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momto4kiddos
PeaAddict
PeaNut 429,864
July 2009
Posts: 1,090
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 |  Posted: 3/1/2013 6:59:41 PM
How do you react when someone stops speaking to you because they are annoyed with you?
dd owes me money and it's due the first of every month. I texted her a reminder yesterday that I wanted it today and haven't been spoken to since! Money did arrive on my desk while I was out, but other than that I haven't caught a glimpse of her as she comes and goes without a word.
I'm sure she's tight for money and is p*ssed that she had to pay me (but hey if you can afford fun and not work full-time i'm unsympathetic!)
So i'm just curious how others react to situations where you've done nothing "wrong" but someone is pissed and not speaking to you. While I am so over dealing with her, i'm also hurt that she is acting like such an *ss to me. I feel like i'm being overly sensitive
Editing to add age since I forgot She's 22 in age, maturity probably 17 She lives at home since I think I may not have made that clear either. | |
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Carolina Girl 71
AncestralPea
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back to *pea*ality
PeaFixture
PeaNut 471,633
June 2010
Posts: 3,704
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 3/1/2013 7:08:16 PM
Don't lend her money again. | |
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Christine58
pea'rific teacher Union President
PeaNut 164,125
August 2004
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KittenOnTheKeys
PeaFixture
PeaNut 498,237
February 2011
Posts: 3,059
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Loc: SW
| Posted: 3/1/2013 7:20:36 PM
I just remember that the issue is with them and not me. |
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Deena714
Half of NSBR's favorite power couple
PeaNut 64,257
January 2003
Posts: 18,889
Layouts: 88
Loc: Your Mom's house
 | Posted: 3/1/2013 7:21:57 PM
I'm assuming that you're talking about an adult and she doesn't live with you. Basically I would act normally until she get the bug out from up her butt. I have zero time for childish games.
If she is a child and/or does live with you, I would probably have a chat about "my house, my rules" and then basically just continue normally.
Hopefully if she realizes you don't care, she won't do it anymore. And feel free to text her if she is late with the money again next month too. |
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Mary Kay Lady
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 367,913
March 2008
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Loc: The state of Confusion!
 | Posted: 3/1/2013 7:25:05 PM
Remember that "we teach people how to treat us?" Well, she's your DAUGHTER. As her MOTHER you have the right to expect that she respect you. Not speaking to you does not demonstrate respect. It doesn't matter how old she is, two or 62.
I agree with the previous posters that we need to know how old she is and if she's living in your home before we can advise you on how to proceed from here.
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momto4kiddos
PeaAddict
PeaNut 429,864
July 2009
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| Posted: 3/1/2013 7:55:02 PM
Sorry apparently I forgot a few details She's 22 years of age. Her maturity level seems on par for about 17! She's currently living at home. | |
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Free~Bird
Honorary Bearcat!
PeaNut 104,551
September 2003
Posts: 9,931
Layouts: 3
Loc: Missouri
 | Posted: 3/1/2013 7:59:10 PM
Start charging her rent. That'll make her want to move. problem solved.
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Really Red
Pea-ceful and Hap-pea
PeaNut 24,951
November 2001
Posts: 8,170
Layouts: 1
 | Posted: 3/1/2013 8:00:14 PM
I probably wouldn't have texted my daughter that info. I also wouldn't tolerate someone who is living in my house not talking to me.
But 22 is an adult and if she's paying you, she doesn't have to talk with you, I guess.
First thing I'd do is confront it head-on... |
Andrea
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momto4kiddos
PeaAddict
PeaNut 429,864
July 2009
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| Posted: 3/1/2013 8:16:45 PM
Start charging her rent. That'll make her want to move. problem solved.
While that sounds easy enough...but she's barely scraping together enough to repay me money she owes me. The reason she isn't speaking to me is because she probably barely had enough for this months repayment. I kind of feel like how do you get something that isn't there? Now if she had plenty of money, that would be a great solution. I just don't think it's totally feasible currently.
I probably wouldn't have texted my daughter that info. I also wouldn't tolerate someone who is living in my house not talking to me.
But 22 is an adult and if she's paying you, she doesn't have to talk with you, I guess.
First thing I'd do is confront it head-on...
I texted her because I was out and didn't want to forget. Not something unusual. I'm sure she's not mad about the texting part it's the money part.
And she's RE-paying me, money lent to her by me. She is supposed to pay room/board, but that is just heaped in with the debt she owes me. And quite frankly I wouldn't care what she was paying me, it's not enough to put up with being treated this way. | |
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Mary Kay Lady
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 367,913
March 2008
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Loc: The state of Confusion!
| Posted: 3/1/2013 8:18:15 PM
Is this the first time that she's stopped speaking to you? Is this behaviour that she's seen from you and/or your husband/her father?
Again, I would not tolerate such behavior from anyone in my house. Mature adults discuss their problems. If she wants to be treated as an adult then she needs to start growning up and act like one.
Also, I'm pretty sure that if this was one of my children, it would be the last time money was loaned to them. You did her a favor. You shouldn't have to remind her to repay you.
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Laurel Jean
generic pea
PeaNut 76,877
March 2003
Posts: 9,178
Layouts: 179
Loc: Michigan
| Posted: 3/1/2013 8:39:41 PM
Sounds harsh, but maybe she needs to go?
Sounds like she just may need a dose of reality. This is coming from a cranky old bat. | |
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freecharlie
Is the pool open yet?
PeaNut 109,127
September 2003
Posts: 19,245
Layouts: 4
Loc: Colorado
| Posted: 3/1/2013 8:50:38 PM
In my make believe bad-ass world, I'd tell her to pull her head out of her butt and be grateful or to get the hell out. |
| Tribbey: I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the first, fourth, fifth, and ninth amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him! [to Ainsley] Nice meeting you | |
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voltagain
OklaPhoma
PeaNut 18,334
July 2001
Posts: 35,130
Layouts: 15
Loc: State of cultural confusion. Yeehaw and Aloha have collided!
| Posted: 3/1/2013 8:52:29 PM
She is supposed to pay room/board, but that is just heaped in with the debt she owes me. And quite frankly I wouldn't care what she was paying me, it's not enough to put up with being treated this way.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
We would be having a nose to nose "come to Jesus" talk. I'd make it clear the total she owes. She can pay in full immediately AND find a new place to live in the next 30 days.
You shouldn't be treated this way. But you are putting up with it. Don't expect any different until you change. She has no motivation to change because its not hurting her in any meaningful way. |
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VexedAngel
Cold Pea on a Cracked Plate
PeaNut 156,343
July 2004
Posts: 5,092
Layouts: 46
| Posted: 3/1/2013 10:26:18 PM
I'll be honest, I'd be annoyed that you 'reminded' me. It's not like the day was over yet. And if you were out, who's to say that she hadn't already left it for you?  |
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nlwilkins
PeaAddict
PeaNut 280,462
October 2006
Posts: 1,834
Layouts: 2
Loc: Central Texas
 | Posted: 3/1/2013 11:05:44 PM
How about put yourself in her path and refuse to move and let her know you are not going to play her game. "Hey, sorry you are upset, but I feel that not talking is kinda childish." (Not calling her childish, but what you feel about it.)
Otherwise, just ignore it if you can't bring yourself to confront her. It is her problem not yours and if you show it is not bothering you she might get tired of holding a grudge. |
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mypixiegirl
PeaNut
PeaNut 196,608
March 2005
Posts: 83
Layouts: 0
Loc: Alberta, Canada
| Posted: 3/1/2013 11:09:41 PM
Well if it was me I would think my daughter was mad and being sensible by keeping her anger to herself. I'm sure she knows she is wrong to be angry and doesn't want to say something she can't take back. Now if this went on for a long time I would stop by her room and start chatting about something we had in common. Sometimes it's nice to know your loved even when your being a brat. If it didn't end there then I don't know what I would do. | |
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IleneTell
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 434,842
August 2009
Posts: 2,427
Layouts: 635
| Posted: 3/1/2013 11:10:07 PM
Just refuse to play the "ignoring" game. Go on with your life, your day, and your behavior as you would otherwise - her bad mood does not need to impact you. If she's refusing to speak to you, then it will cost her in other ways - if she needs something from you, or if you would otherwise have done something for her, etc.
You can face her directly, let her know you don't appreciate her childish games and her treatment of you, and when she's had some time to calm down and cool off, then she can come to you and apologize for her behavior. And then go on with you life, focusing on those things that do make you happy, and if she chooses to be angry/miserable/whatever, then that is on her. |
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DEX
PeaAddict
PeaNut 365,020
March 2008
Posts: 1,329
Layouts: 4
| Posted: 3/1/2013 11:23:17 PM
I just go about my business when someone won't talk to me. No need to get co-dependent over someone else's issue.
Don't worry about it. You have done nothing wrong. You reminded her about the money. She is angry at herself.
You're good.  |
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rsalamon
PeaNut
PeaNut 426,561
June 2009
Posts: 412
Layouts: 60
Loc: San Diego, CA
| Posted: 3/1/2013 11:41:07 PM
Honestly, I would be annoyed at your text. I don't think it warrants her behavior, but unless she is habitually late at making the payment (you don't mention this), I would lay off the day-before reminders. Maybe this is playing into her attitude as well... |
Ryann
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Spongemom Scrappants
HRH pilates teaching wino ball of fun
PeaNut 297,141
February 2007
Posts: 10,617
Layouts: 31
Loc: South Carolina
| Posted: 3/2/2013 7:13:17 AM
I find the whole "not talking to someone" thing very childish. It was one of my ex-husband's primary means of "punishing" me. He even went so far as to talk to me through our children.
I think with your daughter it's probably complicated. It's hard to make that transition to an adult relationship with a child - especially one who is acting less than adult. I think it's doubly important here for you to model appropriate means of adult interaction. Do not engage in her childish behaviors. |
Angie
Where the boys are... my new husband, my four sons and my boy cat.
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UpNorth Scrapper
Seriously warped and appalling
PeaNut 99,963
August 2003
Posts: 12,905
Layouts: 0
Loc: Minnesota
| Posted: 3/2/2013 7:35:10 AM
My mom liked to use that as her method of punishing me. She once went over two weeks without talking to me when I was a teenager. As the mom of a teenager the same age as I was then, I see how incredibly immature it was on her part. I actually think it is pretty amazing that I have anything to do with my mom now. I'd just tell my daughter to knock that shit off, we don't play passive aggressive games in my house. |
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SDeven
Love Letters Pea
PeaNut 65,852
January 2003
Posts: 28,206
Layouts: 380
Loc: Nashville, TN!
| Posted: 3/2/2013 8:04:15 AM
I would not react. The last thing it sounds like she needs is to know that her immature behavior is getting to you.
Wait her out. |
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TinCin
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 29,331
February 2002
Posts: 6,214
Layouts: 0
Loc: Living in the palm of the hand.
| Posted: 3/2/2013 8:27:53 AM
I would keep in mind that she is going to need you well before you need her. I would let her keep not talking to me just as long as she wishes and I would ignore it. As I have explained to my children, a certain amount of respect is due to a person just because they are your elder and because they are your parent. If they can't bring themselves to give me that respect, then we will have an issue. I hate passive aggressive behavior but I can play it with the best of them. I would ignore the behavior and her as well. She will come to you when she needs something and that is the time to discuss her bad behavior.
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UkSue
AncestralPea
PeaNut 428,374
June 2009
Posts: 4,241
Layouts: 2
Loc: Greater London
| Posted: 3/2/2013 8:31:13 AM
My DD of the same age is not in any means perfect, but the one and only time she borrowed money from me last year ( her laptop died, and she needed it replaced quickly as she had just secured an internship with a social media consultant) she has made a habit of putting money away as soon as she has any to pay me back. She offered a bigger repayment per month than I asked for- her only earnings are minimum wage at Wimpy, and she offered me an amount that after she has paid me some board ( which she insisted on- she doesn't know I am saving it up for her!) she has less than a third left to spend on anything else. Her attitude is that the sooner she pays it off the better for both of us- and she has shown a LOT of gratitude for the loan and for the fact she pays so little board.
Having said all that, I would do as others have said and go about things normally. She will need something at some time and will have to talk to you, lol! Depending on my mood I might say 'oh you finally decided to talk to me then!' But honestly I probably wouldn't in case things got worse.
My attitude with my kids is to pick my battles carefully, considering their personalities,and that I would rather be happy than right all the time.
Having said that though I do think you deserve more respect- but maybe that addresses an issue that relates historically with you both? |
| Love is short, forgetting is long, and understanding longer still. | |
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CountryHam
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 335,105
August 2007
Posts: 2,872
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 3/2/2013 8:40:36 AM
dd owes me money and it's due the first of every month. I texted her a reminder yesterday that I wanted it today and haven't been spoken to since! Money did arrive on my desk while I was out, but other than that I haven't caught a glimpse of her as she comes and goes without a word.
I'm sure she's tight for money and is p*ssed that she had to pay me (but hey if you can afford fun and not work full-time i'm unsympathetic!)
I would be seriously annoyed if someone sent me a reminder the day a payment was due. I don't like being pestered and she wasn't even late then.
You said money was left while you were out.
Then you post at 7pm last night you are getting the silent treatment.
Goodness.. how often do you talk to your adult daughter in the run of a day. You were at work most of the day, she was doing her thing, it was barely dinner hour when you posted she was giving you the silent treatment.
What is your expectations here?
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Ginger_64
BucketHead
PeaNut 562,204
July 2012
Posts: 771
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 3/2/2013 9:19:15 AM
I don't understand why so many people would be annoyed at a reminder that a payment is due. Isn't what we all get when we owe money, in the form of bills? I don't think it's "pestering" to send a reminder. Pestering would be to remind her repeatedly before it's due, then ask for it over and over when it is due. One simple reminder is just that...a reminder.
OP already said she doesn't think it's the reminder that has her dd mad, it's the fact that she has to pay her and too bad for that! You owe money, you pay it. Period.
When someone isn't talking to me, I'm not good at just ignoring it. I have to say something. I would try not to sound non-confrontational and just ask "It seems like you aren't talking to me; can you tell me why?" I would just have a sit-down. I don't like the silent treatment and agree with others that it's a childish punishment and isn't really acceptable, especially when someone has/is helping you, as in this situation.
I feel your pain with the 22-year old though. I have a 22-year old who just recently temporarily moved back home. He's in the process of joining the military. He's spent the last few years living on his own, going to school some, working some, and living off his tiny savings as well as a little bit of money his grandparents gave him when he turned 18. He's been all over the country, which is great, but now he's broke. I've kind of had it with him. I love him and I want him to know that he is welcome to come home if he needs to. I respect his decision to join the military, but I have grown weary of the fact that he's been here about a month or so now and has done nothing to earn money. He does chores and has taken over cleaning the kitchen (which I appreciate), but it's not enough. Times are tight right now and we have two teenagers that we are taking care of. Everyone works all day (dh and I both have full-time jobs and the teens' full-time jobs are school and their activities) but him. A healty, able-bodied 22-year old man should not be surfing the web, watching tv, doing a few chores, and napping all day while he's enjoying my roof over his head and eating my food. I've told him a couple of times, but finally had to have a serious sit-down with him. Finally got him out to apply for a job right down the street that would be perfect for him. Once he gets a job, he is going to start chipping in. | |
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Mallie
Stuck In The Bucket
PeaNut 574,604
December 2012
Posts: 700
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 3/2/2013 9:28:04 AM
I'm an easygoing person, but not speaking to me is a line in the sand issue for me. (We all have our own hot button issues, of course. This is one of mine.)
If my adult dd who owed me money and was living free at home stopped speaking to me, she'd be given one warning and her stuff would be on the front porch. No one lives in my house free and doesn't speak to me. That's totally disrespectful. No way would she be allowed to get away with this behavior. Actually, now that I think about it, that's total user bullshit to take my money, my food, my room and not speak to me. Out. I will not be used in my own home. | |
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Georgiapea
Mom to the Wild Things.
PeaNut 96,783
July 2003
Posts: 26,421
Layouts: 0
Loc: Poss-a-Dillo Hill, Ozark, AL
| Posted: 3/2/2013 9:31:19 AM
Her not speaking to you isn't worth the money she owes you? Oh, yes, it surely is. Very much so. You really want to teach her that her debts can be ignored by merely displaying bad behavior?
Does she put her feet under your table? I would not be preparing meals for someone who wasn't speaking to me. One less place setting at the table should get the message across. She wants to eat, she can do it somewhere else.
Stop feeling sorry for her. At 22, she should be working full time and actually living on her own. You need to facilitate that happening by not being such a doormat. | |
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Deigh PEA
G'ma to four adorable grandkids!
PeaNut 124,219
January 2004
Posts: 7,271
Layouts: 0
Loc: Louisiana
| Posted: 3/2/2013 9:36:46 AM
Your daughter knew you had wanted the loan repaid by the first. If she has a problem with paying it back, she shouldn't have borrowed from you. Had it been the bank she borrowed from, they'd expect repayment on the 1st and then some interest.
She'll come around eventually, I wouldn't worry. She's just a little upset that she really had to pay you back. |
Don't worry about the people in your past; there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
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I-95
It's all just nonsense anyway!
PeaNut 97,456
July 2003
Posts: 19,544
Layouts: 0
Loc: California, NY & Orlando
| Posted: 3/2/2013 9:49:19 AM
Since I rarely look at the name of the Pea posting, I may have you mixed up with another Pea, but are you the one who posted recently about this child? About her needing a full time job and moving out of your house?
If so, it doesn't come as much of a surprise that she's using the silent treatment on you. She is immature and behaving accordingly. I'd thank her for the payment, in a nice cheery tone, then ignore her. If her pouting starts to affect the rest of the family, tell her that attitude is unacceptable to everyone else, and politely ask her to leave the room until she has an attitude adjustment.
Advising you to tell her to move is a great idea, in theory, but since she's' barely scraping by now, telling her to move is akin to throwing her out in the street. Not something many of us would be willing to do to our own children. If I remember correctly, you have set a date for her to move, right? | |
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Pamelou
BucketHead
PeaNut 99,641
August 2003
Posts: 789
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 3/2/2013 11:36:48 AM
We have a saying at our house: they get mad, they'll get glad. Just a matter of time. | |
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Free~Bird
Honorary Bearcat!
PeaNut 104,551
September 2003
Posts: 9,931
Layouts: 3
Loc: Missouri
| Posted: 3/2/2013 11:54:12 AM
While that sounds easy enough...but she's barely scraping together enough to repay me money she owes me. The reason she isn't speaking to me is because she probably barely had enough for this months repayment. I kind of feel like how do you get something that isn't there? Now if she had plenty of money, that would be a great solution. I just don't think it's totally feasible currently.
Then I guess she gets a second (3rd/4th) part time job at mcdonalds or pizza hut until she can pay her bills. Isn't that what you'd do if you had a mortage payment coming up, or you you needed to feed your kids?
You said she was working part-time:
"but hey if you can afford fun and not work full-time i'm unsympathetic!"
Sounds like maybe you ARE sympathetic.
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NanaKate
My Grandkids Are Cuter Than Yours! ;)
PeaNut 135,321
March 2004
Posts: 9,741
Layouts: 0
Loc: Baytown, TX
| Posted: 3/2/2013 12:22:31 PM
This isn't just "someone" not speaking to you. It's your own daughter - who lives under your roof. Unacceptable! |
Kathie
"Write it on your heart that those you love are the greatest gifts of all." | |
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freecharlie
Is the pool open yet?
PeaNut 109,127
September 2003
Posts: 19,245
Layouts: 4
Loc: Colorado
| Posted: 3/2/2013 12:31:13 PM
I would be seriously annoyed if someone sent me a reminder the day a payment was due. I don't like being pestered and she wasn't even late then.
Perhaps the DD has been late before. Or, like me, the first of the month snuck up on me this month because while I *know* that February only has 28 days, my routine is to mail certain bills on the 24th. That wouldn't have cut it this month. |
| Tribbey: I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the first, fourth, fifth, and ninth amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him! [to Ainsley] Nice meeting you | |
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about_to_pea
PeaAddict
PeaNut 104,674
September 2003
Posts: 1,901
Layouts: 47
Loc: Michigan
| Posted: 3/2/2013 1:02:56 PM
If someone doesnt want to talk to me I wouldnt force them. That would not make me want to talk to anyone I didnt want to talk to. You already made a choice to put some cash over your feelings anyway so why be mad at her?
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lovestorun
PeaNut 90,754
June 2003
Posts: 6,973
Layouts: 38
Loc: So Cal
| Posted: 3/2/2013 2:04:53 PM
I'm not sure how people are under the impression she's paying and prompt. I doubt the OP just started sending bill reminders the first time she was late. I get a bill in the mail every month, she gets her bill via text. I don't understand the logic of being annoyed. | |
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*Leslie*
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 33,199
March 2002
Posts: 8,103
Layouts: 15
Loc: Southern California
| Posted: 3/2/2013 2:27:17 PM
Honestly, I would be annoyed at your text. I don't think it warrants her behavior, but unless she is habitually late at making the payment (you don't mention this), I would lay off the day-before reminders. Maybe this is playing into her attitude as well...
I would be seriously annoyed if someone sent me a reminder the day a payment was due. I don't like being pestered and she wasn't even late then.
You said money was left while you were out.
Then you post at 7pm last night you are getting the silent treatment.
Goodness.. how often do you talk to your adult daughter in the run of a day. You were at work most of the day, she was doing her thing, it was barely dinner hour when you posted she was giving you the silent treatment.
What is your expectations here?
I agree with the above. I would be annoyed too. Next month don't send her a text. Maybe she will surprise you. |
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momto4kiddos
PeaAddict
PeaNut 429,864
July 2009
Posts: 1,090
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 3/2/2013 2:38:56 PM
Since I rarely look at the name of the Pea posting, I may have you mixed up with another Pea, but are you the one who posted recently about this child? About her needing a full time job and moving out of your house?
If so, it doesn't come as much of a surprise that she's using the silent treatment on you. She is immature and behaving accordingly. I'd thank her for the payment, in a nice cheery tone, then ignore her. If her pouting starts to affect the rest of the family, tell her that attitude is unacceptable to everyone else, and politely ask her to leave the room until she has an attitude adjustment.
Advising you to tell her to move is a great idea, in theory, but since she's' barely scraping by now, telling her to move is akin to throwing her out in the street. Not something many of us would be willing to do to our own children. If I remember correctly, you have set a date for her to move, right?
You have a good memory! You are correct, she is immature. I did tell her last week that she needed to move out by a certain date. I did this because of other problems we've been having with her being here. I'd hoped that instead of tossing her out on the street we'd come to an agreement that she'd start behaving like an adult!
I've come to realize that there is a pattern here and that I think she's doing this on purpose because she has a plan to leave and she wants me to be the bad guy (seems odd I know, but she's immature and immature people separate oddly!)
I know there were questions, but I can't remember them all and haven't time to scroll through again right this minute. One thing that was talked about though was the loan and my reminder. The loan was a large loan which she repays EVERY month. Every month I remind her in person after the 1st has passed that she needs to pay me. So the text reminder really wasn't out of line, she "forgets" pretty much every month! | |
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emmafrost
BucketHead
PeaNut 486,917
November 2010
Posts: 596
Layouts: 0
Loc: Maryland
| Posted: 3/2/2013 2:47:07 PM
Where is she if you don't see her at all? You are doing the right thing by collecting the money. When you see her, just be your usual pleasant self and give no vibe that you even recognize that she isn't speaking to you. Then if she acts like she is ignoring you, ask her if she is. From there give her her real life alternatives to living with you. |
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craftsbycarolyn
PeaAddict
PeaNut 415,672
March 2009
Posts: 1,459
Layouts: 0
Loc: Ohio
 | Posted: 3/2/2013 3:00:59 PM
Yeah, I get pissed when my bills are due, too...but than I rather live in a house than on the street LOL!
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*Delphinium Twinkle*
I'm just a pea:)
PeaNut 163,613
August 2004
Posts: 68,231
Layouts: 236
Loc: *Sunny Southern California*
| Posted: 3/3/2013 12:10:38 AM
Honestly, I'm not a very social person, so if someone stops talking to me or calling I'm fine with it.
One less person to talk to |
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