Ancient Ancestor of Pea
|Posted: 1/27/2013 9:24:41 PM|
Did they try to make you feel guilty for moving their grandchildren "away from them?"
This is happening to a friend of mine, and dh and I toy with the idea of moving sometimes, but nothing is on the horizon for us. But whenever we even mention the thought of moving somewhere, my mom lays a guilt trip on me. However, she moved me away from my grandparents when I was even younger than my kids are now, and we all survived. I guess she was allowed to live her life, but I'm not.
I told her that if we ever move anywhere, we would like for her to come, too. She can retire in less than two years.
My friend's mom is really being harsh about it, calling my friend and her husband selfish. And yet this woman also moved her children (my friend and her brother) out of the state her parents lived in, and they did not give her a hard time.
So I started to wonder if it's common for many parents to think their children have no right to live where they want to live, even if they made the same decision when it was their turn.
What has been your experience? If you are the parent in this situation, how have you felt and what did you do or say about it?
Loc: Idaho, USA
|Posted: 1/27/2013 9:29:47 PM|
No grandchildren, but yes. My mom always complains about me moving from Alabama to Idaho.
My dad and stepmom live in California (so we are nowhere near any of my family) and while my dad wishes we lived closer, he doesn't complain.
My mom is a different story. She's always telling me just to "move home." And she's not nice about it. It's obnoxious.
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Loc: Washington State
|Posted: 1/27/2013 9:40:16 PM|
Dh's mom moved out of state while he was in elementary school (divorce), so she has never said anything about where we live. Neither dh's dad or my parents said anything when we left California...although when we moved, we didn't have kids. But, I can't imagine any of them saying anything, they aren't super involved parents though.
Chubby old groundhog
Loc: Hudson Valley area in NY
|Posted: 1/27/2013 9:47:38 PM|
I grew up in Nebraska and left when I was 18 for college. My parents have always been supportive and have never laid a guilt trip on me. It helps that I'm an only child, so it makes it easy for visits and holidays.
My husband grew up in North Carolina and left after college. I think it was a pretty big shock to his family, but they've never guilted him either.
We're very fortunate with our families!
|Posted: 1/27/2013 9:51:38 PM|
We moved an hour and 15 minutes from mine and the way she carried on, you would've thought it was Australia!
|Posted: 1/27/2013 9:55:19 PM|Yes, my mom was horrible about it.
My xdh was in the military and we moved from IL to PA.
We had my oldest only (he was 3 when we moved) and both my parents were/are super active involved grandparents. My mom was just awful about me taking ds away from her and how sad it wasgoing to be and how lonely they were going to be without him.
So I quit talking about it with her, thinking that's what she wanted. Then one day she got mad and blew up at me because she was finding stuff out from other people. So then I started to discuss the details with her again and she got mad because it was so hard for her to bear.
We've never had a great relationship, though.
What if everything is an illusion & nothing exists
|Posted: 1/27/2013 9:57:09 PM|
Disclaimer-we don't live in the same state as any of our parents. I grew up living in different states than my grandparents. My parents would not lay guilt trips on us if we lived nearby and then had to wanted to move away. They would miss us, but they are realists. My husbands parents would lay on the guilt trips. In fact, They have been trying to guilt us to move back to MI for years. Never going to happen because I hate the snow and that area, hike nice to visit is horrible to grow up in (at least for me). Nevermind the fact that there are zero job opportunities there for either of us. It's annoying. We just change the subject when they bring it up.
Loc: Northern Florida
|Posted: 1/27/2013 9:59:09 PM|
Yes, but only because I was moving to be with a man and we weren't even engaged. He proposed 3days before we moved and we're still married over seven years later.
|Posted: 1/27/2013 10:00:10 PM|
No. My dad was in the military so he's not new to people moving away. My oldest sister was 16 (she graduated early) when she moved out-we lived in Okinawa at the time and she moved stateside with her boyfriend (now her husband). Now all 3 of us live in a different state than our parents, with one sister living in Alaska and the other two living in Nevada (our parents live in southern California). It's a way of life for our family, I guess. The only one of us that had kids before moving out of state was my sister that now lives in Alaska.
Trying to think of a new title
|Posted: 1/27/2013 10:03:18 PM|
I haven't moved from my parents, but my parents would be heart-broken if I moved as would my children. With that said, my mom would guilt a little, but if it was what we needed to do she wouldn't be too bad.
|Tribbey: I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the first, fourth, fifth, and ninth amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him! [to Ainsley] Nice meeting you|
My brain is 70% song lyrics!
Loc: The land of make believe
|Posted: 1/27/2013 10:07:11 PM|
No not at all my Mom has always been very supportive since there is not a lot of work in DH's field where I grew up.
|Posted: 1/27/2013 10:10:38 PM|
My parents did not. My ILs gave us a very hard time about it and we didn't have any kids at the time. Basically said we were dead to them. And we were, but not just to them, almost his entire family has acted as if we don't exist since we moved. It showed us where we fit into their lives-- the slot marked, "relationship only if it's convenient to us".
Their attitude and behavior made us decide not to move back when the opportunity presented itself, I can assure you of that. We had no interest in trying to resurrect those relationships any more.
|Posted: 1/27/2013 10:14:40 PM|DH and I moved away after we were married but before we had kids. My mom guilted me about it some when it was just us, but really ratcheted up the guilt after I gave birth to her first two grandchildren.
|Posted: 1/27/2013 10:19:27 PM|I only moved an hour away, and it was to go to school, so they didn't have much to say about that back then. I just never came back I think it was always assumed that when school was over I would move back, but that was not going to happen. I was gone for so long they kind of got used to having me an hour away. We still see them almost every weekend, so it's not too bad.
Although when something comes up, like we need some sort of help with the kids, my mom always throws in a comment about how she'd be able to help more if we lived closer....it never gets old
|Posted: 1/27/2013 10:22:45 PM|Yes, my mom was pretty harsh about it. DH and I don't have kids so I can't even imagine how bad it would be if we did.
DH and I moved from TX to CA 3 years ago. She still gives me quilt about it and is always asking when we will "move home" and asking why DH can't
just get a job at home" (we moved for his jo. She makes me feel really bad about it. Every time I visit her that's all she talks about - it completely ruins visits.
In her defense, the idea of moving away from family was completely foreign to her. Her and my dad still live in the same community they grew up in. None of my aunts / uncles / cousins ever moved away.
It is very likely that DH and I will move out of the country in a few years. I can't even imagine how that is going to go with her. I have brought it up to her a few times just to start preparing her, and she just says "No, you arn't".
It sucks - but it won't stop me from living my life.
Loc: central Illinois
|Posted: 1/27/2013 10:23:35 PM|
Our oldest daughter & her husband moved out of state a couple of years after they got married. They had a baby a couple of years after that and we made it our mission to see that we saw them every couple of months...I never guilted her over it. It's just part of life (says the person who has lived in only two house her whole married life-35 years-and both are on the same street!). They have since moved home and now live about 45 minutes away. If they would move away now, it would do me in but I would not ever guilt them. These days, you have to go where the jobs are!
Our youngest daughter now lives 16 hours away--when she has a baby I don't know how we'll figure out seeing them every couple of months. That's a long way to drive for a long weekend and plane tickets every couple of months would break the bank!
Our oldest (son) lives in Texas and we've only been there once. He's not married and makes more money than we do (!) so he comes home twice a year.
I always say that I raised my children to be independent and they sure are!
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
|Posted: 1/27/2013 10:25:09 PM|
Well I'm sorry so many of you have had to deal with parents like this, but it does make me feel a little better to know I'm not alone.
DH's parents would probably say their piece, once or twice, and then quit. That's what they usually do when they disagree with one of their kids about something. I can handle that. It's the continual discussions and all the guilt trips that get old.
Pea Who Should Be Cleaning!
Loc: at home in front of the computer
|Posted: 1/27/2013 10:25:21 PM|
We moved out of state long before we had a kid, so my mom didn't guilt us much.
After ds was born, we were driving 8+ hours every other weekend in order to vist family. When dh had a chance to get a job back here, we jumped on it.
Now, we're facing moving if dh's company doesn't get the contract they are bidding on. WV, at least our area, doesn't have a large call for structural engineers so we'd (most likely) move back to Ohio.
Luckily, we already own two homes there, so we'd end up not renewing someone's lease and moving in.
ETA: I've mentioned the possiblity to my mom. She won't even talk about it.
Loc: Washington State
|Posted: 1/27/2013 10:38:44 PM|
No, our parents have never given any of us a hard time about moving out of state. Of their 5 kids, 3 of us have lived out of state as adults. One of my sisters has lived in Arizona for probably 15 yrs. Another lived in Arizona for 3 yrs, I lived in San Diego for 2 yrs. I've also lived in various other states due to dh in the military but SD was just because I wanted to move away.
My parents have never lived out of state. They live in the same county they were both born in.
~ Dori ~
Loc: in the sunshine
|Posted: 1/27/2013 10:42:37 PM|Most definitely. They barely talked to me for a long time and then only if I called and then only for maybe 5 mins. My mom never got to know her grand kids - her choice. She visited twice in 16 years and only stayed for 1-2 days, she was on her way to "other" more important things. And I didn't move that far (2 hour flight). And she made visits home miserable.
She's gone now. I'm sad that my kids never had a relationship with her. But I don't regret moving. Our life is so much better than it would have been if I didn't move. My kids have a fantastic relationship with my in-laws. They went above and beyond to create one.
My dad finally moved to be near us. But even after being here for a few years, there is no real connection. He's just some one who comes to dinner occasionally.
Loc: Bangalore, India
|Posted: 1/27/2013 10:45:28 PM|
We moved out of the country and although they aren't thrilled, they didn't give us a hard time. They understand we have to do what's best for our family. I think it's selfish of the parents to try to control their adult children and not let them live the life they want to live.
I'm not a pea, I'm a cherry
Loc: In my own little corner, in my own little chair
|Posted: 1/27/2013 11:13:50 PM|I moved six freakin miles away and all I ever hear about is how far it is. I can only imagine
The upside is, I love being close to my parents and seeing them multiple times a week.
I only live about three miles from my in-laws and we only see them a couple times a year. I don't think they would care if we moved away.
Loc: Mesa, Arizona
|Posted: 1/27/2013 11:26:09 PM|
Yes and I don't have kids! My mom didn't speak to my Dh for a year, she blamed him of course. She was down right mad! Things are lots better now and she comes to visit but it took a long time for her to get over it. She till mentions it once in a while but not so much anymore.
Loc: In the Hinterland
|Posted: 1/28/2013 12:04:40 AM|
No - my mother believes that it is best for a family to be apart so they can be their own unit.
Even when she retired, she did not want to retire where I live. She didn't like the weather and she didn't want to impact my life in such a huge way. She loves to have me visit and my dad would like me to move in but at the time, she felt it was best to be somewhat apart.
I'm NOT a sack sniffer!
Loc: SE Washington
|Posted: 1/28/2013 1:46:54 AM|
My mom moved me away from my grandparents and dad when I was little. She does always tell me I should move closer, but I don't know that it's necessarily a guilt trip- just telling me that she misses me.
Mom to Kyrie(9), Isaiah(8), and Jayden(5)
Loc: Nashville. Yay!!!
|Posted: 1/28/2013 2:25:16 AM|My parents were supportive of our moving away when we were newly married. It was a great opportunity for DH job-wise. It helped that we only moved two hours away for our first move. So they could get used to it, but we weren't too far. Subsequent moves have been further away. My dad has passed away, but my mom has never guilt-tripped me.
My in-laws have made comments before about it. I know DH has had to tell them many times that we won't be back. There aren't jobs in his industry there and honestly we love our families but the distance is a good thing. I think both of us would go a little nuts from all the togetherness and "expected to attend" family events.
We have a son now and while we definitely want him to have a good relationship with everyone, we are very careful to keep the visits and whatnot manageable. I know all the grandparents would love to be down here every few weeks, but I'd be in the nuthouse So we try to stretch their random visits out with FaceTime, Skype, us coming to them at holidays, etc.
It's all just nonsense anyway!
Loc: California, NY & Orlando
|Posted: 1/28/2013 3:01:34 AM|
No, but my dad was in the Navy so moving wasn't a new experience for anybody in the family. My older brothers had already set a precedence moving their families and I think my mom secretly liked it...it gave her a good excuse to travel, which she loved doing.
|Posted: 1/28/2013 5:17:21 AM|
Yes. My mom is terrible about this. Just yesterday she tried to make my 10 year old feel badly because she wants to go to sleepaway camp this summer!
Loc: Pacific Northwest
|Posted: 1/28/2013 5:51:08 AM|
My mom tries/tried really, really hard not to. DH's dad was military and when DH joined the military, his mom guilted us more than my mom did. She doesn't at all now though.
We just moved from VA to WA for DH's job. We have to be able to feed, clothe and house our children and they all know that. DH tried to get one of the three job openings they had for his career field in VA, but it didn't work out.
Maybe in 3 years, after DD graduates high school, DH can find something on the east coast.
Mrs. Jason Pea Varitek
|Posted: 1/28/2013 5:53:56 AM|
Just the opposite. I moved across the country from CA over 20 years ago for a job opportunity. I remember talking to my dad on the phone before I left and he said "Monica, we'll be no further apart than we are right now talking on the phone. " He encouraged me to follow my dreams.
|Posted: 1/28/2013 6:10:12 AM|
Yes, you would think I was still killing my mother 20 years later.
We never lived near my grandparents, so I'm not sure where her attitude comes from other than my other aunts & uncles have children who have all settled nearby.
That really whackadoodle thing is that my parents have moved multiple times since I moved away, so my mom insists that we move to wherever they currently are because home is wherever SHE is. the fact that I've never lived in their current location doesnt slow down her pity party.
Granny Panty Chic
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. ~Mark Twain
Loc: east coast
|Posted: 1/28/2013 6:25:32 AM|
We didn't move away my DH parents moved across the country to be near his sister. They think we should move too. And they don't like to comeback to visit even though we are here nd they still have friends here.
Loc: Upstate NY
|Posted: 1/28/2013 7:01:37 AM|
No. They are sad of course but they never gave me a hard time. I had no choice. You have to move where the military says (or any job for that matter! We were stationed in California for 8 yrs only 90 miles away most of the time. I lived in my hometown for about a year in there while my DH was deployed. Then when we got orders to NY they were definitely sad and lost without the grand kids. So they would hop on a JetBlue plane from Ontario to JFK often because the rates nonstop were fabulous! Then they moved to Alabama! A couple years later we got orders to Alabama only 3.5 hours away.
It requires a little more planning and sadly less time together bu yo ave to do what you have to do!
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
|Posted: 1/28/2013 7:27:16 AM|
My dad was in the military when he met my mom and we moved a great deal when we were kids. My mom's parents died before she married and my dad's parents were already used to not having him around. We were also the 19th and 20th grandchildren on that side.
My mom is the one that moved from IL to FL two weeks after her first grandchild was born. Both of DH's parents and their spouses had moved from here to other states. Both have been gone for close to twenty years but have recently returned. My kids are the only ones young enough to still be home and around to see them.
I think it's terribly selfish to guilt a child to stay. I would wish my child the best and hope that we could visit often if we lived apart.
Loc: Milton, Florida
|Posted: 1/28/2013 7:40:31 AM|I moved away when we got married. Even though we grew up down the road from each other my husband was in the military and stationed in Hawaii by the time we got around to making it official and I finished school.
We were ALL sad to be separated. But no guilt trips since we obviously had no choice in the matter. However. When he got his medical board release we loves home with our two little boys for 7 ish months while he was working in transitioning to a civilian job. We lived with my mom and his mom down the road. They were so happy to have us here.
My husband just could not get a job here. So we took the closest one we could get about 7 hours away
You would have thought we shot my mil. Why couldn't he just work at winn Dixie And I get a job at Walmart? Those pay well! she lived as a single parent making under 20k in a 1000 sq ft house my husbands entire life. And that should be good enough for us since it worked for her!! Mind you she now upgraded her house to double the size, since marrying a wonderful man a few years before we did. He makes about 5x what she does and they want for nothing with the cost of living here and have no children at home. I can count how many times she visited on one hand.
About 7 years later we found out that in our home area they only hire within and that's why there are no jobs available. So long story shirt my husband squeezed
His way in and we just moved back! They are all extatic , including us who can now actually buy food to eat with a decent salary
I don't even want to think about the guilt trips if we were to move away again....
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
|Posted: 1/28/2013 7:41:57 AM|
No, they want what is best for us, not for them. They are happy that I am able to stay home with the kids so they want us to go where my husband has a good job. They come to visit us, so do my inlaws. We visit them a couple times a year, but they understand we are busy with the kids and their activities. Also, I think by living out of state, we probably have a better relationship. I think sometimes when families live in the same area, the families have too many family obligations.
Your friends parents are being very selfish! If they want to live near their daughter and son-in-law, they could always move to where they are moving to. Problem solved!
Loc: England UK
|Posted: 1/28/2013 7:47:44 AM|
No. We moved some distance away from family and they never made any suggestion about not wanting us to, even if they did think it. They would never presume to try and tell us that sort of thing abut our lives just as we wouldn't do to them. There's too much mutual respect thankfully!
|"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
Capt. Sparrow's Pirate Wench
|Posted: 1/28/2013 7:50:06 AM|My parents and dh's parents do and are very subtle about it to outright blunt.
We told them from the get go though that we would not be staying here, but I know each year we stay makes it seem like maybe we won't do it . They are ever hopeful!
"You can make excuses or you can make progress but you can't make both."
Peaing under the Radar
Loc: In the Middle
|Posted: 1/28/2013 7:52:38 AM|
I moved out of state before I was married, and my parents didn't complain a bit. I'm sure my mom would like to see her grandchildren more, but she has never said a word about my (or my siblings) choice of where to live. My mom is in PA, i'm in IL and i have sibs in CA, CO, MA and VA. The only sib who lives near my mom is the unmarried, childless one.
I would never try to dictate to my kids where they live, nor would I complain about their choices. My parents taught me well by their actions on that score. No grandkids yet, but my oldest D is in college 12 hours away with our total support.
When does football season start?
|Posted: 1/28/2013 7:56:18 AM|
I technically moved out of state, to Ohio from Pennsylvania but I'm only 20 miles away from where I grew up and where my parents, sister and nieces all still live.I also drive to work in PA as does DH. Lots of people from my town do that as we're right on the PA border.
Lost and Found in Pea-land
Loc: NC but wishing I was somewhere else
|Posted: 1/28/2013 8:06:52 AM|
We're military and live 20 hours away from our closest relatives. Yes, we get flack about it and we're expected to make the trip to them (even though we have 4 young kids). It irritates me to no end and I swear, I will never treat my kids that way if they are forced to move away from me, when they're older.
Pride of the Peas
Loc: Stuck in the Middle With You
|Posted: 1/28/2013 8:35:09 AM|
My mom has tried the guilt trips of "You're keeping me from my grandkids," but it didn't work. I told her that she can come and visit anytime (of course, I usually foot the bill for her travel expenses). I cannot live near my mother. She's not narcissist, but has another personality disorder.
My IL's? Well, they are good grandparents when we go visit them, but don't make any effort to come here, nor will they have the kids come and stay. Besides, since DH & I married, they've lived in four different states. What's funny is both of their kids live here. We tried to talk them into moving here years ago and would build a house with IL apartment for them.
Proud Wife and Mom to four big goons!
I cannot be old enough to have three teens and a tween.
God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially formed you to
go through it, not without pain but without stain.
-- C. S. Lewis
Mom to the Wild Things.
Loc: Poss-a-Dillo Hill, Ozark, AL
|Posted: 1/28/2013 8:56:06 AM|
No, and in my world that's the norm. To the point I find it strange when I read here of so many Peas living in the same town as their parents. Completely different concept than that espoused by my family.
|Posted: 1/28/2013 9:20:23 AM|
I am my mother's only child and she was definitely not happy when me, my DH and two DDs moved an hour and a half away. She didn't give me a lot of grief about it because she knew that it was in my DH's best interest.
I found out not too long ago that my father was highly ticked that I moved away. I find that very funny because he lived over 2000 miles away from me for over 10 years when I was growing up. When he moved back to my hometown, I might have seen him two or three times a year and he was 15 minutes away. I just didn't understand that.
Practically Perfect in Every Way
Loc: deep in the hundred acre woods
|Posted: 1/28/2013 9:27:18 AM|
My parents did not lay on the guilt. They knew I was doing that to myself. We all knew that we had to go where the job was, even if it was heartbreaking for us. My dad suffered a prolonged illness and died while I was away. I couldn't help them, I couldn't sit with him, and I couldn't say goodbye.
We moved back home again near my mom, for good I hope.
I feel badly for those on the receiving end of the guilt trips and anger. Some moves are unavoidable, and for a parent to make the situation more difficult is inexcusable.
I eat my peas with honey. I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny, But it keeps them on the knife.
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
|Posted: 1/28/2013 11:55:34 AM|I think that part of the reason my mom is so against a move is that she is not married, and I am her only child, so I have her only grandchildren.
But that is not my fault, and while I intend to care for her in her old age as needed, I will do so at my home. When my grandmother needed care, my mother moved her across the country into my mother's home. There was no choice. So I can, and will, do the same, when and if that time comes. But she seems to think I need to keep living near her because eventually she will need to be cared for. Yeah, no. That's not reasonable to me. I will cross that bridge when I come to it, and not sacrifice what is best for my family in the meantime. As I said in the OP, she has been invited to move with us, and doesn't want to. So, that is on her. I've done my part. And I will continue to make sure she knows she is welcome to come with us, in case she changes her mind.
Can you tell I'm fed up with this whole thing? And we don't even have any plans to move yet!
|Posted: 1/28/2013 1:06:41 PM|
Can a future grandparent weigh in here? No Grandkids yet but oldest is married a year and younger son will be married in a few months. Neither are that young so i hope for grandkids in the next few years from what they both say.
Rigth now one lives about 25 minutes away, the other an hour. I will be honest it would break my heart for either of them to move far away but even more so if they had kids. I want grandkids so bad. If they moved I know I would hardly see them for many reasons. First of all, finances. We havent been on a vacation of any kind for years and it doesnt look much better in the future. Plus I dont fly anyways (yes because Im terrified)so unless we could drive there, wed be out of luck.
I hope I wouldnt give my kids a hard time but I know I would be very, very sad about it. I understand if they have to move for jobs or something that that will take priority. Im just praying they always stay close by if possible.
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
|Posted: 1/28/2013 3:13:01 PM|
Ketsmom, I think it's perfectly normal for you to feel sad at the idea of your kids moving away. I think the problem comes in when the parent acts like their feelings are the only thing that matter, and lay a guilt trip on their kids. I think we raise our kids to be independent, so we have to feel proud when they are, even if it hurts.