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beachgirl55
BucketHead
PeaNut 514,794
July 2011
Posts: 767
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 |  Posted: 2/28/2013 5:53:34 PM
That you didn't think you would be able so send them to? DD is invited to a paid weekend at a college she really wants to go to. The tuition is way more than we think we/she would pay, but we can't seem to get it through her head. She would have to fly from NY to Colorado alone and she has never flown before. Part of me wants to let her go as it would be a great experience, but the other part of me is pretty sure she won't be able to go there, so why set her up for disappointment.
I would not be comfortable having her that far away, and although after scholarships and FAFSA, the tuition might not be exorbitant, but the additional costs of getting her there and back and costs for parents weekend, etc. might break the bank.
I'd love to hear the peas opinions.
Thanks,
Ann | |
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busypea
boring + nerdy
PeaNut 52,817
October 2002
Posts: 25,205
Layouts: 145
Loc: Oregon
 | Posted: 2/28/2013 5:57:47 PM
I would let her go. You never know what might happen, financial aid wise. If it's the school she thinks she really wants to attend, perhaps the visit will help her decide if she might want to take on some of the burden of paying for school herself (loans, etc.) in order to be able to go there. Or, perhaps she'll decide it's not worth it after all.
Either way, I would want to give her the opportunity to make that decision herself rather than always wonder what could have been.
I'd just be sure to make it clear beforehand that *if* she decides to go there, she will be taking on some additional financial burden because it is above your budget.
ETA: My family lived in Washington and I went to college in the midwest. I only flew home at Christmas and my parents didn't come to parents' weekends. That never even crossed my mind that I would go home more frequently or they would come out. Everyone I know who went away to college (meaning not within driving distance) did the same. So, really, that's only two tickets a year. | |
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maryannscraps
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 75,215
March 2003
Posts: 6,394
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| Posted: 2/28/2013 6:01:37 PM
I was surprised at how the costs at the different schools turned out so differently after financial aid was factored in.
My daughter went to admissions weekends in Atlanta and Baltimore, and those made a HUGE difference in her decision. Going by herself, staying with students, and meeting lots of other potential freshmen gave her a completely different view of the schools. It was very valuable to her.
She was 17 -- flew to Atlanta and took the train to Baltimore. She was fine. It was a good experience.
The distance is just one more thing to factor in. One school was accessible by cheapo tickets on southwest. The other cost 3x as much to fly to. | |
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Zella
PeaFixture
PeaNut 434,965
August 2009
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Loc: Puget Sound
 | Posted: 2/28/2013 6:06:08 PM
This sounds like it would be a great experience for your daughter. A 17 or 18 year old should be able to manage the flight and the weekend just fine. As for your not being comfortable having her so far away, you need to let her make that decision. If she's fine with it, you need to step back and let her go. As a mom I understand your fear, but don't hamper your daughter's progress or future because of it. |
Trying to live each day for itself
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sunny 5
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 472,024
June 2010
Posts: 2,081
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 2/28/2013 6:09:00 PM
also..my college kid survived coming home at christmas and that was it. no parent weekends, no quick visits...and she was only 6 hours away. if they want to go there and can swing the finances...they should know they have to limit other costs. | |
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I-95
It's all just nonsense anyway!
PeaNut 97,456
July 2003
Posts: 19,565
Layouts: 0
Loc: California, NY & Orlando
 | Posted: 2/28/2013 6:20:31 PM
I would not only let her, I would send her.
She's going to fly away soon, mama, might as well start now.
You also might be surprised at how things shake out after grants, scholarships etc are factored in. Keep in mind, if she's an awesome addition to their school, she can negotiate. My DD's BFF wanted to go to an prestigious college, and the college wanted her. Her folks could afford very little, so she heard the school's first offer, and said 'My family can't cover the difference. It's too much'. The school came back with a VERY attractive offer, which she accepted. She also took on the job of dorm monitor so she got a free room thrown in. She got a job at the school, and did some private tutoring in her 2nd or 3rd year to cover expenses. Her folks only went to one parent's weekend...in fact, I flew up to be her MOM (My Other Mother) for the mother/daughter weekend.
It was important to her, and her parents, that she get into the best school she could, and sacrifices would have to be made.
Send you DD off to check out the school. If nothing else she will have a blast, and decide she's willing to sacrifice to go there, or she'll discover she doesn't want to fly so far from home. Either way it will be a great experience. | |
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back to *pea*ality
PeaFixture
PeaNut 471,633
June 2010
Posts: 3,720
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| Posted: 2/28/2013 6:49:59 PM
I agree with I-95. Let her go. In fact, I would go with her and stay at a hotel so you can see the campus and attend financial aid and admission meetings with her. We did a similar trip with DS and most students visited with parents.
If she can get in, wants to go and can get a financial package that works give her your blessing. This is her first really big life decision. | |
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moveablefeast
do justice, love mercy
PeaNut 265,707
June 2006
Posts: 11,133
Layouts: 0
Loc: Northern Virginia
 | Posted: 2/28/2013 6:51:42 PM
Yup. She might as well know now what it's like to have to fly back and forth, and to not have mom and dad driving distance away. | |
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Basket1lady
PeaAddict
PeaNut 465,906
April 2010
Posts: 1,925
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Loc: Northern Virginia
| Posted: 2/28/2013 8:00:50 PM
Between my final two choices, one college was $10,000 more a year. The package that they offered was VERY inviting and balance out the differences in costs.
If the more expensive college wants her badly enough, they may offer more in aid. It's worth a shot.
And while I didn't go away to college, by boyfriend did. I flew out to see him twice a year, and he flew back to me twice a year. No parents, just us. It worked out fine and we've been married 23 years now.  |
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dwisker
Squillen's Best Bud
PeaNut 297,159
February 2007
Posts: 6,944
Layouts: 20
Loc: Montrose, NY
| Posted: 2/28/2013 8:16:40 PM
I did. I drove her to Rhode Island on a Friday, left her at Johnson & Wales for the weekend and met her at Penn Station on the following Monday morning.
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TXDancermom
PeaFixture
PeaNut 146,748
May 2004
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| Posted: 2/28/2013 8:19:06 PM
Yes, let her go, great learning experience for her, and she may decide that she doesn't want to be that far away.
both my kids went far away to college - 900 and 1200 miles away. after scholarships and financial aid, we paid the same for their educations at small private schools (under 1000 students for both) that we would have paid for tuition room and board at one of our premier state universities. the difference was transportation - but dd and I got really good at finding the right time to book flights to and from.
the added cost was worth it, both kids got great educations, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
IF the college is the right one for her, you will figure out how to make it work | |
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Mrs_Tyler
Sorting Laundry
PeaNut 197,836
March 2005
Posts: 24,080
Layouts: 246
Loc: Enjoying the humid continental climate zone.
 | Posted: 2/28/2013 8:23:23 PM
Absolutely! I chose a college my parents could not afford. I chose it because I knew it was the best option for me and my career goals. My parents wanted me there, but knew they could better afford a state school. I had no interest in a state college where I'd be lost in a sea of thousands. I visited a couple of admissions weekends and took a friend with me. The experience I had helped me truly know it was the right place for me and then I decided that I could take out loans and work my butt off for scholarships to make it happen. It took me ten years to pay off my loans, but I would not change my experience for anything. It was worth all of my efforts and hard work and every penny I spent.
I was fully aware that choosing that school would mean I would bear most of the financial loan burden and I made that choice for me. It was a step of faith, but a very important decision for a young adult to be able to make for their future. | |
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Epeanymous
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 15,108
May 2001
Posts: 2,166
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 | Posted: 2/28/2013 9:07:52 PM
I ended up at a university with a tuition cost that was about triple the cost of my state's flagship university, but, by the time I factored in the financial aid package the private university ultimately offered me, the difference in cost between the two schools was negligible. I would let her go. | |
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benem
Yo, that's fifty dollars for a T-shirt.
PeaNut 526,154
October 2011
Posts: 5,549
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Loc: Illinois
| Posted: 2/28/2013 11:04:56 PM
Who is paying for her airfare to go??? That is not free.
Here's what I think. I think you tell DD how much you can pay for school. And if she wants to go to a more expensive school then she has to make up the difference including the cost of travel to and from.
She might go and love it and be very motivated to find a way to pay for it. |
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perumbula
oooh, what you said!
PeaNut 27,933
January 2002
Posts: 10,115
Layouts: 97
Loc: bedlam
 | Posted: 2/28/2013 11:11:41 PM
I agree with the rest. You never know what the financial aid package will look like.
My dd's number one pick is a $50k a year school that has a financial aid policy that (if she were to get in; it's a stretch school for her) would actually make it cheaper than the state university that's her second choice.
Btw, we worked hard to make sure our dd got to visit schools this summer. It made a difference to her to actually be on campus and visit with people at the universities. it was a bit of a stretch for us to make it happen (we actually had to schedule a family vacation around seeing her first choice school), but it was worth it in the end. I think your dd would get so much valuable information and experience with the school that it's worth it to send her.
Just be sure you give her a nice safety lecture before she goes.  |
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Mary Kay Lady
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 367,913
March 2008
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Loc: The state of Confusion!
 | Posted: 3/1/2013 12:42:05 AM
Let her go. She needs to see for herself if this is the right college for her or not. You can figure out the finances later. Just take one step at a time.
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gar
Whoopea!
PeaNut 172,235
October 2004
Posts: 12,492
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Loc: England UK
| Posted: 3/1/2013 2:33:53 AM
Let her go.
Part of me wants to let her go as it would be a great experience, but the other part of me is pretty sure she won't be able to go there, so why set her up for disappointment.
You are not setting her up for disappointment. She's choosing to go even though you have (presumably?) told her about the cost implications.
I know it's hard to let them go but she might be resentful if you don't let her figure it out for herself. As long as you've been clear that there are questions involving the money aspect then it's her choice and I would support her first real foray into the big wide world
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mdoc
Peaing under the Radar
PeaNut 61,691
January 2003
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| Posted: 3/1/2013 6:41:16 AM
I think you owe it to your D to tell her the amount you're prepared to pay each year for all of her college expenses. As long as you've done that, I don't think you're setting her up for disappointment. If the school wants her enough to pay her way to visit, there may be a nice scholarship or financial aid package in her future. Or not, but it's a valuable experience for her one way or the other, and not letting her go will result in definite disappointment.
As for affording travel costs, my D is at school 12 hours away, and although we can afford to fly her home whenever she wants (southwest fares are pretty reasonable), she will not be home between Christmas break and the end of the year - she's too busy and having too good an experience at school to want to come home. We miss her, but in a way we're thrilled she doesn't want to come home. | |
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Mallie
BucketHead
PeaNut 574,604
December 2012
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| Posted: 3/1/2013 6:50:10 AM
That you didn't think you would be able so send them to? DD is invited to a paid weekend at a college she really wants to go to. The tuition is way more than we think we/she would pay, but we can't seem to get it through her head. She would have to fly from NY to Colorado alone and she has never flown before. Part of me wants to let her go as it would be a great experience, but the other part of me is pretty sure she won't be able to go there, so why set her up for disappointment.
I would not be comfortable having her that far away, and although after scholarships and FAFSA, the tuition might not be exorbitant, but the additional costs of getting her there and back and costs for parents weekend, etc. might break the bank.
I'd let her go since I believe very strongly that you don't know if a college is right for you until you visit there. As an example, there was a college I was basically all set to attend until I visited there on a whim and hated it. Just hated it. So so glad I didn't go there.
I'll echo others and say that often private colleges end up being the same cost or even cheaper than a public university. My oldest dd, for example, attended a highly respected community college for two years that has an agreement with the flagship campus of our public university system. We all assumed she'd transfer there. Well, not so much because when it came down to it, the university would accept the credits but the school of business would not -- so she'd have to start all over as a freshman. Total waste of money (and time). A much more highly rated private university, however, gave her credit for every cc credit, so she was able to start as a junior. PLUS they gave her enough money that it was actually cheaper to go there. Factor in that the private university guarantees classes will be taught by profs and not TAs and that there is never more than 35 kids per class? The private university was not only cheaper, it was a better value.
If the travel costs are prohibitive, then tell your dd she needs to pay for herself to come home for holidays. She doesn't pay for them, she doesn't come home. | |
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Kerry in CT
PeaFixture
PeaNut 23,966
October 2001
Posts: 3,692
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Loc: Connecticut
| Posted: 3/1/2013 7:13:00 AM
Probably not, only because of my experience. When I was looking at colleges I specifically told my mom to let me know if something was too expensive, and she poo-poo'ed me. Two years later my parents made me switch colleges because of cost. I was not happy. I had to start over at a new school where everyone else had already made their friends.
If you really feel it is too expensive, just tell her that. Don't let her fly out there and fall in love with a school that is not going to work for her. |
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TheBiscuitScraps
Bubbie is my most prized title.
PeaNut 99,833
August 2003
Posts: 5,226
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Loc: Raleigh, North Carolina
| Posted: 3/1/2013 7:26:24 AM
She is 17. When do you plan on letting her "fly" (no pun intended)?
At some point, you have to let her go or she will do it for you. When we, as parents, hold on too tightly, often the back lash causes a rift.
Our DD wanted to go close to home and I told her I was not going to help pay for a room when she had one at home, so she started looking away from home. The dorm/apt experience give them a great foundation before living away on their own where their jobs take them...and that could be international. After several years, my niece has just settled in DC, having worked in Germany.
And remember, Skype and Google Chat keep you both visually connected.
Hugs on your feelings about letting her grow up. |
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auntkelly
BOOMER SOONER!
PeaNut 142,266
April 2004
Posts: 8,204
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Loc: Texas
| Posted: 3/1/2013 7:50:37 AM
As for affording travel costs, my D is at school 12 hours away, and although we can afford to fly her home whenever she wants (southwest fares are pretty reasonable), she will not be home between Christmas break and the end of the year - she's too busy and having too good an experience at school to want to come home. We miss her, but in a way we're thrilled she doesn't want to come home.
I was going to say pretty much the same thing. My son goes to Notre Dame and we live in Houston. To travel from Houston to Notre Dame, you have to fly from Houston to Chicago and then take a two hour bus ride from Chicago to South Bend. This year, he came home for Christmas and won't be home again until summer.
He claims he doesn't have time to come home because of his studies. His dad and I think it may have something to do with his social life too  . I miss him, but in this day and age of skyping and texting, we are able to communicate with him just about every day.
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Darcy_Collins
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 514,615
July 2011
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| Posted: 3/1/2013 9:30:35 AM
Who is paying for her airfare to go??? That is not free.
Most likely the college. I had a couple fully paid trips including airfare to visit. I would definitely let her go. I can say that even friends who lived close (hour or two drive) rarely went home outside of Christmas. I guess the exception would be Thanksgiving - but no parents ever visited after freshman year - so I really doubt there will be much extra expense. My parents never visited my school until graduation day.
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beachgirl55
BucketHead
PeaNut 514,794
July 2011
Posts: 767
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| Posted: 3/1/2013 10:00:00 AM
We are going to let her go. I figure, if nothing else, it will be a great experience for her. Even if she finds out it is too far for HER comfort zone. She is our only child and has been quite spoiled. Think the whole college experience is going to be a rude awakening for her.
Thanks, Ann | |
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TheBiscuitScraps
Bubbie is my most prized title.
PeaNut 99,833
August 2003
Posts: 5,226
Layouts: 2
Loc: Raleigh, North Carolina
| Posted: 3/1/2013 10:04:44 AM
Ann, I'm so glad you decided to send her off. It is soooo hard, but the best gift a parent can give their children is the freedom to become adults and make their own decisions. Lots of Mom hugs coming your way. |
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auntkelly
BOOMER SOONER!
PeaNut 142,266
April 2004
Posts: 8,204
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Loc: Texas
| Posted: 3/1/2013 10:24:54 AM
Ann, I'm so glad you decided to send her off. It is soooo hard, but the best gift a parent can give their children is the freedom to become adults and make their own decisions. Lots of Mom hugs coming your way.
I totally agree!
When my kids were little I always thought the really hard part of being a parent would be getting them past the stage when they might drink a bottle of Chlorox when you weren't watching.
However, that was nothing compared to this stage of life when you are supposed to start letting go and giving them the freedom to make their own choices and sometimes, their own mistakes. |
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Nightowl scrapper
Intl Assoc of Epic Length Posters - USA Chapter
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August 2003
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Loc: Colorado
| Posted: 3/1/2013 10:26:10 AM
I think that the OP is not saying she's doesn't want her flying away to the admissions weekend, she's uneasy about her being so far away on a 4 year long basis.
While it's lovely to say "let them go far away, it's good for them" etc, the fact is that transportation back and forth to a distant state can get expensive, and not every kid is genuinely ready to be that far from home.
I had a similar conversation with a parent of a senior last night. Her dd is looking at a CO college and a WA college. Her mom indicated her dd is ready for the adventure of being far from home, but the realities of few visits home and the cost is concerning. This girl is the type to get really, really sick when she catches anything, so I can picture her being pretty miserable being far from home.
When I was in HS, I applied to Yale. My mom had a fit. The financial issues didn't work out, and I went to an in-state private college in CA. As an adult, I think that going to Yale would have been a huge mistake. I doubt the CA girl from a small town would have fit in well with the East coast culture of an Ivy League school, the weather issues would have done me in, and being that far from home would have not worked out well. My parents did not at all have the money to bring me back and forth for Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring break, etc. Once I was gone, I would have been stuck. I doubt I would have stayed more than a year. In short, I don't have regrets when I think about that decision, only relief.
All kids and situations and financial issues are different. I would let my child go to the admissions weekend, certainly. But there would have to be a lot of serious discussions about the realities of a school that far away before she made her final decision. |
"Until you put a thought into words, clearly and precisely, it is not a thought at all. It is a kind of fog rolling around inside the skull."
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daisy888
PeaNut
PeaNut 352,310
December 2007
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| Posted: 3/1/2013 10:36:31 AM
I'm so glad you decided to let her go. My dd is at a wonderful school on the opposite coast from us, and it has been a fantastic experience for her. I wanted to mention a few things you might not have thought of:
My dd's financial aid award began with a calculation of the total cost of attendance, specifically for her. So, besides tuition, room and board, books, it included an estimate for transportation (3 round-trip flights from CA to CT) Then, the amount they figured we could pay was subtracted from that total.
I love that my dd's friends are from every state in the US and from many different countries. She is learning much more than what's in her classes.
Visiting this school might help your dd realize it's NOT a good fit for her, or that she doesn't want to deal with flying, or that she would be happy at a school similar to that one, but closer to home, or whatever. At least she will have a better idea of what her choices are. Remember this is an opportunity for her to learn about traveling, about what she wants for herself, and about how you make wise financial decisions.
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maryannscraps
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 75,215
March 2003
Posts: 6,394
Layouts: 2
Loc: massachusetts
| Posted: 3/1/2013 10:41:59 AM
Good for letting her go. That doesn't mean it's a final decision -- and you may not even be setting her up for disappointment. It's good to have the experience and take a good close look at her options.
My DD was positive about which college she wanted. She decided to go to the admissions weekend just to have fun. She had toured the campus the summer before, she knew people there, and she'd been telling everyone she was going there. She hated it when she stayed over. She totally changed her mind. She also visited one of her lower choices around the same time. She hadn't toured that campus before. Turned out that she loved everything about it -- the campus, the students, the activities, the location. | |
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lavawalker
AncestralPea
PeaNut 231,165
November 2005
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Loc: The Golden State
 | Posted: 3/1/2013 10:42:32 AM
I didn't read all the answers, but when dd made a similar trip and decided to go to said school, they reimbursed us for the airfare. Or maybe they deducted it from fees or tuition. Can't remember. | |
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beachgirl55
BucketHead
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July 2011
Posts: 767
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| Posted: 3/1/2013 12:16:04 PM
To answer some of your questions ... it is totally paid for by the college. The airfare, room and board. So it would be no cost to me. The costs that I am worried about are the trips home and back, the trip for us to get her there, rent a car, hotel, etc.
DD is a little bit immature, and while I think she would be ok going away to college ... I'm not sure about being this far away. The other colleges we looked at were 4-6 hour drives from our house.
Ann | |
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Epeanymous
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 15,108
May 2001
Posts: 2,166
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| Posted: 3/1/2013 12:21:21 PM
I doubt the CA girl from a small town would have fit in well with the East coast culture of an Ivy League school, the weather issues would have done me in, and being that far from home would have not worked out well.
Eh, I was a small-town CA girl who did exactly that, and it was the time of my life. My parents thought I would hate it, but it was exactly what I wanted, and while I had no idea going there that I needed a down jacket or weatherproof boots, or that Exeter and old money really existed, I adjusted in about three hours. | |
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Nightowl scrapper
Intl Assoc of Epic Length Posters - USA Chapter
PeaNut 103,889
August 2003
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Loc: Colorado
| Posted: 3/1/2013 1:04:10 PM
Eh, I was a small-town CA girl who did exactly that, and it was the time of my life. My parents thought I would hate it, but it was exactly what I wanted, and while I had no idea going there that I needed a down jacket or weatherproof boots, or that Exeter and old money really existed, I adjusted in about three hours.
I'm glad it worked out for you. Given how much I loathe Colorado weather, winter and summer, I do think Connecticut would have done me in, down jacket and weatherproof boots (which I own) notwithstanding.
Some people are adaptable, some are not. If I could return to CA weather now, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I don't doubt that FOR ME going to college in the northeast would have been a mistake. |
"Until you put a thought into words, clearly and precisely, it is not a thought at all. It is a kind of fog rolling around inside the skull."
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Mallie
BucketHead
PeaNut 574,604
December 2012
Posts: 714
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| Posted: 3/1/2013 3:31:30 PM
Some people are adaptable, some are not. If I could return to CA weather now, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I don't doubt that FOR ME going to college in the northeast would have been a mistake.
But how do you know if you're adaptable or not if you never go out of your comfort zone? | |
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Miss Lerins Momma
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 151,660
June 2004
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Loc: KY
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Nightowl scrapper
Intl Assoc of Epic Length Posters - USA Chapter
PeaNut 103,889
August 2003
Posts: 24,797
Layouts: 0
Loc: Colorado
| Posted: 3/1/2013 3:46:45 PM
But how do you know if you're adaptable or not if you never go out of your comfort zone?
<sigh> if you will re-read my post, I DID leave my comfort zone. I live in CO.
I have been out of my comfort zone for 2 years now. I hate snow. I hate it now. I hated it when I was in college and just out of college when I went skiing with friends. Living in a snow climate is not what I want to do. I'm glad I didn't commit to spending 4 years in it when I didn't have to. Now I have to. I'm stuck. I hate it. That's me. Okay?
I left my comfort zone several times over the years and adapted. But extreme weather is not something I'm able to adapt to. I would have been miserable going to college in snow.
Now back to the regularly scheduled "should I let my child go to an admissions weekend" thread. |
"Until you put a thought into words, clearly and precisely, it is not a thought at all. It is a kind of fog rolling around inside the skull."
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Dancingfish
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 51,456
October 2002
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Loc: VA
| Posted: 3/1/2013 3:50:46 PM
1) Maybe she will get a scholorship -- luck does happen!!
2) Maybe she will go and realize its not for her. Sometimes we have to see lots of choices to realize what we really want.
I took my dd to colleges that I knew I could never pay for.. but we had to see what was out there. Life has lots of twists and turns so don't dross anything off the list until you have to! Momma let that birdie fly! |
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mollyw
PeaFixture
PeaNut 51,457
October 2002
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| Posted: 3/1/2013 6:42:31 PM
I know you have decided but did you run the Net Price Calculator to see what the need based aid looks like? If it is a school that doesn't give merit aid (ivies, NU, ND, Williams, etc.) that the calculators are pretty close.
IF they give merit scholarships, it sounds like she has a lot of potential for getting one since they are paying her way to the school. They must really want her. But if you fall into that donut hole of too much income but not enough for 240,000 dollars for 4 years, I hope it doesn't break her heart. | |
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smcl
PeaAddict
PeaNut 526,836
November 2011
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