Does your DH have a past time that keeps him insanely busy?

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Posted 5/4/2013 by mikeswife in NSBR Board
 

mikeswife
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Posted: 5/4/2013 5:25:59 AM
DH has been a boyscout leader for years. The last of our sons is 15, just made eagle and is still going strong w/ his interest in scouts. Although I'm glad my dh and ds have this activity in common, sometimes I feel like scouts has taken over his life. He is also involved in a lot of extra BSA training weekends. He will be home one weekend in May and was gone almost every weekend in April. Some weeks he has 2 or 3 scout related meetings in the evenings. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself and extra lonely this weekend, but gosh sometimes I just want to be a priority, kwim??


Whatever you are, be a good one.

gar
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Posted: 5/4/2013 5:40:59 AM
I can understand that. Just because you understand his hobby doesn't mean you have to like the amount of time it takes him away from you. Have you spoken to him in plain terms about it?

My husband is in the same boat but his is work. I completely understand that being self employed means that if he doesn't work he doesn't earn and that we're very lucky that his business is thriving in difficult time, but sometimes I'd just love to be able to have more than one day a week with him home and for there not to be other stuff that then needs his attention other than me and having some free time together.





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peaname
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Posted: 5/4/2013 6:00:37 AM
Right now he does, it's baseball. He's the assistant coach for our 11 yo's team and our 6 yo's teeball team. So he has 3-4 games and 2-3 practices a week. Fortunately it's only in the spring.

Sorry hit submit too soon-

I think when he's spending time volunteering you have to be careful with your approach. It would be different if he was out a the bar and not with you but when he's helping the Boy Scouts he may feel that any amount of time or disruption in your family life is acceptable.


"People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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froggy one
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Posted: 5/4/2013 6:15:57 AM
Husband my husband drag races. Not only does he race he builds his engines. The last car he not only built the engine but painted the car himself. That means that he works on it through the week and races on the weekends.


Karen

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Posted: 5/4/2013 6:23:32 AM
What has he said when you've told him that you'd like more of his time?



momto4kiddos
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Posted: 5/4/2013 6:34:50 AM
The couch keeps him pretty busy


PhotoHorse
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Posted: 5/4/2013 6:41:22 AM
I wish mine did. We're busy following the kids around now, but what is will we do when they graduate? I have a lot of things I enjoy doing, so filling my time will be no problem. But what will he do? Yesterday he had a 1/2 day off, and he spent 10 minutes standing behind me watching me quilt. And then his feelings were hurt because I sounded annoyed. The empty nest might not be a happy nest.

AngieR
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Posted: 5/4/2013 7:17:31 AM

The empty nest might not be a happy nest.


I agree with this unfortunately. I signed my son up for Cub Scouts last year so that gives him something to do. My younger son will get to start scouts in a couple years, so they have the campouts to go to that I sign them up for. I have friends and go out with them, have a couple hobbies, but he doesn't have any of that unless you count the home theater he built and spends hours with every weekend. There are weekends he doesn't leave the house. It drives me crazy! I like to be home, too, but the fact that he can go days without leaving the house just isn't my personality.

I am definitely not in your position, but I kind of wish I was.




KeithUrbanLovinPea
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Posted: 5/4/2013 7:22:34 AM
My EX-DH was a road biker (think Tour d'France) and rode every weekend, both days, from 6 am until after lunch. He sometimes rode his bike to work. He even took trips with his buddies to ride in other places. In hindsight, this "separation" and lack of a common hobby/interest is what estranged us. If I had known what I know now, I would have been more communicative about the fact that I needed him to be home more.

I strongly urge you to talk to your DH. Just because the cause is noble doesn't mean that it doesn't impact your marriage.


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Posted: 5/4/2013 9:03:27 AM
Yes! Soccer....



2peafaithful
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Posted: 5/4/2013 9:29:56 AM
We don't have this issue but I can see how hard it would be on a marriage. If he isn't open to making some changes is he open to going to counseling to work through things and really hear you? It sounds like somewhere along things just got out of balance.

Basket1lady
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Posted: 5/4/2013 9:40:13 AM
I can relate with you, Mikeswife! In fact, DH is at a BSA CPR training thing right now. And wilderness first aid us later in the month. And DS just had his Order of the Arrow Ordeal last weekend, so you can add those activities onto the regular troop stuff. Thank God he had the sense to turn down Scoutmaster when they asked him last week. Add this to the fact that he works 12 hour days, 5 days a week.

We went to Costco last night and then Target. Does that count as a date?

But then, if he is home and has free time, he watches me work like Photohorses DH. That drives me batty! Can there be no happy medium?


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sunny 5
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Posted: 5/4/2013 9:50:06 AM
we have a sailboat and my dh spends lots of time on it. but he is a project guy and we are all happy he has a project. he would stay home if I asked.

raindancer
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Posted: 5/4/2013 10:01:32 AM
Have you thought about a date night? If you have it set up and it's just standing, then he can decline things as they pop up.

Even if it's just two times a month. I find that if we have scheduled time it's far easier for my husband to make sure he isn't busy. He has it in his calendar and will even tell people that he can't make meetings for work because he already has another meeting at that time.

Our kids keep us super busy too, so our date night is on a practice night, they get dropped off, and we have our date. Every week. Makes


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Luvnlifelady
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Posted: 5/4/2013 10:08:19 AM
I might have irritated DH, but I just called him back from going out to do his favorite hobby (geocaching). He does it every weekend morning for hours. (He had just left).

DS has a sleepover friend and I already dealt with them all night last night while DH was out playing board games (another hobby). If DH left this morning, I'd be without a car to take his friend home (DD has my car this morning).

DS had a sleepover friend last weekend stay ALL DAY on Saturday. That's not happening again.

This momma needs a break.



perumbula
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Posted: 5/4/2013 11:55:02 AM
Are all the meetings he's going to strictly necessary? At what point is he fully trained? I know the BSA does a lot of meetings but these seem like overkill. Round Table is once a month and there are campouts, etc. but being gone every weekend for training seems excessive even for the BSA.

I would speak up. he doesn't have to do every single training meeting, even if he thinks he does. (My husband was in scouting for a year or so. He was able to pick and choose which training meetings to go to based on our family schedule and what he felt he needed for our troop.) Maybe Spring is just a bad time with lots of training meetings scheduled and it will settle down soon. Talk to your dh and work together to find out a happy medium for both of you.


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gmcwife1
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Posted: 5/4/2013 12:37:28 PM
Dh doesn't, but he thinks I do.

I'm very involved in 4-H with dd. I try to get him to go with me and to meet more of the people, but he prefers to stay home. Last night he went with me to pick up our dd from her public speaking presentation. I got looped in to judging for an hour. He took it well and played on his phone. Afterwards we went out to dinner.

I'm hoping he will join us more, because it's something that's really good for our dd.

I'm sorry you are feeling alone


~ Dori ~

flanz
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Posted: 5/4/2013 12:39:59 PM
In my case it's my husband's career that is his mistress. He loves what he does and he does it a lot!!!

caroscraps
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Posted: 5/4/2013 12:43:39 PM
Golf! Eats, sleeps and breathes golf. He played at Alabama on their golf team many years ago. He still plays and also took our boys and taught them when we weren't at the ball field with them.

We are empty-nesters now and I'm glad he has his golf. It does not impact our marriage and never did because he understood the time away from home it took and he didn't want it to impact our marriage and home life when the kids were little.

We watch golf together now and I like to do that with him. I go out with him in the golf cart early evenings in the summer. I enjoy doing that.

He is equally as glad that I have a couple of hobbies too so it's all good.


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caroscraps
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Posted: 5/4/2013 12:46:54 PM
OP, I think you need to have a chat with your DH about setting aside some time for you. We did date nights every other weekend when the kids were little and when they were in high school every weekend.

You and your DH need to have time together to build your relationship now that your kids are older. Tell him you need him in your life!


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mdoc
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Posted: 5/4/2013 1:58:29 PM
My DH's "past time" that keeps him crazy busy is work. He usually leaves at 6 am and rarely gets home before 8 pm, and it's often later. He works a lot of weekends too. His leisure activity is golf. I don't mind that - if I want to spend time with him, I just go along and hit balls or play a round with him.

Does your DH realize that you're lonely and would like him to be around more?

Nyxish
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Posted: 5/4/2013 2:16:01 PM
Yes. He games online with his family. All. The. Time. And i can't say anything because it's his family.

There are days... and weeks... and months ...when it is...difficult. Very difficult.





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mikeswife
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Posted: 5/4/2013 2:51:15 PM
Some of DH's scout weekends are Order of the Arrow related (like this weekend for example). He assists in outdoor leader training, he is on the woodbadge course (as a scoutleader), he also helps our cub scouts when it comes time for their pinewood derby and building cars, etc. I have mentioned that I think he is gone a lot and have even called scouts his "other wife" to which he just sorta shrugs and says "oh honey". The other day he brought home yet another type of uniform shirt for both he and ds- a venturing shirt. Which I guess is an extension of scouting? Not sure how much time that will entail, he never really discussed it with me.


Whatever you are, be a good one.

katiescott
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Posted: 5/4/2013 4:26:13 PM
Music & home repair - busy but not quite crazy busy - he is more about moderation than me.


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Miss Lerins Momma
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Posted: 5/4/2013 8:24:49 PM
Mine does. He races a dirt modified racecar. He works in the garage every single night for at least 4 hours, sometimes more. And he's at the racetrack every Saturday night from March-October, at least until 11pm, sometimes/most times later. It really bites and I get tired of it so easily. I actually resent the time he spends there most of the time, which I know isn't healthy. I'm trying to be more supportive but it's hard.








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JenKate77
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Posted: 5/4/2013 8:28:55 PM

The couch keeps him pretty busy


Mine too! Sometimes. He's either all go or all couch.

You husband needs to learn this phrase, "I'd love to, but I have family commitments this weekend. Ask me next time." The best way for him to learn it is for you to teach it to him.

jgpea
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Posted: 5/4/2013 8:39:40 PM
up until last Nov, my DH worked graveyard shift...we didn't see much of each other and weekends were screwy because of off sleeping schedules...it worked (we didn't like it much) but it worked, we didn't have much choice...

NOW, we spend more quality time and it's nice...

so I would have to say that his hobby is hanging out with me, either @ home doing fun home upgrade projects or running around town...

lucky me!
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jend23
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Posted: 5/4/2013 9:52:54 PM
Video games. When we were dating / newly married, I used to beg for his time and attention. Then we had kids which kept me busy and he still played.

Now he has relaxed quite a bit with his games and thinks I abandon him for scrap booking. Not sure how our empty nest will work out. We have to make it through the next 16 years first.
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Posted: 5/4/2013 10:12:13 PM
Your DH sounds like mine. Buy my 15 yo hasn't suite finished his eagle yet.should be done in the next month or so. DH won't slow down then though


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Posted: 5/4/2013 10:31:51 PM
My Dh is out pack's cubmaster. He does spend tiem doing meetings, etc but we try to do a lot together. I am the committee chair of our pack so we are often at meetings together ( we host committee meetings at our house) and we do a lot of scout events together..when it's possible ( we have 2 other kids)

I volunteer for a lot too so I understand time commitment. However I do not let it interfere with our time together.

calialli
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Posted: 5/4/2013 10:43:06 PM
My DH is into surfing. It's not the kind of thing where he can schedule when the tide is going to be right or the waves a certain size, so when the waves are good he just goes. It's not a very convenient hobby.


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