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allipeas
PeaAddict
PeaNut 393,898
October 2008
Posts: 1,013
Layouts: 0
 |  Posted: 2/8/2013 10:06:20 AM
I just lost my grandmother on Sunday 2/3/13. She had battled throat cancer for the last year. She went through brutal radiation and chemo treatments and when the cancer came back, she had a radical surgery to remove her voice box and surrounding lymph nodes. Her throat was so damaged from radiation they had to reconstruct the inside of her throat. Because of that, she was never able to regain normal eating and drinking. She had a "stoma", a hole in her throat that she breathed through because of the damage to her throat.
Needless to say, after all that, the cancer still came back and came back with very aggressive. She went into the hospital and went down hill quickly. I was with her much of that time and 24/7 with her the last few days.
I have gone through the death of my father with cancer and a close uncle from cancer and was with them when they passed. But what I witnessed my grandmother go through was so haunting and traumatic that I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
They gave her high levels of pain medicine but would have to do it in increments. The pain she suffered because of that was horrific. Her body was no longer accepting nutrition and she was refluxing that through the hole in her throat which made her choke and made her breathing difficult.
I can't tell you how many times I begged God on my knees to take her because her suffering was so great. When the end finally came, it was a gut wrenching relief. I was thankful she was finally at peace and will miss her beyond belief. I have dealt with grief before so I feel like I know how to handle that.
But the shock of witnessing such human suffering, I'm having a hard time dealing with. I feel "damaged" if that makes sense.
I guess I'm just reaching out to other peas to just ask...did you ever go through that? How did you deal with it? |
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styxgirl
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 183,117
January 2005
Posts: 2,547
Layouts: 24
Loc: Middle of the USA
 | Posted: 2/8/2013 10:12:27 AM
Very sorry for your loss.
Almost four years ago, I was with my Mom when she passed away.
She suffered from a liver disease and died from complications.
It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.
Don't feel damaged though! Know that you did the best thing by being with her to the very end so she didn't have to be alone or with someone she didn't know.
Hugs for you.
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~*kristina*~
Typical Liberal Pea
PeaNut 55,230
November 2002
Posts: 17,513
Layouts: 106
Loc: Hawkeye Nation
 | Posted: 2/8/2013 10:15:33 AM
I so sorry Allipea about the death of your grandmother. I watched my mother suffer through a very swift and brutal battle with Ovarian cancer that, almost 7 years later is still difficult to think about. My mother's battle was only three months from diagnosis to her passing, but it was the worst three months of my life.
As time has gone on, I just try and focus on the good times and memories of her before her illness.
{{Hugs}} to you and I hope that as time goes on, you'll be able to deal with your feelings better. |
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momof1child
BucketHead
PeaNut 542,144
February 2012
Posts: 850
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 2/8/2013 10:16:34 AM
Both of my parents passed due to cancer.
Dad just slipped away as did mom. They did not have a 'tramatic death' and it was simply very quiet. We noticed dad's passing as this fingernails started turning blue as mom was holding his hand.
With mom it was the same way, very peaceful.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) | |
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Idahomom
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 265,810
June 2006
Posts: 5,152
Layouts: 26
Loc: Idaho
 | Posted: 2/8/2013 10:23:03 AM
I held my premature son as he died. He was sucking on my pinky and passed. |
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Deb
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
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ginacivey
prey-sniffing bully
PeaNut 32,477
March 2002
Posts: 24,578
Layouts: 32
Loc: Out in the boondocks
 | Posted: 2/8/2013 10:27:43 AM
my FIL died a horrible death as well
i envy those of you who were able to witness a peaceful passing
it did change me/us
i don't regret being there tho
gina | |
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camanddanismom
Manic Mom of 2
PeaNut 274,243
August 2006
Posts: 9,840
Layouts: 424
Loc: Northeast
| Posted: 2/8/2013 10:31:08 AM
So sorry for your loss and the experience you had. It sounds absolutely horrible! I witnessed both my mother and grandmother pass (6 weeks apart) and neither was peaceful (but not as horrifying as what you just went through). When I look back on both experiences, what I take away is that I was glad I was there. That neither had to die alone. As awful as the end was for both of them (both in a hospital setting) I know they know I was there and I can take solace in that. Hugs to you! | |
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tlsmi
PeaAddict
PeaNut 329,106
July 2007
Posts: 1,265
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 2/8/2013 10:31:40 AM
Yes, my Mom. I was there when she died and she was really sick for about 6 months prior. Fought cancer for 5+ years.
It was awful. Truly awful. Hospice had made us aware of the events that would lead up to her passing yet I was not prepared to actually witness it. I try to think of it (deal with it) this way, I was blessed to be there at the end with her.
So very sorry for your loss and IdahoMom, your post brought tears to my eyes.
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"The difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know, and I couldn't care less..."
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tee-pea
BucketHead
PeaNut 162,873
August 2004
Posts: 588
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/8/2013 10:34:44 AM
I'm so very sorry for your loss and the trauma its left you with. I just lost my sister to peritoneal cancer in January and it was devastating. She suffered insurmountable pain that even the heaviest doses of meds couldn't control. We couldn't even touch her without causing her more pain! Yet, it was necessary to do so, so that we could care for her so I understand your feelings of "damaged" as I feel the lasting effects of caring/causing her more suffering.
I am now only beginning to sleep through the nite. I think with time the horror of it all will diminish. In the meantime I'm trying to find comfort in knowing I did everything I could to care for her and that I did it out of love. Try to be kind to yourself/realize there are no answers for such senseless suffering.
I'm Walking through this grief ( I've lost many loved ones that have suffered but none to this deep degree) one day at time and trying to find comfort in knowing she's finally not in such pain. | |
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batya
Making the WWW better, one post at a time.
PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
Posts: 31,850
Layouts: 24
Loc: up on my high horse
| Posted: 2/8/2013 10:42:55 AM
No, I haven't. I am so sorry you had to experience that and that her suffering was so great in the end. How terrible. 
If after a time you can't adequately deal b/c of it, please seek grief counseling or help for PTSD or whatever the appropriate kind of help is. You have your life to live and children who rely on you. |
OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.
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lindywholoveskids
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 168,696
September 2004
Posts: 7,199
Layouts: 0
Loc: Northern California
| Posted: 2/8/2013 10:48:53 AM
You probably are going through PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
There are many therapists that can help, and there is support there for you.
I just lost a friend who battled cancer for years, and was in lots of pain even with hospice/morphine. She died in her sleep. | |
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scrapmaven
PEA-T-A-Mom's kitteh is a fraidy cat.
PeaNut 90,665
June 2003
Posts: 15,743
Layouts: 0
Loc: Wherever my little mind takes me
 | Posted: 2/8/2013 10:55:04 AM
The hardest thing I've ever faced was watching my mother suffer when she was dying. It was horrifying. She had always been healthy and had lots of energy and suddenly she was weak, terrified and in pain all the time. Plus, her melanoma was visible, so we could literally see it as it ravaged her body. 3 weeks before her death my father had a mild heart attack. At that point, I thought I'd been punk'd. When I got the phone call I just remember blacking out and coming to in a chair and I'm not a fainter. My father was her caretaker at night, because she was a home hospice patient. We had a daytime caretaker, so that he could work. My sister and I had to get there quickly and do everything that a caretaker would do. To this day that is the most surreal week of my life. Though my mother was slipping into a coma she was able to have moments of clarity where she would be so worried about my father, who was in the hospital, but recovering. 5 years later he did die having had a cardiac tamponade. He was in a coma for 5 days and then we had to remove his life support. It was by no means easy, but it was much easier than watching my mother suffer so much. The grief was different and not as punishing as it had been w/my mother.
Nothing can prepare you for the decline of your loved one and nothing can prepare you for the level of shock and horror. We wanted this to be quick, not because we wanted to lose our mother. On the contrary, I would have flown her anywhere for a cure. We wanted her suffering to end and we wanted her to be at peace. It's normal to feel guilty for those feelings, btw. It's very normal and it's OK.
The reassurance that I can offer you is that time really does heal the pain. My mother told me that joy would return. She was right. It took it's time and I was in that grief fog that so many people talk about. Everything was cloudy and gray, but things did improve and I found a new normal, as you will. In time you'll see your grandmother as she was when she was healthy and happy. For now, you're in the throws of grief. This is brand stinkin' new. Your job is to be sad and angry and all of the other feelings that accompany the death of a loved one. It's not a race and nothing you're feeling is abnormal. You saw someone whom you love suffer and that will haunt you for a while. Then it will lift. You'll have a good day and then suddenly more good days and before you know it you'll stop dwelling on her suffering everyday. It happens w/the time and space of healing. Give it time, sounds cliche, but it's true. The images will fade and the happy memories will replace them. Joy will return. It really really will. |
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ScrapnGranny
PeaFixture
PeaNut 11,212
February 2001
Posts: 3,143
Layouts: 94
 | Posted: 2/8/2013 10:56:04 AM
My dad passed away in January and he withered away slowly and it was very hard to watch. He was 90 and he suffered from dementia. His body simply gave out, but it was so gradual and painful to watch.
Like you, I prayed God would take him. He had stopped eating and could no longer speak. When the actual end came, it went fairly quickly. The staff alerted us the end was near. We spent the whole day with him and he passed early the next morning. I was with him when he passed and it was a relief to see him so peaceful. I'm very grateful to have been there holding his hand when he took his last breath. |
Janet
Granny's Score: Boys 5 ~ Girls 2
And yes, with my background, my opinion is worth more than that of a middle school teacher who can't get her facts straight.~ Batya
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WannaPea
No Peas for you ! Come back one year!
PeaNut 151,172
June 2004
Posts: 26,850
Layouts: 175
Loc: In my PJ's
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cdnscrapper
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 21,328
September 2001
Posts: 6,180
Layouts: 0
Loc: at my computer
| Posted: 2/8/2013 11:30:43 AM
I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. But it was so great that you could be with her when she passed, I always think it is important for people to be surrounded by their loved ones when they leave this earth.
I was with my one grandmother when she passed away and she just drifted off to sleep. I was with my dad when he passed away from colon cancer and it was the worst experience of my life. In his final day we had to experience him drowning in his own fluids for over six hours before he finally passed away. It was absolutely excruciating to have to watch him and wonder if he felt anything from it. He passed away almost two years ago and it took me around a year before I could get the image of him out of my mind on a daily basis. Unfortunately the only thing that helped me was the passage of time. At the time I was more worried about what he was experiencing than what I was seeing, but the aftermath of what I saw was a lot more than I had expected. | |
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PolarGreen12
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 319,638
May 2007
Posts: 2,710
Layouts: 24
Loc: Tulsa, OK
| Posted: 2/8/2013 11:39:29 AM
So sorry for the loss of your grandmother. And I know exactly what you mean about the relief you feel when the suffering ends.
My Gramma beat breast cancer only to get hodgkins lymphona 3 years later. She was down to about 80 pounds. It was horrible to watch. I was holding her hand when she passed as was my Mom. We would have done anything to ease her pain that we could have. I miss her terribly but so glad she didn't suffer any longer. That's what I focus on, that where she is now, that's nothing but a memory. |
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peaname
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 510,579
June 2011
Posts: 2,479
Layouts: 0
Loc: The Land of Steady Habits
| Posted: 2/8/2013 11:39:35 AM
My mom and sister held my dad as he died 8 years ago. I was on my way to get Chinese food!
As a nurse I often witnessed a person dying just after their family left, I think some people wait to be alone. I've also seen family members feeling badly that they weren't there but I know in my heart that the time you spent with your loved one counts more than the final moments. It's never easy and time will allow you to focus on other things. |
| "People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character." - Ralph Waldo Emerson | |
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Mallie
BucketHead
PeaNut 574,604
December 2012
Posts: 722
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/8/2013 11:39:46 AM
I spent a few hours last night listening to my cousin who, I believe, is suffering PTSD from being present at the death of our grandfather. She called me because I am the only person she knows who was present at the death of a loved one. Our grandfather's death was not peaceful and she does not in any way feel blessed by the experience. FTR, I don't feel blessed either; I feel that I did my duty and hope that I gave that loved one some peace with my presence.
If my ouusin's feelings were still fresh, I would have told her to allow grief its natural process, but this death was nearly 10 years ago, so I suggested she seek out counseling asap. | |
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enjoytotheend
AncestralPea
PeaNut 359,333
January 2008
Posts: 4,043
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/8/2013 11:40:54 AM
Oh big big hugs. I understand. Not completely because no two experiences are alike. But my sweet grandma died last Thursday. What you are describing is the end stages of life. Have you seen a grief counselor? The hospice that my grandma was in had a grief counselor. I would really suggest one. I am here for you if you need me. I know how you feel about the suffering. I felt like there were worse things than death. Seeing someone you love suffer is horrific. My grandma kept aspirating on fluids. I mean if it you need me let me know! I am walking through the same process. I miss her SO much. | |
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Heckofagal
PeaNut
PeaNut 319,348
May 2007
Posts: 463
Layouts: 1
| Posted: 2/8/2013 11:53:53 AM
My mother survived lung cancer but the years of smoking and chemo/radiation did its damage and she had COPD. Although she was on oxygen that last year some days she struggled with her breathing, although she still stayed pretty active.
While out playing bingo with a friend mom went down. Just stopped breathing and her heart stopped beating. Paramedics brought her to the hospital 1/2 mile away and she was resuscitated but put on a ventilator and the dr.s did not expect her to ever wake up or recover. (Said if she did wake up she would not mentally be normal from lack of oxygen.)
Several hours later she woke up. And she wanted off the ventilator. Dr. told us taking her off the vent she might never be able to breath on her own again. But we KNEW that is what she wated ( she had written directive not to ever be put on the vent bit dr. did not know that beforehand). So we took her off and she breathed on her own, with assistance of oxygen. Mom was completely there mentally and we began to think just maybe she could recover from this event. Then we learned that she had several broken ribs from the aggressive CPR that was performed to save her life. She was in pain and it would be a long painful recovery. However the heavy pain meds affected her labored breathing. So we came to the realization that this was not a recoverable event. We had a couple wonderful days where we got the chance to tell her we loved her and she got the chance to tell allof us how proud she was to be our mother. And by the end of it I was asking God to ease her suffering. And when she took her last breath she was surrounded by all 7 of her kids, most of their spouses, almost allof her grandkids and greatgrandkids. It was the most heart-breaking yet heart-warming moment I could ever imagine.
I'm sorry you are struggling with what you saw but your grandmother was so blessed to have you there. Please see a counselor to help you ease those memories. | |
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mirabelleswalker
My president has 6-pack abs.
PeaNut 175,521
November 2004
Posts: 10,954
Layouts: 14
Loc: Here today, gone to Morocco.
| Posted: 2/8/2013 11:58:37 AM
I am so sorry. Dying can be merciless and it is very hard to watch a loved one suffer. We are so used to tv and movie deaths that are peaceful and without struggle, and that is rarely ever how someone dies.
As Lindy said, you may want to explore treatment for PTSD. If you can find a therapist who dies EMDR you may have good results in a short period.
Again, my condolences. |
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AngelJunkie
AncestralPea
PeaNut 45,810
August 2002
Posts: 4,419
Layouts: 13
Loc: Over the Hill and Enjoying the View
| Posted: 2/8/2013 12:12:15 PM
Because of her DNR and life will, we sat vigil for three days while mom's lungs struggled to breathe, even with a little oxygen. Finally, she succumbed, quietly, but sometimes the sound of those rattling, rasping breaths bother me to this day.
In the end, I am glad that I was there. Because, as my sister said so well, "Mom was there when I came into this world and I want to be there when she leaves it."
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WillowJane
Running the Marathon, Not the Sprint
PeaNut 110,589
October 2003
Posts: 6,593
Layouts: 8
Loc: Texas
| Posted: 2/8/2013 12:14:31 PM
I watched my Dad fight a tremendous fight against small-cell lung cancer for 13 months. I watched him as he went through radiation and chemo. To this day I strongly believe it was the chemo and radiation that killed him faster than the cancer did.
My Dad died in my arms August 3 at 3:00PM.
When I start remembering that day, I always pull out my scrapbook and work to remember the good times and love he left in my heart.
It is tough now but time does heal. | |
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cocoanmom
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 285,775
November 2006
Posts: 2,624
Layouts: 31
| Posted: 2/8/2013 12:27:01 PM
I was with my Great Grandmother when she died. In someways it was a quiet and peaceful and beautiful thing. She was not feeling well so she was admitted in the hospital. Everything was just shutting down in her body so we called all of the family. Everyone was around her bedside till her last breath.The room was crammed full. I remember my Aunt whom she lived with telling her it was ok to go. That we all love her etc. Once she told her that..she slipped away. | |
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jodster70
To the right, To the right
PeaNut 51,257
October 2002
Posts: 5,569
Layouts: 28
Loc: Usually NSBR, an un"pea"dictable place :)
| Posted: 2/8/2013 12:36:50 PM
Yes... I was with my mom, and arrived right after they declared my dad dead. Some things still haunt me to this day about both their deaths.
I am so sorry about your grandmother's death, and especially about her suffering. |
**Jody**
"The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government -- lest it come to dominate our lives and interests."
Patrick Henry | |
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allipeas
PeaAddict
PeaNut 393,898
October 2008
Posts: 1,013
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/8/2013 2:06:17 PM
I appreciate SO MUCH your replies and words of support. I did attend grief counseling for my father's death and it helped me tremendously.
The situation with my grandmother was so much different than my father though. Even though my grandmother had two kids, I was her medical power of attorney. Her sister and I are the ones that took her to all of her treatments and helped her through the last year with all that she suffered through.
I had serious discussions with hospice and they indicated that my grandmother would more than likely die a painful death if she were to continue on the feeding tube. I tried to get my mother, who came in the last week to discuss this with her, but she refused and would not even let anyone talk to her about it. Her son stole her pain meds throughout her illness and even stole some pain patches off my grandmother's body WHILE SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL!
So I think a lot of that led to her suffering. But I helped to care for her when the hospice nurses were busy. I was unable to sleep for 2 1/2 days when I was with her because of how she coughed and aspirated fluid (feeding tube fluid as well) and I was so afraid that she was going to choke to death which was her biggest fear.
Because she couldn't speak, she had to write on a notepad to communicate. The last day before she died, she kept writing over and over, "Please God let me go." It was just awful.
And as she took her last breaths, a single tear fell down her cheek.
The feelings that I have over this are so different than what I went through with my father. I know I need to seek counseling...I'm just in the immediate raw stages of this and just feel....even hard to describe how I'm feeling. |
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Jodi_S
PeaAddict
PeaNut 228,581
October 2005
Posts: 1,250
Layouts: 5
Loc: Winnipeg, Canada
 | Posted: 2/8/2013 2:10:56 PM
So sorry to hear about your grandmother ((((hugs))))
As most have said, time does help. You won't ever forget, but it does get easier to handle the emotions. A grief counselor would definitely be beneficial.
And yes, I have witnessed it myself, with my husband. He was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and it had mets to his liver and lung. It was 3 1/2 months from the time he was diagnosed till his death. He was always in so much pain and went from a fit 180 lb man to 98 lbs. He suffered greatly, but was also very brave. I was with him, holding his hand, when he passed. It was the most tramautic experience. I had my 2 year old son that I had to worry about more than myself and kind of pushed through to keep my son living a normal 2 year old life. But it did all hit me about a year later and I did see a grief counselor which helped tremendously.
Its been 7 years now and I still remember, but I also don't break down anymore in tears. I remember more the good times and I also have my son, who looks a lot like his father and shares a lot of the same mannerisms.
It's only been a few days for you and it will take some time to be able to work through all the emotions of grief.
(((hugs))) again |
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corc50
PeaNut
PeaNut 487,415
November 2010
Posts: 16
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 2/8/2013 2:29:43 PM
I am sorry for your loss and your experience. As a retired nurse, I can tell you that unfortunately not everyone dies "pretty" like you see on TV. I commend you for being there for your grandmother during that difficult time when you could have easily stayed at home and waited for "the call." Eventually, the trauma of her passing will fade, but the knowledge that you were with her at such a difficult time will remain with you. Somewhere she is without pain and loves you all the more for being there when she needed you most. | |
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cat2007
PeaAddict
PeaNut 251,861
March 2006
Posts: 1,574
Layouts: 1
Loc: The great state of New York
| Posted: 2/8/2013 3:07:29 PM
My dad and I were with my mom. As a nurse, I had been present for many deaths but had, understandably, a really hard time. The ICU nurses were just wonderful. When I looked at the heart monitor and saw her heart rate start to slow, I knew it was only a matter of minutes. The nurse let me put the siderail down and hold her until she was gone. My poor dad was too upset to do it but it was peaceful. Like a previous poster said, we were together when I was born and we were together when she passed, the 3 of us.
I miss her so (it will be 13 years this August) and I will never forget what that nurse did for me. |
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AKathy
Peaing From Podunk
PeaNut 45,443
August 2002
Posts: 14,576
Layouts: 93
Loc: North Dakota
| Posted: 2/8/2013 3:10:21 PM
My mom and sister held my dad as he died 8 years ago. I was on my way to get Chinese food!
As a nurse I often witnessed a person dying just after their family left, I think some people wait to be alone. I've also seen family members feeling badly that they weren't there but I know in my heart that the time you spent with your loved one counts more than the final moments. It's never easy and time will allow you to focus on other things.
I'm peaname's Mom 
It's a very difficult thing to do. |
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Christine58
pea'rific teacher Union President
PeaNut 164,125
August 2004
Posts: 21,136
Layouts: 0
Loc: Western NY
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dreamerpea
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 211,290
June 2005
Posts: 6,571
Layouts: 0
Loc: somewhere dreaming
| Posted: 2/8/2013 3:19:39 PM
I am so sorry for your loss.
I know this sounds trite but Time heals all Wounds. Never truer words spoken.
My FIL died at home and I was haunted for a very long while. I still don't like to talk about it but the suffering was horrendous.
It has been years now. Hugs to you.
Write, talk whatever you need to deal with the pain.
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mommyfor b and p
BucketHead
PeaNut 274,929
August 2006
Posts: 937
Layouts: 1
Loc: South
| Posted: 2/8/2013 3:36:04 PM
Yes, my brother. It was one of the most horrible things I have ever had to deal with. He had Leukemia and we were told there was nothing left they could do. They called the family in and we sat there 15 hours watching him die. The doctors said they could not believe how much fight he had left in him. They expected him to go quickly and he did not.
My other bother died 3 years later from Hepatitis C and was at Vanderbilt on an emergency list for a liver. We were not in the room when he died all in the waiting room. It was still hard but not as hard as being there. I was given the chance to go back and see him after he passed and I just could not do it.
To this day, their deaths have made me very almost OCD over sickness and illness. It is very hard to deal with and people just do not seem to understand how it impacts you.
My dh and I were talking at lunch about how freaked out I have been this week because there are so many different things going around school right now. I tried to explain how sickness freaks me out so badly but I just do not think he really understands why I am the way I am. I KNOW I am irrational but I can't change how I feel! | |
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lucyg819
pearl-clutching nitpicker
PeaNut 201,774
April 2005
Posts: 14,375
Layouts: 15
Loc: gone to chemo with BethAnne
| Posted: 2/8/2013 3:36:51 PM
I am very sorry for your loss.
I was with my sister-in-law when she died. It was only a couple of days and pretty peaceful, but still very difficult for my BIL (her brother) and other SIL, her aunt, and me. She lived alone, had fallen in her home and couldn't get up. She was on the floor for 2-3 days before someone found her. Her organs started shutting down and they weren't able to bring her back in the hospital.
So we all had to and still are dealing with the guilt that none of us kept a close enough eye on her to have caught it sooner. I live an hour away but the rest of them lived close to her, but I feel just as guilty as they do.
It was an unnecessary death and it's going to haunt us forever. |
LUCYG
northern california
"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."
--Bertrand Russell
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lttlecrybby
PeaAddict
PeaNut 357,838
January 2008
Posts: 1,892
Layouts: 16
Loc: Georgia
| Posted: 2/8/2013 3:42:09 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. I was holding my infant son when he died. I was blessed to have about 30 minutes holding him at the end. I remember how hard it was watching him struggle to breath and whispering to him that it was ok. He could go. That we all loved him very much and that my grandfather would be waiting for him. He will always be my precious angel. I am very glad that we were able to be with him at the end. |
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Stephanie in TX
PeaNut
PeaNut 182,109
December 2004
Posts: 169
Layouts: 0
Loc: Mansfield, TX
| Posted: 2/8/2013 3:49:21 PM
Nothing can prepare you for the look and sound of someone dying.
It's been 16 months since my brother died, surrounded by friends and family. When I made the decision to remove him from the machines I was told it would be just a matter of an hour or two. It was 36.
We never left his side.
May God grant you peace. |
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UkSue
AncestralPea
PeaNut 428,374
June 2009
Posts: 4,248
Layouts: 2
Loc: Greater London
 | Posted: 2/8/2013 3:52:34 PM
I'm so sorry for all of you on this thread who have experienced this pain.
As a nurse I have witnessed many traumatic deaths and have always felt heartbroken for the families witnessing their loved ones in such pain. I honestly think you may need to undergo some counselling for this. PTSD is not unknown in such situations. Try to remember that she is at peace now and would I am sure hate you to be suffering like this. |
| Love is short, forgetting is long, and understanding longer still. | |
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disneypal
PEAS Porridge Hot
PeaNut 93,127
June 2003
Posts: 19,039
Layouts: 169
Loc: Somewhere over the rainbow
| Posted: 2/8/2013 3:56:33 PM
I was with my dad when he passed away - thank the Lord it was peaceful. He had been in the hospital though for 2 month prior and it was so hard to see him going through all he was. I was glad for him that he was no longer suffering but I was not relieved he was gone. I'm like you - it so hard to see someone you love suffering.
He has been gone just over a year now and I still struggle with processing it all. | |
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mommyfor b and p
BucketHead
PeaNut 274,929
August 2006
Posts: 937
Layouts: 1
Loc: South
| Posted: 2/8/2013 4:01:19 PM
Uksue,
I have to tell you as a nurse I do not know how you do it. When my oldest brother passed away, my dad walked out in the hall afterward and there was a nurse standing outside the door quietly crying. He hugged her and thanked her for all her care and help and to THIS day I think about how kind and compassionate she was to him. He had been there on another trip for over 20 days and we did not expect him to come home and he did. He got to know several of the nurses and they seemed to really care for him.
I still get tears in my eyes thinking that poor woman was doing her job but still felt so much for a patient. I do not know how nurses do it day in and day out. It was an amazing thing to witness that we were not just a shift but a real family in pain.  | |
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BEF2008
PeaFixture
PeaNut 183,504
January 2005
Posts: 3,940
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/8/2013 4:02:13 PM
Reading some of these stories has been therapeutic for me. I was with my mother in the last several hours of her life and I although I was prepared and knew it was imminent, I was still a little surprised at what I witnessed. I've been with other family members as they passed on and it was always quite peaceful. My mother's death wasn't as peaceful as I expected it would be.
To the OP, your description of your grandmother's passing (and I'm so sorry for your loss), reminded me of some things that happened to my mother that I had forgotten, and it hasn't been that long since her loss. Specifically mentioning the tears from her eyes ... it bothered me at the time and I had forgotten it until you said it. I guess I'm glad to know now it's "normal," (or at least not unusual).
I read so many accounts of what could happen or what to expect and it just wasn't anything like what I'd read. I thought I had fully prepared myself, but I hadn't. | |
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Knotlazy
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 266,627
June 2006
Posts: 2,916
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/8/2013 4:17:51 PM
This is a very hard thread to read...but I read each entry and sent each one of you a hug.
Years ago, I sat with my grandmother as she died from renal failure. She was still breathing when my father urged me to go home...so I did. 10 minutes later, my father's wife called to say she was gone just a minute or so after I walked out the door. I think she didn't want me to see.
I take care of my mother now...and will be the caretaker for my father and my MIL when they need it.
I live in fear that it will be so hard, like so many of you have been witness to. | |
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Anna in TX
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 23,002
October 2001
Posts: 2,097
Layouts: 11
Loc: TX
| Posted: 2/8/2013 4:31:14 PM
Hugs to each and every one of you. I had to stop reading half-way through the thread because I'm crying too much.
I was there when my dad passed. He had an aneurysm and was on a vent. We had them take him off of it and just waited for his heart to stop beating. That was bad enough, i can't imagine what most of you have gone through.
Hugs hugs hugs. |
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onlywork2scrap
BucketHead
PeaNut 263,742
June 2006
Posts: 856
Layouts: 11
Loc: Over by the shredder, of course.
| Posted: 2/8/2013 4:57:55 PM
My heart goes out to you. I was the only family member with my Dad when he passed. It has been 3 years and I still have a hard time talking about it, but I do take comfort knowing he isn't suffering anymore. I'm thankful I was able to talk to him right before he died. It wasn't a peaceful death (although I told my family it was). I told him it was ok to go. The nurse that was in the room with me cried too. For me, it doesn't get that much easier with time, I just deal with it a little differently.
I hope you are able to find some peace. It has only been a short time ago and that really makes it hard.
Just remember you were her comfort as she passed.
Terri |
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scrappintoee
luv my bulldoggies
PeaNut 24,213
November 2001
Posts: 5,425
Layouts: 106
| Posted: 2/9/2013 7:31:10 PM
I'm so sorry for your dear Grandmother and so sorry that you witnessed so much suffering!!! Not to mention your Dad and Uncle!!! I cannot even imagine how hard all of that has been...((( hugs ))))
I have been through it, but thankfully, there was no suffering. My precious younger brother had a massive brainstem bleed, and even though he was totally "gone", we had 2 days to say goodbye. When they took him off of life support, as his breathing slowed and his heart slowly stopped beating, my sister, Dad, and I were holding his hands....I absolutely could not look at his sweet face, , and it was the most painful, gut-wrenching, horrible event of my life.
You asked how others dealt with it...LOTS of crying, lots of talking to my family, more crying.....I still can't believe how MUCH or how HARD I cried ...sometimes I thought the tears would never end! For me, crying has been therapeutic.
I always *said* I'd go to a grief counselor and/or grief support group, but I never did (not that it's ever too late, it was only 4 years ago). You mentioned you went to counseling for your Dad, I hope it helped and that you will be helped by it again! Again, I am SO sorry---I honestly don't know if I could've handled all that your poor Grandmother went through!!! (((( hugs )))))
**and, (( hugs )) to ALL of you who have been through sad/ horrible times! | |
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I-95
It's all just nonsense anyway!
PeaNut 97,456
July 2003
Posts: 19,578
Layouts: 0
Loc: California, NY & Orlando
| Posted: 2/9/2013 9:32:20 PM
My mom was one who waited until almost everyone left the room to transition to the other side. We were with her for 5 days and when most of us decided to go to the hospital cafeteria for lunch, leaving one cousin to sit with her, she slipped quietly away.
The only person I have actually been with, while he passed over, was a total stranger. His car was hit outside my office, and a bunch of us heard the crash and rushed out. The boy had been ejected from the vehicle and was on the road. I was the first one there, and knew by looking at his injuries, that he wasn't going to survive. I sat down on the road next to him, and held his hand as he passed away. I would have wanted someone to that if it had been my son.
I wish I had been with my mom, but I guess she did it the way she wanted to. Both my mom, and the stranger, were unconscious at the time they chose to home to God, so they passed peacefully. | |
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moodyblue
PeaAddict
PeaNut 346,032
November 2007
Posts: 1,627
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/9/2013 10:04:27 PM
I was with many family members in the room when my sister-in-law died. Five years later I was the only person with my brother-in-law when he died. They both had Cystic Fibrosis. I am grateful that both deaths were pretty peaceful, and it did feel like a privilege to be there with him when my BIL died. We all knew he would not go while his wife was in the room, or the brother to whom he was closest, but I didn't want him to be alone, so spent the night in his room. Within minutes of his brother leaving the room and going outside the hospital to smoke, his breathing changed and he was gone a few minutes later.
My father died last March. I left for the hospital as soon as I got word that he was in the ER, but he died before I got there. I don't think it was pretty, but I also think, from what others said, that he was not really aware and was pretty much unconscious before he got there. He had a DNR and my mother and brother told them to stop and let him go (he was 92) and that was it. We all chose not to go in and see him, except for my husband who went in and got items we needed to take with us; he said it was probably best that we hadn't gone in.
I am grateful that the deaths I witnessed were calm and peaceful - more for their sake than mine. I wish no one had to suffer as they die, and I am sorry for those who go through it in pain and those who witness it and feel helpless. | |
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AngelJunkie
AncestralPea
PeaNut 45,810
August 2002
Posts: 4,419
Layouts: 13
Loc: Over the Hill and Enjoying the View
| Posted: 2/13/2013 3:23:33 PM
And as she took her last breaths, a single tear fell down her cheek.
Mom was steadfast and we were singing her favorite hymns when she passed with a tear. Someone in the room suggested that she had seen the Lord. We loved that thought.
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CTPea
PeaAddict
PeaNut 181,315
December 2004
Posts: 1,859
Layouts: 22
Loc: Connecticut
| Posted: 2/13/2013 3:50:40 PM
I was in the room when my uncle (who was like a second father to me) passed away from a rare form of cancer. I was there when the hospice sw told us the last sense to go was his hearing and this stayed with me. So, my aunt calls us to say that they had made the decision to stop food towards the end because he just could not swallow. That night those closest to him went to stay with him and we took shifts sitting with him in his room. He managed to make it thru the night and when he woke up the next morning my mother, my aunt (his wife) and my cousin (his daughter) and I all helped get him ready. We changed his clothes and he let out a huge breath and we knew that was it. We were sobbing but quietly because we all remembered what the hospice sw said. He took another breath in and oh what a battle of emotions when we realized he was still alive. A few seconds later he took his last breath and died peacefully with all four of us in the room. At that point we could not contain our sobbing. It was so much more than we could handle. I can honestly say that I have never been the same since. I miss him so much but can feel his presence strongly still.
It was horrible to see him in so much pain having to have patches of pain killers and going thru chemo that never worked. The disease took him in less than 6 mos from us and it is the reason I pushed up my wedding from the summer to the fall before. He saw me get married and that memory is burned forever in my loving memories of him. I can relate to feeling relieved because my uncle was a gregarious man, full of life, the ultimate jokester and the patriarch of our family and by the end he was just a shell of the he used to be and it was painfully difficult to witness. You are not alone. Even all these many years later, it is a horribly painful experience to relive at every anniversary of his death, so we try to focus on the many, many years of joy we spent with him.
The first time I called my aunt after my uncle passed his voice was still on the answering machine. OMG, I lost it and started sobbing and I could not control myself. Talking to her later she could not bear to erase his voice. I can understand but it was something I have to brace myself for each time I call her. |
Jenny
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meowgal
PeaFixture
PeaNut 182,333
December 2004
Posts: 3,292
Layouts: 96
Loc: Midlothian, VA (near Richmond!)
| Posted: 2/13/2013 4:06:38 PM
I'm sorry for your loss.
Twelve years ago, my father literally dropped dead in mid-sentence. I did CPR for about 20 minutes until the EMT's got there...they got his heart restarted, but with that much down time, he suffered brain death actually...so the next day, we took him off life support. I still think of him as dying in my hands though. I lived with a lot of guilt for a long time, but realize now that some things cannot be undone, even with CPR. |
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edie3
PEArnhardt
PeaNut 19,985
August 2001
Posts: 22,161
Layouts: 425
Loc: nc
| Posted: 2/13/2013 5:55:30 PM
My father had been in declining health for several years. He was diabetic had an above knee amputation and was on dialysis. He decided he had had enough and chose to go off dialysis. He was so ready to meet his Lord. He said he only had 2 regrets in life....not marrying my Mom sooner and not having more kids. How can you argue with that? It still hurt like crazy and still does. But he was ready and he made that decision. It think it made it a little easier on us. I think it was a gift from him.
My Mom was not ready. She went to the Dr. cause she was gaining a lot of weight. Stage 4 lung cancer. She died 36 days after her diagnosis. It was not pretty she wasn't ready and neither were my sisters and me. It was so much harder.
I wish you peace and comfort knowing that she is in a far better place. |
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