Miserable Wife and Kids..what's a Pea to do???

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Posted 2/15/2012 by MyAnonSelf in NSBR Board
 

MyAnonSelf
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Posted: 2/15/2012 10:55:20 AM
Yes, another Pea posting anon just because I don't want this added to my Peas spreadsheet..ha! And warning, this is long!

Background: Married for 8 years, have a toddler together, and I have 2 teens from a previous marriage. Teens were 7-9 years old when DH came into their lives. We have been to therapy a couple of times throughout our marriage due to the same issues over and over (which I will get to in a bit). I have learned over the years that DH's mother was very hard on him and his sister and very controlling. They had to be perfect and it seems that nothing was ever good enough for her. DH's sister has emotional issues, depression and won't work at the age of 26 (lives with her dad..who is divorced from her mom). DH is now to the point that he barely even talks to his mom.

It seems that DH is repeating much of the behavior that he experienced as child. He is VERY hard on the teens. The majority of time that he spends interacting with them is to bark out orders. If they are sitting on the couch watching TV, he will come in the room and stare at them and either walk away shaking his head or ask them if there is something they could be doing. He is also very controlling...how to clean a dish, how to freaking make chocolate milk (you put the milk in first THEN add the chocolate..really? who cares!). This may sound like I'm nit-picky, but these are just examples. He does spend time with the teen boy and takes him on the weekends to participate in his sport, but even then, he will yell if he doesn't do good and critique his every move. My son loves the sport, so he goes and does it and pretty much just keeps his mouth shut. DH always throws in his face, how much $$ we spend on him and he's so spoiled, etc. DS worked every day through the summer for DH and after school while weather permitted and he didn't get paid the entire time. His money went towards his sport. Yes it is expensive, but he doesn't even get credit for what he has done work wise to help.

There have been times in the past when DH will get very angry (I call it his bezerk episodes) and will say mean things to the kids (you're lazy, you'll end up like your dad, you can't do anything right). That's when I intervene and tell him to stop, that's enough, it's verbal abuse. I mean he gets to the point that the vein on his forehead is bulging and he can't control what is coming out of his mouth, he'll throw things, etc. A while back, he began belittling me too. Clean the house, this place is a wreck, you're a slob, if it weren't for me, your kids would have turned out to be like their dad, you got your MBA but what good did that do for you. I work two jobs and no, my house is not a wreck. It may get slightly cluttered during the week, but not dirty. I will tell him to help out and he says that he didn't make the mess and he cleans up after himself, so he shouldn't have to do anything else. And yes, the teens do help out a lot. They have chores and they are good about doing them.

I was on the verge of leaving about a year ago..looked for a house, crunched financial numbers, etc. I ended up telling him about it and he has straightened up some (doesn't call names and say mean things anymore), but the teens still feel like they can't do anything right. Now when he yells at them, it's usually when I'm not around. They are very good kids. Get decent grades, don’t party, only the girl will backtalk once in a while, they help around the house..they are just good kids!!

It just seems that everyone is always on edge..when will he be home, is he going to say something, what will he be mad about, etc. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. We are all miserable. DH and I don't really interact with one another anymore. We don't talk much. It just seems that he is always mad about something, so he pretty much does his thing and I do mine. The oldest graduates this year, but will live with us (financial reasons) for the next 2 years while he gets his associates degree at a nearby college. The other teen has 2 more years to go. Btw, there are no issues with the toddler, not sure if it’s because she is little or if it's because she is his. I can make it financially on my own, but it would break the littlest one's heart to not have her dad around every day.

I guess I mostly wanted to get things off my chest. And no, I'm not perfect. DH would say (and has said in therapy), I don't ever take his side, I'm too easy on the kids, I don't ever admit when I'm wrong, I was brought up differently than him and had it easy. He would also admit to how hard of a childhood he had, but say it made him what he is today. He's a hard worker and always tries hard, etc. I'm not sure more therapy would do any good. I'm also not sure if things would get better once the teens were out of the house or if I could even last being miserable that long. I just think to myself, gosh, I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. But then I wonder if things are going to eventually change and I should try to stick it out. If you got this far, thanks for listening and yes, advice is welcome.


Captain K
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Posted: 2/15/2012 11:01:55 AM

I just think to myself, gosh, I don't want to live the rest of my life this way.


You gave yourself your answer right there. If it hasn't gotten better and he's not willing to participate in serious, ongoing, aggressive therapy - not just a session here and there - it's not going to get better.

You and your kids don't deserve that. I of course think you should try to save your marriage first, but not at the expense of everything else. You need both people to be bought in on saving it.

LeaP
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Posted: 2/15/2012 12:06:34 PM
He sounds very abusive. Words sting and the "bezerk episodes" are surely harming your teens. Your toddler will soon recognize the abuse.

I would give him an ultimatum to start intensive therapy immediately. If he is unwilling, make an exit plan.

Sister BDSQ
Fatty McWeirdboob

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Posted: 2/15/2012 12:17:32 PM

but it would break the littlest one's heart to not have her dad around every day.

Good reason to stay in a shitty relationship that is teaching very harmful things to your children. Remember what your husband's mother did to him? Think of how what you are allowing to happen is affecting your kids.

KatieBPea
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Posted: 2/15/2012 12:20:11 PM
Is this what you want your children to think marriage should look like? What advice would you give to a friend if she came to you and described this situation?

I said it here before, and I'll probably say it again, that I don't advise marital counseling for every little issue. But this sounds like a situation that is far beyond just working it out between the two of you. I would get into counseling as a couple immediately, and if he won't agree to it, go for yourself.

I'm not trying to minimize the financial consequences of divorce, but that pales in comparison against what you're living with every day and the pressure cooker to your kids are living in.


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**tigermom12**
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Posted: 2/15/2012 12:38:10 PM
Please...please get yourself and your children out of that situation. I was raised with a father like that and I'm almost 42 years old and it still affects me today. I always feel like I have to be perfect or I'm not good enough. I've gotten a lot better with counseling but it never goes away.

MyAnonSelf
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Posted: 2/15/2012 1:07:34 PM
Sigh..I guess I knew that would probably be the advise that I would get and I know that's the direction that I felt in my heart would be best.

For those who have suggested counseling...we have tried therapy on several different occassions. Things would seem to be okay for a few days after a session, then a little worse, then a little worse, then back to okay after a session. I think the main problem was that when the therapist would suggest that he try approaching a situation "this way" instead of his usual way, then he would always say, yeah I can do that, but I guess what I don't understand is...and then turn the tables to point to me or the kids. He was always saying, I guess I was just brought up differently. But he never saw that they way he was raised was really f'd up!




I was raised with a father like that and I'm almost 42 years old and it still affects me today. I always feel like I have to be perfect or I'm not good enough.


I think that this is exactly how my DH feels about himself. The most recent incident is that he really watches what he eats and if he goes out to eat and has something bad, then he will make excuses to make it okay in his mind. He will say something like, well I ate really good for the past 7 days, I know it's bad for me that I ate a cheeseburger for lunch, but I didn't have fries with it though. I guess I'll just eat really good for the next week or so to make up for it.

I'm sitting there thinking..wtf, eat your cheeseburger, who cares! But he is just so hard on himself if he feels like he has screwed up in some way.

His mom just makes me ill. She blames DH's crappy attitude and his sisters issues on her ex. She puts on a good front and seems so sweet to those on the outside. She has never really been mean to me, but she has flat out lied about things to me and blames it on being absentminded. She has been married 4 times and can just be plain evil if she thinks someone has done something wrong to her.

I appreciate you guys letting me get things off my chest.

Mystie
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Posted: 2/15/2012 1:27:13 PM
You've already let him abuse and damage your oldest two...might as well stick it out and let him abuse and damage the little one, too.


Janelle



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StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 2/15/2012 1:42:57 PM

You've already let him abuse and damage your oldest two...might as well stick it out and let him abuse and damage the little one, too.


You know....you make a VERY valid point. I had some bitterness towards my mother for a very long time because I would ask myself..."why isn't mom saving us?" when my dad would treat us like he did. But instead...she acted like poor pitiful victim and still does to this day instead of making a stand. Both my brother and I still suffer from his abuse when we were kids. Guess you can tell I'm still a little bitter.

not2peased
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Posted: 2/15/2012 1:44:41 PM

You gave yourself your answer right there. If it hasn't gotten better and he's not willing to participate in serious, ongoing, aggressive therapy - not just a session here and there - it's not going to get better.

You and your kids don't deserve that. I of course think you should try to save your marriage first, but not at the expense of everything else. You need both people to be bought in on saving it.


I agree with this. if you (and he) keep doing the same things over and over expecting a different outcome, does that make sense for any of you?

you are hoping he will change, he's probably hoping you will change and in the meantime, everyone is unhappy.

if he wont go to therapy to address his issues, what magical "thing" do you think is going to happen? do you think he will just snap out of it? realize what he is doing?

that doesnt seem very likely to me and having lived in a house where you were always waiting for the other shoe to drop is AWFUL


-Kerry


Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.

not2peased
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Posted: 2/15/2012 1:49:06 PM

You've already let him abuse and damage your oldest two...might as well stick it out and let him abuse and damage the little one, too.


I hate judgemental bitchy comments like this.

keep in mind that if she leaves him-the toddler STILL will spend time with this father-only without mom or siblings to run interference.

i'm not saying that as a reason the OP has to stay but so many people assume the "problem" is over with the divorce and quite honestly, that's when the REAL problems begin for everyone.



-Kerry


Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.

Mystie
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Posted: 2/15/2012 1:54:44 PM

You've already let him abuse and damage your oldest two...might as well stick it out and let him abuse and damage the little one, too.



I hate judgemental bitchy comments like this.


And I hate women who allow their children to be abused and who have kids with men whom they already know are abusers. At least with a divorce in this situation it would very probably reduce the amount of time that the youngest child has to spend around Dad and his shitty attitude.


Janelle



jamiej4429
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Posted: 2/15/2012 2:07:51 PM
I am a breast cancer survivor and I have said that I wish everyone would have to go through cancer/chemotherapy. (figuratively, of course) it makes you realize that life is too short to be unhappy. I am divorced and have been for 9 years. My ex-husband is a better father to our daughter now than he ever was when we were married. I didn't want her growing up to think that how things were between us was how things are supposed to be. No, it wasn't easy at first, financially, but you can't put a price on peace of mind.


Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love the Lord...

scrappychick13
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Posted: 2/15/2012 2:10:11 PM
That man is a monster. Your poor children are being abused. Treating one child out of three well, isn't good enough. Surely you can see that they deserve better. They deserve a mother that can see what kind of a loveless, angry home he has provided. Don't let the little one grow up to see that. What kind of an adult will she grow into, with that fine example for her to emulate? You cannot make the excuse that he was abused himself, without seeing that you are setting up all three of your kids to live out that same life.

MyAnonSelf
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Posted: 2/15/2012 2:36:39 PM

And I hate women who allow their children to be abused and who have kids with men whom they already know are abusers.


Okay, so Mystie hates me..I'm fine with that.

I didn't go into this relationship realizing that he was verbally abusive. Yes, we had our fights while dating and at the beginning of our marriage. And he seemed more of a strict stepfather than anything at the beginning. Not to mention that I got pregnant only 3 months after we were married, so it's not like I knew he was verbally abusive and decided to have his kid anyway. So feel free to hate me even though your reasoning is wrong.


I am a breast cancer survivor and I have said that I wish everyone would have to go through cancer/chemotherapy. (figuratively, of course) it makes you realize that life is too short to be unhappy.


I was actually diagnosed with cancer (but not breast cancer) last year and went through radiation. I'll be fine, but you are right...leave it to cancer to open your eyes and realize that life is short. I know exactly where you are coming from.


You cannot make the excuse that he was abused himself, without seeing that you are setting up all three of your kids to live out that same life.


I'm not making an excuse for him at all. I know that he is a very miserable person..yes it's sad that he is that way, but I now know that I can't change his past and what it has made him become.

I guess I have been mentally preparing myself for this for quite some time. I know that it's going to get nasty. The house is in my name and we have quite a big chunk of equity in it. Last year when we were on the verge of splitting, I asked him to refinance in his name so I could get a house. Financially I would not have been able to keep the house/pay the bills last year. It will be tight, but I can do it now.

Last year, I had actually started keeping track of when he was around and how often he saw the little one. You can see where I'm going with this one. I'm not sure if he will fight for custody, but I don't think he will have a chance as I am the primary person that takes care of her. Lately, as soon as I get home she is with me and he takes off to do other things. He sometimes won't get home until 9 or 10 at night and she is already in bed. Although he is now in a position jobwise that he takes her to school and picks her up at 2:30 and has her until 5 when I get home. Weekends she is almost always with me.

I do all of the finances, I have copies of all the important documents..I have kept up on my Pea-advise in this aspect.

Sister BDSQ
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Posted: 2/15/2012 3:00:55 PM

keep in mind that if she leaves him-the toddler STILL will spend time with this father-only without mom or siblings to run interference.

i'm not saying that as a reason the OP has to stay but so many people assume the "problem" is over with the divorce and quite honestly, that's when the REAL problems begin for everyone.

Thankfully, my SO's abusive batshit crazy ex never bothered to show up to the custody hearing and has not seen her biological child in 2 years. No more shitty attitude, no more abusive language and violent outbursts, police coming to the house, etc., no more petrified chld. Now, a happy well adjusted kid with 2 parents (me and SO) who love her and each other. Win effing win.

my.unquiet.mind
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Posted: 2/15/2012 3:09:27 PM
Leaving my abusive husband after nine years of marriage was the best decision I've ever made. It was extremely stressful and hard, but I knew that I absolutely DID NOT want to spend the rest of my life dealing with him.

I'm happier now than I've ever been.



cindylou62
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Posted: 2/15/2012 3:12:13 PM
The man you are describing is EXACTLY like my father, I am sooo glad I am done living under his "rule", the part about them wondering when he will be home, what he will say, living like that day after day has affected me deeply as an adult, do not make your kids go through this, I am sure it is even worse for them as they are not his biological children, please don't make them live this way, they will eventually leave and will not want anything to do with coming to visit you at home where he is, or including him in anything/get togethers, you will then feel the sting because of him in this regard, your kids will be adults and they will not forget this. I am THERE. Its taken years of therapy for me to find myself and I am not there yet, I am NOT worthy. I can't shake it. He succeeded in that.

Mewcat
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Posted: 2/15/2012 3:41:32 PM
I can make it financially on my own, but it would break the littlest one's heart to not have her dad around every day.



But isn't it going to make her sad as well if he makes her miserable as when she's older? How do you know that she hasn't already picked up on things? Children can be very aware of family tension and their surroundings.


~*Melissa*~

MyAnonSelf
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Posted: 2/15/2012 3:45:22 PM

But isn't it going to make her sad as well if he makes her miserable as when she's older? How do you know that she hasn't already picked up on things? Children can be very aware of family tension and their surroundings.


Yeah, I know. For some reason, he doesn't treat her this way. I'm not sure if it's because she is so little or if it's because she is biologically his. And yes, she is aware of the tension. She has said before, mommy why is daddy so mean to bubby

And I'm not saying that I would be willing to stay with him, just so she has her dad around. Just saying that it's going to be hard on her. She has such a tender heart and she's so young that she's not going to fully understand. Again, I'm not saying that's a reason to stay..just that it's going to be emotionally tough on her.

GiaRenee
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Posted: 2/15/2012 4:05:24 PM
Please leave.

readsomething
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Posted: 2/15/2012 4:11:19 PM
He definitely needs to own up to his role in this ... and the big first thing would be for him to realize that he NEEDS to change. It sounds to me as if every attempt at therapy just ends with him deflecting his issues, and blaming everyone else in the house for his behavior. That's no different, IMO, than a physically abusive husband saying that the wife "made me do it" after he hits her.

Think about it.

Only, in your case, instead of blaming YOU, he's blaming anyone who is convenient -- the kids, because they don't breathe correctly in front of him, etc., etc. All that crap -- "there's a proper way to make chocolate milk," etc., etc., is just a way for him to EXERT his control and feel that there's a REASON behind it. In his mind, he's "correcting" everyone. How wonderful for him. Meanwhile, everyone else in the house lives on pins and needles, never sure what will set him off.

If he won't realize that he MUST change, and if he won't do the work to change, then you're screwed, pretty much. (I highly recommend cognitive behavioral therapy -- instead of long-term marriage or family counseling, HE needs to go to therapy to learn new ways of coping with things that he cannot control.) His control issues are poisoning the household.

If he won't change, if he won't do the work (finding a therapist and having him SUBMIT to what he needs to do are your biggest challenges), then ... you need to get out.

But you know that. You knew that.

My first marriage was very brief, to a man who would have morphed into a controlling a-hole, had I given him the time to do it. Instead, he had been belittling me and making fun of me, putting me down, etc., and blaming me, telling me he was "just joking," saying that I lacked a sense of humor, etc., etc. It is NO coincidence that my parents used to do the exact same things.

Thankfully, we didn't have children -- I made the conscious decision that I would not have children with him, and since I wanted children, I was OUT.


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not2peased
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Posted: 2/15/2012 4:16:16 PM

For some that warm, fuzzy sense of self-righteous superiority is really the only reason to get up in the morning." --Writermom1




OP, take into account the person who wrote the bitchy comment has this in her signature.

clearly we have someone who knows why she gets up in the morning. ignore the bitchiness, you really dont need it right now and people like her dont matter


-Kerry


Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.

MyAnonSelf
PeaWee

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Posted: 2/15/2012 4:24:30 PM

Only, in your case, instead of blaming YOU, he's blaming anyone who is convenient -- the kids, because they don't breathe correctly in front of him, etc., etc. All that crap -- "there's a proper way to make chocolate milk," etc., etc., is just a way for him to EXERT his control and feel that there's a REASON behind it. In his mind, he's "correcting" everyone. How wonderful for him. Meanwhile, everyone else in the house lives on pins and needles, never sure what will set him off.





Wow..you totally just summed up how he is. And yes, we pretty much live on pins and needles..it's constantly that feeling of, okay what's it going to be this time.


clearly we have someone who knows why she gets up in the morning. ignore the bitchiness, you really dont need it right now and people like her dont matter


Lol..you are so right. Thanks

transprntbutterfly
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Posted: 2/15/2012 4:42:34 PM
First, I have 2 questions.

1. If a friend came to you with this same problem, what would you tell the friend?

2. If this thread was started by someone else, what would your response be?

Long ago I learned a valuable lesson that has served me well -

No one has the right to cause another person grief, misery, sadness, heartache or pain.

He is doing all of this and so much more. It is time for you to find happiness in your life. If that means leaving him, then so be it. The weight that will be lifted by not holding your breathe wondering what kind of mood he is going to be in, or when he is going to explode, or what is going to set him off next will be well worth the struggles you may have to go through. Life is too short to let this man make you and your entire family so miserable each and every day.

Good luck to you whatever you decide.

Mewcat
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Posted: 2/15/2012 4:47:11 PM
She has such a tender heart and she's so young that she's not going to fully understand. Again, I'm not saying that's a reason to stay..just that it's going to be emotionally tough on her.



I see where you are coming from and it's going to be a tough situation for all involved. [[Hugs]].


~*Melissa*~

crimsoncat05
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Posted: 2/15/2012 4:47:49 PM
COuld be that part of the reason he's so controlling and critical is because for him, growing up, so many things were OUT of HIS control. He is controlling things now because somewhere in his head, he feels like he needs to, to make up for what happened to HIM growing up. Not saying his behavior is excusable, but he IS somewhat of a victim in this (I mean the 'little-kid' him who had such a crappy upbringing was a victim)... as are you. I don't mean that he couldn't change, if he wanted to and really worked on it thru therapy, but he may truly believe it's not even possible to change his outlook on things for the long-term.

My BF has similar issues left over from a chaotic, abusive childhood. He has a real deep-seated need to be in control of things; sometimes he gets extremely agitated about things that aren't controllable, like the weather, or the traffic on the road. I am totally the opposite about things like that (I'm very live-and-let-live), so sometimes our different outlooks on life cause clashes between us. (My BF isn't critical or controlling of me like you say your husband is about the kids, though.) Plus, we don't have kids- if we did, I might think differently about our relationship, because I can see that this cycle could very easily be perpetuated across generations.





"Accepting anything without question is the antithesis of critical thinking and education. ~wren*walk, 8/20/12"


ilovecookies
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Posted: 2/15/2012 4:55:06 PM
Letting your husband abuse your children is not okay. You need to get them away from him-yesterday.

TamaraAnn
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Posted: 2/15/2012 5:43:47 PM
My mom went through two more husbands after divorcing my dad when I was 8. Yours reminds me of both of them. Verbally AND Emotionally abusive. It was awful as a kid and still haunts me to this day. She only realized herself how bad husband #3 was recently, and after 23 yrs of being married to him she finally divorced him. She has never been happier. His mother was also very controlling and abusive in the same ways. Don't waste your time with him. We all went thru counseling numerous times. I think they were in counseling for their entire marriage. She finally realized you can NOT change anyone else, only yourself. He is who he is. The sooner you remove yourself and your kids from that situation, you will all be so much happier and realize what peace means. Or stay, and keep walking on eggshells and have your kids be miserable.....

I hope you find peace.

birukitty
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Posted: 2/15/2012 6:28:42 PM
You need to get your teens, yourself and your daughter out of the house and away from this man NOW. Every single day that you stay he is doing more and more severe damage to your teens that will take decades to heal. You are their mother, you hold the cards. Only you can save them by leaving.

Would you have left by now if he was beating them? Well I fully believe that emotional and mental abusive is worse than physical abuse. I was married to an emotionally abusive man for 7 years. He was physically abusive at the end (2 times) the last being where I was beaten with a fire place poker and his fists. That was the last straw for me.

Bruises heal quickly, it was the emotional abuse that took a lot longer to heal. I did have some wonderful therapy and I've now been remarried to the most gentle, kind and understanding man for 16 years, yet I can still sometimes hear my ex's voice in my head saying, "Why don't you clean out the shit in your ears so you can hear me" or other such gems. Thankfully it's gotten less and less frequent over the years. I was 33 when I left and I had a 4 year old son. He says the only thing he remembers from that marriage is his Mom and Dad constantly fighting. Save your daughter by getting her out while she's still young.

Your teens are growing children who are very impressionable at their age. Can you even begin to imagine what this is doing to their self esteem? Get out NOW and save your children.

Debbie in MD.

jessicalb
BucketHead

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Posted: 2/15/2012 6:34:18 PM
As a step-child to someone who was like this to my older brother & I, but NOT to her own two children she had with my father, I would say leave.

After alot of heartache, very dark memories, and emotional damage to everyone...my step mother & father finally worked things out, with my step-mom making a LOT of changes. However, by that point- the damage had been done. It would have been easier on the 4 kids if they had seperated years earlier.

Best of luck to you.

tgp0014
BucketHead

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Posted: 2/15/2012 9:00:52 PM

COuld be that part of the reason he's so controlling and critical is because for him, growing up, so many things were OUT of HIS control. He is controlling things now because somewhere in his head, he feels like he needs to, to make up for what happened to HIM growing up. Not saying his behavior is excusable, but he IS somewhat of a victim in this (I mean the 'little-kid' him who had such a crappy upbringing was a victim)... as are you.


I agree with this. I have become way more OCD and controlling of my surroundings as an adult because I had very little to no control during my childhood.

But I am very aware of my behaviors, and I try to "check-in" with myself or others to see if I'm being reasonable.

Perfect example: DH was making me a "special" dinner on Monday night. Sort of an early Valentine's Day for us. It really wasn't anything super involved, but he had picked out the recipe, went grocery shopping, etc. He was excited. I was helping him in the kitchen, because, to be honest, he takes FOREVER cooking. I found myself starting to critique him in how to do this or that, then I kind of laughed, and I said something about me being controlling. We had a little laugh about it. Then, when I said something very similar just a few minutes later, I smacked myself on the forehead in disbelief, and I apologized again. It was no biggie, and we moved on.

The point I'm making is that I know I can be controlling, but I try to actively FIX it, and my DH knows that.

It is absolutely inexcusable for your DH to treat you and your children in such a way. Your DH's childhood may be the REASON for his controlling behavior, but it is still his responsibility to improve his behavior.


Tiffany

NoelinIowa
PeaNut

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Posted: 2/15/2012 9:12:48 PM
How are your teens feeling?

Grandma Neenie
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Posted: 2/15/2012 9:13:51 PM
Get out or get him out. Let your kids breathe and feel at home in their home. YOU need to be able to breathe and feel at home in your home. He sounds like a big, dark ball of negativity and is damaging your kids and hurting you.
Your daughter is watching your for an example of what is acceptable to take from a man. She will end up being bullied by men just the same as you are.
Your son will learn that you can treat some women like that, and that you can even be mean to their kids, and might look for that in a mate.
You deserve better treatment. You deserve respect and someone to feel close to.
I wish you the best. You won't even realize the full magnitude of the darkness he brings to your life until you are out from under it.


Peace.

It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work.

It means to be in the midst of those things and still
be calm in your heart.

Jennscraps
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Posted: 2/15/2012 10:40:54 PM
I was the teenager dealing with steps such as you described. I would never, ever put my children through that. The scars last forever, and I say that being somebody who generally doesn't get her feelings hurt very easily.

I also want to add that it does not get better when your kids are adults. The step that doesn't approve of anything the teenagers living in the house are doing isn't going to accept them better when they move out. They don't suddenly want to spend more time with them, nor do they make it easy for the bio mom/dad to have a good relationship. If he can't see and appreciate their positive attributes while he can personally witness them, it won't get better down the road, esp if therapy hasn't helped to date.





Jennifer
Jenn's Junque


~Lauren~
Original Pea #1803

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Posted: 2/15/2012 11:09:28 PM
I guess I just can't wrap my mind around this:


it would break the littlest one's heart to not have her dad around every day.



so, will you allow your two older children to continue to be abused and force them to live in that environment because your youngest child's heart will break not seeing daddy every day? That's really f**ked up. You're telling them very clearly that they don't matter.





Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the government take care of him better take a closer look at the American Indian - Henry Ford

scrappin_alexandra87
PeaNut

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Posted: 2/15/2012 11:12:22 PM
I have personally lived through this situation as a kid, let me tell you get out now while you have the guts. My mom and I have always been very close so I am not messed up or anything from it and neither are my siblings due to my mom being so loving and supportive but let me give you the short version.

About 10 years ago my mom was going to leave and my step dad said he'd straighten up and he did a little but it didn't last. She just now got the guts to leave a month ago and she is so happy she did. As she says, nobody deserves to live in fear or be miserable. Or be scared of what he's going to say. You need to learn to stand up for yourself. Make the right decisions for you and your children, don't stick around for your toddler, it will only damage her and your other children further, not to mention you and your self esteem.

Slothfulcowie
BucketHead

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Posted: 2/16/2012 2:49:59 AM

Married for 8 years, have a toddler together, and I have 2 teens from a previous marriage.



Not to mention that I got pregnant only 3 months after we were married




~Kris~

SweetiePie Pea
a Wild Strawberry

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Posted: 2/16/2012 3:10:34 AM

I didn't go into this relationship realizing that he was verbally abusive. Yes, we had our fights while dating and at the beginning of our marriage. And he seemed more of a strict stepfather than anything at the beginning. Not to mention that I got pregnant only 3 months after we were married, so it's not like I knew he was verbally abusive and decided to have his kid anyway. So feel free to hate me even though your reasoning is wrong.


That's BS. at least take responsibility for seeing what you wanted to see at the time. No one marries and then just becomes a completely different person. I know people SAY they do but I don't believe it one bit. There were red flags. I'm sure if you asked friends or family someone would say they saw something in him prior to this.

I say this not to bash you but you need to open your eyes about the men you are picking. Unless you are a widow you've been in this situation before. If you leave him you need therapy and no more men ("daddies", date all ya want. Just no more father figures for your kids) until ALL the kids are grown.


Heidi

If I'm not peaing, I'm pinning!

My Blog:








Grate
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 2/16/2012 9:23:35 AM
I have a hard time giving someone advice about something as important and complicated as marriage but I will state what some others have.

This was (is) my mom. I used to go to sleep at night wishing she would leave but never told that to anyone. instead, as I got older and the verbal abuse got worse I would work. Started babysitting at 11 and then as I reached high school I took every job and played every sport I could fit into my schedule, just to be out of her way.

She never accepted me until I got engaged at age 29 (43 now) but even then, there would always be issues, so I moved out of state happily when DH was offered a transfer.

I now have kids and sometimes I see her anger come out in me towards my own kids, who are truly more that I could ever ask for. I try so hard to curb it and allow them to be themselves and celebrate that but I went to counseling to help me because I really did not know where it was coming from but I listen to myself and sure enough, it is her.

I always made excuses for my mom because she had a hard life and has lost two sons but instead of seeing that she was becoming her dad and stopping it, she gave into and became him.
My long winded point. Abuse stays with you no matter what age it starts and molds who you are and how you react to others.

Stacylynnrs
BucketHead

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Posted: 2/16/2012 1:38:42 PM
Protect your teenage kids. If thier Bio Dad sucks, they only have YOU and they need a strong Mother. and the toddler. Those kids deserve to feel safe and secure at home.

Am also curious as to the timeline mentioned. Married 8 years but now have a toddler? Pregnant 3 mos after marriage?

reneelcla
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Posted: 2/16/2012 3:39:16 PM
Wow, this was my life as a teen right down to the Dad being a stepfather. It was me and my brother who were the stepkids and we had younger twin siblings who were the kids my Mom and stepfather had together.

He had the same type of upbrnging with his mother and treated the household the same way. My life as a teen was miserable. He treated his own children the same way. My Mom finally left him after ten years of marriage. I was the one who would talk back and question. In fact, he gave the same exact instructions about making chocolate milk that you say your DH does. He had a thing about folding small washclothes too.

He would call me stupid & nothing was ever good enough for him. Luckily, I had other people in my life made me know I was not studpid and a good-for-nothing (I made straight As in school,had lots of friends, was a cheerleader, had other relatives who cherished/loved me and my Mom too).

He would make comments about all we wouldn't have if he wasn't around, etc. The stress in our house was too much. We were kind of scared to rock the boat too much because we didn't want our younger siblings to be without their father.

When my Mom finally left, it was the best day of our lives even if we had to make do with less material things.

My stepfather ended up marrying two more times and both those marriages failed too for the same reasons. He has since passed away (75 yrs old), but his mother lives on just turned 94 years old last week.

I don't know what to tell you, but I know your kids are miserable and it is no way for them to live.

Renee

P.S. My mother left my stepfather when I was going to be a Sr. in high school and my brother was a junior. My younger siblings were in 2nd grade. Let me just say, that my stepfather, after the divorce, and when his own kids were older, treated them the same exact way he treated us when they did their visitation. When they got to be preteens, they refused to visit him.

kissmevodka
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 2/16/2012 4:02:42 PM
You wrote my story.
I was married to a physically and emotionally abusive alcoholic man for 15 yrs (spent so many years trying to make it 'right' and work through the guilt that the church put on me for even thinking about divorce).

I left him in 2000. Discovered scrapbooking not long after and one of my pages is a quiz of my dd. One line says the best thing in her life was when mom left dad. Ouch.

I remember sitting there in my room before leaving and thinking, "I've allowed this monster to hurt me for so long but seeing him mess up 5 more little lives is intolerable. I refuse to let him do it" And THAT"S when I finally got brave enough to leave. With nothing but the basics and no money. And we were fine.
Sounds to me like you are far more organised and aware than I ever was. Your partner may not be physically abusive, but mental abuse is just as bad. I used to say it was worse because you can't show other people the bruises. And I often believed I was the crazy one.

Like the others, my advice is LEAVE. (or if you have majority in the house, get HIM to leave) You need peace in your household and so do the kids. They will LOVE you for it.

Personally, I hate to see any marriage breakdown but after living through what I have, I now see what a good and bad marriage is. And I did eventually find a gorgeous guy, who, not perfect, certainly does his best for my kids. And has helped me grow.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I'd love to give you a big hug and say everything is going to be all right but I guess the rest is up to you. And I think you already know what that is. (((((hugs honey))))




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