as she mentioned, I send him silly cards, and short letters, and I call him every once in a while. I don't want to spend too much time dwelling on our differences. I try to just love him like a brother. I have no desire to proselytize him, even though he is a minister in a well known cult.
Thank you for your input. It's helped me too. |
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HannahRuth
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 169,795
September 2004
Posts: 2,586
Layouts: 0
Loc: Adelaide, Australia
| Posted: 2/15/2013 9:30:36 PM
Batya,
You gave an amazing amount of GREAT advice in this thread.
that ^^^^
There has been some good advice given and I hope that some of it will help you with this most difficult situation.
Parenting is not easy but when our children become adults we have to let them life their own lives. I don't necessarily agree with some of the things that either of our children have pursued in life but as long as it is legal and not hurting anyone they need to make their own decisions. My children will always have the key to our front door. | |
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I-95
It's all just nonsense anyway!
PeaNut 97,456
July 2003
Posts: 19,577
Layouts: 0
Loc: California, NY & Orlando
| Posted: 2/15/2013 11:21:59 PM
I think the idea of sending a card, or note, every couple of weeks is a good idea. Our children might have different ideas from us, but if the relationship was fairly solid before she went off on this tangent, there's a good chance, somewhere inside her, she still wants to hear from mom.
I understand that she and her DH have changed their names, this is usually part of a cult's MO to separate them from their 'former' lives. Unfortunately cults usually try to separate their devotees from their 'other' family too. If she's still communicating with you, then she hasn't completely gone over to the dark side. Just try and keep the communication open.
Depending on the type of relationship you have/had with her, is there any chance she could handle a loving, but blunt conversation? Like... Honey, you know dad and I are devoted Christians, we will never be any different, we're too old to change and embrace a new set of ideals, but if you have found something that resonates with you and your DH, then we're happy for you. We may not understand, and we may wish you still belonged to the church, but if this is right for you, then we support your choices. (at this point, my mother would have added) If you ever feel it isn't working for you, you know your dad and I will be here for you.
I did a lot of things, growing up, over which I'm sure my mom was begging the good Lord for mercy. She never criticized my choices, although I could tell from the tone of her voice she wasn't exactly brimming with approval either, however, she ended every conversation with 'If you find that doesn't work, you know you can always come home'. That was the smartest thing she could ever have done because if she had been critical, or judgmental, I would NEVER have gone home. I always knew the door was open....and I have to say, the times things didn't work out, she never mentioned it. I'm so grateful for that.
Good luck. Being a parent is never easy, even when our kids are grown ups. | |
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*Delphinium Twinkle*
I'm just a pea:)
PeaNut 163,613
August 2004
Posts: 68,340
Layouts: 236
Loc: *Sunny Southern California*
| Posted: 2/15/2013 11:29:33 PM
One if my oldest friend's has a wonderful daughter that my daughter grew up with.
My friend is a very conservative Christian woman. Her family us the same.
Her daughter decided she is transgendered.
My friend is too embarrassed to tell any of us (her friends)
She doesn't know I know but our kids are friends and on Facebook together.
Of course I see the photos and what she writes.
It breaks my heart that she keeps it a secret even though its been years.
She doesn't even have that daughter come to parties she throws when all of our friends will be there and the parents of our you get kids friends.
Maybe she thinks they'll judge her
I don't know what's up with your child but I hope whatever it is you can accept and embrace.
Your child deserves to be loved no matter what.
Don't worry about what people think or anything.
Just love your child
Good luck |
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*Delphinium Twinkle*
I'm just a pea:)
PeaNut 163,613
August 2004
Posts: 68,340
Layouts: 236
Loc: *Sunny Southern California*
| Posted: 2/15/2013 11:36:35 PM
"Let's see if I can share this without saying too much
It is religious/cultish in my opinion...the name she has chosen for herself means "dark demonic fairy"...we are Christians and she always professed to believe in God until about 5 years ago.
It is also sexual...and I'm not sure if it's legal; but it's certainly dark and done "underground" and not mainstream. She describes it as a "career path"...but she and her husband have both changed their names and pretty much cut all ties with family and friends from their "previous" lives.
Does that help at all?"
Oooohhh, I see. I think I get it
That's heartbreaking.
Does she expect you to join her way of life?
If so, that's not fair of her.
Maybe get together with her and tell her you love her and can accept her lifestyle but font want to be part if that but you do want to be part of her life though.
Good luck |
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scrappower
Allons-y Alonso
PeaNut 174,150
October 2004
Posts: 13,020
Layouts: 0
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kerribell
BucketHead
PeaNut 14,478
April 2001
Posts: 655
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/16/2013 1:36:14 PM
Thanks for all the great, supportive and positive advice/thoughts. I know we all don't necessarily have the same beliefs. I am very thankful that no one came on here and slammed me for struggling with this, automatically assuming that we have "shunned" her for not believing the same things that we do. That is not the case at all. It's super hard, do not get me wrong, but we do love her and really, at the end of the day, I am genuinely worried about her.
Is she open to communication with you or anyone in the family?
She does call and text her dad quite often so that's good. She tells him all kinds of crazy stuff that a father shouldn't really have to hear from his daughter, BUT he listens and keeps the lines of communication open because he loves her and knows, like others have said, that hearing from her is the priority, even tho the stuff she chooses to share is so inappropriate.
Pennypaws
If words are difficult or you think they might be taken the wrong way, what about sending a comic you've clipped from the paper with a post-it saying "this made me laugh so hard I cried", and nothing else... Send a picture of a dream vacation or ridiculously expensive car with "when I strike it rich", an unfinished crossword puzzle or similar with "I'm stuck - your turn", a postcard with "just had the urge to send one"... She'll be able to tell you're thinking of her without you saying it...
I love this!!! Thanks for taking the time to post such great thoughts and ideas!
GeorgiaPea...
Would you feel ok about sharing which religion she has espoused?
I honestly don't know that it's a religion as much as it is an "underground" society. I honestly have no idea what it is...I just know that it's dark (based upon her name change and what it means) and not mainstream and has pretty strong sexual undertones.
TeachOne...
Is she mature enough for you to say that you both don't see eye to eye on this subject so let's just steer clear of that conversation and talk about other stuff?
That's one of my biggest struggles...I have no idea what to talk with her about. Everything she does, friends, job, etc. seems to be centered around her lifestyle change.
Does she expect you to join her way of life?
No, but she definitely expects us to embrace and celebrate it. I cannot...but truthfully, have no idea how to support her because I can't embrace and celebrate it.
Scrappower...
Just so you know not all "non-christian" religions are demonic or dark necessarily. I am Pagan and some might find my beliefs "evil", but they aren't in any way shape or form. Just because they aren't part of the majority doesn't make them cultish or "evil". So I would be careful with that assumption. I am NOT saying it isn't a cult, but jumping to conclusions isn't good either.
Thank you and I do know this...from all I understand and have found from my limited research (limited because of all the filth I have to sort thru and just can't handle most of it) it is dark, underground, and sexually perverted, at least in my opinion and I would think most people's.
Sorry this is long...I just wanted all of you to know that I read every response and truly do appreciate them. I have just been beyond heartbroken the last couple of days...just having a hard time shaking it!
Blessings, |
Kerri Bell
wife to Chuck, hardworking IT guy!
mom to Cayla, Chase, Jonathan, Joshua & Christian
follower of Christ, wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend | |
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mamastew
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 190,156
February 2005
Posts: 2,420
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| Posted: 2/16/2013 1:53:12 PM
No words of wisdom to add to what others have said. I just wanted to wish you well and hope things improve. | |
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CountryHam
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 335,105
August 2007
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| Posted: 2/16/2013 2:28:26 PM
Just because they aren't part of the majority doesn't make them cultish or "evil". So I would be careful with that assumption. I am NOT saying it isn't a cult, but jumping to conclusions isn't good either.
Scrappower this is from another post:
the name she has chosen for herself means "dark demonic fairy".
When someone changes their name to Dark Demonic Fairy I think it's a pretty safe conclusion/assumption the her daughter is involved in something on the evil and dark side of society. It certainly doesn't take my mind to sunshine and lollipops. | |
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renee_elp
BucketHead
PeaNut 310,935
April 2007
Posts: 892
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Loc: houston texas
| Posted: 2/17/2013 10:10:16 PM
I think sending a card every so often and giving friendly loving updates on the rest of the family is a good suggestion. Make sure you keep addresses and phone numbers updated, or don't change phone numbers she has memorized.
BTDT with wife of ex-husband, as their children (wife was custodial parent) were also involved, and the children were eventually picked up by the State and State contacted us to come to Court and claim them. She actually showed up and gave up her custody voluntarily, with someone from the group as her escort. Very obvious to everyone that she was under the influence of a cult.
The non-Christian-focused (regular civilian in other words) psychologist / psychiatrist who has experience with cults is going to be your best advisor to coming up with some scripts for you to follow when you actually talk to your daughter.
The trick with "dark" side cults is that she may be forced into illegal activities as part of her initiation or to keep her place in the group; you will want to understand the code or references for when you are talking to her to listen for key words that will tell you what is going on.
Sorry you're going through this ... you're showing you are a loving parent when you ask these questions and show that you are still willing to fight "the good fight" on behalf of your daughter.
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KittenOnTheKeys
PeaFixture
PeaNut 498,237
February 2011
Posts: 3,069
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Loc: SW
| Posted: 2/18/2013 6:59:48 AM
Not a Christian counselor b/c you may be encouraged to turn your back on her or proselytize to her.
A legitimate, licensed Christian counselor in a professional setting is NOT going to do this.  PASTORAL counseling may. A licensed facility is going to be NO different than a "secular" facility except for the fact that they UNDERSTAND your view. |
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katybee8
AncestralPea
PeaNut 421,136
April 2009
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Loc: Chicago NW burbs
 | Posted: 2/18/2013 7:39:50 AM
You said it was more of an underground society than a religion. Betcha anything it has a name.
There are a lot of sexual dark magic cults, so it could be any number of things.
Is it the OTO? Asking your daughter the name of it could help pinpoint her beliefs.
What language is her new name in? | |
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pelirroja
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 21,146
September 2001
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beanbuddymom
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 370,521
April 2008
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| Posted: 2/18/2013 8:14:16 AM
I would try to talk to law enforcement and a psychologist who specializes in that type of organization to find out what cult/group she is in and if it presents any danger - and if there is a group to help/support or to remove her from the group.
The cult like behavior of cutting you off from family is so common in cults but it sounds so awful - I would try to find out more information from law enforcement in the area and see if they can help shed some light - whether they are harmless or not, and they can possibly point you in the direction of other families going through the same issue. |
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Nanner
AncestralPea
PeaNut 32,283
March 2002
Posts: 4,848
Layouts: 0
Loc: Alberta
| Posted: 2/18/2013 10:28:57 AM
Good luck. I have adult children, but fortunately have not had to deal with something like this.
I also agree with everything Batya said. |
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Denda
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 341,917
October 2007
Posts: 5,047
Layouts: 1
Loc: Texas
| Posted: 2/18/2013 11:18:10 AM
I will keep your family in my prayers. |
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Shih Tzu Mommy
Million dollar camera, 10 dollar lock!
PeaNut 224,352
September 2005
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| Posted: 2/18/2013 11:47:04 AM
It is religious/cultish in my opinion...the name she has chosen for herself means "dark demonic fairy"...we are Christians and she always professed to believe in God until about 5 years ago.
It is also sexual...and I'm not sure if it's legal; but it's certainly dark and done "underground" and not mainstream. She describes it as a "career path"...but she and her husband have both changed their names and pretty much cut all ties with family and friends from their "previous" lives.
The only kind of sex that I would find to be illegal is that with children, animals or forcible rape. Otherwise, I think it is fair game out there in the world of the weird.
And there IS a lot of weird out there.
Personally, if I knew anyone, family member included, that was practicing any of those three forms of sex, I would report them to the authorities.
Beyond that though...if she is an adult and engaging in things you do not agree with, you have to determine what it is that you are able to live with/deal with and go from there. A
It sounds like they do not seek to have a relationship with you--do you seek to have a relationship with them? Or are you trying to figure out how to deal with the pain of her having gone off the rails of the life she was raised to live? I know that would hurt deeply, to have one of my boys cut ties with me and live a life I did not understand or approve of. I'd also be worried if I had much younger children about the impact the choices of their older sibling would have on them. Mine are just 3 years apart, but with as many as you have, I am guessing you have some impressionable younger kids at home.
Hugs to you, this sounds painful!
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benem
Yo, that's fifty dollars for a T-shirt.
PeaNut 526,154
October 2011
Posts: 5,563
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Loc: Illinois
| Posted: 2/18/2013 2:43:41 PM
This certainly dies sound off to me.
FTR I know tons of Pagans, Wiccans, Satanists, OTO members, Asatru, Heathens, you name it. It is common to take a new name to mark your path in the religion. It is very UNcommon to legally change your name to that name. Generally spiritual names are not public.
I don't have any advice for you, OP. When I moved away from Christianity into Goddess worship, Wicca, and then general Paganism, my mom was supportive. She has never had any problem at all with me exploring the spiritual realm. Of course, I keep most of the really "out there" stuff away from her. But I can say "witchcraft" around her and she doesn't even blink. |
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Fairlyoddparent
AncestralPea
PeaNut 71,090
February 2003
Posts: 4,759
Layouts: 11
Loc: Indiana
| Posted: 2/18/2013 2:55:07 PM
My heart aches for you. I know how hard it is to see your children make mistakes and choose paths that are opposite of what you taught them.
If words are difficult or you think they might be taken the wrong way, what about sending a comic you've clipped from the paper with a post-it saying "this made me laugh so hard I cried", and nothing else... Send a picture of a dream vacation or ridiculously expensive car with "when I strike it rich", an unfinished crossword puzzle or similar with "I'm stuck - your turn", a postcard with "just had the urge to send one"... She'll be able to tell you're thinking of her without you saying it...
I love this idea and am actually going to do it with my dd who lives far away. |
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theshyone
I'm Alive!
PeaNut 266,636
June 2006
Posts: 10,144
Layouts: 37
Loc: Alberta
| Posted: 2/18/2013 3:27:19 PM
So is she into snuff porn movies? I'd have issues with that. |
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Knotlazy
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 266,627
June 2006
Posts: 2,915
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| Posted: 2/18/2013 4:43:46 PM
I'm sorry you are dealing with this, OP. Just want to send you a hug....and I hope you and your DD can find a way to keep communication open. | |
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Mallie
BucketHead
PeaNut 574,604
December 2012
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| Posted: 2/18/2013 5:09:27 PM
I am so sorry you are going through this.
My grown dd has on occasion made choices I don't agree with and she was shocked when I did not express wonder and happiness at those choices. She told me later that her shock was largely due to surrounding herself with people who thought like she did and who egged her on to believe that if we loved her, we would be thrilled with every choice she made. Those people -- college roommates -- had been raised by parents, IMO, who had praised their kids every time they made a poop until they left home for college and had never heard a word of constructive criticism. So in their minds, anything short of awe and wonder at the latest bowel movement was proof of lack of love. It took a while for my dd to see the light and it was quite painful for us, not goiong to lie.
So I can imagine where if your dd has surrounded herself by people like that -- cult or no -- that it's hard for her to see the truth, that familiy does not have to be thrilled with every choice you make as proof of love. | |
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ukfan
PeaAddict
PeaNut 150,991
June 2004
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Loc: southeast
| Posted: 2/19/2013 8:01:40 AM
OP - I hope you are able to find a way to let your DD know that you are there for her - that works for both you and her. I like the idea of cards / letters sent with udpate here and there.
I am so impressed with your DH.
I can't imagine how torn you both must be right now.
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Jennifer
"give me chocolate...or I will cut you" | |
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