Fundraising to adopt?

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Posted 12/3/2012 by Spiffie in NSBR Board
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Spiffie
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Posted: 12/3/2012 8:08:55 PM
I'm sorry if this has been discussed before, but how do you feel about this type of fundraising?

I have some friends who have 3 biological boys and have decided to adopt a girl from China. I think it's great! They are great people, kids are well behaved and I have no doubt about their ability to raise another child. But, they post ALL THE TIME on Facebook about "donating", "raffling", "fundraising" for the fees that they will incur.

I guess I'm just not sure how I feel about asking people to help pay for the adoption. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm not mad or pea livid or anything like that at all. Just genuinely trying to decide how I feel about it. Is it any different than people fundraising to pay say a hospital bill for the birth of a child?

Again, just looking for some different perspectives! Thanks!





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Posted: 12/3/2012 8:17:43 PM
I hide people who make frequent fundraising requests on Facebook. (Including breast cancer awareness, donors choose, homeless walk, etc.) Once in a while, I don't mind, but every day is far too often.

I would put this person on hide, for sure.

cmpeter
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Posted: 12/3/2012 8:17:52 PM
I personally wouldn't donate to something like that.


Cindi

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Posted: 12/3/2012 8:19:37 PM
I think some fundraiser is fine as long as it is done tastefully but I don't care for pleas on facebook!


Nicole

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Posted: 12/3/2012 8:19:39 PM
They have the right to do it. I have the right to donate or not, based on how I feel about the situation, using criteria of my choosing.

papersilly
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Posted: 12/3/2012 8:23:16 PM
i don't understand this either and seeing those kinds of pleas make me uncomfortable. it makes me wonder how they can afford the child if they couldn't even afford to get the child. i know adoption is expensive but if you can't even save for that, how will you pay for the next 18 years worth of expenses?



shescrafty2
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Posted: 12/3/2012 8:24:00 PM
We adopted internationally twice and raised the money ourselves. That said, I do not begrudge anybody else who does fundraising for an adoption. Folks can either participate or not.

I have a friend who fundraises ALL YEAR LONG for her Avon walk. The month before the walk I hide her because it is a constant plea for money to be donated. To me it is the same thing.


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child of grace
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Posted: 12/3/2012 8:29:08 PM
Without fund raising, how DO you raise the money?

ilovebuble
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Posted: 12/3/2012 8:29:19 PM
Hitting your friends up for money over the internet annoys me, no matter the cause.

shescrafty2
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Posted: 12/3/2012 8:30:22 PM

i don't understand this either and seeing those kinds of pleas make me uncomfortable. it makes me wonder how they can afford the child if they couldn't even afford to get the child. i know adoption is expensive but if you can't even save for that, how will you pay for the next 18 years worth of expenses?


I know none of my friends would have been able to fork over $25,000 to $30,000 in order to become parents because they told me so, LOL. But they all support their children with no problem.


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shescrafty2
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Posted: 12/3/2012 8:33:33 PM

Without fund raising, how DO you raise the money?


You save like crazy! Honestly no eating out, basic cable, etc. I worked an extra job on the weekends to pay for Christmas for my family.


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cmpeter
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Posted: 12/3/2012 8:37:45 PM

Without fund raising, how DO you raise the money?


The same way you raise the money for things like a down payment on a house, retirement savings, college savings.


Cindi

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Posted: 12/3/2012 8:38:01 PM
you save up.

busypea
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Posted: 12/3/2012 8:41:14 PM
While I'm usually kind of uptight about things like this, the adoption fundraising thing does not bother me.

I guess I feel like supporting people I believe to be good parents expand or start their family is a worthy thing. Many people find the huge lump sums that are required for adoption to be difficult to save but have no problem with the normal expenses of life. I know when my cousin adopted their daughter from Russia, it was almost $50,000 when all was said and done (including travel). Lacking that kind of lump sum doesn't mean a family is destitute and couldn't afford to raise a child. My cousin and her DH were able to afford it without asking for help, but they recognize that not everyone can. After listening to them talk about what they saw in Russia and how badly those children need families (and of course elsewhere - that's just the only place they had firsthand experience), I followed their lead and decided to change my tune on adoption fundraising.

I'm glad I did and that I've been even a tiny part of bringing a few families together. At the end of the day, it's helping a child who needs a home get one and a couple who wants a child to have one. To me, it's win-win and I'm happy to contribute.

writermom1
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Posted: 12/3/2012 8:42:12 PM
Doesn't bother me. If people feel moved to give they can and if they don't - they can pass.



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Regina Phalange
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Posted: 12/3/2012 8:42:54 PM
I find it amazing how adoptive parents are put through such a financial ringer just to have the chance to be a parent.

Why don't I see people castigating pregnant women drilling them about whether or not THEY can afford to raise a child??


**Julie**






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busypea
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Posted: 12/3/2012 8:44:42 PM

Why don't I see people castigating pregnant women drilling them about whether or not THEY can afford to raise a child??

You've been at Two Peas for four years and have never seen that? It definitely happens.

Spiffie
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Posted: 12/3/2012 9:11:56 PM
Thank you for the replies.


I find it amazing how adoptive parents are put through such a financial ringer just to have the chance to be a parent.

Why don't I see people castigating pregnant women drilling them about whether or not THEY can afford to raise a child??


To be clear, I am not questioning whether they can or can't afford to raise another child. I am just curious about their methods of raising the money. Of course, anyone who wishes to donate can do so! I never said they shouldn't/couldn't.

Sorry if I ruffled any feathers! Again, I am just trying to gain other perspectives - and I have seen some good things!





AnneMD
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Posted: 12/3/2012 9:20:26 PM
Well, I guess if you don't want to donate, then don't. I personally would not be offended or upset about a fundraiser - but what I can't stand is the constant repeated pleas for donations after the original request has been made. But if this is someone I am close to - and I have the means - then yes, I would donate to help them out. Just like I'll buy cookie dough from the kid next door when he is doing his school fund raiser if I want to help him.

As for if the parents can afford a baby if they need a fundraiser to adopt - that seems silly to me. Adoption is very expensive. There is no insurance to cover adoption. Often, adoption comes on the heels of a long and expensive struggle with infertility that also may not be covered by insurance (our insurance did not cover infertility).

I took part in a cookbook fundraiser - gathered recipes from all of my family and friends and had a cookbook published. Then I sold the cookbook to whoever wanted to buy one. (Now, I will say, that I didn't make repeated attempts to sell the cookbook - just one announcement!) The sales helped with our adoption fees. I also worked 7 days a week during our adoption "Paper Chase." We used our VISA to cover plane tickets. We downsized to a smaller home. We quit eating out. I missed my best friends wedding because I couldn't afford to fly home to be there. That was hard...and I could go on and on. We made it happen.

I guess I don't understand why some people (not you, OP - just people in general) get so upset about this issue.



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Posted: 12/3/2012 9:25:54 PM

Without fund raising, how DO you raise the money?


You save up. One of my friends at work--M. she's an attorney. Her husband is an attorney. They've been saving to adopt a child from India. She's Indian born in the U.S. and he's Anglo. She explained to me that India is very restrictive about foreign adoptions. So, they are saving, saving their money for a private adoption in India. They sold their second car, moved to a smaller apartment, cut cable. They don't eat out, she brings her lunch EVERY DAY. She told me they are almost reaching their goal.

She's had rounds of IVF but they either don't result in pregnancy or she has miscarried. They have paid for all those IVF treatments out of pocket.

So, it can be done.

Regina Phalange
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Posted: 12/3/2012 9:26:00 PM
Yes, Spiffie, I know you weren't. I was responding to the "if they can't afford to pay for an adoption how are they going to afford to raise a child" comment.

I don't see a problem with people using different methods to try and raise money for adoption. Like others have said, if you don't like it, then don't donate.

I guarantee you if it cost you (general you) that much to have a biological child, our population would slow down exponentially....


**Julie**






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Posted: 12/3/2012 9:37:12 PM
I'm generally supportive of it, although maybe not in the case you've shared.


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Posted: 12/3/2012 10:19:36 PM
I see adoption - well, maybe int'l adoption more so - as literally "
rescuing an orphan. Most of the kids adopted are not sitting in a castle playing with Legos and eating chocolates. Most are in an orphanage, every grade from deplorable to tolerable, but still without a family. I would donate to an adoption just as surely as I would donate to other forms of orphan care. I truly wish the fees were less so that more people could adopt - most of these kids, here in the US or around the world, just need a family. Many many families would gladly add them to their family, but for the $20-30,000 in fees. Crazy. I actually have an account where I put extra money just for this purpose.

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Posted: 12/3/2012 10:21:16 PM
I have a very hard time with this kind if "fundraising"!!! It is something they personally want to do then they need to lay for it. I know a few people who are or recently have done this for various PERSONAL desires, touching I am sure, but I do feel it is not up for others to pay for. And, as a friend or associate I hate that pressure to participate or looking bad to not participate. Fund your own personal desires.... Just like I do - we save, cut spending, make changes, plan years out, etc.


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andi from sandy
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Posted: 12/3/2012 11:18:54 PM
Seriously?? I am in China right now, finalizing the adoption of my daughter. I would have loved help with the fees, but I did it on my own. I sold stuff, pawned stuff, borrowed, and sacrificed. I would never fault anyone for fundraising. It is expensive, and the fees come in waves of big sums, and so many of these kids need homes. Most of the people I know that do fund raise are doing so to adopt a special needs child and really can't afford to come up with the fees in a timely manner., yet can afford to support the child. As for me, I make enough money to support me and her, as if that is anyone's business, but to automatically come up with the $25,000 to come get her at the drop of a hat, to just save it up would have taken a very long time. I am lucky that I had the stuff to sell and pawn. I will be paying the loan off for some time, selling my house to get a smaller one, and driving an older car for a long time. And that is OKAY!! I am not even going to go into the amount of money lost on fertility treatments or the 3 failed adoptions I had while waiting for her.


Andrea

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Posted: 12/3/2012 11:38:48 PM
I can totally support anyone doing fund raising for adoption . Anything to make the process go faster. It does not bother me at all.
If I feel that I can give I would.
It would take a long time for a couple to raise that kind of money up front for some people. There are windows in age to adopt. So you don't have 5- 10 years to just save save save like for a house. Some people have a short amount of time to gather up the fees before they age out.
The hoops adoptive parents have to jump through to become parents is really long ,invasive, and expensive . It is sad really that there are so many that want to adopt and children waiting for families.Cost is a biggest hurdle a lot of times.people raise money for all kinds of things. I'd rather give to this cause then support a baseball team to get new uniforms or something frivolous.

beachgurl
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Posted: 12/3/2012 11:59:31 PM

I see adoption - well, maybe int'l adoption more so - as literally "
rescuing an orphan. Most of the kids adopted are not sitting in a castle playing with Legos and eating chocolates. Most are in an orphanage, every grade from deplorable to tolerable, but still without a family. I would donate to an adoption just as surely as I would donate to other forms of orphan care. I truly wish the fees were less so that more people could adopt - most of these kids, here in the US or around the world, just need a family. Many many families would gladly add them to their family, but for the $20-30,000 in fees. Crazy. I actually have an account where I put extra money just for this purpose.


I know a couple who are fundraising right now to adopt their second special needs child from an east european country. She was waiting to be adopted when my dgd was, only she is STILL waiting. My heart breaks for her and I am thrilled almost beyond words that this family is willing to add her. I don't really understand why someone would think that it would be better for her to sit there in that orphanage with mimimal care, than it would be for a family to take her in. It's not like they are fundraising for a new car for themselves. They are fundraising for the opportunity to help this girl.




~*~Jen~*~
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Posted: 12/4/2012 3:31:21 AM
I think if you want to adopt a baby, you save the $$$. If you so desperately want to parent a child, there are thousands upon thousands of children in foster care in this country.


---Jen---

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Posted: 12/4/2012 3:57:30 AM
I dont care for any type of money "begging" via snail mail, email or FB no matter the cause.
If I want to donate to something, I will.


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Posted: 12/4/2012 6:04:12 AM
On Facebook only? I would either hide them or just scroll. I have a friend who is contstantly pushing 31 Gifts but she doesn't leave it on fb, she also does it in person. Ugh.


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Posted: 12/4/2012 6:57:50 AM
I have no problem with adoption fundraising. I've known several who have.

I think it's a dangerous slope when only the "wealthy" can adopt. adoption agencies don't care if you're wealthy, only that you can support and love the children. love has nothing to do with money.

Adopting from foster care isn't an option for everyone it's damn hard!!
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writermom1
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Posted: 12/4/2012 7:12:25 AM

I think it is tacky and would wonder what their adoption agency would have to say about it. I mean, if they are not financially able to adopt, wouldn't that have some bearing on them?


More than one response implied that they should save and be able to afford to adopt as a measure of financial fitness?

Using this analogy should only those who can afford to pay for a birth outright with no assistance via health insurance be considered financially fit to parent? I realize it may be apples and oranges but since there is no health coverage for adoption that I'm aware of, it's closer than we might think. Both bio birth and adoption have a procedural cost. If I was close enough to someone to be showering them at the time of a birth then I would feel equally generous at the time of adoption.




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short1cake
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Posted: 12/4/2012 7:19:39 AM
For those that think it's tacky, do you make posts about your child selling cookies or popcorn? For a child that needs a home, this is about the possibility of them having a normal, loving family instead of living in an orphanage. I think that child's future is much more important than your child's Girl Scout adventures or T-ball game.

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Posted: 12/4/2012 7:19:47 AM
I would not donate to the fundraiser in the OP because they have three children already. If it was someone who had been TTC for years and gave up, I might, but not in this case.

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Posted: 12/4/2012 8:01:41 AM

The orphanages there are so full that they have an age limit of 5 years old. Once a child turns 5, he or she is turned out to live on his or her own.
are you curse word kidding me???!!! wow.

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Posted: 12/4/2012 8:04:00 AM
I don't have any issue with it.

If you don't wish to donate, do not do so.

If the FB posts bother you, hide them.

I can't find it in my heart to begrudge anyone who is trying to find a way to help better the life of a child.

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Posted: 12/4/2012 8:12:44 AM

I can totally support anyone doing fund raising for adoption . Anything to make the process go faster. It does not bother me at all.
If I feel that I can give I would.
It would take a long time for a couple to raise that kind of money up front for some people. There are windows in age to adopt. So you don't have 5- 10 years to just save save save like for a house. Some people have a short amount of time to gather up the fees before they age out.
The hoops adoptive parents have to jump through to become parents is really long ,invasive, and expensive . It is sad really that there are so many that want to adopt and children waiting for families.Cost is a biggest hurdle a lot of times.people raise money for all kinds of things. I'd rather give to this cause then support a baseball team to get new uniforms or something frivolous.

I agree. Not to mention that there have probably been thousands of dollars dropped into unsuccessful fertility treatments (obviously not in the case of the OP).


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Posted: 12/4/2012 8:28:53 AM

Doesn't bother me. If people feel moved to give they can and if they don't - they can pass.

ITA.

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Posted: 12/4/2012 8:55:58 AM

I would not donate to the fundraiser in the OP because they have three children already. If it was someone who had been TTC for years and gave up, I might, but not in this case.


As another poster stated, many of these families aren't adopting because they want more kids of their own. They are adopting because they are called to rescue an orphan. So given that scenario, I don't think it matters how many kids they already have at home. I am in awe at the people that welcome these orphans into their homes. It certainly not without sacrafice and commitment. I don't have the strength or courage do to this personally but I am honored to be able to contribute financially to the building of a new family and to give an orphan a chance at a better life.

Right now we are waiting for our two "new" nieces to come home from Ethiopia where they will join their family of four other siblings.



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Posted: 12/4/2012 8:56:23 AM
I don't have a problem with it.



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Posted: 12/4/2012 9:03:55 AM
I agree with all of the others regarding the "rescue" perspective.

If you saw a child abandoned on the side of the road, would you want them to be cared for? That's what these families are doing, except that they first have to pay thousands and thousands of dollars in order to give the child a home.

It's not the money that should be the first consideration, IMO, it's the needs of the orphaned child that matter most. It breaks my heart how many kids are orphaned, especially in places like China, where they are often abandoned by their own parents because they had the misfortune of being born female, or born sick.

I'd donate as much as I could, and be happy to do so.


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eebud
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Posted: 12/4/2012 9:37:24 AM
I don't have a problem with it as long as they are not hounding people for money continuously. I feel this way about any fundraising.

Also, I hope that everyone considering adoption is also looking into the tax incentives that help cover some of the costs........probably all of the costs if it is a Foster Care adoption (I don't know that for a fact only that people I know who have looked into it said it was not very expensive). Also, some employers have adoption expenses help.





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Posted: 12/4/2012 9:42:21 AM
I don't have a problem with it. Unless they are constantly promoting their fundraiser. Then it just becomes annoying. (Same way I feel about people selling 31 bags or Avon or whatever-no need for the constant sales pitch).

But yeah, I don't think anything bad about people having a fundraiser to raise funds for adoption. The fees are astronomical, and I am always amazed by people who save on their own.



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Posted: 12/4/2012 2:09:45 PM
I don't like when anyone asks me for money for something they want, unless they gave birth to me or I gave birth to them. So fundraising bugs me, from the kid selling cookie dough to the Komen for Cure 3 Day. My kids did not do fundraisers; I wrote a check for whatever was required and sent the materials back to the school.

I have a relative who went to Ethiopia to adopt twice; spent a fortune. At the same time was a show on TV about African American children being adopted by Canadian families because there aren't adoptive families for them here in the US.

It reminds me of the episodes of Sister Wives, which I am drawn to like a train wreck. Cody has umteen children he can't support; Mari has one, but somehow they have the resources for Mari to undergo invitro.
How does one man afford 4 houses, one who wants a hot tub wet bar and pool, and 15 + kids? I guess they are paid well by TLC.






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Posted: 12/4/2012 4:51:36 PM
We started a non profit adoption fund to help with our adoption in 2000. We ended up never adopting, and the main reason was the cost. We could afford to raise another child, but we were not willing to go $30K in debt at one time to adopt a child. (well, I would've, but my dh wouldn't)

I started the fund thinking that I would do a few fundraisers, but honestly, I just felt really uncomfortable with that. That being said, I would (and have) donated to other people's fundraisers to adopt. I think they need all the help they can get. Every little bit helps so much.



SabrinaM
Proud Member of THE MOB

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Posted: 12/4/2012 5:00:01 PM

I find it amazing how adoptive parents are put through such a financial ringer just to have the chance to be a parent.

Why don't I see people castigating pregnant women drilling them about whether or not THEY can afford to raise a child??
... and sometimes handing them an EBT card to pay for food for said child.


***********
Sabrina

Recession: When your neighbor loses his job
Depression: When you lose yours
Recovery: When Obama loses his







jodster70
To the right, To the right

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Posted: 12/4/2012 5:16:01 PM

I agree with all of the others regarding the "rescue" perspective.

If you saw a child abandoned on the side of the road, would you want them to be cared for? That's what these families are doing, except that they first have to pay thousands and thousands of dollars in order to give the child a home.

It's not the money that should be the first consideration, IMO, it's the needs of the orphaned child that matter most. It breaks my heart how many kids are orphaned, especially in places like China, where they are often abandoned by their own parents because they had the misfortune of being born female, or born sick.

I'd donate as much as I could, and be happy to do so.




ITA.

Steven Curtis Chapman (a Christian musician) adopted 3 girls from China, and started a foundation to help people adopt both here and abroad. It's called Show Hope: A Movement to Care for Orphans.


**Jody**

"The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government -- lest it come to dominate our lives and interests."
Patrick Henry

andi from sandy
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Posted: 12/5/2012 3:05:56 AM
FWIW, I resent the idea that I "rescued" my child. I wanted a child, it didn't matter how or why, God didn't tell me to "rescue" her. I know that if her situation was different, and I didn't adopt her, she would grow up and have a life, but through time and circumstance, we were meant to be a family. Each day I have spent with her the past 10 days, I am reminded of this. Now, I need to go rescue my bra from her little hands.


Andrea

gar
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Posted: 12/5/2012 3:19:16 AM
If I'm honest I can't quite put my finger on why it makes me uncomfortable but it does.

Logically, I see that it's hugely beneficial to the child, not a whim that the parents are indulging for themselves but....there's a 'but' and I can't quite identify it.



Today, I will be colouring outside the lines.


Shih Tzu Mommy
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Posted: 12/5/2012 7:06:11 AM

The orphanages there are so full that they have an age limit of 5 years old. Once a child turns 5, he or she is turned out to live on his or her own.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

are you curse word kidding me???!!! wow.
Sounds like a sex trafficker/pedophile dream come true. I really and truly hope this is not true!!



Dog people are a special breed!
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