spin off of on-line cheating thread - long!!
Post ReplyPost New TopicPosted 2/1/2013 by misser80 in NSBR Board
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misser80
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Posted: 2/1/2013 3:39:25 PM
Created new name for privacy reasons, but I have a similar issue that came up this week with my husband. I turn on our desk top computer yesterday and Yahoo comes up automatically, and in the search engine "sex slave images" come up. So I go to history, and sure enough the site is listed there. I click on it, and it's a bunch of porn pictures (some sex slave related, others just porn pics). Then I realize he has left his email open, so I go into his sent mail and he has responded to Craigslist personal pics, with comments like "you look great", "looks nice", etc. - no soliciting, no response back from these girls (but three sent messages in the last six months - all actually during work hours, so from work to make things worse!)

So he gets home from work and I first ask him about the sex slave images, and his response is that it came up in the sidebar news on Yahoo so he clicked on it. I find that hard to believe that porn pics would come up, but whatever. Then I ask him if he has ever looked at Craigslist girl pics, and he says of course not. So I then say "so that means you have never looked at pics or responded to any of these posts?" and he says no. I say I have seen your emails to them, and he says it wasn't him. I then say that I have copies of the emails, and he then admits that it was him, it was stupid, he doesn't know why he did it, etc etc etc.

I feel blind-sided, numb, mad, sad...Am I making a big deal out of this or not? I know a good majority of guys look at porn pics, but I feel like he has major issues with porn (even before I saw this stuff) He sends hundreds of porn pic messages on his phone each month with his guy friends. A few years ago one of our good friends (whose daughter is one of our daughter's good friends) was very upset because he accidentally texted the daughter a very inappropriate pic that he meant to text her dad - she was 14 at the time.

I don't know what to do or how to feel about this. Any words of wisdom/advice??

cdnstorelady
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Posted: 2/1/2013 5:26:04 PM
Hundreds of porn pics each month? To his guy friends? I would find that a major problem in and of itself. I have no idea what I would do in your place... i'm so sorry you're dealing with this...

LottaFire
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Posted: 2/1/2013 5:33:43 PM
IMHO, looking at porn & actually sending messages to real people are 2 different things. I'd be pissed too! I'm sorry you are going through this.
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obliolait
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Posted: 2/1/2013 5:36:23 PM
how did he accidentally send porn pictures to the 14 year old? I hope you don't have children.

misser80
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Posted: 2/1/2013 5:53:36 PM
He meant to send it to her Dad (whose cell phone number is one digit off from hers) And yes, we have an 18 year old DD

obliolait
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Posted: 2/1/2013 5:55:00 PM
18! that's great. it means you can leave.

Aggiemom92
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Posted: 2/1/2013 6:29:16 PM

Am I making a big deal out of this or not?


If it wasn't a big deal his first instinct wouldn't have been to lie.

UkSue
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Posted: 2/1/2013 6:36:31 PM
Maybe he feels that the fact you have 'tolerated' all the other porn means that what he is doing is ok, too. I don't know- I think some people will find all sorts of reasons to justify what they are doing.

The volume of porn he using though ( and that is what he is doing- he is using it) suggests that maybe it has taken on a very unhealthy importance in his life. Having already sent an image to a minor, which I would think is actionable in law? Would surely have given anyone thinking logically cause to stop and rethink what he is doing.

I don't think you are over reacting. And as with any situation, the dishonesty would be a massive problem for me,


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PEArfect
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Posted: 2/1/2013 6:44:24 PM
If it wasn't a big deal he wouldn't lie about it. Major red flags!


Jen


ddicorcia
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Posted: 2/1/2013 6:46:17 PM
Why would you post such a personal situation on a scrapbooking forum??????


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Posted: 2/1/2013 7:09:06 PM

A few years ago one of our good friends (whose daughter is one of our daughter's good friends) was very upset because he accidentally texted the daughter a very inappropriate pic that he meant to text her dad - she was 14 at the time


How does he have a 14 year old's number? He could have gone to jail for that, and have had to register as a sex offender for life!

Honestly, after that situation, it would have been, "the porn or me." No way would I have been OK with him continuing to text porn to his buddies. I'm stunned that a grown man would text porn to another man, quite frankly. I find that very creepy.


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misser80
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Posted: 2/1/2013 7:39:27 PM
ddicorcia - to answer your question on why I would post this here - because I am too embarrassed and humiliated to talk about it with anyone in my life? Because we have an 18 yo DD that will be devastated to hear about it because she loves her Dad very much and I don't want to ruin her life if I don't have to?

Pea-T-A-Admin - he had the 14 yo's phone number because their family and our family have been best friends for years.

I honestly don't know who to talk to about this

Pea-T-A-Mom
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Posted: 2/1/2013 7:48:44 PM

I honestly don't know who to talk to about this


Marriage counseling, STAT. Find a counselor that has experience with porn issues. If your husband refuses to go, decide whether you can live with the fact that he values porn more than you.


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moodyblue
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Posted: 2/1/2013 7:52:22 PM
You talk to a counselor, either by yourself or with your husband. Find someone who can help you work through this and figure out where you go from here.

makingmemorieslast
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Posted: 2/1/2013 7:55:39 PM


Why would you post such a personal situation on a scrapbooking forum??????



Ummm, first of all this is the NSBR, not a scrapping forum. And anything is allowed here - from silly fluff posts to serious personal posts. This is hardly too personal, considering she's anon.

As for why? Ummmm, probably the same reason the other 90 billion threads are on here - so she can get advice from other women, to vent, to not feel alone, to see if anyone else has btdt, to see if she's valid in her feelings, etc.

Obviously she needs someone to talk to, and that's what we're all here for. This board is full of women ready to offer her advice and give her support as she goes through this, and luckily for her she can do it anonymously, so she doesn't have to feel embarrassed or worried that it will "get out" to her real friends and family.

To the OP: I am very sorry you are dealing with this. Everyone feels differently about porn, but this does sound excessive, and it does sound like he's branching out (looking at the pictures only before, but now actually contacting the women on Craigslist). That would worry me. The more he sends flirty messages with these women, the bigger the chance he might be tempted to either meet up with one of them, or maybe find one that he will write back and forth with more than just once, leading to an emotional affair....and then who knows where that'll end up.

Personally this would be a problem for me - just the sheer amount of it would be. But DEFINITELY the emails would be.

Only you know where you would draw the line, but if I were you I'd be worried about him taking the next step after sending those emails.

Best of luck to you and feel free to vent here anytime.

**cindyupnorth**
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Posted: 2/1/2013 7:58:15 PM
I think to some point you are blowing it out of proportion. It's not something I would throw him out for, or divorce. Yes, he has shown questionable behavior. Yes, he should not be emailing women on craigslist. etc...but it has been harmless, that you know of.
Of course he is going to lie about it. Any red blooded male will lie lie lie thru his teeth, until he is exposed with the facts.
My dh has a whole group of male friends. They are all hard workers, and family men. They ALL send those nasty, jokes, and pics all the time. Yes, I don't like it..but heck..once in awhile my women friends and I will post male beef cake pic's.
I don't think it would hurt to see a marriage counselor. See what they have to say. Can your dh give UP porn? have you asked him?
Do you two have a good couple relationship? do you go out on dates? etc..etc??






BudgetMama
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Posted: 2/1/2013 8:06:17 PM
One of the best "talks" I've ever heard about porn was from Mark Gungor on his Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage DVD series. He doesn't really talk Bible and morality, but a bit more science. He talks about how men train and condition their bodies in a similar fashion that olympic athletes do. If you train it to only get excited while looking at porn, then that's how it response. If you train it to "least" only 30 seconds while you're in the shower, that's how his body will behave. It really was eye opening. I would highly recommend it. (the sex discussion was only one part of maybe 8 in that series, and so so so very worth it!)

I would go to a counselor and prepare myself for divorce. But that's me, porn is not an option in my marriage. And the emails - marriage killer to me.

*Leslie*
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Posted: 2/1/2013 8:12:56 PM
I agree with what MML posted above. The Craig List thing is really bad. It's such a slippery slope. What would have happened if one of the women had responded to him? Yikes!

My DH exchanges stuff with his friends once in a while but hundreds? No, that's just creepy.

The Yahoo search engine. Well, I think you know he lied about that, there was no side bar. You said yourself it was in the search engine. What is scary is that his first instinct was to lie and he then he only admitted when you called him on it.

I'm a member of a marriage board and when a woman posts that her DH won't have sex with her, one of reasons is the guy has a porn addiction. Porn really re-wires the brain. Google it and read up on it.



Leslie

Aggiemom92
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Posted: 2/1/2013 8:38:10 PM

Of course he is going to lie about it. Any red blooded male will lie lie lie thru his teeth, until he is exposed with the facts.
My dh has a whole group of male friends. They are all hard workers, and family men. They ALL send those nasty, jokes, and pics all the time. Yes, I don't like it..


Maybe 'they all' lie and text porn because there are enough women around taking a 'men will be men' position to justify that behavior. Good grief, this is not behavior you have to live with if you don't want to.


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PennyPaws
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Posted: 2/1/2013 9:17:16 PM
If he is trading hundreds of images a month, he has been searching for images before this... Maybe it was the subject/genre that caught you off guard... You need to find out where his boundaries actually are, then decide if those are acceptable to you... No one likes to talk about things they feel will get them in trouble, risk/change a situation they're happy in, or that is sensitive or possibly embarrassing... Hopefully you had discussions with him, in at least the past four years since he sent the picture to your daughter's friend, that were relaxed and open and you're not starting from scratch on this...


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hilsmom
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Posted: 2/1/2013 9:20:52 PM
He is a liar, and cannot be trusted. Pack a bag. HIS bag. Because YOU deserve better.


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Jillsie Pea
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Posted: 2/1/2013 9:37:14 PM
He lied. Don't you wonder what else he has lied about?

makingmemorieslast
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Posted: 2/1/2013 10:37:24 PM

Of course he is going to lie about it. Any red blooded male will lie lie lie thru his teeth, until he is exposed with the facts.
My dh has a whole group of male friends. They are all hard workers, and family men. They ALL send those nasty, jokes, and pics all the time.


This is quite a broad generalization, wow. There are many men that would lie, but just as many that would not.

And absolutely not do most guys send nasty jokes and pictures around. I'm not at all naïve or sheltered, and if guys want to do that, it's their business, but it's certainly not true for all guys.

peamac
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Posted: 2/1/2013 11:15:30 PM
I would have issues with the porn and the lying. He only admitted the truth when you told him what you knew. What else has he lied about that you don't know?


PeaMac


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Posted: 2/1/2013 11:18:59 PM
I've had relatives that thought porn cartoons are hilarious. One would even forward all of them on to me. Gee.... thanx. I finally just sent his emails to SPAM. They were all forwarded to him a dozen times over and he forwarded them to God knows who.....


Hundreds a month?

I'd say, sitting here not knowing who you are or anything about you, that he has conditioned himself to believe that this is normal and that he's getting a bit more interested in what else is out there.

If you aren't into that, and it sounds like you are not, then this is a definite fork in your relationship.

It is a legitimate dealbreaker if he continues down the path he's on. Neither one of you will want anything to do with the other before long. It's the nature of the beast.

My advice is to have a serious heart-to-heart with him and tell him that you will not go down that road. If he wants to remain a family, and that means to continue to have respect from his children, he will do what he can to remain on your family's path ASAP.

If he diverges from your path, than he will be responsible for changing the rules and walking away.



You have an 18 year old. That makes him in a susceptible time of his life for a mid life crisis. If he's in that crisis, he may choose to walk away from all of you instead of even considering anything else.


This stage that some men go through can be worse than adolescense. They have entire families that depend on them, and their hormones begin (finally!) to change, life gets overwhelming and they just get impossible.

At least you expect it from teenagers. No one depends on them for anything, typically.


So, that's my opinion. It's not OK. He may think that it's normal, but he's veering off track of what your marriage has been and he knows it. If he's going through a midlife crisis, you may just be at the beginning of a very bumpy ride. If you both don't seriously work together at putting your marriage and your family as first priority, it can go downhill fast.







If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.



scrappower
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Posted: 2/1/2013 11:21:59 PM

Of course he is going to lie about it. Any red blooded male will lie lie lie thru his teeth, until he is exposed with the facts.


Wrong answer.



IleneTell
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Posted: 2/1/2013 11:23:55 PM
I guess everyone has their own takes on this sort of thing, so I can only speak for me personally - this is NOT something I'd be even remotely OK with. He'd be cutting all that out and we'd be figuring out what is wrong and what is going on, and going to couple's therapy if we have to, to see if we can fix it.



IleneTell
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Posted: 2/1/2013 11:27:35 PM

Of course he is going to lie about it. Any red blooded male will lie lie lie thru his teeth, until he is exposed with the facts.


Really?? It's normal for all men to lie to their wives? I mean, correct me if I;m wrong, but all men are red-blooded...so if everyone does it, it's ok? I guess I must be the crazy one if I think this is not the sort of thing that is ok in a relationship



Katybee
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Posted: 2/1/2013 11:37:19 PM

Pea-T-A-Admin - he had the 14 yo's phone number because their family and our family have been best friends for years.



I think it's very odd that a grown man has a 14 yo's phone number....I don't care how close your families are.

Are the pics of underage girls? The whole sex-slave thing is also odd. This does NOT sound like a casual fascination with porn.



littlewing916
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Posted: 2/2/2013 12:37:34 AM
Check out this porn addiction forum, of which unfortunately I am a member as the partner of a porn addict.
The partners forum has many wonderful ladies who have been dealing with similar issues, some for years. They have much advice and sympathetic ear to lend.
It is not ok, and you are not making too big of deal out of it! Just because some ladies are ok with their husbands getting off to images of other women's naked airbrushed photoshopped unrealistic bodies doesn't mean you have to be!!

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NaughtiusMaximus
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Posted: 2/2/2013 1:48:17 AM
Um, sorry OP and everyone else, but I stopped with a needlescratch at: "...so I went into his Sent mail..."

Really. And then you presume to confront him about a violation of trust.

Pot, meet kettle.

Trust is a two-way street. You are just as guilty of a 'violation' of it as he is, IMO. You needed to go to 'asking him about it' BEFORE you went into his email. This may not be popular, but legally it is the truth. I wouldn't be so quick to go to a lawyer, you've got skeletons here yourself. You both need counseling, STAT. And yes, I'm very much a woman. You definitely crossed your own line (and what you did is illegal as well) here.

It makes me laugh. How many of you ladies have read 50 Shades of Grey? Tell me again how that's any different (except that 50 started as terrible fanfic).

zombie*grrl
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Posted: 2/2/2013 4:43:52 AM
I would not have an issue with casual porn viewing, but hundreds a month? I don't get it. I have never known anyone in RL whose husband had a porn addction. It's odd to me how often this comes up here.
I also think it's not healthy to be contacting women on CL, to understate the obvious. He needed to be confronted and counseling is definitely in order.
Of course, my friends and I are the type of dirty girls who are ok with viewing porn with their husbands, so there is probably less of the "forbidden fruit" aspect.


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not2peased
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Posted: 2/2/2013 5:15:35 AM

I think it's very odd that a grown man has a 14 yo's phone number....I don't care how close your families are.




I find this very odd as well. I dont think it's appropriate at all. It makes me wonder if it really was an accident. It makes me wonder what else he's hiding (perhaps he likes underage girls?) were the women he was sending messages to particularly young looking?

I dont have an issue with porn viewing at all. I do find it crossing the line to contact actual women and I do find it odd that he exchanges hundreds of pictures a month with friends. that does seem excessive.

I think you both need to see a counselor


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Posted: 2/2/2013 5:34:46 AM

I agree with what MML posted above. The Craig List thing is really bad. It's such a slippery slope. What would have happened if one of the women had responded to him? Yikes!


And frankly, you don't know that they didn't. Unless you go through every folder and his entire inbox. And even then, he could have deleted them.

I would be less concerned about the porn and more concerned with the personal contact.

Please get tested for STDs, if he is soliciting, he has likely gone a step further.



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Posted: 2/2/2013 6:43:41 AM

It makes me laugh. How many of you ladies have read 50 Shades of Grey? Tell me again how that's any different (except that 50 started as terrible fanfic).


You said exactly what I was thinking but too scared to say to the Peas Whether you're a woman that will watch porn with your husband or not, if you completely ignore the subject just because you don't find it interesting then you're leaving him to decide where your boundaries are... Even about cheating - you might consider an online chat cheating and he might not... Bite the bullet and find out what he likes or wants and tell him where your boundaries are... I guess I'm surprised that knowing his habits, you haven't talked with him about this before... I'd have had a million questions for him after finding out he trades hundreds of images a month... If you did have a talk with him then and agreed on boundaries that he's now crossed, then that's a problem... If you left it up to him to decide the limits then maybe he thinks chatting is harmless... Soliciting can add huge legal and financial problems to the mix, even if he hasn't gone through with anything... Hope you guys can sort this out in a way that's good for both of you...


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Mallie
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Posted: 2/2/2013 7:40:10 AM


Bite the bullet and find out what he likes or wants and tell him where your boundaries are... I guess I'm surprised that knowing his habits, you haven't talked with him about this before... I'd have had a million questions for him after finding out he trades hundreds of images a month...


If her dh had a problem with compulsive over-eating, do you think her cooking better meals at home would cure the problem?

littlewing916
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Posted: 2/2/2013 8:32:49 AM
I'm sorry, but you can hardly compare having read a book such as 50 shades to what this ladies DH may be up to. The difference is that you (the reader of the book) do not have a 'problem' or addiction. You are not lying about anything or trying to hide the fact that you are reading the book. And if your DH asked you if you were reading it, would you become defensive and lie about it?? Probably not, because you don't think that you are doing anything wrong.
Furthermore, I believe that we ladies have the right to protect ourselves and to know what is going on in our marriage in order to make informed decisions. The OP had seen something else first without snooping that set off alarm bells and caused her to become suspicious. It was only then that she went in search of more information. What was she supposed to do? Ask him about it only to be lied to?? And then maybe never know the depth of the situation?? What if he is meeting people?? Does she not have the right to know if her life is being put at risk of him bringing something home to her? Call it a violation of trust if you will, but I think she did the right thing. She acted on her gut instinct, and it just may serve to protect her from further damage. Too many of us gals ignore the red flags. Then we wonder how we get ourselves into these situations. I speak from experience. I'm willing to bet that there are other red flags and signs in the OP's marriage. She just has not recognized them yet. The signs are there before us. It's just a matter of learning to see them and trusting ourselves.
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IleneTell
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Posted: 2/2/2013 9:12:08 AM

Um, sorry OP and everyone else, but I stopped with a needlescratch at: "...so I went into his Sent mail..."

Really. And then you presume to confront him about a violation of trust.

Pot, meet kettle.

Trust is a two-way street. You are just as guilty of a 'violation' of it as he is, IMO. You needed to go to 'asking him about it' BEFORE you went into his email. This may not be popular, but legally it is the truth. I wouldn't be so quick to go to a lawyer, you've got skeletons here yourself. You both need counseling, STAT. And yes, I'm very much a woman. You definitely crossed your own line (and what you did is illegal as well) here.

It makes me laugh. How many of you ladies have read 50 Shades of Grey? Tell me again how that's any different (except that 50 started as terrible fanfic).




Ok....so hypothetically speaking, your husband start acting suspicious and you find some receipts in his pockets...stuff like that, but nothing conclusive.

Your next step would be to run to him immediately and ask him about those, and take his word for whatever his response is? (pretty sure his response would be denial....) At this point, you happily take whatever excuses he comes up with and blissfully go on your way.

At no point would you try to look into the issue or investigate??

Ok, good luck with that...you go ahead and conduct your relationships that way, so you can feel good about your moral superiority. Make sure you go to the doctor for frequent check ups though since you never know what you might catch....don't worry about it, at least going to the doctor is LEGAL

ETA about the 50 shades comment: Yes, reading a book is EXACTLY the same as looking at hundreds of pics of REAL women and communicating with REAL women on Craigs List. Reading a book takes a couple hours....the OP's husband's activities are time consuming and obsessive...really NaughtiusMaximus, you can't see the difference there at all, not a tiny bit??



scorPEAo
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Posted: 2/2/2013 10:42:49 AM
I swear men are just assholes. My exHusband couldn't keep his dick in his pants, and the older I get I'm finding that it wasn't just him; it seems to be a vast majority of men. I know, I know, the collective *your* dh would never do that. Whatever...

OP. I'm sorry. I'd be kicking his ass to the curb. I am not very tolerant of dishonesty.



peamac
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Posted: 2/2/2013 10:54:47 AM
Well I guess I'm a lawbreaker then, since DH and I share a desktop (like the OP and her DH) and both our email accounts dump all emails into the same space.

When I check my email, I could click on one of his email account addresses and get his (we've both accidentally clicked on each other's in the past since they're all in the same dropdown menu). Ours go to the same inbox, spam filter, deleted folder, etc.

Sometimes he even <gasp> asks me to check his email for him during the day!


PeaMac


PennyPaws
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 2/2/2013 11:18:46 AM



Bite the bullet and find out what he likes or wants and tell him where your boundaries are... I guess I'm surprised that knowing his habits, you haven't talked with him about this before... I'd have had a million questions for him after finding out he trades hundreds of images a month...


If her dh had a problem with compulsive over-eating, do you think her cooking better meals at home would cure the problem?


I don't understand the comparison or question but I'll try to explain a bit better what I meant... First, I was not blaming or putting responsibility for the problem on her... I do think that women need to be proactive though... To assume that your partner has the same boundaries or knows were your boundaries are allows genuine mistakes to happen - but with porn and fidelity being such a sensitive, important, tender issue even genuine mistakes can cause a lot of hurt and damage... When I said for her to bite the bullet and learn what he likes I didn't say for her to condone or participate in it - I actually said the opposite, for her to then tell him where her boundaries are... I guess my opinion is that as a partner, if she's going to say "I don't want to know about it", then she has to be conscious that she's giving him a certain amount of control to decide where the boundaries are... Not sure you'll like that answer, but maybe I explained myself better...


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StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 2/2/2013 11:34:16 AM

I'm sorry, but you can hardly compare having read a book such as 50 shades to what this ladies DH may be up to. The difference is that you (the reader of the book) do not have a 'problem' or addiction. You are not lying about anything or trying to hide the fact that you are reading the book. And if your DH asked you if you were reading it, would you become defensive and lie about it?? Probably not, because you don't think that you are doing anything wrong.


Personally, I saw the similarity in the "sex slave" comment the OP made and the BDSM theme of the book... The reader may have a problem (or may not) and her husband may have a problem (or may not)... There are varying degrees and just because he looks at hundreds doesn't *necessarily* mean he's an addict or has a problem... When I get forwarded emails by mistake (thanks guys), there's more than one photo - usually four to six, the whole photo shoot sort of thing... So five pictures per email, and lets say two friends send him an email a day, that's ten pictures a day or 300 a month... That's a lot, but with the Internet and smartphones etc, I can see how it's easy to get to such a high number... As far as lying or hiding the book - every person I know bought the book online so they wouldn't be seen buying it, or borrowed it from a friend... The have it in book covers, and blush when they admit to reading it... Some lied about reading it - not because they were doing anything wrong, but because they were embarrassed or shy about saying they liked it... I hate that I'm sounding like I'm defending her husband because I'm not and I personally think he's crossed some lines, but the assumptions about exactly what he did, why he did it, what kind of man he is, and what it means for them gets under my skin... I'm glad she's getting everyone's point of view - I can hear how this kind of thing has touched so many of the Peas lives, I just want to offer her another opinion as well...


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fishwitch
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Posted: 2/2/2013 12:05:43 PM
I'm pretty laid back about porn, guys looking at it doesn't bug me. And I've known plenty of guys that enjoy it. But guys sending HUNDREDS of porn pics to OTHER GUY FRIENDS? That just seems odd to me.

I'm not in the "throw his ass out" camp. I think it's time the two of you had some serious conversations and maybe a good long look at your sex life. Porn addiction can be very real and that may or may not be your husband's problem. Whatever it is, y'all need to get those lines of communication open and working before this spirals out of control


~~Melani....once upon a time I was Sailorslady, now I'm just the fish

Katybee
PeaFixture

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Posted: 2/2/2013 12:14:55 PM

Personally, I saw the similarity in the "sex slave" comment the OP made and the BDSM theme of the book...


When I think of "sex slave", I don't necessarily think of two consenting adults in a BDSM relationship. I think of 12 year-old girls in SE Asia kidnapped and forced to become prostitutes. So it really matters which one of those situations was portrayed in the pics... If it was the 2nd, in combination with the "accidental" text to the 14 year-old, I'd be BEYOND freaked out...

misser80
PeaWee

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Posted: 2/2/2013 12:18:20 PM
OP back to clarify some things - I turned on my computer yesterday and the "sex slave images" was in the yahoo search space at the top of the screen. I thought that was weird since it normally says "Yahoo!Search" in that box, and because of the content I looked in the history and saw that he had searched that site. His Yahoo e-mail was also open at the bottom of the screen - something he normally does not do. I do not have his password for his email account. After a long night thinking about this I have to wonder if this was all left up for me to find for some reason? He has been acting weird the last few weeks and I said that to him the other day.

Also..I have talked to him a long time ago about the excessiveness of the texts and that I didn't like him doing that - he definitely knows how I feel about that. He said he would stop/try and cut down, etc.

scrappower
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Posted: 2/2/2013 12:20:01 PM
See and I personally have no issues with porn at all (unless it is child pornography obviously). So the comparison between 50 shades and that doesn't fit me or my life. But we all have to have boundaries that fit OUR relationship and they need to be agreed on. Porn is cool for us, swinging or cheating is not, but others are even fine with that too. Doesn't make it wrong, just different.



peapermint
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 2/2/2013 12:24:22 PM
It's the lying that would bug me the most.

~scrap-it-all~
PeaFixture

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Posted: 2/2/2013 12:25:01 PM

I think it's very odd that a grown man has a 14 yo's phone number....I don't care how close your families are.



Really? My daughter is 12 and has a phone. She has both of my best friends' husbands phone numbers, and I'm sure they have hers. I don't find it odd at all. There are certain people that my family can trust and count on for emergencies, regardless of sex. Let me just add that these are the only male, non-family member adults that she has phone numbers for though. It never crossed my mind that people might find it inappropriate or odd.



readsomething
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Posted: 2/2/2013 12:28:44 PM
I think a lot of posters have misunderstood what the OP said about the text mistakenly going to the 14yo family friend. The 14yo's cell phone number is one digit away from the 14yo's FATHER's cell number (I guess they have a family plan). And the OP's DH meant to text some porn to the FATHER but mistakenly sent it to the 14yo girl instead.

I don't think it's that he's some creeper who has the 14yo on speed dial so he can txt-stalk her with porn pix.

However -- I would have a major, major, MAJOR problem with my husband sending porn pix to his friends. The ONLY context I have EVER heard of this type of "sharing" is among guys who are into something that is pretty closed-off -- child porn and the like. Most men I have known do NOT sit around and talk about porn with their buddies -- it's not something they talk about it. I mean, at least beyond the age of high school and college.

I think the OP's DH's problem is that he has an addiction, and the addiction has caused him to lose sight of boundaries. He's in the midst of this, and no one has said, "Uh, please stop sending me all the porn," possibly because they are creeped out by it and would prefer to ignore it and hope it goes away. OR, he has found some like-minded friends and they are all addicted and are therefore enabling each other.

He needs new friends. He needs to understand that this level of "involvement" in this sort of thing is wayyyyy too much. Hundreds of pictures with his friends a month? If you figure, 300 pix a month, that's 10 pictures a day. So, what, he's at work, and a buddy texts him a boobie picture? Or a photo of some Estonian girl in leather? Even if the phone isn't connected to work (even if it's his personal phone), I see ALL KINDS of potential problems in this scenario.

The OP and her husband definitely need to talk. I am no prude, and I am not anti-porn, but I am a BIG BELIEVER in "there's a time and a place," and I can see no time and no place for THAT MUCH porn consumption among a bunch of buddies. I just can't. Does he have time and energy to help with the dishes, the kids, the grocery shopping? In other words, like many a "hobby," this one has gotten way out of hand. (No pun intended ...)

I really wish more married couples trusted each other to be honest with each other about their desires. If the guy had trusted his wife enough to say, "Hmmm, this turns me on," no matter how scary it might have been for him to reveal himself like that, this wouldn't be so much of an issue. Maybe she'd freak out, or maybe they could explore some things together.

ETA: I just saw this:


He said he would stop/try and cut down, etc.


This says to me that he has a problem. He says he would TRY to cut down? What's to TRY? You either text porn or you don't. He has a problem. He's using porn like any other addict uses their addiction -- to hide from something else. What is that thing that he is trying to hide from? That's what you need to find out.


Heather
Finally Four of Us
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PennyPaws
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 2/2/2013 12:31:19 PM

When I think of "sex slave", I don't necessarily think of two consenting adults in a BDSM relationship. I think of 12 year-old girls in SE Asia kidnapped and forced to become prostitutes. So it really matters which one of those situations was portrayed in the pics... If it was the 2nd, in combination with the "accidental" text to the 14 year-old, I'd be BEYOND freaked out..


Yes, absolutely... My mind went first to BDSM just because it seems to be the "in" thing currently...

I don't think there's anything wrong with a parent having their child's friend's phone number, but mistakes like that just cannot happen... The legal ramifications could be so terrible... It's good I guess?? that her father was part of the group exchanging pictures and 'understood' (that was very weird to type, can't imagine IRL)... I'm not going to say that every guy looks at porn, but I work in a male dominated field and a couple emails a day is not unusual... A group of eight guys, two send out an email with 3-4 pictures in it one day, next day another two guys... Not that it's that organized, but each guy probably sends 2-3 emails a week, each with 3-4 pictures, and the math adds up... What might be a couple times a week for each guy ends up being what looks like a full time hobby...


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