Christian Mama Peas - How to discipline my 12yo DD???
Post ReplyPost New TopicPosted 1/23/2013 by amybaby in NSBR Board
 

amybaby
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Posted: 1/23/2013 8:42:21 PM
Thanks for all of the advice already. I appreciate it.

Amy

~Helen~
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Posted: 1/23/2013 8:50:59 PM
I'd delete the account and regularly check the ipod...but I'm not Christian.

lovestorun

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Posted: 1/23/2013 8:51:26 PM
If she can't use it responsbily and per your terms, I don't think taking it away is a bad thing. She bought the iPod, but you buy her internet access. Taking away the iPod takes away her ability to Instagram.

scorPEAo
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Posted: 1/23/2013 8:52:54 PM

I'd delete the account and regularly check the ipod...but I'm not Christian.



Thanks for the laugh. I'm not Christian either, so I had no business opening this thread.



amybaby
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Posted: 1/23/2013 8:53:24 PM
Thanks. I agree with taking it away, just not sure for how long. And I added Christian to my heading to hopefully just find some like-minded peas - but I appreciate the help from anyone who can help me. Thanks!!


~Amy~

"I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to my death your right to say it." --Voltaire

***Kate***
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Posted: 1/23/2013 8:55:06 PM
The account would be gone and passwords would be changed- anytime she wanted to use it, she would need to see DH or myself.



**cindyupnorth**
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Posted: 1/23/2013 8:56:53 PM
I'm sort of offended at the Christian moniker..I mean..ok..so if I'm not a christian, I don't have any good advice for you? Why do I have to be a christian to give good mother advice??
Like minded?? like...WTH??? so those that arn't christians are ok with lying.
Yea..no advice..just cuz I'm cranky like this tonight.






amybaby
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Posted: 1/23/2013 8:56:59 PM
Kate, I like that idea. How long would you do that for? She's always been very responsible with it and very appropriate. Ii don't want to be so harsh that I push her in the opposite direction since she has always done so well.


~Amy~

"I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to my death your right to say it." --Voltaire

gryroagain
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Posted: 1/23/2013 8:58:01 PM
I had no idea about the 13 rule! My 11 year old DD has one and it is ALL the rage with her dance friends. Shed be lost without instagram, lol. What I mean is- she probably felt great pressure to have an account, like every other preteen in America. She was wrong to make one again, without you knowing. But more important than punishing the deception is getting to her heart, why she felt pressured, how to swim against the tide of peer pressure, to stand by her familys values. Use this as an opportunity to discuss those things, that are so important going into the teen years.

I'm not christian either, by the way, I hope that's ok.



I love my dds instagram account because I follow all her followers, so I can see what she is doing at sleepovers, etc- this dumb kids take a gazillion pictures of themselves constantly. It's like a surveillance camera they don't even know about!

pennyring
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Posted: 1/23/2013 8:59:02 PM
What does being Christian have to do with any of this?

I would take away the ipod for a few weeks. Make her delete the new Instagram account. Inform her there will be random checks. Then start making them "randomly" happen at least a couple of times a week for the first month after she gets the ipod back.




amybaby
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:04:24 PM
gryroagain, Thanks for saying pretty much exactly what I'm feeling. I appreciate it. Yes, that's exactly it. It's a social outlet for her and honestly, I don't have a problem with Instagram. But if THEY have a 13yo rule, then she needs to follow that. And yes, I love to see her & her friends on it - they are great, silly kids, and I can know a lot of what they are doing by using it, too!


~Amy~

"I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to my death your right to say it." --Voltaire

shannon_scraps
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:07:56 PM
I would change the wifi password and then sit down and have a talk about trust. I would tell her she broke that trust and she would need to work back to that and until then she would have to come to me or her father to put in the password to be able to use the Internet at all. I would probably do it for a month unless I caught her lying about something else.


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my.unquiet.mind
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:08:27 PM
I would do some research and possibly have her read some news stories and articles that deal with young people who have gone behind their parents backs and opened secret accounts on things like Instagram, FB, etc., and how the outcomes in some of those cases ended up being quite tragic.

That way, I could make the talk about more than just the specific circumstance that you're addressing...you could broaden it to include the fact that the Internet can be a dangerous place for people of all ages, not just young people. I'd want my dd to understand that I was acting out of love and concern for her safety, and that she has broken your trust by lying to you and creating another account.

I guess I would just want to use the situation to not only emphasize that she has broken my trust by going behind my back, but also to remind her that there is a reason that sites have age limits for their users.



***Kate***
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:13:58 PM
I think a month or so is fair, assuming she understands and accepts the consequences of her actions. Whining and fussing extends consequences in our house. We are not "loud" parents- we don't yell, or berate, or constantly reiterate what went wrong. We would be disappointed, verbalize that and why we felt that way. Once the month was up, there would be a conversation about expectations with the ipod, and an understanding of what another occurance of broken trust would mean- loss of the ipod.




amybaby
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:18:29 PM
Thank you, Nightowl. I knew there was a reason I've always liked you.


~Amy~

"I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to my death your right to say it." --Voltaire

chocluver
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:36:30 PM
Being Jewish myself, I will admit that I chuckled when I read the "Christian Mama Peas". I'm going to add my couple of observations even though I was not asked. First, there is something called "universal values". Those are values that are universal to this country and hopefully world (although we know that is sometimes untrue). Honesty, integrity, responsibility are a few to name. I can't speak for those who thought it "odd" or "unusual" that amybaby ask for responses from Christian Mama Peas but maybe she felt a certain kinship towards people like herself. Christian Mama Peas may have offered a level of comfort that amybaby wasn't sure she would get from others. Second, I don't always think that religions besides my own (Jewish) can answer all of life's questions that I may have. My questions could range from "How do you think my jewish mother in law will react when I tell her that . . ." to "What's a good side dish to serve with a New York style corned beef sandwich?" Different cultures/religions have different answers for questions. Does this make any sense???

Legacy Girl
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:38:57 PM
Those of us who are Christians generally seek to live our lives according to Biblical principles. Discipline of our children is one of the principles we base on Scripture. If you are not a Christian, you most likely do not consider Scriptural truth when determining a plan of action.

I don't know the OP, but I would guess that this is the reason that she asked for a Christian perspective on discipline. To criticize her for seeking advice from others who view the world as she does seems unnecessary.

BTW, I think this type of issue occurs here on Two Peas quite frequently. If a Pea is into attachment parenting or co-sleeping or breastfeeding or any number of other issues, she may want advice from like-minded parents. And why shouldn't she? She has a right to parent the way she chooses and to accept advice from others who understand her preferences and parent according to the philosophies she holds dear. Why should it upset or offend me that she specifically ask for feedback from others who share those same philosophies?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


batya
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:42:28 PM
For heaven's sake. OP did not imply anything about anyone else being honest or not or having parenting skills or not. She wants people who are likeminded Christianly. As a Jewish person who also teaches values similar to what she is teaching I am not the least offended by her post. And I think she is very smart and gracious to rise above the posts attacking her. She is being very 'Christian by example' in my very Jewish opinion.

She had no bad intent and I think you know it. She never made anyone feel that their response was not welcome. But she was asking for certain people to give answers couching them in a 'language' she and her family 'recognize' so to speak.

The same way my family talks a lot of about mitzvot and tikkun olam. And I know and expect Jewish parents will sometimes phrase things a certain way. Sometimes, I think peas just like to pounce on other peas. Good for Amy not falling into the trap.



OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.




ratqueen
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:45:10 PM

Those of us who are Christians generally seek to live our lives according to Biblical principles. Discipline of our children is one of the principles we base on Scripture. If you are not a Christian, you most likely do not consider Scriptural truth when determining a plan of action.


Which is fine if you're talking about dating or revealing pictures or whatever.

But we're talking about an iPod. And Instagram. this is not earth-shattering or faith related.

I have other suggestions, but I'm not the right religion so I'll keep them to myself.



IleneTell
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:47:13 PM
Legacy Girl...are there some sort of Christian values that speak to things like being honest and instagram accounts that those of us who aren't Christian couldnt possibly understand or comment on?

Examples about things like co-sleeping are different since it's a specific philosophy that the person subscribes to that others might not agree with.

I think most people can comment on raising your kids to be honest and not open accounts online illegally, whether they're Christian or not.




IleneTell
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:48:34 PM

I have other suggestions, but I'm not the right religion so I'll keep them to myself.


And that too.



ScrapnGranny
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:50:54 PM
Hold on a minute......I'll go get Mrs. Tyler, she is official word on all things Christain.


Janet

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jodster70
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:51:54 PM
OP, I think Kate's idea is really good too.


Peas, don't be so hard on her for putting "Christian". Obviously we all know that good parents regardless of faith discipline their children. I think she's just wondering if there's a sort of Christian angle that she might want to incorporate.




I agree with this. Well said. Many times as Christians we talk about why God wants us to act a certain way, etc., to our kids.

If I were to ask the same thing, it would NOT be because I thought non-Christians all have bad morals and aren't good parents. There are many parents who I admire from this very board who aren't Christians. It would be because I specifically wanted to approach that particular problem from a Christian POV.


**Jody**

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Patrick Henry

Mallie
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Posted: 1/23/2013 9:58:14 PM


It would be because I specifically wanted to approach that particular problem from a Christian POV.
How would a Christian pov about a kid lying be different from that of a non-Christian?

CountryHam
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Posted: 1/23/2013 10:02:26 PM

But we're talking about an iPod. And Instagram. this is not earth-shattering or faith related.


No but I highly doubt a non christian would suggest
to sit down and look at scriptures related to lying
and how it affects our relationship with God and with
each other.

chocluver
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Posted: 1/23/2013 10:10:23 PM
Maybe a Christian point of view on lying would have the child talk to their clergy about lying or make them go to confession. Certainly there are many religions that do not do that.

Legacy Girl
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Posted: 1/23/2013 10:32:01 PM
Do non-Christians talk to their kids about the fact that sin separates us from God, and that sinful behavior impacts our relationship with Him? Do they talk about the ***Biblical*** steps that must be taken to restore the relationship with Him when sin has occurred? And do they talk about the ***Biblical*** steps involved in facing down these types of temptation in the future?

In our family, we would not address this solely as an issue of "what Annie did with her Instagram accounts," but rather as a lesson in how to best live out the Christian life that God has called us to. And those best equipped to speak to those issues are God himself and others who share our beliefs.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


BudgetMama
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Posted: 1/23/2013 10:34:53 PM
I would probably take her ipod away from her until she turns 13.
I might make her memorize some verses about lying, trust, foolish decisions, or honoring parents inbetween now and then.
Yes, I'm a Christian mom, but I'm not thinking of a huge "faith based" angle on this. She broke trust, now she loses the item.
It's actually a good time for a lesson like this - an ipod is relatively painless as opposed to a car or boyfriend or other larger "trust issue". Play it hard, mom, so hopefully you won't be teaching this lesson again at 15, 16, 17...

kfad
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Posted: 1/23/2013 10:49:54 PM
Not a Christian. But my faith teaches right speech. That includes not lying.
Lying involves a loss of trust. And maybe that might be a more important thing to brooch. Now you, her mother, cannot trust her as you did.


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Belia
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Posted: 1/23/2013 11:04:39 PM

She's always been very responsible with it and very appropriate.


How do you know that this is the only time your daughter has done something like this? Maybe this is the only time you've caught her.

At first blush, I would probably take the iPod completely away for at least a month, then heavily monitor usage for at least another month, then taper off restrictions after that. But I'm going just off my gut, here.


cmpeter
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Posted: 1/23/2013 11:12:04 PM
Another non-Christian mom chiming in, so feel free to take my advice with a grain of salt.

The big issue for me would be the loss of trust. We would renew a discussion about why trust is important. I know my 12 year old values being able to trust and count on me. I need to be able to count on her. Especially as she gets older and starts to do more and more things independently. I would tell her how disappointed I was that she could so easily lie to me. She would lose her iPod for 2-4 weeks, depending on how the conversation went...fess up and apologize would get 2 weeks. Continue to lie or make excuses, get 4 weeks. During that time she also wouldn't be able to do things like stay at home alone when I went to the store, go over to a friends house, etc...things that required me to trust her would be severely curtailed.


Cindi

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Posted: 1/24/2013 1:03:49 AM
I'm with Nightowl and CMPeter. The trust issue is a big thing for me. And I'm pretty sure that both kids tried to sneak something by me in that 7th grade year.

We had a lot of talks about trust. About living by God's word and obeying. When I'm trying to decide how to handle a big situation like this, I tell my kids I need to pray about it. And then I do just that! But I try to tie in a logical consequence. Losing the iPod is one, but the loss of trust is definitely another. Staying home alone was still a big deal at that age, and I might just have a trip or two to the store this week, coincidentally during a TV program or a time that inconvenient for them. They need to earn your trust back.

And I would talk to them about how I want our family to live and function. How important trust is in that relationship, about how home should be a safe place to land, not a source of anxiety or stress.

I would also throw in a lecture on integrity. About how a person of good character acts. Even when no one is watching. Because God is watching and we want to please him.

I would keep the initial talk to about 15 minutes and try to gauge how repentant my child seemed. And I would pay attention over the next few months to see that that child was walking down the right path again.


Michelle
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jodster70
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Posted: 1/24/2013 1:39:13 AM

How would a Christian pov about a kid lying be different from that of a non-Christian?


CountryHam said it for me:


No but I highly doubt a non christian would suggest
to sit down and look at scriptures related to lying
and how it affects our relationship with God...


Also, Nightowl's & cmpeter's comments about trust were very good.

Batya: Great post!





**Jody**

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gar
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Posted: 1/24/2013 1:45:40 AM

Those of us who are Christians generally seek to live our lives according to Biblical principles. Discipline of our children is one of the principles we base on Scripture. If you are not a Christian, you most likely do not consider Scriptural truth when determining a plan of action.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Which is fine if you're talking about dating or revealing pictures or whatever.

But we're talking about an iPod. And Instagram. this is not earth-shattering or faith related.

I have other suggestions, but I'm not the right religion so I'll keep them to myself


Yeah, like Cindyupnorth I must have woken up cranky this morning because my response was going to be that although I have raised two honest, kind, successful, trustworthy young women I can't possibly offer any suggestions because I'm not Christian.


Hold on a minute......I'll go get Mrs. Tyler, she is official word on all things Christain.


And that did make me smile



"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."

Stephen Roberts


PghScrapper
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Posted: 1/24/2013 5:10:49 AM
The degree of punishment is a decision only you can make - take the options presented and filter them through your vision, making sure that whatever it is, it is something you can follow through to the end.

As others have said, this is a trust issue. One thing we tried to teach our son is that it takes a long time to establish trust and credibility with others, and only a second to rip apart all of the good work. We explained that privileges would be given to him as he got older based on trust and honesty he demonstrates to us. Bottom line: if he did something wrong and fessed up, the punishment was far less severe than if he tried to lie or fake his way out of something. We also made sure that we did everything possible to keep our communications lines open - to allow him to bring difficult situations/questions to our attention knowing we'd listen to him and value his opinions. The two go hand in hand I think.

Another thing to realize: your DD is extremely "normal" for the age. Kids are testing independence and boundaries at the tween and teen years. Staying firm to your values, while allowing your fledglings to test their wings is difficult but these are really important developmental years for our kids!


-----------------------------------------
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. -Eleanor Roosevelt

Kelpea
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Posted: 1/24/2013 5:25:04 AM
Devil-worshiper checking in...



I kid, I kid!

Follow-through at this age is essential, and making the punishment fit the crime is as well. And I'm a little more hard core than some Peas; I would have no problem showing my kid all the stories about pervs who worm their way into children's FB pages. My girlfriend just checked her daughter's "friends" list and was ASTOUNDED to find a 25 year-old MAN had friended not only her daughter, but about 20 of her daughter's friends, as well. Man, oh man.



Kelpea
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Posted: 1/24/2013 5:38:13 AM

Legacy Girl...are there some sort of Christian values that speak to things like being honest and instagram accounts that those of us who aren't Christian couldnt possibly understand or comment on?


Yes. I believe there are references to Instagram in Ecclesiastes...



Christine58
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Posted: 1/24/2013 5:40:08 AM
Confront her about lying and take the ipod. Doesn't matter who bought it, she lied and went behind your back.



Some people only dream of angels, I have held one in my arms.





momstime
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Posted: 1/24/2013 6:01:43 AM
I know this...if you use the Bible to punish her (force her to memorize verses, berate her with repetitive reciting, etc) you may not have a Christian adult daughter. Be careful there. In my opinion, the Bible should be shared in moments of quiet teaching, as a reminder of our faith...not drilled in moments of anger, frustration and mistrust.

Your best bet would be to focus on the importance of trust/being trustworthy. I heard a wonderful sermon about this topic. The pastor used a tube of toothpaste to illustrate the point. Our level of trust can be equated to a tube of toothpaste (the paste being our trust)...trust is easy to squeeze out, but try and put it back and it will take you a very long time, if it's even possible. You might get a travel size tube and show her. When it's in the hand, it's in the mind.

You might also want to speak with her about bouncing her ideas off of you first. My nineteen year old daughter tells me EVERYTHING. She always has...sometimes TOO much information. The key to this is to just let her talk it out...find her inner voice, so to speak. I would listen to her plans to do this or that without reaction. When she was finished talking, I would ask her if she thinks it is the right thing to do and why or why not. I ask her if she would be proud that she did such and such if (grandma/person she respects) knew about it. You could throw out the "what would Jesus do?" or "How would Jesus feel about this?"

Good luck. You are on a precipice here. Tread carefully. My daughter had friends whose parents shut down accounts, took this or that away for various lengths of time, forbid this and that only to have girls who got sneakier, and sneakier having multiple facebooks, cell phones with bills sent to friend's homes...and WORSE.





MommaHo
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Posted: 1/24/2013 6:17:23 AM
A lie is a lie - have a 'Cosby' (teaching) moment with her after you have cooled down about the situation and stand strong on your decision. I was a mean Mom to our three girls when I had to be and they grew up ok - now 28, 27, 24. They didn't like the consequencies at the time but understood it later. I got lots of "That's not fair" but it was!

From 12 - 22 girls are hard to parent. You get your feelings hurt more times than you can count but it all comes back around when at 24 they say to you - I'm sorry I was such a b*tch to you Mom - thanks for everything.

I'm sure some things got past me but now that they are older they have told me just about everything they think they got away with!


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Posted: 1/24/2013 6:28:51 AM
Not a Christian and certainly not a mom, so my opinion is probably the worst of the worst but here goes anyway...

First off, by "joking around" with her about being in withdrawl, fully knowing that she had a new account, you were trying to entrap her. Essentially, you lied to her to get her to come clean about her "lie". Not cool and a great way to destroy any trust your daughter has with you. My parents pulled this, and I didn't trust them about anything for a long time.

Second, it's instagram. I don't think it's a huge deal that she's not 13, but apparently you do. But instagram isn't the issue here. She lied. That's what kids do. Every single kid tries to get away with lying to their parents. Some are better than others. If you hadn't tried to entrap her, maybe she would have come clean.

So put on your mom hat, confront her about it and take away the iPod for a week or something. A month is overkill in my opinion, but the time is not the issue.

Don't be deceitful to your kids if you don't want them to be deceitful to you.

But I'm an athiest, so there's no way that I could have anything in common with Christian values... so obviously my opinion is souless and full of hedonistic value.

Sunshine36616
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Posted: 1/24/2013 6:35:44 AM
If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them: Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place; And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear. -- Deuteronomy 21:18-21

I'm sure you can substitute "unauthorized Instagram user" for glutton and drunkard.



amybaby
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 87,102
May 2003
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Posted: 1/24/2013 7:25:51 AM
Thanks to everyone for the wonderful advice. I appreciate it!

And to clarify, I was joking about it with her before I had any inkling of a new account. I never would have joked with her had I known! I found out about the new account later that night.


~Amy~

"I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to my death your right to say it." --Voltaire
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Maryland
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 87,597
May 2003
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Posted: 1/24/2013 7:45:43 AM
I am Methodist and go to Presbyterian and Catholic church. But how I would handle it is the same way my friends of various religions and backgrounds do. We would focus on the "trust" and "lying" issues here. Would your Christian religion focus on that as well? If so, I would tell her that what upsets you is that you feel that you may not be able to trust her. My 13 yr. old has many friends that are 11 and 12 on instagram. I didn't even know there was an age requirement. IS there a way you could diable her ipod from instagram until she turns 13?

I would also try to focus on the fact that she is a great kid, and this is her first mistake. But it is frustrating when your son or daughter goes behind your back to do something. Talk with her and see if she gets what you are talking about. If she seems sorry and understands, I would not be so hard on her.

But you do want your younger kids to see that there are consequeences to breaking the rules in your house.

*Erin
triathlon pea

PeaNut 80,864
April 2003
Posts: 10,658
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Loc: Gone to chemo with BethAnne

Posted: 1/24/2013 7:56:58 AM
Amybaby, I think you're doing a great job of staying positive on this thread.

The loss of trust is the central issue. Share with her how hard it is to earn that back once it's gone. Reread momstime's post, especially the part about using the bible as a punishment. It sounds like you're going to take away her device, and that's probably what I would do too. A month is a long time in kid-terms so I think I wouldn't go that long, but that's me. Then again,I have kids who don't want to be on social media yet so maybe I'll change my tune when they do.

One thing to consider is that the instagram rules are there for all to see, and even you didn't know about the age limit (which I think is kind of arbitrary anyway, but it is what it is). If my kid had already shown responsible behavior with the account while she had it, I don't think I would have prevented her from opening a new one just because she's a few months shy of 13. Some kids are more mature than others at 13, and until she went behind your back and hid certain details about her tech life from conversations with you it sounds like she was being responsible with it.

Now for the part I think isn't going to go over well: you kind of forced this situation by telling her she couldn't have a new account when 1) she already had one as an underage participant that you allowed, and 2) you didn't even care enough about the terms of use to read them thoroughly when she opened her first account. I'm not saying that to pick on you, just to point out that as a parent you own some responsibility here too. Sharing that you also blew it could be the jumping off place for a great conversation about mutual trust and respect.

Sorry for the long post. I got a little carried away.



benem
I live for the applause applause applause...

PeaNut 526,154
October 2011
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Loc: Illinois

Posted: 1/24/2013 8:41:40 AM
There's nothing wrong with asking people of your own faith for input.

I really don't think non Christian parents raise their children to be honest bc they are supposed to be Christ-like. Which Christians do.

But if any non Christian parents are raising their kids with a WWJD? Attitude, hey I stand corrected.

I agree that morals like honesty are universal. But the WHY of morality is NOT universal.


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BudgetMama
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 138,670
March 2004
Posts: 2,308
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Loc: Oregon

Posted: 1/30/2013 10:42:45 PM
Amybaby, what did you end up doing?
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