I am angry! And I wish people would stop trying to talk me out of it.

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Posted 2/4/2013 by enjoytotheend in NSBR Board

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 359,333
January 2008
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Posted: 2/4/2013 10:34:33 AM
As most of you know my grandma died Thursday night. Her sons decided they will not pay for the burial or cremation at all. I am livid. They treated her like crap so why should this be any different but I feel like I have to get this figured out. And I want to scream.

Anyway I just thought maybe someone on here could understand. Just because I am angry it won't make me an angry person as long as I don't let it fester. I spent my whole life avoiding anger and it turned into depression (anger turned inward turns to depression). I am tired of people telling me I lack faith or I need to forgive. I WILL forgive. It's a process. I am by nature a very forgiving woman and I don't get angry often. I know I have to walk through this to get to the other side. Just venting I guess.

Leads a Charmed Life

PeaNut 43,843
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Posted: 2/4/2013 10:36:01 AM
What were her instructions once she passes? Is it a money issue? My mother wants her body donated to science.


PeaNut 284,458
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Posted: 2/4/2013 10:36:17 AM

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PeaNut 292,577
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Posted: 2/4/2013 10:38:09 AM
You have every single right to be pissed, and you will let go of your anger in your own time. I don't necessarily think anger in itself is a bad thing, it's what you DO about that anger that counts. As long as you are not going around hurting people because of it, well, then you feel how you feel until you feel better. ((((Hugs))))

By the way, just because someone is "family" doesn't mean you should be forced to forgive or overlook.

Happiness looks good on everyone!

Doxie Pea Mom

PeaNut 52,841
October 2002
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Posted: 2/4/2013 10:41:41 AM
I am so sorry about the loss of your grandmother. I know you have posted that this was coming soon but I didn't realize she had passed. My heart goes out to you.

As for her sons, I guess I am not really surprised considering everything you have posted about them. I hope you are able to make arrangements. At this point, I would ignore her sons and do what I had to do. They would not get any other information from me. (I believe you had posted before that she gave you POA or whatever was needed to make these decisions)

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PeaNut 288,074
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Posted: 2/4/2013 10:43:12 AM
I didn't know your grandmother passed away - I'm sorry for your loss.


PeaNut 574,604
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Posted: 2/4/2013 10:48:48 AM
I know how you feel. When my grandmother died, my siblings and I paid for her funeral. My aunts/uncles had no issues with their mother, they were too freaking cheap to pay for her funeral. They also never thanked us in any way for paying for and organizing it.

You have a right to be angry and it's on your schedule when you'll get over it. Anyone who tells you otherwise can offer to pay up in your stead.


PeaNut 475,342
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Posted: 2/4/2013 10:54:04 AM
I understand. My Dad is in hospice now, and there are jaw-dropping family antics going on. It's hard to understand why people are such jerks sometimes. And having just arranged the small funeral Dad tells me he wants, I know how astounding the costs are. It's hard not to explode with anger.

The only good thing is that you will carry the love and closeness you have with your grandmother with you for the rest of your life. Karma will deal with your jerk uncles the same way it will deal with my appalling relative.

Be as angry as you need to be now. As you said, you will be your usual sweet self again soon.

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PeaNut 220,816
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Posted: 2/4/2013 11:02:41 AM
You have every right to be angry.
This is very close to home for me, as I have been in extremely similar shoes very recently.

Vent away!



PeaNut 180,138
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Posted: 2/4/2013 11:04:37 AM
I have no advice, other than you are entitled to your feelings. If you can swallow them until the services are over. I am so sorry for your loss.

"The difference between science and religion is the difference between a willingness to dispassionately consider new evidence and new arguments, and a passionate unwillingness to do so."----Sam Harris

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PeaNut 59,094
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Posted: 2/4/2013 11:05:39 AM
I am so sorry about your grandma. You don't know the ins and outs of their relationship though you think you do. They may have their reasons.

That said, get angry. You are entitled! No one should tell you how to feel or that you have to forgive. Especially not now when everything is raw and it's all falling on you.

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PeaNut 550,788
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Posted: 2/4/2013 11:05:52 AM
there may be a reason why they had a poor relationship with their mother. grandchildren tend to have a different type of relationship.

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PeaNut 224,352
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Posted: 2/4/2013 11:15:36 AM
I had not seen that she had passed and I am so sorry for your loss! And I am sorry they are jackasses, but don't let your uncles be any part of your life ever again. Don't dwell on them or give them a moment in your mind!

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PeaNut 187,030
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Posted: 2/4/2013 11:47:53 AM
I think the title of this Terri Clark song sums of your feelings and you should let people know this:

"I just wanna be mad for a while"

I'm sorry for your loss and all the drama surrounding the passing of your grandmother.


PeaNut 438,682
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Posted: 2/4/2013 11:54:12 AM
I'm so sorry for the loss of you grandmother. I'm also sorry that her sons are making this even more difficult.

Edgy Coolness

PeaNut 365,853
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Posted: 2/4/2013 11:54:30 AM
{{Hugs}} You have every right to be angry. My "step" Aunt, who was never treated as anything but full member of our family pulled some heinous stuff while my "step" Grandfather (the only Grandfather I ever knew and my only real father figure) lay dying. After his death she was so awful that I refused to talk to her for 5 years and to this day I still become very upset over her behavior towards my Grandmother, the only mother she ever knew.

But here is something for you to remember once your anger and pain have diminished (and it does eventually) that my Mom told me,

"Do not let your anger and hatred get in the way of your own salvation. You are only hurting yourself by carrying the burden of your hate because she does not care."

{{Hugs}} again and it will get better with time.


PeaNut 116,261
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Posted: 2/4/2013 12:02:08 PM
(((hugs))) I'm sorry you all are dealing with that on top of everything else.


May we be consumed with the Creator of all things rather than with things created.

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PeaNut 172,235
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Posted: 2/4/2013 12:05:42 PM
Go ahead and be angry - it's healthy sometimes to allow yourself that.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Today, I will be colouring outside the lines.


PeaNut 172,235
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Posted: 2/4/2013 12:05:44 PM
Go ahead and be angry - it's healthy sometimes to allow yourself that.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Today, I will be colouring outside the lines.


PeaNut 393,905
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Posted: 2/4/2013 12:10:03 PM
I am so sorry to hear this is happening.
The post I read a few days ago about them not coming to see her really made me sad for you.

I think you have the right attitude about it, but I sure don't blame you for being angry!

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 6,487
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Posted: 2/4/2013 12:19:26 PM
First of all, so very sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace in the relationship you had with her, and know that her best interest is now in your heart. As for the rest of the family, they will deal with whatever their feelings are, and whatever their own relationship with her may have been. Luckily you don't have to bow to them, nor can you make things better with or for them now; it is what it is. Sometimes those situations get better for you when you put the time and distance where it needs to be. So sorry it's a rough time for you. Just continue going in the direction of your heart and you will be led in the right path; you absolutely know she is guiding you now, and will always be.


PeaNut 550,788
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Posted: 2/4/2013 12:20:59 PM

That may be true. However, it is not okay to let a niece bear the entire financial burden of burying your mother. She's a single college student, which makes it even more reprehensible.

i disagree but maybe they should be more forthcoming as to why this is an expense they do not care to indulge.


PeaNut 562,203
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Posted: 2/4/2013 12:29:30 PM
You have every right to be angry! Not only for what they are putting you through, but because it is a stage of grief.


PeaNut 294,285
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Posted: 2/4/2013 2:22:47 PM
I am sorry.

Accept your feelings, but you also need to accept that you cannot change people. I hope you can someday think of your beloved grandmother with a smile.

Peace to you.


pearl-clutching nitpicker

PeaNut 201,774
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Posted: 2/4/2013 2:35:19 PM
I didn't know your grandma had passed away. I'm very sorry ... my grandmas died years ago and I still miss them and my grandpas, too.

I don't know the ins and outs of your uncles' relationship with your grandmother, but I'm sorry they're being dickheads, whatever the reason. Do the right thing by your grandma and put them out of your mind. After you're done being mad at them.

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Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 497,090
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Posted: 2/4/2013 2:42:09 PM
So sorry about your Grandmother.

On the topic of her burial, I think that her estate should pay for it, before any of the inheritance is passed out.

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PeaNut 25,620
December 2001
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Posted: 2/4/2013 2:53:39 PM
There is nothing wrong with being angry and no reason you have to forgive. It is possible to not forgive and not be consumed by it. Accept it for a done deal you can't change and move on.

"I contend we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." Stephen Roberts

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PeaNut 97,456
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Posted: 2/4/2013 4:39:33 PM
I'm sorry for your loss. Your anger is well placed and justifiable.

I don't mean to pry, but exactly what happens if someone refuses to pay for burial, or cremation? The idea had not ever crossed my mind. I can't imagine refusing to cover the cost of a simple casket and burial for a loved one. Is this your maternal, or paternal grandmother? Are your parents still living? Do they know about this?

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, on top of the loss of your grandma.


PeaNut 375,962
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Posted: 2/4/2013 5:14:03 PM
My heartfelt condolences, be very gentle with yourself for the next while.


PeaNut 431,262
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Posted: 2/4/2013 5:19:00 PM
I get where you are coming from. Like you, I'm not generally an angry person. But, once in awhile I feel that way and I just need to be angry for a while and process it in my own way and time. I'm not going to stay angry - it's a temporary thing. People trying to tell me I shouldn't be mad generally just add to the problem and make me more angry.

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Anger is a completly natural emotion to feel - it's one of the seven stages of grief. You just have to feel it until you don't.

oooh, what you said!

PeaNut 27,933
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Posted: 2/4/2013 5:22:14 PM

I don't mean to pry, but exactly what happens if someone refuses to pay for burial, or cremation? The idea had not ever crossed my mind. I can't imagine refusing to cover the cost of a simple casket and burial for a loved one. Is this your maternal, or paternal grandmother? Are your parents still living? Do they know about this?

In my area if no one claims the body, the county must pay. it's called a pauper's grave and is unmarked or marked with a simple, temporary marker. It's an awful thing to let happen to a relative no matter the relationship to them.


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PeaNut 118,730
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Posted: 2/4/2013 5:33:28 PM
I don't remember the details but I believe the OP posted about this before and her grandma was pretty sick at the end and there isn't an estate really to speak of.

So sorry about your Grandmother.

On the topic of her burial, I think that her estate should pay for it, before any of the inheritance is passed out.

Seems a pity to miss such a good pudding.

PeaNut 247,139
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Posted: 2/4/2013 5:41:25 PM
I am sorry to hear of your loss. It is so hard to deal with family dynamics at a time like this. ((((hugs))))


Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 359,333
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Posted: 2/4/2013 5:48:48 PM
Yes grandma doesn't have any estate. I went to my psych nurse today and she said I am doing AMAZING with processing this. I have had so many people get on me about my anger on facebook that I thought maybe I was wrong. But since I have PTSD and panic attacks my psy just said that this is a huge breakthrough. I wasn't expecting that. I am not going to turn into an angry woman. That just isn't me. But it's okay to stay in the moment and process it. I was so surprised. I thought I was doing something wrong.

Thanks all you wonderful peas. I know things will work out with the burial. Worst case scenario I can use my financial aid from school and my church can help me with rent. It is just the fact that her own sons don't care that really pisses me off to no end.

Grandma had life insurance for awhile but she had to cash it out a few years ago. We didn't think she would make it to 92. Her burial plot is ALL paid for. Even her head stone. Just not the mortuary part. It WILL work out. It always does. But right now I am okay being PISSED off! Stupid uncles.

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PeaNut 163,613
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Posted: 2/4/2013 6:21:01 PM
I'm really sorry for your loss and that you're having to deal with all the family drama

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PeaNut 418,383
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Posted: 2/4/2013 6:45:58 PM
I'm sorry to hear about your Gram. I lost my Grampa a little over a year ago and, while he was buried, there has yet to be a headstone put in place which really irks me to no end. I couldn't imagine going through what you are, but I hope everything works out in the end.

Sending positive thoughts your way.

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 359,333
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Posted: 2/4/2013 7:31:20 PM
It is my maternal grandma. My mom died in 99. I am an only child. She has 2 other sons. They refuse to pay which leaves my cousin and I who are both in school. It's crazy because her burial plot is already paid for. Thank God for both prayer right now and xanax.


PeaNut 555,986
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Posted: 2/4/2013 7:41:26 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss & your uncles' asshat behavior!
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PeaNut 359,333
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Posted: 2/4/2013 7:41:30 PM
Because I am my grandma's medical power of attorney (or was I should say) and I was at the hospice when she died her body HAD to be placed in MY care. Right now it is at some place called Angels something. It will have to wait until we figure it out.

I have offended my cousin because I was hurt that he spent time with his dad more time than with me when he came to visit this weekend. It hurts deeply. So now that I have been angry they are angry so now who knows if they will even help me. They were planning on coming down here next month too so I was a little pissed that he couldn't help me when I had no one and instead spent time with his selfish, jerk of a dad and his equally selfish step mom from Hades. I was hurt. Now he is hurt. I give up.But guess who gets to figure out her arrangements. ME. As well as clean out her assisted living place. Again thank God for xanax.


PeaNut 551,978
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Posted: 2/4/2013 8:50:56 PM
Haven't read any other posts, just wanted to say that I agree with you that anger does need to be felt and released... There are different views on forgiveness... Instant forgiveness gets a lot of attention, but there is value in getting to that point more slowly too... There was a lovely show on PBS about different views of forgiveness in case it interests you... But in the mean time, feel what you feel and don't feel bad about it... I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time...

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PeaNut 478,947
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Posted: 2/4/2013 9:10:19 PM
I am so sorry for your loss.

You have every right to be angry. It sounds like a huge burden has been laid at your feet and everyone is looking to you to do what needs to be done.

I don't know where you live, but I do know that the funeral homes in my area do allow people to make payments instead of paying in a lump sum. Perhaps that is in option for you so that you don't have to use your financial aid at this point in time and get assistance with your rent.

froggy one

PeaNut 479,242
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Posted: 2/4/2013 9:21:00 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. You are entitled to your feelings. It is so sad that death brings out the worst in so many.


Resident Smart Ass

PeaNut 294,429
January 2007
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Posted: 2/4/2013 9:24:59 PM
Anger is actually one of the middle stages of grief, so it's coming back again in your future over things you think are unrelated to your grandmother's death. Don't be ashamed of that emotion. It's natural. The problem is unchecked anger, when you allow your anger to take control of good decision making or become violent toward people.

You obviously love your grandmother very much, and are ready to defend her against what you see as a disrespect. I admire your passion and protectiveness. Scream as loudly as you want in private. It feels good.


Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 168,696
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Posted: 2/4/2013 9:40:55 PM
Yes, anger is a part of the grieving process.

I hope you can find a grief group, as they are so helpful.

This is a time to find connections so maybe you can find that in these days ahead.

Sugar Snap Pea

PeaNut 257,999
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Posted: 2/4/2013 10:09:33 PM
I'm sorry about your grandma.

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PeaNut 52,307
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Posted: 2/4/2013 10:16:51 PM
I knew it was going to be soon but didn't know that it already happened. I remember your posts, that you were so close to her. I'm so sorry your family is behaving this way.

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PeaNut 295,424
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Posted: 2/4/2013 10:18:20 PM
I'm sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I can offer a viable suggestion to help with her remains. Most states have an agency that will come get her through a mortuary. They will use her remains for science. They will then cremate her and return her cremains to you. All at no cost to you. My dad arranged for this to be done with his body while he was in hospice. When my mom died in a different state on her way to moving with us, we found a place that would do the same (she had talked about doing it like dad did). You have to be ok with the whole donation thing. As well as the cremation thing. But it is all done tastefully and they were so good to us and mom. And even though we lived in a different state, we had her cremains home with us about 3 weeks after she died.
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PeaNut 359,333
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Posted: 2/5/2013 10:51:42 AM
Thank you everyone. My cousin is currently not talking to me because he is mad that I am mad. Mind you I had to forgive much bigger things and deal with much bigger things (like when he admitted he molested his sister in laws). And yes he was prosecuted for that. I am mad that they are going to Disneyland instead of helping me with grandma. I will get her cremated. I know about the Science cremation but I didn't before she died so I don't know if that will work. He knows I am stressed about money but I guess that is more important to me. He said he would help with the cost but now that he is angry with me he doesn't want to. Forget that it is my grandma being buried not me.

Either way I will be okay I think. Worst case scenario my church helps with rent for a few months which I think they would be understanding about. Some people have sent money so I am grateful for that.

So far I also have one of my friends mad at me. I can't deal with it. I feel bad that they are upset that I am angry but I can't help it. I am not calling them names by any means they just are not use to me ever expressing anger. That is why my counselor said it's a huge break through for me. I also have endometriosis so I know hormones and pain are playing into everything too.

I can't fully rest until she is full at rest and I have her whole assisted living place to clean out. I didn't think I would process anger first but I had a bit of time to prepare for this death though nothing fully prepares you. I had accepted it and after seeing her suffer in pain and dehydration I knew it was time to let her go.

Thank you peas for being a safe place where I can vent. I am banning myself from facebook right now because so many people are getting offended. I have valid reasons for being upset with them but because I have never expressed anger they are getting upset about it. I have a feeling this healing process emotionally through counseling may change some of my friends and I am ok with that.


PeaNut 15,108
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Posted: 2/5/2013 10:55:26 AM
Ugh. I have noticed that people who are hot-headed often get a pass when they express anger. "Oh, that's just Joe!" Whereas if you are a calm, chill person, your anger really unsettles people.

I am sorry you are dealing with both the things that are making you mad and the discomfort of other people who do not want to deal with you being mad.
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