My dear friend is cheating on her husband
Post ReplyPost New TopicPosted 12/10/2012 by Ginger21 in NSBR Board
 

Ginger21
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Posted: 12/10/2012 12:44:02 PM
She is one of my closest friends and our kids are close also. She finally told me she is having an affair with her boss when I called her out for acting weird.

It makes me sick to my stomach when she calls him "her man". He is married with kids also.

She is switching jobs so I am hoping the relationship will end but I just can't get over thinking of her differently. Feel like I am losing a friend. The kids will notice if we do not hang out anymore and I have no good reasons to say why.

Has anyone been in this situation?




Ginger21
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Posted: 12/10/2012 12:53:34 PM
He's a nice guy and I have known for a while that she is pretty much staying with him for the kids. She was a SAHM for a long time and in the past year has gone back to work to try to be able to support herself. Never thought she would cheat on him!! She always had a strong moral code and it was one of the things I admired about her.

I am not sure what his thoughts on their marriage are.


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Posted: 12/10/2012 12:54:12 PM
Yuck. A huge yuck. So not fun for you.

I would confront her. I don't think you need to cut out the relationship. But when she talks about "my man" (the other guy), I would tell her, plain and simple, you don't want to hear it.

The topic is off limits.

One of 2 things will happen. She will come to her senses and break off the relationship. In that case, you can continue with your friendship. Or she will break up her family and move forward with him and you will lose the friendship anyway (hopefully not).

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Posted: 12/10/2012 12:55:13 PM
Yup, and I have to say things were never the same after I found out she was sleeping with our local window cleaner!!!

Luckily with the ages of our kids it coincided with them moving on to their next schools (which were different to each other) so I didn't have much explaining to do really.

It's a shame but you're just part of the inevitable fallout sadly



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Posted: 12/10/2012 1:08:00 PM
Yes, sad to say, my very best friend of 20 something years did the same thing. I distanced myself, and eventually our friendship ended because of it. I wish she wouldn't have told me. I wish even more that she never cheated! She regrets having lost her husband to this day. Of course, the married man never worked out. They never do!!!

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Posted: 12/10/2012 1:20:09 PM
Oh how disgusting. I would have a really hard time with even being friends with her. It speaks so horribly to her character. I would feel like I was losing a friend in a way if this were happening to me.



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Posted: 12/10/2012 1:20:57 PM
I had a friend who was
on the verge, seeing her XB from college (we've been out 20 years), and wanted to walk away from her marriage. It's a hard situation. When I finally got bold and suggested that her frustrations might not be worthy of talking divorce yet, she went ballistic and it took me awhile to talk her down. It was a hard balance to strike at the time, wanting to be supportive but not wanting to encourage something that I knew she'd later regret.

It was over a year later that they finally got things back on track, and at that point she even thanked me for what I said, and told me I was the "one friend" who stood by her.

Sometimes it's hard to know how to handle it, but I don't think I could ever support something I knew to be blatantly wrong, like an affair with a married man. But I would still want to be there for my friend. If she did make a wrong move, she would've needed me even more when TSHTF.


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Posted: 12/10/2012 1:43:45 PM

Sometimes it's hard to know how to handle it, but I don't think I could ever support something I knew to be blatantly wrong, like an affair with a married man. But I would still want to be there for my friend. If she did make a wrong move, she would've needed me even more when TSHTF.



I agree, I can't see distancing myself from a friend because she's making a bad choice that is unrelated to me. I might ask her not to go on and on about the man and let her know my stance but I don't think it's worth losing a good friend over.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 1:47:50 PM

I don't think it's worth losing a good friend over.


I can't be friends with someone I don't respect.

I would tell her if she can get her act together and quit cheating, call me. But I can't continue a friendship with someone who would do such a thing.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 2:02:09 PM
That happened to me, one of my friends cheated on her husband too. Didn't know about it until after the husband found out. The friend was very ashamed of what she did and she did lose a lot of friends. She was one who spoke about family values, very conservative etc. She didn't "practice what she preached" so that is why so many of us had a hard time with it. We all liked her husband and tried to remain supportive of him.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 2:13:58 PM
I had this happen to me and her husband and mine are good friends all the way back to high school. I got angry with her and she told me I had no right to judge her when she just needed a friend!
I took a step back but after two years I was still pretty irritated and had zero respect for her, I decided that I would not like a "friend" who had no respect for me and that the honorable thing for me would be to end the relationship. It was a huge weight wen I did.


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Posted: 12/10/2012 2:15:47 PM

I don't think it's worth losing a good friend over.



I can't be friends with someone I don't respect.

I would tell her if she can get her act together and quit cheating, call me. But I can't continue a friendship with someone who would do such a thing.

I agree. I am sure she has told you the stories of how both her and her boss's marriages have been a sham for a long time, they are entitled to be happy, no one will know and on and on.

Maybe she should read a couple of the threads here at 2peas or on Surviving Infidelity and see how it really works out. But then again, many of these people insist that their story is not the same, it's not about sex, it's true love and the other man is just waiting for the right time to leave his wife and kids.

I too hope that she ends it with her boss but unless she acknowledges that she has some issues that need to be resolved and puts the work in to fix them, it will just happen again.










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Posted: 12/10/2012 2:20:42 PM

I can't be friends with someone I don't respect.

I would tell her if she can get her act together and quit cheating, call me. But I can't continue a friendship with someone who would do such a thing.


I agree. It would change how I saw her and who she was. I don't think I'd be able to move past that.




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Posted: 12/10/2012 2:35:55 PM
Just for the record, she told you because she thought you'd be accepting of it. She thinks you have the same moral code as she does. Something for you to ponder before you move forward.


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Posted: 12/10/2012 2:36:07 PM
I am a firm believer in getting the divorce FIRST! I would not be able to keep my mouth shut. She would know that I did not approve of adultery as it is cruel and hurtful to the families.

If after that the friendship wanes, your children need know only that "we are both very busy at the moment." Her children will need your prayers.




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Posted: 12/10/2012 2:38:56 PM
Just got get this right. You respect somebody for staying in a relationship she is not happy with and not seeking help to fix the relationship. But don't respect her for having an affair which might not last in order to full the void.

It's not really an either or. She is your freind despite some dubious choices or she is not. Cutting her loose now is quite a callous thing to do.

I would suggest she finds somebody to talk to about why she had the affair in the first place and to see if her marriage can move past it.

You might find she will leave her DH anyway.

With women who have been faithful a long time, an affair can be a sign that they are finally leaving a bad relationship.

Approximately one in three people have an affair at some stage. Ditching a freind because they had an affair is judgmental and harmful to your social options. Are you going to cull one third of all your freinds or just judge the ones who tell?

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Posted: 12/10/2012 2:54:17 PM
If it makes you feel differently about her, and you'd like to distance yourself, then do it! You don't have to explain details to your kids, etc. Life is busy, friends grow apart.

I just recently learned my friend is/has been seeing someone else - and to be honest? I don't love my friend any less. I told her that it wasn't the right thing to do to her husband or herself, and she agrees. What else can I say? She knows I don't approve, but as her best friend I want her to be able to lean on me for anything - agree with her or not. It does help that she has no kids, that layer would make it more difficult for me for sure.
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Posted: 12/10/2012 2:55:09 PM

Just for the record, she told you because she thought you'd be accepting of it. She thinks you have the same moral code as she does. Something for you to ponder before you move forward.


Really? I think another person's character has nothing to do with the OP and that is why she is so upset.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 3:01:04 PM
I had a close friend who we (group of friends) thought ws having an affair. We confronted her about it and she made us feel like horrible friends for doubting her and thinking something "so horrible". Turns out down the line, she had been having the affair and it went on for almost 10 years. It took me a long time to be able to be around her after that because we were also close to her husband and children, who were devastated. They did stay together and we are still friends but not nearly as close. Most of her closer friends think the affair is still going on. I don't want to know, because for me infidelity is such a bad thing. I can't help but lose respect for anyone who cheats.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 3:04:40 PM

She always had a strong moral code and it was one of the things I admired about her.


If she is a dear friend, or was, tell her this.

Then tell her that you are very disappointed and right now, you need to step back from being as close as you were.





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Posted: 12/10/2012 3:10:11 PM
I can't be friends with someone I don't respect.
^^
THIS.

It comes down to you. What do you think of YOU, if you stay in this messy friendship/relationship? Respect yourself first.

Tough love time. Tell her the above, no matter how much she explodes. And more importantly, stick to your guns. Tell her that her behavior is unacceptable to you as a friend, and not any kind of role model for anyone's kids. Tell her you will be there if/when she comes to her senses and stops.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 3:36:45 PM
I couldn't be friends with someone with no moral compass

She's told you, now shell feel like she can talk about it with you.
If you let her talk about it with you, In her mind it will be a little less wrong
Ew


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Ginger21
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Posted: 12/10/2012 3:44:04 PM
Thanks so much for letting me get this off my chest! It isn't like I can tell any of my friends. For the record, a long time ago DH had an affair and she was there for me when I was absolutely a wreck. She has seen first hand the pain I was in. DH and I worked things out eventually.


Just for the record, she told you because she thought you'd be accepting of it. She thinks you have the same moral code as she does. Something for you to ponder before you move forward.



I disagree! I believe that she knows I am trustworthy and she needed someone to talk to. Part of me wants to walk away and the other part says my friend needs me now more than ever.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 3:54:59 PM
I'm in the camp of having an incredibly difficult time being friends with people I don't respect.

I'm kind of glad to see so many others agree. I walked away from a friendship several years ago, for several reasons, but one of the main issues was an extra-marital affair she was having.

I knew she wasn't in love with her husband and she was young. 25 at the time. I supported her decision to leave him and start fresh every time she started to go in that direction.

But when she started cheating, it sat SO wrong with me.

The final straw was months later. She came over to hang out with me and hubby. She had a bit too much to drink and she was flirting with my husband. Damn. That pissed me off.

I wrote it off. I did end up telling her why. It felt good to stand up for what I believed in and to know I had good boundaries in place. But I wondered if I was a bad friend...if a "good" friend wold have just tolerated all of it.

I don't know. I've just learned over the years that boundaries are my friends! And it seemed one needed to be set.

I wish you luck. It's a SUPER craptastic place to be in.



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Posted: 12/10/2012 3:55:57 PM
I have. My friend required me to keep her secret. They ended up divorced now and I am not friends with either any more. It was terrible.



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Posted: 12/10/2012 4:01:56 PM

I believe that she knows I am trustworthy and she needed someone to talk to. Part of me wants to walk away and the other part says my friend needs me now more than ever.



I agree and totally understand what you're saying.

But where it gets tough is trying to be there for her and not feel like you are condoning or supporting her behavior. If you can find that line and feel good about it and want to do that, you should. How much do you really want to hear about this? How many details can you stand to hear?

But I also don't think you should feel badly if you want or need to step away. Even temporarily.

It's just a really tough spot to be in as a friend.

I'm even more shocked that you went though this as the victim and she knows that. That seems pretty insensitive to me. OR, as you said, it says a lot for how much she values you and trusts you.



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Posted: 12/10/2012 4:06:38 PM
Uggg. Yes, and it happened within a tight group of friends. Both couples eventually divorced and the two cheaters married each other.

I had to distance myself because I find this kind of behavior reprehensible. Anybody who cheats is also a liar....they generally have to make up lies as to where they've been, or what they've been up to, to cover their tracks, and I don't want a cheat and a liar in my Universe.

This all went down 10 years ago, and I do have limited contact with my friend (her DS is my Godson) but it's nothing like the wonderful relationship we had before. Their actions didn't just break up our group of friends (people took sides) it was devastating to the spouses who were cheated on, and the children in both families....and to some extent, all our children because it splintered the group and all the kids all lost friends in the fall out.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 4:09:21 PM

I believe that she knows I am trustworthy and she needed someone to talk to. Part of me wants to walk away and the other part says my friend needs me now more than ever.


Needs you for what? To hold her hand when her DH finds out and kicks her to the curb?

I was so PO'ed when my friend told me she was cheating. It was like she was making me a party to her deception, and I really resented that.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 4:19:20 PM

I have no good reasons to say why.


IMO, that affair is all the reason you need.

I'd definitely be stepping back. I might still be civil/cordial, but I just can't be close friends with people I don't respect. Cheating on a spouse is not something I will condone or get involved with.

I had a roommate in college who was screwing her married music professor. While pretending to be friends with his wife, and babysitting their kids. I told her how I felt about the situation and she blew me off. I did my best to steer clear of it all. She asked me to lie for them: I said no way. I ended up moving out.



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Posted: 12/10/2012 4:37:57 PM

IMO, that affair is all the reason you need.


I mean a reason to tell my kids.... They are pretty much best friends.

If this was a casual friend, it would be easier to move on but she is more like a sister. There are very few people I would even consider keeping a friendship with in a situation like this. She knows I don't approve but I think it is time she knows how much it is actually hurting our friendship.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 4:40:03 PM
Geez. I wish there were clear-cut answers. This really sucks for you and I'm sorry you are in this situation.



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Posted: 12/10/2012 4:53:32 PM

I mean a reason to tell my kids.... They are pretty much best friends.

If this was a casual friend, it would be easier to move on but she is more like a sister. There are very few people I would even consider keeping a friendship with in a situation like this. She knows I don't approve but I think it is time she knows how much it is actually hurting our friendship.


Ah. I'm sorry I misunderstood, Ginger. I agree, that's just an awful position for you to be in.




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Posted: 12/10/2012 5:25:14 PM

I can't be friends with someone I don't respect.


Me too. I have a friend who solicited sympathy from me for years because her husband cheated on her. It was awful. She was a basket case for years but I held her up and tried to be there for her in every way I could think.

Five or six years later she suddenly started getting stronger and wasnt spending as much time with me. I asked her outright if she was seeing someone. She said she wasn't, then weeks and weeks later admitted she was seeing a married man. I was stunned that she would do to another woman what had been done to her. She gave me the usual BS lines that people in affairs tell themselves to justify their actions. I ignored her excuses and moved on from the friendship. What a hypocrite.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 5:58:17 PM

Sometimes it's hard to know how to handle it, but I don't think I could ever support something I knew to be blatantly wrong, like an affair with a married man. But I would still want to be there for my friend. If she did make a wrong move, she would've needed me even more when TSHTF.


I would be there for my friend, provided she ended the affair. If she continued to betray her husband, I would walk away.

I believe we all make mistakes. All the time. The difference is continuing the mistake.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 6:21:40 PM
Not one of my friends had better ever tell me they are having an affair because I would be on the phone with their spouse ASAP and while I was at it, I'd probably call the spouse of the person she was having an affair with.

I honestly don't care what the cheater thought of me and I sure as shit would not be listening to her talk about how awesome her married boyfriend is.

The two spouses probably have no idea there are other people they are sharing a bed with.


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Posted: 12/10/2012 6:22:35 PM

I was stunned that she would do to another woman what had been done to her. She gave me the usual BS lines that people in affairs tell themselves to justify their actions. I ignored her excuses and moved on from the friendship. What a hypocrite.


This would be my issue. Lord knows I have made my share of mistakes in my life, but after it was done to me and I know how devastating it is, there is just no way in hell that I will ever be a party to inflicting that sort of pain on another human being.

For the OP, the fact that your friend had a front row seat for your pain, and now has no qualms about putting someone else through it would make it difficult for me to maintain a close relationship.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 6:26:35 PM
I was in a similar situation with my oldest (and formerly best) friend a few years ago. She knew precisely how I felt about her adulterous affair, and made the choice to pull away from me. I found out she'd been telling her husband she was with me when she was actually with the other guy and informed her that I would NOT lie to cover for her if her husband came asking.

Ultimately, the affair petered out and the husband discovered it, anyway. They divorced over the issue.

Friend came back into my life on a more regular basis, but it definitely changed things between us. I lost a great deal of respect and trust in her and doubt our friendship will ever be what it was.


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Posted: 12/10/2012 8:07:20 PM

I believe that she knows I am trustworthy and she needed someone to talk to. Part of me wants to walk away and the other part says my friend needs me now more than ever.


Such a hard position for you to be in. Having seen the ramifications of your husband's affair years ago, I would think she would have been hesitant to tell you. I suppose that speaks to the fact that she values your friendship very much.

I don't have advice for you. It's gotta be tough situation that you are in right now.

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Posted: 12/11/2012 7:33:03 AM

Just for the record, she told you because she thought you'd be accepting of it. She thinks you have the same moral code as she does. Something for you to ponder before you move forward.


I disagree with this. Friends tell each other all kinds of things that they are not proud of doing for very many reasons. I believe she told OP because she needed someone to talk to felt like she could trust OP.



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Posted: 12/12/2012 4:52:42 AM
I'm sorry that you are going through this! She should not have brought you into this situation. You have to be honest with her and tell her how you feel. It will be hard and she may reject your friendship, but in the end she will respect your honesty.


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Posted: 12/12/2012 5:09:51 AM
I'm sorry that you are going through this.

For the record, if my best friend was having an affair I would never end my friendship with her. I wouldn't condone the affair, I wouldn't allow her to use me as an excuse to see the other man, but I wouldn't write her off. And I would let her talk to me about it if she needed a sounding board. And I would also let her know that I don't agree with what she is doing. But I would not end the friendship.


It makes me sick to my stomach when she calls him "her man".


Yeah, wouldn't be happy with this at all.

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Posted: 12/12/2012 6:06:54 AM
Twice.
Both slightly different situations. One friend was a few years older than me and she'd been married for a long time and both kids were grown up and out of the house. She went back to Uni to get her Masters and met a man there.
Classic case of being in a bad marriage but didn't have enough courage to leave.
Second one met her husband just out of high school, dated and married quite young. No kids. She told me once she felt like she was married to her brother. They had been together for 12 years when she met a guy on a girls night out. I would never have expected she would do something like that.
First and foremost I was their friend, who they sleep with is ultimately none of my business.
In the second case I listened but I actively encouraged her to leave her husband amicably before he found out, tried to convince her there would be less hurt all around if she just ended her marriage (it was obvious it was over for her)
She kept saying she couldn't hurt him like that and didn't listen to me...I was right though and he found out and it got ugly and hurt lots of people on both sides.
She was still my friend though and although I was honest and realistic, I didn't just dump her. People make mistakes.
If you have to perfect to have friends - no-one would have any. True friendship is sticking by them through their good times as well as their bad times.
Friend one never told her husband and they separated anyway. Both are still single.
Friend two is still with the guy she had the affair with 8 years later, but her ex and his family still hate her.
Both made some questionable decisions, but I'm glad I offered support during this time.
I think for a woman to have an affair, it usually signals they are done with the marriage, but for a variety of reasons they are having trouble just leaving.

Sarah*H
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PeaNut 239,162
December 2005
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Posted: 12/12/2012 6:41:37 AM
Kind of the reverse. My best friend from college married dh's best friend from high school. (They met through us.) He cheated on her and was very obvious about it. DH ended the friendship. They were like brothers and 12 years later, it STILL hurts when I think about his absence in our lives - we even moved back to this area so we could be closer to them, we did everything together. But it just wasn't something DH could get over and even though we've not talked about it in a long time, I just found out earlier this week that it still bothers him. I saw the woman his friend cheated with (and eventually married) while out shopping and texted dh and his reply was "Are you even sure he's still married to her? He likes to trade his wives in pretty often you know."

I have a dear friend that had an affair with a married man. She did not really talk about the relationship much until he divorced, I think because she knew how I felt about it. If she had been married at the time, I don't think it's something I could have gotten over to maintain the friendship.



momofkandn
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PeaNut 159,041
July 2004
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Posted: 12/12/2012 6:49:40 AM
Being a betrayed spouse it would make it very difficult for me to remain friends with the person. I would try to be there for them because there will be hard times ahead. There always are when an affair is in the picture. Whether the spouse ever finds out or not. But I couldn't be there to support her while she's actively having an affair. I just can't condone that type of betrayal and lying. Once she either ended the marriage or ended the affair we could be friends again.

50off_scrapper
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PeaNut 135,621
March 2004
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Posted: 12/12/2012 7:59:10 AM
My two cents and i probably in the minority. So if you found out your friend got physically sick, would you dump them? Your friend is morally sick right now and your leaving her. Figure out how to help her get restored morally.

We are all sinners! People have so much hidden sin, you may be best friends with someone and don't know their sin, but someone confesses and now they are mud. Kinda like I teach my daughters.... People look down on the unwed mother, but how many are out having sex? How many aborted their baby? But everyone looks down on the unwed mother.

If you love your friend, guide them to moral restoration. Hate the sin, love the sinner.


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Roundtwo
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July 2010
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Posted: 12/12/2012 8:35:42 AM

if you found out your friend got physically sick, would you dump them? Your friend is morally sick right now and your leaving her.
A person doesn't choose to be physically sick. An affair is a choice and it is a choice I cannot condone. I have witnessed the fallout first hand - my kids, my family, my friends and I all bear the wounds of the choice the ex made to cheat on us. The wounds heal but the scars are constant reminders of the choices he made.

I agree that we are all make mistakes but I believe once is a mistake, twice is a choice.



I'm not really a new pea but am an anonymous pea who doesn't remember my original screen name before going anonymous. I don't want to be anonymous anymore but really I guess I am still anonymous since no one knows me anyway!

Luvnlifelady
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 289,166
December 2006
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Loc: Southern California

Posted: 12/12/2012 10:19:32 AM
I stood by and supported my friend while I watched her life implode.

She was married but took 3 of her 4 children and moved across the country to be with her high school love. Of course it didn't work out, but there was plenty of anguish along the way. She is now back but divorced.

My 15 yo DD was best friends with her son but since he's the one that stayed behind with the ex, that relationship died out.

My 12 yo DS is still best friends with one of her other sons though. The kids are the main reason I stayed with the friendship.



obliolait
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PeaNut 550,788
April 2012
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Posted: 12/12/2012 10:32:27 AM
it's hard to believe that some people here would be so desperate to maintain a close friendship with someone who is clearly morally bankrupt. friends come and go, morals shouldn't.

batya
Making the WWW better, one post at a time.

PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
Posts: 32,820
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Loc: up on my high horse

Posted: 12/12/2012 10:46:06 AM
I had a friend in a somewhat similar situation and I say somewhat b/c she and her DH were already on their way to divorce. In my mind, it was still wrong, though. Our DD's were BFF's and we were very close within a very close circle of friends but lucky me, I was the ONLY ONE she told and I was asked to keep it to myself.

Well, I did. But she blabs everything and she just assumed I did the same, which I didn't. I kept it to myself BUT I kept on her about pursuing her divorce actively AND cutting off the relationship. She expected me to join in her fun fantasy and somehow I became her moral compass and worst nightmare. The reason I stuck around was b/c I was very concerned for her kids and I was a mainstay in their lives when their parents often checked out on them.

Fast forward. She and her DH got divorced in the midst of this. He may have also been seeing someone but neither relationship was a factor in the divorce. I urged her to put those kids first. She continued seeing this man and when it came to light all our friends were all for it b/c they didn't know the timeline.

Fast FW another year or so. I couldn't stand how she was flaking on her kids and this man was everything. I am very much distanced from her. Our kids are very distanced as well. She is broken up with this man.

You can distance yourself over time and replace the time she and the kids played in your kids' lives with other activities and friends. Your kids will notice the absence though. I'm sorry.


OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.



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