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meeko77
ImPEAfection at it's finest
PeaNut 76,923
March 2003
Posts: 7,500
Layouts: 31
Loc: nothing could be finer than to get out of Carolina (SC)
 |  Posted: 4/14/2012 9:55:10 AM
If your DH/SO/DP cheated, do you think you could forgive and move on? Are there any factors that would influence that decision? Let's discuss. (Heck, it's not even Thrusday)
ETA: the "factors" that I speak of I guess are: if you are married or just in a committed relationship, whether or not there are kids involved, whether or not you own property together, etc. |
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Heather
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ginacivey
prey-sniffing bully
PeaNut 32,477
March 2002
Posts: 24,558
Layouts: 32
Loc: Out in the boondocks
 | Posted: 4/14/2012 9:58:09 AM
Yes i did
an don this thread you will hear from plenty of people who didn't
and you will hear those that speculate...but i say each peron/relationship is different and no one knows how they will react until theybwalk that path
Gina | |
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merlot1024
PeaAddict
PeaNut 55,742
November 2002
Posts: 1,582
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 4/14/2012 10:05:29 AM
I think it depends on the person and circumstances.
I did and it took a lot of work but I am so glad that I did. It was over 18 years ago and before children. | |
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sues
"Surrounded by thugs."
PeaNut 16,228
June 2001
Posts: 32,409
Layouts: 71
Loc: SW Chicago suburbs
| Posted: 4/14/2012 10:05:50 AM
This is one of those times I say 'You can't know until you get there.' This thread will be full of people saying they know for sure, before the fact though.
I just think- you can be pretty sure you'd throw him out. You can be pretty brave and sure before the fact. But until you're facing that reality, you don't know for sure.
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Julee
=)
PeaNut 171,562
October 2004
Posts: 10,045
Layouts: 0
Loc: The 'Nati
 | Posted: 4/14/2012 10:05:58 AM
I didn't. Was still in my 20s. Married but no children. Owned no property together.
And I completely agree with this:
but i say each peron/relationship is different and no one knows how they will react until they walk that path
*took out Gina's random b |
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LolaLayout
PeaAddict
PeaNut 544,018
February 2012
Posts: 1,284
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 4/14/2012 10:12:44 AM
I couldn't move on when I was cheated on before. It ended the relationship.
If I was cheated on now, I wouldn't be able to forgive and just move on with the relationship either. Cheating causes so much hatred, animosity, bitterness, feelings of insecurity, hurt. The lies, the repeated choices to hurt the one you love.... it's all too much. I would never again trust my SO if he cheated on me. | |
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meeko77
ImPEAfection at it's finest
PeaNut 76,923
March 2003
Posts: 7,500
Layouts: 31
Loc: nothing could be finer than to get out of Carolina (SC)
| Posted: 4/14/2012 10:13:18 AM
I realize every person and situation is different. This is one of those situations that you definitely don't know until you have been there.
I guess what I want to know is, if you do move forward with the one that cheated, how do you ever learn to trust again? |
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Heather
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slkmommy
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 266,020
June 2006
Posts: 2,551
Layouts: 0
Loc: freedom, pa
 | Posted: 4/14/2012 10:14:20 AM
I didn't see this post...I posted sort of something like this on the other threads, but...
Do you advocate telling other people about it? It happened in my family, and the only ones that know are the two of us, and the other person...
Since we travel in different social circles, it's unlikely that it will ever be publicly known...
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sherri
Like my opinion really counts anyway... | |
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Aggiemom92
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 90,200
June 2003
Posts: 2,683
Layouts: 2
 | Posted: 4/14/2012 10:15:06 AM
"This is one of those times I say 'You can't know until you get there.' This thread will be full of people saying they know for sure, before the fact though."
I just think- you can be pretty sure you'd throw him out. You can be pretty brave and sure before the fact. But until you're facing that reality, you don't know for sure. "
The only thing I know for sure is that this statement is absolutely true. |
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Luvspaper
PeaFixture
PeaNut 24,564
November 2001
Posts: 3,291
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 4/14/2012 10:20:57 AM
I agree with the others that each situation is different and hard because you have two personalities involved. Part of the situation is also whether BOTH want to move on.....Sometimes you just don't have that choice because the other spouse has already moved on.
That said, trust must be rebuilt and it happens over time. The cheating spouse must be willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to rebuild that trust. It is not easy. From the perspective of the non-cheating spouse, it is hard. I think it also depends on how the spouse cheated....again back to the specifics of each situation.
Can it be done? I think so...Is it easy? No...but neither is divorce. | |
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Frazzled Mom
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 22,352
October 2001
Posts: 5,410
Layouts: 0
Loc: Between a rock and a hard place
| Posted: 4/14/2012 10:23:52 AM
I think it's a completely personal decision that can't be made until you're in the thick of the situation.
In my case, my ex's affair was an ongoing thing that involved almost two years of lying and deceit, including Oscar-worthy performances at the marriage counselor's office. His behavior and personality were deteriorating until he became a violent and self-centered jerk. There was no moving on for us because by that point, he was not the person I married or a person I wanted to be with anymore, nor was he safe to be around my kids.
Giving up 23 years of marriage and the subsequent damage done to my children was not something I took lightly, so I'll never know if I could have gotten beyond a one-night-stand. I believe I would have tried.
Interestingly, the mistress he claimed to love and planned to be with forever - she was gone a few months after I began divorce proceedings. He cheated on her, too.
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scoobers
Why, YES!, I am a princess.
PeaNut 417,049
March 2009
Posts: 12,860
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 4/14/2012 10:24:14 AM
No. Absolutely, positively, without no doubt, NO.
Folks will say, well you never know until you've been in that situation. Bull. I know what is acceptable to me and what is not. Cheating is not, no middle ground, no discussion.
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scrappinboysmom
...
PeaNut 393,905
October 2008
Posts: 6,606
Layouts: 0
Loc: Illinois
| Posted: 4/14/2012 10:27:28 AM
I know you cant say 100% what you would do in a hypothetical situation but Im fairly certain I would choose not to accept that and move forward with the relationship. |
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meeko77
ImPEAfection at it's finest
PeaNut 76,923
March 2003
Posts: 7,500
Layouts: 31
Loc: nothing could be finer than to get out of Carolina (SC)
| Posted: 4/14/2012 10:28:06 AM
Do you advocate telling other people about it? It happened in my family, and the only ones that know are the two of us, and the other person...
That's a hard one too. I personally think if there is any possibility you might work it out, you probably should keep it to as few people as possible. That's just my personal opinion though. It's so hard, when you need support to *not* tell anyone else.
Going off of that though, here's another thought I have: Let's just say for the sake of a hypothetical here, that you did tell others. Through getting support and because you really thought you would never want to work it out. Then you start to consider reconciliation. It makes it that much more awkward when friends and/or family know. How do you work past that? |
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Heather
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ilovebuble
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 539,539
January 2012
Posts: 2,457
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 4/14/2012 10:31:19 AM
BTDT. We were living together, had just signed a new lease and I was 1,500 miles away from my hometown. He was sleeping with multiple women and engaging in online relationships as well.
There was no repairing that. No chance in rebuilding trust. I got out of there and haven't looked back since. | |
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cmpeter
PEAceful Pea
PeaNut 14,521
April 2001
Posts: 34,361
Layouts: 31
Loc: Washington State
 | Posted: 4/14/2012 10:41:24 AM
I don't think I could. |
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Octoberbeauty
PeaAddict
PeaNut 322,625
June 2007
Posts: 1,340
Layouts: 9
Loc: OK
 | Posted: 4/14/2012 10:46:05 AM
In the past I could have, but after everything we have been through now...No. |
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ratqueen
I drank the whole fairy.
PeaNut 233,449
November 2005
Posts: 6,624
Layouts: 19
Loc: Here+There
 | Posted: 4/14/2012 10:56:07 AM
Before I was cheated on I was as absolutely certain as scoobers has stated she is. You don't cheat and get a second chance. End of story.
But then it happened and it's true. Sometimes that viewpoint changes when you're actually IN that position. I still doubt myself and wonder if I've done a cowardly thing not standing up for myself and getting out. It's not a black and white issue, regardless of the circumstances or specifics of the affair. |
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huskergal
Shameless Husker Fan
PeaNut 49,249
September 2002
Posts: 49,217
Layouts: 123
Loc: Husker Nation
| Posted: 4/14/2012 10:59:34 AM
I would have to consider so many factors.
The circumstances of the cheating. What point we are in our lives. |
Susan
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dynalady
My soul is fed with needle and thread
PeaNut 25,620
December 2001
Posts: 20,146
Layouts: 49
Loc: Sweet Home Chicago
| Posted: 4/14/2012 11:04:17 AM
No. Absolutely, positively, without no doubt, NO.
That's what I've always said. But. Never having been put to the test I don't know if it's really true or not. Hopefully, I'll never have to find out. |
   
"I contend we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." Stephen Roberts
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perumbula
oooh, what you said!
PeaNut 27,933
January 2002
Posts: 10,107
Layouts: 97
Loc: bedlam
| Posted: 4/14/2012 11:45:49 AM
I used to say absolutely not, but I've been married for more than 17 years now. We have five children. I think there are circumstances where I would consider reconciliation. There are also circumstances where I would say "kick him out the door" no matter what. (Ongoing affair, drastic personality and value changes, etc.)
You can't know until you're in it what you will do. |
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frostybuns
PeaFixture
PeaNut 13,660
April 2001
Posts: 3,155
Layouts: 5
Loc: PNW
| Posted: 4/14/2012 11:50:52 AM
I *think* I would have to move on in my life. I don't think I could forgive cheating. Have not been in the situation I'm not positive but knowing myself I would hold it over his head forever. Now... I will say that I always tell my awesome (SERIOUSLY) husband that if he ever cheats I'm leaving him with all four kids and letting him figure out how to single parent. And I tell him that I would be a horrible ex-wife to have. I don't think he'll ever cheat but I hope to give him some further incentive!
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pynk E
PeaNut 48,314
September 2002
Posts: 13,259
Layouts: 295
| Posted: 4/14/2012 11:57:19 AM
Never had this happen to me so my answer s hypothetical. I think I could move pass an indiscretion if it happened once. If it became habitual I would feel to vulnerable and would end my marriage. | |
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SueSume
AncestralPea
PeaNut 262,757
May 2006
Posts: 4,596
Layouts: 5
Loc: Big Bottom Valley
| Posted: 4/14/2012 12:04:58 PM
...but Im fairly certain I would choose not to accept that and move forward with the relationship
It's not a matter of acceptance. For me, it was fighting for my family and I would do anything to save that.
What is HUGE in the process is re-learning trust. Most of that falls on the cheater--People with nothing to hide HIDE NOTHING.
I'm trying to NOT write an epic here but the whole thing is a journey, a process. Part of it, for us, was building a new relationship. Doing the work.
We were nearly nearly 10 years married, had built our house, three little kids and the shit hit the fan. Something was HUGELY wrong with DH. Gee I just couldn't figure it out. Went to therapy, nothing seemed to work, he moved out, he moved back, he had one foot out the door. I continued working with my therapist, he did not (surprise surprise)
Finally it got to the point where I stepped up, took control and said "I don't care what is wrong with you. I don't care WHY you are doing this. I don't care where you go, what you do, you are not doing it here anymore. You are no longer my problem" and out he went.
Two days later an acquaintance called me and insisted I come over to her house.
She told it to me straight. He was (I HATE the word "affair"--it is far too light hearted and Audrey Hepburnish and it was NOT what this was. This was a self destructive act) f*@king up his life with someone he knew from work. She told me bluntly, but gently and while she had her own reasons for telling me (which I won't go into here) what she did wasn't easy for her and I appreciate it to this day.
It turned out that other people in my tiny little town knew and I was lucky that someone "less fond" of me didn't decide to be nasty about it.
Any way, I went home, I cried, I prayed, I called my therapist (who was out--it was NY's Eve) and my sister and then I decided that I needed to go up there and--now that I knew the truth--let everyone see my face.
So I did. I found where "she" was, I introduced myself and we had a little talk. I showed her a picture of my kids. I said I hadn't known before and now that I did I wanted to look her in her face-KNOWING. I wanted her to look ME in the face. (She couldn't seem to)She said he was a good man and I didn't appreciate him. I said if a liar and a cheater was her definition of a good man she was welcome to him and then I left.
This has turned epic and I'm sorry for that. This is not something I talk about much and I'm a pretty private person (Hello Internet!)
He confessed all.(after being busted) He went to therapy, he did the work. He told me/showed me that he "got" how much he had hurt me, hurt "us" hurt our family.
After working with my therapist I "got" was I was now feeling--that all along the only thing I wanted was to save my family. Now we both knew the "truth", now we both wanted the same thing. For me, it made sense to try again.
That was 16 years ago.
We love each other.
Our marriage was seriously wounded by this, but we healed. We are stonger at the broken places. And I will punch you in your throat if you say "It takes an affair to make a marriage" because that totally pisses me off.
I'm not going to go back and proof read/edit I'm just going to post
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Sue Who? SueASume, SueSume, who cares?
Reality is made up of words.-Ferdinando Buscema
Words are hard.-Hannah Kelly
NSBR: "We're like a big damn disfunctional family. We'll beat the crap out of each other, and it's ok, but dammit, if an outsider turns on one of ours, we circle the wagons." -Free~Bird
Used with permission & with 9% royality fee paid annually. Starting next year. Honest | |
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meeko77
ImPEAfection at it's finest
PeaNut 76,923
March 2003
Posts: 7,500
Layouts: 31
Loc: nothing could be finer than to get out of Carolina (SC)
| Posted: 4/14/2012 12:12:26 PM
I want to thank everyone who has shared their personal story. I know how hard that is. |
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Heather
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littlefish
Peain' in the Pool
PeaNut 78,065
March 2003
Posts: 16,343
Layouts: 139
Loc: Sunshine State
| Posted: 4/14/2012 12:12:42 PM
When I was in it, I thought I could. I wanted to. I was pregnant, and then had a newborn baby. This was my family.
Now, on the other side of it, I know that faced with it now, there is no way. |
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batya
Making the WWW better, one post at a time.
PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
Posts: 31,814
Layouts: 24
Loc: up on my high horse
| Posted: 4/14/2012 12:13:08 PM
This is one of those times I say 'You can't know until you get there.' This thread will be full of people saying they know for sure, before the fact though.
I just think- you can be pretty sure you'd throw him out. You can be pretty brave and sure before the fact. But until you're facing that reality, you don't know for sure.
Exactly what I think. When I was younger, I knew it all. As I've matured, I've realized things are more complex. |
OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.
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joyce.k.b.
PeaFixture
PeaNut 370,129
April 2008
Posts: 3,155
Layouts: 44
| Posted: 4/14/2012 1:40:50 PM
I did not move forward with ex SO after his infidelity. Trust was broken and I didn't feel the relationship was worth salvaging.
Now, I am not sure if I would automatically leave the relationship. If it was a one time thing, I might be able to work through that depending on the circumstances. An ongoing affair would absolutely be a dealbreaker! Like I said, BTDT...and know for a fact that I could never look at him with any kind of trust again. Hopefully, neither will ever be an issue.
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Aggiemom92
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 90,200
June 2003
Posts: 2,683
Layouts: 2
| Posted: 4/14/2012 1:43:08 PM
I'm sorry, but I think the only fair question here is "have you/did you," because no matter what you say, unless you've been there, it's all hypothetical. | |
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SweetiePie Pea
a Wild Strawberry
PeaNut 98,374
July 2003
Posts: 16,520
Layouts: 189
Loc: Western Washington
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yungmom
Just Me
PeaNut 15,437
May 2001
Posts: 28,629
Layouts: 111
Loc: Salt Lake
| Posted: 4/14/2012 1:51:04 PM
I would hope so, but I don't think you can know till you have been there.
Factors. Hmmm. His attitude. How long he had been cheating. Whether he was willing to drop the other relationship. Honestly, I have a hard time coming up with factors because every case is going to be different and I really can't picture him cheating on me. It's just beyond what I can imagine.
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*SeikasHaven*
AncestralPea
PeaNut 354,541
January 2008
Posts: 4,254
Layouts: 24
| Posted: 4/14/2012 2:02:35 PM
Another hypothetical here: Yes, I think I'd try to work it out.
I never used to feel that way and I swore I'd never let any man cheat on me and stick around. But the longer I'm married, the more we've built up our life together, the more I think I'd fight for it.
However,I could only fight for us if he was willing to do a lot of work. Therapy, counseling and living completely transparently. I pray I never have to go through it. |
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peasandthanku
PeaNut
PeaNut 507,383
May 2011
Posts: 202
Layouts: 0
Loc: Oh Canada!
 | Posted: 4/14/2012 2:31:27 PM
Because I had two little children, and because I made a promise before God, I thought I could. So I signed us up for counseling and got pregnant with my third ( completely a shock and not on purpose) but he continued lying and cheating for the next year and a half.
I wish I had left the first time instead of two years of misery but it is what it is.
I do believe couples can overcome it- but only if both are willing to change. |
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Michelle Rae
PeaAddict
PeaNut 11,947
March 2001
Posts: 1,694
Layouts: 23
| Posted: 4/14/2012 2:41:33 PM
I've never been there with my dh of almost 22 years. I had two boyfriends that cheated when I was younger. I didn't want details. Didn't ask details and cut both of them off immediately. I did not want to work anything out as I could never trust them again.
I love my dh with all of my Heart. But if he cheated it is my belief that I would walk away. I have watched people I love dearly try to hold on for dear life to marriages with infidelity and have promised myself that I would not allow myself to go through what they did. My ex sil changed completely as a person over the affair. I have watched others who stayed married live in a paranoid state.
No I haven't been there in my marriage but that is what I believe I would do. Walk away.
I also hope that I would keep an amicable relationship for the sake of our son. My dh has always been the best father ever to our son. I don't think I could ever use him as a pawn as I've seen others do.
My parents had family friends and the wife cheated. She has been with the man she cheated with for more than 30 years. I'm sure her dh was extremely hurt but somehow they maintained a relationship in the best interest of their kids. His new wife and she are even friends. Both sets of parents are at all family events, share all grandchildren activities and etc together and it is amazing to see. I wish my brother and his ex could do this for their kids. I don't know if I could but I would hope that I wouldn't make our son suffer because we couldn't make it work. |
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cycworker
On dry runs Santa drives the Isuzu
PeaNut 159,331
July 2004
Posts: 9,384
Layouts: 0
Loc: Vancouver Island, BC, Canada
| Posted: 4/14/2012 3:26:14 PM
I think it's a completely personal decision that can't be made until you're in the thick of the situation
I agree. |
-Tania... but people who like me call me `Tang`
The secret of a good life is to have the right loyalties and hold them in the right scale of values.
Norman Thomas
US socialist politician (1884 - 1968)
Human and civil rights should NEVER be subject to the tyranny of the majority. Minorities gain legal equality only when those in power come to understand that their unearned privilege is wrong, and enforce change upon society. - ProfessorZed | |
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Luvnlifelady
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 289,166
December 2006
Posts: 17,322
Layouts: 7
Loc: Southern California
| Posted: 4/14/2012 3:50:55 PM
I did. We had very young children at the time (infant DS and 3 yo DD). They were the primary reason I did it, but I wouldn't have done it had I not still cared for DH.
It's now been 11 years almost that we've been back together (seperated for a year because of his affair). We had been married about 7 years before that (that darn itch)!
I trust him for the most part, but if he did it again, I would probably leave. Kids are older now and I feel like I could handle things better on my own than at the time of the previous issues.
Before all this happened, I would say I would never take him back. Who ever says that they will before it happens? You just never know.
I think at this time that it was the right thing to do. I just have to let it go. He works an hour from home and could be up to anything at anytime. I can't live my life wondering.
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heartcat
International Association of Epic Length Posters
PeaNut 51,429
October 2002
Posts: 39,651
Layouts: 237
Loc: Where dreams come true
| Posted: 4/14/2012 3:52:11 PM
When I was younger I would have said, 'No!' I would have internalized it and taken it more personally.
Now that I'm older, it would depend on the circumstances. Mostly, it would depend on dh's attitude. Whether he tried to blame me, as though it was my fault due to my shortcomings, or whether he accepted the blame himself. I think that in the first situation, someone is more likely to cheat again.
It would also depend how public it was and how many other people, friends and family, knew. I think it would be harder to get past knowing that the people close to me knew something so private and painful.
It would also depend on what the circumstances of the cheating were. Long term affair where he was 'in love'. Or a one night stand.
If it wasn't a deep emotional thing, if our friends and family didn't know about the betrayal, if he seemed truly contrite and to accept that this was totally his doing, and if we had an otherwise good relationship, there is a chance that we might be able to work past it.
I'm not really sure 'how' or what that would entail or how the trust could be rebuilt, or if it ever fully could. But now that I'm older, I believe that people who love one another often hurt one another and do one another 'wrong' in many different ways. And many of them we forgive and work on getting past without automatically thinking 'that's it'.
I think we are programmed in many ways to feel that a sexual betrayal is the ultimate 'worst' way a spouse can hurt you and let you down. That is has to be a 'deal breaker'. And it is a terrible betrayal.
I think that as I get older I would weigh it against a variety of other factors of the relationship and that it wouldn't be as devestating to me now as it would have been to me in my 20s. I'd feel that it was less about 'me', and in some ways might not even be about our marriage (meaning that it didn't happen because the marriage was bad or even in trouble), but might have to do with dh and his own issues.
If those issues were, 'I'm just an egotistical bastard, and couldn't resist some hot poontang, and I don't give a damn about your feelings, you drove me to this you harpie!' that would pretty much be it.
But if the issues were, 'I'm getting old and bald and not turning heads like I used to, and my younger brother died of a heart attack, and I'm scared and made a stupid cliched choice to jump in the sack with someone else to try to make myself feel better and regret it with all my heart' I might be able to come to terms with that.
Ans might feel that our marriage and our history and all of the other ways he 'had' been a good husband outweighed an out of character indiscretion. |
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Continuing to learn about dSLR photography!
Canon 50D with BG-E2N grip; Jupiter-37A 135mm 3.5; Carl Zeiss Jena 135mm 3.5; Jupiter-11A 135mm 4; Pentacon 135mm 2.8; Nikkor-P 105mm 2.5; RMC Tokina 80-200mm 4.5; Helios 44-2 58mm 2; Super Takumar 55mm 1.8; Vivitar 35mm 2.8; RMC Tokina 28mm 2.8; RMC Tokina 35-70mm 3.5; Panagor 90mm 2.8 macro; and a couple of modern AF Canon lenses that rarely see the light of day.
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*Delphinium Twinkle*
I'm just a pea:)
PeaNut 163,613
August 2004
Posts: 68,139
Layouts: 236
Loc: *Sunny Southern California*
| Posted: 4/14/2012 3:55:03 PM
I am married and if he cheated on me it would be over.
No second chances.
He knows exactly how I feel about it
I would never cheat.
Ever.
Even if I couldn't stand the sight of him.
If we were still married I would be faithful.
I expect the same of him
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khazlett
BucketHead
PeaNut 231,422
November 2005
Posts: 755
Layouts: 0
Loc: USA
| Posted: 4/14/2012 4:04:24 PM
I always thought I would be able to but, my first husband cheated and I just couldn't get past it. Maybe it was how it happened and I found out that was the reason. Maybe it was his general lack of remorse. Trust is very important to me in my marriage. Without it we just could not really be happy.
As someone else said all situtations are unique. | |
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skish
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 33,409
March 2002
Posts: 5,316
Layouts: 21
Loc: Wherever The Navy Sends Us
| Posted: 4/14/2012 4:15:34 PM
Answering hypothetically here. We've been married for 16.5 years and have 4 children. Knowing my husband's personality and some issues we've had in the past (nothing to do with cheating), I would have to say no, I wouldn't be able to get past it and move on. Leaving would be the hardest thing I've ever done, but I just don't think I could forgive a cheating spouse. |
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momofkandn
PeaAddict
PeaNut 159,041
July 2004
Posts: 1,039
Layouts: 0
Loc: Maryland
| Posted: 4/14/2012 4:20:18 PM
I chose to reconcile with my husband. Deep down I felt we had a marriage that was worth fighting for. And three small kids was a factor. I wasn't just saving a marriage, I was saving a family.
But the decision really boils down to two things. Is the cheating spouse willing to do whatever it takes to build the trust back up after they were solely responsible for tearing it down. And is the spouse that was cheated on willing to forgive. It takes both of things and a lot of strength to reconcile. It also takes time.
I will say however, now that my DH has seen first had the pure destruction and intense pain an affair causes, if he cheats again, I will leave immediately. Trust could not be rebuilt again and I'm not sure I could forgive again.
As far as who do you tell, you do have to be careful. You have to remember that whether you reconcile or not, just knowing could cause damage to relationships. Both your own and your spouse's. I was very selective to only tell those that I was sure could forgive him. For the most part, those that know have been supportive of my decision to stay with him. | |
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Annabella
Leads a Charmed Life
PeaNut 43,843
July 2002
Posts: 42,249
Layouts: 46
Loc: East Coast
| Posted: 4/14/2012 4:32:15 PM
I had this conversation recently with someone. I know now that I could never take my husband back if he fathered another child. I had a co-worker who was still married to his first wife and had grown children but then one day a 8 year old child called the office asking for her father. This gossip spread like wildfire because he had never mentioned this child before. Later on he admitted he had another child (not from his wife). I heard on the gossip mags that Maria is considering taking back Arnold, they're spending time together, etc.
My reasoning is not only is the other woman always going to be in your life, you have to look at this child that is a constant reminder of his cheating. Not to mention producing a child means he used no protection so he put you at risk for diseases.
To me a love child is a complete deal breaker. | |
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paulan
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 37,647
May 2002
Posts: 2,771
Layouts: 8
Loc: Indiana 47949
| Posted: 4/14/2012 5:02:56 PM
When dh and I got first got married I also said that there was a few deal breakers for me you know the "normal" stuff cheating, lying, abuse.
Well fast forward a few years and dh joined the army and right out of basic/ait he was sent to Korea alone while I was left in the states to raise our 2 small children.
Ok forward about decade and out of the blue he admits to me that he did cheat with a hooker of all things while he was in Korea. He said it only was once ok..
Now I had to rethink my whole marriage and history because it was not what I thought it was. But I also had to look over the past history of my dh towards me and our marriage. He only cheated that one time and we had been apart not seperated for almost a year while he was in Korea.
Now I am not a person to make excuses so it was hard. My situation is not the normal cheating sit up. I told him that if it was here near home then I would of never been able to handle it.
But I did get over it. Forget it not really. I just try not to dwell in the past. And so Dh and I have gotten thru it and are on solid ground. So we are better than ever. It did take time it was no over night. The first year after he told me was very rocky and there were times I almost thru in the towel.
Now if he had repeatedly cheated over the years no way no how would I of stayed.
Each person has to do what they think is best for themselves. If you think you can "get over it" I hate that saying sorry. Then try it. But only you will know what works for you and what doesn't.
Paula
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scissorbill
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 510,579
June 2011
Posts: 2,451
Layouts: 0
Loc: The Land of Steady Habits
| Posted: 4/14/2012 5:09:37 PM
Yes. If he was truly sorry and still 100% committed to me.
Owning property together would have zero impact on whether or not I'd stay! | |
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GIPfunny
PeaNut 147,074
May 2004
Posts: 25,947
Layouts: 521
| Posted: 4/14/2012 5:10:46 PM
I don't think anyone really knows until it happens to them. My first thought would be to divorce his sorry ass. | |
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Margeux
BucketHead
PeaNut 219,867
August 2005
Posts: 823
Layouts: 5
| Posted: 4/14/2012 5:18:00 PM
I guess I should do a spin-off, but what if you were the one who cheated after say 15 + years of marriage? If it were not repetitive, what would you expect from your spouse? |
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Luvnlifelady
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 289,166
December 2006
Posts: 17,322
Layouts: 7
Loc: Southern California
| Posted: 4/14/2012 5:33:24 PM
To the PP that asked what you should expect from your spouse for a one-time thing after 15 years...I might be able to get over it if it was a one time thing vs. an on-going relationship. However, the wrath of God would be upon my spouse for quite awhile and I don't know if he'd want to endure that!
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Robbin
PeaFixture
PeaNut 11,958
March 2001
Posts: 3,384
Layouts: 30
| Posted: 4/14/2012 5:34:24 PM
Like others have said, it is hard to know what I would do if it where to really happen. I will say that my SIL lived through a public he!! that I would not wish on ANY woman. It is not my story to tell, so I will not give details, but I know one of the hardest things about the whole event was that ALL of her family had to be told. When she stayed with him, there was major strife in the family. That was 4 years ago, and they are still together.
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Margeux
BucketHead
PeaNut 219,867
August 2005
Posts: 823
Layouts: 5
| Posted: 4/14/2012 6:11:40 PM
The reality is until you have experienced it, regardless the circumstance, saying what you would do, and doing it, are two entirely different things. |
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Woobster
The Banana Under the Couch Pea
PeaNut 295,941
February 2007
Posts: 6,605
Layouts: 0
Loc: Somewhere over the rainbow...
| Posted: 4/14/2012 6:14:33 PM
I don't think I could, but I can't say 100%. I hope to never find myself in that situation. | |
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