Do you ever feel like dying ...

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Posted 4/30/2011 by LisaLisa in NSBR Board
 

LisaLisa
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Posted: 4/30/2011 5:32:24 PM
but not necessarily killing yourself? Does that make sense?

I suffer from depression, and I am on medication, but I still have these yucky days where I feel like my life is worthless. I've had a pretty good day so far ... both my girls had friends over, and I got my Easter stuff put away. But now I'm waiting in a Walmart parking lot for my dad to finish shopping and I'm just feeling blue. Anyone else ever get that way? What do you do to get out of it?



CADoodlebug
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Posted: 4/30/2011 5:37:50 PM
I'm sorry you're feeling blue. I don't ever
feel like that but have always been one who
feels you need something to look forward to
in your life. It can be something as simple
as a day out with a friend. Mine is my
semi-annual crop weekends. No matter what is
going on in my life, I know I have that to
look forward to.

ETA: when I said I don't ever feel like that,
I was referring to feeling like dying not
feeling blue. I think everyone has their
*blue* days. Reading a good book or losing
oneself in a good tv show can help.


Joy

"I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me!"



LightkeepersDaughter
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Posted: 4/30/2011 5:41:51 PM
Oh, Hon - I didn't want to just read and run......Here's a big (((((hug))))) for you. Not that it is a cure for 'blue', but maybe it'll help a little!

I don't know how old you are - perhaps younger than when I experienced what you're talking about......but, when I was in my mid-40s, what you're describing, is exactly what I felt on many a day.

Of course, for me - it was the start of menopause - and by the time I was in my mid 50s, those feelings had gone.

I did spend years taking anti-depressants - which are helpful - but, also not a cure-all.

All I can suggest is that you 'hang in there'.....and know that you are sooooo worthwhile to sooooo many people. The people closest to you, need to be understanding and patient - you'll feel 'right' again - I promise! It's not an easy road, though - is it?

Take care - and more (((hugs))). Be gentle with yourself.

Rosemary

gar
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Posted: 4/30/2011 5:43:03 PM
Physical exercise is one of the best ways. You can usually walk somewhere, even if it's round the block a few times and it releases natural endorphins in the body to lift your mood.

I hope you blue day gets better...look after yourself

sara b
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Posted: 4/30/2011 5:47:33 PM
Even though you are feeling blue it sounds like you've had a productive day! More productive than mine.

Sometimes I feel blue but I don't know that I would call it depression -- just blue. I felt like that for about 3 days this week & one night after work I just drove aimlessly around for about an hour and a half. I blew off something I should have gone to after work (it was optional) that DH thought I went to. I spent time thinking & figured out that there were a couple of things I needed to do differently. Eventually I went home & we ate a late dinner. I went to bed early & when I woke up I felt better. Honestly, when I left work & started to drive I felt like driving off & never coming back.

I visited with a counselor 4 times a few months ago about something that was bugging me at work. There are 2 things she helped me learn that help when I'm feeling blue. One is to focus on the successes I've had (to the point of making a list & taping it to my bathroom mirror -- corny as it sounds it helps). Secondly, she taught me a relaxation technique that I can do and nobody even knows I'm doing it if they see me. She suggested doing it twice a day for 3 weeks so that it would become a habit. It's easy to do & it helps when I feel things backing up on me.

I'm definitely not a professional so what I say to you may or may not help. I just didn't want to open your post & not respond. You're on medication and that's good. Please call your doctor. I hope that she/he has ideas to help you.

You ARE a valuable person. You are NOT worthless. Just going through a rough patch. Hang in there.



Sara B

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KatieBPea
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Posted: 4/30/2011 5:51:14 PM
When I am having a bad or 'blue' moment or day, I remind myself that although my feelings at the moment are real, I have had and will have better days. I usually go easy on myself and do something special just for me, even as simple as reading or watching a movie on TV.

Although if your 'down' days are outweighing your average or 'up' days, maybe you should talk to whoever is managing your depression. Is it possible that your dosage needs adjustment?

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.



msbee
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Posted: 4/30/2011 6:15:01 PM
Yes, only in the last 6 months though. My oldest daughter died suddenly. I seriously just wanted to go away and just stare at the ceiling till I was no longer living. I didn't want to hurt myself or commit suicide-I just wanted to stop existing. I wanted to quit trying to stay alive.

The only thing that kept me going, eating when it made me gag, drinking fluids when it made me sick to my stomach etc was my younger daughter. I just couldn't let her lose her mother after losing her sister and grandfather just a month apart. I love to much to give in to what would be a selfish thing for me to do.

We have just passed the 6 month mark, with antidepressants, counseling and time I am starting to have "normal" days.

I hope that this passes for you.



LisaLisa
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Posted: 4/30/2011 6:31:13 PM
msbee -- I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine the pain that you went through/are going through. My prayers are with you and your family. (((HUGS)))

I know that I am personally under a lot of stress, and I usually can handle a lot of stress. Maybe it's just all getting to me. It's funny -- Excedrin Migraine makes me feel better than my anti-depressant does!! I tried explaining that to my doctor, but she just didn't understand.

I know my life is good, I have an amazing family, and that they would be heartbroken if I were gone. I just almost feel like I have no dream, no meaning in life other than to take care of my family. I have been thinking about volunteering at my church ... maybe that will help ease this feeling.

And don't worry, I won't do anything to harm myself. I know it won't make things better. I just feel so blue.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words.



Belia
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Posted: 4/30/2011 6:38:17 PM
Yes, I have felt like that.

No magic words here, just yes. You're not alone.




P.S. And on a slightly more lighthearted note, can I just say that WalMart parking lots are enough to drive ANYONE to despair. Quick.... get thee to a Nordstroms. Use their bathrooms. Try on expensive shoes that make your legs look fabulous, even if you can't walk more than 3 steps. You'll get through this.

WannaPea
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Posted: 4/30/2011 6:39:02 PM
Hi Lisa!!! Just want to say hello and tell you to take good care of yourself! Sounds cliche, but a quick burst of some exercise really helps. I do this sometimes--should do it more, but oh well! Get those endorphins going, as they will give you a boost of "feel good". I hope you know I DO NOT mean to minimize your feelings at all with that advice.

Maybe some good music, a quick walk around the block? If I lived near you, I'd be right over.

Hang in there. Depression is a beast to deal with.


Cop's wife - Mom to one
"The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike." ~ Delos B. McKown

WannaPea
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Posted: 4/30/2011 6:43:05 PM

It's funny -- Excedrin Migraine makes me feel better than my anti-depressant does!! I tried explaining that to my doctor, but she just didn't understand.
OMG, I just read this. ME TOO! It's so weird, but I think that jolt of caffiene is what does it, but somehow it's not the same as a cup of coffee. Extra Strength Pamprin is good too in this way, but not quite as good. I take it sometimes and I had a hysterectomy in 2006!


Cop's wife - Mom to one
"The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike." ~ Delos B. McKown

Tweetysmom
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Posted: 4/30/2011 6:51:30 PM
I had these days in my 20's when I had severe anxiety and no medication. I would go to bed at night praying I'd die in my sleep. I was healthy as could be, and knew it wouldn't happen, but I just didn't know how I could face another day. I'd wake up and literally have the attitude of, "Oh damn, not again!" But, I went on to live each day and eventually got on medication and got better. I still have some rough days with depression. When I am feeling down and pass a graveyard, I actually think, "geez, they've got it easy!" And, I think of how stupid that is and move on.

I don't have any cure-all. Just advice to keep going and keep doctor's appointments, don't miss medication and keep trying. if your meds don't do it, there are many types to try - though it can be frustrating.

Sorry to hear you are struggling. Just remember you are not the only one, and it will get better!!


Danielle


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Posted: 4/30/2011 10:21:27 PM
(((Lisa)))
(((msbee)))


P.S. And on a slightly more lighthearted note, can I just say that WalMart parking lots are enough to drive ANYONE to despair. Quick.... get thee to a Nordstroms. Use their bathrooms. Try on expensive shoes that make your legs look fabulous, even if you can't walk more than 3 steps. You'll get through this.



And I believe laughter can be pretty good medicine as well


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jjpswife
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Posted: 4/30/2011 10:30:27 PM
Depression is so tough. I'm sorry you're having a tough time and hope brighter days are ahead. (((hugs))) to you...



ketsmom
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Posted: 4/30/2011 10:52:41 PM
Your post brought tears to my eyes because I feel exactly like this sometimes, lately more often. Again, as you said, I could never kill myself but I dont know somedays how I will go on. I had a very rough childhood and think I have always been a little depressed and anxious but I always had hope that life would get better.And The thing is, it did get better...I raised 3 great kids, have a career Im proud of and an education, and the pride to know I did it all despite the way I was raised. Now though, on the bad days, I dont see much ahead of me. Im in my mid 50s and wonder if the best of life has passed me by. Ive had more stress in the last 3 years, job, family, marriage, money problems, and it just keeps getting piled on. Sorry to make this about me...just wanted to share that you are not alone. I am not on anti depressants but do see a therapist which helps sometimes. My dogs also help immensly because I know how much they need me.

texgirl842
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Posted: 4/30/2011 11:01:20 PM
I know exactly what you are going through. The only way I can handle it is just to allow myself to feel that way. There is nothing anyone can say or do to pull me out of it. In fact, even though I know they mean well, it irritates me when my family tries to "cheer" me up.

So, I know there will be times this happens and after a few hours, or overnight, they will pass.

Hope you feel better soon.



Joy







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Posted: 4/30/2011 11:02:37 PM
yes....I can relate to this.


Kirsten =^..^= =^..^= =^..^= =^..^= Yes, we have 4 now : )




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stampfox
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Posted: 4/30/2011 11:39:09 PM
All. The. Time. But it passes until it comes the next time.

stillsmiling
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Posted: 4/30/2011 11:51:18 PM
All. The. Time. Over. and. Over. again. I was so hoping to be past thosed days by now, but they still recur more frequently than I would like. I had breast cancer almost 5 years ago, and every time I have a health problem I find myself wishing this will be the one that will get me. I have good faith that this will change for me one day, I just don't know when.

Fresh_Peas
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Posted: 4/30/2011 11:56:40 PM
Yes. Now that my husband has left me and is living with someone else. I sort of think how nice it would be if I just died in my sleep and didnt have to deal with this embarassment I have now. And having to rais ekids on my own (every other day, as he wants them all the time)
I think it would be nice, to just die, and let them deal with it.

theshyone
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Posted: 4/30/2011 11:58:48 PM
I feel exactly like that but thought I was a freak and no one else feels like I do.

I would never ever purposely kill myself; but if I were to die it would be a blessing to me and my family.


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MetalDancer
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Posted: 5/1/2011 12:15:07 AM
Yes I do...sometimes things are overwhelming. My husband left in September and I discovered he was seeing the biggest whore in my office...yes MY office! We both work for the same agency, he in another building but his weekend screw buddy is in my department. I have to see her daily. I see her mom van at his place constantly. I do pretty well most days, in spite of it. But there are days when I'm driving down the interstate...and the thought will cross my mind "I wonder how it would feel if I'd hit the bridge abuttment...would the air bag save me...would I die instantly? (Bear in mind, I drive a Miata...odds are at 75 mph I wouldn't make it) But the only thing that keeps me going those days is my 23 year old DS. He's been torn to pieces by this whole situation with me and his dad. H has barely had any contact with DS, inspite of living 5 minutes away. He's lost his dad for all practical purposes because the office slut couldn't wait to get her panties down...I'll be damned if I'm gonna let this situation cause him to lose me too!
You're not alone, LisaLisa...we all have our days. Some are worse than others. I am a woman of faith and I know I have so many blessings and alot to live for. If you do feel it begin to overwhelm you more, I would suggest finding a counselor or clergy person (if you attend a house of worship). They can give you tools, as a few other Peas have said, that can help you a great deal. Hugs and blessings to you!


Lisa =^..^=

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1sassyPea
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Posted: 5/1/2011 12:43:11 AM
I think everyone feels blue waiting in a walmart parking lot.

Have you seen the website www.peopleofwalmart.com then you start to wonder if you look like that if you shop at the same store. lol

hope to make you giggle with the site.

as for your depression, what your feeling is normal, since you are on medication and I assume see a therapist, the best thing to do in moments like that is to giggle.

having your vitamin b and d levels checked during a physical might help a bit as well.

or just eat a good piece of chocolate, that expensive kind you can't find at walmart...lol


~~Annabelle~~

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FLCindy
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Posted: 5/1/2011 8:09:12 AM
(((Lisa)))
(((msbee)))

Yes, I've felt that way many, many times. A holistic practioner found out what was wrong with me. I have the Epstein Barr virus, which affects my entire body, including my thyroid. The fibro pain can be intense but has been less lately.

My thyroid tested within the normal range. However, it isn't the normal range for me. Do you ever feel like like you are trying to come out of anethesia but you can't? Extreme exhaustion made me feel like dying.

If you want info on the holistic practioner, please PM me.



angela1422
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Posted: 5/1/2011 9:23:56 AM

I just almost feel like I have no dream, no meaning in life other than to take care of my family.


This really stood out to me. Do you know the Bible says, where there is no vision, the people perish?

Sounds like getting some vision into your life would help!

I know it helped me, when I was at my lowest, to have a reason to pull myself out of bed, that wasn't related to my job or house.

Feel better!




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trixiecat1
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Posted: 5/1/2011 4:13:38 PM
It looks like we all are not alone in our thoughts. I feel the same way from time to time. I find myself to be a very strong person with things I can control. But it is the things I can't that totally bring me down. My son has ADHD and it overwhelms me having to deal with his behaviour at 11 years old. I figure the stress will kill me by the time he is 20.

Hang in there and celebrate the good days and hope there are many more as each day goes by.

MellyW
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Posted: 5/1/2011 4:44:04 PM

Yes, I've had too many days like that recently.

I live in chronic pain, & do pretty well with it.

But, it looks like I'm going to be diagnosed with something that is commonly referred to as the Suicide Disease. And if you don't like that description, you can go with the other one. The worst pain known to man.

I can tolerate quite a bit of pain, I'm used to it. But this one is really effecting me, because it's interupting my life, & that makes me angry & sad. I can't get things down, like simply mowing the grass, weeding my flower beds.
I hate sitting around. And that's what I've been reduced to recently. And the terrible pain to all that, & I openly admit that some days I wish I'd die. I wouldn't do it myself, but the thought of being out of pain, sounds pretty damn good right about now.


CharryPie
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Posted: 5/1/2011 5:35:08 PM
I'm sure I have had those days, but I hold tight to the idea that there will be plenty of days, hours, and minutes worth living for.

I'm sorry if you are feeling blue. I agree with the suggestions for fresh air and some exercise. I also feel like my emotional health is much better when I am not eating too much processed food.

Hugs and strength to you. I hope you feel better.

Sue_Pea
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Posted: 5/1/2011 7:38:15 PM


No advice except to say keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'm sorry that you're so blue, and I hope that things get better.

Julee
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Posted: 5/1/2011 8:44:46 PM
Well, big smothering hugs to everyone on this thread who has ever felt this!


I didn't want to hurt myself or commit suicide-I just wanted to stop existing. I wanted to quit trying to stay alive.


I have felt exactly like this - when I was going through my divorce. I do think it might be helpful to have children relying on you, because I didn't. And I was a teacher and it was summer break. I pulled my car into the garage, closed all my blinds and crawled into bed for days at a time. And I mean that literally.

I remember the day I felt like living again. Nothing special happened. I just knew I needed to start putting one foot in front of the other again. That's my story anyway. Yours may be different, but don't ever feel like you're alone. There are so many people who have been where you are now and have come out on the other side. I pray you will too!


=)Julee

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LisaLisa
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Posted: 5/1/2011 10:05:11 PM
Thank you so much, everyone, for sharing your stories. I had no idea that anyone else ever felt this way!!!

And I must say, big (((HUGS))) to all those who are hurting, for whatever reason.

Well, today we had to call 911 for my mom ... background: my mom and dad are living with us, and my mom was diagnosed with Waldenstrom's Lymphoma. She had been doing well with chemo, but had serious back pain. This morning, she was unresponsive, incontinent, so we had an ambulance take her to the hospital. She has high blood pressure and swelling of the brain. They are trying to get her blood pressure under control and hope the swelling goes down.

So, I haven't thought about myself and my predicament today!



M in Carolina
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Posted: 5/1/2011 10:44:15 PM
Did you know that some antidepressants can actually increase suicidal thoughts in teenagers and young adults? Your doctor won't know you need a med adjustment until you're honest--and they won't throw you in the looney bin and throw away the key if you're honest. There's a difference between having *thoughts* about suicide or dying and actually having a plan.

I have a ton of health issues. Doctors are just starting to see how brain chemistry affects the body. Low seratonin levels cause insomnia, make my heart issue worse, I feel more blue. Changing and increasing my antidepressants made me feel a lot better. It takes time to find what works for you.

People still think that you can just "snap out" of these feelings. The feelings are a symptom of your brain not working right. You can't control your brain chemical levels anymore than someone can control cancer cells or how their pancreas reacts to sugar. There are a lot of things you can do to help yourself feel better--just like diabetics can help their bodies work better by eating well.

You're under a lot of stress. Life is stressful enough without dealing with a very sick parent. Your doctor can help. You just have to take the hardest step and admit that you need help. I know you don't want to add to your parents' stress, but they wouldn't want you to deal with this alone.

I hope your mom feels better. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I just lost my dad unexpectedly two months ago. I feel like the wind has completely gone out of my sails. But then I think about my stepmom who is alone, and I have my husband. There are always people that are worse of than you. It does help to take your focus off yourself.

...and my doctor adjusting my antidepressant and giving me something for anxiety makes me feel better even when I do feel blue.

The b12 shots my doctor is giving is helping tremendously as well.



LisaLisa
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Posted: 5/3/2011 12:43:42 AM
M in Chicago -- I wish I were still a young adult (I'm 40)! Yes, I am under a lot of stress. I should make an appointment with my doctor. And I have had some moments of anxiety, which is new.

I'm very sorry about your dad. (((HUGS)))

I wish I could get B12 shots -- I've had them before when I had pneumonia, and they made me feel great! I wonder if B12 pills have the same affect?

Thanks for sharing your story. I really do appreciate it.



M in Carolina
nothing could be finer than to be back in Carolina

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Posted: 5/3/2011 6:23:34 AM
B12 pills do help, but not to the same extent as the shots. If I took B12 pills, I felt good for a few hours at a time. With the shot, I still feel better a couple weeks later.

I did have bloodwork that showed that my B and D levels were low. My husband was just diagnosed as hypothyroid, and he's felt so much better after being on synthroid for almost a month.


I do have days that I think that not living would be better. Then I realized that is NOT how a healthy brain should think, and that I needed to have my meds changed. My new doctor since I moved to NC has upped my meds after my Dad's death because I was feeling so blue. I was having issues before--crying and laughing uncontrollably--which is a weird feeling, and severe muscle weakness--I haven't been driving because I don't know when I'm going to feel this way, and I could hurt someone if I wasn't able to control my arms and legs while driving my tank of a car. It's really irritating, but my mom has helped me by driving me to doctor's appointments and on errands--like finding a washer & dryer. I pay for her gasoline--it's only fair, and I do appreciate what she's doing for me.

There's another thread on depression, and someone posted a wonderful prayer, and it just made me cry because it was so touching. I'm going to share it with my stepmom who is so heartbroken over my dad's death. My parents never had a good relationship, although my mother is the mayor of denial and refused to divorce until I was out of the house. --She did me no favors because I had to learn how to disagree fairly in a marriage and don't even realize that I raise my voice when I'm upset because that's how I grew up. I am so thankful that my husband is so sweet and understanding.

I thought that I was going to finally have time with my dad, and he died before he even got to see my new apartment or get to enjoy the fact that both my husband and me are feeling better. He never got to take that honeymoon trip to Australia he always dreamed of.

My stepmom told me that Dad was a lot sicker than he let on--we had a great relationship but we both hid how sick we were because being so far away we couldn't do anything but worry more. She thinks that my dad held on until I was able to move back home. That was his dream for us. We're just mourning the time we don't have now, although we're so happy that my father didn't suffer and was able to donate his organs like he wanted--two women have their lives back and a third is able to see again. That was worth the sacrifice we made--especially since another family that saw through their tragedy and donated their son's heart (he was a soldier at Ft Bragg that was killed when two aircraft collided over the troop training field over 15 years ago) so my uncle, my dad's brother, got another 10 years. We are thankful that my dad didn't have to suffer with alzheimer's like his mother and eldest brother.

I definitely know how you feel, but there are people that need me. I try to focus on helping others and taking my meds. For my chronic pain treatment, I had to do a screening with a therapist to ensure that I didn't have addiction issues. The therapist was really nice and gave me her card in case I needed to talk again or wanted bereavement counseling--since my mother and brother haven't stepped up to help. I have a good support system, so I feel really fortunate.

Having a very sick parent is extremely stressful. I got white hairs overnight from what happened to my dad. Don't forget to take some time for yourself to rest and get better.




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