I hate cancer! ***Long

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Posted 3/8/2012 by **Bran** in NSBR Board
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PeaNut 257,257
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:29:35 PM
and I'm having a whiny day. I just really need to vent. I think mostly I'm just scared and overly emotional because I'm scared and not eating and not sleeping.

I can't even vent on Facebook because it is too depressing and people don't want to read it. They are tired of hearing about my sick kid - well, guess what? I'm tired of having a sick kid! My sister said it is too depressing - yeah, because living with it is such a picnic.

My house is a mess, I haven't picked it up today, I haven't showered, I haven't mopped the floor all week and cancer Freaking Sucks!

DD is home today because her platelets are right above the cut-off level for a platelet transfusion. She is covered head to toe in bruises - it looks like she is an abused child. Literally her bandaid from her spinal tap on Monday left two giant bruises - a bandaid. She isn't supposed to run or jump or hop or skip or play - how to keep a five year old contained on a gorgeous sunny day? So she can't go to school and she's sitting inside watching tv.

Her red blood cells are hovering right above transfusion level too so she's pale and tired and just extremely emotionally fragile. Oh yes, this is also steroid week so she gets to be extra emotional - and hungry. Oh, and she's tired but the steroids keep her from sleeping. Lovely.

This morning she grabbed the stool to climb up onto the counter - WTH?!?! Does she not realize that she could bleed out if she falls and gets injured. There's a reason we are keeping her safe and at home! UGH. But really, it's not like she's usually unsafe, it's just that every little bump gives her a bruise. Yesterday she tripped at the hospital and the entire kneecap is a bright purple bruise from a small stumble. I was actually feeling fortunate that she didn't fall on her port b/c it was accessed at the time.

Then - of course, I couldn't sleep last night. I woke up around 2 am having a terrible dream and went to check DD and she was freezing - part of the low crit is that she can't maintain body temperature but if she goes below 96 I'm supposed to bring her to the ER because that is a form of a fever - a signal that she's sick. Well, she was 96.4 so I bundled her up and stayed awake and waited for her to warm up and kept checking on her all night.

I initially woke up having a terrible dream about it being the last week of her life so we had to call our family to come visit her before she died. I hate cancer.

Yesterday I met with another mom of a little 5 yo DD who is dying. She had the same diagnosis as DD and has relapsed twice. There is nothign to do for her and two weeks ago she got a simple cold. Her immune system was low too continue chemo after the cold. They tried to up the chemo to a quarter dose to keep her blasts in check but it didn't work and her bloodwork is worse, almost to transfusion levels for her. So, they stopped chemo altoghter trying to get her immune system up so she has something to fight with on her own. Her Mom told me yesterday that this is the end, they don't have much time left, her little body just can't fight anymore and she was at 90% blasts (90% of her marrow is leukemic) before the cold while being on chemo. This little girl, same age and diagnosis as my DD, is dying, is in a lot of pain, tons of pain medication, and I can't stop thinking about her and her pain and her family and their pain.

Yesterday I had to meet with Anna's dr and we ended up talking about the little girl that is dying - her dr said she's been crying a lot this week too because of that.

Bah. I think I just need a cocktail, or a nap...or even a transfusion so at least that isn't 24/7 worry. Heck, I'll even take Anna's blood regrouping on it's own so she won't need a transfusion! Thanks for letting me vent.


in Fairy Tale Land

PeaNut 341,421
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:33:45 PM
Oh Bran, I'm so sorry ((HUGS)) Vent away, you certainly have enough on your plate right now.

Chemo is kicking my sister's ass right now and it makes me so sad so I can't imagine how it would feel to have to watch your child go through all that


Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 75,215
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:34:39 PM
Hugs to you, you're just going through so much.

I can understand -- you just have a new reality, so in that new reality the house is messy and things don't get done. I went through the exact same thing a few years ago when we had a long term medical issue going on in our house. Just ignore that stuff -- it isn't important.

Vent away here. Scream, yell, whine. Whatever. We all know that you are having a tough time. We'll keep sending you prayers, hugs, and support. We've got your back.

Cute Girls Pea

PeaNut 89,634
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:34:54 PM
You vent anytime you want to. (((hugs))) I'm your FB friend and I have never once thought your updates are depressing or I'm tired of hearing about cancer.

Cancer DOES suck. It blows. Wishing you peace today and hopefully some sleep. I think a cocktail sounds like a pretty great idea, too!


PeaNut 150,604
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:35:30 PM
All I can possibly think to say is

I'm so sorry...

Do you have some sort of parent support group? Sharing your exerience with others going through the same thing might be helpful for you.

Ask me about backups!

PeaNut 468,133
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:36:17 PM
My prayers go out to your family. Your little girl is so sweet with such a giving heart it breaks mine to hear of this setback. I can't imagine being in your shoes. I'm so sorry. Big (((hugs))) to you.

Helicopter Dog Mom

PeaNut 43,034
July 2002
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:36:50 PM
Oh, I really don't have words and cannot imagine the hell you are living through right now, but I'll send you and Anna some positive healing thoughts.

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pearl-clutching nitpicker

PeaNut 201,774
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:37:26 PM
Bran, my heart is breaking for your sweet little girl and all of you. I'm soooo sorry you have to deal with this. I hope things improve quickly for her.

northern california

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."
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PeaNut 177,425
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:39:01 PM
Brandi, I wish I could reach through the computer monitor and give you a long, gentle hug. Sending you thoughts of peace, healing and love...

Mary in OK

Mother of Benedict Cumberbatch's love child

PeaNut 279,995
October 2006
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:39:37 PM
Vent away. If I could give you a virtual punching bag, I would. My heart goes out to you and your family.


PeaNut 197,450
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:44:54 PM
I'm sorry your sister said that to you. Vent away here all you want. You are under so much stress and need to be able to decompress and vent somewhere.

I think you deserve a cocktail and nap at the very least. I can't imagine having to keep a 5 y/o calm to keep her safe. Add the appointments, meds and all the other stress of having a kid with cancer and you have to be exhausted. Thinking of you and Anna. ((Hugs))

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PeaNut 227,939
October 2005
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:44:57 PM
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, and please vent whenever you need to. I can't imagine how frightened and worried you are. Sending big hugs your way. Take care.

Lover of Tubas

PeaNut 14,100
April 2001
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:47:49 PM
I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it all must be for you and for Anna.


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PeaNut 45,764
August 2002
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:51:25 PM
I'm so sorry. Lots and lots (((HUGS)))

Vent all you want...that's the wonderful thing about being a pea. We're always here when we're needed.



PeaNut 337,114
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:52:27 PM
I am so sorry Brandi, big (((((hugs))))) to you and your DD. Will keep her and your family in our prayers.

It is hard for an adult dealing with cancer, I cannot imagine a child. CANCER SUCKS.

Vent anytime, we are here for you.

wasabi pea

PeaNut 53,541
October 2002
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:52:33 PM
You have permission to vent to the Peas any time! Thinking of you and praying for your DD.

Why, YES!, I am a princess.

PeaNut 417,049
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:52:56 PM
I'm sorry. We're here, vent away. If we can do nothing else, we can give you a safe outlet.

Executive Director of The Madhouse

PeaNut 195,675
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:55:42 PM
What an awful load you and your sweet Anna are carrying. I wish with all my heart that there was something I could do to ease your burden. Please know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of so many. I just don't know what else to say.

When our older son was 5 he came down with an acute case of ITP and his platelets were literally zero. The next several hours were the worst and most terrifying hours of my life as we were waiting to find out if he had lukemia. I cannot even imagine what you must be going through.

Miss Ang
I'm a Toilet Paper Pea. Are you?

PeaNut 26,443
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Posted: 3/8/2012 12:57:56 PM
Oh, Brandi. I am so, so sorry. I am sending you hugs from across the miles and please know that you can vent any time. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I can not imagine.

I will be praying for you and for your family.


Bring me that horizon!

PeaNut 239,162
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Posted: 3/8/2012 1:03:59 PM
I am so sorry {{{Hugs}}} You should feel free to vent anywhere you need to and if someone can't take it, that's THEIR problem. You have dealt with all of this with such grace and courage, of course sometimes you need to be able to let go of the emotions you're holding inside.


PeaNut 166,868
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Posted: 3/8/2012 1:04:58 PM
Awwww, my heart is breaking for you and your dd. I am so sorry she is so sick and that you are stressed and overwhelmed. Like the other poster said, try not to worry about the housework. What's important is that you are there for your daughter and she has a mommy who loves her so much. It's okay to vent here. I hate cancer too...my dh had it, and several of my family members have had various forms of it too. Stinks! I hope your dd starts feeling better real soon!

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PeaNut 90,665
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Posted: 3/8/2012 1:07:35 PM
Friends around you should be rallying, holding you and letting you cry, despite fears it might invoke w/in themselves. Expressing your feelings and releasing them is part of coping w/an unbelievable nightmare. Continue to let it out and if people are selfish enough not to want to hear it then let them go and stick w/the people who are there for you w/their whole hearts.

Praying for your dd and you.

ETA: I could care less about your floors. The fact that you were up all night warming up your sweet baby gives you a free pass to rest or just not clean. Housework can be off the list today.


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To the right, To the right

PeaNut 51,257
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Posted: 3/8/2012 1:08:50 PM

You vent anytime you want to. (((hugs)))

Yes!!!! Please...I can't imagine going through that with my child and want to offer support in any way I can.

One of my college roommates has a son with ALS and she posts about it all the time on FB. I want her to, so that I can know what specifically to pray for!

(((Hugs))) to you. We'll be here to listen any time you need us.


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Harley Riding Pea

PeaNut 10,051
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Posted: 3/8/2012 1:09:37 PM
Vent away! Seriously. If people can't understand how hard it is and that EVERYONE needs to vent once and a while, then they suck. I'm sorry that you and your daughter have to go through this. I'd give you a hug if I could.

Gail OH
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 108,385
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Posted: 3/8/2012 1:17:18 PM
We all will listen time and time again on this for you...I HATE CANCER as well...it took my sister...

don't sweat the small stuff...house etc...but a shower will make you feel better and you need to take care of you so you are there for that sweet child of yours...

My heart goes out to the other family and I pray for both families...

hugs , Sweety...


Mary Mary

PeaNut 140,474
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Posted: 3/8/2012 1:28:05 PM
I am so sorry. I am so so so sorry. I don't know what else to say, except talk about it as much as you need to. You are in a crappy situation and I'm sure you are constantly worried.

And I never mop my floor, so don't feel bad about that.

Is there anything I can do to help? I'm not that far away. Whatever you need, I'd love to help. Honest.


Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 160,179
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Posted: 3/8/2012 1:40:12 PM

Hugs to you and your little gal....vent away.


PeaNut 134,598
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Posted: 3/8/2012 1:44:09 PM
Your post touched me. Vent away!!!!

Your precious daughter will be in my prayers......Janie


PeaNut 360,185
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Posted: 3/8/2012 1:44:46 PM
I just sat here and cried while reading your post. I cannot imagine your pain!! I will keep you and your little dd in my prayers.


PeaNut 23,446
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Posted: 3/8/2012 1:47:14 PM
I am so very sorry. Sorry that your daughter has to go through this, sorry that you have to go through this, sorry that people are "tired" of hearing about it. I am just sorry. And I'm praying.

boring + nerdy

PeaNut 52,817
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Posted: 3/8/2012 1:48:49 PM
Oh, Bran, I am so sorry. I can't even imagine going through this. You and your family are in my thoughts. (((hugs))) to you all.

And I am sure that there are plenty of peas who would be happy to listen to your vents anytime you need to get them out. Crazy as we are, we can also be a pretty supportive bunch. I am sorry some of your extended family is not being more supportive. That just adds more crap to an awful situation.

Felicity Smoak's BFF

PeaNut 64,193
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Posted: 3/8/2012 1:48:54 PM
Oh, I so wish I could give you a hug in person. So, so sorry you and your family ar going through this. Your precious girl is always in my prayers. That was a very hurtful thing your sister said to you and I wish she could see that.

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 38,979
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Posted: 3/8/2012 1:50:22 PM
I am so sorry you are dealing with this but at least you have the peas!

Hugs, prayers and positive thoughts for you and your dd


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PeaNut 133,429
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Posted: 3/8/2012 1:51:58 PM
I'm so sorry that you are going through this difficult time. I'm so sorry that people who should be there to prop you up are being selfish instead.

Indeed, cancer does completely suck!

I wish I could be there to support you. To give you a real hug. To give a shoulder to cry on if that is what you wish. Or, just to give you a break by sitting with your little one.

I can't do any of that. But, know I am sending many, many ((((((hugs)))))).

Forget about the house. It isn't important right now. It's OK, really it is.

My little mantra is...Those that mind don't matter. Those that matter don't mind.

Hang in there!

The difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits. ~Albert Einstein


PeaNut 109,370
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Posted: 3/8/2012 2:05:55 PM
Oh sweetie, if we lived close to one another, I'd come mop your floors and give you a million hugs.

Instead, I will give you virtual hugs and pray for your little girl, you and your family.

Cancer does suck.



PeaNut 246,706
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Posted: 3/8/2012 2:09:14 PM
I am so sorry. I hope things begin to look brighter and your daughter is alb eto fight that dang cancer


Thrift Whisperer

PeaNut 114,407
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Posted: 3/8/2012 2:10:51 PM
I am so sorry.

Prayers sent.

Vent away.

pea-sician assistant

PeaNut 120,763
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Posted: 3/8/2012 2:11:48 PM
Hugs...I am so sorry, it's just not fair.


PeaNut 173,756
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Posted: 3/8/2012 2:12:28 PM
I couldn't read and not post.I cannot imagine being in your shoes, you are certainly entitled to vent! Vent away, you have so very much on your plate. I am sorry there aren't people right there who can handle listening, but the peas will work! Major thoughts and prayers coming your way, not just for your DD but for you as well.


Sick of Snow

PeaNut 41,352
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Posted: 3/8/2012 2:28:39 PM
Vent all you want. As much as you want.

I can not even IMAGINE what you are going through.
There are no words to express how sorry I am.


PeaNut 257,257
April 2006
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Posted: 3/8/2012 2:35:00 PM
Thank you Peas!!! Now I'm crying b/c everyone is so nice- which is better than because I'm overwhelmed. I had breakfast, took a shower. Feeling a bit better.

I'm finding it very interesting who has pulled away and who has 'stepped up' for lack of a better word. It seems like the longer it goes on, the more people are tired of hearing it. I don't feel like I am a complainer but evidently I post too many 'sad' things; I actually feel pretty positive most of the time. One of my friends said she just can't handle it so she doesn't read any caring bridge or FB. Duh. Cancer isn't fun! It's not exactly like I get a choice to be a part of this or not. It is our day to day reality. It really does hurt my feelings when people say this is too hard/depressing/sad for them.

My girl is hanging out in bed watching tv today. She's happy and content and not causing any self-injury. All good things.


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PeaNut 1,583
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Posted: 3/8/2012 2:39:46 PM
I am sending you some hugs and some strength. Cancer really does suck and I'm so sorry for your troubles.

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Carey Ayn

PeaNut 41,258
June 2002
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Posted: 3/8/2012 2:40:17 PM
I am so sorry you are all going through this. Cancer does SUCK!

You can always vent here. I wish I had more wisdom to impart, but I don't. Just hang in there. We are rooting for your DD!

My brain is 70% song lyrics!

PeaNut 43,833
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Posted: 3/8/2012 2:46:36 PM

Bran, I think of you and your dd often. I will make sure to keep her in my prayers.
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this.

That's my island!

PeaNut 174,226
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Posted: 3/8/2012 2:55:16 PM
I just want to wrap my arms around you and give you a hug. I am sorry you and your sweet little girl are going through this. One thing I learned when I was going through chemo is that cancer can be a very lonely disease. You need all your strength right now so let go of the people who don't want to hear it. That's their problem. I'll be keeping you and Anna in my prayers.

Just me in MI
Jeepers PEApers

PeaNut 178,994
November 2004
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Posted: 3/8/2012 2:55:44 PM
Brandi, first off I want to give you hugs. My granddaughter has just come off her 2nd. bout with cancer/chemo & radiation so I know how you feel. That said, my son & DIL are like you, doing the full time care and I can't imagine how ALL of you haven't gone over the bend with the stress you have been under. Is there someone you trust to stay with your DD? I have been lucky enough & able to stay with DGD so Mom & Dad can have some down time. OR at least you as I am sure your DH is working & getting some time away from the stress so to speak. You & your DD are in my thoughts & prayers.

Stay Gold, Ponyboy

PeaNut 41,779
July 2002
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Posted: 3/8/2012 2:57:06 PM
My dear, you can vent, cry, and rage to us all day long as far as I'm concerned. My love and prayers.

"She is too fond of books, and it has turned her brain." - Louisa May Alcott


PeaNut 145,056
May 2004
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Posted: 3/8/2012 3:17:18 PM
I'm so sorry Brandi ... know that I'm thinking of you and your girls, and sending prayers up for all of you.


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PeaNut 175,371
November 2004
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Posted: 3/8/2012 3:22:07 PM
Cancer does SUCK! I am so sorry about your daughter. My husband is fighting a brain tumor. Don't worry about the floors. Do something nice for yourself or your DD. my family and friends remind me to take a break once in awhile. You are the best mommy in the world and you have tons of strength. Keep up the great job.


oh yeah vent away!

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 428,374
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Posted: 3/8/2012 3:23:21 PM
I'm so sorry. I lost my colon to cancer, however that seems like a picnic compared to what you and your child are enduring. I will send prayers.

It's not the passage of time that heals. It's what you do with that time.
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