Mothers with kids that have step-mothers

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Posted 1/17/2013 by icedpea in NSBR Board
 

icedpea
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Posted: 1/17/2013 1:10:56 PM
The mother's ring thread has me thinking. I know each situation is different. As a mother would you want some other woman to consider your child her son or daughter in any capacity (not just the mother's ring)? I personally would have a hard time with that. Luckily I have not had to deal with this situation with my own child. However, I do have a step child and wouldn't feel right crossing certain boundaries. It is always a sticky situation to be in IMO.

pheestand
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Posted: 1/17/2013 1:23:19 PM
I probably can't offer a good answer because I've never been directly involved in that situation either.

I would have to agree, however that every situation is as unique as the people involved.

I can see from what my sister went through with her Xdh and daughter that the step mother was nothing but trouble; drug use, abusive to her own kids, as well as the child she went on to have with Xdh. On the other hand, if a child's natural mother is the one in a less then ideal situation, then I think a loving, compassionate step mother would be a great asset to the life of a child, biological or not.

Unfortunately, in most cases I've seen from afar, it's the child that is the pawn and no one seems to be able to put their own personal adult feelings aside long enough to think of what their behavior is doing in the best interest of a child(ren).

"It takes a village" they say and I think there are situations where an aunt, grandmother, teacher, stepparent, councilor, neighbor, etc. can and often does provide the love and support needed to raise a productive member of society in spite of biology.

jeremysgirl
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Posted: 1/17/2013 1:24:42 PM
My kids have a stepmother and I live with my boyfriend so I consider myself to be a stepmother to his kids. And the line I try not to cross is the one I don't want crossed. I'm grateful that my ex married someone who treats my kids well but I would not think it would be her place to have a mothers ring with my kids' birthstones on it. So, even though I love my boyfriend's kids and treat them just like my own, I would not have their birthstones put in a mother's ring. However, because I wouldn't and I wouldn't want to slight them, I'd pass on ever having a mother's ring.

When I met my boyfriend, his youngest daughter had just turned one. She tried calling me mama for a while and everytime she did I would correct her by pointing to me and saying my name. She eventually got my name and stopped calling me mama. My boyfriend's ex basically encouraged the little one to call her boyfriend daddy and it really hurt my boyfriend's feelings, he's the daddy, not the boyfriend. I wouldn't want my kids calling anyone else mama so I didn't allow this little one to call me mama either.

Yet, I have been around since this child was one so when she's with us, I'm just as good a replacement for mommy when she needs comforting. I treat her and her older sisters just like I do my own kids. But I try hard to respect their mother's feelings.

icedpea
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Posted: 1/17/2013 1:28:31 PM
Good points from both sides. I have chosen not to have a mother's ring for this reason too.

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Posted: 1/17/2013 1:39:29 PM
Let me see if I can type this in a way that makes sense. My parents divorced and my father remarried when I was around 10. My stepmother did her best and her stepmother (step-step grandmother?! to me) and father included me equally with the other grandchildren. It changed my life for the better. My stepmother and father divorced, my mother passed away and my kids call my stepmother grandma.

If my husband and I were to split and he were to remarry, I would hope that she would treat my two daughters as her own. They loved to be loved. In parenting, I always go back to the story of King Solomon in the Bible. My feelings are secondary to the well being of my girls.

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Posted: 1/17/2013 1:44:22 PM
My daughter's stepmother says that she thinks of my daughter as her own, and I know that she refers to her as "her daughter" to others. I will be honest and say that sometimes I feel strange about it, and I will think to myself, "but she's not yours, she's mine." I would never say this outloud, or to my daughter, though. I always tell myself that isn't that what I want, for her to be so loved by her stepmother? She's very respectful towards me, and so I always tell myself how lucky my daughter is to have such a kind, loving woman in her life.

icedpea
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Posted: 1/17/2013 7:19:41 PM
LeaP- that was beautifully written and explained. It actually helps me understand both sides a little better.

hergie
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Posted: 1/17/2013 7:22:49 PM
My step-son (he was 22 at the time) bought me a mother's necklace after the birth of my youngest son. It had three kids on it. Him, my oldest biological son, and my youngest son. It made me cry because it was the first time he acknowledged that I was an important part of his life. I married his dad when he was 15.

freecharlie
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Posted: 1/17/2013 7:26:49 PM
I don't know the thread in question, but here is my take on it.

If the step-mother isn't evil and treats the kids and the bio mom with respect then including the child on a mother's ring/necklace might be her way of saying the child is important.

How would the child feel if he was left out? Like he wasn't part of the family? Especially with situations where the dad only has partial custody.


I have seen some evil ones do it just to piss the mother off, but there is another side.


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Posted: 1/17/2013 8:11:11 PM
I'm not sure it would bother me. It's just a ring, symbolic of hopefully a good relationship with a child and someone who could be important in their life. Having more people to love a child is a good thing.

As long as it's done with good intentions, and the child is fine with it, I would be too.


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Kate1
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Posted: 1/17/2013 8:19:43 PM

As a mother would you want some other woman to consider your child her son or daughter in any capacity

As one who was in this situation, it bothered me at first, then I realized the opposite would bother me more...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hergie... how touching!

Darkangel090260
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Posted: 1/17/2013 8:29:21 PM
My mothers ring has all 3 of the kids and my step kids mom has her two.


I have quite a few learing disabilitys that effect my spelling a grammer. I do know my grammer and spelling suck. I have been working on this problem all my adult life.

SMG in AZ
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Posted: 1/17/2013 8:35:01 PM
I have a step-mom. I have a mom. They are both my moms and I love them differently. I mean, when you have more than one kid, do you feel like you are splitting your love between them? That's how I feel about my moms--I am lucky to have 2 people who are there for me. The love I have for one is not a subtraction from the other.

When DD's father got remarried, my experience with having a step-mom made it easier for me to deal with her new step-mom. Instead of being jealous that DD had another "mom" in her life, I could appreciate that she had another adult in her life who loved and cared for her. Definitely better than having someone in her life who doesn't like her, right?

Yeah, sometimes it is hard because I am human and want her to think I am the "best" mom, but it is in her best interest to have lots of great women in her life to care for her. It's my gift to DD, sharing her.

Love multiples.




Suzy

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Posted: 1/17/2013 8:36:51 PM
You raise a very good point. I am trying to be the bigger person and feel glad that DD's step mother honestly cares about her and treats her very well. But due to past history sometimes it's hard.


As a mother would you want some other woman to consider your child her son or daughter in any capacity

As one who was in this situation, it bothered me at first, then I realized the opposite would bother me more... 


Absolutely! Well said Kate!!

LottaFire
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Posted: 1/17/2013 9:21:35 PM
I think mother's rings are ugly. So, for me it wouldn't be an issue. Haha! I am a stepmother, however, so I don't really know what I would do. I used to have a purse from Snap Totes with pics of my 2 sons on it. My husband gave me a lot of crap about it because his son was not on it. I told him that his son's mother could buy a purse with him on it. My newest one has a family picture on it, including all 5 of us. BTW, my 2 sons are not my husband's but he has since adopted them.
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lgr4
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Posted: 1/17/2013 9:34:34 PM
It bothers me,a lot!! Maybe if no infidelity had taken place I would feel differently!

Constance
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Posted: 1/17/2013 9:39:41 PM
It would not bother me. My son got his stepmother when he was four years old (he is 24 now). I have always been grateful that he got a stepmother who loves him as a son. I'm not saying it was always smooth sailing, but at least I always knew that she loved him dearly and would jump in front of a train for him if she had to. Of course she would want to include him in any kind of symbolic recognition of family for her. He is part of her family and always will be.

eebud
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Posted: 1/17/2013 9:43:32 PM
I have a stepmother (although my dad and her divorced MANY years ago but we still stay in touch some), I am a stepmother and my DS had a stepmother. I had no problem at all with DS's stepmother loving him and if she had a mother's ring and wanted his birth stone, I would have had no problem with that either. She was the only reason that I didn't worry about DS when he was with his dad. LOL They are no longer together and I think it has been many years since DS has seen her. She fell into some bad times and I don't know if she came out of it or not. My stepmother used to refer to me as her daughter. I doubt she does today considering I rarely see her but we do try to stay in touch. I believe that if she had a mother's ring, it would only have her bio daughter and I would be perfectly fine with that. I already stated on the other thread that I would have my DS as well as my two DSS if I had a mother's ring but I am in the camp with lottafire and I don't like mother's rings or any of the other mother's jewelry that you can buy with your kids on it. If one of the kids bought one for me, I would wear it proudly but I hope they don't. LOL





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Posted: 1/17/2013 9:46:08 PM

As a mother would you want some other woman to consider your child her son or daughter in any capacity



If the other woman was present with an ex during custody of my son or daughter, I would hope they would consider said children family. Beloved family. I would not want my child to be treated otherwise.


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Posted: 1/17/2013 10:33:17 PM
It must be hard.

But half of my daughters' friends want my girls as their own and they say all the time they love them like their own and they are their other daughters.

I love that. I love that there are other people to love my girls. You could always have a stepmom who doesn't love your kids and I cannot imagine how horrible that would be.

It never hurts to have extra people to love you. I know I wouldn't mind!


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Posted: 1/17/2013 11:00:48 PM
My DD has a SM and unfortunately in our case she has basically ruined my DD's relationship with her father and he did nothing to stop it! She ran into her Dad and SM at her Uncles on Thanksgiving and they both had the nerve to ignore my Daughter and act like she wasn't even there, it was horrible...she was very upset! I wish my Daughter had a SM she was close with like she is my DH!


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ashazamm
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Posted: 1/18/2013 8:19:45 AM
I met my DH when my SD was three. DH's ex left him (just so you have a background). I was told by my DH that his ex had a hard time with having her DD around me because she didn't want to "lose" her to me. So I always kept my distance. When she was at our house I would be good to her, took care of her, etc but I always kept that wall up not wanting to cross any lines. As a result, I'm not close to her at all. She's now 19.

As she got older and was growing up and having issues (like any normal kid), I was also reminded that I didn't have a say in her life. I would put my two cents in but DH and his ex were the ultimate decision makers (I was fine with it) but it was another way they made it clear: she's not your child. So with that constant reminder her entire life, I don't feel like she's my child.

As for the mother's ring thread, I read it and put my comment in. I read all other answers too and my thoughts when I came away from it was I think I personally wouldn't put my SD's birthstone on because again, I'm just not close to her. If I did, I don't know if her mother would even care now.

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Posted: 1/18/2013 8:22:08 AM
My mom and my stepmom are two of the most influential people in my lives. Luckily neither feels threatened by the other. They both have molded me into who I am and I consider them both my moms.



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Posted: 1/18/2013 8:33:20 AM
I think it's a little different depending on who the child is raised with and who is doing the everyday stuff. I make no statements to the fact that one of my children is a "step" because I am the one to take care of her everyday. She calls me by my given name although her mother insisted she call me "Momma Erica" which I thought was odd.

Having said that, I have a very large tattoo with six flowers, one for each child and I gave no thought to what her mother may feel about it. I probably should have but I didn't because she'll never see it and we're not on speaking terms since she doesn't get to see her daughter due to mental health issues.


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icedpea
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Posted: 1/18/2013 10:22:09 AM
I met my DH when my SD was three. DH's ex left him (just so you have a background). I was told by my DH that his ex had a hard time with having her DD around me because she didn't want to "lose" her to me. So I always kept my distance. When she was at our house I would be good to her, took care of her, etc but I always kept that wall up not wanting to cross any lines. As a result, I'm not close to her at all. She's now 19.

As she got older and was growing up and having issues (like any normal kid), I was also reminded that I didn't have a say in her life. I would put my two cents in but DH and his ex were the ultimate decision makers (I was fine with it) but it was another way they made it clear: she's not your child. So with that constant reminder her entire life, I don't feel like she's my child.

As for the mother's ring thread, I read it and put my comment in. I read all other answers too and my thoughts when I came away from it was I think I personally wouldn't put my SD's birthstone on because again, I'm just not close to her. If I did, I don't know if her mother would even care now.



^^^^^^
This is exactly how I feel. This thread has been very enlightening for me. Thank you for that explanation.

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Posted: 1/18/2013 10:41:23 AM

My daughter's stepmother says that she thinks of my daughter as her own, and I know that she refers to her as "her daughter" to others. I will be honest and say that sometimes I feel strange about it, and I will think to myself, "but she's not yours, she's mine." I would never say this outloud,


I remember going to a Christmas dinner with my mom and 2 other families. One family the mother had died of cancer and the father remarried a little Asian woman. Her white step-son towered over her and she refered to him as her son. My mother made a complimentary comment on how big her son was. It was the most awkward moment ever because everyone else in the room knew she was not his mother but no one wanted to correct my mother to be polite.

So I really think it is awkward when someone refers to their step-child as their child and you're thinking the ages don't line up, or I know you just got married, or you clearly don't look alike. It's just weird. I guess the woman does it to please her husband, like "look I call your kids mine".




elphalba
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Posted: 1/18/2013 10:52:45 AM
That's kind of odd. Not distinguishing a child as a "step" is not done to "please" a spouse, it's done because of how a person feels. And honestly who cares what a child looks like, adopted children sometimes don't look like their parents...


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pe@ce
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Posted: 1/18/2013 11:17:32 AM
I think there are different situations that would change my response to the question.

I can answer from MY perspective. I started seeing dh when his kids were 8, 10 & 12. They had a mom that was very involved and she wasn't crazy about my role in her kids' lives. I just tried very hard not to step on her toes and give her the respect she deserves as their mother.

I had my own child when the youngest was 17. She is the one for which I have the ring, necklace or whatever else. But the kids were older and it certainly didn't hurt their feelings. If they were younger when she came along, I may have re-thought all of that. It would depend on how it would affect them.

BUT I also have to take the ex's personality into consideration. She had issues with me. Just cause. Nothing big and over blown but typical 2nd wife type thing. It would have crushed her if I would do something like a ring with her kids on it. So I wouldn't. The kids really appreciate the fact that I approached things the way I did. It made their lives easier and now that they're older, they've told me so. I just tried to put their feelings first. It wasn't always easy.

One more thing I will add- is now I'm a grandma to 2 kiddos. I'm not taking a backseat to that. (And the kids don't expect me to.) When the first baby came along, she would take her little intentional digs- making sure she only referred to me by my first name to the little one. She didn't want him to call me grandma. No biggie. She's mellowed now that there are 2. And when we are all together for events, I really go out of my way to interact with her and the kids so that she sees there's not reason to be threatened. The more people that love these children, the better off they are. And I think she's finally realizing that. She's a good person. She's a nice person. And we love the same people. --I think I got off track.






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Posted: 1/18/2013 5:18:50 PM
Mother's rings are one of those things that I really don't have much appreciation for except for my own 2 boys. I inherited my grandmother's mother's ring, she had 6 kids. When I wear it I feel really weird.

I tried to offer it to my cousin who had the same grandmother and also had 6 kids, but she said my grandmother wanted me to have it.

Because I only have 2 kids, I bought an estate cocktail ring that had both of their stones in it and that is what I wear to represent my boys.

I had 2 stepmom's and never wanted to be in their rings and I'm sure they didn't want any of us in their rings either. My mom has 2 stepkids and they don't even speak. I guess my step experiences haven't been as rosy as some people's have been.


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Posted: 1/18/2013 5:20:54 PM

I know each situation is different. As a mother would you want some other woman to consider your child her son or daughter in any capacity (not just the mother's ring)? I personally would have a hard time with that.


I don't have a child with a step mom, but I had those same thoughts as well. I think it would bother me.

lttlecrybby
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Posted: 1/18/2013 6:26:08 PM
I think that if the step-mom and the dad have children together it would make the stepchild feel left out if they were not included in the mother's ring. I know I would have when I was a child.


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Roundtwo
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Posted: 1/18/2013 7:50:30 PM

It bothers me,a lot!! Maybe if no infidelity had taken place I would feel differently!
This is how I feel as well. This woman helped break up our family and my kids would be very very unhappy to have her include them as her kids in any capacity.







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icedpea
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Posted: 1/19/2013 7:38:25 AM
Roundtwo- I completely agree with you and I'm so sorry that happened. I cannot imagine how difficult that would be.

CupcakePea
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Posted: 1/19/2013 8:00:00 AM
The only arrangements I've ever seen work out were the ones where all involved wanted the best for the KIDS; which in my opinion means loving step children as much as your own- and yes, being on the ring. It shows they are cherished and valued. It should be done for the child, not the mother. Adult step children- probably not an issue at all, but a child, yes, should be cherished and valued unconditionally even if they are trouble for the step mother. It's not their fault they are stuck as pawns.

I have two friends who are step mothers and it is a beautiful arrangement. But it's because they worked hard to get it that way and they LOVE those children.
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