|Posted: 10/5/2013 3:45:43 PM|
Without giving too many details (and they may not even matter): My step daughter (SD) is dating a guy that me and DH do not like.
It's kind of a long detailed reason why but it comes down to not liking his character. We kept our mouths shut when she dated him. Then they broke up and we were so relieved. Now they are back together. She was dating a new great guy and dumped him to get back together with her ex as soon as he said he wanted to get back together.
DH told her in a round about way that he may not be what she thinks (he didn't want to come out and flat out say he didn't like him) so he like danced around the topic, trying to hint that he isn't crazy about him.
She got a little mad and asked, "can you believe he said that to me?" I bit my tongue. I wanted to tell her so bad that I don't like him and why but I don't know if it's even appropriate to say anything to her.
|Posted: 10/5/2013 3:46:45 PM|For the record, she's had a few boyfriends that we just LOVED. This is the first one we don't like and they are talking marriage.
Loc: State of cultural confusion. Yeehaw and Aloha have collided!
|Posted: 10/5/2013 3:54:41 PM|
A parent to their child... maybe. Your dh has had his say with his dd.
I'd leave it at that.
At the most I'd have a casual philosophical discussion on why do we pick the people we do when we fall in love. I'd make NO mention of how I felt about her choices in men (either bad or good!) or even talk about her. Keep it impersonal.
If the marriage goes bad she may stay in it longer because she will feel like you guys won't "be there" for her because she made a bad choice.
Loc: Washington State
|Posted: 10/5/2013 3:55:09 PM|
That's such a landmine. I have a friend with a real jerk of a husband (selfish guy). She will bitch and moan about him all the time. Early on I did agree with her over some things and later regretted it. They make up and then I am the jerk who doesn't like her husband.
|Posted: 10/5/2013 4:01:06 PM|
i think it's a fine line - if things aren't going well and she thinks you guys don't like him, she would be less likely to confide in you.
my dd is younger but i just ask leading questions like, 'why do you think he would say that' or 'what do you think she was trying to accomplish by doing that' to get her thinking.
i think you should say your dh is only concerned because he cares about you and doesn't want to see you hurt. and remind her she is lucky to have a caring father.
|Posted: 10/5/2013 4:05:18 PM|
That is one of those tricky situations.
If you see something in him that would eventually cause her problems, find some way to let her know. Asking question are good. Try to get her thinking. Now, that doesn't mean she will listen and she may even be mad but you can keep a clear conscience.
Loc: Southern Oregon
|Posted: 10/5/2013 4:06:55 PM|
I would have told her the first time She dated him. I know if it were my daughter I would have told her. It might not have made a difference to her but I don't play those games.
I surely would NOT have done this.........
"DH told her in a round about way that he may not be what she thinks (he didn't want to come out and flat out say he didn't like him) so he like danced around the topic, trying to hint that he isn't crazy about him."
But my daughter and I have a very open and honest relationship and if I would have done that then she would have known something was up any way...
|Posted: 10/5/2013 4:57:41 PM|
Tread very carefully here! My parents expressed their displeasure with my sisters boyfriend (I believe it was when he told her he'd like a break and she should move out.) She was hysterical, my parents moved her and within probably a couple weeks they were living together again. I'd guess this is the point at which they expressed their concerns.
There was a rift for years because of it! My sister is still not as close to them as she was. That all happened almost 20 years ago. He's still around (a bigger loser than he was then!) Everybody bites their tongue now because there are kids involved and no on wants to lose that relationship.
My own dd is in her 20's now... She's had a boyfriend that has dumped her twice now. I asked recently if she was done giving him chances and she didn't have much to say. I know if he wants her back, she'll take him. I don't like that about him, but I keep my mouth buttoned and hope she finds someone else who treats her better.
|Posted: 10/5/2013 5:26:03 PM|
We had this issue a few years back. Both my husband and I didn't care for our daughters boyfriend. It's a hard position to be in. When my daughter asked me "what I thought" of him at first I told her I didn't know him well enough, but after awhile she asked again and I flat out told her. The number one thing I hate most is lying. No matter what it seems to come back and nip you in the hinder. If I would have told her I liked him every time I would have talk to her I know she would have talked about him and all that charming stuff and my lie (about pretending to like him) would go on and on and on and I just felt it wasn't right. My daughter and I have a very very close relationship and by not telling her the truth was an injustice to her.
She did continue dating him for a few months afterwards and eventually they broke up. And, no we didn't have any part in that. Today, she see's him through our eyes, back then, and is so grateful.
I've read other posts on this too and it could have went the other way. It's a tough situation.
Best Wishes ~
Loc: Middle of the USA
|Posted: 10/5/2013 5:31:25 PM|
Very tough situation.
I hope it works out for her sake. I would have a hard time not saying anything...
Nani ke Ola
|Posted: 10/5/2013 6:16:16 PM|
That's a tough situation.
I just went through this last month with one of my close friends. SHe is going through a divorce and of course everyone is saying that they didn't really see them together for the long haul before they got married. So she complained and made everyone promise to tell her if they didn't like her bf's or if she was going to marry someone.
So guess what, shes dating this guy who absolutely creeps me out for numerous reasons. long story. Shes still married and living with her husband. now moving into her bf house. I told her flat out that I disagreed with her decision to move in with her bf so soon after/during her divorce,and that she could do a lot better than her constantly drunk bf.
Could I have said it better? yes,
Do I feel better for saying something, Oh yes
is she talking to me right now? Nope
I couldn't keep quiet though. And I don't like lying to friends.
As for a child, that's tough. I know I would have appreciated it if my mom had sat down and talked to me if she didn't like a serious bf of mine.
|Posted: 10/5/2013 6:21:34 PM|
Such a tricky situation. If my parents felt this way I would have wanted them to tell me with actual examples of whatever they didn't like. Even if I stayed with him, I would know. If its a gut feeling without actual facts to back it up then that's a whole lot trickier.
Interestingly enough, my DH was married before and when he and his ex divorced, everyone that found out told him how they never liked her even before they got married. His parents, his brothers, his friends ......all of them just kept silent. He told them how he wished they would've said something to him. They are such opposites and didn't share any values or well you know the important stuff so it was doomed from the beginning.
|Posted: 10/5/2013 8:02:16 PM|
With my kids, I say my piece. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't.
With friends/family, I am very careful.
I did tell my cousin that I hated her dh (abusive alcoholic) and it opened up a dialogue in which she expressed her belief that ALL men were like her dh (because her father was like that), but women hid the truth from each other. So she thought what he did was normal. Our very long conversation led to her going to see a therapist and finally leaving his sorry ass. So I am very glad I told her the truth or she might still be with him... or dead, by now.
Old Pea Coven member wannabe
Loc: here, there and everywhere
|Posted: 10/5/2013 8:05:48 PM|
I don't say anything. IMO, it's usually a bad idea.
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
|Posted: 10/5/2013 9:59:31 PM|
No way! I think that will make them defend the person. I would keep my mouth shut and let her figure it out for herself. If my mom said anything negative about a boy I was dating or a girl my brother was dating (although he didn't date much, but my mom didn't like his friends), it made us do the opposite of what she wanted.
If she asks your opinion, I would suggest that you don't like certain things about him, but don't be too mean or negative.
Loc: Where the Wild Things Are
|Posted: 10/5/2013 10:10:15 PM|
I've done it, and lost friends (their choice).
I've not done it, and lost friends (my choice; could not take it any more).
I think it's a different but equally difficult call when it's family, though, and especially when it's the SO of a child. I haven't been through that yet, so my only advice is to go with your heart. It usually gives the best direction.
Peaing under the Radar
Loc: In the Middle
|Posted: 10/5/2013 10:27:40 PM|
In a parent/child situation, I think it could be appropriate.
I have friends whose daughter is dating a guy they despise. They have let her know that they don't like him. I agree with them that she would be making a big mistake to marry him (she and the boyfriend are talking marriage), but I would never say anything. When asked, my response is that I don't know him all that well, but if there's anyone who has her best interests at heart, it's her parents, so she shouldn't discount what they say too much.
I'm not sure what your relationship is with your stepdaughter. If it's a mother/daughter relationship, then I might be inclined to say something. If not, then I think you let your husband handle it, as you have. Good luck - this situation is a minefield.
Loc: Norfolk VA
|Posted: 10/5/2013 10:37:34 PM|
I could never lie or "dance around" such a question from my kid or my step-kid, even. (Yes, I know it's not the same as if they're your kid, but ... if they ask me what I think, I will SAY IT.)
Friends -- I would make excuses not to be around them. I don't think it's my place to tell a friend that I think she's dating a jerkwad. I'd just be magically busy if they tried to get together with me. I don't do drama, and I don't want the hangover if they break up/if they never break up/etc. As far as I'm concerned, my friends' choices belong only to them, as do the consequences of those choices (unless she was in a one-time spot of danger or something -- if it were a situation where I kept bailing her out of an abusive relationship and she kept running back to him, I'd seriously rethink my level of friendship with her).
I've seen enough lives ruined over poor relationship choices. I'd have to share my opinion with my kid.
It would also depend on how old the "kid" is -- whether she's 19 or 30, for instance -- and how "set" she is in other aspects of her life. Does she have a fulfilling career, other friends, a life outside the relationship? Or is she just jerkwad's doormat?
Finally Four of Us
Regional vice president of the National Sarcasm Society (Like We Need Your Support)
Senior Executive Vice President, Dunder-Mifflin Paper Co., Scranton PA
"Every time I use a coupon, Satan gets another one of his toenails pulled out."
M in Carolina
nothing could be finer than to be back in Carolina
|Posted: 10/6/2013 3:26:45 AM|
I was very concerned with what my parents, especially my dad thought about my boyfriend. Dad loved him--once he forgave him for taking his baby away... My boyfriend put my needs first. There were some small things that he did that drove my mom nuts, but she's never pleased with anything.
It made me feel good that my daddy liked my choice in a spouse. I sometimes thought my dad loved my husband more. He was so proud of how dh provided for me and helped me when I got sick. I know he didn't worry about how I'd be when he died.
I found out later that my mom didn't tell me the truth about some instances when I asked here opinion. The fact that I acted like the adult I was and asked her opinion, like on a car, and she couldn't be honest really changed my relationship with her.
Loc: The South
|Posted: 10/6/2013 7:25:02 AM|
It depends....how old is your SD? With a teenager, it might be worth giving her some guidance, but with an older person, MYOB.
Case in point, my mother chose to tell me that she doesn't like DH, years after we were married and had kids. Since marriage is "leaving mother and father," I "chose" DH and my relationship with my mother has suffered.
Wife, Mommy, and First Grade Teacher
"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."
The Banana Under the Couch Pea
Loc: Somewhere over the rainbow...
|Posted: 10/6/2013 7:35:22 AM|
I was once engaged to someone my parents didn't like one bit. The more they expressed their dislike of him (my mom did so more often than my dad), the more I clung to him.
I'm not saying not to tell your SD how you feel and what your concerns are. I think it's a good idea that you are honest with her. But you also have to be willing to let her make her own decisions about the relationship. Don't badger her with your opinion and don't hold it against her if she stays with him.
She'll figure it out eventually...
|Posted: 10/6/2013 8:26:11 AM|
Thanks for the advice. I do think there's a negative side to telling her, I'll probably keep my mouth shut for now.
One of my concerns is that she only wants to be with him because they attend the same church and she ultimately wants to marry someone in her church and it's slim pickings (small following). We do not attended the church, btw, it's her mother's church. So I did say that to her. I told her I hoped she wasn't forcing it to work just because he goes to her church and she swore up and down it wasn't.
I thought that was why she was ignoring the obvious signs of his personality so to speak.
Loc: mid New York state
|Posted: 10/6/2013 9:59:23 AM|
i find it very sad that we as adult people can't take any disagreement with our choices... i type this with the rueful knowledge that i am not good at taking criticism myself. Ideally, there should be a way to tell her you love her and support and will stand by her always to the best of your ability, always, but... you do not care for this man. Or that you do not care for this particular personality trait you see in him.
i think if it comes up i (hope i) would say something - maybe not "We both hate him and think you're making a stupid terrible choice in this useless loser" but maybe "Well.... i do worry that he seems to do ____ or is very ____ a lot or that you don't seem as happy or [whatever]" These are things that i think are worth talking about with the people we love because...well, we love them.
.. .. ..
When I'm old, I don't want them to say of me, "She's so charming!", I want them to say, "Be careful, I think she's armed!" - G. Stoddart
I like pizza Steve
Loc: West Jordan UT
|Posted: 10/6/2013 1:44:15 PM|
My husband finally had enough and told his brother exactly what he thought of his wife. It started a *huge* fight between the couple and between my husband and his brother. They didn't talk for a year. It also stirred up stuff with the rest of the family (apparently everyone else felt the same way, but didn't think it should have been said).
In the end the couple divorced and the brother thanked my husband for helping him "see the light" (brother said he saw all the things in his wife that my husband said, but felt "crazy" because everyone else thought she was a saint).
Normally though I think you end up looking like the bad guy and the good intentions back fire.