(Update) Wishywashy Date Response...should I give him an "out"?

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Posted 3/23/2013 by Pepper Cohoes in NSBR Board
 

Pepper Cohoes
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Posted: 3/23/2013 10:55:13 AM
Updating and requesting more advice. After I let him know original day wouldn't work, he suggested an early dinner after work last week. He is definitely "love-shy". Almost textbook. We learned a lot about each other's interests and laughed a lot. He did text me when he got home saying thank you but did not ask if I wanted to do anything else. He also texted a few days later saying Happy Easter, but he did not come see me today. Should I make another move? I'm not very patient (obviously) and I feel like his personality type may need a nudge, but I don't want to scare him either.
*************************************************************************

I am definitely dating illiterate. I don't have much, if any, experience in the dating process.

I posted a couple months ago about a work crush. Definitely not worried about work awkwardness since we hardly see each other and we don't work directly together. Soooo I kept making our paths cross and there was some very friendliness between the two of us but no approach from him. I had been learning a lot about him from others and how awkward, shy, and inexperienced he is. I even found out a coworker friend dated him for a little while. She is very outgoing and outspoken and so hard to imagine them together but she gave me lots of inside info about how she had to make all the moves. My initial response was that I didn't want any part of that, I want to be pursued. But I could not get him out of my head. So I finally mustered up the nerve to just ask him out. I didn't even care if the answer was no, I just wanted to move on one way or the other.

So yesterday I asked him if he'd like to go out over the Easter break. He had a wishywashy response...said we could play it by ear. Umm definitely wasn't prepared for that...I had a no response and a yes response prepared but not in between. So i told him to think about it and let me know but then he made the suggestion that we could meet somewhere halfway which I was surprised he remembered where I live (40 mile difference). I suggested breakfast thinking it was quirky like we are and he's an early morning person and breakfast is less pressure than dinner? He suggested the monday after Easter and then we exchanged numbers.

The thing is I was thinking I had the day after Easter off because we get the Monday after Thanksgiving off. He does have the Monday after Easter off because he's a different classification than I am. I could use PTO but now I'm thinking this is a good opportunity to give him an "out". Tell him I don't have the day off like I thought and see if he suggests a new day or just let's it go? I could just text him because I did ask if he texts and that way he wouldn't feel the pressure to say yes as in person or over the phone.

Thoughts? Other than I suck at this!


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liya
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Posted: 3/23/2013 11:01:26 AM
I would text him that you don't have the day off and you suggest another day; if you really want to go. See what his response will be.
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dreamerpea
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Posted: 3/23/2013 11:02:12 AM
Ack! I feel your pain. I shouldn't even reply since I haven't been in the dating scene forever but I remember your post and feel for you.

First off good for you for having the courage! Next...will you see him again? before the 'breakfast?

If so I would mention you don't have the day off and see how he responds. I like a personal approach because then you can see how he reacts instead of a text.
If you are anxious and just want to find out instead of waiting then just text and see how he responds.

Either way good luck!




Pepper Cohoes
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Posted: 3/23/2013 12:01:08 PM
Thanks! I feel like a teenager trapped in an adult body.


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Gsquaredmom

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Posted: 3/23/2013 12:01:41 PM
If I did not pursue my husband, he would not be my husband.

He suggested it. Now it does not work for you.

"Hi, I am really sorry, but it turns out I don't have that day off.. Is there another day that is good for you? We could have lunch or go out for coffee if that's easier for you."

I would not leave it hanging. I owuld pursue a definite alternative plan.



likescarrots
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Posted: 3/23/2013 12:06:17 PM
I'm confused, he agreed to a date with you so I don't understand why he would want an "out". Just because he didn't want to pick you up 40 miles from where he lives doesn't mean he didn't want to go on a date with you. If you can't go because of your schedule just tell him you forgot you don't have off on monday and can you do it next saturday. Don't play silly games.

Pepper Cohoes
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Posted: 3/23/2013 9:11:07 PM
Likescarrots, I never intended for him to drive 40 miles to pick me up. I only ever imagined meeting halfway or meeting after work as an option. It's just that I would have rathered a "no thanks e.g." over a "let's play it by ear". It wasn't until afterwards that I realized that a wishywashy yes out of niceness was a possibility. This is all new to me.

I did text him and he responded back that we could go for an early dinner after work sometime. So I said that would be great and to let me know when is good for him. So, I'm hoping I'm doing us both a favor by putting the ball in his court. But who knows. I very well could have made it worse.



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Basket1lady
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Posted: 3/23/2013 10:21:05 PM
Well, I was only 17, but I did ask DH out first. I honestly don't think he would have ever asked me out, even though he later admitted he liked me for a few years before we ever went out.

That was almost 30 years ago and we are still going strong. We are best friends and I am more in love with him than ever. He makes me crazy at times and boiling mad at other times, but I still wouldn't give him up!

Sometimes guys are just shy. I'd work to make that first date happen and see where things go from there.


Michelle
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Pepper Cohoes
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Posted: 4/2/2013 5:07:58 PM
Bumping for additional advice.

voltagain
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Posted: 4/2/2013 6:16:06 PM
Should I make another move? I'm not very patient (obviously) and I feel like his personality type may need a nudge,
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Think about what YOU want in a relationship. Do you like doing all the pursuing? Or do you want to be pursued some of the time. You already know one woman who dumped him because she had to do all the pursuing.... take that as a warning. It IS who he is.

If you were married to him would you be happy being the one to always make the plans? If yes, make another move. If you want a man to pursue you, make the plans, take the lead some of the time... then don't make the next move.

He sounds to me like a guy that either isn't ready to be in a relationship or is looking for someone who is going to be happy leading him around. Do you want to always be the leader, planner, no spontaneous romantic moves from him?

He has shown you who he was with your co-worker. Now he is doing you the same way. Believe him!


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AncestralPea

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Posted: 4/2/2013 6:44:54 PM
I always thought that women do the actual pursuing but we have a way of making it seem that it is actually the other way around. At least that's how we did it 100 years ago when I was dating

andtyler
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Posted: 4/2/2013 8:14:09 PM
I think that you should have gone to breakfast with him...



Sierramoon
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Posted: 4/2/2013 8:46:55 PM
I think you should wait for him to ask you out. You made the first move, y'all had a good time, now the ball is in his court.




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AKathy
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Posted: 4/2/2013 10:27:22 PM

I think you should wait for him to ask you out. You made the first move, y'all had a good time, now the ball is in his court.

I agree.


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TinCin
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Posted: 4/3/2013 3:11:21 AM
I think you should ask him out again. He may just need that nudge but will be fine when he gets more comfortable with you.


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pjaye
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Posted: 4/3/2013 4:28:36 AM

Should I make another move? I'm not very patient (obviously) and I feel like his personality type may need a nudge, but I don't want to scare him either.

No.

No matter how inept or shy or awkward a man is, if "he's really into you" he WILL make the effort.
It sounds like he 'friend likes' you and he sounds like a nice enough guy who doesn't want to give you the wrong idea.
He's had plenty of opportunity now to move this along and the fact is he hasn't.
Time to let it go.

Pepper Cohoes
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Posted: 4/3/2013 5:11:35 AM
Thanks everyone. Excellent advice.


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pelirroja
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Posted: 4/3/2013 7:50:12 AM
I agree with pjaye: he knows how to find you and get in touch with you. Like a game of chess, the next move is up to him. Guys who are motivated will find a way to you, regardless of shyness, social ineptitude or whatever. Don't work too hard for this: if he needs a nudge, he's not into you enough. You shouldn't be doing all the work, right?


Pelly





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StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 4/3/2013 7:54:51 AM
Let him persue you if he is interested.

luvmythree
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Posted: 4/3/2013 8:30:13 AM
The ball is in his court, I think you're trying to hard and that may scare him away. Good luck


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