new update- controlled teen daughter-update

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Posted 4/7/2013 by helphelp in NSBR Board
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helphelp
Just one more post!

PeaNut 584,404
March 2013
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Posted: 4/7/2013 8:24:12 AM
I went to the therapist on Thursday and she validated everything I and all of you feel about the situation. She feels we are not dealing with a normal young boy who is jealous but someone with a serious illness that he will struggle with his whole life.

My daughter has not been allowed to be with him for a couple weeks now and the therapist feels I should cut the phone and facebook as well. I have not taken it that far simply because of the retaliation that I fear will happen with the boy and his unstable mother.

On Friday, the mother went through my boards on Pinterest and made a rude comment on a encouraging quote type pin I had pinned many weeks ago. The quote was about parenting. She rambled on about how I am a bad parent and such. (Reminder, she has 6 kids to 5 men and only one lives with her. She also just went to court for welfare fraud.) She then shared my pin and her rude reply on facebook so my daughter could see it. It is so juvenile it is painful. I am not dealing with an adult here.

I do not want to upset them too much with the fear they may tell even more people about the pregnancy (6 weeks) against my daughters wishes.

My daughter is not doing well. She is currently making all sorts of excuses for the boy. She tells me that he is not telling her what to ware and how to act as much. Her brother and I just cry to her that he is backing down on things like that now because "he has her hooked". He has her where he wants her. She is either in school or bed. She is still insisting he is getting better every day.

The reality of everything is hitting her hard about her senior year, about prom, about senior pictures, about graduation, about picking her college, and all those things she SHOULD be experiencing in the next year.

I would be so grateful for more advise on handling these people and helping my daughter.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.



arianwen
PeaNut

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Posted: 4/7/2013 8:34:37 AM
Thanks for the update, I have been thinking of you
I have three teen dds and I hope they never end up in a situation like this.

What are her thoughts on the pregnancy?


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genny
BucketHead

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Posted: 4/7/2013 8:54:05 AM
So glad you updated. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been waiting for an update.

I can only say don't give in to her. Get HER to a therapist right away. If you haven't already contacted your local women's shelter please do so! Our women's shelter has radio ads playing constantly right now about teen abuse - this controlling behavior is, in fact, emotional abuse. Even if he's never laid a hand on her, she is in an abusive relationship. The scars from emotional abuse are far more difficult to overcome than bruises or broken bones. (I speak from experience).

To echo the poster above, what are her thoughts on the pregnancy? This is such a crucial point in the whole situation. I know of TWO fantastic, amazing couple right now who want to adopt after years of trying and failing, even after IVF, so there are people out there who would be thrilled to love that baby if that is one of the options. ( I know it's still early on to consider that, but just wanted to mention it)

The mom sounds like a complete whack-job. When you get a restraining order against him, you guys might want to look into getting one against her as well. It seems like she is not going to let this lie - but I don't know the requirements, you really need to call your local PD and find out!

I have thought of you guys often since your last post - I'll be praying for you both. Please take some of these protective steps the Peas have already suggested. I'm so afraid this is going to spiral even further out of control very quickly...I can't imagine how difficult and consuming this is for you. I'm so so sorry y'all are dealing with it.


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Carolina dorkburger

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Posted: 4/7/2013 8:55:06 AM
Thanks for the update.

While I'm glad some progress is being made, you really, REALLY need to cut him off from her completely. Like 100%. If she has any sort of contact with him, he's still going to have control.

Stop worrying about retaliation. Be a mama bear and look out for your daughter.


---
Kelly


Christine58
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Posted: 4/7/2013 8:57:30 AM
I hope your daughter gets some help...can you go to a domestic violence shelter and find someone for her to talk to?? Is there a pea here whose daughter might have gone through the same thing that could?? She needs a wake up call

Oh and you so need to block that mother on your pinterest and facebook page.



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voltagain
OklaPhoma

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Posted: 4/7/2013 9:09:29 AM
I have not taken it that far simply because of the retaliation that I fear will happen with the boy and his unstable mother.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I am saying this as gently as possible. I've been in your dd's shoes. If the adults in her life are too fearful to cut contact where do you think your dd will get the strength to do it on her own?

She needs for you to be strong and fearless if she has a chance of getting out of this. Her strength, initially, will come from the behavior you model. If you model acquiescence and not rocking the boat with him then don't be surprised that she lives out the behavior you model for her.


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Kelpea
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Posted: 4/7/2013 9:09:56 AM
I don't understand. You saw what the Peas here wrote to you; they were, quite frankly, extremely concerned for your daughter. Why can't you cut ties completely and either take your child somewhere safe (out of state with friends/family) or somewhere else like a shelter? I'm sorry, but this is far from over...and I, too, am worried about your child.



dalayney
Shut the PEA UP! Yer gettin me all twitterpaited!

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Posted: 4/7/2013 9:25:25 AM
Honestly, you yourself need to think of this as a life or death situation. I also agree w/whoever said finding some way to take her to a woman's shelter (depending if the shelter would allow it) and see first hand what some of these women go through. Love doesn't "fix" control. It never has. Have you ever heard of a controlling person stop being that way?

Have her watch sleeping w/the enemy 10 times. Does she want her life to be that way?

I feel so bad for you and your precious daughter. Prayers that you can safetly get away from this guy.



helphelp
Just one more post!

PeaNut 584,404
March 2013
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Posted: 4/7/2013 9:30:48 AM
You are right! I need to model strong behavior. I never looked at it that way. My thinking was, I did not want to upset them because I fear what they may say. She is trying to hide the pregnancy still since it is early. They are so different than anyone I know. They do not care what they say or how foolish or trashy they look.

She is never left alone. We have a team of five adults who are with her all the time except at school. The therapist wants a trusted contact at school for her as well and we are in the process of working on that.

I am trying to convince her that his current "not so bad" state is just temporary.

Free~Bird
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now

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Posted: 4/7/2013 9:31:22 AM
If everyone just sits there paralyzed, all he does is get stronger. Is it hard? God yes. Is it scary? Very much so.

This falls on you. All squarely on you. Man up. You're teaching her that women do nothing, when you do nothing. It's time to do it, if you don't she is as good as a dead woman in my opinion.


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WinoGirl
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Posted: 4/7/2013 9:34:32 AM

She is currently making all sorts of excuses for the boy. She tells me that he is not telling her what to ware and how to act as much. Her brother and I just cry to her that he is backing down on things like that now because "he has her hooked". He has her where he wants her. She is either in school or bed. She is still insisting he is getting better every day.


She is falling into the trap. He does have her hooked and if he is backing down at all, it's only because he knows he could still lose her at this point if he comes on too strong. Once he has her completely, he will be worse than she could ever imagine and this will likely have a tragic ending.

Get her to a therapist asap. You have to be strong and not worry about retaliation. Time to save her is ticking.


ilovecookies
PeaFixture

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Posted: 4/7/2013 9:36:05 AM
I cannot believe that you haven't shut down her facebook and at least changed her phone number. As for all the pinterest crap, why even take the time to mess around with that shit? Shut that down, too.

I did not want to upset them because I fear what they may say.

Um, this will probably sound hurtful, but I don't mean it that way. You need to quit worrying about "upsetting" them or what they might say. These people sound like utter and complete trash from the way you have described them. Why in the hell are you worrying about what they say or do on facebook or pinterest? Or even who they're talking to and what they're saying???? The time for worrying about what's said, rumors, and all that other petty shit is long gone. Your daughter's safety-and her future-are at stake and that's all you need to be concerned with.

Your daughter needs to be in a DV shelter or you need to send her to relatives or something. The only way to get rid of an abuser is to remove yourself from them and cut off all ties-and all his means of access.

Your daughter will continue to waffle with her feelings for quite a while. She needs serious counseling and support. Normal is no longer possible-at least not for a while.

You need to get her away from this guy. I really hope you're able to channel some strength-that girl needs someone to be strong for her until she is able to work through all this and be strong for herself.



Free~Bird
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now

PeaNut 104,551
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Posted: 4/7/2013 9:37:33 AM
This is the weakest this connection is EVER going to be. It's now or never. If you let this connection continue, it will get much stronger after the baby is born. Once she turns 18, he owns both their asses.

BTW, where is her father? I don't think I've seen you mention him yet.

One of my friend's daughter was in a somewhat similar situation, although not this bad.
Guess what happened to her, as she was holding the baby in the front yard of the house they shared? He stabbed her in the chest.
she is ok, he's in jail for attempted murder and the girl moved back with her parents.

It took attempted murder to separate them and she still made excuses!! Your daugher's situation is much worse. What is it going to take to separate THEM?


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plkelley
PeaNut

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Posted: 4/7/2013 9:44:58 AM
Facebook and Pintertest do not matter. Take down her accounts and yours as well. Who cares what they say about you? Take her cell phone away. Don't just change the number. Also drag her by the hair to the abortion clinic, if you have to. Having this baby will RUIN her life.

edited to add: I would also consider removing her from school.

scrapohio
PeaNut

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Posted: 4/7/2013 9:48:21 AM
Take down her Facebook. Take away her phone. Be the mom. A strong mom. It's now or never.
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Julee
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Posted: 4/7/2013 9:49:06 AM
I honestly was hoping your update was more like things have been locked down, she's scheduled with a therapist, and a domestic violence counselor, and charges/restraining orders have been looked into, and/or plans have been made for her to live elsewhere for the time being. SOMETHING!

Not that you've seen a counselor but have ignored the suggestions of cutting all contact, and an update of the boyfriend's mother's activity on Pinterest. And that you're looking for more advice.

ETA -


The reality of everything is hitting her hard about her senior year, about prom, about senior pictures, about graduation, about picking her college, and all those things she SHOULD be experiencing in the next year.


Her reality is so much bleaker than missing these experiences.


=)Julee

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myshelly
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Posted: 4/7/2013 9:51:44 AM

Facebook and Pintertest do not matter. Take down her accounts and yours as well. Who cares what they say about you? Take her cell phone away. Don't just change the number. Also drag her by the hair to the abortion clinic, if you have to. Having this baby will RUIN her life.

edited to add: I would also consider removing her from school.


This.

Disconnect the Internet.

Take away her phone.

Delete FB and pinterest accounts - both yours and hers.

Homeschool her.

Talk to her about an abortion.

You can't be afraid. You are the adult. Take control of the situation. If you can't do it, how do you expect her to?


Jjmikrut143
PeaAddict

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Posted: 4/7/2013 9:57:04 AM
In all honesty if this was my daughter this is what I would do..

I would Immedtily cut off ALL & ANY communication she could possibly have with him., weither she's against it or not.. Remember your daughter is only 17 you are still the parent and have these rights BY LAW!!
I would then go to the police station and file a restraining order.. Keep proof of EVERYTHING he has ever done along the way!!

Then I would explain to her that it is in the best Interset for her to have an abortion (I'm pro choice on this but I only feel like its the right thing to do if your in a horrible situation... I don't feel like a woman should have the right to abort another child if its used as a form of Birth control) anyways I would simiply explain to my daughter that if she didnt go ahead with the abortion that she could kiss high school goodbye, college her friends and ANY life she thinks she might have had because it will be almost impossible to have one if she has that baby & especially with that monster! I would take action yea she might rebel and say she hates you but in the long run she would thank you from not letting her ruin her life!!

She's only 17 she is not mentialy mature enough to know what she wants and how its going to seriously effect her life!! You need to stand up and take action and let it be that.. Don't give in! If it were me that boyfriend would have been gone A LONGGGGG time ago.. Just because that's the kinda person I am and how I was raised! But this kinda situation seems to happen way to often with younger girls and boys,, you need to be her mother and do whats necessary to protect your daughters life or this will only get worse!!! She's a candidt for domestic abuse.. And so is that baby if she has it with him!! All the signs are trust me it will happen!!

I wish you and your family the best of luck moving foward from this situation and i pray to god it all works out for you and your daughter!!! God bless

Btw.. If its still possible I WOULDN'T tell him about the pregnancy because that's only yet another issue he will control and it won't be good at all.. If he doesn't know yet this can easily be handled even if he did know., get the abortion. File the restrainting order and start moving on with your lives living him far far behind!!


Jennifer

luvmythree
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 4/7/2013 9:57:20 AM
If you haven't you need to take her and get a PFA, and when he contacts her ( or has someone else contact her) because he will call the police every single time.

Who cares what the other family says or thinks? I went thru so much BS with my ex, he made calls to my mom at work and told her when he got a hold of me and our daughter he was going to take us out and kill us.

The hatred he had for me and her I don't understand, he had tried on several occasions to kill me thank God he wasn't able to. I really hope and pray everything will be ok.


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PEArfect
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Posted: 4/7/2013 9:58:10 AM
Focus your time and energy more on your dd and less on the boy and his mom. Cancel the Pinterest and FB. Tell your dd that you aren't just doing it for her, but for yourself. You want to focus on her and the baby more and less on the drama. Take her to see a therapist. Tell her it's to help her talk about all of the changes she will be going through, and it will help her decide what she wants to do about the baby. I'm sure the therapist will discuss the father of the baby with her. This way she will hear what a third party feels about him and her situation. Maybe hearing it from someone other then her mother will make all the difference.

Good luck! I hope she starts to see him for who he really is.


Jen


helphelp
Just one more post!

PeaNut 584,404
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Posted: 4/7/2013 10:04:15 AM
I'm crying right now because you are all right. My attempt at protecting her reputation and keeping her secret by not upsetting those people is proof that I am weak and need to be even stronger with this.

I should not care if they are upset and talk about my daughter. Her life and whole future is much more important than the horrible reputation she will have for being pregnant and connected with this family.

I do feel she is safe since I have the four other adults to be with her when I am at work. The other adults know of the controlling issues, that I am working with a therapist, and everything we are doing to build her strength, but they do not know about the pregnancy. Her father is one of those people.


ilovecookies
PeaFixture

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Posted: 4/7/2013 10:12:45 AM

the horrible reputation she will have for being pregnant and connected with this family.


This isn't 1950. And, she's been connected with this family for quite a while now-with your permission. QUIT focusing on this kind of minutiae. And, for the love of Pete, do not say that kind of "horrible reputation" nonsense to her.

Get her away from the abuser. Also, it's time to come clean with her dad and anyone else who's helping.

It's time to quit playing around and trying to pretend like everything is normal and OK. It's so not, and you and the other adults in her life need to step it up quite a bit.




*Shannah*
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Posted: 4/7/2013 10:14:08 AM
I'm sorry, but who gives a $%^& about her reputation?? SHE DID THIS. She needs to figure out that protecting this boy is not only going to destroy her REPUTATION but her LIFE. I think she needs a slap of reality to deal with this, sorry. and good Lord woman, her FATHER doesn't even know the whole story? WHY THE HELL NOT???!!! EVERYONE needs to be telling this girl what the hell she's getting into, stop BABYING her.

Woobster
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Posted: 4/7/2013 10:15:28 AM

You are the adult. Take control of the situation.

This needs repeated over and over and over again... Until you get it.

Rhondito
MississiPEA

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Posted: 4/7/2013 10:16:34 AM
Honey, please take her to see a therapist. I think that is just as important as completely blocking him out of her life.

Take a deep breath and know that while it's going to be hard, you've got to be the strong one now - lay down the law and be her rock. You can do it... one day at a time.
You got this.


Rhonda



arianwen
PeaNut

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Posted: 4/7/2013 10:17:42 AM
I'm sorry??? Her father doesn't know about the pregnancy?

You have to tell him


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scrappin mama
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Posted: 4/7/2013 10:17:53 AM
Is your daughter willing to consider abortion? I never thought I would say something like this, but I think abortion is the only way for her to completely cut ties with this guy. Otherwise, they will be linked forever.

Epeanymous
PeaFixture

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Posted: 4/7/2013 10:22:11 AM
Yeah, in general I am a "leave it alone, discouraging the relationship makes it more romantic and forbidden" person, but between what you related on your last post and this one, it is time to shut this down and get her out. Cut off her contact with this boy and your contact with his family, period.

Free~Bird
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now

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Posted: 4/7/2013 10:22:26 AM

I'm crying right now because you are all right. My attempt at protecting her reputation and keeping her secret by not upsetting those people is proof that I am weak and need to be even stronger with this.


Her reputation is the least of your worries. You can't keep the pregnancy a secret for too long. A couple months maybe? Then what? You've done nothing to break the bond and now she's further along, and more likely than ever to keep the baby. (and probably should at that point).

You have to MOVE NOW. Not literally move, be actionable. Dammit *do something*. making sure she's with an adult is great, but that's not going to stop contact as long as there is facebook, a cell phone and she's going to school there.

You HAVE TO get them apart for a while. Once she's away from it for a while she'll be able to look from the outside in and see how fucked up it is.

Get her to Utah if she doesn't want to abort. First time I've ever recommended that as their adoption laws are WACK, but this time, they will protect her and that baby.


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My paintings on etsy:
Cease Watercolor Arts - Coupon code: imapea - 20% off for Peas!!



My Photography website and blog:
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Epeanymous
PeaFixture

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Posted: 4/7/2013 10:29:18 AM
Yeah, in general I am a "leave it alone, discouraging the relationship makes it more romantic and forbidden" person, but between what you related on your last post and this one, it is time to shut this down and get her out. Cut off her contact with this boy and your contact with his family, period.

voltagain
OklaPhoma

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Posted: 4/7/2013 10:41:45 AM
but they do not know about the pregnancy. Her father is one of those people. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

WHY?????? Is her dad an abuser? With your tiptoeing around I"m getting that suspcion. You don't rock the boat with boy. You don't rock the boat with your husband. Your dd has a life time of learning to give in to anything a male (or anyone else wants in order to not create waves. ????

Are you waiting for the boy to gleefully announce his right to see your dd who is carrying his child??? Just why the secrecy!!!


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Jumperhop
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Posted: 4/7/2013 11:01:45 AM
What about the pregnancy? Has she told him?
If it were my DD I would pack a suitcase and take her to my parents three states away.
Jen

mama nay
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 4/7/2013 11:02:24 AM

In all honesty if this was my daughter this is what I would do..

I would Immedtily cut off ALL & ANY communication she could possibly have with him., weither she's against it or not.. Remember your daughter is only 17 you are still the parent and have these rights BY LAW!!
I would then go to the police station and file a restraining order.. Keep proof of EVERYTHING he has ever done along the way!!

Then I would explain to her that it is in the best Interset for her to have an abortion (I'm pro choice on this but I only feel like its the right thing to do if your in a horrible situation... I don't feel like a woman should have the right to abort another child if its used as a form of Birth control) anyways I would simiply explain to my daughter that if she didnt go ahead with the abortion that she could kiss high school goodbye, college her friends and ANY life she thinks she might have had because it will be almost impossible to have one if she has that baby & especially with that monster! I would take action yea she might rebel and say she hates you but in the long run she would thank you from not letting her ruin her life!!

She's only 17 she is not mentialy mature enough to know what she wants and how its going to seriously effect her life!! You need to stand up and take action and let it be that.. Don't give in! If it were me that boyfriend would have been gone A LONGGGGG time ago.. Just because that's the kinda person I am and how I was raised! But this kinda situation seems to happen way to often with younger girls and boys,, you need to be her mother and do whats necessary to protect your daughters life or this will only get worse!!! She's a candidt for domestic abuse.. And so is that baby if she has it with him!! All the signs are trust me it will happen!!

I wish you and your family the best of luck moving foward from this situation and i pray to god it all works out for you and your daughter!!! God bless

Btw.. If its still possible I WOULDN'T tell him about the pregnancy because that's only yet another issue he will control and it won't be good at all.. If he doesn't know yet this can easily be handled even if he did know., get the abortion. File the restrainting order and start moving on with your lives living him far far behind!!


This. I totally agree.


~~Mama Nay~~

Julee
=)

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Posted: 4/7/2013 11:21:26 AM
Now, I'd be angry if I were your husband and you and her brother have known but not him. Aside from the strangeness of that alone, what underlying message does that relay to your daughter and your son?

Family counseling. Like, yesterday!


=)Julee

Still KeepingQuinn!
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TanyaB
Early Morning Pea-er

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Posted: 4/7/2013 11:26:50 AM
If your daughter has contact with him and his mother via phone and Facebook, things aren't going to change. Words are very powerful, and he'll continue to control her with those. I agree that she needs all ties cut. Try to look at this from the outside in and realize how serious of a situation it could become and why others are advising you to take more drastic measures to get her away from this family.

The pregnancy is going to be the bridge for this family to show their power and control over the situation. If you think it's bad now, wait until the baby comes. It'll be a whole new level of control and twice as scary.









tinkfan82
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Posted: 4/7/2013 11:28:34 AM
I have to say that I've been in your daughter's position. (I became pregnant after high school though). I married the guy. Things got worse and worse. He cheated, emotionally, physically, and verbally abused me. I FINALLY left when he started doing it to my oldest son as well.

My parents saw it. There was no way to miss it. I was to close to the situation and to young. BUT THEY DID NOTHING!!! And that still hurts me to this day. Their were times he would call my parents and tell them to pick me up because I was going crazy. They would, but they would never try to discuss anything, to find out what happened. All that happened BEFORE I married him. After the marriage? Well, I was stuck. I had no one to turn to. He had isolated me and all my friends were... gone.

I'm 31 and have an 11 and 7 y/o. I never got to finish college. I live paycheck to paycheck and I still have to deal with the ex because he has visitation rights. My kids HATE him. They tell me. I don't talk bad about him in front of them, but he has abused them while they were in his care and they don't want to visit him. I have tried to get only supervised visits for him, but the court system is SCREWED UP!!

I love my children. I would lay my life down for them. THEY are the reason I left my ex. I took the abuse, but once he started in on the kids, I couldn't justify it anymore. I HAD to be strong for them. I did not want them thinking that what their father did was okay.

Both my kids are in therapy and have been for about five years. I've been in therapy even longer. I have trouble trusting people and have a hard time dating - I never really know who a guy is. I HATE the fear and the pain I've caused my children and myself.

So, you're a mom. YOU be strong for her. Make the hard choices. YOU stand up for her. Listen to her. Explain to her what you're seeing. Look up the Duluth Model and show it to her. Have a conversation. Don't demand things or forbid things. It makes them that much more tempting. Make her aware of what you see and where it's leading. Let her read my story.

Sorry for the hijack. Whenever I see a story like this, I feel that I MUST get info out there. If I can save just one woman from the pain and heartache I went through, it's worth it.

doesitmatter?
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 4/7/2013 11:32:39 AM
Even though I hadnt yet replied, I read all of the old thread and think of your daughter daily. I married someone like her bf (although he didn't get that crazy until after I married him) and my heart breaks for her situation. I am writing out a longer pm to send you with resources etc. I just want to send you both hugs.

I also wondering how she feels about her pregnancy? Keeping the baby? Adoption? Though at this point she probably isn't sure what to do.

Thank you for the update and I'll send you a pm.

Eta - I definitely agree with having her cut all contact with the boy and his family - restraining order if he still attempts to contact her. New school or homeschool. I would also seriously think about relocating her with family out of state of taking her yourself to get away.

Also it sounded to me like the babies father knows of the pregnancy? She can still choose adoption without his consent - as he won't be able to prove he could care for the baby etc. Raising the baby and keeping him away will be very difficult - he has rights, deserving or not -and at the very least he would be given supervised visitation.

Ugh. Hugs and prayers.

2nd EtA - I didn't realize your dh/dds father doesn't know about her pregnancy. SHE needs to tell him and NOW. I also think your husbands role in helping your dd to breakaway from this boy is crucial - she needs his protection and nurturing, to change her views about how a man should treat someone he loves.


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Idahopea
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Posted: 4/7/2013 11:44:44 AM

In all honesty if this was my daughter this is what I would do..

I would Immedtily cut off ALL & ANY communication she could possibly have with him., weither she's against it or not.. Remember your daughter is only 17 you are still the parent and have these rights BY LAW!!
I would then go to the police station and file a restraining order.. Keep proof of EVERYTHING he has ever done along the way!!

Then I would explain to her that it is in the best Interset for her to have an abortion (I'm pro choice on this but I only feel like its the right thing to do if your in a horrible situation... I don't feel like a woman should have the right to abort another child if its used as a form of Birth control) anyways I would simiply explain to my daughter that if she didnt go ahead with the abortion that she could kiss high school goodbye, college her friends and ANY life she thinks she might have had because it will be almost impossible to have one if she has that baby & especially with that monster! I would take action yea she might rebel and say she hates you but in the long run she would thank you from not letting her ruin her life!!

She's only 17 she is not mentialy mature enough to know what she wants and how its going to seriously effect her life!! You need to stand up and take action and let it be that.. Don't give in! If it were me that boyfriend would have been gone A LONGGGGG time ago.. Just because that's the kinda person I am and how I was raised! But this kinda situation seems to happen way to often with younger girls and boys,, you need to be her mother and do whats necessary to protect your daughters life or this will only get worse!!! She's a candidt for domestic abuse.. And so is that baby if she has it with him!! All the signs are trust me it will happen!!

I wish you and your family the best of luck moving foward from this situation and i pray to god it all works out for you and your daughter!!! God bless

Btw.. If its still possible I WOULDN'T tell him about the pregnancy because that's only yet another issue he will control and it won't be good at all.. If he doesn't know yet this can easily be handled even if he did know., get the abortion. File the restrainting order and start moving on with your lives living him far far behind!!
This. If your daughter has this baby he will be able to get visitation rights and neither you or your daughter will have any control over what happens to that baby when it is with him. Read Tinkfan82's post above to see what she and her boys have been through. This whole situation is very scary and your daughter needs you to protect her!

Kelpea
Owner of "best tacky invitation" thread EVER

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Posted: 4/7/2013 11:48:12 AM
The father already knows. The former thread about this makes mention of that fact and the fact that the boy's mother is thrilled to pieces about being a grandmother. So, the jig is up on that score.

I had to come back to this thread because I couldn't stop thinking about it. OP, you have to take the next steps. It is not about you any longer. It is only about your child. How do I know? Because the worst thing I have ever had to do in my LIFE was to make the decision to have my son placed into a facility that would help him. For seven weeks. I think you need to stop caring about yourself and how you feel and get on track with what needs to happen for HER. Please.



lindywholoveskids
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 4/7/2013 11:50:37 AM
If you wait any longer things will just get worse.

You have gotten to therapy for yourself. That's good.
Can you ask the therapist for more specific help? You might be afraid of people's reactions.

You have been given lots of great suggestions. We all have heard of cases where boyfriends have found the girl and it's been ugly.

Your therapist should be working very hard to actually make everyone safe. You have to take her suggestions, and work through whatever it is that's holding you back.

don't wait. be honest with her father too.(unless he's a danger in some way)

Momof1sweet-lil-lad
& the Velcro dog

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Posted: 4/7/2013 11:57:53 AM
So basically, your family's social standing and reputation is more important than the safety of your daughter?

Seen it often. Will never understand the mentality. *smh*




The difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits. ~Albert Einstein

cdnstorelady
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 4/7/2013 12:07:45 PM
Why does your husband not know about this? Is he not her father? I disagree that your son needs to know but if I ever kept an importance piece of information about one of our children from my husband, he'd be very upset....it's his child too. Unless as another poster has suggested your husband may be violent or abusive and you're not wanting to cause him to do something harmful.

You haven't answered two important questions that several posters have asked? Why is your DD not in counselling? Will she not go?

What are her thoughts anout having this baby? Is abortion or adoption an option? I'm pro choice but don't believe that a teen pregnancy will necessarily "ruin" a girl's life. But in this case, with this boy and with his family, I would fear it would irreparably harm her future.

And as other posters have said, if you're not standing up to his family...how on earth is a scared teen ever going to? This isn't a case of needing to protect someone's reputation....it's to protect her life. Right now there are 5 adults protecting her every minute...how long will that last?...and these people (his family) don't seem to be the type to follow the rule...i.e. welfare fraud,etc... I don't think they'll respect a restraining order.

Please cut off her access to this guy and his family and if it's an option please encourage her to consider an abortion now, while she can easily tell him she miscarried. If your DH is very prolife and that's why you've not told him...rather than because he's abusive, I think if I was in your situation and my DD would consider an abortion, I would help her get one and deal with the fall out later.


Sarah*H
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Posted: 4/7/2013 12:16:18 PM
I am honestly confused. You have had dozens and dozens of posts giving you very good advice but all that's happened so far is that you've talked to your therapist? This isn't a wait and see and take your time kind of situation. You need to man up and get shit done. If she is going to have an abortion, you need to get that arranged or at least get her to someone qualified to counsel her on the options and the realities she is facing.

Your daughter needs to be connected with someone dealing with domestic violence tomorrow. It's more important than school. It's more important than her reputation. You need to cut off the internet and cancel the phone.

And the concern about her reputation? First of all, unless you suddenly broadcast it, what decisions your family makes, where you take her for counseling and what she chooses to do next are your business and no one will even know about it unless you decide to share. So the boy and/or his family might start talking trash. Apparently they are trash so what they have to say to anyone will likely matter very little. Deal with the things that matter and stop worrying about the little stuff.



fofana
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Posted: 4/7/2013 12:16:41 PM

I do feel she is safe since I have the four other adults to be with her when I am at work. The other adults know of the controlling issues, that I am working with a therapist, and everything we are doing to build her strength, but they do not know about the pregnancy. Her father is one of those people.




Am I the only one thinking we are dealing with a troll here?



Just T
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Posted: 4/7/2013 12:26:17 PM

I am honestly confused. You have had dozens and dozens of posts giving you very good advice but all that's happened so far is that you've talked to your therapist?


I agree! Why haven't you taken HER to a therapist? She desperately needs one, no matter how many adults are watching out for her. She needs a therapist more than you do, in my opinion.

SuzastampinCTMH
AncestralPea

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Posted: 4/7/2013 12:36:09 PM
As I read this, I think of the poor pea who's husband raped her and broke her back. I read on my iPad and have the screen large enough that I don't see pea names unless I scroll over, so If somebody could post a link to that thread, maybe the OP will understand just how dangerous these abusers can be when they don't get their own way.



helphelp
Just one more post!

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Posted: 4/7/2013 12:37:05 PM
Why did this have to turn from people really helping to people attacking and making assumptions.

I really find your advice and words, even when strong, very helpful
and empowering. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through
and I will forever be thankful for those who reached out to me.







Kelpea
Owner of "best tacky invitation" thread EVER

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Posted: 4/7/2013 12:43:56 PM

Why did this have to turn from people really helping to people attacking and making assumptions.


We are not making assumptions. We know from her previous thread how high the stakes are. It's a pretty serious situation and if SOMEone doesn't get OP's head straight, it's the CHILD who will suffer forever. Yes, it's that serious.



TraceyS
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 4/7/2013 12:48:09 PM
I agree with the peas who have encouraged you to focus your efforts on your daughter and less on the other family. They will do what they will do, and I doubt you can have much effect on that.

Your daughter is the one that you can impact more. She needs to see someone. She will not listen to you about this boy, because she thinks you have your own personal agenda. She needs to hear it from someone else. Someone who can appear to her more unbiased about the situation. I don't know if you ever said how long it will be before she turns 18, but I have the impression it may only be a few months? In that case, I would be concentrating all my efforts on getting her to see things clearly for herself, because that's the only thing that is going to work in the long run.

scrapmaven
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Posted: 4/7/2013 12:48:55 PM
If you're going to be intimidated by the mom, then how can dd not learn to be intimidated by the boyfriend? She needs you to be her advocate. That starts w/you contacting your local domestic violence group and getting her in for an appointment tomorrow. It's Monday and everyone will be open. She needs professional support and you might benefit from it, as well, just to learn how to take a stand and deal w/this craziness. He could retaliate or you could take a strong stand on her behalf and not allow this to progress. In order to find out how to best proceed you need a domestic violence counselor to give you guidance.

As for the unwed mother stuff, this is 2013. Protecting her reputation shouldn't even be on your radar. We don't live in the day and age where she'd be sent to a home for unwed mothers. We live in a day and age where there is support for your dd while she goes through a teen pregnancy. Your dd needs your support and she needs you to model handling crisis w/strength and calm. You can get through this. Cry UNCLE and call someone for help. That's what counselors at domestic violence agencies are there for. They're there for you.

ETA: So glad that you went to a therapist. Does she have resources to help you both handle the boyfriend and mom?


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