How far would you go to keep your teen daughter away from a boy you thought was bad news?

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Posted 9/14/2010 by sdflenner in NSBR Board
 

sdflenner
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Posted: 9/14/2010 9:38:35 PM
I'm going to try to keep this as coherent as possible, and try to give you as much information without this being too long, lol.

I'm at my wit's end right now.

DD is 17. Last school year she started dating a boy that she has been friends with since we moved here over two years ago. When they first met, he was really immature (he's younger than her @ 16). She felt that he had "grown up" and decided to finally date him.

Things were going good for awhile. Then the "possessive" behavior started.

I'll give you a few scenarios:

Dd's friend had a grand opening of a restaurant her family owned. Dd went with a bunch of girls, while boyfriend had to stay at school and take a test. After awhile, dd asked me if she could go to boyfriend's house. I said no, only because she had been gone for several days and had stuff to do. Boyfriend flipped out, sending her massive amounts of texts saying, "I'm glad I f***ing hurried with my test so I can sit here by myself," or "I hope you're having a f***ing great time while I'm at home doing nothing." Tons of texts like that.

Another two instances have to do with trips that she had to go on for school competitions (drafting). The first one went fine, as far as I know. Except that she has a friend that takes lots of pics and dd happened to be in several with miscellaneous boys that are also in the drafting program. Boyfriend FREAKED. He accused her of everything under the sun.

The next time a competition came around, he made the entire weekend HELL for her. So many texts asking her what she's doing, who she's doing it with, who's with her, etc. She had competitions each day and he just made her a nervous wreck. She didn't even enjoy herself, except for the fact that she and her partner won first place (yay!!). And, when she came back and her picture friend posted the pics...dd was in two. And she was by herself. She had to make sure she wasn't in any pics with any guys, even if they were in the background.

During their relationship, I'd say she spent about 70% of it trying to make him feel better about himself, 20% of it trying to justify anything she was doing that didn't include him, and 10% of it happy. It was just SO much work to keep him from being down on himself, and it really really stressed her out.

So, fast forward six months into their relationship, and boyfriend gets busted for kissing another girl. Oh, but SHE kissed HIM. Dd breaks up with him.

Now, here's where I need help. I need help in telling me I'm wrong. I need help in telling my I'm right. I just need advice, lol.

She CANNOT get over him. She still loves him. He still loves her. They still text all the time. He's in several clubs with her. And they are on the same soccer team so she sees him at least twice a week outside of school.

I can't make her see that he was verbally abusive and controlling. She says she can't stop loving him and will always love him and I can't do anything to stop her. I *can* take away phone privileges, computer access, move teams, etc., and I told her that. But she won't stop with him.

Am I right in wanting her to stay away from him at all costs? Am I wrong? I'm ready to take everything away from her, lol. But am I over-reacting? Should I let them work it out? Or do I stand my ground?

Every time we talk about it, I think I'm getting through to her, but she still does the same stuff (texting, Fbing, hugging him) and I can't get her to stop. She's holding herself back from other boys because she can't stand to think of him with another girl, so she's not dating anyone. She has plenty of boys that are friends, but she won't get serious with any of them because of the ex.

I'm ready to take anything you all have, lol.

What do you think?


Stephanie
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Ouiser
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Posted: 9/14/2010 9:45:31 PM
I got nothing. I don't think there is anything you can do. They are young. They are still in school and they will both live thru it. Mom on the other hand?? LOL She knows what she "should" do, but she is the only one that can do it. Taking stuff away won't change a thing. Did she show you his texts? Maybe you should text back. lol Or have your dh do a drive by. Maybe a wellness check?

Im_pea_tient
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 9/14/2010 9:47:06 PM
My younger sister dated a guy like that in high school. This was before cell phones and texting, so he didn't do that kind of thing, but he was possesive. Anyway, everyone tried to tell her that he was bad news. It didn't work. Eventually she figured it out, but, according to her, the fact that we didn't like him and told her so just drove her farther into his arms.


Free~Bird
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Posted: 9/14/2010 9:51:41 PM
where is dad in all this? Dad needs to put the fear of god in him.

Like, invite him for dinner and then when he comes in, dad is cleaning a shot gun at the dining room table. LOL.

Really, there's not a lot that you can do imo. If you say she can't see him, she'll want him more and then one day she'll let you know she's pg and dropping out of college.
UGH.

I think if it were me, if she INSISTED on being with him, then I'd make sure to spend a whole lot of time with him too. The more uncomfortable he is, the less attractive she'll be.


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Posted: 9/14/2010 9:51:41 PM
i don't think you can make her get over him, but i would keep her busy so she doesn't have as much time to spend with him/think of him. when the right new person comes along, she will go for it. i guess just be glad she's still not with him.

if she were a little younger, it would be easier to put your foot down. but at 17, you kind of have to ride it out.

Rebelyelle
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Posted: 9/14/2010 9:54:09 PM
Frankly, those are big fat red flags to me, and I see why you're concerned. I would be tempted to let her make her own mistakes...after all, at 17 she needs to start forming her own opinions and be her own judge of character. But then again...she's ONLY 17. It's such a hard age. You think that you're an adult, when in reality, you're still just a kid with a whole heck of a lot to learn.

My younger sister dated a guy like that in high school. This was before cell phones and texting, so he didn't do that kind of thing, but he was possesive. Anyway, everyone tried to tell her that he was bad news. It didn't work. Eventually she figured it out, but, according to her, the fact that we didn't like him and told her so just drove her farther into his arms.


I had the same experience with my best friend junior year of high school. She and I ended up really having it out, and we never spoke again. It was sad...I felt I needed to stand up for her, but lost her over it. Even though it didn't work out between them (she was smart enough to figure out that he was a loser), she didn't need me to fight her battles. I feel as though with a parent, it might be even worse. You might (within reason, of course!) need to let her make her own mistakes. If she's smart and self-assured (which she sounds like she is!) she'll make the right choice and come around in her own time. Forcing her might only make it worse.

Nyxish
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Posted: 9/14/2010 9:56:56 PM


In looking back to how stunningly stupid i was at 17 (which is not to say your dd is stupid in any way) i would say you probably have to let her figure a lot of this out for herself. However, you can calmly and lovingly support her (call on *all* of the saintly mom patience you've learned) by calmly reminding her that she deserves better, that a good man will trust her and if he's worried will calmly and respectfully ask her a question, not throw accusations and then pull a whole bunch of emotional manipulation when he realizes he's running out of rope and might hang himself.

Don't take any issue with the fact she still loves him - she might or does or thinks she does - it doesn't matter. What matters is if she can know she loves him (or "loves" him, i say, age-istly) but that he's not good for or to her and she deserves better. There's a pop song that reminds me of this - La La La by Auburn i think. (it got stuck in my head on the highway traffic in LA... at least it's not as simpering as others...)


And you know what? if she wants to waste time dramatically pining over him... it builds character - or hopefully teaches her not to pine over men who aren't worth it (or ever... a lesson i never learned). Some things she is just going to have to figure out herself - with some gentle but firm guidance from Mom. The drama of this situation - however attractive when you're 17 - is not worth the pain. With luck she can figure that out NOW (or very, very soon) and never do this again.



He sounds like a schmeckle. i hope she stays rid of him.

good luck!





.. .. ..

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sdflenner
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Posted: 9/14/2010 9:58:12 PM
Thanks for the replies so far.

To clarify a few things: Dad works out of town four days a week. He agrees in that we both do not like this boy and we don't want her with him, but if I decided we should give them another chance, I could persuade him, lol.

It's really hard to keep her away from him when they are in the same clubs and on the same soccer team. During school, they see each other in the halls and I obviously can't control that. But now they see each other in the other things. And they text ALL. THE. TIME.

He knows how dh and I feel about him and how he treated our daughter. He wanted to talk to us when they first broke up but we had nothing to say to him, lol. Nothing nice, anyway.

He had no problem hanging out at our house before all of this, but I'm not sure how he would feel now. And frankly, for the way he treated my daughter, I don't WANT him in my house, kwim? His family LOVES dd, and as far as we know, they think the reason they aren't together is because of the kiss/other girl. I don't think they have any idea how their son treated my daughter. Oh, except for the time I had to call his mom and find out if he was okay because he was telling dd that he was going to kill himself by stepping into traffic on the highway. Yeah, that was a fun night.


Stephanie
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jely_bean
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Posted: 9/14/2010 10:02:49 PM
As the owner of bad choices in boys while in high school, and college for that matter, there isn't a lot you can do. My parents sort of sat back and let me figure it out. It worked. To this day I get the willies thinking about some of my choices (WHAT WAS I THINKING!!). I think if my parents would have said no, I would have dug my nails in further.

All you can do is voice your opinion. I would invite him over. If you can't make them stop the texting and all, get him over on your turf. (I wouldn't say no to the shot gun bit.) And make sure she doesn't start quitting things she enjoys, keep her occupied.

Good luck! I'm not looking forward to my time with my daughter in this situation. It's bound to happen.

JD

KimberlyR
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Posted: 9/14/2010 11:06:11 PM
I don't know if this will help a teenager but what about having her hang around a couple with a really good relationship? What if she saw how a boyfriend and girlfriend should treat each other? Maybe it might start to sneak in her mind that what he is doing isn't right.

I know as a recently divorced woman, I have noticed a lot of relationships where a man treats a woman really good.

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Posted: 9/14/2010 11:19:31 PM
My best advice to you is 2 parts:

1. The more you take away from her, the more you will drive her to him. The more you badmouth him, the more defensive she will get. Encourage her to stay active with friends and clubs and stuff. She *will* wake up, but not because you shake her awake.

2. Have you heard the mafia saying: keep your friends close and your enemies closer? Well, Wench's saying is: keep your friends close, your enemies closer and your dd's boyfriend in your back pocket. LOL. Invite boyfriend to hang with family, to go places with dd and family, etc. Treat him well, and when he is an ass to you, she *will* wake up.

I know the above advice is counter-intuitive-I, too, would want to beat the crap out of any boy that doesn't treat my dd well. My oldest dd's first boyfriend was a bit of a possessive jerk. We made him part of our family (blech it about killed me) and it didn't take dd long to figure out he is a douche. I am certain if we had taken away priveleges and bad-mouthed him, it would not have ended as quickly as it did.

It is hard to stand by and watch our dd's make a colossal mistake. Unfortunately, some don't learn from you sharing your experiences, they have to learn after falling flat on their face. Just be there with bandaids and kisses when she does fall.

Good luck and hugs.

(My advice would be different if boyfriend were physically abusive. *I* would kick the crap out him.)


----Theresa

birukitty
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Posted: 9/15/2010 12:00:52 AM
It sounds to me like he is being emotionally abusive, possessive, and controlling towards you daughter. These are all red flags for me. I spent 8 years in a marriage with a man that was emotionally abusive and in the end physically abusive. I left the second time he hit me. I wished then that someone would have told me (my family, my friends) how they really had felt about him (of course they all hated him) and what a dangerous situation I was in. I was 25 when I married him.

I can see how your daughter is enthralled with this guy. These men are very manipulative. They are like spiders that spin you into their web. It's almost like being in a spell, you don't think realistically, and justify for yourself things he has done. I don't have the stats, but I'm sure that a majority of these men end up being physically abusing to their partners.

Your daughter is young and inexperienced. She doesn't know anything about how dangerous her situation is-that all men don't treat their partners this way, that she deserves someone who respects her and treats her with love and care.

I would advise you to contact you local women's shelter (they have counselors etc.) and tell them what is going on with your daughter. They should be able to give you good advice on how best to deal with your daughter and help her-not drive her further into his arms. Maybe one of the counselors (a young looking woman) could come to your home and be sitting there with you when your daughter comes home. You could introduce her by name (not where she is from) and let the counselor talk privately with your daughter-she can tell her how to recognize signs of abusive behavior, how it happened to her, how it doesn't mean she was stupid, just inexperienced and vulnerable. How it begins and what it felt like to her (the counselors) story. The counselor could leave her business card with your daughter, and tell her to please call her at anytime to talk. Then after she's left do not mention this to your daughter at anytime. She needs to feel like the counselor is someone to trust.

Anyway, that's what I would do if I were you. Keep us updated on how things go. Please pmail me anytime if you'd like to "talk" further. Take care and good luck.

Debbie in MD.


bindersbee
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Posted: 9/15/2010 12:54:40 AM
Perhaps you can put his parents on notice that you are tracking his every move and unless they want to have some big legal bills- they'd better step up. MAYBE they'll decide they want to keep their boy safe from you! Are they aware of his obsessive behavior?



Pea -a Rican
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Posted: 9/15/2010 1:05:59 AM
DS was in a bad relationship his Senior year and when I asked him this question, I swear it finally made a crack. I asked him point blank "are you having fun?"

I know, sounds simple, but I pointed out that he seemed more unahppy in this relationship than any other time in his life and was this what he wanted for himself. I pointed out that good relationships have hard times, it's natural but to constantly be fighting and upset was not natural and typically doesn't get better.

He thanks me all the time now for helping him get out of that relationship. I made sure to follow up with him and point out all of the "red flags" that he missed early in the relationship.

I hope things work out for you....



manomo
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Posted: 9/15/2010 1:13:01 AM
birukitty has already said what I came here to say. Your daughter has been (and continues to be) in an abusive and controlling relationship. I would get advice from whatever local agency deals with domestic violence. Even if he hasn't hit her, this kind of controlling behavior definitely falls under that category.

rainbow_scrapper
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Posted: 9/15/2010 1:18:14 AM

Perhaps you can put his parents on notice that you are tracking his every move and unless they want to have some big legal bills- they'd better step up.

Big legal bills for what?



Delaniemw
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Posted: 9/15/2010 1:18:16 AM
My first thought is that you need to preserve your relationship with your daughter. You are her support and escape route, if and when she needs it.

From what I understand, controlling people tend to try and cut the persons connection to other people, thereby making them more dependent. It's something to consider.



peaburt
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Posted: 9/15/2010 1:36:02 AM
Please read this book: To Be an Anchor in the Storm. In her first edition the author had a section on helping younger girls through these situations.

I no longer have my copy as it was loaned out and disappeared but it is really the best resource out there for helping you help someone who is in an abused, controlling situation.

PB


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gar
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Posted: 9/15/2010 3:08:54 AM
You can't force her emotions one way or the other, that's true, and if you keep on telling her what you think of him you could end up pushing her further towards him. She knows how you feel and inside she may have doubts but she will just have to go through the process and have you there when she comes out the other side. It sounds like infatuation but we all know how strong emotions can feel at that age. One day she'll probably just wake up and realise she doesn't really love him at all and move on. Keep things good between the two of you because she'll need you not to be saying "I told you so" when it does fall apart.

dragonflyfree
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Posted: 9/15/2010 3:40:18 AM

birukitty has already said what I came here to say. Your daughter has been (and continues to be) in an abusive and controlling relationship. I would get advice from whatever local agency deals with domestic violence. Even if he hasn't hit her, this kind of controlling behavior definitely falls under that category.



From what I understand, controlling people tend to try and cut the persons connection to other people, thereby making them more dependent. It's something to consider.


I agree with everyone else on the fact that trying to keep them apart won't work, but please heed the advice I quoted above. My SIL married her high school sweetheart who was this exact same way. Fast forward 15 years and she 'finally' sees his abusive behavior and goes through a terrible divorce- the verbal abuse escalated. 2 years later and she is in a custody battle from hell. He can hide his behavior from everyone else, or they make excuses for it. It's awful to see her suffer daily from his continual verbal and emotional abuse. His controlling behavior separated her from family and friends, so leaving him was very difficult for her.

She says she wishes that she and her XDH had spent more time with her parents when they were first dating and her parents call him out on the unexcusable behavior. Letting her know that she deserves better and to 'catch' him in the act of abuse at an early part in their relationship. Her parents didn't ever really comment until after they were married, and told her to 'stand' up to him. You don't ever really 'stand' up to people like this, you have to leave them.

I know it must be terrible to watch and not do anything. It shows how much you love your DD. Continue to point out his abuse, and tell her she deserves better and that you love her no matter what. She'll get it eventually, we all just hope sooner rather than later.


Bec



SweetiePie Pea
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Posted: 9/15/2010 5:32:34 AM
not sure what advice to give but if she doesn't snap out of it and see this relationship for what it really is she will just pick another jerk that acts the same way. maybe worse.

I think it is safe to say she has some self esteem issues?? have you considered seeking professional help?

my sister started off much like your DD. she is now estranged from our family. basically homeless yet still supporting this jerk. I wish my Mom had gotten her help back in HS when we first started seeing signs of the bad relationships she was choosing. she's now in her early 30's.


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Really Red
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Posted: 9/15/2010 5:56:50 AM
There is an excellent book that Carolyn Hax always recommends when a person isn't sure she is being abused. Carolyn always suggests it when the signs are those that your DD is being given. Perhaps you could tell her that after she read that book (I will look for the name after kids go to school) if she still feels this is a healthy relationship, then you will support it if - and only if - all their contact is at your house.

I would be at a loss. I am so sorry. It's frustrating to see your DD like that.

One other thing. I have read stories about parents whose children have died because of their friends (this is drug-related, not abuse) and in every single case, they have felt that their biggest mistake was not getting their child away from that "bad" person. These are parents with mostly good kids getting caught in a bad crowd.

So how far would I go? I'd move and take away cell for a few months. The relationship sounds very very frightening to me.

I will find you the name of that book.


Andrea

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dotingmom
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Posted: 9/15/2010 7:28:36 AM
I'm sorry I have no advice because I am in the same situation, but with the sexes reversed. My DS is YOUR DD and he has a controlling and manipulative and possessive girlfriend. His goes back to them being friends in 7th grade and starting to date in 8th. They are seniors now (she was 17 in March and he'll turn 17 this December). She's broken up with him 3 times over the years and every time he goes back when she wants him back. The last time was just before Junior prom and a week after the break up she already had a date with a different guy lined up. My DS was crushed. Yet...they are back together AGAIN for Senior year.

I'm just waiting for College and hoping that he'll meet someone at school and be done with her forever.

GOOD LUCK!!!

CamiCar
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Posted: 9/15/2010 7:36:55 AM
I think it's important to let her know that this behavior is neither normal nor okay. Silence implies consent, you know?

My story: When I was a senior in high school, my long-time boyfriend commented to my father that he loved me so much, wanted to marry me, but he was afraid I would go away to college and leave him, so could he have permission to smack me around until I saw the light? My father said nothing. Not one word. If I'd had only my father as an adult in my life, I would have thought it was okay for my boyfriend to smack me around. Luckily, my high school sociology teacher had a section on domestic violence in which he very strongly told us that violence against women is never acceptable and should never be tolerated. Without that modeling, who knows what my response to my boyfriend's desire to smack me around might have been? With it, I knew what I needed to do and did it. [ETA: Note that my father never raised a hand to any woman or even swatted us on the butt. So I don't know what his silence meant -- he always denied any memory of this conversation whatsoever. But silence = consent.]




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Really Red
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Posted: 9/15/2010 7:51:07 AM
I found it: The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker

Read about it, read it yourself. I have not read it, but Carolyn Hax is a big supporter and I think she's great. She's a DC based advice columnist.

I guess I am just worried because you say "bad news", but verbally abusive is more than just bad news. It wasn't once it was ALL the time.

Finally, why are they on the same soccer team? We have no mixed teams around here. That's the first thing I'd take away.

I think you are right to take this seriously. It is concerning. Good luck.


Andrea

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

KikiNichole

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Posted: 9/15/2010 8:15:12 AM
My 21 year old daughter dated this same type of boy for two years. My husband and I *detested* him. He literally changed who she was for a period of time.

We had very similar incidents of possession, like you described. He actually went *off* on my husband and I over the phone because we would not let our 17 year old daughter spend Christmas with his family. I remember him screaming into the phone to us 'SHE'S 17 YEARS OLD...YOU REALLY NEED TO LET HER MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS!'

To which my husband replied, 'We do. She's dating your dumbass isn't she?'

And that was only one instance. As far as boyfriends go, he was truly a parents' worst nightmare. They had bitter arguments, that I think may have gotten physical (though my daughter would never admit that); she cried over him more often than she was happy with him.

She even tried to quit basketball, a sport she had played since she was five and one that would eventually gain her scholarship to college. He didn't like the time it took away from him. Luckily, he was never quite able to totally convince her to quit, but her game suffered when it counted most, that's for sure.

Anyway, I tell you all of this so you know that I understand where you're coming from. I do. But also to share my experience...the harder I fought, the closer they got. The more frequently we pointed out his faults, the more apt she was to defend him. It got so bad, I even turned to some of her teachers and coaches for help. I think they had more to do with her finding her way past him than I did...because she would *talk* to them and was able to without all the emotion that was stunting our conversations.

And curiously enough, we started to pretend that we liked him (and honestly, by the end, we did -- not enough to want them to stay together but enough to not want to kill him)...but as we started including him in more family functions, asking positive lined questions about him, talking to him when he was around...that kind of stuff...DD decided he wasn't for her afterall.

So the best advice I can offer is to continue to talk to your daughter about the type of relationship you'd *like* for her to have, but never in a manner that is insulting to him. Slap a smile on your face and try to welcome him as much as you can. If your daughter is like mine, she's had 17 years of strong foundation. Eventually, that foundation will rise to the surface again and she'll toss him like a hot potato. But I can almost guarantee that the longer *you* drag your feet, the longer she will.

Good luck!

Kristen

cdnstorelady
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 9/15/2010 8:44:37 AM
Has your DD (in school) ever had a class where they talked about relationship abuse, warning signs, etc. If so, you might remind her of some of these things. I know my DDs talked about this in grade 9 (health I think) and grade 10.

If not, I'm sure there is information from independents sources that she might be more open to receiving it from than her "overprotective" parents.

WillowJane
Running the Marathon, Not the Sprint

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Posted: 9/15/2010 8:52:03 AM
    Wench's saying is: keep your friends close, your enemies closer and your dd's boyfriend in your back pocket. LOL. Invite boyfriend to hang with family, to go places with dd and family, etc. Treat him well, and when he is an ass to you, she *will* wake up.


I love Wenchie!!! Great advice!!!



angievp
Ideay pues?

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Posted: 9/15/2010 9:13:30 AM
I know this may sound horrible, but have you ever considered transferring her out of the school? If you want to force her to cut off ties with him, maybe you have a sister or brother that lives in another town or state that she can live with for a while?

I know it sounds radical. In my family, many girls have been caught up with exactly the same type of man, and the family tried the "familiarity breeds contempt" approach, hoping the person would see the jerk for who he really was. Guess what? didn't work.

Annabella
Leads a Charmed Life

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Posted: 9/15/2010 9:25:34 AM

Boyfriend flipped out, sending her massive amounts of texts saying, "I'm glad I f***ing hurried with my test so I can sit here by myself," or "I hope you're having a f***ing great time while I'm at home doing nothing." Tons of texts like that.



I think you should calmly mention that no man should ever be using the F word around her. Even if it's not at her saying "F You", still his use of the word is inappropiate in a loving relationship. And she should not be with someone that talks to her in that manner. She should have more respect for herself.

If he cheated on her once, he'll do it again, she shouldn't forget that. She should not have amnesia to the bad stuff. There's no need to maintain a friendship would an ass like that.

She probably doesn't like the fear of being alone, but thinks that she's in love with him. Because clearly she can't remember the bad stuff.

She deserves to be with someone that makes her happy, not sad all the time.




Me GOP
Movin On Pea

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Posted: 9/15/2010 9:27:21 AM
Been there done that.

Finally, FINALLY, DD (19) realized it for herself and is moving on. We've even had talks now where I've told her I'm sorry, I should have tried harder to help you realize what type of person he is, and her response?...."Mom, there was nothing you could do or say that I would have believed. I had to learn this one on my own."

I do know that early on (16) I pushed pretty hard about him and it did make her seek him out more to rebel from me so I had to back way off. She would come vent to me about him and I would listen and then ask..."well what do YOU think of that" or "is this how YOU think he should treat you?"

Good luck. It is very hard. The last thing (and the straw that broke the camel's back for DD) really made me want to rip his face off. But, it is over, she is moving on and I am grateful.


Tracey

BeckyTech
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Posted: 9/15/2010 10:05:19 AM

It sounds to me like he is being emotionally abusive, possessive, and controlling towards you daughter. These are all red flags for me. I spent 8 years in a marriage with a man that was emotionally abusive and in the end physically abusive. I left the second time he hit me.
It wasn't 8 years before he hit me, but my own life parallels this.

I like birukitty's advice about talking with someone who has BTDT. I was going to recommend having your daughter read a book. Some education about how abusive relationships develop (starting with that level of jealousy) and how they end up (the cycle) will probably wake your daughter up, especially if it comes from multiple sources.

My mom always told me "Don't ever let a man hit you." Unfortunately she probably didn't know and couldn't educate me further that that is the end of an abusive cycle and not the beginning. I learned too late it starts with the over the top jealousy and unfounded accusations.

Mewcat
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 9/15/2010 12:23:59 PM
From what I understand, controlling people tend to try and cut the persons connection to other people, thereby making them more dependent. It's something to consider.




Yes controlling people in fact do this, and it sucks to be the person who wakes up one day who finds themselves completely isolated from their friends and families. I know this, because I was that girl.

I would also talk to the school counselor about this and even the boy's parents.
Both of you should be there as a united front. My parents intervened on a relationship when I was in college it was the hardest thing for them I think, they were both there each step of the way and, I am so grateful for it. For me I don't think it clicked until I really realized that I really wasn't having fun, I was just existing in a relationship that sucked. You might even have her read the book "He's Just Not That Into You" she might learn something from watching the movie too.

I don't know if I would take away the cell phone she might need it, but perhaps you could limit the texting by turning it off? I understand that you don't want him at your house, but that might be the only way you will be able to continue to watch his behavior without moving her to another school and even then if she is determined she will still see him. I hope she will finally see the light one day and understand that relationships are not meant to be so painful.


~*Melissa*~

*Angela
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Posted: 9/15/2010 4:18:42 PM
[disclaimer: since our only child is an 8 y.o. boy, I'm without first-hand experience as a parent to a girl &/or teen]

Since your daughter & her ex-boyfriend aren't currently dating, I suggest simply encouraging her to focus on herself. Do not mention his name; consider him a part of her past. Explain that breaking-up with someone is difficult emotionally & being betrayed makes it worse; her reaction for wanting to rekindle her first love/familiar relationship is normal. Learning to cope with, accept, & move on in regards to romantic relationships is something everyone has to navigate during her stage in life. Plus, dating doesn't & shouldn't define her, but rather be a healthy aspect of her adult life. Empower her to assess her situation, envision what she wants from relationships/career/etc., & make decisions for her future. IMHO this will build a confident young woman who feels in control of her life with direction & goals for which to strive!

Best wishes to her & you.

ScrappinMyLife
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Posted: 9/15/2010 6:00:37 PM
She can love him, and he can love her...you can't controll that.

You can control time spent together outside of school, and you can controll her phone.

Don't allow them to be together without adult supervision.

If he texts or call her phone, demanding to know where she is, who she's with, what's she doing, etc... Then promptly inform him, that he is a child and has no right to no your daughters business. Your daughters whereabouts, who she's with, and what she is doing,etc... is held accountable to only you...her parents. Inform him, that you the parent, will be monitoring all her texts and calls.

I'd also inform form his parents of his abusive and harassing texts and calls.
Document everything. You made need a paper trail, in the future. Abusive type personalities and behavior ...only get worse as time goes on.

You are the parent. Be a parent. Be a parent in control.

scrappitypea
Executive Director of The Madhouse

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Posted: 9/15/2010 6:35:14 PM
At 17 I was in a situation *extremely* similar to the one your daughter is in. I was bent on being with this guy, even though he was controlling and had a bunch of other issues that I didn't know about until after the fact.

Anyway, I had graduated HS the year before, and this boy was a senior in high school. I was in the process of moving my LIFE about 200 miles away, just to be near him. Well of course my father knew that this was a terrible idea and had tried to talk me out of it, but he figured that at this point I was going to do what I was going to do. Yes I was still a minor but out of HS a year and a half with nearly 50 college credits under my belt. I was at my bf's mother's house one night just before the big 'move' (he lived with his father in a different city and we were there visiting his mom), and guess who came a knockin? The Police. My dad figured that he better do something now, while he still legally could. So he called the PD in the city I was in and had them come and pick me up on the grounds that I was a runaway. I sat there and ate pizza in the Green Bay, WI PD breakroom and chatted with some of the officers, who knew my dad on a professional level.

Two and a half hours later my dad showed up to pick me up, thanked his 'buddies', and took me home. I was so angry with him at the time I didn't know what I was going to do.

I went through a period of serious anger/depression and didn't know how I was going to live without Jerkman. Well after a while I started hearing all kinds of horrible things about him and the illegal and immoral things that he was doing while we were apart, (lived in different cities), and to this day I thank my God that my dad had the courage to do that. I honestly don't know where I would be if he hadn't. I'm sure that I'd be all kinds of MESSED UP though!

Do what EVER you need to do to keep your dd away from the boy. If that means suspending her phone/FB/whatever other priviliges, so be it. Encourage her to look at the big picture and make the decision for herself. If you do go to extreme measures, she will be furious for a while but down the road not very far she will be grateful that you did it.








Hoosier2
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Posted: 9/15/2010 6:40:25 PM
my on went through this and i spent months talking to him about the "truth" that he didn't want to see. he finally saw the light, broke up with her and then the parents yelled at my dh and I separately about how we ruined her life. they got back together for a few days that summer and my ds ended it quickly. he realized the "truth" finally. she is engage now to someone else, thank goodness! she is still a control freak. the whole relationship was so bad that she and her mother were controlling our family too and when we could do things.

they have to see it for themselves.

Heatheryou
PeaAddict

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Posted: 9/15/2010 6:41:53 PM
I dont think you could make your dd stop wanting to be with him, but you might be able to make him stop wanting to see her.




Mewcat
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 9/15/2010 7:12:45 PM
I dont think you could make your dd stop wanting to be with him, but you might be able to make him stop wanting to see her.




Heatheryou has a point if you make it extremely difficult for him to contact her and set some strong boundaries (read Cloud and Townsend's book if you have not on "Boundaries" he might decide that she is not worth the hassle. However, there is a fine line here, and you would have to find the balance, so it would not drive her towards him.


~*Melissa*~

readsomething
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Posted: 9/15/2010 7:31:54 PM
Invite him over for dinner. Cozy up to him. I'm in total agreement with Wench. ONLY -- you make it obvious that you don't adore him. But you make it clear, without saying it, that you are watching him, that you are looking out for your daughter.

In the course of the dinners -- and there should be more than one -- you bring up relationships, and dating, and generally, violence against women. Talk about movies that include it. Don't say anything. If it's possible, if, say, you're in the kitchen alone with him, THEN you quietly say stuff: "DH and I love [daughter] soooo much. I know that if anything ever happened to her, DH and I would HUNT DOWN AND KILL IN COLD BLOOD any SON OF A B!TCH who hurt her. ... Say, could you pass me that dishrag?"

I am truly serious. You don't want to make a big speech with both of them present, because that's guaranteed to make it an "us vs. them" scenario. Instead, you make it clear to HIM that you are watching, that you are waiting for him to screw up. That you know he will.

To your daughter, you say nothing. You ask, "How was your date, dear?" and maybe broach the subject of "Are you having any fun?" That's it.


Heather
Finally Four of Us
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