Need pea thoughts on my sons engagement-long-*update 5/23/13****

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Posted 12/10/2012 by none2pleased in NSBR Board
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none2pleased
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Posted: 12/10/2012 6:59:33 AM
*******************update**********

**5/23/13**

Well just like I had a feeling it would, she has broke his heart. Two day ago she broke up with him. I don't know the details because he has not wanted to talk about it yet. I just had this feeling back in December that this is the way it would end. I am soooo pissed and I want to say something but obviously I can't. Not to him or her. Just being a mother that hurts when her kids hurt. Blahhh. Happy Summer!



So my question(s), how would you feel? I know that I can't say anything because ultimately it is none of my business,


Quoted myself so that I can repeat AGAIN that I am not saying anything to anyone but YOU the peas. I asked how you would feel not wether or not you thought I needed to mind my own business or if I was that mother in law. Like I said in a earlier post, I wish I had not said anything on here. I just needed a different perspective, but not necessarily a lesson in peadom.

Original post


My youngest son became engaged this weekend. He proposed to his girlfriend this weekend on Saturday night. She said yes. Her mother has basically had a small cow! According to what I have been told by son, she(the mother) does not trust men in general because of some issues in her past where she was cheated on etc. Apparently she thinks that every man is that way, and has in a round about way implied that my son will be the same way.

Ok. So whatever she has issues. That should not effect the kids relationship. But......the gf still has not shown the ring to her mother! She keeps telling my son she is waiting for the "right time". My feeling are hurt for my son and I admit I am a little bit pissed off. He spent a lot of time and money on this damn ring and I feel like she should be sporting it!

My husband keeps saying we don't need to worry about it because it will work out, but I know that if this does not work out, that we will be the ones dealing with the aftermath because he will be devastated. I think she needs to "man up" and show the ring.

So my question(s), how would you feel? I know that I can't say anything because ultimately it is none of my business, but I do not understand loving someone enough to say yes to a marriage propossal but not enough to stand up to an overbearing mother!

Hell, I did it! My parents both told me no way in hell I would marry dh. Yep, next day, justice of the peace, married.

So, tell me, am I reading too much into this? Or am I spot on that she should "man up"?

Btw, I love this girl. I have been super excited since I found out his plans, so this is not a "she's not good enough for my snowflake" post.





*maureen*
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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:06:08 AM

She keeps telling my son she is waiting for the "right time". My feeling are hurt for my son and I admit I am a little bit pissed off. He spent a lot of time and money on this damn ring and I feel like she should be sporting it!


Do yourself, your son, and his future wife a favor and keep your mouth shut. You don't know anything about the relationship between this woman and her mother. You need to trust her judgement and respect her choices as relates to her family. Pushing the issue will cause more problems than necessary.


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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:07:07 AM
I'm sorry for your son and his fiancee. I agree with you and and your husband that anything you say about the situation will only serve to drive a wedge between you and your future DIL. If she's old enough to be engaged she's old enough to realize that her mother's experience is not the norm. Her mother may never be happy that she's getting married but that doesn't mean she can't have a great marriage with your son.

littlelambchop
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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:08:30 AM
MIL 101 - first lesson: stay out of it!


Lois

none2pleased
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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:11:07 AM
Thanks everyone, I KNOW that I will not say anything and I have not. I am just shocked. This is not the reaction that I expected.

My MIL has taught me well on what NOT to do as a MIL, so none of my thoughts will go any further than Two peas. I just needed to say it here, because, well I cant anywhere else!





Simply_Lovely
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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:18:35 AM
Your DS's fiancee just had what is hopefully one of the happiest moments of her life. Knowing how her mother is, it is likely she will ruin the moment and take away from that feeling of joy. Maybe the girl wants to prolong the state of happiness for a little while before having to deal with her mother. IMO, this has nothing to do with your son, and everything to do with her mother. It's only been 2 days, let her do it at her own pace.




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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:19:43 AM
Your relationship with your son and your future DIL will benefit much more from your being sweet and supportive of them right now than from your being upset about the ring not being shown. Looking at it from her side, I am sure she is trying to maybe give her mother a little time to adjust. I am sure she is just as anxious to wear her ring everywhere as you are to see her "sport" it. But a girl with that much consideration for her mother's feelings must be pretty special too. I think you are probably lucky in the long run that this is the one he chose.


Happiness looks good on everyone!

recap.pea
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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:23:28 AM
She knows her mom best and knows the best way to tell her so I would let it go and let her tell her mom in her way.

This may be old fashioned but what if your son talked to her mom alone and asked for her daughter's hand. Maybe it will help build her trust in him


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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:27:44 AM
Having been the girl who got engaged to someone my parents hated (not current DH), I totally understand where this girl is coming from.

She knows how her mother is going to react and she's dreading breaking the news to her. She's probably trying to enjoy being newly engaged for a little bit. It sucks being excited about a wedding when the people you hope will be most excited for you, just aren't.

Give her some time and let her work it out with her mother.

AKathy
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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:28:06 AM
Your feelings are hurt for your son? Are his feelings hurt? I'm with your husband, it's none of your business.


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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:28:17 AM
say nothing. They have enough to deal with from her mother. They don't need anything else to worry about. You DH is right. The only thing they should hear from you is "we love you both and support you."


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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:28:30 AM
I'm in agreement - you'll be much happier in the long run if you stay out of it.

I just wanted to add that I can see how you would be a little hocked off. While I'm sure it has nothing to do w/your son, it has to sting a little that she's hiding it.

And what is this woman's plan, for her daughter to stay single forever? Sheesh!

SHE needs to butt out. Wonder if she's a Pea?

Almost forgot - congrats on your son's engagement!




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scrapulous
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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:32:38 AM
So the girl's mother knows about the engagement, because you said she had a cow when the girl said yes, but has not seen the ring? Why would it matter if she sees the ring if she already knows about the engagement?

Whatever the answer, stay out of it.

Peabay
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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:34:35 AM

So, tell me, am I reading too much into this? Or am I spot on that she should "man up"?
no, she should do whatever feels right for her and her relationships. I think it's great that you're the type of person who can "man up" but maybe she isn't. She's walking a delicate line here - don't push the issue.



obliolait
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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:35:23 AM
it sounds like your son is making a big mistake. he should not marry a woman who is afraid of her mother. it sounds like she is young and immature.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:42:28 AM
As the MIL, I agree you should stay out of it... BUT if my son was asking for advice or expressed being hurt about the situation my advice to HIM would be to talk to fiance and ask her if she would like to put off the engagement until she is more comfortable sharing it with her mother... and that would include taking back the ring. If the girl cannot tell her mother then maybe she isnt mature enough for this type of commitment.

smurfie
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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:46:36 AM

it sounds like your son is making a big mistake. he should not marry a woman who is afraid of her mother. it sounds like she is young and immature.


im 40 and im terrified of my mother.. so much so i didnt even tell her i was expecting ds2 and she only found out after i had given birth...

OP... this girl knows her mum, she most likely knows that mum will spit venom and tarnish something that she is incredibly happy about... you sound like you have a very warm relationship with your fdil, so give her all the love and support she probably never knew from her own mum and she will not only thank you but love you for it in the years to come.




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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:48:03 AM
If they are old enough to be engaged and planning a life together, then they are old enough to work it out for themselves.

Support her and your son and do not allow even a word to be dropped against her mother even if it means you biting your tongue in half. It will benefit you in the long run.



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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:50:54 AM
Yep, just stay out of it. She probably wants to savor the moment a little bit longer because she knows/is afraid that her mom will take all her joy away. And that has to really suck.



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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:54:24 AM


Do yourself, your son, and his future wife a favor and keep your mouth shut. You don't know anything about the relationship between this woman and her mother. You need to trust her judgement and respect her choices as relates to her family. Pushing the issue will cause more problems than necessary.




This exactly.

They are grown up enough to begin the process of starting a family (the two of them). It's time to let go and let him and her deal with personal issues. Please don't be THAT MIL.

Something you should know in this wedding process. Your job as the mother of the groom is to shut up and wear beige. Things will go great if you remember those two rules.

I have 2 boys so I have to shut up and wear beige.
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Posted: 12/10/2012 8:04:33 AM

She knows her mom best and knows the best way to tell her so I would let it go and let her tell her mom in her way.


That's the answer I think.

Assuming they do marry there may be many things along the way that will make you feel 'protective' of your son so now will be good practise at staying out it



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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:18:27 AM
I think your DH is right & it will work itself out. It hasn't even been 48 hrs yet. Maybe your FDIL just wants to enjoy the moment. Maybe she's afraid her mom will say something snotty when she sees the ring & ruin it for her. Maybe she knows it will go over better after her mom has had some time to adjust to the idea.




megmc
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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:28:41 AM
This sounds just like my brother and the (_____) he married.

All I can say is good luck.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:37:59 AM


it sounds like your son is making a big mistake. he should not marry a woman who is afraid of her mother. it sounds like she is young and immature.


What nonsense. I was always afraid of telling my step-mother anything about my life decisions because she would always be so negative and critical.

OP.....To me this sounds like the perfect time for you to be a really supportive MIL. Tell the girl how thrilled you are that she's going to be part of your family, that you think your son made a great choice, and that you're sorry her mom is not as supportive as you all hoped she would be, but as far as YOUR family is concerned, this is awesome news.

Darcy_Collins
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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:43:07 AM
I feel like there's something missing from this story. So the engagement happened this weekend and the mother was told. Now your feelings are hurt because she didn't show the ring to her mother? Is the fiancee not wearing the ring, or just didn't trot over to her mother's house to "show off" the ring. If the mother has been told and "had a cow" why in the world does it matter to you whether she went over there to show off her ring? It frankly would just seem like obnoxious behavior to me. "Hey mom I know you're pissed about the engagement, but I just had to come over here so that you could admire the ring?" I seriously don't understand why you would expect her to do this, or why it matters at all??!!!

Now alternatively, if the fiancee is just refusing to wear the ring at all, blaming her mother, that's another scenario entirely. I can't really understand why you wouldn't wear the ring if you've accepted the proposal -particularly as this isn't even a situation of hiding the engagement from her mother. I would find that odd behavior and wonder if the fiancee really likes the ring, or is hoping to swap it out and is waiting to say something.


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Posted: 12/10/2012 11:19:23 AM
I think you're already starting off by being THAT mil. Wonder what her post would say about it? You don't want to have a contentious, ugly relationship w/your son's wife. Let her do what she needs to do. She knows her mother and she is protecting herself. Why not be supportive and encouraging? Have you tried to be her friend? She might appreciate having maternal support while planning her wedding. This could be a bonding experience for you. See it from her eyes and try and help her celebrate, since she will be given only grief from her own mom.


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Posted: 12/10/2012 11:19:25 AM
I think you're already starting off by being THAT mil. Wonder what her post would say about it? You don't want to have a contentious, ugly relationship w/your son's wife. Let her do what she needs to do. She knows her mother and she is protecting herself. Why not be supportive and encouraging? Have you tried to be her friend? She might appreciate having maternal support while planning her wedding. This could be a bonding experience for you. See it from her eyes and try and help her celebrate, since she will be given only grief from her own mom.


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Posted: 12/10/2012 11:19:53 AM

it sounds like your son is making a big mistake. he should not marry a woman who is afraid of her mother. it sounds like she is young and immature.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



What nonsense. I was always afraid of telling my step-mother anything about my life decisions because she would always be so negative and critical.



Oh ffs. Really??? I guess YOU don't have a mother who is critical of pretty much everything you do, who you don't like to tell things to because you just know that she will ruin it with her negativity.

I rarely tell my mother anything, good or bad, until I know I am in a place to be able to deal with her criticism. I am certainly not "young and immature."

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Posted: 12/10/2012 11:24:47 AM

Do yourself, your son, and his future wife a favor and keep your mouth shut. You don't know anything about the relationship between this woman and her mother. You need to trust her judgement and respect her choices as relates to her family. Pushing the issue will cause more problems than necessary.

This.

It sounds to me like she is trying to minimize the drama. She knows her mother and she knows how to best manage that relationship. It doesn't mean she's a doormat or anything like that.

And for goodness sake, it was just this weekend, not months ago or something.

ETA: Wait wait wait... this is JUST about the ring? I thought she hadn't even told her mother yet. Seriously? You're hurt and upset that she hasn't shown off a tangible thing? I don't get that at all. It's just a ring. Sure, it's a sign of a commitment but it doesn't ACTUALLY mean anything - it's just a symbol. The fact that he asked and she said yes it what matters. That has been shared.

I don't get being upset at all.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 11:50:23 AM
I also think you should stay out of it.


Be there to support your son. If he spoke to you and is troubled not only by his future MIL's reaction but also by the way his fiance is handling it this could be the beginning of the end.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 12:26:07 PM

She knows how her mother is going to react and she's dreading breaking the news to her. She's probably trying to enjoy being newly engaged for a little bit. It sucks being excited about a wedding when the people you hope will be most excited for you, just aren't.

Give her some time and let her work it out with her mother.


That. Stay out of it.



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Posted: 12/10/2012 1:52:52 PM

I feel like there's something missing from this story. So the engagement happened this weekend and the mother was told. Now your feelings are hurt because she didn't show the ring to her mother? Is the fiancee not wearing the ring, or just didn't trot over to her mother's house to "show off" the ring. If the mother has been told and "had a cow" why in the world does it matter to you whether she went over there to show off her ring? It frankly would just seem like obnoxious behavior to me. "Hey mom I know you're pissed about the engagement, but I just had to come over here so that you could admire the ring?" I seriously don't understand why you would expect her to do this, or why it matters at all??!!!

Now alternatively, if the fiancee is just refusing to wear the ring at all, blaming her mother, that's another scenario entirely. I can't really understand why you wouldn't wear the ring if you've accepted the proposal -particularly as this isn't even a situation of hiding the engagement from her mother. I would find that odd behavior and wonder if the fiancee really likes the ring, or is hoping to swap it out and is waiting to say something.


These were my thoughts exactly. But even with that said, I'd keep my mouth shut and stay out of it.

Maryland
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Posted: 12/10/2012 1:57:47 PM
Your poor son! That woman needs to know that women cheat too, so not to take it out on your son. It sounds like she will be a problem for your son, so I feel so bad for him. I hope the girlfriend comes to her senses and does not let her mother run their life and spoil their happiness. That mother needs to stay out of it. I hope things get better for your son!

Miss Lerins Momma
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Posted: 12/10/2012 2:11:47 PM

Do yourself, your son, and his future wife a favor and keep your mouth shut. You don't know anything about the relationship between this woman and her mother. You need to trust her judgement and respect her choices as relates to her family. Pushing the issue will cause more problems than necessary.


I agree. Be there for your son, and soon-to-be DIL, be happy for them & congratulate them as you normally would. But don't push the issue with her mom and stay out of it! You don't want to start off on the wrong foot with your soon-to-be inlaws!








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Posted: 12/10/2012 2:14:53 PM
Sounds tough for all involved. I think what is between her and her mother is just that, between them.



none2pleased
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Posted: 12/10/2012 2:50:22 PM
Thanks for all of the replies. I will repeat myself in saying that I have not and will not say anything to any of the parties involved. The presumption by some that I am THAT mil really chaps my chicken.

I came here wanting to say things that I knew in real life I could not and would not say. This is their problem and I have no intention of being involved. I just think that the wind was taken out of my sons sails because this seems like a let down to him.

With that said, I am out of it. I am almost kind of sorry that I even put anything on here. I honestly just wanted to vent and to make sure that I wasnt reading into something that was not there.

I have had plenty of practice with my own MIL and on two peas to know that I will not say anything. Period.





chelsea_bug
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Posted: 12/10/2012 3:05:05 PM
MIL didn't tell her father that she was married to her current husband for several years. Grandma begged her not to tell Grandpa because he would be judgemental (3rd marraige and inter-racial). He would have complained about it incessently to Grandma and she didn't want to hear it. Grandpa was told after Grandma passed away.

Every family has different dynamics.


Chelsea_Bug

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Posted: 12/10/2012 3:29:16 PM
It's only been 2 days, let her do it at her own pace.



They are both adults. Let the two of them handle it in any way that they want to.


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Posted: 12/10/2012 3:38:48 PM
Yes, I tend to agree with previous posters that she likely just wants to Be Happy for a period of time before having to deal with her mother raining all over her parade.

You should enjoy all sitting together at the head table .

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Posted: 12/10/2012 3:38:52 PM
That would piss me off too


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Posted: 12/10/2012 5:11:17 PM
I posted earlier and gave advice on what to do if your son came to you for advice... I still feel the same... does the fiance live with the mother she is not telling... does she take the ring off when she is around her .. because to me that is the same thing as lying and very disrespectful to your son.


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Posted: 12/10/2012 5:18:44 PM

Do yourself, your son, and his future wife a favor and keep your mouth shut.


This.

Don't be THAT mother-in-law. Just don't.



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Posted: 12/10/2012 5:22:34 PM
Mind
Your
Own
Business




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Posted: 12/10/2012 11:17:43 PM
I can understand why you would be upset for your son and worried about having to pick up the pieces. Hopefully it will all fall into place.


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Posted: 12/10/2012 11:59:10 PM
I agree with you an I get your post---just asking how we would feel.

I would feel sad for my son. An engagement is a happy occasion to shout from the roof tops.

Have faith that it will work out. Maybe she just wants to tell her mom in just the right way.



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Posted: 12/11/2012 2:21:46 AM
Based on your update I would FEEL like the gf's mom is a pill and I'd be shaking my head at the whole thing.


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Posted: 12/11/2012 9:25:36 AM
I would feel a little confused and sad for my son. Beyond that, like you are are doing, I'd keep my thoughts to myself and let it be their deal to work through.

I do hope the future MIL gets it together before the wedding planning starts. What a nightmare it will be for your FDIL and son if she doesn't. Yikes.

L

Scrappin Bunny
PeaAddict

PeaNut 436,594
August 2009
Posts: 1,153
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Loc: Oklahoma

Posted: 12/11/2012 11:23:41 AM
Congratulations!

I say first, that your feelings are your feelings and it's okay to say them to us, especially so you don't say them to the "kids".
Second, I can understand the gifl not wanting to tell her mom right away. You all know what her reaction will be. I'm sure the girl is very happy and doesn't want those feelings dampened by her mother until she's had time to enjoy them.
I can remember how I felt when my brother got engaged the same month I did. It bummed me out a little bit because I was still enjoying being "the engaged one" with my parents and other family.
Let her enjoy being engaged; she'll tell her mom when she is ready.

eversograceful1
Feeling Spaztastic!

PeaNut 69,237
February 2003
Posts: 7,832
Layouts: 73
Loc: Northern Florida

Posted: 12/11/2012 12:14:14 PM
I would feel bad for my son and that she should "man up". If she can't stand up now, wait until they have kids.


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Annabella
Leads a Charmed Life

PeaNut 43,843
July 2002
Posts: 44,159
Layouts: 46
Loc: East Coast

Posted: 12/11/2012 12:27:55 PM
Why does everyone get their panties in a bunch when they ask for advice on here? referring to the update.



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