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Nyla
PeaFixture
PeaNut 144,412
April 2004
Posts: 3,753
Layouts: 0
 |  Posted: 2/2/2013 10:04:42 PM
My bff's adult daughter, son in law & 2 little grandchildren are moving far away from her. She's DISTRAUGHT! The babies are 8 months old and 2 1/2. My bff & her dh see them ALL the time and love them dearly, live for them really. The 2 families currently live about 5 minutes apart.
Bff & her dh have pretty much planned their whole lives around their children & now their grandchildren. (These 2 babies are their only grandchildren so far). They also have a son who is still in college, out of state. Bff & her dh just bought a lake house expecting it to be a way to have family time w/ their children & grandchildren & be close to them throughout their lives. They have hopes and dreams about grandparenting & feel like the rug is being pulled out from under them.
They are really fabulous parents & grandparents.
They want me to talk to their dd because I moved away from home 20 years ago & I have talked to my bff about my regrets, etc. in the past. I know there isn't a thing I can say to their dd that would make her decide not to move. I love her to pieces too & have know her all of her life.
P.S. They aren't moving for a job promotion. They just say they want to do something different in a different place. They are moving to the state where their sil grew up, although not near his hometown.
What advice would you give my bff if she were sobbing uncontrollably on the phone? I've told them they have to support their dd & deal with it & they know that. But she says she can't breathe without her grandchildren. I'm sad for them!
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Epeanymous
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 15,108
May 2001
Posts: 2,159
Layouts: 1
 | Posted: 2/2/2013 10:09:05 PM
Can she move?
Is her child open to her moving to follow, or is the move expressly or implicitly to get away from your BFF?
If her child is open to her moving to follow her, I guess she can do the calculus about how important it is for her to do so. | |
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moveablefeast
do justice, love mercy
PeaNut 265,707
June 2006
Posts: 11,118
Layouts: 0
Loc: Northern Virginia
 | Posted: 2/2/2013 10:17:50 PM
I'm curious - how far is far?
I think of moving away from my mom, who is a pretty involved grandparent most of the time, and I think she would just be so devastated. And then she would probably pack her bags and set up camp in the guest room wherever we went - not that everybody has the option to do that, of course.
But I also was the one who moved across the country the week after I finished college, got a job, and stayed there for a decade. I totally understand wanting to go somewhere else and do something new. I have a little of that itch right now, after living in the same place for almost a decade.
I get it from both angles. Sometimes moving is the right thing to do for your family, even for a kind of nebulous reason like "We want to do something different somewhere else." Ultimately when you are a grownup with your own family, you make decisions for yourself, not for your parents, because usually you have become more or less independent. But it is sad for the people left behind when you move, and of course being an independent adult doesn't mean you don't need your parents and your kids don't need their grandparents.
I wouldn't give her any advice or talk badly about their decision to move, I would just hug her and say "I'm sorry, I know you're devastated." | |
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Laurel Jean
generic pea
PeaNut 76,877
March 2003
Posts: 9,176
Layouts: 179
Loc: Michigan
 | Posted: 2/2/2013 10:21:56 PM
I would be sad, but tell myself that my "child" is an adult with her/his own life.
I would, however, visit when I could. And there's always Skype. | |
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myshelly
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 471,001
June 2010
Posts: 7,388
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 2/2/2013 10:22:07 PM
I literally cannot even fathom doing this to my family.
Both my children and my parents would be absolutely DEVESTATED.
I just don't know how people can do it. We never will.
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voltagain
OklaPhoma
PeaNut 18,334
July 2001
Posts: 35,112
Layouts: 15
Loc: State of cultural confusion. Yeehaw and Aloha have collided!
 | Posted: 2/2/2013 10:23:17 PM
Honestly, I don't know what you tell her. A part of me wonders if the move isn't because she is too involved and this is the parents only way to "kindly" get her to butt out some.
She will live through it. I live in Oklahoma. I have four grand kids in North Carolina, three in Hawaii. We see each other as often as we can. We live through it. |
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Nyla
PeaFixture
PeaNut 144,412
April 2004
Posts: 3,753
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/2/2013 10:23:45 PM
That's exactly what I told her to do...sell everything & move! The kids wouldn't mind that but no one knows if they will stay there. They may get a whim to move again. Their SIL works for a nationwide co. and could work in almost any state. Bff's dh says he hates the state their dd is moving to & doesn't want to live there. Bff's dh went to college there. (it's a mid-western state  no offense; I'm sure it's a lovely place!)
Bff & her dh still work and earn an income that would be hard to replace there. I told her I'd become a french fry girl at McDonalds & dh would become a WalMart greeter if we had to.
It's a 1,000 mile move. So not something they can make a weekend trip for. | |
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~SuburbanMom~
Wannabe FNPea!
PeaNut 82,318
April 2003
Posts: 9,001
Layouts: 35
Loc: In my garden
| Posted: 2/2/2013 10:28:23 PM
My parents are very involved with my kids, we would not move more than an hour from them because it would hurt them too much. Can she move and follow them? |
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don92340
PeaNut
PeaNut 201,789
April 2005
Posts: 66
Layouts: 1
Loc: Bothell, WA
 | Posted: 2/2/2013 10:29:18 PM
How would/did you react if your adult child moved far away with your beloved grandchildren?
I have 8 children and 30 grandchildren and 12 great-grandchildren. I'd kick in a few bucks for that. The added bonus is you have a place to stay if you travel. | |
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Gsquaredmom
One step closer to Pea hD
PeaNut 259,367
April 2006
Posts: 7,947
Layouts: 0
Loc: Chicago suburbs
 | Posted: 2/2/2013 10:29:59 PM
What would I do? Start saving money for airfare. And start taking art classes or something to develop my own interests.
Could be they will be back next year. Wait and see. Clinging to them and trying to prevent them from moving may just make them want to move farther. |
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scrappower
Allons-y Alonso
PeaNut 174,150
October 2004
Posts: 12,984
Layouts: 0
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busypea
boring + nerdy
PeaNut 52,817
October 2002
Posts: 25,150
Layouts: 145
Loc: Oregon
| Posted: 2/2/2013 10:31:17 PM
This is kind of what I'm thinking
Honestly, I don't know what you tell her. A part of me wonders if the move isn't because she is too involved and this is the parents only way to "kindly" get her to butt out some.
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finally~a~mama
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 438,682
September 2009
Posts: 2,593
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 2/2/2013 10:34:41 PM
Honestly, I don't know what you tell her. A part of me wonders if the move isn't because she is too involved and this is the parents only way to "kindly" get her to butt out some.
That's my thought as well. Perhaps they (your friend's DD & SIL) feel smothered & are looking for an out. Your friend may be planning her life around her children & grandchildren, ie with the lake house & everything, but shouldn't her children be able to plan their own lives? Maybe they need to spread their wings. |
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enjoytotheend
AncestralPea
PeaNut 359,333
January 2008
Posts: 4,030
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 2/2/2013 10:36:23 PM
I know how my grandma reacted. She moved. We moved from Montana to Arizona. There was no way she could handle being apart from me. | |
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Eleezybeth
PeaAddict
PeaNut 17,041
June 2001
Posts: 1,249
Layouts: 3
| Posted: 2/2/2013 10:40:52 PM
We are a military family so perhaps we are just used to not being around family, but I think your BFF needs to buck up, let go and start living HER life. I can't imagine how I would feel if my mom's BFF tried to convince my family not to go somewhere. I'd probably be upset and feel completely stifled. She needs to learn to travel, embrace the change and start living for herself.
And I really don't mean to be harsh, I just simply can't imagine my family so ingrained in my life. Saying goodbye is never easy. Not having family near to help can be difficult but none of it is the end of the world. | |
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Nyla
PeaFixture
PeaNut 144,412
April 2004
Posts: 3,753
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/2/2013 10:46:25 PM
Yes, I can see that they want & need to spread their wings & I don't blame them for that. I did the same thing but no one was really shattered when I left. I didn't have kids yet either. It's really hard for bff & her dh to accept & I feel so sad for them.
Regarding bff & her dh possibly being overbearing, I understand that too. They just love their family & want to be close to them. The kids & especially the grandkids love them back like crazy. I'm afraid I relate to their way of thinking. ACK! My poor child! Cuz I'm MOVING when they do!! LOL!
If anyone has any additional advice I can give her let me know. She doesn't think she will survive without them. I know that sounds extreme but it's true. | |
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look4angel
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 49,444
September 2002
Posts: 2,744
Layouts: 181
Loc: Tn
| Posted: 2/2/2013 10:47:37 PM
The babies are 8 months old and 2 1/2.
No offense, but with her children being those ages her DD is an idiot to move away from doting grandparent's! My guess is her mom, and dad have been a "real" help in raising her grand kids, helping to buy their needed supplies, helping to care for them when her "DD" needs a break from the kids, etc...Her DD will regret losing that help when she moves, no matter how involved the kid's Dad is..
When my grand kids were tiny it didn't take my daughter long to figure out that the only real help she had raising her kids was me, and my mother. Which is true for a lot of families. Tell the Grandparents not to move for at least a year, by then they should know if their DD's move is a permanent one or not, and it will also give her DD time to realize how much they actually helped her.
My daughter is getting married in March, and moving with my Grand kids, (ages 8 & 9) but she is only moving about 45 miles away. Even at that short of a distance she will regret losing my help with the kid's daily activities when she does move. Things like watching the kids when they are sick and she can't take off from work, or taking them to their after school activities, helping with homework, etc..not to mention the money I have spent on them over the years..
I'm sorry your friend's DD is doing this to her parents.
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sharon217
PeaNut
PeaNut 10,462
February 2001
Posts: 231
Layouts: 0
Loc: Ellicott City, Maryland
| Posted: 2/2/2013 10:49:00 PM
My son and family moved from living near us (MD) to St.Louis. All their idea, not a transfer. My grandchildren were 3 and 10 months. I was very sad, but accepted their decision. We visited as often as we could and after 2 years they moved back to Virginia...only 2 hours away. Happy day. | |
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Super Soda
BucketHead
PeaNut 269,431
July 2006
Posts: 781
Layouts: 6
| Posted: 2/2/2013 10:51:23 PM
From your description it sounds like your BFF's involvement could be what triggered the move. The kids may just want some independence.
I intentionally live 400 miles from my family. My mother has mentioned moving here, and I cringe at the thought. On the flip side, I will have a tough time adjusting if my daughters move far away, but I don't get to run their lives once they are adults, and I understand that they will need to do what will be best for their families. | |
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pennyring
Thrift Ninja
PeaNut 226,011
October 2005
Posts: 22,412
Layouts: 40
Loc: Rite Aid
| Posted: 2/2/2013 10:58:05 PM
Honestly, her involvement sounds smothering to me. If I were DD, I'd be getting out of Dodge too.
If her life really revolves around these kids the way you say, she really should try to expand her interests. Take a class at the community college or the art center. Something. It's great that she's an involved Grandma, but these aren't her kids. Her kids are grown. She needs to let DD raise her own kids.
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Pea-T-A-Mom
Scrapmaven is stalkin my Kitteh!
PeaNut 159,334
July 2004
Posts: 13,455
Layouts: 0
Loc: Left Coast
| Posted: 2/2/2013 11:02:34 PM
I would be sad, but tell myself that my "child" is an adult with her/his own life.
I would, however, visit when I could. And there's always Skype.
That would be my answer as well. Are they supposed to stay in the same town, until the parents die? Are they not allowed to follow their own desires?
I do live near relatives at this point, but if DH and I had an interesting opportunity come up, we would consider all factors, including family. But living near relatives would not be an overriding factor if the new location was better for my immediate family. |
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GoBucs!
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 16,888
June 2001
Posts: 2,802
Layouts: 8
Loc: CNY
| Posted: 2/2/2013 11:10:25 PM
We are a military family so perhaps we are just used to not being around family, but I think your BFF needs to buck up, let go and start living HER life. I can't imagine how I would feel if my mom's BFF tried to convince my family not to go somewhere. I'd probably be upset and feel completely stifled. She needs to learn to travel, embrace the change and start living for herself.
And I really don't mean to be harsh, I just simply can't imagine my family so ingrained in my life. Saying goodbye is never easy. Not having family near to help can be difficult but none of it is the end of the world.
Yep.
We're also a military family, so I'm sure that colors my feelings.
Sounds to me like your BFF needs to find some hobbies and needs to let her kids live their own lives. |
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tamhugh
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 12,875
March 2001
Posts: 7,883
Layouts: 11
| Posted: 2/2/2013 11:16:53 PM
You said that they are moving to the state where he grew up, but not his hometown, and that it is 1000 miles away from BFF. Does his family still live in that state? Maybe he felt like it was time his family got to live a little closer to their grandchildren for awhile.
We have never lived close to family. Between all of our siblings, we are spread out over 4 states. My in-laws used to live fairly close (1 1/2 hours away) but now they spend half the year about 3 hours away and half they are further away than your BFF will be from her kids and grandkids. It was their choice. I will miss my kids tremendously if they move far away, but I want them to be happy and would support the move. | |
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look4angel
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 49,444
September 2002
Posts: 2,744
Layouts: 181
Loc: Tn
| Posted: 2/2/2013 11:39:58 PM
Grandparents can't ever win in these types of debates. If the grandparent's chose to live their own lives, and don't spend what "their children" consider "enough time" with their grand kids, they are considered "aloof" or "indifferent" and the grandparent's are trashed. Yet when the grandparents do decide to devote their lives to their grand kids they are still trashed, and are regarded as being "too involved". There is no happy middle ground.
So as a grandparent I guess you are just supposed to put your life, and love for your grandchildren on hold until "YOUR KIDS" let you know exactly what they want "YOU" to do, and for how long you are supposed to do it for. Gimme a break!
It's her DD's choice where she want's to live, but in a couple of years when her parents have moved on with their lives, and no longer have a relationship with her children she has no one to blame but herself. |
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irishscrappermom8
AncestralPea
PeaNut 220,508
August 2005
Posts: 4,533
Layouts: 52
Loc: IL
| Posted: 2/2/2013 11:47:51 PM
I second Eleezybeth's post word for word. I cannot imagine being so ingrained in one another's lives. Perhaps i feel that way because I grew up in a military family and didn't know any better.
I found it exhausting this past Xmas with DH's family here. My MIL moved back here this fall from living several states away for 20 years and it's taken a bit of getting used to. I have a SIL in town but we don't often get together, but I know if I needed anything I could ask. My other SIL was up at the same time and while it was great to see each other, the constant getting together and constant planning was making me crazy.
Frankly, if I were your friend's DD I'd feel smothered by your friend. It sounds as if the DD never has time for her family to be on their own without the grandparents there.
My DD is in college but living at home right now. She's been house sitting for a few weeks and I don't see her as often as I used to. It's been harder than I thought, but I would never dream of laying a guilt trip like that on her if she wanted to move. It's her life and she needs to do what she thinks is best and its my job to support her.
I'd tell your friend that you won't get in the middle. Good luck with whatever you decide to do! |
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doesitmatter?
AncestralPea
PeaNut 509,811
May 2011
Posts: 4,848
Layouts: 21
 | Posted: 2/2/2013 11:54:16 PM
Budget for more travel and vacations?
That being said, my patents moved out of state 8 hours away to care for my grandparents when my children were ages 2-9. We made it work with lots of visits etc, but now since I left my husband I live 15 miles from them/ and they are heat parents/grandparents. My brother lives near us as well, but I have 2 sisters in 2 other states with little ones 1-4 years, and my parents fly or drive up all the time/ several times a year -and also fly them out in the summer for vacation so we can all be together |
| Child of God, follower of Jesus, and so thankful for His presence in my life <>< | |
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voltagain
OklaPhoma
PeaNut 18,334
July 2001
Posts: 35,112
Layouts: 15
Loc: State of cultural confusion. Yeehaw and Aloha have collided!
| Posted: 2/2/2013 11:57:08 PM
If your friend has lake house plans (aka as vacation time taken up) when does sil get to take his family home to spend time with that set of grandparents and let his kids develop a relationship with them?
Even though they won't be in his home town they may be close enough for week end trips. As it is now, his parents are missing out.. there is grandma love there too. Does she not deserve to get to be involved with her grandkids at some point?
For all the devestation your friend feels there well may be another grandma/grandpa with equal levels of joy that the babies are going to be close enough they can get to know them. |
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theshyone
I'm Alive!
PeaNut 266,636
June 2006
Posts: 10,131
Layouts: 37
Loc: Alberta
| Posted: 2/3/2013 12:03:29 AM
She sounds suffocating. Omg I'd move away too. |
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stittsygirl
I AM SHER LOCKED
PeaNut 9,640
January 2001
Posts: 8,108
Layouts: 131
Loc: Deep in the heart of...
| Posted: 2/3/2013 12:05:47 AM
We are a military family so perhaps we are just used to not being around family, but I think your BFF needs to buck up, let go and start living HER life. I can't imagine how I would feel if my mom's BFF tried to convince my family not to go somewhere. I'd probably be upset and feel completely stifled. She needs to learn to travel, embrace the change and start living for herself.
And I really don't mean to be harsh, I just simply can't imagine my family so ingrained in my life. Saying goodbye is never easy. Not having family near to help can be difficult but none of it is the end of the world.
Yes to all of this. I love my parents and extended family, but we've done just fine living hundreds to thousands of miles from them over the past 16 years. Doing what is best for me, my husband, and our children takes priority over their wishes.
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Kristen, lucky mom and proud retired Army wife!
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finally~a~mama
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 438,682
September 2009
Posts: 2,593
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/3/2013 12:07:14 AM
It's her DD's choice where she want's to live, but in a couple of years when her parents have moved on with their lives, and no longer have a relationship with her children she has no one to blame but herself.
Oh, come on. Moving that far away will certainly change the relationship, but if it causes them to no longer have a relationship at all than it wasn't much of a relationship to begin with. Many people live far away from their family & aren't completely cut off. Sure it takes some effort, but if the relationship is worth having than I'd put out the effort. |
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sunny 5
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 472,024
June 2010
Posts: 2,069
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/3/2013 12:17:47 AM
my mom...an only child..moved 2000 miles from home and never came back. she wrote a letter everyday to her parents. we saw our grandparents 10 times or so. we learned to write letters when we got old enough.
my parents said nothing and neither did my in laws..when dh and I lived 900 miles from our parents. over 20 yrs, we have just planned trips back home and make phone calls. I raised my kids mostly without the babysitting of grandparents....I think the grandparents were happy with that since they have their own lives.
it is doable and sounds like the bff is way overinvolved or selfish...putting her needs above what her child wishes to do. | |
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IleneTell
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 434,842
August 2009
Posts: 2,427
Layouts: 635
| Posted: 2/3/2013 12:26:24 AM
Honestly, her involvement sounds smothering to me. If I were DD, I'd be getting out of Dodge too.
If her life really revolves around these kids the way you say, she really should try to expand her interests. Take a class at the community college or the art center. Something. It's great that she's an involved Grandma, but these aren't her kids. Her kids are grown. She needs to let DD raise her own kids.
I agree! |
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scrap-up
PeaNut
PeaNut 16,299
June 2001
Posts: 266
Layouts: 2
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
| Posted: 2/3/2013 12:49:25 AM
I lived over 1500 miles from my grandparents. My dad had moved away when he joined the Navy. I saw my grandparents once a year for two weeks when we visited over the summer. This was 40 years ago when there was no Skype and long distance phone calls were very costly. I had a great relationship with my grandparents and had a deep connection with them.
We live near my parents but not my in laws. My kids see them once or twice a year and talk on the phone about once a month.
In both instances the children felt very close to the grandparents. Relationships were and are fostered and are very special.
Hopefully your BFF will come to realize that it is the kids point of view that matters. They will feel a special connection regardless of how often they are together. It is about the KIDS, not about her. |
Julie
Mom to a Peanut, a Slugger, and a Boo. | |
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msorange
PeaNut
PeaNut 475,342
July 2010
Posts: 191
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/3/2013 2:04:46 AM
When I was a small child we lived one street away from my grandmother. As far as I was concerned, she walked on water. I loved spending the night with her, and just spending time with her. We had family in that city - first cousins, uncles, great-aunts, etc. When I was 6, my dad got a promotion and we moved 500 miles away, to a place where we didn't know anyone. I never got over it, and never stopped missing my grandmother terribly, as well as the rest of our family. We visited in the summer, but it wasn't the same. My other grandparents lived 2000+ miles away, so I never got to know them - another great loss to me.
My BFF keeps her preschool granddaughters while their parents work. That is one happy house, and the kids benefit from another source of unconditional love, besides their parents.
Obviously, I don't know all points of view regarding the family in the OP. I just feel sorry for the grandkids, and find it strange that so many people see the grandmother as a grasping bitch, who the kids need to be moved far away from. |
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look4angel
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 49,444
September 2002
Posts: 2,744
Layouts: 181
Loc: Tn
| Posted: 2/3/2013 2:24:41 AM
When I was a small child we lived one street away from my grandmother. As far as I was concerned, she walked on water. I loved spending the night with her, and just spending time with her. We had family in that city - first cousins, uncles, great-aunts, etc. When I was 6, my dad got a promotion and we moved 500 miles away, to a place where we didn't know anyone. I never got over it, and never stopped missing my grandmother terribly, as well as the rest of our family. We visited in the summer, but it wasn't the same. My other grandparents lived 2000+ miles away, so I never got to know them - another great loss to me.
My BFF keeps her preschool granddaughters while their parents work. That is one happy house, and the kids benefit from another source of unconditional love, besides their parents.
Obviously, I don't know all points of view regarding the family in the OP. I just feel sorry for the grandkids, and find it strange that so many people see the grandmother as a grasping bitch, who the kids need to be moved far away from.
ITA^ My mother married a military man, and we moved 3000 miles away from my grandparents. Who had until that point in our lives helped raised myself, and my 4 brothers. No one in our family just "got over it", including myself, my brother's, my grandparents, and my mother who later regretted leaving.
One of my brother's ended up leaving our family, and moving back to my grandmother's home, and living with her, and my grandfather, from the age of 14 till he graduated, and bought a home close to my grandmother's house.
After we moved my mother had to work constantly, so we were left with babysitter's who didn't love, or care for us like my grandparents did, and would have if we hadn't moved away.
Since my real father also lived in the same town as my grandparents I grew up barely knowing him, or my other relatives. So for all of those who say it works out just fine. No, it doesn't always work out "just fine".
So after living away from my grandparents for over 30 years I still came back to the town where they lived, and bought their old home. The only place I really remember having a happy childhood. |
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Grate
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 156,877
July 2004
Posts: 2,723
Layouts: 0
Loc: NY'er now living in Europe
| Posted: 2/3/2013 2:47:15 AM
I literally cannot even fathom doing this to my family.
Both my children and my parents would be absolutely DEVESTATED.
I just don't know how people can do it. We never will.
At first we moved a few hours away and then we moved to Europe. We will be back but my parents are older and I hope is is well when we return. However, as much as I love my parents I did this for my kids.
To make matters harder, my brother died 5 years before we moved and my kids became everything to my parents. However, my brothers and I have always been everything to my parents and it was very stressful. I lived my life to keep my parents happy... vacations, holidays and such. After my brother died, I realized that I had to focus on my own kids, maybe one day I will focus on myself.
On the positive side, our move forced my parents to get their very first passport and travel outside of the country. They have started taking yearly trips to FL and up north. They have not branched out to activities but that is more due to my brother's death.
I took a lot of flack from family about our move but NOT from my parents (whom I did check with before we accepted the transfer) because they want my kids to have the experience. They cry, they miss us but they are dealing. The kids had a hard time but they are growing older and want to be here and do all that we are doing. My parents had the best years with them... within visiting range anyway... when they were young and wanted to play games, be read to and snuggled.
Even our first move a few states away was hard but that too was for the best for my family. Sometimes we are forced to make tough decisions... never say never. | |
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Shih Tzu Mommy
Million dollar camera, 10 dollar lock!
PeaNut 224,352
September 2005
Posts: 23,525
Layouts: 0
Loc: Right here
| Posted: 2/3/2013 3:09:45 AM
This is kind of what I'm thinking
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Honestly, I don't know what you tell her. A part of me wonders if the move isn't because she is too involved and this is the parents only way to "kindly" get her to butt out some.
I wondered the same thing, too.
It is also possible that they just have a degree of wanderlust or are in need of more change, for whatever reason, than they are able to achieve where they are now. And the kids will be 100% fine. If they want to make a change, 8 mos and 2 years are certainly prime times to 'reset' things with a minimum of fuss.
And, FWIW, I did move away with my mother's only grandchild, over 3K miles when he was 2 months old. My mom moved the following year and it worked to her benefit in many, many ways. Less expensive housing, more plentiful opportunities in her field, ability to be closer to several of my siblings. A few years later had the second grandchild. A few years after that, my brother, who lived in my town had a baby. No other babies in our family for almost 10 more years. And now she has moved to be with those grandkids as the first three are older. It was hard on the three here for her to move, but they all understood and use Facetime and email and see her a few times a year. It can, and does, work out.
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ExpatInIndia
Make a Wish
PeaNut 154,780
June 2004
Posts: 1,135
Layouts: 113
Loc: Bangalore, India
| Posted: 2/3/2013 3:43:23 AM
It can work. We moved in 2011 to India. My in-laws Skype with my son every Saturday morning for 30 minutes to an hour. He knows he can call them anytime because they told him to wake them up in the middle of the night if he wants. He has called them at 2 or 3 am with no problem (time difference can be a pain). My in-laws visit twice a year for 3 weeks at a time. When they are here, we try to go on vacation with all 5 of us for a few days which my son loves. We go back to the US for 3 weeks every summer.
On the other hand, my dad rarely skypes and refuses to travel outside of the US.
So it can work but it will be harder. My dad decided it wasn't worth the effort, my in-laws did not. |
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-Tara-
PeaNut 158,177
July 2004
Posts: 7,516
Layouts: 90
Loc: Pacific Northwest
| Posted: 2/3/2013 4:07:49 AM
Since you said this wasn't a job related move, I know our parents would be devastated. And I think if I were in their position, I would be too.
If it were job related, I'd be telling them to deal with it and know it is what is best for their kids and grandchildren. |
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gar
Whoopea!
PeaNut 172,235
October 2004
Posts: 12,459
Layouts: 0
Loc: England UK
| Posted: 2/3/2013 4:29:54 AM
If anyone has any additional advice I can give her let me know. She doesn't think she will survive without them. I know that sounds extreme but it's true.
Nonsense, it isn't true. She may be unhappy but she will survive. But that level of trauma would indicate that she doesn't have enough else going on in her life and all she can see is emptiness when the family move away. That's not healthy and she seriously needs to develop her interests and friends to fill the potential void.
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"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
Stephen Roberts
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saraheliza19
PeaNut
PeaNut 565,879
September 2012
Posts: 123
Layouts: 1
Loc: Michigan
| Posted: 2/3/2013 6:12:22 AM
* let me preface by saying I did not read all the responses to this thread, so I may be repeating others suggestions*
While I am sure that she and her dh will be devastated, they need to be supportive parents. Moving is not usually a spur of the moment decision. It is not her choice and to try to convince her dd to stay is selfish. I assume that they will be able to visit.
When my sister moved several states away with my nephew, my parents and I missed them horribly, but we skyped and talked on the phone. We would Skype Christmas morning and watch him open his gifts( a few times we setup the web cam at the family party and my sister and her family would watch the going ons and have conversations with whomever sat down) we skyped on birthdays and sing to him while he blew out his candles. We missed them, but didn't miss the important stuff.
There are ways to be there with out actually being there all the time. Yes, she and her dh will miss them, but they will survive. They might even enjoy some time together too. | |
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Kelpea
In a HapPea Place
PeaNut 176,832
November 2004
Posts: 12,218
Layouts: 2
Loc: gone to chemo with BethAnne
| Posted: 2/3/2013 6:24:26 AM
I, too, am wondering if your BFF isn't smothering the children (children, not grandchildren, that is).
No offense, but with her children being those ages her DD is an idiot to move away from doting grandparent's!
I guess my husband and I were idiots; we moved from his family and haven't looked back; it's been a great journey; better job opportunities, less expensive real estate, etc.
Wow, we don't even know how "doting" the grandparents even are; we are hearing it secondhand...we don't know if "doting" or "smothering" as mentioned above.
The trend of not living near one's parents is not nearly as prevalent as it was just one generation ago. I know of only two people in our lives who live within 30 minutes of their parents; it's a different world today than before.
A young family has every right to make the decisions that are best for them; and sometimes that includes moving for better opportunities (or to get away from smothering family). |
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jenjie
PEAsed to be here
PeaNut 88,667
May 2003
Posts: 22,774
Layouts: 283
Loc: NJ
| Posted: 2/3/2013 7:00:26 AM
BFF is probably feeling rejected or cast aside. She needs to look at as it isn't something they are doing TO the grandparents but FOR their family.
I get it. MIL told all her kids, "If you're going to move away, do it before you have kids" so they wouldn't be used to having them around all the time. MIL will never get on a plane, she has a great fear. At this point in time I don't think it would be as big an issue as OP's BFF but most of the grandkids are older/adults. |
~Jen
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AKathy
Peaing From Podunk
PeaNut 45,443
August 2002
Posts: 14,550
Layouts: 93
Loc: North Dakota
| Posted: 2/3/2013 7:00:37 AM
As a grandma with 3 grandsons who live way across the country from me, I think your friend is being selfish and overly dramatic. Don't we raise our children to be independent? Her DD and SIL need to spread their wings and do what's best for their little family. Yes, it's harder when your grandchildren live so far away but it's not the end of the world. You go visit as often as you can, FaceTime, Skype, telephone, send cards, whatever.
I'd suggest your friend start finding her own interests and develop a social life that doesn't revolve around her grandkids. I don't think making your grandchildren your whole life can be very healthy. I'm also wondering if the kids aren't moving to put some distance between them and overbearing grandparents. Your friend needs to let go and trust that her DD and SIL are doing what they think is best for their family. |
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gar
Whoopea!
PeaNut 172,235
October 2004
Posts: 12,459
Layouts: 0
Loc: England UK
| Posted: 2/3/2013 7:07:56 AM
No offense, but with her children being those ages her DD is an idiot to move away from doting grandparent's!
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Excuse me?? They may indeed miss that, plenty of people manage without that help and it's not reason enough to stop a family broadening their horizons if that's what they choose to do.
Idiots? How charming 
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"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
Stephen Roberts
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GrinningCat
Proudly Canadian
PeaNut 43,061
July 2002
Posts: 31,535
Layouts: 2
| Posted: 2/3/2013 7:10:57 AM
Your friend sounds overbearing and histronic. From what you have described, I think the kids are trying to get away from smothering.
As a grandma with 3 grandsons who live way across the country from me, I think your friend is being selfish and overly dramatic. Don't we raise our children to be independent? Her DD and SIL need to spread their wings and do what's best for their little family. Yes, it's harder when your grandchildren live so far away but it's not the end of the world. You go visit as often as you can, FaceTime, Skype, telephone, send cards, whatever.
I'd suggest your friend start finding her own interests and develop a social life that doesn't revolve around her grandkids. I don't think making your grandchildren your whole life can be very healthy. I'm also wondering if the kids aren't moving to put some distance between them and overbearing grandparents. Your friend needs to let go and trust that her DD and SIL are doing what they think is best for their family.
My mother would say the exact same thing. | |
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basketlacey
PeaAddict
PeaNut 103,805
August 2003
Posts: 1,506
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/3/2013 7:30:42 AM
We live close to both sets of parents and feel very blessed to have that. We wouldn't move away unless we had to for work. My parents and in-laws would be devastated. But we like being close to them. It is a major consideration for us when we think about our future. I like that we don't have to travel on holidays and that my parents and in-laws come watch my kids participate in sports and such. I also like knowing we are close by as our parents are getting older.
I don't think there is anything wrong with making a different decision and I expect your BFF's kids have good reasons. I understand why she is devastated though.
I don't know how I would feel as a grandparent. I hope if my kids move away, dh and I will have money and time to visit as much as possible. My good friend has parents that live on the other side of the country. Her kids are very close to her parents despite the distance. She moved here when she married one of dh's best friends so her kids have never lived in the same town with her parents. I have seen it work so it's possible to still be close! |
Basketlacey
Wife to 1; mommy to 3. | |
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Peabay
Happy now?
PeaNut 156,993
July 2004
Posts: 44,645
Layouts: 13
Loc: Connecticut
| Posted: 2/3/2013 7:37:17 AM
If this was such a devoted MUTUAL relationship, they wouldn't be moving. There's more here than meets the eye. Someone in my dh's family moved halfway across the country from seemingly devoted and loving grandparents because they felt they were second guessed and judged with every decision they made - even though I know the grandparents and they saw themselves as doting and supportive. |
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KatieBPea
PeaFixture
PeaNut 30,940
February 2002
Posts: 3,949
Layouts: 0
Loc: NJ
| Posted: 2/3/2013 7:51:04 AM
I'm sure your friend is very upset, but she needs to respect and support their choice or she will only push them away. I wouldn't want my adult child to make decisions for fear of disappointing or upsetting me. |
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julieberg
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 160,179
July 2004
Posts: 6,442
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/3/2013 7:59:42 AM
I am surprised at all the peas stating that they would NEVER move and how this couple are "idiots" for moving.
My gosh, they are adults, they have to live their lives - not the lives of the grandparents.
I'm sure they are not thrilled to be moving, but as adults you have to do what is best for your own family. | |
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