I will need a lot of strength to get through this night...

Two Peas is Closing
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Posted 12/10/2012 by Lilina* in NSBR Board
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PeaNut 506,197
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Posted: 12/10/2012 4:46:59 PM
I understand that you can't wait much longer to confront him, but PLEASE make sure that you have as much paperwork as you can secure and/or copied.

Birth certificates, financials, etc.

IME, he might say he won't get ugly and he'll "do right by his kids" yadda yadda, but honestly, they rarely do.

Do you have an attorney?

Keep us updated. Make sure you will be safe tonight if you're going ahead and confronting him.


PeaNut 252,113
March 2006
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Posted: 12/10/2012 4:49:16 PM
I'm so sorry..I've been reading your posts and didn't want to not say something. Good luck..sending prayers your way.

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PeaNut 450,148
January 2010
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Loc: UT

Posted: 12/10/2012 4:52:35 PM
Well, I think that's sufficient evidence. I don't think there are many excuses he can make with all three things you've found.
Don't let him turn it around on you or make you feel like you're overreacting. Good luck, we are all thinking of you tonight.

Peaing From Podunk

PeaNut 45,443
August 2002
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Posted: 12/10/2012 4:53:15 PM
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Stay strong and make sure to take care of yourself too. Hugs!


Mother Goose's Meandering Mind


PeaNut 371,428
April 2008
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Posted: 12/10/2012 4:53:41 PM
I am so sorry. ((HUGS))


PeaNut 27,295
January 2002
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Posted: 12/10/2012 4:59:24 PM
I, too am sorry for you. Its hard to read because its obvious the pain you are feeling.

As others have said, be clear in your own mind on what you know and what you want to accomplish when you speak with him. It will be hard with all of the emotions, but it is completely possible.

Take care of yourself.

It's all just nonsense anyway!

PeaNut 97,456
July 2003
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Loc: California, NY & Orlando

Posted: 12/10/2012 5:02:10 PM
I would think if he was taking Viagra, in his relations with you, he would have mentioned it...wouldn't he? Not the kind of thing most men would mind admitting to their wives that they need....

You poor wee thing. I just hate this for you


PeaNut 171,402
October 2004
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Posted: 12/10/2012 5:02:38 PM
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Stay strong for yourself and your boys. ((Hugs))


PeaNut 259,367
April 2006
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Posted: 12/10/2012 5:07:36 PM
Act like everything is normal until you see a lawyer and line up your ducks. You can always NOT act on your plans, but you cannot make plans to protect you and your kids if he can make them faster than you later (or if he is making them now).

Hang in there and be strong. The best defense is a good offense.

Don't let the dreamkillers get me

PeaNut 109,681
October 2003
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Loc: so. california

Posted: 12/10/2012 5:08:45 PM
above all else, try and stay calm, if not for you then for your kids. i just read your update on the original post and i am sick for you. this is just horrible and it needs to end. time to confront, albeit as calm as possible.

No Peas for you ! Come back one year!

PeaNut 151,172
June 2004
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Posted: 12/10/2012 5:08:57 PM

He has 2 cars and I just went through his car in the garage and found VIagra. WTF? He's never needed Viagra with me, at least not that I know of. The evidence is mounting and its not good. He better not f*cking try to lie to me or I wont be responsible for what happens. He owes me more than that.
This guy is a real prize. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

I'd have a real hard time not telling him to keep his filthy hands off of me and to never touch me physically again. Honestly, I couldn't imagine being in the same house, so I know you must be having a tough time of it!

Cop's wife - Mom to one
"The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike." ~ Delos B. McKown


PeaNut 556,456
June 2012
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Posted: 12/10/2012 5:16:41 PM
I just wanted to say I will be praying for you too. Be safe.
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Chris in Ontario

PeaNut 109,020
September 2003
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Loc: Southern, Ontario, Canada

Posted: 12/10/2012 5:23:56 PM
Be prepared that he will lie....mine did for months and I had written proof that I showed him and he still lied. Just stick to your guns and know that it is just the beginning. You deserve someone better and someone who truly loves you. (I am assuming he is guilty).

Gosh I feel for you...everything you are dealing with I went through this exact same week last year. It really really does get better. I am so happy now and it has only been 12 months. Everything is different, but I have so much faith that I will have true true love in my future.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.....

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 154,236
June 2004
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Loc: USA

Posted: 12/10/2012 5:27:58 PM

He better not f*cking try to lie to me or I wont be responsible for what happens.

He is lying to you. You know it.

You're still responsible for your behavior.

You can responsibly deal with this awful, horrific situation even if you don't want to do it.

Thread Killer Extraordinaire

PeaNut 29,166
February 2002
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Loc: BFE

Posted: 12/10/2012 5:31:11 PM
Hugs and prayers. I'll be thinking of you tonight.



PeaNut 357,838
January 2008
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Loc: Georgia

Posted: 12/10/2012 5:38:34 PM
I went through this eight years ago. It was one of the darkest times of my life. You are in my prayers. Stay strong for your kiddos and for yourself. My ex sounds a lot like your hubby. He NEVER thought I would leave him.....didn't want a divorce.....just wanted me at home witht he kids and his honey on the side. Yeah. That plan didn't work so well for me. You are NOT alone in this. If you need to talk feel free to message me.

I'm not a wierdo I'm a smarto!


PeaNut 113,044
October 2003
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Posted: 12/10/2012 5:39:23 PM
I am so sorry for what you are going through and I will be thinking about you all night.


PeaNut 369,799
March 2008
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Loc: Canada

Posted: 12/10/2012 5:39:30 PM
I read your other thread as well. I am so sorry that this is happening to you and your boys. This must be so hard, especially with the holidays around the corner. I can't begin to imagine how you must feel.

You will be in my thoughts tonight. You deserve much better.


PeaNut 53,649
October 2002
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Loc: NorthCentral PA

Posted: 12/10/2012 5:42:28 PM
As a previous poster said, get your ducks in a row first. If you can't wait, at the very least, gather up bank info, birth certs, social security cards, etc, and lock them up somewhere safe. If you confront him tonight, be sure to see your lawyer tomorrow. cheating husbands have been known to clean out bank accounts on their way out the door. Ask me how I know.


"Be the change that you want to see in the world"
-Mahatma Gandhi

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PeaNut 79,412
April 2003
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Loc: Utah

Posted: 12/10/2012 5:44:20 PM
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Although we're strangers, I wish I could give you more than just words over the internet.

Keep your chin up.

Sugar Snap Pea

PeaNut 257,999
April 2006
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Posted: 12/10/2012 5:46:04 PM
You are stronger than you think. Hang in there. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Miss Lerins Momma
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 151,660
June 2004
Posts: 13,597
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Loc: KY

Posted: 12/10/2012 5:50:09 PM
Sorry that you are dealing with this, especially this time of year! That stinks.

I can't believe you haven't confronted him though. I would have by now!

Trolls *heart* me!!


PeaNut 562,203
July 2012
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Posted: 12/10/2012 6:47:22 PM
I can only imagine how you have waited this long to confront him. Please keep us posted. I know these things rarely have peaceful endings.


PeaNut 116,261
November 2003
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Posted: 12/10/2012 6:59:56 PM
I'm sorry.


May we be consumed with the Creator of all things rather than with things created.

6 rings - no cheating! Go STEELERS!

Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.


PeaNut 2,710
February 2000
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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:02:38 PM
I am so sorry for you. Sending prayers your way. Stay strong!

*Delphinium Twinkle*
I'm just a pea:)

PeaNut 163,613
August 2004
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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:03:41 PM
Be strong.
My prayers are with you

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Wise~old Pea

PeaNut 17,460
June 2001
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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:12:04 PM
Be strong, be safe!

Shih Tzu Mommy
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PeaNut 224,352
September 2005
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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:18:18 PM
ilovecookies is 100% right!

Dog people are a special breed!

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 235,294
December 2005
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Loc: PA

Posted: 12/10/2012 7:20:03 PM
Do what is right for you and your kids. Lean on the peas and talk things out if you need to. I know how hard it is to try to hold it together in front of kids. I would quietly sob as I drove the car.

We ended up salvaging our marriage and the kids still have mo idea how bad it was. Hugs to you!!

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PeaNut 161,211
August 2004
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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:23:48 PM
I am praying for you! HUGS

Tony is MY hoochie!

PeaNut 3,902
April 2000
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Loc: MN

Posted: 12/10/2012 7:26:48 PM
I don't know how old your kids are..but I would have called him today, and asked him to come home when the kids weren't there. No matter how you try to be quiet..there will be possibly yelling and crying..and lots of denials.....


PeaNut 30,457
February 2002
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Loc: Texas

Posted: 12/10/2012 7:45:09 PM
Oh honey, I am so sorry. Maybe you could post the name of the nearest large city near you. I bet there are peas close to you who might be abe to see you for lunch or help you through this dark time. just an idea...

~~ Marianne ~~

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 257,022
April 2006
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Loc: USA

Posted: 12/10/2012 7:47:05 PM
Just here to show my support for you. (((HUG)))

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PeaNut 25,575
December 2001
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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:50:21 PM
I am sorry you are going through this.

Proud Wife and Mom to four big goons!
I cannot be old enough to have three teens and a tween.

God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially formed you to
go through it, not without pain but without stain.
-- C. S. Lewis

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Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 289,166
December 2006
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Loc: Southern California

Posted: 12/10/2012 7:58:15 PM
There are plenty of us here that have been there, done that, and our marriages survived. You can pmail me if you need to talk. It's not easy, but well worth the effort IMO. Good luck.

I have a good friend that found out recently about the same thing happening to her. It's almost more painful to watch her and her kids go through than when it was me. I am having her DD sleep here one night this week so she can fly to see her husband (he works overseas). She wants to talk face to face and hopefully patch things up.

baby fever pea
Jeepers PEApers

PeaNut 54,297
October 2002
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Loc: Somewhere peaing

Posted: 12/10/2012 7:59:37 PM
I am sorry you're going through this too.


"Nobody gets everything in this life. You decide your priorities & you make your choices. I decided long ago that any cake I had would be eaten." ~Donald E. Westlake

"The longer I live, the more I observe that carrying around anger is the most debilitating to the person who bears it." ~Katherine Graham

"Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no end." ~Scott Adams

Psalm 147:5 Great is our Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite.

16 year survivor of infertility... still waiting for my miracle...


PeaNut 82,382
April 2003
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Loc: southeastern Wisconsin

Posted: 12/10/2012 8:00:17 PM
I'm so sorry you are going through this. My heart hurts for you because I know exactly the crushing pain you are in.

Been there, done that, and then stayed far too long before divorcing.

What I've learned (and the peas that have been through this have said the same thing) is that you are stronger than you can ever imagine. Right now things look so hopeless, but it will get better. Unlike your husband, you have to make you and your children your first priority.
Please be safe and contact your therapist as soon as possible. Know that we care about you!


*Clever Pea Title Here*

PeaNut 220,816
August 2005
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Posted: 12/10/2012 8:03:21 PM
I am sorry that you're going through this.
((((hugs)))) to you



PeaNut 19,198
July 2001
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Loc: NJ

Posted: 12/10/2012 8:10:21 PM
Hugs to you, sweetie.

Hang tough. You can do this. We are all pulling for you.

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PeaNut 307,622
April 2007
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Posted: 12/10/2012 8:19:50 PM
Couldn't just read and not post.
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Pretty In PeaNK

PeaNut 417,489
March 2009
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Posted: 12/10/2012 8:27:45 PM
I'm so, so sorry. I was hoping the texts were a fluke.

The only thing I haven't seen anyone say that is usually said to peas in similar situations is be careful who you tell. Many peas have said once everyone knows, it's permanent. They will forever look at you and him differently. They may say he was never good, leave his a$$, you're better than this......then you decide to work it out.

In other words, keep it between him and your therapist until you decide on what to do.

"How are we going to get rid of racism? Stop talking about it!"--Morgan Freeman


PeaNut 55,741
November 2002
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Posted: 12/10/2012 8:30:35 PM
Thinking of you...hugs, hugs, hugs...


PeaNut 341,236
October 2007
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Posted: 12/10/2012 8:31:09 PM
y kyeord ist workig right I so sorr

Even with the snark, trolls and spelling police you are a great group of ladies!

Sick of Snow

PeaNut 41,352
June 2002
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Loc: Canada

Posted: 12/10/2012 8:35:46 PM
I am so sorry.
Prayers of strength to you.


PeaNut 15,108
May 2001
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Posted: 12/10/2012 8:37:07 PM
Let us know how it goes. Sending a spine of steel along for you.


PeaNut 159,041
July 2004
Posts: 1,079
Layouts: 0
Loc: Maryland

Posted: 12/10/2012 8:37:22 PM
I'm so sorry you have to do this. BTDT. The anxiety, hurt, fear, and anger are so overwhelming. But you can do this. Be strong. You've done nothing wrong. Don't let him deflect and don't let him make you think you are in any way to blame for this. He alone made the decision to cheat.

Most of all, don't feel like you have to figure it all out right now. You will be on a roller coaster of emotions. Give yourself time. You need to give yourself time to figure out if this is a dealbreaker and the marriage is over. If your husband follows the cheaters handbook, he will go a period of time trying to keep both of you. Don't bother fighting for him right now. Give yourself time to figure out if you want him. Then push him off the fence either toward divorce or fixing the marriage.

Get your ducks in a row. Talk to a lawyer. Save the evidence somewhere safe. And be very selective in who you tell right now.

You will get through this. Feel free to PM me anytime if you need a shoulder of someone that's been right where you are.


PeaNut 25,442
December 2001
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Layouts: 16
Loc: Kentucky

Posted: 12/10/2012 8:43:34 PM
I'm so sorry. I've also BTDT and can identify with so much you've written, right down to the Victorias Secret and Viagra. Take care of yourself and your children, and don't let him mess with your head. It's been my experience that cheaters are masters of deflection and blame once they are caught....be prepared not to take anything at face value and always protect yourself and your children's interests.


PeaNut 477,269
August 2010
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Posted: 12/10/2012 9:49:25 PM

Don't bother fighting for him right now. Give yourself time to figure out if you want him. Then push him off the fence either toward divorce or fixing the marriage.

Excellent advice. Infidelity doesn't always mean the death of a marriage. If you both want to get past this, you can but both of you have to be all in. You may decide this is a deal breaker. You've got all the power and don't let him take it from you. Be strong and take care of yourself.

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 452,048
January 2010
Posts: 6,190
Layouts: 9
Loc: Indiana

Posted: 12/10/2012 10:55:36 PM
Do you have anyone that can take care of your kids for the evening tomorrow so you can talk without them there?


Stacy in UT

PeaNut 7,959
November 2000
Posts: 2,942
Layouts: 57
Loc: West Jordan, UT

Posted: 12/10/2012 11:00:36 PM
I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
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