And my family proves again why I don't share

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Posted 1/27/2013 by Just Tricia in NSBR Board
 

Just Tricia
PeaFixture

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Posted: 1/27/2013 12:46:23 PM
I over shared that I went on a date which led to an hour of twenty questions. It was fun at first, I gave vague and wrong answers and it was all fine. Until my sisters called each other last night, apparently went through my Facebook, and figured it out. It's the guy's birthday today so my BIL (who I don't care for anyway) FB messaged him Happy Birthday. They're NOT friends!!! He had to have been looking him up to find that out! My sister always asks me why I'm so private and don't share. She just proved why. IT WAS ONE DATE! I know I'm completely at fault for bringing it up, but I had a bad breakup last year and am just getting out of my shell, so I was excited I had a date. That's all I wanted to share, but it's never good enough.

Sorry, just needed to bitch because I'm so mad the tears won't come.


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lucyg819
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Posted: 1/27/2013 12:49:54 PM
oh, ouch. So sorry. How did the guy take it?


LUCYG
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biochemipea
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Posted: 1/27/2013 12:50:22 PM
Wow, that really crosses a line!!







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IleneTell
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:00:27 PM
you need to call them out on it or they'll never get it!



Just Tricia
PeaFixture

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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:04:30 PM
I called them on it, which I NEVER do. Of course, one of my sisters played the martyr and said she's stay out of my personal life completely from now on.

And so far he's okay. Our families know each other, and this was just a date and some fun, not a relationship, so we weren't telling. ALL I wanted to do was say I'd gone out! I should have known better, especially after reading the women's intuition thread.


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auntkelly
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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:05:38 PM
I can sort of understand your sisters' curiosity, but your brother in law really crossed the line by wishing the guy a Happy Birthday.


Ginny

IleneTell
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:09:45 PM

Of course, one of my sisters played the martyr and said she's stay out of my personal life completely from now on


Umm, ok, perfect! Problem solved LOL....don't get sucked into her feeling sorry for herself/martyr routine. If she can't keep reasonable, proper boundaries, then maybe she Should stay out completely.



eebud
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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:09:45 PM

Of course, one of my sisters played the martyr and said she's stay out of my personal life completely from now on.

I would probably respond with "Thank you"





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pennyring
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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:14:44 PM
What kind of nosy, controlling siblings...? How bizarre. Sorry they're being so weird.




scraps_of_time
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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:17:46 PM
How old are these people? Sounds like stuff my tween grandchildren would do.




Rhonda

auntkelly
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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:21:39 PM

Of course, one of my sisters played the martyr and said she's stay out of my personal life completely from now on


I had a very passive aggresive relative who used to say stuff like that all the time. If only she meant it!

I'm sure you already know this but that is just her way of turning something crummy she did to you into something hurtful to her. I'm sorry she acts that way.


Ginny

Just Tricia
PeaFixture

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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:24:32 PM
It's the way my family is. I learned my lesson for a LONG time after I went through a divorce and they hounded me to talk about everything. I was just in a good mood and let my guard down last night, usually I wear my armor no matter the prodding. And, no, not teenagers. They're 49 and 48 and I'm 39. It's just the norm around here for one sister. The other kind of surprises me. The BIL, not at all.

Thanks for not making me feel like I was the crazy one! The good part was I had enough of a mad on that I ruthlessly cleaned out three filing cabinet drawers I've put off for years! LOL!


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Just Tricia
PeaFixture

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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:25:29 PM
Oh, the martyr thing she got from my mom who, shockingly, asked NO questions!


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tamhugh
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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:29:04 PM
That sounds like the behavior of middle school kids and not middle aged adults. It sounds like you had a nice time on your date and I hope they didn't ruin that for you.

GrinningCat
Proudly Canadian

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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:31:08 PM
Wow. Assholes. Sorry that happened. As for the one playing the martyr? Hold her to her vow of not getting involved. Maybe she'll get a clue if you keep sticking it to her.

Boundaries, they are a good thing. Assholes are not.

Just Tricia
PeaFixture

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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:33:46 PM
That's the whole thing they don't understand. If it wasn't a million questions I WOULD share more. But like I said, I've learned my lesson for the time being again at least.

They did put a buzz kill on the date, but he's helping by being nice about it.


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Shih Tzu Mommy
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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:33:48 PM

What kind of nosy, controlling siblings...? How bizarre. Sorry they're being so weird.


No kidding! They sound like a pack of freaks and quite frankly, I would not tell them if I were breathing in and out or not!! Sounds like you are better off without them. Egad! What weirdos!



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worker-pea
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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:40:38 PM
wow- I'd immediately check my privacy settings on FBand really limit their access to anything you have or post on it. If they prove themselves worthy over time, you can let them back in, but that really crosses the line.

Good luck.


MissyH

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icedpea
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Posted: 1/27/2013 2:08:15 PM
How childish! This is exactly why I'm a private person IRL. Although I must say after a divorce, it would have been good to share. Otherwise, you wind up with unresolved issues that spill into the next relationship.

Peabay
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Posted: 1/27/2013 2:15:28 PM
Ugh. That's something my mother would do.

I'm sorry. That's really embarrassing!



Ihaveonly1L
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Posted: 1/27/2013 2:20:18 PM
I'd probably be passive aggressive and if I didn't go on a date with the guy again (for whatever reason) if my siblings brought it up I'd say something like, "We never went out again. A message from my family after one date creeped him out."



Michele

TXDancermom
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Posted: 1/27/2013 2:22:38 PM
sounds like the family of one of my co-workers.....I keep saying I need to write a novel about them and make millions and retire!

delilahtwo
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Posted: 1/27/2013 2:32:29 PM
I don't know all the dynamics in your family of course but I gotta ask.....why so secretive? If you are open and up front then they won't feel like they have to interrogate you all the time. The more secretive you are the more they will poke at you.

I work with someone who is so secretive that the first hint that she had a boyfriend was the engagement ring on her finger. Found out she had been dating him for years. Exactly why is that such a secret?

They did cross a line hunting him up on facebook like that but why in the world did you feel the need to lie about your date anyway? If you had told the truth they probably would never have done that.

GrinningCat
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Posted: 1/27/2013 2:36:46 PM

I work with someone who is so secretive that the first hint that she had a boyfriend was the engagement ring on her finger. Found out she had been dating him for years. Exactly why is that such a secret?
For many people relationship status is none of their colleagues or employers business? With the back story I can see how the OP would be secretive with her family. They aren't exactly supportive. Just nosy.

melanell
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Posted: 1/27/2013 2:38:26 PM

Of course, one of my sisters played the martyr and said she's stay out of my personal life completely from now on.


I would probably respond with "Thank you"




Yep, my first thought was that I would have said "That would be great. Thanks.".



delilahtwo
BucketHead

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Posted: 1/27/2013 2:45:07 PM

For many people relationship status is none of their colleagues or employers business? With the back story I can see how the OP would be secretive with her family. They aren't exactly supportive. Just nosy.


Yup I get that. But interestingly this person had to know everything about everybody all the time. She was the queen of 20 questions. It seemed very hypocritical that she needed to know everything but shared nothing.

I guess I am just not a secretive person and don't really care if people know that I am dating someone, how my kids are doing, what's going on in my life. It's being part of a family really. My mom has also surprised me sometimes. For example, when my brother broke up with his long time girlfriend I didn't know for about 2 months. And when he started dating someone new, I think she was in the picture for about 4 months before I knew about it. My siblings are spread out in age so I don't talk to my brother that often. I would never have quizzed him on it. But why was that a secret? So weird.

Just Tricia
PeaFixture

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Posted: 1/27/2013 3:17:01 PM
Since I don't want people asking intrusive questions about me, I don't ask about my siblings, either. So it's not a double standard with me.

I DID talk a lot about my divorce, but there were also things that I didn't want to talk about or rehash over and over. I NEVER felt better after a talk with them. THEY felt better, it would send me into a downward spiral for several days. I always told them that, too, never mattered as long as they got the info they wanted.

My sister and I are different. She HATES to be by herself and has lots of friends, can talk on the phone for hours. Over shares about her life, I know more about stupid fights with her husband than I ever should, and that tempers how I feel about him.

I like my privacy. I like to be alone. I hate talking on the phone. I have a few close friends. She and I are different and *I* can respect that about us.

The reason I don't share is twofold. One, it really wasn't anyone's business but mine. B, if it was enough to just share a little, just share what *I* want to share, I would. But that's never enough and it turns into a million questions. I'd rather not share anything than to have this happen again. And that's my right, I don't HAVE to share anything at all.


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**cindyupnorth**
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Posted: 1/27/2013 4:22:16 PM
"I'd probably be passive aggressive and if I didn't go on a date with the guy again (for whatever reason) if my siblings brought it up I'd say something like, "We never went out again. A message from my family after one date creeped him out."
===========================================

HA! I would totally do that..OR better yet..post on FB. Dang..really liked this guy..unfortunetly my family creeped the guy out..bummer.
HA...give the guy a heads up first though...






Georgiapea
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Posted: 1/27/2013 4:27:02 PM
Your sisters need LIVES. They act like 11 year olds. You've got the right idea - don't share with them. Anything. I wouldn't even be telling them what I was making for dinner. Or what I had for lunch!

IleneTell
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 1/27/2013 4:27:46 PM
When dealing with passive aggressive people, it's not a good idea to be passive aggressive in return - it feeds into their game and encourages them to keep acting that way. You will never beat a master at their own game, so if you want it to stop, you have to be very direct and clear every time yo u deal with them. Just my 2 cents.



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AncestralPea

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Posted: 1/27/2013 4:43:24 PM
I think they have proved themselves unworthy of your trust. I would limit my conversations and keep the subject matter to the weather, good books read lately, movies recently seen....nothing that really matters to you.

Hope this doesn't turn the guy off to a possible relationship if you like him.

sues
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Posted: 1/27/2013 5:04:03 PM

I don't know all the dynamics in your family of course but I gotta ask.....why so secretive? If you are open and up front then they won't feel like they have to interrogate you all the time. The more secretive you are the more they will poke at you.
I work with someone who is so secretive that the first hint that she had a boyfriend was the engagement ring on her finger. Found out she had been dating him for years. Exactly why is that such a secret?
They did cross a line hunting him up on facebook like that but why in the world did you feel the need to lie about your date anyway? If you had told the truth they probably would never have done that.


Some people are private about their personal lives. It's their right, as it is yours to be open.
Blaming someone for being private is ridiculous. She has as every right to say as much or little as she wants. Her siblings are the ones that need boundaries and maturity. They were out of line.

Julee
=)

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Posted: 1/27/2013 5:11:35 PM
My mother and one of my sisters have severe boundary issues - as in not respecting the boundaries of others. I do not share with them. At all. Lessons painfully learned the hard way.

I'm sorry that happened to you.


=)Julee

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batya
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Posted: 1/27/2013 5:17:05 PM
That's beyond the pale. You know them and I don't think you did anything wrong by staying private. You knew what you were dealing with. They wouldn't have respected you any more if you shared up front. Idiots are idiots are idiots. I'm so sorry you were embarrassed like that.


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BudgetMama
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Posted: 1/27/2013 6:42:38 PM
dang, that's cray-cray!!! I would seriously block the whole lot of them from FB. sheesh!

B. Pea
BucketHead

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Posted: 1/27/2013 7:28:10 PM
I have family members like that too. There's one in particular that I have to really be careful what I share with her.

I used to think that if I share info up front that I'd head off those sort of attacks, but it didn't work. For some people, it's not about being up to date and knowing what's going on in the lives of their loved ones. For some, it's about control and manipulation. That's not a game I like to play, so I keep things to myself.
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Free~Bird
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Posted: 1/27/2013 7:33:03 PM
I'm sorry your family did that to you. that's pretty creepy really. Hope he's a good guy and can see past the crazies.

When I was dating my husband, I kept it under wraps for a while. I just don't feel everyone needs to know all my business. What if we broke up and it didn't work out? Then you'd have to hear all that stuff and explain yourself (or himself). who needs all the drama?


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CountryHam
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Posted: 1/27/2013 7:50:31 PM
You admit you lie.. they are nosy.. made for each other.


I am not even afraid to admit that I would run to FB and try and
figure out who my friends or family were talking about.

redboots
BucketHead

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Posted: 1/27/2013 7:54:10 PM
How juvenile. I am irritated for you.

I agree with the ladies who said they'd reply to your sister's silly "threat" to stay completely out of your personal life with a "thank you."


Maryland
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Posted: 1/27/2013 8:47:22 PM
They sound like bored jealous teens. I can't believe they were so nosy with you and then went and called each other. I wouldn't share anything with them. They can't handle it. As my teens would say, your sisters sound "creeperish and stalkerish" (I guess that's what kids in her school say. My daughter is the type that never gets info from anyone!)
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