Almost 40 and my mother still drives me nuts! (yes, this is a vent) and a long one at that.

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Posted 10/3/2012 by bethany1023 in NSBR Board
 

bethany1023
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Posted: 10/3/2012 3:22:20 PM
I have a less than positive relationship with my mom to begin with. We promised my dad, literally on his death bed that I would bury the hatchet created in those delightful teen years with her and work on at least being more positive with the way things are between us.

It's worked, for the most part. We will never be best friends, but the dynamic of our relationship has changed for the better on both sides.

Today's bump, comes back to that old friend my hair. I should say I hate my hair, always have. it's thin, straight and I have a very sensitive scalp which means i hate to have it cut. I've worn it short for years because of this, but have started growing it out in the last few months.

She's decided I "need" to go to her styist to have it "styled" because it doesn't look professional. - her words not mine. She's paying for this. it's a Christmas gift.

The gut check 13 year old in me said no, you're not dictating who cuts my hair. What I said was let me think about it. in order to get my gut check reaction out of the way so I could calmly tell her I don't care to have my hair styled at this time, thank you.

SHe calls back 10 minutes later and is pushing me to do this. I say fine, but I want to go to the woman who cuts my hair. She wants to come with me, in order to pay for it. but I know she's going to try and chat with the stylist about what I need to have done.

I'm upset about this, but I don't think she's going to change her mind. she knows I'm pissed but is convinced she's right and I'm wrong and isn't going to back down from that. - a trait we share.

Anyone have any ideas as to how to politely tell her this is NOT a good idea. She seems to think that because i work for 2 women, they notice my hair isn't styled and that's I am therefore not professional. When IMO, I show up with clean hair and clothing that is appropriate to my office environment and the women I work with couldn't give a flip if it's styled or not.

and on the flip side, do you feel personal appearance - I don't work with the public- is a requirement for a job or advancing in a job.

dynalady
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Posted: 10/3/2012 3:34:46 PM

do you feel personal appearance - I don't work with the public- is a requirement for a job or advancing in a job.




I don't think its a requirement, but I do think it is important. If you don't present yourself as a professional you are less apt to be treated as one.

Why not give her stylist a try? You might be pleasantly surprised. And if not, its hair, it will grow.







"I contend we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." Stephen Roberts




LolaLayout
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Posted: 10/3/2012 3:41:21 PM
Burying the hatchet with your mother is one thing, but being her doormat is another.

If she asks you about going to her stylist again, just smile and say, "No thank you."

No is a complete sentence.

It is okay to distance yourself from people who make you feel badly. Even if that person is your mother.

AthenainCA
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Posted: 10/3/2012 3:42:36 PM
Your mother controls you to the extent you do what she says. If you refuse, then she's just frustrated, but not controlling.


and on the flip side, do you feel personal appearance - I don't work with the public- is a requirement for a job or advancing in a job.

It's certainly a factor. You ought to care about putting forth a professional appearance, but what that constitutes is up to you. Sometimes others do see us differently than we've become accustomed to seeing in ourselves.

If you truly don't want the gift because of the excess baggage that comes with it, "No thanks Mom." is a complete sentence.




tallydale
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Posted: 10/3/2012 3:44:45 PM
Trust your gut. Every time I fail to listen to mine, I get a zinger.
If you want to change your hair, go to someone you trust who does not have an agenda.





PierKiss
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Posted: 10/3/2012 3:46:01 PM
What do you mean when you say your mom thinks you need to have your hair styled? Do you not brush it every morning before work? Do you only wear it in a pony tail?



Marzbar71
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Posted: 10/3/2012 3:50:07 PM
This thread is useless without a pic of what your hair currently looks like.


Marzee

bethany1023
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Posted: 10/3/2012 3:55:48 PM
PierKiss, I'm growing it out from a pixie style short cut, which means while I keep it clean and brushed it's just not long enough to do much of anything with it. I can pull some of it into a pony tail, but the back falls out within an hour and that really does look unprofessional.

I'm trying to thin out my bangs a little too so I usually sweep the part that is juust long enough to hit me in the eye, to the side with a barrette or bobby pin and don't mess with the rest of it aside from brushing it.

She's convinced that her stylist can cut it so I don't have to mess with it in the morning, something I do NOT have the time to do. I disagree but of course she doesn't want to hear that.

MizIndependent
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Posted: 10/3/2012 3:58:00 PM

Anyone have any ideas as to how to politely tell her this is NOT a good idea.
Well, telling her "no" outright didn't seem to work. How about, "What are you REALLY saying, mom? Don't you love me just the way I am?"

It's a little passive aggressive, but it might get her to rethink her motives.



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Legacy Girl
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Posted: 10/3/2012 4:06:09 PM
I'd tell her you'll get a haircut, and she can pay for it, but you're going to a fabulous, high-end stylist at one of the best salons in the area. And she's welcome to join you, but only if she'll get HER hair cut, too. Two can play at that game!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


finally~a~mama
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Posted: 10/3/2012 4:06:50 PM
You are more patient than I. I would get annoyed & spout off something like "Gee, thanks Mom. I think I can manage to get my hair cut all by myself now that I'm almost 40." I am easily irritated by pushy people though.




PierKiss
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Posted: 10/3/2012 4:08:46 PM
Ok gotcha. Since you are trying to grow it out from a pixie, I can't imagine getting it cut shorter is going to help... The hairstylist might be able to give you some tips on how you can get the pony to last for more than an hour, or other ways to do it so that it stays put.

But, regardless of all that, if you don't want to do it, just tell her no thanks mom. Explain to her that you are growing it out, and you are comfortable with the way it works, as are the other ladies in your office.



smilesnpeacesigns
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Posted: 10/3/2012 5:57:19 PM
I feel for you, it sounds like you know what you need to do for your hair. It takes someone with a lot of self confidence to pull of a pixie cut!! Don't let her bully you into a hair cut/style you don't want.


Even with the snark, trolls and spelling police you are a great group of ladies!

cocoanmom
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Posted: 10/3/2012 6:06:44 PM
Funny.. Sounds like my Mom. The running joke in my family is for my Mom to tell my hair look like crap.
Dont let her bully you. Just hang in there and do what you want with your hair. I usually just try to think she is trying to be helpful and just does not get it. They want the best for us..in their own mind of what that is. I do think that appearance does matter in work. But that means just being clean and presentable. Not a fashion model at all times.

My Hijack is when I was telling my Mom I think I am entering perimenopause. I was asked her some questions of how it was for her . She then ended the conversation with her telling me to make sure I change my tampon before I left to pick the kids up from school. Um I am freaking 42 yo.
I love her..but sometimes

Really Red
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Posted: 10/3/2012 6:09:07 PM
"You know what, Mom? I've rethought this and do not want to do anything right now. Thank you for the offer."

Mom: "But sweetie, it will look so much better once it's done."

You: "Thanks, Mom. My decision is final. I appreciate your concern."

Mom: "But dear..."

You: "I have to go now, Mom. Talk to you soon."

My mom makes me INSANE with her negative comments after everything I say - it doesn't matter how happy the occasion. I have learned to stop the conversation and tell her I love her and good bye. It doesn't always work (sometimes I do get annoyed), but when it works, I feel GREAT.

Stay firm and strong.

P.s. to answer your second question, yes, personal appearance is important, but as long as you don't stink and you match somewhat, that is all I care about.


Andrea

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

mikklynn
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Posted: 10/4/2012 3:12:02 PM
My first instinct was to politely tell mom "no thank you" repeatedly. But, then I had another thought...do you like your mom's hair? If so, maybe it's just a habit to tell her no and you should give it a try.

Either way, please do not let yourself be bullied into something you don't want to do!


Lynn



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Posted: 10/4/2012 3:23:54 PM
I'd say no thank you and when she starts to push it again:

1. First, acknowledge her concern. "I can see why you think I need to get my hair styled, but _____ is not something I'm focused on right now"

2. Then, offer an alternative. "How about we save your gift for a rainy day....or let me grow my hair out a little more and then I'll be ready for a cut, color, whatever"

3. Finally, draw the line. "I'm so glad you understand Mom, I know it's hard for you not to help me like this." Hug it out and then say, "I'm so glad we can stop talking hair now...wanna come with me to the store? How about those Cowboys?"

I know exactly how you feel...btdt

Creativegirl
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Posted: 10/4/2012 3:35:09 PM
I would not do it just because your mom is telling you to. I would be firm with her about that.

But, it sounds like you aren't happy with your hair and agree that it isn't professional. In that case, I would just go get it cut and not saying anything to her until it's done.

There is some great info online about transitioning from a pixie cut to long hair. Just google "pixie to long hair transition". This blog has pictures of her transition and tips on growing out short hair and I think she looks super cute all along the way!


Anna




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Posted: 10/4/2012 3:45:10 PM
Burying the hatchet with your mother is one thing, but being her doormat is another.

If she asks you about going to her stylist again, just smile and say, "No thank you."

No is a complete sentence.



I agree and I don't see anything wrong with having a pixie cut if that is what you like and works for you.


~*Melissa*~

Annabella
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Posted: 10/4/2012 3:52:54 PM
Honestly I would post a pic on 2peas of what your hair looks like on a regular basis and get unbias opinions on whether you need a new style, if so, then I would try out a new stylist.




Compwalla
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Posted: 10/4/2012 4:09:07 PM
Yes, your appearance matters at work even if you are not client-facing. See: 90% of the episodes of What Not To Wear. Are you saying no because of your dynamic with your mom or are you saying no because you really think you look your best already? If you really don't want to change your hair, say no. She'll get glad in the same pants she got mad in.


Virginia

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smilesnpeacesigns
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Posted: 10/4/2012 4:12:34 PM
Thanks for the link to the cute blog Anna. I enjoyed it, I hope the OP takes a look too.


Even with the snark, trolls and spelling police you are a great group of ladies!

dictionary
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Posted: 10/4/2012 5:06:59 PM
I think personal appearance with being a good worker it's a 50/50.

As for your mother..sigh I so feel for you sister..I have a hard time telling my mother no and have learned to let go of some of the dramatics of my teen years..and like you my father also died so trying to be a good daughter. There are some times on the phone I just tell her I have to go...just so I don't have to deal with her. It's just easier and less frustration on my part in the end.

Basically what you are going have to tell her is, I appreciate your offer but I have decided to just XXXX. And let it go..and if she harps up again, just tell her I understand what your telling me but I am a grown woman and I feel more comfortable XXXX.

Good Luck and remember deep breaths.


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Posted: 10/4/2012 5:33:41 PM
Look what you want is for your mother to not be frustrated, which means YOU are frustrated.

No, thanks, is a good sentence. Will she be frustrated? Yep. But that's her problem. Why make it yours?

And yes I do think appearance is important in the workplace, but if you like how you look and fit your company's dress code daily I think it is fine.



Mariah2
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Posted: 10/4/2012 5:36:18 PM

She's convinced that her stylist can cut it so I don't have to mess with it in the morning, something I do NOT have the time to do. I disagree but of course she doesn't want to hear that.


Well, you don't know that.

And you are completely unwilling to entertain the idea for no reason other than she wants you to.



bethany1023
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Posted: 10/4/2012 6:32:51 PM
LOVE the blog, and her hair here:


Is very similar to where mine is now in terms of both length and style. Of course, I saw her pixie cut and said how cute! Why did I grow it out again?

I called mom yesterday and made the suggestion that she purchase a GC to my salon to be used by me later. I object to her talking to the stylist about what I "need" to do. I do not object to getting it cut.

She said she wanted to go with me to get it cut. I tried to tap dance around that (we live on opposite ends of a fairly large city, I go in the evenings and don't want to ask her to be out late etc.) and we left it that she was going to "think" about it.




readsomething
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Posted: 10/5/2012 7:12:40 AM
I say this as someone who has the same mom. BUT (fair warning) my mother has chosen not to speak to me for about 6 years, because I let her know that, as a wife, mom and someone in my (at the time) mid-30s, I can make my own decisions now, thank you.

My mom has serious trouble with boundaries. She had a TERRIBLE childhood and had no idea of how normal people treat each other. To her, a normal conversation had threats and accusations and anger in it. I couldn't live that way -- I wanted a life free of drama, so I put my foot down. She didn't like that (also because of her terrible childhood, she is super controlling -- it's the only way she knows how not to be afraid -- if she's not in control, she is convinced that terrible things happen).

When I read this:


She said she wanted to go with me to get it cut. I tried to tap dance around that (we live on opposite ends of a fairly large city, I go in the evenings and don't want to ask her to be out late etc.) and we left it that she was going to "think" about it.


What I read is that your mother wants to pay for your haircut/style/whatever. AND she wants to have a say in how it is done. IF you go along with her "plan," and let her come with you, do you really expect, given what she's already said, that she will remain quiet and "allow" you and the stylist to decide what to do with your hair?

Every time I had my mom's stylist do my hair, I hated it. (The last time I did this was on my wedding day, of my first marriage. I ended up with teased, high helmet hair.) My mom is 60-something and loves to fry her hair -- right now, her dark brown hair is white blond. NOT MY STYLE AT ALL. If I were to go to her stylist, I'd look that way, too. (I have a 30-year-old sister, and my mom copies her hair. But my sister is a natural blond!)

I have had to make peace with the fact that my mom and I do not agree on very much. At all. If it were up to me, we'd find common ground where we do agree, and we'd love each other despite our differences. She can't do that, so that's her choice.


Heather
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squillen
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Posted: 10/5/2012 7:19:59 AM
I'm 40 and my mom tries to treat me like a child sometimes. Fortunately, I live 3,000 miles from her, but I did have to say something to her. I said, "Mom, I'm a 40 year old woman now and I make my own decisions. But thank you for your advice and concern."

Never had a problem after that. Moms are moms forever (for the most part. lol) and I think they will always want to "parent" us, kwim? Be firm with her and let her know you can make your own choices on how you want your hair styled or whatever it may be that she's trying to control in your life.



aniheartsjapan
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Posted: 10/5/2012 8:09:52 AM
In my experience with my mother, sometimes polite doesn't do the trick. Sometimes I have to just be blunt and FIRM...otherwise, she won't give in. I refuse to be treated like a child when I'm not.

pea brain
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Posted: 10/5/2012 9:10:12 AM
huh. That pic you posted.......my hair would never fall like that. I'd have to work it. It looks like she would have to do a lot of work with it with a big brush? No? I'm no hairstylist. But my hair is thick and huge.

Are you willing to put a lot of work into it?

I'm just wondering because you said your hair was thin. My hair would frizz too. Maybe your hair would do that, I don't know. Mine wouldn't.


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