Wwtpd? Holidays and infidelity **Update in OP**

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Posted 11/17/2012 by **tigermom12** in NSBR Board
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**tigermom12**
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 11/17/2012 9:48:17 PM
Dh and I just found out that a close family member is having an affair. We need to talk to his wife to tell her. Not telling her is not an option.

Do we tell her now which will spoil her holidays or wait until after? The reason we want to tell her now is so she can start getting prepared. Her H is planning on leaving her in February. He's moving money around and hiding it.

Btw....we have plenty of proof of his affair as well as his intentions.

Wwyd?

************************************************************************


You mention that the first indication was a SIL is "their" accountant.

She has breached confidentiality and crossed the line of professional ethics by discussing this with you. Then another relative is snooping around their business, they compare notes and get you and DH involved. You have no first hand knowledge- they brought it to you.

I think the accountant needs to bring the financial transactions to her knowledge since she is employed by both.
------------------------------------------------------------------------


This. Your SIL never should have said anything to you and your DH.

She is going to be up shit creek when the cheating husband realizes how this went down. Your SIL could lose her license.

While I think she needs to be told, I think you are risking a whole ream of unintended consequences for SIL if you proceed as you plan.

A better approach would be your SIL to ask the wife "for clarification" on asset transfers and other things she finds suspicious. Let the wife take it from there.



First I want to address this. I respectfully disagree with both of you. There is no license to be lost. She was basically just doing their taxes and then started noticing a lot of missing money. This SIL lives with them as well.

This is my mother in law that has been cheated on and the reason the information was brought to DH is because that is her son. This is a step dad that has been with my mother in law for almost 25 years.

SIL did bring it to the attention of our mil. MIL had questions and did confront her H. He blew it off and made something up. We found out last night that she has been suspicious for awhile but never really had proof.

DH and I got together with my other sil and cousin to tell her and show her the proof we had. It's bad....really bad. We all started trying to find more information. MIL was very grateful that we all got together to tell her. She's crushed but glad we were all there. Our family is very, very close and she wasn't upset with us at all.

My MIL will be 65 next month. This is just devastating to her. We are all going to have to stick together to help her through this. I am not sure she's strong enough to do it on her own. We have to make sure she is protected financially and get her share.

This is devastating for our whole family. He was very respected and truly the rock of our family.



Shannon
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voltagain
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Posted: 11/17/2012 9:50:41 PM
If he is hiding assets, like money, and likely has a lawyer; she needs to have known months ago. Yes, it will spoil her holiday. But finding out after is going to spoil the holidays in the future for her any way.

And she will be hit with less preparation time than he has had.


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AncestralPea

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Posted: 11/17/2012 9:51:55 PM
I'd say you need to tell her now if he's moving and hiding money. There might not be anything left if you wait until after the holidays.



msorange
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Posted: 11/17/2012 9:54:01 PM
Personally, I would find a way to tell her. What is one spoiled holiday compared to the rest of her life? She needs to take financial action now.

This is so sad. It makes me sick that people betray the ones they vowed to love.


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**tigermom12**
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 11/17/2012 10:07:48 PM
"This is so sad. It makes me sick that people betray the ones they vowed to love."


This has truly rocked us to the core. This is a person we would never had imagined doing this. When the rest of the family finds out, it will be devastating for them. DH and I have had a few days to process it all. This is breaking my heart for my family member.


Shannon
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Epeanymous
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Posted: 11/17/2012 10:14:19 PM
Yeah, you don't want her to look back on these holidays as "that time when my dh was screwing me every which way.". Tell her now.

smilesnpeacesigns
PeaFixture

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Posted: 11/17/2012 10:17:38 PM
I'm with the tell her now group too.


Even with the snark, trolls and spelling police you are a great group of ladies!

revirdsuba
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Posted: 11/17/2012 10:30:38 PM
This is a case of tell her now...... She needs to protect whatever $$ she can.. I suggest a lawyer Monday morning, with any proof she has.

Mom X 1
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Posted: 11/17/2012 10:46:50 PM
I'm in the tell her now group also. When you think about it February is really not that far away. It really ticks me off that he's being unfaithful AND trying to hide assets!!


"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic-on a level with a man who says he is a poached egg-or else he would be the devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him...or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He did not leave that option open to us. He did not intend to."

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cmpeter
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Posted: 11/17/2012 11:05:36 PM
I would tell her now.


Cindi

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Posted: 11/17/2012 11:28:14 PM
She needs to know ASAP so she can start actively protecting herself.


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Really Red
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Posted: 11/18/2012 5:38:21 AM
OMG. Her husband is not only having an affair, but he's moving money?! Tell her this exact second. Right this minute!! She needs to see a lawyer yesterday and let him/her know what is going on.

Please don't wait one minute.


Andrea

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pjaye
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Posted: 11/18/2012 5:49:20 AM
I am usually in the 'stay out of it" camp, but it sounds like your mind is made up, in which case I don't understand why you would wait.
If you are going to tell her, then just get it over and done with.

Just don't be surprised if there is an element of 'shooting the messenger' her not being as grateful as you might think at first.

Cariad12000
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Posted: 11/18/2012 6:43:34 AM
She needs to know ASAP so she can protect what money and assets are left. Leaving it is only going to put her in a worse position.


CARIAD

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pelirroja
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Posted: 11/18/2012 6:50:18 AM
Tell her ASAP so she can get legal counsel immediately. She's going to need it if he's behaving so badly before it's an official split. Moving money around is a big no-no and the divorce court will take that into consideration. She needs to know since February isn't that far away. Be prepared to back up your claim: she might doubt you and might even shoot the messenger.

Sorry you've been put into the middle of this. It sucks.


Pelly





**tigermom12**
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 11/18/2012 7:08:52 AM
"Just don't be surprised if there is an element of 'shooting the messenger' her not being as grateful as you might think at first."

Dh and I are fully prepared for this but truly don't think this will happen. But if it does that's ok too. She needs to get busy protecting herself. We are going to her house today to tell her. This is truly making me ill.

I tried searching for the list of things to do but couldn't find it. Does anybody remember? I know she needs to get copies of everything. We are still trying to figure out this other bank account.


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chktrk
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Posted: 11/18/2012 7:11:06 AM
If you are treading into these waters, tell her now. There is no good time for this type news but I believe sooner is better than later.





petesmom
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Posted: 11/18/2012 7:17:51 AM
Tell her now.

Lizaanne
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Posted: 11/18/2012 7:22:21 AM
My father left my mom on the day he thought it was my 18th birthday, he had the right day just a month early. He had drained a large amount on money a few months before. So when he left, mom called the bank and the savings had been drained to just a few hundred dollars. He took somewhere in the $100,000 range. He had a great lawyer and my mom's wasn't that good. When it was said and done, my mom got our house and $25,000. He also was ordered to pay $1.00 a month alimony. He got all the rest of the money and the other house my parents owned but where my dad's girlfriend and my later stepmother lived. My mom thought an old man and women lived there.

She needs to be told NOW, she needs to have time to get what money she can NOW! I would hate for anyone to get as screwed as badly as my mom did.


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Pretty In PeaNK

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Posted: 11/18/2012 7:29:49 AM

I tried searching for the list of things to do but couldn't find it. Does anybody remember? I know she needs to get copies of everything. We are still trying to figure out this other bank account.
Let her handle that part of this. Don't try to figure anything out for her unless she asks. Just tell her you love her, tell her you have proof if she'd like I see it, and the only advice I'd give is get a lawyer. If she asks you what to do, then tell her get copies of everything, etc.

How did you and your DH find this out? Especially the bank account part?

**tigermom12**
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 11/18/2012 7:37:35 AM
"How did you and your DH find this out? Especially the bank account part?"

My sil is their accountant and she noticed some suspicious things going on with their money. Then Dh's cousin works with the H and also noticed some strange things going on. They both started looking for evidence. When they got it all together they called my dh.


Shannon
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UkSue
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Posted: 11/18/2012 7:37:43 AM
Tell her immediately and if you have concrete proof he is hiding asstes,then make sure she has it. Unfortunately I doubt that you have concrete proof that she can use in court- I think she is going to be screwed financially in any case at this stage. I hope there are no children involved as this sounds like it will get very bloody.


It's not the passage of time that heals. It's what you do with that time.

**tigermom12**
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 11/18/2012 7:40:29 AM
That's what I'm afraid of Sue. She had a very comfortable lifestyle and now I really don't know what she's going to do.


Shannon
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littlefish
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Posted: 11/18/2012 7:42:35 AM
Now. For all the reasons posted above, plus, if she finds out that you knew before the holidays and waited to tell her, she may feel betrayed by you as well.


Julie

styxgirl
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Posted: 11/18/2012 7:56:28 AM
You need to tell her now. That way she has one less holiday gift to buy!

What a jerk. I feel so bad for anyone that is being betrayed like that.
It's a bad spot for you to be in. Hopefully she won't be too upseat with you for being the bearer of the bad news. I bet she will demand some sort of proof.

Hugs for you Lizaanne, that situation must have been horrible for your Mom and you too!


Nicole

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Posted: 11/18/2012 8:00:44 AM
Yep, now.



Lizaanne
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Posted: 11/18/2012 8:01:43 AM
Thanks Nicole, it was a very hard time in our lives. I got married to my husband less than a year later but we helped my mom whenever we could. My DH would do all the maintenance on her house and I would take her to run errands as she did not have a driver's license. She was well loved by all of us until the date of her death. My father continued to lie just for the hell of it until the day he died.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Words to Live By

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2. If you must say something stupid, make sure no one's around to hear it.

3. If someone is around to hear it, make sure that he or she does not speak the same language as you.

**tigermom12**
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 11/18/2012 10:52:51 AM
Thank you for the input. Dh and I think we are doing the right thing. This is just going to crush her.

Lizaanne....I am so sorry you had to go through that.


Shannon
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KikiNichole

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Posted: 11/18/2012 10:53:37 AM
Are there children involved?


~Kristen~

**tigermom12**
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 11/18/2012 11:39:51 AM
No, no children involved.


Shannon
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freecharlie
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Posted: 11/18/2012 11:45:23 AM
I only ready the OP. Tell her now!!! He is hiding money and going to screw her. Will this holiday season suck? Yep, but it is better than years and years of trying to recoup what she has losst.

Plus she will know you knew and didn't tell her. She may feel betrayed by that. And any memories made this holiday season if she didn't know before will be just as tainted as she will know what was really going on.

Tell her ASAP


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Posted: 11/18/2012 11:47:08 AM
I would tell her today.


3kidmama
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Posted: 11/18/2012 12:17:10 PM
Money and emotions aside - why risk his having more months to maybe giving her a LIFE-THREATENING disease?

Infidelity can potentially kill an unsuspecting spouse!

(((((((OP))))))) You are doing the right thing today!

Pretty In PeaNK

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Posted: 11/18/2012 12:48:30 PM
I wanted to add that it may be a good idea if jut you or your DH tell her, not both of you. If it's his relative, let him tell her, unless you two are closer. That way if she kills the messenger, it's only one of you and she'll feel less cornered with horrible news. Maybe leave for an errand when she comes over.

WannaPea
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Posted: 11/18/2012 1:21:10 PM
Her holiday is already spoiled. Let her know immediately.


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AncestralPea

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Posted: 11/18/2012 1:31:45 PM
You mention that the first indication was a SIL is "their" accountant.

She has breached confidentiality and crossed the line of professional ethics by discussing this with you. Then another relative is snooping around their business, they compare notes and get you and DH involved. You have no first hand knowledge- they brought it to you.

I think the accountant needs to bring the financial transactions to her knowledge since she is employed by both.


MetalDancer
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 11/18/2012 1:39:38 PM
Yes please tell her! My XH was screwing around with one of MY co-workers right under my nose and I didn't have a clue. Fortunately with us, there was no money to move or hide. She needs to know so she can protect herself.


Lisa =^..^=

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**cindyupnorth**
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Posted: 11/18/2012 2:00:47 PM
It sort of sounds like it's a family owned business..and that it's either a brother or BIL doing the screwing around..
I don't think it's crossed professional boundries. Heck..leave it to the Ps to nitpick the details. I mean..if the guy is that dumb to have his SIL do his accounts..that show he's cheating..?






mdoc
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Posted: 11/18/2012 2:18:42 PM
Now. In a situation where he's moving money and making plans, she needs to know immediately.

PennyPaws
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 11/18/2012 9:30:39 PM
I understand the reason why you'd want to wait, but I personally hate the feeling of finding out bad news AND finding out people knew for a while before telling me... I felt fooled about the bad news, but I felt a fool about not knowing when everyone else did - tell her early and don't let her feel like you guys may have secrets from her too... There's never a good time - you're in a tough spot... There's a lot of time between now and Christmas though... Time for him to do more hurt to her, and time for her to find out in a worse way than from friends... Let her know that you'll all be around her at Christmas and that she won't be alone on the holidays... So sad...



cycworker
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Posted: 11/18/2012 11:49:32 PM
Tell her now. I just hope she believes you, for her sake.


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Sukkii
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Posted: 11/18/2012 11:56:19 PM
Tell her now. My XBIL was having an affair. He told me and said he was moving out. My sister was at their holiday home with 4 kids. I told her when she came home, she was stunned and blamed me for it all but by telling her quickly I stopped him clearing out the bank account.

She did blame me but I took her and her 4 kids into my home, and I still think she blames me for being there when he finally left. 30 years later she is with another man but is still smarting over being left by a sleazy guy she didn't even love.

busypea
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Posted: 11/18/2012 11:57:42 PM

You mention that the first indication was a SIL is "their" accountant.

She has breached confidentiality and crossed the line of professional ethics by discussing this with you. Then another relative is snooping around their business, they compare notes and get you and DH involved. You have no first hand knowledge- they brought it to you.

I think the accountant needs to bring the financial transactions to her knowledge since she is employed by both.

This. Your SIL never should have said anything to you and your DH.

She is going to be up shit creek when the cheating husband realizes how this went down. Your SIL could lose her license.

While I think she needs to be told, I think you are risking a whole ream of unintended consequences for SIL if you proceed as you plan.

A better approach would be your SIL to ask the wife "for clarification" on asset transfers and other things she finds suspicious. Let the wife take it from there.

renee_elp
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Posted: 11/19/2012 12:17:34 AM
Do it now.

That's how I had one sucky Christmas, but I can tell you from experiene, she won't hold it against you after a few years. She'll just remember that she had a bad holiday season a while ago.

She has to act now.

Although I do like the approach just mentioned of having the SIL ask the wife for "clarification". Can SIL go with you and start the conversation? And you be there as backup for when the conversation goes sideways?

Periwrinkle
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Posted: 11/19/2012 12:28:56 AM
I'd quote busypea if I wasn't on my phone. Really important stuff.




enjoytotheend
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Posted: 11/19/2012 12:42:08 AM
That is an awful situation. I am so sorry. Definitely tell her sooner than later. If he has more time to move the money it sounds like he will!

enjoytotheend
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Posted: 11/19/2012 12:42:11 AM
That is an awful situation. I am so sorry. Definitely tell her sooner than later. If he has more time to move the money it sounds like he will!

Ms. Liz
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Posted: 11/19/2012 6:02:05 AM

You mention that the first indication was a SIL is "their" accountant.

She has breached confidentiality and crossed the line of professional ethics by discussing this with you. Then another relative is snooping around their business, they compare notes and get you and DH involved. You have no first hand knowledge- they brought it to you.



Agreed. SIL could lose her license!

A better approach would be your SIL to ask the wife "for clarification" on asset transfers and other things she finds suspicious. Let the wife take it from there.


This.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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**tigermom12**
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 11/19/2012 9:36:39 AM
btt for update

jjpswife
AncestralPea

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Posted: 11/19/2012 9:41:06 AM

This is devastating for our whole family. He was very respected and truly the rock of our family.


Awww, this part makes it ever more sad. I am really sorry your family is going through this. I'm glad your MIL has such wonderful and caring people in her life to stand beside her and support her through what is surely to be a very difficult time.

I'm glad you updated. You were on my mind and will continue to be. Hang in there.


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