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worriedparentnchild
PeaNut
PeaNut 577,742
January 2013
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|  Posted: 1/17/2013 8:46:24 PM
This is a really hard question for me to bring up here, and a very hard conversation for me to have with my mother. I never thought I would be doing the anon question thing here, but here I am. I've been here a long time and I don't want to put my mother's personal business out there to someone who may know me in real life.
My mother has had a prescription drug addiction since I was a kid. It has progressively gotten worse, I believe. She takes Morphine as well as several other prescriptions. She is prescribed these by a doctor, but everyone who knows her has said she has an addiction problem with them. She ran out of her prescriptions last month and went into severe detox and I ended up taking her to the ER.
She has recently moved into the same town as us and she has been wanting to watch our children. Neither myself or my husband are okay with the idea.
I'm not really asking for validation of our decision, I know it's right for our family, but I would appreciate any advice from anyone who has been in this type of situation. She called earlier asking if she could watch the kids and I was just getting off work and didn't have enough time to have the conversation we need to have about this. I'm dreading this and just don't know how to proceed.
If you've stuck with me this far, thanks for reading  | |
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IPeaFreely
It's a Higgs, baby!
PeaNut 120,657
December 2003
Posts: 12,239
Layouts: 32
Loc: CERN
 | Posted: 1/17/2013 8:52:50 PM
Just say it. Say Im uncomfortable with your prescription drug use. Period. End of story.
And she will probably try to escalate the situation, toss around blame, throw it back on you, deflect, deflect, deflect. But stay calm and stick to yur guns. No one in their right mind would leave a child with smeone with a drug problem. | |
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SnowWhite.
in Fairy Tale Land
PeaNut 341,421
October 2007
Posts: 6,334
Layouts: 0
Loc: Philly 'burbs
 | Posted: 1/17/2013 8:56:47 PM
When my sister had to do this with our mother, she made it less about not trusting our mother (which she sure as shit didn't) and more about the access to prescription drugs in the house and her concern for her children getting into them. I'm sure this was super difficult for my sister (and I'm sure it will be difficult for you), but focusing on the children made redirected it a bit.
Nowadays, my sister lets a lot of calls go to voicemail and runs a Lather.Rinse.Repeat on "I'm not comfortable with that." 
I'm sorry you've found yourself in this really crappy situation.
~dawn | |
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worriedparentnchild
PeaNut
PeaNut 577,742
January 2013
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| Posted: 1/17/2013 8:58:09 PM
No one in their right mind would leave a child with smeone with a drug problem.
You are right. And my husband and I are in our right mind however, she is not. If it was anyone else I would have no problem being completely blunt. She, along with so many people who abuse prescriptions, don't see it as a problem because it is "legal" and a doctor gave it to them.  | |
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worriedparentnchild
PeaNut
PeaNut 577,742
January 2013
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| Posted: 1/17/2013 9:01:47 PM
she made it less about not trusting our mother (which she sure as shit didn't) and more about the access to prescription drugs in the house and her concern for her children getting into them.
This is exactly one of the directions I wanted to go with this. She would be wanting to come here though, so I wasn't sure how this would work. I was thinking that maybe she would have some on hand in case she felt she "needed" them and I definitely don't want them around. One time before she moved here, she dropped a pill somewhere in our house and it took us about 20 minutes to find it. I wouldn't have let the kids out of my sight until it was recovered. | |
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Gynergy
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 225,338
September 2005
Posts: 2,378
Layouts: 418
Loc: Georgia
 | Posted: 1/17/2013 9:05:54 PM
Maybe pick a non-accusatory phrase (e.g. not "you're an addict and I can't trust you with my kids" but perhaps "Because of the possible side effects of your medicine, DH and I aren't comfortable leaving you to care for our children" and just keep repeating it. You're not going to convince her of your opinion (though I think you're right on and doing the best thing to keep your kids safe) so why even get into it with her.
Then, depending on how she reacts, you might remind her that she is welcome to visit her grandchildren in your home, etc., so you're not trying to keep her from seeing them.
Some people with family members who are addicts find Al-Anon and/or ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) to be helpful in getting support from others who have "been there, done that."
Good luck! |
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Fiddlesticks
BucketHead
PeaNut 427,876
June 2009
Posts: 672
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 | Posted: 1/17/2013 9:08:52 PM
Oh man, that is tough. I am sorry. We kind of run into the same thing with my MIL and her drinking. When we talked with her after having DD we were just very short and to the point. I don't remember exactly but we made it clear that we love her and want DD to know her but that for safety reasons she needed to be sober if she wanted to be around DD.
It was really uncomfortable and MIL was hurt but wasn't mad at us. I think she almost expected it in a way, although she never said that.
I am sorry. Good luck. Follow your mama-gut. |
| "Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." Melody Beattie | |
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christinatheisen
Will I ever get to Buckethead?!
PeaNut 501,296
March 2011
Posts: 406
Layouts: 10
Loc: Minnesota
 |  Posted: 1/17/2013 9:18:50 PM
Ugh...I'm sorry. That's such a crappy situation. We deal with the same thing with MIL, and I've been very blunt with her about it. I tried the "nice" route, but it didn't work. Last November, after she left a used lidocaine patch on my end table when my 9 month old was just learning to pull himself up on furniture, that was the last straw. I confronted her about it, and she lied to my face, saying that she wasn't on any pain medications any longer. I said "Really? How about the pain patch I just found in my living room?" Sick. Anyway, good luck. I think you're just going to have to be blunt, and "mean." Tell her that until she is off the pain meds and you can trust her with your kids that she won't be left alone with them. That's what we had to do. GOOD LUCK! | |
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HannahRuth
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 169,795
September 2004
Posts: 2,585
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Loc: Adelaide, Australia
 | Posted: 1/17/2013 9:19:22 PM
Sorry you have to deal with this but imho your kids come first. If by telling yu mom that she cannot look after the children upsets her or threatens your relationship with her so be it.
Nothing and no one - even my mom - would be more important to me than my children.
You are doing the right thing but I don't think it is going to be easy for you. Hugs. | |
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deragirl
PeaAddict
PeaNut 300,444
February 2007
Posts: 1,817
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Loc: Montana
 | Posted: 1/17/2013 9:21:09 PM
I would tell her that the drugs she takes can have an impact on judgment, and you cannot risk that situation. It is a risk too! In our county, if you left your kids with her, CPS would find that a reasonable grounds to take your kids from you and file a petition with the court. |
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worriedparentnchild
PeaNut
PeaNut 577,742
January 2013
Posts: 14
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| Posted: 1/17/2013 9:33:03 PM
Thank you all so much for your responses so far. I'll check in for a while tonight, but I might be quiet on this thread for awhile while I read everyone's advice and take it all in. I really do appreciate it, though.
I tried calling her back a while ago and she didn't pick up. She has a long history of emotional manipulation and I'm sure this will turn into a long and drawn-out drama, as most things seem to do with her.
We are each other's only blood relatives we have contact with so it is so hard to go through this with her knowing I don't have any other blood family to turn to or to have help me through this. Luckily I have an amazing husband and kids, but it is hard not having someone who has lived with this like I have and can support me through this. | |
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BudgetMama
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 138,670
March 2004
Posts: 2,158
Layouts: 2
Loc: Oregon
| Posted: 1/17/2013 9:37:06 PM
We're concerned your medical conditions would make it hard for you to care for children. When you have recovered and are no longer on any medications we can talk about it. | |
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Belia
PeaAddict
PeaNut 503,375
March 2011
Posts: 1,034
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| Posted: 1/17/2013 9:40:14 PM
Come up with a standard line and repeat, repeat, repeat. Keep it very simple- if you lay out a bunch of reasons, then she will argue with them.
You have been given a couple already that I would say like a broken record when mom asks if she can watch your child:
"No. We are not comfortable with your prescription drug use." Period. End of story. No matter what she says next, "No. We're not comfortable with that."
The end. Change the subject. Don't let her suck you in to a debate. | |
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SheWhoPeasAlot
PeaAddict
PeaNut 29,183
February 2002
Posts: 1,854
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Loc: Washington
 | Posted: 1/17/2013 9:40:58 PM
Thats a tough situation but for the safety of your children you have to deal with it. Quite frankly I dont think ANY way you bring it up to her will end well. Its been my experience, she will feel like you are accusing her of being an addict and she doesnt think she has a problem. Especially since she legally is prescribed the medications. Not that it matters but what kind of injury does she have to get morphine? Thats just such a major painkiller to take.
Christinanelson a lidocaine patch is not a narcotic like a fentinol patch. I use lidocaine patches, or used to, for lasting nerve pain after my abdominal surgeries along with marcaine injections. Granted used or not they certainly shouldnt be left laying around, with children around or not. Thats just common sense.
To the op i hope your mil will understand or atleast not cause any problems. Either way,stand your ground. |
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SheWhoPeasAlot
PeaAddict
PeaNut 29,183
February 2002
Posts: 1,854
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Loc: Washington
| Posted: 1/17/2013 9:42:15 PM
Im sorry, not your mil, your mom. |
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RubyRubbler
PEAlicious
PeaNut 457,452
February 2010
Posts: 391
Layouts: 21
Loc: Little Rock, AR
| Posted: 1/17/2013 9:42:39 PM
Unfortunately, I have been where you are. The withdrawals and the whole thing. My kids are no longer "kids", but it addiction is still an issue. Here's how we handled it when they were small: The drugs were prescribed by a doctor for a sort of ailment, right? We used her health issues (bogus or otherwise) as the excuse. Such as: "Mom, I know you are in pain and the kids are such a handful. You've raised your kids, instead of babysitting, why don't we come over next Tuesday evening and I'll bring a cake and we can have a nice visit. Susie can show you her test she got an A on....." And then we redirect the conversation. By handling it as if we are "helping" her, she feels special instead of attacked and defensive. After all, she's still family, even though she's an addict. Good luck to you. I know it's hard. |
Be sure to check out my blog at http://michellezerull.blogspot.com/ | |
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worriedparentnchild
PeaNut
PeaNut 577,742
January 2013
Posts: 14
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| Posted: 1/17/2013 10:16:50 PM
It's making me really sad, too, that now as an adult people are telling me they always knew she had a problem. Why didnt' they do or say something about it 20 years ago? I can't believe I turned out okay.  I've never tried an illegal drug in my life and even when I've been prescribed pain killers, I might take one or two at first then throw them out because I don't like how they make me feel. | |
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Really Red
Pea-ceful and Hap-pea
PeaNut 24,951
November 2001
Posts: 8,176
Layouts: 1
| Posted: 1/17/2013 10:30:24 PM
Because of the possible side effects of your medicine, DH and I aren't comfortable leaving you to care for our children
This is perfect.
You are right. You must always remember that your children depend on you to keep them safe and you have to be responsible for them, just as you are doing. It is sad if it hurts someone's feelings you love, but it's more important to have your child safe.
I had to tell my dad he couldn't drive my kids anymore and in my whole life, it's the only time I ever heard my mom get mad. She told me I didn't understand what it was like not to be able to drive anymore. And I told her I had to think of my kids first. It was HATEFUL and HORRIBLE and never once to this day do I regret doing it. My mother has changed the story anyway, and told me that my dad decided to stop driving and it was his decision. Hah. Whatever she can live with (he has passed away). |
Andrea
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
Helen Keller | |
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ScrapWench*
Seems a pity to miss such a good pudding.
PeaNut 247,139
February 2006
Posts: 18,704
Layouts: 0
Loc: Spokane, WA
| Posted: 1/17/2013 10:32:44 PM
What is her diagnosis? What is the reason she is taking pain meds? |
----Theresa
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IleneTell
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 434,842
August 2009
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| Posted: 1/17/2013 10:33:43 PM
She has a long history of emotional manipulation and I'm sure this will turn into a long and drawn-out drama, as most things seem to do with her
In this case, you need to be up front, clear, direct, and very firm from the beginning.
If you try to go at it from another angle to spare her feelings, it will definitely turn into long and drawn out manipulation. She will sense a weakness there and will try to exploit it. So if you go the route of trying to spare her feelings, you're only engaging in the same dynamic that she always sucks you into, and you're enabling her continued use (by trying to spare her having to face the full consequences of her choices). |
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h*pea*ing
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 231,164
November 2005
Posts: 5,108
Layouts: 8
Loc: Midwest
| Posted: 1/17/2013 10:34:24 PM
I watched a grandmother struggle with prescription drug addiction and alcoholism. Thankfully she was able to overcome them both.
My XH started on a slippery slope when we were married with prescription narcotics and I feel he has fallen down to the bottom of the hill. I fear the times DS has to be over there because I don't know what X has taken for the day as he has several different scripts that make him high as a kite. He, of course, denies any issue. |
~heather~
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worriedparentnchild
PeaNut
PeaNut 577,742
January 2013
Posts: 14
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 1/17/2013 10:42:21 PM
Posted: 1/17/2013 10:32:44 PM
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What is her diagnosis? What is the reason she is taking pain meds?
She had several back surguries about 20 years ago. She had a legitmate injury with several broken discs in her back. I just don't know when or if you are considered healed from this sort of injury. | |
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mishkismom
AncestralPea
PeaNut 163,728
August 2004
Posts: 4,210
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Loc: Connecticut
| Posted: 1/17/2013 11:11:46 PM
Coming from a former drug abuser who has 10 years of clarity I would be blunt. You don't want her to watch your kids. I don't blame you! If anyone had let me watch their kids while I was using I would have thought we were both nuts!
That said if she is an addict and everyone is afraid to confront her (confront may be the wrong word) Then she has no reason to think about it.
I'll be honest and say when the most important person in my life left because of my addiction I figured out I was an addict.
Of course this is about your kids so you might not want to get into it with her. What if she keeps pushing? Would you give in to make her happy?
I'm sorry you are going through this! I can't imagine how hard I was to deal with and have had to deal with addicts in return. It's no fun and never easy. Just stay strong for yourself and your kids. good luck. |
Jan *********************************************
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mytwoandras
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 204,991
May 2005
Posts: 2,902
Layouts: 95
Loc: New Jersey
| Posted: 1/18/2013 12:25:37 AM
I am not a big fighter. I would probably tell her that you aren't comfortable leaving the kids with her because of her drug history, but that you aren't trying to keep the kids away from her. Maybe she can see the kids with you present. |
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ScrapWench*
Seems a pity to miss such a good pudding.
PeaNut 247,139
February 2006
Posts: 18,704
Layouts: 0
Loc: Spokane, WA
| Posted: 1/18/2013 12:52:01 AM
She had a legitmate injury with several broken discs in her back. I just don't know when or if you are considered healed from this sort of injury.
It really depends. One can have chronic pain from that srt of thing, despite surgery.
There is a difference between addiction and abuse. Anybody who takes narcotic for a period of time will become addicted to them, and will go through withdrawal if they don't take them regularly. But, that doesn't mean the reason they are taking them isn't legitimate.
The vast majority of people who take pain meds function normally, without them they would not be able to work, take care of family and their homes, or have any sort of quality of life.
If your mom is taking them and then is overly drowsy or obviously under the influence, I would agree with you that having her watch your children would not be in your children's best interest.
I think her drug use is a separate issue from her manipulaion and other personality shortcomings.
Good luck. |
----Theresa
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pelirroja
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 21,146
September 2001
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UkSue
AncestralPea
PeaNut 428,374
June 2009
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Loc: Greater London
| Posted: 1/18/2013 4:27:25 AM
It is a risk too! In our county, if you left your kids with her, CPS would find that a reasonable grounds to take your kids from you and file a petition with the court.
I was going to post this. Your judgement is sound, but you can't guarantee hers would be all of the time. I really hope you can find a way to broach this with her that leaves your relationship in tact. |
| Love is short, forgetting is long, and understanding longer still. | |
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pelirroja
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 21,146
September 2001
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Loc: Right Here, Right Now
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KatieBPea
PeaFixture
PeaNut 30,940
February 2002
Posts: 3,957
Layouts: 0
Loc: NJ
| Posted: 1/18/2013 5:28:30 AM
I have someone in my extended family who had to do this with a parent, except the issue was alcoholism. I don't know that the issue was ever directly dealt with, though; the parents just kept putting off any offers to watch the child.
I think the approach of 'the side effects of your medication' is a good one and would be prepared for a negative reaction, but as others have said, stay calm and remember that your children's safety is the most important thing. I wish you well. |
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ilovecookies
PeaAddict
PeaNut 506,197
April 2011
Posts: 1,997
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| Posted: 1/18/2013 5:45:45 AM
In this case, you need to be up front, clear, direct, and very firm from the beginning.
This.
Why on earth wouldn't you be blunt when it comes to the well-being of your children? Playing games and pussyfooting around the issue is just going to cause more drama, not less. | |
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ashazamm
BucketHead
PeaNut 217,769
August 2005
Posts: 575
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Loc: NY
| Posted: 1/18/2013 6:34:35 AM
I know someone who this happened to. Her father in law was watching her DD4 and he was left alone with the girl by the mother in law (she went to the store or something) and he ended up falling asleep (pres. drugs) and she wandered out of the house and neighbors found her and police were called, etc. She made it clear to everyone in the family that her DD4 was to never be allowed alone with the father in law. She didn't care if she hurt feelings, this was her daughter. After this incident, not too long ago, she's showed up to have her mother in law babysit and wasn't there. Her father in law was and totally drugged out so she left the house.
This is what could happen if left with a drug user. I wouldn't care if I hurt anyone's feelings, who knows what could happen in the worst case scenario. | |
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Scrappin Bunny
BucketHead
PeaNut 436,594
August 2009
Posts: 913
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Loc: Oklahoma
| Posted: 1/18/2013 7:38:15 AM
It's making me really sad, too, that now as an adult people are telling me they always knew she had a problem. Why didnt' they do or say something about it 20 years ago?
I know it makes you sad. It would me, too. The thing is, you don't know what people did or didn't do 20 years ago when, I assume, you were a child. Also, 20 years ago, things like abuse of Rx drugs was not nearly as well-known AND things like this weren't discussed in the open.
You say you and she are close and your other relatives aren't close. This may be why. And they may have found that it was nearly impossible to get you away from her. Laws have changed A LOT in 20 years.
I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this. Conversations like this are so hard. Knowing you will have to repeat it over and over makes it even harder. You've been given lots of great suggestions, talk them over with your husband. The two of you can come up with a plan and stick together. That will make it easier. | |
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lespea
I Typo & I don't care
PeaNut 270,444
July 2006
Posts: 10,989
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Loc: Here.
| Posted: 1/18/2013 7:40:23 AM
I agree with being upfront. Hold your ground. |
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Onekwa
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 194,574
March 2005
Posts: 2,153
Layouts: 3
Loc: God's Country, NY
| Posted: 1/18/2013 7:54:08 AM
Sorry you are having to face this with your mother. It must be one of the hardest things to do.
I only skimmed some of the other responses, but I agree with the one who said be blunt. It is what it is. She is a drug user and you will not allow your children to be subjected to it.
Have any arrests been made lately for drugs? Here, we have one every week it seems. Their picture goes in the newspaper, on the tv news, etc. Show your mom a picture of someone who has been arrested for drugs and ask her if you should allow that person to watch your kids for you? Hopefully she'll say "no way!" Ask her why not? And again hopefully she'll say "because they are drug users." Then you can say "and that is why I cannot allow you to watch our children." A drug is a drug is a drug. Doesn't matter if they are got off the street or from a trusted doctor. They all still impair judgement and can cause death if used incorrectly.
Good luck! My thoughts are with you! |
~Judy AKA Jazzie~
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Shih Tzu Mommy
Million dollar camera, 10 dollar lock!
PeaNut 224,352
September 2005
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| Posted: 1/18/2013 8:02:15 AM
Just say it. Say Im uncomfortable with your prescription drug use. Period. End of story.
And she will probably try to escalate the situation, toss around blame, through it back on you, deflect, deflect, deflect. But stay calm and stick to yur guns. No one in their right mind would leave a child with smeone with a drug problem.
Agreed! |
Dog people are a special breed! | |
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purplepackrat
AncestralPea
PeaNut 171,221
October 2004
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| Posted: 1/18/2013 8:18:53 AM
I think you tell her the reason. BUT Be prepared for the fallout. She'll be in denial. She'll be defensive. She'll be accusatory.
My mom is in the same sort of situation. We actually got her cleaned out a couple of years ago, but the drugs screw her up mentally so she can't put two and two together about them and the doctors just keep giving her crap. She does need some of what she takes, but then what happens is she'll get the side effects and instead of working with the drug causing them, doctors give her new drugs for the side effects which cause side effects and then more drugs....I'm currently working on a three page list of PRESCRIBED drugs she is on to try to get through to her why she can't sleep, has hallucinations, has no balance, has a totally dry mouth, and is not quite coherent (as in the drugs put her in a juvenile frame of mind - its hard to explain). Thankfully, I got through enough to her to get that list of drugs. When I've figured it out, she's taking my thoughts to her doctors. How sad is that that professional doctors need to be informed by the children of their patients that they are incompetent assholes?
I say all that so you know I'm not talking out of my ass. You can't leave your children alone with your mom, as you know. But she has a problem not entirely of her own making and she still needs to be treated with love and kindness. I also think she needs to be told what up...if not her daughter, who will?
I would sit her down and talk to her not about the kids...but about her addiction. I would have a list of her drugs with me. And I would point out all that are addictive, needed, not needed, etc. Let her know how her addiction affects you, your family, your kids, etc. Tell her who else thinks she has a problem - give examples. Go to doctor's visits with her. She really, truly honestly believes that she needs the drugs because they are prescribed. They really trust their doctors and do not know to question them, kwim? Help her realize she has a problem and then go from there.
Well, that's what I would do. And have done. And am doing...for the third time in 12 years. I get angry about it sometimes, but she's my mom and I love her. But, no, I wouldn't leave my kids (now grandkids) with her, and I would be upfront as to why.
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...that's why they make blue cars and red cars.
Patti | |
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worriedparentnchild
PeaNut
PeaNut 577,742
January 2013
Posts: 14
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| Posted: 1/20/2013 10:27:25 PM
She still won't return my messages.
I'm having a feeling that no matter how nicely I address this situation, I'm going to lose my mom. My only family on my side. | |
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pelirroja
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 21,146
September 2001
Posts: 2,985
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Loc: Right Here, Right Now
| Posted: 1/20/2013 10:39:55 PM
((hugs)). It's heartbreaking but necessary to draw the line. And if your Mom runs and hides from this situation by avoiding contact and calls, then you have your answer right there. May I gently remind you she isn't your only family. You have a husband and kids: they are your family, the family you made, not the family you were born into.
Families aren't always made of people that are genetically similar to you. A family can be your friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc. not just the people who birthed you. Don't compromise doing the right thing to appease someone who has a drug problem. Don't sacrifice the safety, health and welfare of your kids to make sure your Mom isn't angry with you. She's always going to be mad about something if she's dealing with addicition. There's always going to be something you have to do or change to have her in your life. You will be doing all the giving while she'll be doing all the taking. It's not a relationship of equals. It's a vicious cycle.
If she's avoiding you, your Mom has made her addiction a higher priority than a relationship with you. Now that you know exactly where you stand with her, do what you need to do to build a life with what you have rather than mourning what you don't have. It is what it is. This could end up being a blessing even though I know you don't see it that way in this moment in time.
BTDT, I know how conflicted you feel. It gets better. |
Pelly
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IleneTell
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 434,842
August 2009
Posts: 2,427
Layouts: 635
| Posted: 1/20/2013 11:01:18 PM
I'm having a feeling that no matter how nicely I address this situation, I'm going to lose my mom. My only family on my side.
If that's what ends up happening, then she's choosing the meds/drugs over you and the kids. You can't force her to make the right choice. |
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worriedparentnchild
PeaNut
PeaNut 577,742
January 2013
Posts: 14
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 1/27/2013 1:37:38 AM
May I gently remind you she isn't your only family. You have a husband and kids: they are your family, the family you made, not the family you were born into.
I know, and I'm so grateful for my husband and children. I just meant by "on my side" that I don't have any siblings, grandparents, or anyone else who I grew up with. It's just hard when she's the sole blood family I have.
She still has not called me back | |
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astilbelle
PeaNut
PeaNut 366,164
March 2008
Posts: 125
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 1/27/2013 1:49:15 AM
How sad for her to continue to make that choice. As you said before, she is manipulating you by not calling you; don't let guilt change your mind about what is good for your kids.
Have you thought about trying to connect with more distant relatives to keep family connections? Cousins, aunts - maybe go back a generation? They are still family and can help you with the feeling you are losing your connection to the past. | |
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worriedparentnchild
PeaNut
PeaNut 577,742
January 2013
Posts: 14
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 1/27/2013 2:11:39 AM
Thank you, astibelle. I have tried that, but sadly it's not a good option. The reason I grew up without the rest of my family is they are all drug users and criminals. All five of my mom's siblings have addiction issues and every single one has been arrested more than once for these issues. Both of my mothers parents have been arrested multiple times for alcohol abuse criminal behavoir also. My dad skipped out when I was a baby, so no connection there.
I feel like I'm throwing a pity party, but I'm also frustrated that all these adults could never get it together and do what's best for the kids. | |
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TalissaAmity
PeaNut
PeaNut 154,643
June 2004
Posts: 462
Layouts: 0
Loc: Melbourne Australia
| Posted: 1/27/2013 4:12:26 AM
Well done to you for escaping what seems like multigenerational cycle of dysfunction. Your kids will thank you for not exposing them to all that.
All you can do is keep inviting your Mum to join you for family events where you are present with the children, so she feels welcome. Hopefully she will realise she still wants to be a part of you and your children's lives. She's probably just a little hurt at the moment.
You are a great Mum for making your children your first priority. | |
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worriedparentnchild
PeaNut
PeaNut 577,742
January 2013
Posts: 14
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/11/2013 9:06:08 PM
Small update: She still hasn't returned my messages. I tried calling her again tonight and her phone is disconnected | |
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Gynergy
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 225,338
September 2005
Posts: 2,378
Layouts: 418
Loc: Georgia
| Posted: 2/11/2013 9:52:35 PM
You made the right choice, even though it may not feel like it now. I'm sorry you didn't get the parenting that every child deserves, but that is not your fault. You are a good mom who is breaking the cycle. Hang in there! |
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julieberg
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 160,179
July 2004
Posts: 6,447
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/11/2013 10:11:09 PM
She ran out of her prescriptions last month and went into severe detox and I ended up taking her to the ER.
I'm confused as to why she wasn't admitted into a rehab program? Did she just go back to her dr. and he prescribed more meds? Something is really f-d up here. I'm not saying it is your fault, I'm saying something is wrong with the health care system. | |
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IleneTell
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 434,842
August 2009
Posts: 2,427
Layouts: 635
| Posted: 2/11/2013 10:13:44 PM
I'm also frustrated that all these adults could never get it together and do what's best for the kids.
I know you're sad about the situation with your mom and you are worried about her and miss her. And I'm sorry to hear she's treating you this way. But as I quoted your own words - you had no choice but to do this for your kids. Your mom is picking her addiction over you and her grand kids and that is not something you can control |
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BarreP
PeaFixture
PeaNut 46,619
August 2002
Posts: 3,844
Layouts: 42
Loc: Stepford
 | Posted: 2/11/2013 10:42:41 PM
OP, I would strongly suggest that you check out some AlAnon meetings. If you aren't familiar, AlAnon is a group for families of alcoholics and addicts. You can learn some great tools for dealing with a family member who has an addiction, one important one being detachment. You may find that detaching from your mother's drug abuse will provide you with the courage to do right by your children first of all. You will also find many that many group members are struggling with similar situations and you can reason things out with someone who has lived through your circumstances. Best of luck to you - you are in a tough spot. | |
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ramblin72
PeaNut
PeaNut 85,321
May 2003
Posts: 257
Layouts: 73
| Posted: 2/12/2013 3:00:13 AM
the fact you are stressing like you are over her not returning your call is indicative of her manipulation
you are aware she does it but it is hard to see when you are right in the midst of it
do not be manipulated. put it out of your mind, move on and distract yourself from this point on. stop calling her
this is just a general observation about all family members who have to put up with addicts. all the time they treat us like crap, lie, manipulate...tell us we have to accept it
yet when it comes to us having to do something that may hurt their widdle feelings we dance around and worry about the outfall and how hurt they will be
omg it drives me insane lol. and i guess its just part of the enabling
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MerryMom937
PeaFixture
PeaNut 472,567
June 2010
Posts: 3,085
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/12/2013 1:34:59 PM
"When we need you for a babysitter, we'll let you know."
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