Do I have the right to be annoyed at this or PVM!

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Posted 8/1/2013 by Really Red in NSBR Board
 

Really Red
Pea-ceful and Hap-pea

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Posted: 8/1/2013 8:57:32 AM
Was planning a big surprise for my sister. My BIL knew and so did my nieces (who are in college). They had to know. My BIL told my sister last night. My kids are SO disappointed as am I. My sister me an email and said she was happy to know in advance. What else would she say? I want to write back and say it was not BIL's secret to tell. If he felt she should have known, then he should have talked to me first and had me and the kids tell her.

I feel a bit pouty and pretty bent out of shape about this because I have been planning it for six months and it required a great deal of planning. My kids and I have been brimming with excitement about it and we are seriously deflated. I know I will get over it, but this was a giant plan and we spent so long planning it perfectly. The biggest part was the surprise. But I am seriously, seriously pissed off at BIL. I feel like he was a 2yo who couldn't keep a secret.

ETA - this was NOT a surprise party - not not not!!! This was me and the kids surprising her on her birthday for the day. Her daughter knew and made sure that she would be there. My sister hasn't seen my kids in two years!!!


Andrea

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

cajuncandy
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Posted: 8/1/2013 8:59:16 AM
Just for kicks, you should have told her, "I have no idea what you are even talking about!"

SOrry he ruined your surprise, I know how that feels.


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little mama
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Posted: 8/1/2013 9:02:09 AM
While I understand that you are upset that the surprise element was spoiled, I do think you are being a little pouty/petty. I'd have to think her dh had a reason to have to tell her - maybe she was trying to make plans for the same day, maybe she hates surprises, maybe it was an accident, etc. Stuff happens, you can still have the party, everyone will still be there and have a great time. Would it have been nice of him to consult with you about the reasons he felt he had to tell her before he did, but not everyone thinks that way.


Marianne,
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maddieksmom
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Posted: 8/1/2013 9:03:22 AM
why would he tell her??? Thats just dumb. Sorry the excitement and hard work was a bit deflated...but Im sure she is so excited...which is the main thing.

C3PeaO
PeaFixture

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Posted: 8/1/2013 9:06:42 AM
I'd be ticked. Not his secret to share.


Carrie
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utmr
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 8/1/2013 9:08:50 AM
He probably had a good reason for telling her. Maybe she was making other plans, maybe she had slreàdy gotten suspicious, or maybe he knows that she would hate the idea of a surprise.

I wouldn't be upset.

Miss Ang
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Posted: 8/1/2013 9:10:40 AM
Did you ask your BIL why he spilled the beans? Maybe there was a legitimate reason. Hopefully, anyway. I hope he wasn't just being a jerk. Before I felt too angry I would ask first.


-Angela

lucyg819
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Posted: 8/1/2013 9:13:30 AM
I can understand why you'd be a little upset, but honestly, the very last thing I'd want in the world: a surprise party. I'd be so grateful to the person who gave me a heads up in advance.

Not sure why she had to tell you she knows, though.


LUCYG
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howdyheidi
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Posted: 8/1/2013 9:15:30 AM
There are some people who really hate to be surprised. And, it is true maybe she was making plans that would mess with this surprise and there was not a lot of other choices.

I can understand that you are disappointed, but not upset.


~~Heidi~~

vicloo
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Posted: 8/1/2013 9:16:46 AM
IF he had a legitimate reason to spill the beans about the party, he should have taken the time to get with you first and let you know. That was quite selfish on his part.

GrinningCat
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Posted: 8/1/2013 9:19:00 AM
I'd be really pissed off at the BIL and I'd tell him so. With a lot of emphasis on how douchy he was. That's not right and not fair. I don't care if people don't like to be surprised, that's not his place to ruin things. If he wanted her to know, he should have said something at the beginning. Not ruin things.

So yes, you are completely validated in being pissed off and deflated. And now you know that you cannot trust him so adjust your plans accordingly.

Annabella
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Posted: 8/1/2013 9:20:43 AM
I wouldn't say anything to her, I would call him up and ask why he spoiled the surprise.




Kerri W
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Posted: 8/1/2013 9:27:22 AM
I would assume he had a reason to tell her.

I hate being surprised. Hate it. It makes me anxious and extremely uncomfortable. My family knows this. Does it stop them? No. My mom and one of my sisters think its fabulous to surprise me with visits, plans to do something, etc. I.dont.like.it. My DH is a good secret keeper but he would probably give me a heads up and say "you should be flexible" or in some way indicate things are not going to go the way I assume they are because he knows I'd be uncomfortable.

Peabay
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Posted: 8/1/2013 9:28:06 AM
I'd be really annoyed too. Sometimes people just like to feel like they are the ones who get the "fun" of the surprise.

Vent to us and then go and enjoy and have fun. Because that's really the point of it, right? Have a great time! What a nice gift to give her!



Idahopea
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Posted: 8/1/2013 9:29:44 AM
Awww, I'm sorry your surprise was ruined. It bet it would have been fun to surprise her by visiting on her birthday. I hope you can still have a great time. I think it would have been a good surprise especially since it wasn't a surprise party! I hope he had a good reason to tell her, but I also think he should have at least given you the chance to tell her even if it couldn't be a surprise for whatever reason.

Really Red
Pea-ceful and Hap-pea

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Posted: 8/1/2013 9:36:03 AM

I hate being surprised. Hate it. It makes me anxious and extremely uncomfortable. My family knows this. Does it stop them? No.

This is awful! My sister hates surprise parties, but this was a special surprise of me and the kids. She lives 12 hours away from me. We drive out one day, stay in a hotel, see her bright and shiny all day on her birthday and leave the next day. We stay in a hotel. It was really hard for me to get off work and my daughter starts school the day we're driving back so she misses her first day of her special technical school that was difficult to get into, just so she could surprise her aunt.

I would NEVER surprise her this way if she hated it. If my BIL disagreed with me, then he should have told ME and allowed my kids and me to tell her. We would have done that. He did tell me a month ago that he didn't think my sister wanted a surprise and he wanted to tell her the day before (!!), but I told him if he wanted to tell, then I wanted to tell right away - that was one month ago!! - and I said let me talk to your daughters and see what they think. They told me absolutely to surprise her (again, they are in college and know their mom well) and they talked to him. If he still disagreed, he should have told me. I am not an unreasonable person, and then I could have skyped her with the kids or something like that.

I don't know. I feel pissed off at him and I feel like a big fat baby, too.


Andrea

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

Kerri W
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Posted: 8/1/2013 9:42:11 AM
I absolutely get where you are coming from. I really do. It was a sweet thought and you and your kids put so much effort into it. I see your side of it.


He did tell me a month ago that he didn't think my sister wanted a surprise and he wanted to tell her the day before


This tells me he knew something you (and her DDs) didn't. He told you she didn't want a surprise.

Mallie
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Posted: 8/1/2013 9:50:43 AM
I think he should have told you before telling her -- at least give you the chance to spring the surprise and have that bit of fun. I can't imainge why he wouldn't give you that opportunity. Seems kinda shitty to me.

My MIL was someone we could never tell about a surprise because she always had to be the one to get the fun of springing a surprise because it made her the center of attention for a minute or two. Is your BIL like that?

ScrapsontheRocks
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Posted: 8/1/2013 9:52:44 AM
You have every right to be annoyed. Your BIL should be ashamed of himself.

Aggiemom92
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Posted: 8/1/2013 9:58:08 AM

I'd be really pissed off at the BIL and I'd tell him so. With a lot of emphasis on how douchy he was.


And I'd add that I'd never trust him with a secret again.


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mikklynn
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Posted: 8/1/2013 10:01:30 AM
I agree he should have talked to you before telling her. That said, I am another that does not like this type of surprise, party or no! My sweet DIL had to talk DS out of coming for a surprise visit with the grandkids. I just have too much on my plate right now. I need time to plan.

I hope you can set it aside and have a great day!


Lynn



*~*amanda*~*
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Posted: 8/1/2013 10:08:14 AM
Id be a little miffed as well. Do you know why he told her?
Depending on the reason it might be understandable, but I'd still be upset.



auntkelly
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Posted: 8/1/2013 10:10:12 AM

Vent to us and then go and enjoy and have fun. Because that's really the point of it, right? Have a great time! What a nice gift to give her!


I agree. If I were you, I'd be very irritated w/ my BIL. However, if you come and your sis feels there is tension between you & her husband, she will not enjoy her day. I'd just try to suck it up and forget about it.


Ginny

megmc
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Posted: 8/1/2013 10:12:12 AM
I am right there with you.

For my husband's parent's 50th, I made a huge cake with all the bridges, and (but no fountain) ribbons. My husband made a lattice background that we decorated with flowers, tulle and lights. It was everything that a Bride could want. (His parents elope, so we were giving her the cake that she never got)

We didn't let them see any of this, just so we could see their faces they got there.

Husband's oldest (jackass to the extreme) brother and his wife (kids) took the parents over the the club were the party was going to be held, just to show them the cake.

Parents cried when they saw the cake. WE DIDN'T GET TO SEE IT! Brother said he did it because they didn't want Mother to be to SURPRISED!
He actually did it because he didn't want them to gush over what we(husband and I) did, during the party.

I am still a little PO'd to this day about it.

Yeap there are some people who need to be the "surpriser" .

Kiwi-Jo
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Posted: 8/1/2013 10:17:33 AM
You say that if he didn't think she should be surprised, he should have told you - but he did, didn't he? A month ago. So he's seen for a month that you still had no intention of telling her, so he did it.

Personally, I trust my DH to know the true ins and outs of what I like, far more than other people, even my adult children - we have pillow talk, you know? Times of talking together, when we say things that we just wouldn't say to others, about how we really feel and think.

In fact, I know I have told my DH how much I dislike surprises, and that on the occasions when others have surprised me with something I have to suck it up and pretend to be thrilled. I certainly wouldn't want to ruin their fun by telling them that I didn't enjoy being surprised. But I've told my DH, and I trust him to try to diffuse anyone's "bright idea" to give me a big surprise, if he knows about it.

To me, there is far, far more fun and excitement in anticipating something, looking forward to something, allowing the excitement to build. Probably only my husband knows how much I prefer that.




**Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, fact or tact are transmission errors.

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Really Red
Pea-ceful and Hap-pea

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Posted: 8/1/2013 10:41:20 AM

Parents cried when they saw the cake. WE DIDN'T GET TO SEE IT! Brother said he did it because they didn't want Mother to be to SURPRISED!


OMG. This is HORRIBLE. I am so sorry! But you hit the nail on the head when you said you missed your ILs' reaction. That is why I am sad, too.


You say that if he didn't think she should be surprised, he should have told you - but he did, didn't he? A month ago. So he's seen for a month that you still had no intention of telling her, so he did it.



No. Not at all. Not what I wrote at all. I told him I'd talk to his daughters and see what they thought. He said that was a good idea. They thought it was better to have a surprise and told him so. I thought that was the end of it. I have no problems (and have said that several times in this thread) if he thought she shouldn't be surprised, but after he agreed with his daughters and then he changed his mind (also ok), he should have told me that I needed to tell her, because otherwise he would because he wasn't comfortable with her being surprised. I am NOT upset that he wanted her to know. I am upset that he didn't allow me to tell MY surprise.


Andrea

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

melanell
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Posted: 8/1/2013 10:55:30 AM
I'd be annoyed. Because this wasn't something you planned all out and then told your BIL about.

So he can't use the "Oh, I know she doesn't like surprises" line, because if that were truly the case then he should have told you from the get go.

(And you would likely already know that, anyway.)

So I'm having a hard time coming up with a reason why he had to tell her.

Even if she was getting suspicious or she was about to make other plans, he could have called/emailed/texted you and said "The gig is up, you need to tell her now.". At least then you could have still been the one to present the surprise.



Really Red
Pea-ceful and Hap-pea

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Posted: 8/1/2013 11:11:08 AM

Even if she was getting suspicious or she was about to make other plans, he could have called/emailed/texted you and said "The gig is up, you need to tell her now.". At least then you could have still been the one to present the surprise.


Exactly.

I've been stewing a bit all morning. I think all I really need to get past this is an apology from BIL. Seriously, if he said it by accident, and he said that to me, I'd forgive him instantly. I know we all can let something drop. I didn't get the impression it was an accident, though. I would just even be happy if he said to me that he really didn't realize it meant so much to me and he was sorry. That would honestly be enough for me.

I doubt he will do it, though, as he is one who often feels justified by anything he says and does. 95% of the time it doesn't matter, but in a situation like this, I don't see him apologizing and I think that is why I am so annoyed.


Andrea

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

voltagain
OklaPhoma

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Posted: 8/1/2013 11:28:20 AM
I would be sooo mad at you! If my husband had kept a secret KNOWING I don't like secrets, even happy fun secrets, he'd be sleeping in the stree for the next six weeks.

Your focus is on the fun you had planning, the fun you had of anticipating and totally ignoring your sister's feelings. All that matters is me, me, me.

She said she was happy to know in advance. Believe her.

No pvm here. We'd have had a major sisterly fight instead of the good times you anticipated.


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KatieBPea
AncestralPea

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Posted: 8/1/2013 1:03:34 PM
I would be annoyed. In the end, it isn't worth making an issue over, but I certainly wouldn't ever share anything sensitive with someone like that.

Focus on the great time you're going to have with your sister.

ETA:

If my husband had kept a secret KNOWING I don't like secrets, even happy fun secrets, he'd be sleeping in the street for the next six weeks.

I guess this is that part that only the people involved really know for sure--as far as whether or not the sister doesn't like surprises. I know plenty of people who don't like surprise parties or surprises in general, but I also know plenty of self-important jerks who feel totally justified in spoiling secrets or sharing sensitive info.



I-95
It's all just nonsense anyway!

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Posted: 8/1/2013 1:58:37 PM
Oh, I'd be seriously upset. Even if there was a legitimate reason for him spilling the secret, the least he could have done would be to let you know in advance, so you could tell her!

For my 40th birthday we surprised my mom by having my party in the town where she lived. This involved international travel, coordinating my siblings, their spouses and dozens of nieces and nephews. Everyone kept the secret and mom was totally blown away to have all her children, their spouses and her grandchildren all in the same room, for the first time in 22 years!! I would have been devastated if anyone had blown the secret.

*Delphinium Twinkle*
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Posted: 8/1/2013 2:55:43 PM
Your BIL is a donkey


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