My "Baby" Girl Had Her Heart Broken Today
Post ReplyPost New TopicPosted 3/8/2013 by MellyW in NSBR Board
 

MellyW
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Posted: 3/8/2013 11:22:35 PM

I'm so sad for her. Her first long term boyfriend (nearly 3 years) broke up with her today (she's 19). It really, truly was completely out of the blue, she had no idea he was feeling this way. He decided a week ago to break up, so he was nice & calm telling her, while she broke down, which I know just made it worse for her.

I'm worried about her, she's been having some pretty bad depression problems. She's a freshman Bio-Medical Engineer major, Pre-Med minor. It's a tough, tough schedule & it's wearing her down, freshman blues, all that. She's back in counseling, but, boy, this isn't going to help.

Of course, I'm torked. She didn't go to her first choice college so they wouldn't be apart, & that's weighing on her too. I told her her no reason she can't go now, everything happens for a reason.

Ugg, sure wish I could have protected her from this. Thought the hard Mom moments were behind us, so hard to see her broken hearted. And damn, wish he'd given her even a little hint he was unhappy, he really blind-sided her.

And, man, it's hard to not pull out all the old cliches, even though they apply. But your baby with the broken heart doesn't want to hear everything happens for a reason, everything works out in the end, even if it is true!

Thanks for listening, broken hearts suck!

scorPEAo
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Posted: 3/8/2013 11:26:23 PM
A broken heart is hard to witness. I remember having mine broken at 16 and my mom pulling out the cliches. NOT what a 16 y/o wants to hear. I hope you dd gets through this without it affecting her studies. Good luck!



WImomma
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Posted: 3/8/2013 11:39:59 PM
Poor girl. I remember those days, and I dread having to go through that with my DD. I hope she does switch to her first choice college. A different scenery might help.



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Snowsilver
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Posted: 3/8/2013 11:47:09 PM
Oh, Melly, I have so been there! My son's girlfriend of 3 years broke up with him just before college too. Totally blindsided him as well. He was absolutely devastated. In some ways he had it coming--she was a beautiful, popular girl and he treated her with more than a bit of "I am Male, Hear Me Roar!" arrogance. She finally tired of it and dumped him and he was so destroyed I actually worried he might do something scary.

He literally did not laugh (at least genuinely) for two years--it was that bad. He loved that girl so much. I cannot tell you how my heart broke for him. And there was nothing I could do. When he was little, I could pick him up and kiss the boo boos away. But when they are grown, you can only hurt with them.

They ended up both going to the same college in England their sophomore year and got back together for awhile. But eventually that ended too, but he took it better that time. She came back to the States after that year ended and another, even more amazing girl caught his attention his junior year--a relationship that lasted for several years.

Today he is married to the most wonderful, beautiful girl imaginable and they are very much in love. He looks back at that broken heart and still cringes a bit, mostly because he feels he made an "ass" of himself. But I remember how hurt he was and how dreadful I felt. And I brought out all the cliches too--and they were every one correct. But not what he wanted to hear at the time .

My heart hurts a bit for you because I remember that time so clearly. I'll say a prayer for your little girl tonight.


Elise

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Luvnlifelady
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Posted: 3/8/2013 11:53:54 PM
We haven't gone through it yet, but with DD turning 16 next week, I'm sure it's not far behind. That will be so hard to watch. I hope your DD bounces back quickly.



MellyW
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Posted: 3/9/2013 12:19:41 AM
Oh, Elise, you brought tears to my eyes with your post. I haven't been all about he's a bad guy (he's not, he was a really great first boyfriend), let her know it takes two to tango, & she can grow & learn from mistakes she made. I just wish he had given even a little hint, somehow prepared her. She just had no clue. I know she's a little in shock because of it. Like you, I worry about her doing something drastic. Her Dad & I have aksed her to please, please tell us if she gets desperate, we will move heaven & earth to get her more help.

She's expressed that she feels more than a little humiliated, he'd talked all week about this with his parents. She truly admired them, & she feels diminished in their eyes now.

And she's darn confused. He told her he still loves her, but doesn't think they can work their issues out (even though the wanker never let on he had these feelings). Told her she learned a lesson today, that there are better ways of breaking up with someone, & that may be a very valuable lesson at some point.


Ugg, time will heal, & thank you all for the kind thoughts for my DD.


ETA- That is so nice to hear Elise, that you have a wonderful DIL. Has to make those memories of his broken heart not sting as much.

gar
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Posted: 3/9/2013 3:05:27 AM
They're still our babies aren't they and it's hard to see them hurt I hope she's feeling happy again before too long.






"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."

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TheBiscuitScraps
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Posted: 3/9/2013 5:57:53 AM
Mine are in their 30s and no matter how old they get, it hurts to see them hurt.


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PeawithChemistry
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Posted: 3/9/2013 6:12:12 AM

I'm worried about her, she's been having some pretty bad depression problems. She's a freshman Bio-Medical Engineer major, Pre-Med minor. It's a tough, tough schedule & it's wearing her down, freshman blues, all that. She's back in counseling, but, boy, this isn't going to help.
I don't know if this helps at all, but my professors in college used to call the end of February through the beginning of March the hardest time of the year. Kids were just worn out from bad weather and hard classes, with no end in sight. They would actually set up counselling in the student union for about three weeks because there were so many break ups and break downs. I was at an engineering school, so I know how it can get to you. The good thing is that spring break comes and then everything is downhill until finals. Things do get easier. We were told get to keep our noses down and tough it out and not make any big decisions until after spring break. It was a slog, but we all made it, for better or worse.

Peabay
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Posted: 3/9/2013 6:39:12 AM
It's so awful. I'm sorry for your dd and I'm sorry for you. It never gets easier. The best advice my mom gave me after a terrible breakup was "this too shall pass" (said kindly, not with "oh, get over it" tones.) Just remind her that this sadness is temporary, that time heals all wounds. Sometimes time takes its time, but she will feel better eventually. Holding on to that hope can get you through dark times.



styxgirl
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Posted: 3/9/2013 8:38:55 AM
Oh MellyW, I feel so bad for your DD! I think she should switch to her first choice college now too.

I have two girls, only 8 and 10 now and I am not ready for anyone to cause them heartbreak!


. I remember having mine broken at 16 and my mom pulling out the cliches. NOT what a 16 y/o wants to hear.


Help me with these ... I need to know so I don't mess up!


Nicole

Donna in GA
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Posted: 3/9/2013 8:48:01 AM
I remember when my son and his first serious girlfriend broke up. He was so devastated and just sobbed. It broke my heart. I told him I understood how he felt. At first he did not believe me, but then I told him about being dumped by my first fiance and how hurt I was. He really did see that I knew what he was going through then. My own personal heartache came in handy for once.


desertgirl
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Posted: 3/9/2013 10:03:47 AM
So sorry to hear this. And you are being a loving mom to feel this way. I have BTDT twice with my dd and it is so hard, so hard. You want them to learn lessons from life and move on from it. But feelings are feelings, especially when she had no advanced "warnings" from him.

I try to remember how it was for me, much like Peabay's post about her mom's wise words. And we all made it through. Each day was so hard. I hated seeing dd disappointed, feeling like she had done something "wrong" and down on herself. She eventually moved on with lots of help from friends, her studies, and just getting outdoors to renew and refresh. I think nature helps us recover.

I like the idea of her at least looking into her first college choice but not to "get over" this. She is a person of worth, in her own right, and with goals and dreams apart from this young man who broke her heart. Perhaps she can look into this other college once she is through the next couple of weeks of intense emotion, if only to explore the possibilities.

Hang in there, Mama. Out there is a very fortunate young man who will adore her!

~*kristina*~
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Posted: 3/9/2013 10:19:40 AM
It's awful to see our kids go through their "first love". Our DS was dumped by his girlfriend of a year (an eternity in high school) last year and it broke my heart how devastated he was. She ripped his heart out and stomped on it and the only thing I responded to him with was that he didn't deserve to be treated the way she treated him and both his dad and I were there if he wanted to talk about it. It took him months to get over her and here we are a year later and he just went out on a date with another girl for the first time a couple of weeks ago.





Mewcat
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Posted: 3/9/2013 10:25:29 AM
Told her she learned a lesson today, that there are better ways of breaking up with someone, & that may be a very valuable lesson at some point.



There is wisdom in that advice. I have BTDT. [[hugs]] to you are your DD.


~*Melissa*~

benem
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Posted: 3/9/2013 10:48:56 AM
Wait she skipped her 1st choice school for him and he breaks up with her??? And never tells her there's a problem so she can work it out???

What a jerk!!!


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gar
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Posted: 3/9/2013 10:57:17 AM

I remember having mine broken at 16 and my mom pulling out the cliches. NOT what a 16 y/o wants to hear.


Help me with these ... I need to know so I don't mess up!


I assume scorPEAo meant things like "Oh, s/he's not the only fish in the sea/it's only puppy love/it obviously wasn't meant to be..." stuff like that, which we, with experience, may know to be true but can make it seem like we're not taking their feelings seriously.






"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."

Stephen Roberts


Maryland
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Posted: 3/9/2013 11:13:23 AM
Sorry to hear that. Haven't gone through it yet with our oldest. But my neighbor's son is 17 and a sr. Has his first girlfriend and after 3 months she broke up with him. She didn't treat him very well. So the mom was telling me how bad you feel for your kid when that happens. But she also used the experience to tell her son that he needs a girl that will treat him with respect.

My daughter took this sweet boy to Homecoming. My husband and I think he is just perfect! Well, he really liked my daughter and she didn't feel the same way. She is 15 (sophomore) and he is 14 (freshman). It broke my heart! So I think break ups will be much harder on me than my daughters!

I guess because we have all girls we are excited for them to have a boyfriend. My husband will love having another guy around the house!


salt-of-the-earth
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Posted: 3/9/2013 11:18:11 AM
It is so very hard, I know firsthand too ... I've been the person broken up with and I've watched my DS go through it. You never can find the right words to say, it's like a healing process has to happen filled with second guessing, confusion, anger, hurt...and then slowly but surely comes the feeling that you are going to keep going and move on to other opportunities in life. Sometimes that next special person shows up quickly, sometimes it takes a long time ... either way is ok and either way it's a time to get to know yourself better vs living as a couple.






Weasel
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Posted: 3/9/2013 11:35:00 AM
Hugs out to your daughter. I can totally relate to this .....

The same exact thing happened with my daughter. A freshman out to college and the boyfriend breaks up with her. Not that I blame him, it is what it is, but it's just so difficult to see your loved one going through this.

It was very hard but I can only say to just be there for her. I received many many calls late into the night, went down to her college on weekends to see her and did get a book for her about relationships to read. Not going to lie, it was hard, but she made it.

In fact today, he's now the one after her again, 3 years later, but the shoes on the other foot this time .... he wants a relationship and she's grown and experienced more in life, than just him and isn't ready for a commitment.

Take care ~ Hang in there ~ = )






MellyW
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Posted: 3/9/2013 12:26:33 PM

Peawithchemistry- thank you for your post. It's been an another life lesson that everything isn't going to come easy for her. She was the proverbial straight A, school is so easy kid. And then she headed to college, in her choosen major, & HELLO! Her schools Biomedical Engineering schedule is damn tough. She did AP, tested out of her basic courses, so she doesn't even have an English course to break up the non-stop science, math.

I guess one good thing, she's commuting from home, so we get to see her & really make sure she is O.K. And if she does stay with her current school, she's moving into a dorm/apartment. It's what her Dad & I really wanted her to do, she misses a lot of clubs & just fun by commuting (& yeah, she commuted because of the boyfriend, he's in the local college).

I know she'll be O.K, even excell. When she isn't so raw, we'll talk again about if she wants to switch colleges. I've even gently brought up if possibly he wasn't part of the depression, by not really being involved in college life & not going to her first choice school to be with him.

Thanks for helping me out Pea's. I'm married to my High School sweetheart, so I don't have experience with this. Last guy I split with was in 10th grade, we'd dated for 2 weeks & it was a mutual break-up. Not quite the same! Thanks again, I know in my old age everything happens for a reason, but I sure didn't want to blurt that out.

jrenae
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Posted: 3/9/2013 1:59:27 PM
Poor girl. I empathize. I had it bad the beginning of my senior year of high school. It really messed me up for awhile - even after high school. To add insult to injury, my dad came back full force on being the abusive douche he was, because my boyfriend wasn't around anymore to intimidate him. Nice, huh?

I know she won't see it now, but it will get better. I know what you mean about the cliches though.


...Jill


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tamhugh
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Posted: 3/9/2013 4:28:17 PM
It may not help to hear now when she is hurting, but it really does get better for them. My DS had the same girlfriend throughout college. It was a very rocky relationship and it cut him off from us to some degree, and from a lot of his friends. She dumped him a week before his finals senior year (last April). He was crushed and very bitter. Over Christmas, he met up with a girl he knew in high school and they went on a few dates. He said he knows it won't develop into anything, but it felt good to go out and be in a normal dating situation again after so long. And recently, he told me that all of his friends tell him how much more pleasant he is to be around now that he is happy again.

FurryPea
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Posted: 3/9/2013 6:35:18 PM
It is the cycle of life. I remember my broken heart when I was a teen. Looking back now, I actually appreciate having gone through that.

If the BF was not actually douche bag. I don't see anything wrong that he did not hint at anything. While I can sympathize with you and your daughter, it's not like they were married and he owed it to her to work it out. You can't make someone be with you if they don't want to be anymore.

They are in college. A new phase in their life. It would have been worse if he didn't break up with her and ended up cheating on her. At least I think so.

I'm sorry. I know she's your baby. But she'll only be stronger from this...




writermom1
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Posted: 3/9/2013 6:43:58 PM
I'm so sorry. You know it's normal and probably a good step but that doesn't make the pain easy to see.



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joscraps
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 3/9/2013 8:49:00 PM
Oh Melly. I hope she heals soon. I had my heart broken a couple of times and it hurts like hell. Sounds like you and your DH are being proactive in being there for her.

P.S I move back to the UK on Friday!!!!!!!!! I am so excited!


Jo


MellyW
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Posted: 3/9/2013 10:42:36 PM

Joscraps- So wonderful you're back in the U.K! That made my day.

Speaking of, the first boy to have a crush on her, way back when they were 5, offered to fly over the pond & beat up the ex. He's a Police Officer in England now, & it made my DD smile that he still has her back after all these years. Love that kid (though I'm not sure I can call a U.K Police Officer a kid anymore).

joscraps
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 3/10/2013 7:34:36 AM
Haha! That is sweet!


Jo

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