Anyone have a narcissistic mother??

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Posted 1/23/2013 by Long ago Barney in NSBR Board
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Long ago Barney
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Posted: 1/23/2013 7:18:00 PM
My day just sorta went to hell today!! Talked to my mom a week ago last Sunday. A very nice conversation for a change so I decided to call today (10days later) which is a bit different not drastic but some.
Anyway she must've been in a pissy mood everything must be my fault all over again. Her extreme hints were driving me nuts. Complaining about how cold they'd been she finally found a repairman to fix her heater who would give her time to pay on the bill. Another hint.

Background is that she has gambled a small fortune away and would most definitely take me with her if I'd allow it. We have borrowed money for them in the past before I knew how bad it all was. Then I wised up. She has borrowed or attempted to borrow from all of my children. Owes me money and owes my oldest son money. So she's had help but long story short as with most narcissists it's never enough!! Just frustrating and wanted to vent. Any input would b nice.



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tallydale
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Posted: 1/23/2013 7:45:18 PM
I had lunch with mine today and found it difficult to find something to talk to her about.
Mine has money issues as well. I hate if when she wants us to refer people for work, etc. because the chances of her paying people are unpredicatable.





Long ago Barney
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Posted: 1/23/2013 7:51:43 PM
That's interesting she has money issues. The friend who enlightened me on the fact that she is a narcissist is married to a narcissist and he has money issues as well. This is the first time I have made this connection.

Totally understand not being able to have a conversation. It's so sad she and I disagree about almost everything. I have determined she is out of touch with reality.


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tallydale
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Posted: 1/23/2013 8:04:47 PM
Well, today a down's syndrome employee came by to take our empty plates. We were not quite done, but the soup bowls were empty and mother told her not to take anything yet and it hurtthe girl's feelings! She never noticed the look on the girl's face, she was so wrapped up in her world.
That is an interesting thing about the money. Never enough...





angievp
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Posted: 1/23/2013 8:37:15 PM
Yes. I have chosen not to have a relationship with her. Our world perspectives are galaxies apart. It just doesn't compute for me, and I decided a LONG time ago to stop trying. Not to say that it doesn't hurt, because it does, in little ways and in big ways. But, she's never going to change, and I'm never going to change to suit her. So there it is.

pennyring
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Posted: 1/23/2013 8:46:07 PM
Hey, you're not alone.

My mom was homeless for awhile because she made bad choice after bad choice and expected me to bail her out. Nope, sorry. You gotta live with your years and years of bad choices. Not my fault, not my problem, and I won't be treated like crap anymore either.

I haven't talked to her for 4 1/2 years. It *is* an option. Eventually, they stop calling, emailing and harassing.

ETA: She's lost 2 homes. One of them -- the mortgage was like $400 a month and she just couldn't swing it! Didn't think she should have to get a job. Wanted to be an artist.

The second one was purchased free and clear. No mortgage. She took out a mortgage to pay off credit cards and GO TO HAWAII for two weeks. Because that's a necessity.



Long ago Barney
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Posted: 1/23/2013 8:57:15 PM
Wow another one with financial problems!!! This is quite interesting!


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ireneR
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Posted: 1/23/2013 8:57:53 PM
I have opted not to speak to my NM and its the best decision for me. I tried setting boundaries but she got worse in her treatment of me. I can't change her but as most narcissist think they don't need changing.


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Long ago Barney
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:01:46 PM
Who contacts who. My mom will rarely call me. If I didn't call there might not b contact and actually I don't mind not I am in control of it. She is almost 83 and my dad is 88 so I do worry about them.


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Deena714
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:02:21 PM

I have opted not to speak to my NM and its the best decision for me. I tried setting boundaries but she got worse in her treatment of me. I can't change her but as most narcissist think they don't need changing.


Same. Best (and hardest) decision I have made is to distance myself from my mom. Though my therapist thinks she is probably more histrionic than narcissistic.

My parents have financial issues as well, which is interesting that it seems to be a theme.


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angela1422
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:03:38 PM
Get the book "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend.

And yes, things will get worse before they get better. But that's why the boundaries are there - so you can say that if they continue being crazy you'll hang up/leave/etc!




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Canon Girl
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:15:56 PM
Is it only mothers that are narcissistic?

I know that sounds like a dumb question but it seems that mothers are the most talked about with this condition. I'm fairly certain that my father would fit in this category. What are the most common traits? What would be a reliable source of info about it?


Thanks

Long ago Barney
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:23:52 PM
My BFF is married to one. I think there r a ton of male narcissistically. Because we still live in a mans world IMO I think their characteristics r often masked. But that's just my o p


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Long ago Barney
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:27:41 PM
My BFF is married to a male narcissistic. IMO because we live in a mans world they blend in a bit more and the characteristics r masked. I don't know if there r any stats but have always had the idea there were actually more men narcissists than women.


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MonicaB
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:35:59 PM
I have a narcissistic mother. It sucks. Just over 3 years ago I cut off all contact because I had enough of the drama. She calls me every year about a week before Christmas to beg me to forgive her. I avoid her calls for a couple of days and then finally pick up and tell her to leave me alone. Makes for a festive Christmas season! She was a witch to me for so very long...I just can't deal with her brand of crazy anymore.

My narcissistic mother doesnt have money problems though. In fact, I think she has quite a lot of it. Sometimes I think my brother is crazy for putting up with her craziness, but then I think he's one smart cookie for dealing with her because he's going to inherit all of it. Good for him, I guess. I can't do it, that's for sure. Life is too short to make myself so miserable dealing with her and I have 3 kids who need me to be healthy physically and mentally. I owe that to them.



IleneTell
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Posted: 1/23/2013 10:05:25 PM

What are the most common traits? What would be a reliable source of info about it?


There you go:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder




angievp
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Posted: 1/23/2013 10:11:12 PM

Is it only mothers that are narcissistic?


Nope. My "father" is the male equivalent of my mother. The only difference is that he was able to retain his wealth whereas she did not.

He was a serial "husband," and for a while a bigamist. I must say that he did raise his 3 sons. I have not spoken one word to him since I was 15 years old, and before that, I saw him when I was about 7 years old. A couple of years back he made it known he wanted a relationship with us because now "they can understand why I had to abandon them." Yeah, right asshole.


mypixiegirl
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Posted: 1/23/2013 10:15:58 PM
I never struggle with what to talk about with my mother. I just have to say a few words and she will interrupt me to talk about herself.
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ScrampingMomof3
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Posted: 1/23/2013 10:18:09 PM
Wow!

Didn't realize that I had so many sisters!

TalissaAmity
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Posted: 1/23/2013 10:38:15 PM
My Mum is fine, it is her mother that was a narcissist, well a sociopath really.

What about the trait of always being late, I'm curious to see if that applies to any of your patents?

tallydale
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Posted: 1/23/2013 11:26:33 PM
Yes! My mom was always late!!! I waited on her over two hours to go shopping for my wedding dress. By the time she got there, I was so mad, I didn't even want to go.

As for contact--she calls me. All the time. I rarely ever call her and most of the time when she calls, I do not answer. I deal with her just as much as I have to in order to be a respectful daughter. At least that is what I am trying to do.





pennyring
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Posted: 1/23/2013 11:28:53 PM

What about the trait of always being late, I'm curious to see if that applies to any of your patents?


Not my mom, no. But it is just another "controlling" tactic. Making everyone wait for you. No concern for anyone else.






pennyring
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Posted: 1/23/2013 11:32:00 PM

As for contact--she calls me. All the time. I rarely ever call her and most of the time when she calls, I do not answer. I deal with her just as much as I have to in order to be a respectful daughter. At least that is what I am trying to do.


Yeah, I tried that until mine ruined my birthday one year. I don't need to be called fat because I'm hungry and eating the FOOD YOU PROVIDED ON MY BIRTHDAY.

Afterward, I went back to work and cried at my desk all afternoon. That's when I decided, fuck her, I'm not speaking to her ever again. I'm not giving her the power to ruin another birthday.



wholarmor
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Posted: 1/24/2013 2:33:02 AM
My MIL is narcissistic. She doesn't have money issues- except that she is a tight wad.


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TalissaAmity
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Posted: 1/24/2013 2:42:07 AM
Pennyring, that is terrible.

Tallydale, that is just horrible. You poor thing. Maybe she couldn't handle you being the centre of attention.

My Mum told me that when she was a teenager, when she would get ready for a party, my Nanna would always find some reason to ground her, some small unimportant transgression. Then at the last minute my Nan would say that she could go, but it was always after my Mums lift had gone, or the party was half way through, and so she couldn't go. Just really cruel stuff.

My Mum also said that her Mother never once told her she looked pretty.

Nan always had some kind of tantrum at every family event so the spotlight was on her, and always after she was over an hour late so we would all have to wait for her. My Mum and her two sisters and brother put up with this terrible behaviour for years. I wonder now why they did it. In some ways I'm kind of resentful that we the grandchildren had to put up with it.

TalissaAmity
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Posted: 1/24/2013 2:43:12 AM
Long ago Barney, my Nan also had money issues as she had a gambling problem.

lynlam
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Posted: 1/24/2013 6:08:57 AM
I feel your pain. My mother was terribly narcissistic and self medicated with alcohol. Our relationship was nearly shredded by the time she died in July.
If it weren't for my dad, my mother would have been flat broke. She spent money like crazy and would have spent every day in a casino if she could have. She played the lottery all the time too.

She was also perpetually late as well. Never super late, but always 15-30min. Drove me up a wall. I think that's why I am so controlling in the opposite direction...being even a minute late sends me into a panic, I swear.

My sister has picked up moms narcissism I fear. She is an alcoholic (in recovery though) and has absolutely no ability to arrive on time anywhere. She nearly ruined my christmas eve this year, arriving 4 hours later than she was supposed to. She also fancies herself a big time poker player.

So yes, I see a pattern here....





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Shih Tzu Mommy
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Posted: 1/24/2013 7:24:08 AM
She sounds more like a gambling addict than a narcissistic mother. Sounds like she is in denial. I cannot imagine a grandparent borrowing from a grandchild!



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TREZmom
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Posted: 1/24/2013 7:36:33 AM
I have one of those. We pretty much cut ties last year. This suits me just fine.

Deena714
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Posted: 1/24/2013 7:42:32 AM

What about the trait of always being late, I'm curious to see if that applies to any of your patents?


Not my mom, no. But it is just another "controlling" tactic. Making everyone wait for you. No concern for anyone else.


Same here. My mom is chronically early. Like 60-90 minutes early for things. She gets panicked if she's not more than 30 minutes early.


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Flypea1
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Posted: 1/24/2013 8:52:16 AM
My SD's bio mom fits this description especially with the money problems. She never wanted to work and now she lives off the child support she gets. Which is ending soon I think she will just mooch of her kids the rest of her life. Her daughters love her so much but she treats them terribly. They just can't set boundaries with her.

Flypea1
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Posted: 1/24/2013 8:52:16 AM
My SD's bio mom fits this description especially with the money problems. She never wanted to work and now she lives off the child support she gets. Which is ending soon I think she will just mooch of her kids the rest of her life. Her daughters love her so much but she treats them terribly. They just can't set boundaries with her.

giatocj
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Posted: 1/24/2013 8:57:22 AM
OH YES...and unfortunately she lives with us because she is unable to take care of herself, both financially and physically. It is not a good situation, to say the least, but we try to make the best of it, which is very, very difficult at times.

Quinlove
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Posted: 1/24/2013 8:58:02 AM
My xdh is a true narcissistic, my children's father, and my oldest dd married a narcissistic man too. Their individual traits are different, one provided for their children, dd's does not, but it is all about them. Gradiose big time. Makes the rest of my family so sad to see dd in the situation. I kinda blame myself.




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Posted: 1/24/2013 9:42:17 AM
Havent you started this same thread like 3,000 times?



IScrapCrap
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Posted: 1/24/2013 9:58:48 AM
Does it seem like they can be very two faced? To extended friends and family they seem wonderful?. To immediate family you see their true colors? I have a family member that has constant posts on facebook that does not match their actions in real life.

Do they ever admit to their faults? Even when we have proven by e-mail or text (their written words) what this person has done, a lot of my family still looks the other way.

Long ago Barney
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Posted: 1/24/2013 10:03:42 AM
Yubon probably not 3000 times but several times for sure. And I ALWAYS get good feedback. And I always learn something new. A few times a year it really helps me cope. Maybe others-so if it bugs you don t open it. I'm not going quit and last time I checked you didn't "own" the board.


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Long ago Barney
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Posted: 1/24/2013 10:08:18 AM
Yubon probably not 3000 times but several times for sure. And I ALWAYS get good feedback. And I always learn something new. A few times a year it really helps me cope. Maybe others-so if it bugs you don t open it. I'm not going quit and last time I checked you didn't "own" the board.


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Onekwa
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Posted: 1/24/2013 10:20:22 AM
I love my mom, but yes, she is narcissistic at times. I have to keep track of my blood pressure, and she has a bp monitor. So I went there the other night after work. My doctor's appointment was the next day. Took my numbers, and it was fairly high. She took hers after me, and hers was even higher. I told her about my appointment the next day to go over my bloodwork and stuff. She told me to tell my doctor about her readings. I said I could, but what would be better is for her to make an appointment and tell the doctor herself. She said she was too busy. Um, I am too, but I made the time. Her: Besides, it would take too long to get an appointment.

Yeah, but it would take longer if you don't make one now. Besides, the doctor can't discuss her case with me anyways, so what would be the point of telling the doc about her readings? Basically, it was her way to make my doctor's visit and my problems all about her. It's been like that forever. I try not to get irritated with her, but sometimes I am definitely exasperated.





pynk E

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Posted: 1/24/2013 11:16:12 AM
Yes. I visited with my mother at Christmas after not seeing her for 18 months. In that time I have been seeing a psychologist to help me understand my mother's narcissism. I was able to not get drawn in when she baited me in conversation. It ended as a very nice visit.

creativechicky
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Posted: 1/24/2013 11:43:41 AM
I have a narcissistic FIL who was living with us until recently. It's always about him and he can't stand to see anyone else get attention. My inlaws don't have a house or any form of retirement. They basically planned for their children to be their retirement policies. He doesn't see anything wrong with that and feels that it is owed to him.

He would up and leave me with my MIL who wears diapers for most of the day and wouldn't bother to tell me he was leaving.

When they moved in with us back in July, he suggested that we build a room for him and MIL downstairs even though we already had a bedroom for them.

He wanted to ride DH's bike around for exercise. He said the seat was too high and wanted DH to saw off the bike's post to lower the seat for him.

He would use my MIL as a pawn for attention or a way to control us. Waking us up in the middle of the night to check MIL's diaper. It was exhausting. It's like he's a grown up spoiled brat. When he asks for something, he expects you to drop everything to get it for him.

He goes to the doctor for everything also. He would have at least 1 or 2 doctor visits a week. Oh, I'm going to the doctor for this itchy scalp problem. I'm going to the Urgent Care for a bandage change.

I can't/refuse to live with him anymore. I tried but I'm not willing to give up my life to please him. Not that he could ever be pleased!

Sorry, I didn't mean to take over the thread.

I think having a narcissistic mother would be worse though. You can never please a narcissist. They suck the life out of you too!

mikklynn
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Posted: 1/24/2013 12:45:34 PM
My MIL has narcissistic tendencies. She never acknowledges receiving gifts or flowers we send her. But, she'll bitch endlessly about NOT receiving a thank you note from others.

She never calls my DH, even though he is fighting his 3rd recurrence of cancer. It's all about how his illness affects her.

Last winter she came back to MN with us from her winter home in AZ. We were to help her close up the house and give her a lift to Phoenix. She booked a later flight to save a few dollars, meaning we had to sit around the MSP airport at midnight waiting for her.

She is good with money, thank God.


Lynn



LollaPEAlooza
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Posted: 1/24/2013 12:58:06 PM
My mother sold the diamond ring my grandmother left me and she spent all the money, too. It wasn't even hers. And she has run up her credit cards until it will take the entire sale of her house to pay them when she dies. And she sold everything else my grandmother left. She's a piece of work. And she spent every penny on junk for herself...not bills or medicine. And she expects everyone to come and do her housework and bring her meals and take her out. Fat chance. She can sit and spin.

Long ago Barney
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Posted: 1/24/2013 5:35:12 PM
Thx for input everyone. It helps me to Cope partly because unless you have actually dealt with a narcissistic you don't really get it- it sounds sorta trivial but trust me they are toxic. I found the similarities interesting.


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Long ago Barney
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Posted: 1/24/2013 6:45:20 PM
Pynk e do u mind sharing how u avoid her baiting?? Thx


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pynk E

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Posted: 1/24/2013 8:58:59 PM


Pynk e do u mind sharing how u avoid her baiting?? Thx






I stayed in the moment so I had could hear what was said instead of zoning out behind a wall and being on the defensive. When she asked if I moved my furniture just for their visit or did I actually always have it this way I just replied that it was always this way and then changed the subject. When she was telling how stranded she was, living 2 hours from the city, when my dad was having a hip replacement and my 2 brothers had to take turns driving her into the city I just nodded but didn't engage.

I started looking at my mother's narcissism in the same way I look at my sons' autism. She suffered this narcissistic injury when she was 7 in WWII. Her father was taken away (she was daddy's little girl) and her mother shipped her off to a childless aunt while her older sister stayed with mom. So, though her behavior can be very inappropriate and hurtful she can not help it any more than my sons can help their behavior. I mean she could change it with extensive therapy but at 76 I don't think she has enough time left in her life.

I have not visited with her since. When she was leaving she asked how she could get a hold of me in case of an emergency. I said email me. Two days later she left a voice message. She doesn't understand boundaries so I have to be strict in managing them. She cannot comprehend that I can't just drop my life to come to her beck and call. She downplays my sons autism saying having a child with asthma is much harder. My brother's asthma was resolved before he was 5yo.

My mother likes to spend money but my dad keeps her in check so they don't have major money issues.

My parents are notorious for being late. Drives me nuts! If we have dinner reservations for 7 they may show up by 7:30.

Mallie
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Posted: 1/24/2013 9:07:35 PM
My father was a narcissist. One of the best choices I made in life was to cut him out of mine. I had no emotional reaction when he died either because I'd been done with him for so long it was as if some old acquaintance that I didn't much like had passed away.

I have no regrets about cutting him out of my life and heart. I'd do it again in a heartbeat, especially when I see an old friend of mine whose father is exactly the same and the anxiety, stress and problems she has from dealing with his constant demands, lack of boundaries, financial problems, etc. She keeps saying she "wishes" she could cut him out like I did with my father, but she's been unable to make that leap to safety at this time.

Eleezybeth
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Posted: 1/24/2013 9:23:27 PM
I know this thread has been posted "3000 times" but every time I am refreshed that others get it. It is the little things that add up. One event, when isolated, seems so small but then they start stacking up.

My mom doesn't have money issues per se but she tries to use money as a manipulator. If you have money is should be hers, if you don't have money she will save you (and you know what that will cost...)

Long ago Barney
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 141,410
April 2004
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Loc: Arizona

Posted: 1/24/2013 9:50:54 PM
Thx everyone! It seems in the past I have noticed many narcissistic parents will not call the children. The children have been trained and are expected to call them. Which I do. Then I can control how long we talk when i call etc. generally she makes some remark about why I haven't etc but I ignore it. Been busy whatever. She will call my kids though except my daughter. Of course my daughter won't answer.


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azredhead34
peaintheheat

PeaNut 2,698
February 2000
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Loc: Mesa, Arizona

Posted: 1/24/2013 10:19:18 PM
My moms not so bad but it totally depends on her mood. She's been really good lately. It's more Dh's sister and only sibling. She's THE WORST. She's very much like your mom. She only calls DH when she needs something. She is in dire financial messes all the time. It's a really long complicated mess and MIL lives with her. SIL's been living off of MIL SS. We had to finally distance our selves much to Dh's heartache and stress. We only have a relationship with SIL as long as MIL is still alive. MIL has lots medical needs and very depending on SIL and so SIL feels like it's her money. (MIL SS I mean). It gets very complicated and aggravating. I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every time she calls because it's always something she needs or some kind of crisis. It's been quiet since Christmas (knock on wood) There's lots of other stuff with SIL but I won't get into on here it would take to long to type it all out.
I feel your pain. It's hard when they are family and not to have those toxic relationships in your life.



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