If you struggle with depression

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Posted 10/27/2012 by janet r in NSBR Board
 

janet r
AncestralPea

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Posted: 10/27/2012 10:47:40 AM
How does your family deal with it? How does your spouse or SO deal with it?

I just end up feeling like such a huge burden. My husband gets upset because I let the house go sometimes. I told him I felt like a bad person and he said I needed to do whatever it takes to become a good person. I HATE this time of year too. It's so depressing to me.

I want to be fixed and not be this way. I take medication and go to therrapy and try to force myself to do things when I don't feel like it. Lately I've been feeling "what's the use" and things haven't been so good and that is my fault. I blame myself for this. There is something inherently wrong with me and I don't know how to fix it.

My husband really got onto me this morning about the house and how I have no idea how good I have it and several other things that really hurt. I know I deserve those words.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what else I can do. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just venting.

LottaFire
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Posted: 10/27/2012 10:56:49 AM
I really don't think anyone who has never been depressed, really understands depression. Maybe you need to hire a cleaning service so all that you "have" to do is the daily clean up & upkeep.
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creativechicky
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Posted: 10/27/2012 11:03:42 AM
I have depression too and it's a struggle to keep going. What I do is allow myself some time to do fun things in the morning and then I do usually one chore a day so it's not overwhelming.

After I get the chore done, I feel relieved =)

Sometimes, I have to change my medication because it stops working for me. Maybe you need to change up your medication.

Physical activity helps with depression. I don't give myself the choice to do nothing very often. Staying busy, keeps your mind busy and so you're not dwelling on your problems.

Some days are bad and some days are good which is par for the course.


paigepea
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Posted: 10/27/2012 11:10:53 AM
I agree, get a cleaning service once a week or every other week.

Are you exercising - that always helps me if medication doesn't work or if I'm not medicated at the moment.

I'm always more depressed when my house is messy, so I can't let the house go. I feel anxious and overwhelmed if things are out of place - but that is my slight OCD.

But g-d help dh if he ever said anything to me. I need a supportive husband. At the same time, I never use anxiety or depression as an excuse for not getting housework done. I've always been able to schlep myself around the house to make it look reasonable no matter how crappy I feel - perhaps having something specific to focus on makes me feel better. I do understand that everyone deals differently. I hope you feel better soon, although there are such great meds out there, I'm surprised your doc hasn't tried a different one.






biochemipea
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Posted: 10/27/2012 11:31:55 AM
You absolutely do not deserve those words!

Sounds like your husband needs to do some reading or go to therapy with you a few times to learn what depression is really like.

Why doesn't he help with the house?







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Judie in Oz
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Posted: 10/27/2012 11:51:30 AM
I wish there were a "like" button, because I'd be using it on what biochempea said. Your husband is being an ass.

Judie

biochemipea
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Posted: 10/27/2012 11:54:18 AM
Would you blame yourself if you had diabetes, cancer, or asthma? Depression is an illness, not a choice.
I think as long as you are being responsible taking care of yourself -- seeking medical treatment and taking medication, getting exercise and eating properly and sleeping enough -- you need to be easier on yourself.

If you are taking medication and still cannot function, maybe it is time to change your dosage or try a different prescription?







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IPeaFreely
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Posted: 10/27/2012 11:59:43 AM
Maybe break it down into really small bits. Just do one small thing to make yourself feel better. Load and start the dishwasher even tho there are more dishes that didnt fit it. Just let them sit for a second load. Get up and swiffer somethng.


pastda3
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Posted: 10/27/2012 12:12:35 PM
First of all, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I too have bouts of depression and like some others have said focusing on one thing and trying to get moving does help a little. (At least for me it does.)

I do have it very good and I'm very grateful, but sometimes it doesn't matter; I'm still sad. Sometimes my house is a mess and it overwhelms me to the point of tears. Then I very slowly tackle what I can handle.

It sounds like you're getting help, but maybe you need MORE help. I don't think it helps you to have anyone call your husband names. Maybe your husband is frustrated because he doesn't understand what you're going through and he feels helpless and overwhelmed as well. Maybe he should attend some sessions with you so he has a better understanding of what you're going through.

My husband told me last night that maybe I should consider getting help to get the house squared away. I feel like a loser because I'm a SAHW. I should be able to clean my own house. My heart goes out to you. I hope you start to feel a little better soon.

I know when the fall comes around, as much as I love it, I secretly start to spiral down because I know the holidays are right around the corner. I don't do very well with them sometimes.


b.

janet r
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Posted: 10/27/2012 2:07:09 PM
Thanks for all the good advice. I do find this time of year to be very hard. I know I have to do better about the house. I have done a lot of cleaning this week, but you can't really tell it. I did some organizing that isn't obvious. So sometimes I feel like what difference does it really make if no one can even tell I've done anything.

Anyway, I HAVE to do better. I really wish I didn't struggle with depression, but I do. I really wish there was some easy fix, but there isn't.

Maybe the medication isn't right. I've been on the same thing for several years. Maybe something else could help more. It's SO scary to change medications, but maybe that is what I need to do.

I wish I didn't frustrate my husband. I am so sad about letting him down. I do feel like such a monster and a bad person. Like I just go around destroying everyone. If I had known how much trouble I would be to my husband and children I would never have gotten married. But I can't go back in time.

I feel like there is a giant weight on my chest and I can't breathe. This is so stressful. I worked on the house a lot today, but it's probably not enough. I hate this. I can't help but think my husband and kids would be better off without me.

Mystie
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Posted: 10/27/2012 2:17:55 PM
Your husband is the one with the problem, not you. If you are trying, really trying, to feel better--and it certainly sounds like you are--then you are doing your part. HE is not doing HIS part of supporting you and loving you and helping you when he can.

I have had a very bad year with my depression, and I absolutely know what you mean about feeling like a burden, feeling like a bad person, feeling unable to do the simplest task and then feeling terrible and guilty because you feel so unable. This is depression! This is an illness, like any other, but so much harder for the sufferer to deal with, and so much harder for the sufferer's friends and family to understand. I hate this illness, and I sympathize so much with you when you say you just want to be fixed.

Have you thought about having your husband go to a therapy session with you? He is not helping you, he is hindering you and making things worse for you. It sounds like he truly does not understand what depression is, and a session or two with your therapist might open his eyes.

I wouldn't be here if my DH wasn't supportive and understanding. I mean I literally would not be living, I believe that. I can't imagine how much it adds to your pain to have a husband who isn't understanding.

If you have kids and they're old enough, they could be helping you keep the house in order, and your husband could, too. If you can afford it, I think getting a cleaning service in even once or twice a month could really help the state of your house--and the state of your mind, too. I know I feel better when things are clean--or at least tidy.

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. None of this is your fault. There is nothing wrong with you. You are doing your best. And you DO NOT deserve the harsh words your husband said to you this morning.


Janelle



Mystie
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Posted: 10/27/2012 2:20:55 PM
Janet, please think about calling your therapist on Monday. You are the lifeblood of your home, and your husband and kids would NOT be better off without you. It concerns me that you're having those thoughts. That is evil depression talking to you and telling you lies! Try not to listen to that voice, okay?


Janelle



UkSue
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Posted: 10/27/2012 2:28:56 PM
Before I was diagnosed with bowel cancer 4 years ago, I was very anaemic, felt listless and dizzy most of the time. I remember having an argument with my ex who said something like ' you need to get your fat a--se out of that damn chair and do something.' I'll never forget how his words hurt me.

You really don't need to be hearing that sort of negative nonsense from your husband. He obviously has no idea how your depression debilitates you. It's a bit like someone telling you to 'pull yourself together' or 'get over it'.

Really sounds like you need to be re-evaluated and your therapy/ treatment adjusted. I hope you feel better very soon, but in the intervening time do not believe that you need to hear mean words from someone who is supposed to love and support you in sickness and health!


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Carolina Girl 71
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Posted: 10/27/2012 2:37:05 PM

I wish I didn't frustrate my husband. I am so sad about letting him down. I do feel like such a monster and a bad person. Like I just go around destroying everyone. If I had known how much trouble I would be to my husband and children I would never have gotten married. But I can't go back in time.



IMHO, the above statements are not you talking and this is not reality. This is what the depression is making you feel like and think but you are not able to see it clearly right now. I am so sorry you are going through this. I, too, think you need to call your therapist on Monday - or sooner, if there is a system for covering weekends! (((Hugs))) and please come back here any time day or night that you need someone to talk to - we're always here!!


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Leeleemagee
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Posted: 10/27/2012 2:51:30 PM
Have you seen a psychiatrist about your medication or did your GP prescribe it? I might be worth going to see someone more specialised to get you on the right medication and get the dosage sorted out.

Setting up a rota might help with the cleaning as well. Keep it managable and stick to it. You could ask your husband to take on some smaller tasks and if your kids are old enough they could be given some responsibilities as well. That way you'll know certain things have been done and won't feel like it's spiraling out of control. And try not to expect perfection. It doesn't matter if the house is messy as long as it's clean.



MellyW
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Posted: 10/27/2012 3:26:56 PM
Janet- Your posts are breaking my heart. You are not a bad person, in any way a monster.

You have to go back to your Doctor, I hear the depression talking. I know it's the depression, because when I spiral down, I hear the same words.

It's hurting me to hear those words from someone else, because I was there over the summer. I've also always kept up my house, until this past depression. I spiraled down because I was diagnosed with 3 different Auto-Immune diseases.

Summer is my bad time, & I combat it by swimming. One of the medications I was put on, I couldn't be in the sun. Not to hard to see now why it all happened, but it was worse because I was in so much pain, had near constant migraines.

Yeah, the house went to h*ll. And that made me feel worse, the one thing that has always been my "job", I couldn't do.

And, sweetie, my DH is so incredibly supportive, & guess what? All those same words were running thru my head. Exactly as you said, I felt like a burden, that I should have never married & made myself a burden to my DH & DD.

I did not want to add yet another medication to the what felt like tons of other medications to get everything under control.

But thats exactly what I needed, because on top of the 3 Auto-Immunes, I had another illness that needed treated, Depression.

Has your DH ever gone to counseling with you? Hearing from an impartial source may help him to understand that you are sick, you aren't yourself. That it may be a little rough changing med's, but then it will be better.


Please, please, please get into your Doctor Monday. From one who suffers from the same illness, you deserve so much more.

PennyPaws
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Posted: 10/27/2012 4:29:27 PM
Like so many other Peas said, depression is an illness - you didn't choose it, you're not in control of it, and it's one of the hardest illnesses for anyone to understand... It breaks my heart to hear what he's said to you... What he said was wrong... No one would expect someone with an illness to do things that their illness prevented them from doing... You are not lazy... You are not a monster... Depression is the monster - it makes you sick, and worse it lets you think that you are the problem... There are so many more important things in life than housework... Your health is the most important thing... You are doing amazing things - you are taking your medications, which can be a challenge when struggling with depression... You are also seeing a therapist... You are doing good things and working hard... I wish your husband could see that and admire the strength you're showing when you do those things...

If your husband would be willing to go to the therapist, so that a medical professional can explain the disease - that it is a disease, the things it makes difficult, and answer any questions he has... Hopefully with the chance to learn and understand, he will not make those kind of comments again...

My father had a very hard time when he found out that I had been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD... He started planning all these things for me to do - to get my mind off of it, to keep me busy, so that I could accomplish things... His heart was in the right place and he wanted so badly to fix it... I was lucky that he never said anything as hurtful as your husband has said, but I understand the frustration of someone not understanding and how their attempts to 'fix things' can make things feel even worse...

It's not you... I wish I had better and stronger words that would make you believe it... You're a strong, hardworking, wonderful person... If you even need anyone to talk to, feel free to pmail me...



anorviel
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Posted: 10/27/2012 4:47:44 PM
I took my husband to therapy with me and had my therapist explain to both of us what is helpful and what is not helpful. It was a neutral place for me to explain to him how I already felt (like a burden, no fun, like I was letting us down) and it was also a neutral place for him to ask the questions he had about what the heck was going on with me. It wasn't an easy session, it was probably one of the hardest. But it made a huge difference in how we were able to relate to each other and gave both of us the chance to allow progress to happen at home.

Depression isn't easy and it isn't anything anyone can fix for you. You have to have the support you need so that you can do the work. My experience was that things felt worse after seeking therapy before they felt better. It certainly isn't something that your husband can snap you out of, which is how I'm interpreting the things he is saying to you.

If he won't go with you, I fear you have a larger problem. However, the fact that you are getting help means that you are not THE problem in this equation and your family would NOT be better off without you.

I agree with the previous poster - call your therapist first thing Monday; if you need to, call them tomorrow!

Ann

WillowJane
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Posted: 10/27/2012 5:19:53 PM
There are three things I always have to remind myself when I get depressed and the people I love are not supportive...

First - The only person's behavior and words you can control are yours. If your DH is saying things that are mean and hurtful, that is HIS issue - not yours. Take that off your shoulders because you are wearing enough right now.

Second - I make myself more depressed and/or angry when I give MY power away; by letting someone else dictate how I feel. Jim Rohn says "No one else makes us angry. We make ourselves angry when we surrender control of our attitude. What someone else may have done is irrelevant. We choose, not they. They merely put our attitude to a test." Don't give your power to your husband. It belongs to YOU.

Third - Exercise. Walk. Run. Yoga. Swim. For 30 minutes at least. Change your hormone flow to give you something good to battle the bad.

Depression is an illness. There are things WE can do to fight that illness. One way I fight it is by filling my mind with positive sayings from other positive people in addition to help from my doctor and supportive friends and family.

Jim Rohn quotes are really helping me right now. Hopefully they will help you too. My favorite right now: "I will take care of me for you if you will take care of you for me."

You don't need to be fixed. You need to take care of yourself. The house and DH can wait.



scrapco
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Posted: 10/27/2012 5:33:51 PM
I also struggle with depression. One thing that helps me is focusing on one thing each day to take back control, since it does make me feel vulnerable and out of control. Remember you are a work of art and God loves you dearly. All of us struggle with something, but if I remind myself I'm not alone, it helps me feel stronger for facing today. I'll get through tomorrow when it comes.


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janet r
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Posted: 10/27/2012 8:54:06 PM
Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences and for your kind and encouraging words.

I did a lot of work on the house today, but I just feel dead inside. I feel like I have no one to count on who will help me through this hard time.

I honestly do not mean to be a frustrating person. I never want to cause harm to anyone or anything and I do not want to be a source of stress. I have not meant to make my husband resent me. It hurts very much that it has ended up to be that way.

I am so frustrated with myself for STILL being this way and still struggling with this. I have done a lot of work in therapy, but here I still am. The medications do take the edge off the anxiety and depression, but maybe there are some that would work better. I am going to talk to my doctor about that the next time I see her. I do see a GP for meds because there literally are no psychiatrists in the area. I've tried looking even two hours away, but they were only taking patients in their own county. I know it might help if I had that support, but it just isn't something available.

I do have kids who help a lot. I don't want to put too much on them. It's hard to find a balance. I know this has to be hard on them too. I really try to be upbeat and have a good sense of humor with them and hide the depression, but I know kids are very smart and pick up on things like that pretty easily.

I am just so tired. I feel like I am worn down. I need to take better care of myself and exercise, but mostly I just don't care about myself that much.

I do take a lot of comfort in my pets. I love my cats and dogs very much and try to take good care of them. They don't judge me and they just love on me when I need it.

Anyway, thanks so much. I have found comfort in your words tonight.

Gynergy
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 10/27/2012 9:27:21 PM
You've gotten some good suggestions. One thing that hasn't been mentioned is support groups (which are free) and can be a very beneficial source of support.

A few to consider: NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), DBSA (Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance), EA (Emotions Anonymous).

Even if there aren't any meetings locally, all of the websites have valuable info on them. NAMI is particularly helpful for family members -- you might encourage your husband to look at some of their pages. And, if you have NAMI in your area, they offer a free group for families of people with mental illness as well as for patients.

This is not your fault, you didn't choose this illness anymore than a person with Diabetes chooses her illness, and it is just as real as any other medical diagnosis. Please follow up with your MD and therapist ASAP, and if you're feeling suicidal, please go to the ER or call a crisis line: 1-800-273-TALK http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

It *Does* get better. (((Hugs)))


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creativechicky
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Posted: 10/27/2012 9:41:59 PM

I did a lot of work on the house today, but I just feel dead inside. I feel like I have no one to count on who will help me through this hard time.

I honestly do not mean to be a frustrating person. I never want to cause harm to anyone or anything and I do not want to be a source of stress. I have not meant to make my husband resent me. It hurts very much that it has ended up to be that way.



These are the kind of thoughts that run through my head sometimes too. What I do is ask myself if my friend came to me with those kind of thoughts, what would I say to her? I would be very supportive and tell her not to listen to those negative thoughts. You should treat yourself the very same way.

I've found with my husband, he wants to fix things for me. If he can't fix things for me he gets very frustrated. Depression isn't something you can fix. You can medicate which helps, but it's not something you can control like your blood pressure.

I agree on finding a support group. It really would help you to see and talk to others who have depression. You will find that depression is very common.

Another thing I do when I start feeling down, I start looking for all the positive things in my life. Even the most miniscule thing that can make you happy. Start trying to do more of those things for yourself. You don't have to earn those things you already deserve them. The little things really can make a big difference. HTH!

scrappintoee
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Posted: 11/23/2012 5:21:56 PM
((hugs)) to OP and everyone else who shared their struggles. Depression is so hard sometimes and I have found many people who've never been there have a very hard time understanding it.

joscraps
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 11/23/2012 6:17:01 PM
I too suffer from depression. I have been stable then the past few weeks spiraled a little. Please talk to your doc about changing meds. I did and I am waiting to see if it helps. Hang in there and someone needs to explain it to your DH. (((((Hugs))))))


Jo

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Luvnlifelady
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Posted: 11/23/2012 7:43:25 PM
Just a tip to those suffering...I've never been dx'ed with it, but feel I suffer from this too. One thing that seems to help me is having a job. It helps to force me to get up and out of the house.

I always think with more time, I'll get to this, this, and this...however, I've been home for 8 months before finding another job and I got diddly squat done of those long-standing projects. It's so easy to waste time or sleep.

Hope all of you can find a solution to dealing with this and get the support of those around you.



makingmemorieslast
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Posted: 11/24/2012 12:55:56 AM

I just end up feeling like such a huge burden. My husband gets upset because I let the house go sometimes. I told him I felt like a bad person and he said I needed to do whatever it takes to become a good person.



This is absolutely ridiculous of your DH. Do NOT let yourself internalize what he said. That was a very cruel thing to say. Whether he "gets" how crippling depression can be or not, it's still uncalled for to tell your wife she's essentially a bad person. A bad person for what? For feeling so overwhelmed inside that wiping the counter seems harder than climbing a mountain? Geesh, it's not like you WANT to feel that way, or that you're making yourself feel that way on purpose. OBVIOUSLY you wish you could do normal things like everyone else without it seeming completely overwhelming. Duh!

I DO understand feeling like a burden to your family. I feel that as well sometimes. In the past when my depression was worse than it is now (See, it CAN get better! ), I REALLY felt like a burden to DH/family. I felt like life would be so much easier for them if I wasn't there with them. But honestly there are things about ALL OF US that make things a little harder for the others in our family. I'm sure there are things about your DH, kids, etc., that aren't all sunshine and rainbows. But you accept those things as part of who they are, because you love them and they are family. And you deserve the same from them. Maybe you get stuck sometimes and can't handle getting the house in order, but there are also lots of good things about you that outweigh that.

And just because you have some issues that prevent you from doing things your DH wants done, doesn't mean he can turn around and say mean things to you. Now instead of one issue there are two! Plus, yours isn't done on purpose, b/c it was out of your control at the time, but he was fully in control of choosing to be supportive to you or hurtful, and he chose hurtful.

My DH is not perfect and he certainly has his faults (as do we all), but I have to say, I really lucked out when it comes to having a partner that knows how to be supportive with my depression. DH has never said anything negative like this to me in all our years together. He has never raised his voice or put me down. I'm sure he gets frustrated often when I'm struggling, but he always remains supportive. He also listens carefully to me about how I'm feeling and what I'm struggling with. And he has never, ever said anything like what your DH said.

Not that I'm trying to brag, AT ALL, I'm just pointing out that it's not okay for your DH to talk to you like that. If someone tries to tell you that of course he's going to react like that b/c he's frustrated with your depression, now you know that that's not true - there ARE partners that can get frustrated but still remain very supportive of their depressed spouse.

Best of luck to you and remember it CAN get much better. I had several periods of time in my life where I would've been a zillion dollars there was no way out - that things could not possibly be easier, or a little happier. But I was wrong. There are still a lot of very bad things in my life, but somehow I actually feel happy a lot of the time.

Take care of yourself ((HUGS))


-Tara-

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Posted: 11/24/2012 1:08:27 AM
I have depression. You do not deserve those words.

I am a SAHM, so the housework is mine to do. DH understands when I'm having a tough time and will do the laundry and dishes and things like that without saying a word to me. Once he starts doing a house chore, I ask him if he would rather relax and I'll finish it. 95 percent of the time he says "nope, I'll do it babe." The other five percent he'll let me help, but he keeps on doing the chore too. But it wasn't always this way.

I'm sorry he isn't very understanding right now. My husband used to think depression was a crutch, until he was diagnosed with it too (though not as severe a case as mine). Then he did a lot of research and changed his attitude.

*ETA* I agree, if you can afford it, absolutely hire a cleaning service.

The holidays are a really hard time for many who have depression. My mom is bi-polar and this time of year is really bad for her.


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gar
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Posted: 11/24/2012 1:40:40 AM
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time but you DO NOT deserve your husband's scorn. ALL that means is that he doesn't understand, not that he's correct about you.

I had post natal depression and I can look back and see that the things I thought during that period *weren't me*.....they were the illness talking and I think it's true for you too. You feel a burden and feel uselss etc but that's not the real you, that's the illness making you feel that.

I agree with everyone else that perhaps your meds aren't working, or the dose needs adjusting, perhaps you need different therapy.....something needs to change.

I'm not sure what you can do about your DH's attitude - unless he's willing to go to a therapy session with you or read about depression so he gets some understanding of how it's affects people. If he won't then you need to put you and your kids first and know how lost they would be without you and how much you would miss out on not seeing them grow up.

(((hugs))) to you.



Today, I will be colouring outside the lines.


Maite
There is no secret ingredient

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Posted: 11/24/2012 9:18:50 AM
You are not a bad person. Please don't let your husband bring you down like this. Could you talk to your therapist about this?


Maite

A miracle is something that seems impossible but happens anyway.

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Georgiapea
Mom to the Wild Things.

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Posted: 11/24/2012 10:00:26 AM
My heart just hurts, Janet, for what you are going through. Maybe your Hubby would be helped by reading the 'Spoon Theory'. It's aimed at those like me, who have 'exaustive' conditions, but it might help him understand that not everyone has HIS energy level.

I never thought of myself as depressed, but upon my Fibro Dx, I was put on Celexea and soon realized how much better about everything my attitude was.

Your birth family is actually harming you and I'd recommend staying far away from all of them. The things they say to you are horrible. You've heard here from women who understand how your body chemistry is working because they've experienced the same thing.

Have your kids help more, have your DH help more, and if it's affordable, have someone come in to assist.

ETA: I just wanted to add that what your DH said about doing whatever it takes to become a "good" person again is really a helpful statement. It shows he WANTS to help you, even though he may not be showing emotional hugs right now. Get that household help, go to doctors qualified to help you the most.

janet r
AncestralPea

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Posted: 11/24/2012 11:13:44 AM
Thanks everyone. I am sorry that so many of us struggle with this. What I've decided to do about my husband is just keep all this to myself, put on a front and act ok (maybe that will help me really be ok) and get as much done around the house as I can. I am NEVER going to discuss my issues with him again. I just won't. I'm keeping up with my medications and going to therapy (Thank God for therapy) and trying to act normal around my husband. Whatever normal is.

lucyg819
pearl-clutching nitpicker

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Posted: 11/24/2012 11:21:15 AM
Janet, I hope things are better for you now. I also hope your DH spoke out of momentary frustration and that he doesn't always talk to you that way.

Please see about adjusting your meds. Sometimes it's as simple as that. And you know you can peamail me anytime, honey.


LUCYG
northern california

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."
--Bertrand Russell



CountryHam
PeaFixture

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Posted: 11/24/2012 12:25:15 PM
Guys.... remember the OP is in the throes of severe depression.
Her husband may not be the bad guy you are making him out to be,
such as calling him as ass. My sister gets severely despressed
and boy can she interpret comments and suggestions by her husband
in such a negative way it's unreal. I have seen it. But in her
deepest state of depression everything and everyone around here is
painted in a negative light. She takes the most encouraging things
directed at her and sees it as negative. It's her disease doing it.
I am not saying her husband is supportive, but I wouldn't be so quick
to demonize him either.

Luvnlifelady
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 11/24/2012 12:42:51 PM
I like your new idea. It won't be easy, but at least you don't have to worry about his scorn. I sort of do the same with things I'm having a hard time with. I put on my game face and just "fake it till I make it." Not always easy but sometimes it's easier than the alternative.



slowdown
PeaNut

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Posted: 11/24/2012 1:02:20 PM
I am sorry you are having a hard time right now I have a friend who has been dealing with depression for years. She recently found out that her vitamin D levels were really low. I have been reading a lot about vitamin D and how it affects our body and have found that many people suffer from low D levels and it can affect mood, depression, sleep etc. One article I found said to take it at night before bed and it will also help with sleep. It stated that you could take up to 10,000 mg of vitamin D3 to help bring your levels up. It has helped my friend tremendously and I thought I would ask if your doctor has checked your vitamin D levels to see if you are low also.




janet r
AncestralPea

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Posted: 11/24/2012 1:10:31 PM
I wasn't trying to demonize my husband or put him in a negative light. I just stated what he said. He isn't supportive about this and he never has been. That is just a fact. I'm not so severely depressed that I'm out of touch with reality.

I finally realize I can't count on him for support about this and I'm ok with it. I have a good therapist and that is enough. My husband IS a good person in pretty much every way, but this is just something he can't understand. And I'm good with it now. I'm over it.

OhSnapPea
BucketHead

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March 2005
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Posted: 11/24/2012 2:06:31 PM
Janet, I don't think it sounds like you were demonizing your dh. I think the previous poster meant that some other peas were doing that by saying things about him. Personally I think your dh is unsympathetic, which men tend to be about emotional issues. I'm glad you aren't beating yourself up about it.

I also wanted to thank you for being brave enough to post about this. I think I have been struggling with depression but have been in denial. I have a lot of the struggles that you mentioned. I just thought it was something else. Thanks to you, I will be looking into this so that I can fix it.

flanz
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 11/24/2012 2:32:35 PM
Janet, you are a good person with an illness.

I recently weaned off of 10 years taking 100 mg. Zoloft daily. AT first it was a miracle drug and I really really needed it for the first two or three years. About 6 years in I realized I wasn't feeling very well and hadn't for quite some time. Then it clicked that the change happened when my pharmacy started giving me the generic brand in place of the brand name drug. So m y doc wrote the prescription to include the words "no substitution" and I was back on the brand name. I felt much better, a noticeable improvement. (I did read online that some folks who took the generic even for a short time had trouble feeling well even when back on the brand name, but that wasn't true for me.)

This past spring I realized that the Zoloft seemed to be harming me more than helping. It felt like some of the initial symptoms it helped with (extreme fatigue and lethargy, very fuzzy, muddled thinking, difficulty focusing) were worse. My intuition told me to get off of the Zoloft.

Doc said it would take twelve weeks and should be straightforward. For me it was 6 months of very slow, gradual weaning, and I never would have made it to the seventh week without a godsend of a book, The Mood Cure by Julia Ross. I believe I read about it from a pea!!! You see, when I went from half dose down to a quarter dose at the five week point, I ended up having a 9 day migraine!!! Our kids are grown and out of the house, and I don't work outside the home, so I had the "luxury" of laying on the couch in agony day in and day out. I was desperate to continue weaning, to find some way to do that, so through the dizziness, nausea and extreme headache, I searched and searched online for answers.

The day the book arrived (2 day shipping, thank you Amazon Prime!) changed my life. I devoured the book and learned that for me, taking an amino acid called L-tyrosine every morning is ESSENTIAL to my well being. I immediately felt human again, and was able to complete the very gradual weaning off of the Zoloft. Had my last quarter dose at the end of August of this year. I did accidentally forget to take the L-tyrosine one morning when my routine changed and I was flat on my back on the couch for two days and it took me two more days to return to feeling decent.

Now I take the amino acid supplement first thing in the morning and to remind myself that I have in fact taken it, I set the timer on the microwave for 15 minutes, which is how long I must wait before eating. I sometimes joke with my husband that I would have made a very bad cavewoman, without a natural health food store and my amino acids at my disposal!

Best of luck to all of you struggling with depression, and if you are, I can't recommend The Mood Cure highly enough! (((HUGS))))

singlewitch
PeaFixture

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Posted: 11/24/2012 4:30:06 PM
I have type 2 bipolar depression and have had it for years. First, your husband does not appear to understand the illness. I would strongly advise therapy or counseling for you both, to help him understand and give you both tools with which to cope. You don't deserve those words, but he doesn't deserve to stay in the dark on what it is like to suffer from this illness. You need someone to help communicate the seriousness of the illness and your need for support.

Second. Set a goal for yourself each day It doesn't have to be a big goal, but a goal. For example, to straighten up one room, or half a room, or do one or two loads of laundry. Then get that goal accomplished. It may take you all day, but being able to look back and see you actually accomplished that goal is helpful and healing. There are days when all I have done is go through the piled up mail and sorted it. But being able to see a result helps me to get through the next task I set for myself. I've been through periods where I've done nothing but sleep. Believe me, setting a small goal each day and then following through will help.


Third, adopt an attitude of "wabi sabi" ---it is what it is. It took me a long time to realize my house would not be "perfect." I just do the best that I can, and have learned to live with that.

I also hate this time of year. I grew up with a mother that was all about the "have-to's". You have to shop for that, go here, eat there, see this person, entertain relatives, and create that "perfect" holiday. Instead, I tell my family there are no "have-to's". Some years I have decorated the house, others we were lucky just to get the tree up. Some years I did more elaborate dinners, most years I'm lucky to get it on the table. Now it's more of a team effort, with my husband pitching in on both preparation and clean up, because he understands how difficult it can be for me. So do the best you can.

This is not an easy illness and recovery is difficult and different for everyone. My heart goes out to you. Small steps and you will improve.




Rosie
Single Witch Designs

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Miss Lerins Momma
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 11/24/2012 4:42:49 PM
I've been struggling with depression for about the past 2 years. Haven't found any medicine (so far) that has helped and I've taked quite a lot of different medications and drug combo's. I've switched doctors, thinking that would help and it didn't. I'm at my wit's end with it. I just want to be myself again and I know DH does too.

I will say my house & my weight suffers the most from it. Some days DH gets really frustrated, and he's said some not-so-nice things, but then I remind him that I'm depressed and trying to do the best I can. He didn't like the fact that I slept in today and still needed a nap this afternoon, but when I'm depressed all I want to do is sleep. He was watching football, so I don't know how it even affected him but he turned the tv up pretty loud trying to wake me up, just to aggravate me I think.

I wish there was a cure, or at least something to help me. Some days are better than others. Every once in awhile I get the urge to actually get up and do something (or it gets so bad that I have too). And sometimes I make progress on the house, but after a few days it's back to where it was before. I'm sure that happens in a lot of people's houses with little kids, it just seems to happen a lot faster in mine.

I go back to the doctor next week and I'm going to beg him to switch me to a different medicine. The one he has me on now, causes me to want to do nothing but sleep. I get bad headaches and nausea from taking it too, it's no picnic. The side effects are so horrible. I even tried to take half a pill instead of a whole one but it's still the same.

I wish you well and I hope your husband changes his tune. When mine gets on my case, I email him a few links about depression and he backs off. He's never been depressed before so I don't think he gets it at all, but he tries.








Trolls *heart* me!!

CountryHam
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Posted: 11/24/2012 4:57:26 PM

Janet, I don't think it sounds like you were demonizing your dh. I think the previous poster meant that some other peas were doing that by saying things about him.


Yes the subsequent posters.

CountryHam
PeaFixture

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Posted: 11/24/2012 5:03:21 PM

Janet, I don't think it sounds like you were demonizing your dh. I think the previous poster meant that some other peas were doing that by saying things about him.


Yes the subsequent posters.



Thanks everyone. I am sorry that so many of us struggle with this. What I've decided to do about my husband is just keep all this to myself, put on a front and act ok (maybe that will help me really be ok) and get as much done around the house as I can. I am NEVER going to discuss my issues with him again. I just won't. I'm keeping up with my medications and going to therapy (Thank God for therapy) and trying to act normal around my husband. Whatever normal is.


That's not the answer either. That's the depression talking.
But when you are in the midst of it, it can be a difficult time to
sit down with someone and work through expectations. Right now
would lead to misunderstanding and frustration more then likely.

TexasScrap
PeaAddict

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Posted: 11/24/2012 6:15:05 PM
I want to add,I suffered from PPD for 9 months after both kids. Besides meds, exercise and setting small goals really helped me. I also think your husband has to be part of the solution...even if it is simply going with you to the doc so he can get his head around what the real cause is.

Unless you have experienced it, it is really difficult to understand, but as your DH, he has to be part of the solution IMHO.


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mamato1
PEA-vil Genius

PeaNut 54,808
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Posted: 11/24/2012 6:57:51 PM
First off, I'm sorry.

Second, if you're finding it this difficult to function on current medication and dose, it's time to change meds/dosages. Call your prescribing doctor Monday.

I take a fairly low dosage of zoloft. After taking it for several years, I had to up my dose. My breakthrough panic was getting to be too much. My doctor upped my prescription 25mg and I'm doing much better.

Third, you must stop the negative self talk. I know it's hard. I do it/have done it also, but you have to step it. Seriously. Every time you find yourself thinking something negative about yourself, you have to stop. It doesn't help yourself, your husband or your kids. It's easy to believe those things about yourself, but you have to stop. If you're not addressing this with a therapist, you should be. I've found my depression has become much more manageable since I've stopped being so damn mean to myself all the time. If I wouldn't say something to my husband or kids, I don't say it to myself. It takes a while and you have to work hard and shutting that process down, but I think it's really worth it.



~*Jamie*~
happily married to my very own Geek
Mom to the Divine Miss Em, sweet Cadiebug and baby Annie (6/09)

Ursula Schneider
PeaAddict

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Posted: 11/24/2012 7:31:51 PM
I've dealt with depression and it is hard on everyone. For my husband, when it first happened, he just didn't know what to do. He himself hadn't experienced it. He's a pretty up kind of guy. He rarely sees things in a negative light. That is partly his personality and partly a conscious choice he makes day by day and partly that he was raised to deny negative feelings.

Given all that, it was hard for him to accept. However, he's tried to support me when I'm struggling. I think because I have a somewhat intense past it is easier for him to make allowances for me than it would have been had I grown up in a happy home, etc. In his mind, that is a 'reason' for my struggles.

However, if that isn't the case for you, it may be hard for your hubby to understand why. You seem wise to understand what his limitations are and cut him some slack. Have you asked him to get educated about depression so that he can understand a bit more?

It sounds like you are doing what you can to get out of the depression and that is good. Have you ever found that a particular thing really helps a lot when you start to feel down? I've found that for me, if I force myself to think about blessings in my life and fill my mind with positive things, that can really help. I will stop taking in anything that results in my feeling down. For me that means no news, not a lot of movies (alot of movies depress me), no super dramatic books and definitely not sad music. Instead, I'll find entertainment that is lighthearted, friends who are lighthearted and music that is lighthearted and just focus for a while on those.

I do have to deal with whatever is bringing me down too, if there is a situation or emotion that is the cause, but sometimes I have to get a bit up before I can face that stuff. Anti-depressants help too.

I hope you find your way out of the blackness soon. (that's how I describe it, blackness.)



BananasNPajamas
BucketHead

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Posted: 11/24/2012 8:13:50 PM
Everyone said wonderful things already. I know exactly how you feel and what you're going through
I hope that you feel better soon.


--------------------------------------
"All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by frost."
J.R.R. Tolkien
-----------------*-*-*-*-------------------

klnor
PeaNut

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Posted: 11/25/2012 1:28:40 AM
Perhaps you need to adjust your medication? There are so many antidepressants out there and maybe a different one would help more?

I'm sorry your husband isn't being understanding of the situation.
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flanz
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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June 2005
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Posted: 11/25/2012 2:09:59 PM
I've been struggling with this this week... thanks for the reminder!

you must stop the negative self talk. I know it's hard. I do it/have done it also, but you have to step it. Seriously. Every time you find yourself thinking something negative about yourself, you have to stop. It doesn't help yourself, your husband or your kids. It's easy to believe those things about yourself, but you have to stop. If you're not addressing this with a therapist, you should be. I've found my depression has become much more manageable since I've stopped being so damn mean to myself all the time. If I wouldn't say something to my husband or kids, I don't say it to myself. It takes a while and you have to work hard and shutting that process down, but I think it's really worth it.



more excellent advice. thanks!

Have you ever found that a particular thing really helps a lot when you start to feel down? I've found that for me, if I force myself to think about blessings in my life and fill my mind with positive things, that can really help. I will stop taking in anything that results in my feeling down. For me that means no news, not a lot of movies (alot of movies depress me), no super dramatic books and definitely not sad music. Instead, I'll find entertainment that is lighthearted, friends who are lighthearted and music that is lighthearted and just focus for a while on those.

I do have to deal with whatever is bringing me down too, if there is a situation or emotion that is the cause, but sometimes I have to get a bit up before I can face that stuff. Anti-depressants help too.
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