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sarahruby
PeaAddict
PeaNut 354,123
December 2007
Posts: 1,087
Layouts: 0
Loc: Hbg area, PA
 |  Posted: 2/16/2013 4:57:18 AM
I am one of those gals that could go without sex.
It bothers me....I am married. I am very lucky to have a patient DH, but it's not fair to him. I know it bothers him too.
After I put my DS2 down for the night, all I want to do is go to sleep.
How do you deal with a low sex drive?
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Darkangel090260
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 308,882
April 2007
Posts: 2,798
Layouts: 15
 | Posted: 2/16/2013 4:58:54 AM
When you find out let me know. |
| I have quite a few learing disabilitys that effect my spelling a grammer. I do know my grammer and spelling suck. I have been working on this problem all my adult life. | |
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justalittletike
AncestralPea
PeaNut 434,313
August 2009
Posts: 4,497
Layouts: 26
 | Posted: 2/16/2013 5:00:27 AM
Suck it up and pretend I want to do it for my marriage. I feel it is my duty as a wife whether I want to do it or not really.
He knows I don't like it. I just make the choice to do it. I can only procrastinate for so long and then have to give in.
I just don't enjoy it from past bad memories and I really want to. I just can't so I do the next best thing... Pretend |
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blondiek237
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 70,239
February 2003
Posts: 2,852
Layouts: 8
Loc: Massachusetts
 | Posted: 2/16/2013 6:06:05 AM
Me too | |
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ZUKE1
PeaFixture
PeaNut 40,037
June 2002
Posts: 3,510
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/16/2013 6:08:02 AM
You're not alone!!! |
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heartcat
International Association of Epic Length Posters
PeaNut 51,429
October 2002
Posts: 39,651
Layouts: 237
Loc: Where dreams come true
| Posted: 2/16/2013 6:10:13 AM
I think that if I was having this issue the first thing that I would do would be to consult my doctor for a physical and to discuss things, if you have not already done so.
You could have some medical issue that is making you tired and/or affecting your libido. It could be something as simple as a bit of anemia, and low iron, which a lot of women have. Or it could be something else. Or it might not be medically related at all. But I would go that route first. Especially if this is a newer thing for you, and you previously had a higher sex drive.
Some people's libido is affected by emotional causes as well. If you are under any stresses, or if there are issues in your relationship, that can have an impact. So I would give some thought to that as well in case it is not physical but emotional/psychological.
You might be trying to do too much and wearing yourself out physically. Could your dh possibly take on more evening chores around the house? Maybe he could see to getting your ds to bed while you relax, have a bath, read a magazine, pamper yourself, etc. Maybe you could leave the dusting/vacuuming/laundry, etc. some times and put your energy into your relationship and sex life (if that might be a cause).
If you are bored with 'routine' and the thought of sex just doesn't seem that enticing, maybe you could try spicing things up a bit, that might encourage your interest.
My first step would be to see my doctor though. And then go from there.
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Continuing to learn about dSLR photography!
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Luvmygirls
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 77,965
March 2003
Posts: 2,177
Layouts: 5
Loc: Middle of USA
| Posted: 2/16/2013 7:13:19 AM
I'm in the same boat. Luckily my husband is too. We find other ways to be intimate. However when we do have sex it's awesome. It's just not as often as others. |
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KristinL16
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 142,870
April 2004
Posts: 12,258
Layouts: 102
Loc: MN
 | Posted: 2/16/2013 10:17:32 AM
I have had low sex drive for years. I would venture to say that it has been since I went off birth control pills 14 years ago. Things have gone downhill since then. I think my naturally low libido is compounded by boredom with sex. DH seems to have a hard time with certain aspects of sex these days and it takes a loooong time and in the same position (that does nothin for me). Then you add in the resentment and negative thoughts that I have about that and you have a big problem. I long for the days when I liked to have se and had a wanted to do it. I'm just not sure how to get there and without the desire, it is hard to get up the energy to do much about it. Last time I tried something different I was actually starting to get into it but the other problems started and I was left feeling frustrated and feeling like it was pointless. |
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KristinL16
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 142,870
April 2004
Posts: 12,258
Layouts: 102
Loc: MN
| Posted: 2/16/2013 10:18:19 AM
Oh, and I have talked to the dr about it several times with no suggestions. They just listen and say it is common when you have young kids. |
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SweetieBugs
PeaAddict
PeaNut 56,437
November 2002
Posts: 1,382
Layouts: 0
Loc: Northern California
| Posted: 2/16/2013 11:36:29 AM
KristinL16 just wrote everything I would have to the letter. I was definitely going to post that going to a doctor does very little to solve this problem. Because I have other problems like insomnia and digestive issues, they want to solve those and think it will help my sex drive. But it hasn't. I haven't had a good experience for over 15 years now.
It is hard because it makes my DH less desirable to me and I can't seem to find the desire again. | |
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ellymae!
PeaAddict
PeaNut 174,511
October 2004
Posts: 1,892
Layouts: 0
Loc: Neither here nor there.
 | Posted: 2/16/2013 11:38:03 AM
I don't want to sound like a broken record, but have you had your hormone levels checked? |
ellymae!
Threadkiller for hire - cheap. Results guaranteed in one post or less.
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flanz
AncestralPea
PeaNut 211,902
June 2005
Posts: 4,625
Layouts: 2
 | Posted: 2/16/2013 11:41:04 AM
I can relate as well. it does bother me and i want to get a healthy sex life back, but with a lot of physical challenges lately it is not anywhere near the top of my list at the m oment. But I WISH it was...
You are not alone. | |
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salt-of-the-earth
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 65,350
January 2003
Posts: 2,918
Layouts: 1
Loc: Florida
| Posted: 2/16/2013 11:49:32 AM
Sorry that this issue is something that bothers both you and your hubby. I wish you the best of luck finding the right answer for you, it's probably different for each person in some way with this issue. My marriage is fine in this area...if anything though, the same feelings can hit us because with our schedules being so different, we often don't go to bed at the same time, and when one of us is available for any type of couple time - even just hanging out together - the other is occupied with other responsibilities. It can be tough and the same feelings of not being connected can crop up. One thing that works for us is trying to always have something planned - a weekend trip, a night out or a day off together - to look forward to. And just talking to each other about missing each other and looking forward to our time together helps.
Also, not sure how old you two are, but I think it's natural as you get older for different sex drives or physical situations to hit either the husband or wife that requires some adjustments. Wishing you the best to find the right balance with your husband. |
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scrapper100
Budletsmom
PeaNut 65,877
January 2003
Posts: 12,551
Layouts: 30
Loc: So CA
| Posted: 2/16/2013 11:58:16 AM
Wow I am surprised so many have given up hope. I know I go through periods like this but to have completely given up is sad. It can be great. Have those that have problems ever tried any toys? I know I am not always in the mood but my DH will then say wouldn't you like an O and then it might start to sound a lot better. There are a lot of ways to achieve this even without se. I know when things are going well in the bedroom things seem to work better in other aspects as well. I have a bit more energy and I am happier - I know DH is to  .
I know I have talked to my Dr in the past and she wasn't much help but if it was something that was continuing I think I would find a new one. It is a bit different if you have bad past experiences but if you are just tired then I would think there would be a work around to that. Ask your DH to help a bit and then take a bit of time for yourself. I agree don't stress about the actual act but do other things for a while and work up to the main event. It is hard to turn it back on after a long time so don't expect it to happen over night. It may also involve a lot of talking with DH. Maybe go on a simple date with DH without the expectation of anything afterwards and just try a little bit of touching and talking and not about the kids. I know I always feel so much better about my DH after a simple date - it may just be a lunch without DS but it really makes a difference in our relationship. Relationships take work and I figure at some point DS will be grown and out of the house but I plan to still be married so I know I need to work on that relationship as a couple not just as a family.
I feel bad for those that pretend because I feel they are cheating themselves. I don't think I could do that - talking is hard but I would rather do that than feel frustrated and alone. I think it is worth the effort. Good luck I hope you find something that works for you and you can enjoy it again.
Oh and I understand that there will be times when you truly are too tired or stressed but hopefully those are just temporary. |
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Yubon
lunch is for wimps
PeaNut 261,669
May 2006
Posts: 13,004
Layouts: 0
Loc: Hotel for Cats
| Posted: 2/16/2013 12:03:35 PM
Women are somewhat lucky in that we can fake it our levels of arousal. Men cannot. You need to learn how to take one for the team. Lie there and take it. Pretend to like it. There's not much else that can help you. You either have a high sex drive or you fake it. The end. |
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MergeLeft
Typical Liberal
PeaNut 221,236
August 2005
Posts: 19,089
Layouts: 67
Loc: Houston
| Posted: 2/16/2013 12:18:08 PM
What is your DH doing to help
with those young kids in the evenings? I found when mine were younger that I needed some time and space to make the mental adjustment from mommy in the kitchen to wife in the bedroom. DH discovered the best way to get me in the mood was to handle the kids' bedtime himself so I could have a bath, relax, shave my legs, etc. and feel "sexy" again. Nothing kills the sex drive faster than spending your days nursing and changing diapers in your ratty clothes.
I don't agree with just doing it because you have to; I don't know a man out there who really wants pity sex. Maybe this is TMI, but have you tried revving yourself up a bit with toys or erotic stories or videos to get things rolling? Is your husband willing to try something new in the way of foreplay? Sometimes it takes a little something extra to get us girls in the mood. |
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bgpa
BucketHead
PeaNut 53,649
October 2002
Posts: 896
Layouts: 40
Loc: NorthCentral PA
| Posted: 2/16/2013 12:28:23 PM
Whoa!!!! Ladies!!! This is not the 1800's. Lie there and fake it?!?!?!?
If your family doctor won't help you, talk to you gynecologist. If he/she won't help you, look for another one. There are MANY factors that can cause a low libido AND there are lifestyle changes AND medications that can help you. |
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liya
BucketHead
PeaNut 311,281
April 2007
Posts: 555
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/16/2013 12:37:03 PM
I know this is not the answer you are looking for but getting divorced and having a new man love me has helped my libido immensely.
Good luck to you and your husband. | |
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benem
Yo, that's fifty dollars for a T-shirt.
PeaNut 526,154
October 2011
Posts: 5,524
Layouts: 0
Loc: Illinois
 | Posted: 2/16/2013 1:35:28 PM
Polyamory! |
"We are NSBR. We talk about E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.
Diva Cups Merkins Tub Girl Crock Pots Kitten Heels The Hoff HOF Obama Bush Kardashians Shopping Carts Shopping Trolleys Dead Aunt Cookies Trolls Not Trolls Garden Snakes Snails Stripper Poles with or with out Birds In-Laws Scoff-Laws Blogs Borg Paint Colors Dinner Books and Each Other"
--SueSume, 3/21/13
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benem
Yo, that's fifty dollars for a T-shirt.
PeaNut 526,154
October 2011
Posts: 5,524
Layouts: 0
Loc: Illinois
| Posted: 2/16/2013 1:44:40 PM
I have to say, going to the gym or getting some really good exercise in also helps. You gotta break a sweat, flush out all that stagnant energy pooling in your system. It primes the pump for me.
Why is it the sweatier and more disgusting I look, the randier I get? I don't know, it just works that way.
And I am serious about the polyamory. It's common in Paganism. The partner with higher sex drive tends to bring in another partner to add to their relationship. That doesn't mean the spouse is participating bc if you are hetero why would you want to? (I wouldn't.) I know many long time married couples who live each other and their families but sexually aren't always on the same page. The husband or wife then finds a paramour who can give the closeness and attention. they will then be friends with the spouse too.
I personally prefer monogamy but I dont know. If I was only having the sane sex with the same person for 15 or 20 years I might be willing to let someone else into our lives. |
"We are NSBR. We talk about E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.
Diva Cups Merkins Tub Girl Crock Pots Kitten Heels The Hoff HOF Obama Bush Kardashians Shopping Carts Shopping Trolleys Dead Aunt Cookies Trolls Not Trolls Garden Snakes Snails Stripper Poles with or with out Birds In-Laws Scoff-Laws Blogs Borg Paint Colors Dinner Books and Each Other"
--SueSume, 3/21/13
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PEArfect
AncestralPea
PeaNut 452,048
January 2010
Posts: 4,468
Layouts: 0
Loc: Indiana
| Posted: 2/16/2013 2:33:47 PM
I would refuse to just 'deal' with it. I enjoy sex, so I would try to figure out what was causing me to have a low sex drive.
Exercising? Eating healthier? Hormonal supplements? Date your husband? Different positions? Different times of the day? More help with domestic duties? More alone time? |
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**Angie**
Pea Who Should Be Cleaning!
PeaNut 145,006
May 2004
Posts: 10,836
Layouts: 91
Loc: at home in front of the computer
| Posted: 2/16/2013 2:37:31 PM
I'm with bgpa. Lying there and just doing it - I think it is too close to rape. You don't want it, you'd rather say "no", you're letting someone have sex with you because THEY want it.... I tried to just fake it for years. All it did was cause more problems for me, I was resentful and mad over the situation.
In my case, I found a good anti-depressant (thank you I95 for browbeating me into it a while ago, you probably don't even remember!). I could feel my interest starting to come back. Also, I like to stay up later than dh. So, I use that time after everyone has gone to bed to relax and clear my mind, have a nice cup of tea. Then, I go wake up dh.  |
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justalittletike
AncestralPea
PeaNut 434,313
August 2009
Posts: 4,497
Layouts: 26
| Posted: 2/16/2013 2:45:39 PM
Rape- definitely not. Trust me it feels no where near the same.
It is more like a favor. It isn't like you are fighting for your life. It more you are just doing it for your parter. I hate doing lots of things but I do them. It doesn't mean it is not tolerable it just isn't the time of your life. |
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KristinL16
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 142,870
April 2004
Posts: 12,258
Layouts: 102
Loc: MN
| Posted: 2/16/2013 3:22:29 PM
In my case, I have had several OB/Gyn over the years (make and female) and none of them have suggested any tests or treatments. They just give you a look and move on to a different topic. I have an appointment in april with someone new and will ask to have my hormones checked. I may also ask for a trial of birth control pills to see if hat makes a difference (even though I have my tubes tied).
I truly feel like this is an issue that you can't fully understand unless you have been there. It is very complicated, with physical, emotional, psychological and relationship factors at play. Also, when you truly have NO desire it is difficult to have motivation and energy to do something that doesn't sound fun to you, even though you know you "should". We haven't even touched on the husband's response to this problem and how that usually makes things worse.... |
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Maite
There is no secret ingredient
PeaNut 50,756
October 2002
Posts: 24,881
Layouts: 418
Loc: NC
| Posted: 2/16/2013 4:01:40 PM
Have your hormones checked. A simple testosterone supplement could give you back your sex drive and also help with focus and stamina.
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Maite
A miracle is something that seems impossible but happens anyway.
my blog | |
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*Leslie*
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 33,199
March 2002
Posts: 8,103
Layouts: 15
Loc: Southern California
 | Posted: 2/16/2013 4:12:18 PM
There's good advice here. I was going to add if you're too tired at night maybe set the alarm to wake up a earlier for some morning sex. |
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justalittletike
AncestralPea
PeaNut 434,313
August 2009
Posts: 4,497
Layouts: 26
| Posted: 2/16/2013 4:20:09 PM
polyamory!!
This would not work for me BUT it is funny you say that. I know at least 3 people who have decided to introduce this in some form into their marriage recently.
I find it so strange but I guess it works for some people obviously.
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ellymae!
PeaAddict
PeaNut 174,511
October 2004
Posts: 1,892
Layouts: 0
Loc: Neither here nor there.
| Posted: 2/16/2013 4:43:19 PM
Please seriously consider a full hormone work up! Some OBGYNs are qualified, but I found that mine was less than interested.
When I had an early hysterectomy he told me that if the ovaries were left, I wouldn't have peri menopause so early.
WRONG!!!!!!!
My ovaries still work, but they are sputtering out of control. My E levels fluctuate so wildly that I felt psychotic. My T has dropped so low (for whatever reason) that I have a level comparable to a 6 year old girl. Blech.
I went to a hormone treatment specialist. It was very reasonable in price, he spent 6 hours (!) with me at my initial appointment in order to get a complete history and school me on HRT.
The blood tests were covered by insurance and the dermal pellets I get 4X a year are around $300. Money well spent.
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ellymae!
Threadkiller for hire - cheap. Results guaranteed in one post or less.
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ashazamm
BucketHead
PeaNut 217,769
August 2005
Posts: 572
Layouts: 18
Loc: NY
| Posted: 2/16/2013 4:51:18 PM
I used to piss him off until he gave up most nights-I felt so guilty but I too had zero sex drive when my kids were Younger. Then at one point our relationship improved and our kids were both school aged and instead of me using the excuse that I was tired at night, we would have day sex.
There is something we do that puts me in the mood but I'm a little embarrassed putting it out in public with my name and picture to the left. Let's just say it involved taking pictures;;for some reason when our photoshoots were done; I was ready to go. | |
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emmafrost
BucketHead
PeaNut 486,917
November 2010
Posts: 596
Layouts: 0
Loc: Maryland
 | Posted: 2/16/2013 5:42:45 PM
Sexual health is important. Do they offer medicinal couple retreats to Colorado or Washington?. |
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peapermint
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 9,321
January 2001
Posts: 8,594
Layouts: 0
Loc: all up in your business
 | Posted: 2/16/2013 6:47:56 PM
Maybe try reading some erotic literature before bed. |
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scrappysailorswife
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 235,775
December 2005
Posts: 5,049
Layouts: 0
Loc: Virginia
| Posted: 2/16/2013 7:02:35 PM
If you've detirmined that your hormone levels and health are good, you might consider having sex at other times than bedtime. A quickie on the bathroom counter might be the jumpstart you need to feel more eager for sex. If you and your husband change things up a bit, you might find yourself looking forward to your morning or afternoon trysts. Connecting with your spouse in that way is vital to the health of your marriage. Also, consider that your own sexual well-being is important. We are all sexual beings. I hope you're able to figure it out. Good luck. |
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Cariad12000
BucketHead
PeaNut 515,377
July 2011
Posts: 928
Layouts: 3
Loc: Unitd Kingdom
| Posted: 2/16/2013 7:11:34 PM
Its not just your hormones that might be out of balance. If you're feeling tired all the time then you might be run down or anemic. Go get your self to the doctor and as for a health over haul. |
CARIAD
http://notimeforwashingup.blogspot.com/ | |
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child of grace
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 274,600
August 2006
Posts: 7,252
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/16/2013 7:26:47 PM
Well at almost 63, I can say my sex drive is very low. Thank goodness his has slowed too, but he is more interested than I am! | |
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hattaway
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 308,509
April 2007
Posts: 2,141
Layouts: 0
Loc: Horse Country
| Posted: 2/16/2013 7:40:52 PM
Speaking as the one with the higher sex drive in the relaitonship, please try to fix this problem, get medical help, give in even when your tired sometimes, pray about it, get regular exercise (it really does help.) I love my husband with all my heart, I try hard to be understanding, I would never cheat on him, but I do think about it alot, and I do think about leaving him because of this problem. Sex is a basic human need. Sex is the only thing we ever fight about, but yet the problem continues. He does not have problem with ED, it just a desire, overly fatiqued problem. When we got together we agreed on sex 4 times a week, now I would be thrilled with once a week, its more like once every 6 weeks. I am at my wits end | |
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HeyAnne
Enjoying Today
PeaNut 1,847
November 1999
Posts: 6,309
Layouts: 352
Loc: CT, USA
 | Posted: 2/16/2013 7:44:28 PM
First off - just lying there and taking it is not like rape at all.
Rape is a crime of violence and the victim does not WANT it.
Just lying there and taking it has to be the most unsexy thing to your spouse. And not that it is all about him - you should be getting pleasure from sex too.
You got some good advice here. |
Felt Flower Collections at: www.carefreeglimmer.etsy.com
Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we waiting for?
- Gimli | |
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tdelkwin
PeaWee
PeaNut 497,136
January 2011
Posts: 2
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/16/2013 10:16:51 PM
Some may find what I have to share inapropriate, but so be it! Introduce new things in your relationship! Go to a sex store, get a movie and some toys and play!!!! It is fun and it can bring your desire back when you don't have to work as hard for the reward...your husband will LOVE it and it can actually take stress off of your performance and thus make you more relaxed and maybe a bit more willing. It makes me sad to hear so many of you saying you just pretend or just do it to make him happy. Sure, I too have "for him" sex to take care of his needs, but I figure if I do that for him, he needs to make the other sex about me! Our men will have the outcome they want no matter what kind of sex they are having, so when we are ready for more involved sex, make sure he knows it is his job to make sure you have a good time and you get your needs met!!!!!
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k-scraps
BucketHead
PeaNut 173,690
October 2004
Posts: 526
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/16/2013 10:22:11 PM
According to some friends of mine reading Fifty Shades of Gray helps tremendously. | |
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redboots
BucketHead
PeaNut 399,301
November 2008
Posts: 908
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 2/16/2013 11:28:09 PM
I think you owe it to yourselves and your husbands to try to figure out what's causing your lack of desire and do something about it. It must be awful to feel consistently rejected by your partner. Peas would be up in arms if a woman came here and posted about her husband constantly rejecting her in the bedroom. | |
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NewfCathy
PeaFixture
PeaNut 268,368
July 2006
Posts: 3,868
Layouts: 27
Loc: North of Boston
| Posted: 2/17/2013 7:04:22 AM
You have gotten some great advice here.
how about fantasizing about some exciting times that you and dh have had together? Or fantasizing about something else....
Also get some blood flowing to your privates with the removable shower head. Arousal is marked by increased blood flow.
Text him lovey messages during the day, to stay connected. Even funny, not sexy ones will help..."dd1 threw up today, really wish you were here, haha, love u". It will put a smile on his face, too.
The more sex you have the more you will want it.
I really like day time sex, and hated it when ds gave up his nap! 
Cathy | |
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about_to_pea
PeaAddict
PeaNut 104,674
September 2003
Posts: 1,901
Layouts: 47
Loc: Michigan
| Posted: 2/17/2013 8:42:00 AM
I dont have any answers. I want to encourage you though. Please see a doctor or a therapist or something. You are missing out. Sex is a lot of fantastic free fun. There is no reason you cant be enjoying this. I feel happier and more in tune and closer to my husband when we have a lot of sex. I hope you all get this worked out.... |
| My Pinterest Board: http://pinterest.com/dgirl48236/ | |
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sarahruby
PeaAddict
PeaNut 354,123
December 2007
Posts: 1,087
Layouts: 0
Loc: Hbg area, PA
| Posted: 2/17/2013 10:58:47 AM
Thanks everyone for ur suggestions and advice. ..it really helps!!! | |
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