cutting the cord on "fake" friends, it's harder than I thought

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Posted 1/27/2013 by old pea new name in NSBR Board
 

old pea new name
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:08:17 PM
Over the past three years I've been active in a group and made what I thought were true friends. I've given support, helped people in times of great need, etc. It's becoming apparant that when I'm giving or planning for the benefit of these people, I'm a "friend". When I can't give or not there to bolster them, I'm not .

I know I need to seperate and move on, but it's very hard. These people have been part of my life for years and I enjoy many of the members company. Realizing that I'm useful as a giver and nothing else sucks.

I have to move on. I know that. Doing it is hard.

eriusa
BucketHead

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May 2003
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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:14:39 PM
I'm sorry


Erica

auntkelly
BOOMER SOONER!

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April 2004
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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:16:49 PM
Some people really are selfish jerks. However, sometimes people don't realize they are neglecting a friend that could use some support. Sometimes people think of certain people as being strong and they don't realize that strong people sometimes need help too.

I think you should move on if you are sure your friends are selfish. However, you might want to give them another chance if you haven't made your needs known.


Ginny

2LuvPeasLife
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:35:57 PM


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scrapmaven
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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:41:07 PM
Sometimes in order to make room for new, good friends you have to end old friendships w/energy vampires. They are sucking the life out of you when you could be in the company of friends who love and support you. Friendship is give and take. These aren't friends. They're users. It's sad and lonely at the time, but you'll love the new, kind friends that you find.


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**cindyupnorth**
Tony is MY hoochie!

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April 2000
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Posted: 1/27/2013 1:43:57 PM
I totally get it. I have a friend I've been just distancing myself from over the yrs. We only became friends because our dh's were. And honestly at the time I had a really hard time accepting her and her morals. I really really tried to get along, and have a friendship..and I believe I did. Until she started up an emotional affair with another friend of ours..and used ME to hook up with him. Yea, long story, but it then turned in to a physical affair, and she left her dh for other friend. Her ex is my dh's best friend. So I tried to support her thru it all..as I knew how hard he is to live with, and didn't want to pick sides. Needless to say, now that she is done using me she doesn't feel the need to talk to me. so....there ya go. I'm done supporting her. I don't know why it took me so long to figure it out.

I have another friend that ALLL we do is talk about her life, hardly ever mine. UNLESS there is drama or a problem, then she is alll over it. I wanta a friend that's there for me all the time. KWIM?






Deanne525
BucketHead

PeaNut 39,183
May 2002
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Posted: 1/28/2013 11:28:24 AM
it is so hard to cut ties from people that have been in your life for years.

I am dealing with this myself right now. Ive had this one particular friend for over 10years. I am to the point that I am having trouble trusting her, and I do not agree with alot of decisions she has made. I have tried distancing myself a little but she laid a big guilt trip on me and said i was her "best friend" and she listed all the ways she was such a good friend to me. The guilt trip worked, well now I am starting to question the friendship again and I am quickly realizing this is not a healthy friendship. I am almost 40 years old and she pouts like a 2 year old if I do something with other friends and she isnt invited. She goes to facebook and pouts on there as well. It drives me nuts...but like I said the guilt certainly works with me and I wind up feeling bad. I dont know how to totally back off without looking like a total jerk???

HarleyCropperChopper
PeaAddict

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April 2002
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Posted: 1/28/2013 12:37:26 PM
A good way to tell. I once started a new year's resolution to talk to this one freind once a month. I made a point to call and we would talk for a few hours. It was all good. But then when I had to miss that month (was going to make it the next available day) and no e-mail or contact saying anything like missed you, or did you call and I miss it? So that became apparent to me each month w/ a few how are you are doing e-mails, that the friendship wasn't being returned. Great gal, but quess it wasn't meant to hold on to.

It could have been me too, I admit because to this day I don't know what we talked about. Know I try to be consceience of it because we can all do it and not aware if engrossed in life I guess.


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Mallie
PeaFixture

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December 2012
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Posted: 1/28/2013 1:00:58 PM
I've found that what's hard is not cutting the cord on fake friends, but facing up to the reality that I was not in a real relationship. So many emotions -- anger at them, anger at myself and embarrassment for being "fooled", frustration, hurt self esteem etc.

I'd say for me it was a grieving process. Grieving involves emotional pain. Since it was a process through which I'm putting myself, the natural urge to avoid pain made it hard to implement. I did it, but it wasn't easy.

blondiek237
PeaFixture

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February 2003
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Posted: 1/28/2013 1:22:18 PM
Been there and it is hard. I had this one friend from childhood, we lived together, worked together and vacationed together. Then my now DH and I moved in and she moved in with another friend. I started noticing the distance, so I invited her to 3 different events and every time she said she would come and was looking forward to it etc, but she never showed. Then I got layed off (and she knew, the entire company gets the email with the lay off list-so we don't get let back into the building) and I never even got a text from her--So I figured she was done with me, which was fine because I was having issues with her as well. Then a couple of years go by and a couple of mutual friends are telling me that she doesn't know what happened why we weren't friends anymore---really. Then when dad died in Dec, she came to the wake and we kind of talked, she said she would keep in touch and get together for dinner--that was a month ago and again not even a text.
You will be better off without people like that in your life. Life is too short to waste it on people that are not really friendship material.

peaname
AncestralPea

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Posted: 1/28/2013 1:26:56 PM
It is hard! But stay strong, you deserve to surround yourself with good people.


"People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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kfad
StuckOnPeas

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September 2004
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Posted: 1/28/2013 1:28:05 PM
I have spent a lot of time in the recent months redefining friendships that were not giving me with what I needed.

For me, it was not about letting go of these people, but learning (often the hard way) that I was giving them more energy and time than they were capable of returning. So, instead of cutting them out, I stepped back and I redefined how we interacted. Now, we are still friends, but I am not wasting time I don't have.



http://kfadich.blogspot.com

Great people talk about ideas; ordinary people talk about things; small-minded people talk about other people.
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