I lost my son, I have questions....
Post ReplyPost New TopicPosted 7/31/2013 by about_to_pea in NSBR Board
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PeaNut 104,674
September 2003
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Loc: Michigan

Posted: 7/31/2013 8:36:32 AM
I lost my son in September. It has been 10 months and I already dreading the one year anniversary of his death. I would like to hear from someone who has been through this. People are always saying they are sorry for my loss, they pray for me, they ask if there is anything they can do for me etc...

What I want is for someone who has been through this before to tell me some things. I know everyone is different. I just want to know if it ever gets better? I know I will always love and miss my son but life is a bit much right now. I want to know honestly if I am going to feel this pain and dread of waking up forever. I have other children and I try to fake "being okay" for them. I was kind of doing okay and getting by. I even went back to work but I feel like I am regressing. I am starting to feel worse again. I am very emotional. As much as when it first happened. I dont know how much longer I can keep trying to stay at work like this. I am getting depressed more and more. I am seeing someone but that really doesnt help much. Talking about it does nothing for me. It just makes me sadder.

I am trying to be realistic. I know life will never be there same. Will it ever get to where I can just go through the day and have my good memories but not break down 5 times a day? I know I will never forget but I am still watching for him to walk in the door. Does this ever end?

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PeaNut 103,805
August 2003
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Posted: 7/31/2013 8:38:32 AM
I didn't want to read and run. I have nothing to offer you but prayers and hugs.

Wife to 1; mommy to 3.

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PeaNut 164,125
August 2004
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Posted: 7/31/2013 8:42:35 AM
I lost a niece---not the same but I don't think I could have loved her anymore. Does it get better?? Not really, you just find a way to remember them with love. I would HIGHLY suggest a grief support group.

May I ask you to tell us about him?? Maybe just even sharing him with a "bunch of strangers" would help.

Some people only dream of angels, I have held one in my arms.


PeaNut 3,030
February 2000
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Posted: 7/31/2013 8:43:09 AM
I have never been in your shoes, but I couldn't read and not tell you how very sorry I am for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine the heartache and my mind cannot conceive of any words that could possibly help.
Just please know that a Pea in Ga is thinking of you and praying for you. I truly do wish I knew how to help.
I am having a ridiculously emotional morning over some drama with my own kids - I think now that I've read your post, I'll change the focus of the conversation I was going to have with them today. I'm just going to hug them today and thank God for them.

My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry.

All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope. ~ Winston Churchill

Mom to beautiful, creative, talented and kind Sarrie, 14, and handsome, intelligent, wise, and witty Dev, 16


PeaNut 568,351
October 2012
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Posted: 7/31/2013 8:46:43 AM
I don't have any advice to give as I have not experienced this. But I wanted to give hugs and prayers that you start to feel better soon. I can imagine this is the most difficult thing a mother would ever have to deal with. I'm sorry for your loss.

Happea Summer!

PeaNut 85,262
May 2003
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Loc: Minnesota

Posted: 7/31/2013 8:51:00 AM
I'm sorry for your loss...

My dear friend lost her 9-year-old son in an accident last April. Once in a while she will share with our group of friends a book or story that really has some meaning to her. A recent one that we all read is called "Believe" A Young Widow's Journey Through Brokenness and Back." She said she's obviously not a widow, but the same feelings and thoughts she had were written about in this book. I read it and it was very helpful for me to have a better idea as her friend about what her journey was like, what to do as a friend, etc.

Amazon Link For Book

Everyone's journey will be different, but I wish you peace on your path.

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 6,487
September 2000
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Loc: Livonia, MI USA

Posted: 7/31/2013 8:54:14 AM
Not having lost a child in my life (other than one of my triplets at 8 weeks gestation), I first can't imagine the depth of your loss. I can only think that the pain runs long and seems to go on forever.

First, you know that you have to take care of your own health, physical and mental, in order to be the best you can be for the rest of your family. They need you as much as you need to be at peace with yourself. It's a tough balance to find, but this has to be your goal. You will never, ever forget your son, and I'm confident he wouldn't want to see you overcome in grief for his absence.

They (whomever "they" are) say that death is only one small memory, and it should be a small one compared to all of the blessings his life and time on earth with you and your family. The hardest thing to do is minimize the fact he is gone, and amplify the memories of the time he was with you in order to aid with your grieving process.

Everyone grieves their losses differently. Seldom is just one year adequate. You will be in this state of loss for a very long time as we know a parent shouldn't have to put their child to rest. Again, I can only guess as to your true feelings having not experienced them myself.

Yes, it should get easier. One year, 4 years, 15 years... eventually. I sometimes wonder if we fear losing the memories of their lives with us that perpetuate the grieving process for some people. Instead of recognizing the anniversary date of their passing, perhaps turn that date into something special, a new tradition that can be done in his honor and allow the day to pass with a new purpose. Serve his favorite meal, or go to his favorite restaurant, donate blood to save another's life, volunteer with an organization annually that was important to him, plant a new tree in his honor- see if your city or township will allow you to donate a new tree to a community park or school, or even a nature conservatory. Make a donation to your local library so they can purchase new books for their shelves. I'm sure you get the idea.

Hugs to you most of all. I wish I was a better writer so I could explain myself better than I have!


PeaNut 320,498
June 2007
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Posted: 7/31/2013 8:55:53 AM
We lost our sweet 19-month old son in 1997. To say it is the hardest thing I've had to endure in my lifetime is an understatement. Does it get better? Yes. Does the hurt ever go completely away? No. A loss like this changes you forever. But you will be able to think about him and talk about him and smile about him without crying. You will be able to enjoy life. Will you still cry and grieve at times? Yes, but those times will become less frequent over time. My thoughts are with you in this journey. Message me if you'd like to "talk" further. (((Hugs)))
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PeaNut 286,882
December 2006
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Posted: 7/31/2013 8:57:49 AM
We lost our son 9 years ago. It took me a LONG time...years...to get past watching the door for him to come in every evening. And I did break down crying often, but as time went on the days got further apart. I do have to say, it IS easier now. I miss him everyday, but it does not hurt as bad anymore.

Everyone grieves at their own pace. Don't beat yourself up over it...cry when you need to cry. Someone sent me this and I read it a LOT and it really helped me:

"I know of the black hole where you now live. Realize that it will never be alright, but it WILL get better. Celebrate the time you had with him, cherish the little things-the sound of his voice, the touch of his hands, his laughter, those small unexpected wonderful 'gifts'. you must concentrate on those things you had rather than those you won't. Look forward, he is in a place where he will never ever until eternity be hungry, cold, downtrodden, alone. He will never ever be in pain, no one will ever inadvertantly hurt his feelings."

pearl-clutching nitpicker

PeaNut 201,774
April 2005
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Posted: 7/31/2013 8:58:53 AM
I have not lost a child, but I lost my husband young to murder and through that experience, I know a lot of people who have lost a child.

You already know you will never "get over" it. Your job now is just to survive it and hopefully someday to be able to thrive again. You take it one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time.

Are you married? Are your other children adults, or still kids at home? Those people need you, and also, you need them. Take a leave from your job if you have to, but please stay engaged with your family. It is so easy to lose to your bearings, but you do need each other.

If your counseling isn't helping, maybe a group would. The Compassionate Friends is an organization for parents who have lost a child that really helped some friends of mine. Parents of Murdered Children is another group and I'm sure there are more.

Some kind of volunteer work that memorializes your son (for you emotionally, not necessarily publicly) might help you, too. Working with ill children or for changes in the law, volunteering with a survivors group, doing a fundraiser for his school or other interest ... things like that can help you feel a little better.

Many hugs and I hope things are looking up for you soon.

northern california

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."
--Bertrand Russell

Sharon K

PeaNut 257,088
April 2006
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Loc: Flagstaff, AZ. YEA!! Finally

Posted: 7/31/2013 9:00:09 AM
Dear Pea,
I remember the first anniversary of my husbands death well. I dreaded the day, but I knew it was coming, there was nothing I could do to stop it, I had no control over it. I relived every single moment of that day, I was grief stricken all over again, and very angry that I had to relive things that I had tried so hard to get past during that first year. I just wanted to pull the covers over my head, and wake up when it was over.
Like you, waiting for him to come through the door, for a phone call, waiting to tell him something that I had heard or saw.
It does really get better, I know a child's life is a horrendous thing to lose, but you will muddle through it.
There is no grave site for us to visit as he wanted to be cremated, so he was with us all the time in his traveling resting place.
But for the holidays, and his birthday we do things that we always did while he was with us. Make his favorite dish, remember favorite stories and memories.
I do feel your pain with this day coming, and I do know you are dreading it. It will not last forever, and the pain will lessen, maybe even be taken over by great memories, and all the love that you feel when remembering all the great times that was shared.
But remember, most of all, that all you are feeling is very normal, one baby step at a time, and sooner than you think, you will be able to celebrate his life with all the good memories a beautiful son can give.



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PeaNut 32,477
March 2002
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Posted: 7/31/2013 9:02:33 AM
i have several friends that have lost children
one lost her son last thursday

they all grieved differently

some are 20 years after...some are 7 years out...another is 3 years...

all of them made it through...some more damaged than others

it's a very personal journey and i believe a lot depends upon their faith

those with a strong faith seemed to fair better - that is just my observation

i am so very sorry for your loss and i will be thinking of you


7 Sweetpeas for me

PeaNut 20,301
August 2001
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Posted: 7/31/2013 9:03:19 AM
I am sorry for your pain and suffering. I lost my 14 year old DD many years ago. Yes, it is very hard. Getting up in the mornings is hard, breathing is hard. You think you will never be the same or "normal" again. You won't ever be your old normal but you will be a new normal.

You are still so early in your grieving process. I found for me, once you get through the first anniversary of the death, it does get a littler easier. You are going through anticipatory grief at the thought of the anniversary. At least this is what I was told.

Time does heal, does not take away the pain, but changes it so it isn't a gaping hole.

I would suggest a good support group of people who have lost children/young adults. Your counselor should be able to give you some places to check out.

Sometimes just knowing you are not alone in the grief process helps.

Do you have a church? Pastor? Support group of friends?

I am offering hugs to you as one mom who has BTDT.

<>< <>< <><

Thread Killer Extraordinaire

PeaNut 29,166
February 2002
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Posted: 7/31/2013 9:07:20 AM
I haven't been in your exact shoes, but for me, the lead-up to the first anniversary was particularly tough. It was almost a relief when that date passed.

I'm so sorry for your loss. (((hugs)))


Mother of Benedict Cumberbatch's love child

PeaNut 279,995
October 2006
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Loc: Rockville, MD

Posted: 7/31/2013 9:18:08 AM
I have never lost a living child but I have lost 4 babies by miscarriage. The last one this past Feb. It was the most traumatic event of my life. I was deep in depression to the point where I never thought I would ever feel even a bit on the normal side, ever. I am seeing a therapist and while it helps, it doesn't cure. What really helped was a support group for grief. They do exist. They can be tough to find but knowing that every.single.feeling that I had is normal was a big comfort. I thought I was going crazy. I thought I had to be losing my mind because of how I felt. It is the hardest thing in the world, to go in there and expose yourself like that. Tell your story, relive it.

Listening to other people's stories helped so much. I can't even begin to tell you. The group I was in was only women who all lost babies around the same time as me. We shared something, we had a connection.

I also started taking anti-depressants for the first time in my life. I fought it tooth and nail but they helped, a lot. They just take away the highs and lows of daily grief and help you stabilize your emotions.

I can't say you will ever be normal again. There is a new normal out there for you. Honor your son. Do things to remember him. Have a private service. Talk to him, write to him, love his memory and his soul.

The bad memories will fade. You have to hold on to the good ones. Journaling has helped me a lot. Write down things about him, what you loved, what drove you crazy. Write down whatever you feel like. Don't keep it in, let it all out.

My heart goes out to you..


PeaNut 167,397
September 2004
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Loc: Oregon

Posted: 7/31/2013 9:18:49 AM
The first year is the hardest, getting through each day, each holiday a painful reminder. I was devastated when it rained and snowed, it hadn't ever occurred to me that weather would be painful, thinking of my little girl buried at the cemetery while I was inside. Always asking strangers how old their child was so I could have some idea what she might be doing developmentally, and being resentful of all of the "bad" parents I saw in the world who were allowed to keep their child. This is what grief looks like, and there is no set time table for it.

I wish there was an easy answer, but for me I just had to work through it in my own head and understand that as much as I adored my child, some things in life are just out of my control.

It's helped me to be a christian and to understand that this life is just a blink and then I will have eternity with my children in heaven some day. It has helped me to help others, in my case I became a peer grief counselor two years after my daughter's death for other newly bereaved parents. It helped me to see my daughter in my other children, knowing how little bits of us show up in the little things, a smile, a laugh, a temper.

Be kind to yourself, try to find peace within yourself and joy again in the little things. Give yourself permission to go on with your life, to not know the answers as the why this happened to you, and to let go of control. Some things are just absolutely beyond our control.

Big hugs to you.

Pretty In PeaNK

PeaNut 417,489
March 2009
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Posted: 7/31/2013 9:23:25 AM
I haven't lost a child, but I did grieve the loss of a close loved one who died suddenly in an accident. What I know is this. Grief is a process we all must go through. Imagine it like a path that must be walked.

You can refuse to walk it at first. It hurts so much. You can try to suppress it, go through denial, trying to avoid the pain. But you still have to walk that damn path. Like someone said above, it can take 3 years, 7, maybe 20. I think a combination of factors determines how long that grieving process takes.

But I think one of those factors is whether or not you allow the pain to truly sink in. To truly accept it and let the pain come. Do you think that you're finally letting it sink in? Because that was the hardest part for me. Stages of Grief

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PeaNut 56,444
November 2002
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Posted: 7/31/2013 9:34:18 AM
First let me say i am so very sorry for your loss. I cant imagine what you are going thru.

I lost my dad a year ago and while I know it's not the same as losing a child I will share my experience with you.

I had a horrible first 6 months. Christmas was unbearable, I just wanted to get thru it in one piece. It got a little better, but three things occurred that has set me back. His birthday was in may, Father's Day in June, and his one year anniversary in July. It was like I was right back at the beginning and I had just lost him! And the anniversary was so much worse. I had been so worked up about getting to a year, that when I did, I realized I was facing the rest of my life without him, not just a year!

I'm still having a difficult time, but it has gotten a bit easier. I don't think the pain ever goes away, I think it gets fewer and further between those days of heart wrenching all encompassing feelings of loss and pain.

I think it's the anniversary that has you feeling this way. Once again I am so sorry! Be gentle with yourself and let yourself feel however you want to feel. There is no right or wrong when it comes to grief, and definitely not a timetable.

I hope this helps!
Hugs to you in this difficult time.

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PeaNut 416,788
March 2009
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Posted: 7/31/2013 9:36:59 AM
Approaching that first anniversary can be really really hard. It is normal for you to be having a harder time now that it's almost here.

There's no shame in getting medication that can help you. If you haven't seen a medical Dr., this would be a good time to do so.

I'm so sorry for your loss. There is no easy fix.

If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.


PeaNut 411,442
February 2009
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Posted: 7/31/2013 9:43:16 AM
First of all - even though you may have heard it many times before - I am sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the grief of losing a child. But I know, too, that you are not alone. As other peas have said, grieving is a procsss. It could be that knowing the anniversary is approaching has increased your burden. If you find it has become overwhelming (and from your OP that is my impression), then I would suggest (as other peas have) that you seek counseling and/or support groups. Knowing that you are not alone will, hopefully, take the edge off. At times like this, mere words are not enough. But I hope it helps you to know that others are concerned. I will remember you in my prayers.

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PeaNut 294,285
January 2007
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Loc: Minnesota

Posted: 7/31/2013 10:10:10 AM
I have no words for you, just sending peace your way. I am so sorry for your loss.


I reject your reality & substitute my own

PeaNut 183,518
January 2005
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Posted: 7/31/2013 10:24:32 AM
I feel your pain. And I AM so sorry that you have to walk this path too.
Aug. 13th will mark my son's 2 year ANGELversary. So, I'm quite new on this journey too. Will it ever get better? I think it gets softer. The jagged edges of the grief soften. That's the best way I have to describe it. I have easier days and then I have harder days. It's not a straight road. Its more of a wild roller coaster. Ups, downs, twists, turns, sharp drops and slow climbs. Are you one who would benefit from a grief group (if you aren't already attending one?) I find my group very supportive and helpful. Its not a club I ever wanted to belong to, but I'm very grateful that these women "get it". It's just mom's and there is an unspoken understanding amongst us. Be easy on yourself. Just do what you can or what you want and let the rest be. I saw a sign recently that said "let whatever you do today be enough." PM me, if you want to talk more. Gentle hugs to you.

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PeaNut 585,295
April 2013
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Posted: 7/31/2013 10:28:28 AM
I am so, so sorry for your loss. It is normal to feel a resurgence of overwhelming grief as the first anniversary approaches. Dealing with this kind of loss is like traveling through peaks and valleys. They will always be there, but for most people, they do start to level out over (lots of) time. The first year anniversary can often be one of the lowest valleys. I'm so sorry. This is normal, you are not necessarily headed into deeper grief, there is nothing anyone can say to make it easier - but you will come out on the other side.


PeaNut 15,223
May 2001
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Loc: Sweet Home Alabama

Posted: 7/31/2013 10:31:30 AM
I too am sorry for your loss. There is a blog I stumbed upon last year

The author, Anna, lost a young son unexpectantly a few years ago. She writes very clean, heartfelt posts that have helped me in awareness of otther people's suffering.

Stuck In The Bucket

PeaNut 108,068
September 2003
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Posted: 7/31/2013 10:38:02 AM
I lost my daughter at the age if 4 back in nov 1999 - i so understand your loss and will pray for you. The 3 top things that helped me and have gotten me through are below - hoping this helps

Talk about him - tell others not talking about him is worse for you than talking about him - others feel like they upset you worse when they bring them up so they avoid the topic - but to me that hurts worse makes me feel like she is forgotten

Seek out grief therapy group - it helps!!!

Find ways to keep his memory alive - but don't make him your life - you just have to start making a new Normal -


PeaNut 44,547
August 2002
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Posted: 7/31/2013 11:46:13 AM
I lost my son 3.5 years ago. All the anniversaries are hard for me. Every year. His birthday, day of his death, 1st day of school, last day of school. Any milestone he missed. He would have been 15 in June so he could have gotten his driving permit. His friends are all tall now with deep voices. Its hard. The first few months, I would tell myself he was at the park or skating rink with his friends and would be home later. But I knew it wasn't true.

I don't know if you can say it gets easier, I really don't. I'm having a bad day emotionally today because a family lost their young son yesterday. I was his nurse in our PICU here prior to his transfer to another hospital. Its really hit me hard.

If you need to talk to someone, feel free to PM me.



PeaNut 551,978
April 2012
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Loc: Canada

Posted: 7/31/2013 11:52:51 AM
I haven't been through it, but I wanted to make sure you know that people who haven't experienced it don't expect you to be 'okay'... I can't fathom what you're going through and would have no idea how you find the strength even to 'fake it'... Not sure it helps in any way, but I wanted you to hear that you don't have to be put together - I'd actually be worried if my friend didn't loose it at least sometimes...

I'm sorry I can't offer any help, sending love your way...


PeaNut 44,547
August 2002
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Loc: Down South

Posted: 7/31/2013 11:57:07 AM
There is a group called Compassionate Friends that is for bereaved parents. I haven't been but have been thinking about it just to be around other people who know how I feel. Another parent told me she tried going but it just wasnt' for her. She went very soon after her son's death tho.



PeaNut 247,320
February 2006
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Posted: 7/31/2013 12:11:22 PM
I sent you a pmail with a link. I'm sorry for our loss.

Mommy Peas-alot

PeaNut 100,930
August 2003
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Posted: 7/31/2013 12:14:15 PM
I am so sorry you have joined this "sorority". It's not one I would wish on my worst enemy.

My adult daughter died 3 yrs ago in Oct. Some days I can talk and laugh at the good memories. Other days that black hole in my heart feels like it's going to suck me in.

A therapist I was seeing said grief is like the waves of the oceans. They come and go. Some are spaced closer together, some are tougher to stand through and some are just ripples on the surface. That over time the waves become more spaced out but every once in a while you will get a big one that will knock you off your feet.

It't been true for me.

The anticipatory grief was much worse on the first anniversary than I thought it would be. We decided that we would make it a tradition to be together on the anniversary of her death. We go out on the Blue Ride parkway and take pictures. She loved the parkway and the girl always had a camera in front of her face.

It's been hard to see her husband move on and become a father. It was hard to see her friends move on, get married and start having babies. It was hard to make a quilt for my mom's bday and to put Chrissy's date of death with her date of birth.

You can make your sons fav meal, share funny stories of him. Write him a letter.

For my daughter's bday I do something for one of the many charitable cuases she supported. It helps.

You can pmail me if you want to "talk".

What was your son's favorite thing to do that always made you smile or made you proud?


PeaNut 116,261
November 2003
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Posted: 7/31/2013 12:18:13 PM
I just want to say, I'm so sorry for your loss. (((hugs)))


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Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 245,376
January 2006
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Posted: 7/31/2013 1:10:12 PM
Hugs and prayers for you

I myself have not lost a child and my heart breaks for those who have, we did lose our neice though(18 years ago) I know what has gottn us through is talking about her. We still laugh, and cry talking about her, she'd be 38 now and we wonder many things, would she be married, would she have children, what kind of work would she do. The list goes on. We have much comfort in talking about her and all the precious memories we have.

I can remember my brother saying he'd be driving on the fwy and just start screaming and yelling--he said it was very theraputic for him. He said after a few minutes of letting it out he'd feel better and could go on a bit easier. Pick up the phone and call someone and just cry if you need to. Do not hold back, do what helps you.

Big hugs and please talk to others who have been through this, the one thing about the peas is we are a huge variety of people who have experienced and been through many many different things. And I know we'd all be willing to help a fellow pea when needed so take them up on it

Thrift Whisperer

PeaNut 114,407
November 2003
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Posted: 7/31/2013 1:23:54 PM
There are no words but I'm sorry and am praying for comfort, peace, and healing for you.

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Early Morning Pea-er

PeaNut 16,129
June 2001
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Loc: Northern Wisconsin

Posted: 7/31/2013 1:26:27 PM
I, too, am so sorry for what you've been through and your great loss. I've also lost a son. I think when a parent loses a child, it's almost like a limb has been taken from your body....you don't "get over it" or ever completely heal, imo, just learn to live without. You hate it, it destroys you in so many ways, but you can't do anything to change it.

For me personally, I know I deal by pushing away the pain and covering it with being busy. Grief and sadness will overwhelm me sometimes when I least expect it, and it hits me so hard it's nearly traumatizing...so pushing it away is sometimes the only way I can cope.

I don't know what your faith is, but I grasp on the idea that someday we'll be reunited. Honestly, sometimes I doubt it and my faith is not as strong as it once was, but as long as there's a tiny seed of hope that I'll see him again I can push through some of the grief by focusing on that.

Since you came here asking for others in your situation to weigh in on this, I was wondering if you had considered joining a support group of other parents who have lost children? I know I have found support and comfort most when talking to someone who has been through what I have. I also tried the therapist thing-that didn't help me at all. Maybe if she had lost a child, it would have, but she had not.

I hope you find some comfort in the words offered here by the peas!


PeaNut 175,021
October 2004
Posts: 3,716
Layouts: 49
Loc: FL

Posted: 7/31/2013 2:51:38 PM
I am so sorry for your loss.

My son, Zack, was killed in a car accident a month before he turned 19. It will be 2 years in October.

Losing my son is the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. I thought I would die from the grief. I wanted to die. I wanted to go find him and be with him. It was horrible.

Finally, in January of this year I started taking an antidepressant and it helped a lot. It made the feeling that I was choking ease up.

At first all I could do was think about and talk about my son. It was all consuming and so painful.

I've noticed recently that Zack isn't the first thing on my mind every morning, and that I'm not crying myself to sleep each night. My heart feels lighter. But that comes with the price if guilt. I am ashamed and sad that I am not still in that dark place. But I couldn't keep living like that. I need to be better for my family and my students.

I know I'll never be over losing Zack. I don't want to be.

You have to experience the grief before you can start to feel better. Please pea mail me if you want to talk.

I am praying for you.


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PeaNut 248,246
February 2006
Posts: 208
Layouts: 0

Posted: 7/31/2013 3:41:55 PM
First I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my daughter Marissa in June 2006, exactly two weeks before her second birthday. Your feelings sound very much like mine...I faked a lot of stuff for a long time when my heart literally felt like it was splitting in two. I don't really think I knew the gravity of my depression because I was faking being strong. I felt like everyone was moving forward and I was in the same place in my grief. I didn't have the energy to be as social as I was (and I regret that), I would get anxiety over little things.

Grief takes time..it just does and for the first couple of years you stumble through it.. The second year was harder than the first. The shock of the her sudden passing wore off and reality set in and I do think my depression worsened..BUT then the pain lessend and the breakdowns were further apart. That was a double edge sword, because I know I was feeling better, but that meant I was leaving her behind. Maybe I should have taken something but I didn't. I did have a lot of conversations with myself about Marissa wanting me to be happy. I could and still feel her wanting that for me..us. I had/have to push myself sometimes.

Our lives are different..we have lost a child. But it does get better. 10 months is only a short time..the shock has worn off and the grief is in a different stage now and it will continue to evolve where the pain lessons.

I do notice that families who use a cause to get through their grief do seem to get better faster. They have an appropriate place to talk about their child and to honor them.

Please remind yourself your son would want you to be happy..your children need for you to be happy and sometimes you have to push yourself to help get to another, better level.

Please be kind to yourself.

Carey Ayn

PeaNut 41,258
June 2002
Posts: 18,087
Layouts: 321
Loc: Minnesota

Posted: 7/31/2013 3:45:34 PM
I'm sorry. I know you know that, but I have I start with that.

I lost my son who was born premature. A child is a child, but I know there are additional layers when you have months or years of memories and experiences.

For me, life has helped heal. I went on to have my twins, so honestly, it didn't take away the pain, but like someone else said, it helped to close the gap.

I still have moments that are triggered and I get melancholy around his anniversary, but I can tell you, the intense pain does ebb. We do take time to remember him every year, and although some people are weirded out about us including our boys, I find it healing when they occasionally ask about him or mention their other brother. It helps to keep his memory alive, and I think as time goes on, that becomes incredibly important. Having friends and family who are conscious of your need to discuss him is important to the healing process. A lot of people are not comfortable with the death if a child or even grief for that matter, but finding a few who are is very helpful. It has been six years, and I don't feel the need to talk about him a lot...I am ok in my quiet memories, but I like that I know I can if I need too.


PeaNut 104,674
September 2003
Posts: 2,062
Layouts: 47
Loc: Michigan

Posted: 7/31/2013 6:32:15 PM
Thank you for responding. I actually felt better hearing others talk about it. Maybe I do need a support group. I am still not able to talk about it sometimes. I don't see the point of going to a support group when all I do is sit and cry. I cant even go into church without balling my eyes out for some reason. His funeral was not there but I try to go and pray about it or just be in church to try and feel some peace and I cant even sit through the service sometimes. I may feel better in a support group at a later time when I can talk. Sometimes I find it hard to breathe, let alone talk.

You who have shared your stories I want you to know it means a lot to me, thank you. My son was 28. He has 2 sons 8 and 10. Im not sure if the hardest thing in my life was losing my son or telling his sons and my other children that he died. He was killed by a freind who "didn't mean to kill him" because he had just gotten paid and had his money in his pocket. He died at that friends house. When I got to the house the coroner was pulling up and I had to wait to go in and see him. He was laying down like he was sleeping. He looked so handsome even during his funeral it was hard to believe he was not sleeping. I have 4 other children and 7 grand kids so I have to stay alive for them. This was the first death of anyone close to any of us. It was horrendous and traumatizing in so many ways. I would have taken something to just go to sleep forever to be with him but I could not put my kids and husband through the trauma of death again.

Maybe I am dreading the one year mark so much I am making myself more depressed but I can't help it. It is good to hear that others have gotten through this. And thank you.

My Pinterest Board: http://pinterest.com/dgirl48236/

I reject your reality & substitute my own

PeaNut 183,518
January 2005
Posts: 12,323
Layouts: 64
Loc: Big Sky Country

Posted: 7/31/2013 7:09:48 PM
you should know that the "wanting to die" feeling is normal. I've had it myself. I have no compulsion to act on it though. I sometimes feel that if I got a serious illness or diagnosis, I wouldn't do anything about it. But the feeling is normal. Every mom I've talked to has had the same feeling after the loss of their child. Don't worry about not being able to talk during a support group. They know what you're going through and no one will force you to do anything you don't want or can't do. I've found just listening to others share their stories makes mine seem more bearable. Maybe you can contact the "leader" of a local group and meet one on one first. Then if/when you're ready to go to a group gathering, you'll have a familiar face there. Do reach out to someone, please. The path is a lot less rocky if you have someone to walk beside you.

You call me Pollyanna like that's a bad thing.

Flat Alex's World Tour


PeaNut 15,108
May 2001
Posts: 3,024
Layouts: 1

Posted: 7/31/2013 7:24:23 PM
I am so sorry. I have no advice, but wanted to offer my support.

luv my bulldoggies

PeaNut 24,213
November 2001
Posts: 5,906
Layouts: 106

Posted: 7/31/2013 7:30:18 PM
I am so, so sorry that you lost your son!!!! I have not been through this, and hope some of these posts have helped you, and hope that you'll consider group grief counseling and/or individual counseling, and also---not that I like to rely on medication for everything, and I personally beleive crying and grieving are healthy.....( I never grieved as long or knew I could cry SOOO much until I lost my brother 4 years ago )......but if your depression is only worsening, you might talk to your doctor for a short-term trial of meds---- Many, many ((( HUGS))) to you!!!

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 168,696
September 2004
Posts: 8,297
Layouts: 0
Loc: Northern California

Posted: 7/31/2013 7:41:02 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I hope you can reach out and find a grief counselor/ therapist, or go to a support group.

Was in 2 groups when I had losses. There were people that had a hard time talking, and they just listened, and felt their feelings. That's what I did at times as well.

The group is helpful because others are going through very similar waves of grief, and the leader can help you individually.,

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 12,875
March 2001
Posts: 8,541
Layouts: 11

Posted: 7/31/2013 7:43:00 PM

I don't see the point of going to a support group when all I do is sit and cry.

One of my co-workers lost her young adult daughter several years ago. Her counselor talked her into going to a support group for parents who had lost children and she did not want to go. She went to one meeting, decided it was not for her, and never went back. But.... at the same time, she said it helped her more than anything else. Until she went, she felt totally alone and isolated in her grief. Seeing other parents, in various stages of grief and recovery, helped her realize that she was not alone and that she would eventually be "ok". It may not be right for you, but it may help in some small way.

The same friend said the first year was the worst for her. Everything was about getting through the first birthday without her, first Christmas, etc. On the first anniversary of her death, she stayed in bed all day, crying and a mess. As each year went by, she said she found herself able to do more to the point where she can laugh and tell stories and have happy memories instead of only sad ones. Be gentle with yourself. Everyone has to take his/her own journey through grief.

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 211,902
June 2005
Posts: 5,707
Layouts: 2

Posted: 7/31/2013 7:52:18 PM
I just read this entire thread, and to each and every one of you who has lost a child, I am so very sorry. Words are inadequate. Understatement. I'm trying to dig myself out of a deep depression and can't imagine the depth of pain losing a beloved son or daughter would invoke. Just wanted to give you all a big cyberhug. (((HUGS))))


PeaNut 133,243
February 2004
Posts: 322
Layouts: 0

Posted: 7/31/2013 8:24:13 PM
I've sent you peamail.

Mary Kay Lady
I'm thinking . . .

PeaNut 367,913
March 2008
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Loc: The state of Confusion!

Posted: 7/31/2013 9:28:23 PM

I didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry for your loss. I haven't been in your shoes, but know that you are in my prayers.


Will trade mosquitoes for cookies.

PeaNut 416,788
March 2009
Posts: 22,083
Layouts: 0
Loc: Living in Kim's Perfect World, again.

Posted: 7/31/2013 9:41:38 PM

I cant even go into church without balling my eyes out for some reason. His funeral was not there but I try to go and pray about it or just be in church to try and feel some peace and I cant even sit through the service sometimes.

It might not feel like it to you now, but that too is normal.

Maybe I am dreading the one year mark so much I am making myself more depressed but I can't help it. It is good to hear that others have gotten through this. And thank you.

IME, the body has it's own memory. The change of seasons, the smell of a particular food, the funny way someone tilts their head, all trigger emotional memories.

As the time of a tragedy begins to roll around again, your body responds whether you actively think about it or not.

That's my experience, anyway. It happens to me even if I haven't been paying attention to the actual calendar dates.

I think it's good to realize what's happening so your logical brain has something to work with to balance all that emotion that just comes washing over you.

If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.

the most ransorish pea evah

PeaNut 91,412
June 2003
Posts: 20,628
Layouts: 120
Loc: Milwaukee!!

Posted: 7/31/2013 9:47:37 PM
I remember when my mother died (she was 46) my grandfather saying this was the worst thing that had happened to him (and he was almost 80 at the time).
And I truly believe that the only thing worse than losing a parent is losing a child, because it's out of the natural order of life (if that makes any sense whatsoever).

So I have never been in your shoes, but I lost my mother very suddenly and unexpectedly and it was (almost) the worst loss I can ever imagine.

But it does get easier...I remember right after she died, I could not sleep for months. But then little by little it does get better. Because you MUST go on, because like you said you have other children, there is no choice. There is no honor in the memory of the dead if you do not continue your life. Your son would not want you to grieve him forever.

It does get easier.


PeaNut 154,643
June 2004
Posts: 1,064
Layouts: 0
Loc: Melbourne Australia

Posted: 8/1/2013 6:29:25 AM
I'm so sorry to hear all your stories of loss. Such a terrible terrible thing to happen to a person. My best wishes to you all in finding some peace in your hearts.

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 25,217
November 2001
Posts: 5,220
Layouts: 122
Loc: Southern California

Posted: 8/2/2013 1:34:43 AM
Check with your local childrens hospital to see if they have a grief group. Ours has one and I know parents get great benefit from it.
I have never lost a child, so I can only imagine how hard it is.
We have parents who come back to visit us in the hospital and some who just can't, Everyone is different.

If you don't feel a grief group is for you check with your physician to see if they have any resources for you for other counseling.

Take care of yourself!

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