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Posted 6/21/2013 by *KelleeM* in NSBR Board
 

*KelleeM*
Eye pea ;)

PeaNut 29,130
February 2002
Posts: 6,111
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Loc: 01826

Posted: 6/21/2013 8:26:54 PM
I have to give a bit of back story here...

I graduated from college in 1984. I was very good friends with "J" from 10th grade through college. I went away (just two hours from home) for college and in the middle of our freshman year J transferred to the same college. We spent a lot of time together and were really good friends. Our senior year J, me, and two other girls rented a 2 bedroom apartment together. Because of my snoring it turned into a horrible situation. I'll spare the details but will say that by the end of my senior year it was really uncomfortable for everyone. I was the only one not returning the following fall. I graduated, one gal started her Master's while J and another gal still had credits to finish for their Bachelor's.

I mourned the loss of the friendship with J for a long time. It hurt...a lot. I've thought about her over the years and felt badly about our friendship ending. She was the one who chose to stop talking, as I recall.

Fast forward to last week...

I discovered a message in my inbox on Facebook. I never knew there was an "other" box but saw it when I was checking a message from a friend and was shocked to see a note from J. It was just "Hi Kellee, I hope you are well." I pondered it for a few days and responded with "Wow, it's been a long time. It's nice to 'see' you." She responded again with a note about praying for my husband (obviously she's been reading my wall which isn't as private as I'd thought it was) and wishing me "every happiness."

I haven't responded further. There was no friend request from her.

Part of me wants to "chat" further and try to find out about her and her life. Part of me feels like I should just let it go...it's been a LONG time. I got over it a long time ago.

What do you think you'd do in this situation?





*Delphinium Twinkle*
I'm just a pea:)

PeaNut 163,613
August 2004
Posts: 78,773
Layouts: 236
Loc: *Sunny Southern California*

Posted: 6/21/2013 8:31:33 PM
Well... Do you want a friendship with her?
Or are you good with how things are.
If you're good with it them don't respond.

It was 28 years ago.
If it were me, I'd just be done.


Bethie
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ilovebuble
PeaFixture

PeaNut 539,539
January 2012
Posts: 3,850
Layouts: 0

Posted: 6/21/2013 8:35:09 PM
I would welcome the support from an old friend.

ilovecookies
PeaFixture

PeaNut 506,197
April 2011
Posts: 3,298
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Posted: 6/21/2013 8:35:47 PM

obviously she's been reading my wall which isn't as private as I'd thought it was


Me, personally, I'd just let it go. And work on my privacy settings.

But I'm not very gung-ho on facebook. I am very selective with who I friend.



TXDancermom
AncestralPea

PeaNut 146,748
May 2004
Posts: 4,306
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Posted: 6/21/2013 8:40:13 PM
I might send a friend request, and see what happens.

In the last couple of years, some of us who were in the same sorority house in college have gotten back in touch via fb. the house closed the middle of my senior year and we dispersed around campus and there was a lot of fingerpointing/blame/guilt that we all left with. most of us haven't seen or spoken in 25+ years. it has been fun catching up and finding out what everyone is up to. and we only talk about the good times from college, not the negative stuff.

Gia LuPeaA
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 416,889
March 2009
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Loc: The right place, at the right time.

Posted: 6/21/2013 8:46:36 PM
She reached out to you, if you want to get to know her again and talk to her, you should do so. And go ahead and send HER a friend request if you'd like to get to know her again. You might get to find out more about her and what she's been up to than what you're able to see without being on her friend's list.

Just go for it.




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2peafaithful
People not perfection

PeaNut 35,457
April 2002
Posts: 30,024
Layouts: 0
Loc: Right where I should be

Posted: 6/21/2013 8:50:29 PM
Gosh, I don't know. Part of me thinks what do you have to lose?? Hit request friend and see what happens. Surely you both are different people now. The other part of me thinks that is a lot of years. Hmmmm, go with your gut and heart.

itsmemom

PeaNut 44,602
August 2002
Posts: 5,548
Layouts: 7
Loc: Here!

Posted: 6/21/2013 9:38:02 PM
She reached out to you. I'd send a friend request & a note that says exactly what you said in your post....that you've thought about her a lot over the years, etc. Ask her what's new and see where things go from there.

Life's too short to leave some things unsaid. Even if nothing more becomes of it, at least you have a chance to let her know you enjoyed her friendship.


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RST
uniquer than you

PeaNut 101,300
August 2003
Posts: 6,227
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Loc: Seattle, WA

Posted: 6/21/2013 9:44:00 PM
I would set up my privacy settings carefully, and create a group called "Casual friends, minimal info" or something. Then I would send her a friend request and if she responded, I'd put her in the locked down category for at least a while.

Alternatively, I would look at her FB page and see if there is an email contact where you could correspond with her outside of FB, if that feels more controlled and appropriate to you.

My thinking is -- all that was a long time ago. Most of us have people in our past who we didn't part with as well as we might have, or situations that we didn't handle with as much grace and finesse as we might wish. You were close at one time, and you have some shared history, so possibly you could both enjoy re-connecting. If not, it's easy enough to unfriend her and quietly disappear from one another's lives.

RST


Everyone's unique, but some of us are more unique than average.

*KelleeM*
Eye pea ;)

PeaNut 29,130
February 2002
Posts: 6,111
Layouts: 67
Loc: 01826

Posted: 6/21/2013 10:02:00 PM
Thanks so much for the responses. I'm still pondering...





Aggiemom92
PeaFixture

PeaNut 90,200
June 2003
Posts: 3,313
Layouts: 2

Posted: 6/21/2013 10:16:07 PM
Wow, it's hard for me to imagine a friendship dissolving over snoring. That doesn't sound like a friendship is be interested in renewing.

But I don't know the situation like you. Do you really WANT her back in your life or are you just curious about her?


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Christine58
pea'rific teacher Union President

PeaNut 164,125
August 2004
Posts: 23,833
Layouts: 0
Loc: Western NY

Posted: 6/22/2013 7:27:51 AM
I would love to find some of my college roomies. I graduated in 81 and lost touch with a couple of them. One whose wedding I was in convinced me via email to join FB. I keep looking for three of the other housemates to no avail.

I say send her a friend request. Life's too short as you know.



Some people only dream of angels, I have held one in my arms.




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callypea
PeaAddict

PeaNut 113,672
October 2003
Posts: 1,757
Layouts: 0

Posted: 6/22/2013 7:40:54 AM
I had a similar situation. A friend from high school transferred to my college and we roomed together (big mistake). By senior year we barely tolerated each other, had a HUGE fight right before graduation and didn't speak for years. This was in the 80s. About 5 years later she contacted me and apologized (I also apologized) and we stayed in touch for a little bit but then started our families and life got busy. We spoke at a reunion a few years ago (before Facebook) but have not friended each other on Facebook even though we are friends with several of the same people. I think we both realize that we just can't be in each others daily lives and so we give each other space. We don't hate each other but being Facebook friends would be too intimate.

Be glad to have caught up with your friend but don't fret about friending each other. Some friendships need more distance than Facebook allows.


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my2girlz
PeaAddict

PeaNut 282,789
November 2006
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Loc: Chaffuering my kids around ...

Posted: 6/22/2013 8:05:29 AM
It seems like a very long time ago. Life is too short to hang on to old feelings of hurt. I'd send her a message back and feel her out. If she responds then no harm in friending her.


I know G-d would not give me more then I can handle but I wish he wouldn't trust me so much --

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matleavepea
PeaFixture

PeaNut 382,038
July 2008
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Loc: hogtown

Posted: 6/22/2013 9:18:15 AM
i usually don't send a friend request to someone when reaching out to a long lost friend. i will send a note and if they respond with a note back it is usually accompanied by a request.

i put out the first contact and if they aren't interested in responding to a note enquiring about how they've been for the last 'x' number of years - then i don't WANT them as a FB "friend" anyway.

LeoGirl76
Children Want Your Presence, Not Your Presents

PeaNut 72,408
February 2003
Posts: 11,739
Layouts: 0
Loc: San Diego Suburbs

Posted: 6/22/2013 9:32:15 AM
Life is too short to ponder this. If she is reaching out, I would friend her.

In 2002, I met a fellow pea and we became almost inseparable. From 2003-2007 we were good friends and then she quit talking to me. Not 100% why, but I miss our friendship. I tried to reach out to her a couple times, but she didn't respond. My life is 100% different and more positive than it was then. People can change for the better.

Anyway, I'd love to have that friendship back, so I think you should reciprocate in your situation.


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benem
I live for the applause applause applause...

PeaNut 526,154
October 2011
Posts: 7,786
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Loc: Illinois

Posted: 6/22/2013 9:50:30 AM
Pursue it! I have reconnected with people from college thru FB, including people who I was mad at when I left. And it's been great. NOW we can be friends. Anything annoying we did is all so long ago.

Send her a friend request. She's reading your posts. Post on her wall. Go for it.


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PennyPaws
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 551,978
April 2012
Posts: 2,099
Layouts: 79
Loc: Canada

Posted: 6/22/2013 9:51:42 AM
Maybe the reason she's come back into your life at this time will only show itself after you let her in... It sounds like you're more sad about the friendship ending than you are bothered about why it ended... I mean that what hurt was the loss of the friendship and not her opinion about your snoring... I'm doing a horrible job of explaining myself, ugh...

If snoring was a bad reason for a friendship to end, then it's a bad reason for continuing to keep two friends apart...

Be open to the friendship... Maybe there's a great second friendship there... And if you can't be friends now, then at least it won't be because of snoring...LOL


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benem
I live for the applause applause applause...

PeaNut 526,154
October 2011
Posts: 7,786
Layouts: 0
Loc: Illinois

Posted: 6/22/2013 9:53:32 AM
In the last couple of years, some of us who were in the same sorority house in college have gotten back in touch via fb. the house closed the middle of my senior year and we dispersed around campus and there was a lot of fingerpointing/blame/guilt that we all left with. most of us haven't seen or spoken in 25+ years. it has been fun catching up and finding out what everyone is up to. and we only talk about the good times from college, not the negative stuff.
---------

That's my situation too! At the time and for several years afterward I was really bitter about it and blamed certain people. Eventually I came to feel that it was all so Long ago and we were only 21 at the time.

I reconnected with a lot of these people. Two of them died in 2011. I was glad for the reconnection.


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pennyring
Thrift Ninja

PeaNut 226,011
October 2005
Posts: 23,312
Layouts: 40
Loc: Rite Aid

Posted: 6/22/2013 10:53:42 AM
Nope, we would be done. I probably wouldn't have even replied to her message.

I'm very, very selective with who I friend on FB, who I let back in my life. Most people in the past are in the past for a reason.



CountryHam
PeaFixture

PeaNut 335,105
August 2007
Posts: 3,691
Layouts: 0

Posted: 6/22/2013 10:59:21 AM
I think her reaching out was a blessing.
It takes a lot of courage to reach out
to someone like that.



*KelleeM*
Eye pea ;)

PeaNut 29,130
February 2002
Posts: 6,111
Layouts: 67
Loc: 01826

Posted: 6/23/2013 6:21:04 AM
I really appreciate the opinions of the Peas.

Also, as in any situation, there are at least two sides to every story. The big problem started because of my snoring (and no one else in the apartment being able to sleep in the same room with me) but there were other issues. I am able to accept my responsibility in the situation. It was just really lousy all around and by the end of the school year I felt horrible, unwelcome and very very much alone.

Last night I sent her a response on Facebook and told her that I wish I had known back in 1984 how to be a better friend and how to communicate effectively. I also said that it took a lot of years to get over the loss of our friendship. I said that I hoped her life has been everything she dreamed it would be and that I'm very happy.

She responded and pretty much shocked me! She said she was a "big jerk" and came from a home where people didn't treat each other very well (that was a huge surprise to me). No excuse (her words). She said she has a husband who is a saint and a great daughter.

I view her response as a door opening. I think, for now, I'll continue "chatting" with her via messenger on Facebook and see if it goes anywhere. There still haven't been any friend requests sent and that's fine.






PennyPaws
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 551,978
April 2012
Posts: 2,099
Layouts: 79
Loc: Canada

Posted: 6/24/2013 2:26:41 AM
I'm sorry you were left feeling that way years ago... But what a great update! I would imagine it was hard for her to reach out feeling/knowing she treated you poorly and having regrets about it... Sounds like you must be someone she really appreciates and cares for since she put those feelings aside and reached out to you... I hope it goes well and any new friendship that can come out of it brings both of you happiness

maryannscraps
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 75,215
March 2003
Posts: 7,548
Layouts: 2
Loc: massachusetts

Posted: 6/24/2013 7:11:41 AM
What a nice update. Something similar happened to me. It made me think about how I might have behaved many years ago. I thought I was the righteous one, but it turns out there were two sides to the story. We're casual friends now (we live across the country) and I'm glad to have cleared that nastiness from my life.
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