Not sure what I've gotten myself into....need boundary help **UPDATE**

Two Peas is Closing
Click here to visit our final product sale. Click here to visit our FAQ page regarding the closing of Two Peas.

Posted 4/2/2013 by HdoubleJ in NSBR Board
1 2 >
 

HdoubleJ
PeaAddict

PeaNut 153,712
June 2004
Posts: 1,483
Layouts: 1

Posted: 4/2/2013 10:16:55 AM
There is a young guy that my DH and I have known for 5 or 6 years, his name is Jordan. He is 21 years old but his mental capacity is about that of a 15 year old. We went to church with Jordan and his dad and step mother for quite a few years. While Jordan was in high school, DH would have him help us on the farm and I would help him with his home work. We were trying to make sure he would get through high school.

His parents have never taught him how to do ANYTHING. He doesn't know how to balance his check book, cook or any other life skills including social ones. After he graduated from high school we saw less of him but he still kept in contact.

Up until a few months ago, he was living with his dad but they had a falling out and he moved out on his own. There is way more to this but I will keep it short.

About a month ago he called and was upset because he thought he had overdrawn his checking account and needed me to help him figure it out. I balanced his checkbook (which had never been done) and we figured out that he still had a little money left. I told him he needed to get a budget and stick to it and I would show him how to keep his checkbook balanced.

Since then, he's been at our house several times a week. I help him pay his bills (with his money, we haven't given him any money and I don't intend to) and we talk about his job and that he needs to find a full time job instead of just part time or he won't be able to pay his bills. Lately he has been showing up right at supper time (if he isn't working)and eating with us.

I like Jordan, I really do or I wouldn't be helping him, but it's gotten to the point that it's almost too much for me to handle. DH and I have 3 kids of our own to care for. DH has started a second shift job recently so all of the childcare and chores are on my shoulders. Add in Jordan who is texting me several times a day and coming to the house at night and I'm about at my breaking point. I feel bad though because he doesn't have anyone else to turn to. He doesn't get along with his mother, another long story but she isn't very motherly to say the least. I'm just not sure where to go from here. He is very sensitive and if I tell him he can't come to the house he gets his feelings hurt and feels abandoned. I'm just not sure how to handle this situation.


***UPDATE***
I just wanted to thank you guys for letting me talk this out. Tonight Jordan came over at supper time and I asked if he was going to stay and eat. He said no, he would find something at home. (In "Jordanspeak" this means...yes I was going to stay but I didn't want you to ask me directly .) I told him I had some things in the basement that I needed moved to the storage shed and if he moved them then he could stay for supper. He smiled really big and said OK! He went outside to move his truck around the back of the house and my oldest DD said...ya know, he's more like an older brother now than anything. She said at first it really bothered her that he was here all the time but now it's just normal.

After supper I told him it was his job to clear the dishes off the table while the girls unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher. He also got good news today about a pretty definite job that will suit his needs and sounds like it will be a great work environment. Right now the girls and Jordan are sitting at the kitchen table playing cards.


Julie

Luvnlifelady
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 289,166
December 2006
Posts: 19,658
Layouts: 7
Loc: Southern California

Posted: 4/2/2013 10:23:45 AM
Could you maybe have a standing appt. time where he could come over? Maybe set it up to discuss anything he's having trouble with like paying bills, or other tasks. Maybe a Thursday night or something after dinner? That way hopefully he starts trying to find others to hang out with and leaves you to take care of your family.

Can you help him find any community resources that may help him find another job or that would help him learn some living skills?



PSILUVU
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 427,403
June 2009
Posts: 2,831
Layouts: 16
Loc: Canada's Capital

Posted: 4/2/2013 10:25:59 AM
What a generous person you are.

What if you had a "date" night or a standing appointment once a week where he was welcome for dinner and you could help him with any issue at that time. If you set if for the same day and time every week then he would know that he could count on you during that time period(and hopefully only that period). You will know you have to do it the one night but your other nights are free.

I guess my suggetion only worksd if you still want to help him. If you want to cut him off altogether I am not sure how to do that without some hurt.


Kelli


Please ignore the typos..I do know how to spell, I DON"T know how to type



biochemipea
likes shiny things

PeaNut 114,614
November 2003
Posts: 22,668
Layouts: 499
Loc: Ontario, Canada

Posted: 4/2/2013 10:27:49 AM
I agree with the above two posters. I think a once a week date would work well, if you want to continue to help him.

Does your community have resources to help people like him who need additional life skill training?







See things that shine on Pinterest, Instagram, and YouTube.


HdoubleJ
PeaAddict

PeaNut 153,712
June 2004
Posts: 1,483
Layouts: 1

Posted: 4/2/2013 10:29:24 AM
I don't want to cut him off completely, I just need some separation. LOL I tried last week to set an appointment with him. I told him, come to the house at 7 and we will talk about your bills. He showed up at 6:00. I asked him, didn't I say 7, he said yeah, but I was bored so I thought I would come early.

ETA:

Can you help him find any community resources that may help him find another job or that would help him learn some living skills?


Some but not much...and get this...his mother works at the only place that offers these services and isn't helping him!


Julie

Luvnlifelady
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 289,166
December 2006
Posts: 19,658
Layouts: 7
Loc: Southern California

Posted: 4/2/2013 10:36:07 AM
As for his coming by early, could you tell him you won't be home until a certain time? Or tell him that you're helping the kids with homework and can't help him until 7 or whatever time it is.

Can you get a little firm with him without him getting hurt? If he shows up early, tell him next time that you expect him at 7 and it should be 7.



Oliquig
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 210,654
June 2005
Posts: 5,221
Layouts: 207
Loc: Connecticut

Posted: 4/2/2013 10:37:57 AM
You are doing a very kind thing. You need to be firm. If he has no social skills, then if you let him in at 6 instead of 7, he thinks its okay. You need to sit down with him and explain what is and what is not okay. Speak plainly: Jordan, I said I would meet you at seven. I am not available until then. You may go home and come back in an hour. I will be more than happy to help you at seven. Next time please call me first to see if is okay to come over early.

It may sound harsh, but from what you say, he doesn't get social clues.

Also, call your state or town and see if he is eligible for any programs through them. He could qualify for aid whether it is money or food or a person to help teach him life skills. Seriously, these programs are meant to help people like Jordan.


-Rachel

I just don't see why people think I'm too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they were stupid.)






icedpea
PeaAddict

PeaNut 562,203
July 2012
Posts: 1,239
Layouts: 0

Posted: 4/2/2013 10:40:46 AM
This may not be what you want. You are helping him. He seems bored and maybe lonely. Is there any possible way he could help you? This way you both win, he gets to spend time with you and your family. You get help with something he is capable of doing.

HdoubleJ
PeaAddict

PeaNut 153,712
June 2004
Posts: 1,483
Layouts: 1

Posted: 4/2/2013 10:40:56 AM
You are right, I'm going to have to get firmer with him. Maybe if I tell him 7 more often he will get the message. He was texting his girlfriend the other night while he was at my house. She told him that we just needed to adopt him. Jordan said, I think they already have. He's just so comfortable he thinks of us as family. Which warms my heart and stresses me out all at the same time.


Julie

HdoubleJ
PeaAddict

PeaNut 153,712
June 2004
Posts: 1,483
Layouts: 1

Posted: 4/2/2013 10:43:37 AM

This may not be what you want. You are helping him. He seems bored and maybe lonely. Is there any possible way he could help you? This way you both win, he gets to spend time with you and your family. You get help with something he is capable of doing.


I need to think about this...maybe I can come up with something, thank you.


Julie

Free~Bird
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now

PeaNut 104,551
September 2003
Posts: 11,788
Layouts: 3
Loc: Missouri

Posted: 4/2/2013 10:45:49 AM
he sees you as his mom. That part of me would make me a lot more tolerant of him.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My paintings on etsy:
Cease Watercolor Arts - Coupon code: imapea - 20% off for Peas!!



My Photography website and blog:
Cease Fire Studios

leftturnonly
Will trade mosquitoes for cookies.

PeaNut 416,788
March 2009
Posts: 22,257
Layouts: 0
Loc: Living in Kim's Perfect World, again.

Posted: 4/2/2013 10:45:50 AM
My sister basically adopted her chldren's friend when he was a teen for similar reasons.

My sister is a saint.

That boy is now a productive man with a wife, children and home of his own, and sis and her husband are considered the grandparents.

Your help really may make all the difference in the rest of his life. It's a truly good thing that you have done.


Maybe you could tell him quite plainly that you are going to teach him the ground rules of boundaries because this is something that he needs to know as an adult. You will be happy to help him at such & such a time that you will set aside for him if he needs your help. Part of how you are taking care of your responsibilities for your family means that you prioritize your time and this is a skill he can learn from you.

Honesty given with compassion goes a long way in a situation like this.





If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.



HdoubleJ
PeaAddict

PeaNut 153,712
June 2004
Posts: 1,483
Layouts: 1

Posted: 4/2/2013 10:50:14 AM

he sees you as his mom. That part of me would make me a lot more tolerant of him


I think this is why I'm having such a hard time, I'm just not sure where that line is. Or, does it matter? I think it's one of those situations where if you have a guest in your home you feel like you have to entertain them where family you don't. He is somewhere between guest and family, if that makes sense.


Julie

LLinIN
PEAlicious

PeaNut 246,234
January 2006
Posts: 328
Layouts: 0
Loc: Indiana

Posted: 4/2/2013 10:50:15 AM
I don't think showing up right at suppertime is a coincidence. Coming early, coming frequently, and the suppertime makes me think he needs your help, but sounds like he also needs food. Being firm is good, but I would definitely see if he qualifies for any type of food stamps or something. Have you asked him if he has enough food?

MizIndependent
Is there another word for synonym?

PeaNut 256,623
April 2006
Posts: 15,004
Layouts: 2
Loc: Right where I'm s'posed to be.

Posted: 4/2/2013 10:51:08 AM

Your help really may make all the difference in the rest of his life. It's a truly good thing that you have done.
ITA.

((((hugs)))) You're an angel for helping this kid out. It's alright, though, to stick to your boundaries. Just be gentle and very clear about it.


I asked him, didn't I say 7, he said yeah, but I was bored so I thought I would come early.
"The reason I asked you to show up at 7 is because I have things in my schedule I need to finish before you arrive. I'm happy to help you, but I need you to arrive when I'm ready for you."



Youtube: Hungry For Change - Your Health is in Your Hands. Dieting doesn't work, this movie tells you why.

Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behavior does.


HdoubleJ
PeaAddict

PeaNut 153,712
June 2004
Posts: 1,483
Layouts: 1

Posted: 4/2/2013 10:55:59 AM

I don't think showing up right at suppertime is a coincidence. Coming early, coming frequently, and the suppertime makes me think he needs your help, but sounds like he also needs food. Being firm is good, but I would definitely see if he qualifies for any type of food stamps or something. Have you asked him if he has enough food?


I ask him every day if he has food and he says yes but I figured out this weekend that he didn't have much to eat. (I'm learning that I have to ask very specific questions in the right way to get answers.) The church I work for has a food pantry so yesterday I gave him a lot of food from there. He still showed up at my house last night at about 5:00 LOL.

ETA:


"The reason I asked you to show up at 7 is because I have things in my schedule I need to finish before you arrive. I'm happy to help you, but I need you to arrive when I'm ready for you."


Much better answer than what I gave, thank you.


Julie

leftturnonly
Will trade mosquitoes for cookies.

PeaNut 416,788
March 2009
Posts: 22,257
Layouts: 0
Loc: Living in Kim's Perfect World, again.

Posted: 4/2/2013 11:02:23 AM

He's just so comfortable he thinks of us as family. Which warms my heart and stresses me out all at the same time.






He's not a guest. He is family now. It's OK to treat him like family and not like a guest.

Really.







If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.



leftturnonly
Will trade mosquitoes for cookies.

PeaNut 416,788
March 2009
Posts: 22,257
Layouts: 0
Loc: Living in Kim's Perfect World, again.

Posted: 4/2/2013 11:03:48 AM
Oh, and if he insists on showing up early, he better be ready to help cook and clean or do other chores that need to get done.





If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.



HdoubleJ
PeaAddict

PeaNut 153,712
June 2004
Posts: 1,483
Layouts: 1

Posted: 4/2/2013 11:06:12 AM
Ya know, the other day, I almost told him to take out the trash maybe I need to!


Julie

JENNRS24
PeaNut

PeaNut 132,195
February 2004
Posts: 98
Layouts: 0
Loc: Indiana

Posted: 4/2/2013 11:06:30 AM
I agree with all of the advice you've been given but wanted to say what a kind and generous person you are! He is lucky to have you in his life.

leftturnonly
Will trade mosquitoes for cookies.

PeaNut 416,788
March 2009
Posts: 22,257
Layouts: 0
Loc: Living in Kim's Perfect World, again.

Posted: 4/2/2013 11:07:03 AM
Absolutely tell him to take out the trash!

You won't regret it.







If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.



angela1422
Trying to find Narnia

PeaNut 312,012
April 2007
Posts: 8,946
Layouts: 9

Posted: 4/2/2013 11:22:12 AM
Yes, he needs to help with chores. Don't feel bad about it - I have "family" we've adopted - friends, most our age, some younger. "Family" here is routinely asked to help with dishes, trash - shoot - a few weeks ago I had some girls over for a movie marathon and I was wrist deep in cookie dough and the washer was unbalanced so I asked BFF to handle switching laundry for me.

You'll both feel better if he starts helping.




"Do you know what the chain of command is here? It's the chain I go get and beat you with to show you who's in command!"



Sometimes I wonder if God made stupid people purely for the entertainment of the rest of us.

dottyscrapper
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 311,985
April 2007
Posts: 2,051
Layouts: 0
Loc: UK

Posted: 4/2/2013 11:24:16 AM
You're one in a million Julie for helping him the way you do.

It sounds as if he does actually see you as family,he's sort of popping in to see Mom and Dad type of way.It doesn't sound as if he thinks of himself as a guest in your home in the same way as you do. He must feel really at ease doing this, bless him and that is probably because you care so much.

I agree with the others that you need to suggest a specific time for calling. Can you possible get him to do a few odd jobs to help out, such as yard work or similar. If you explain your schedule to him in a way....."I'd love you to call on a Wednesday & Friday evening and if you could clear the yard for me while I'm seeing to other things( or something similar)then you're more than welcome to stay for something to eat with us, we can sort out anything that you need seeing to then" something along those lines but point out that you have things to do on the other evenings and you might not be there, so you don't want him to find that you're not at home or don't have the time to sort things out for him.




emmafrost
BucketHead

PeaNut 486,917
November 2010
Posts: 679
Layouts: 0
Loc: Maryland

Posted: 4/2/2013 11:30:50 AM
Does the church, any church, offer services that could help him.







leftturnonly
Will trade mosquitoes for cookies.

PeaNut 416,788
March 2009
Posts: 22,257
Layouts: 0
Loc: Living in Kim's Perfect World, again.

Posted: 4/2/2013 11:31:16 AM

Can you possible get him to do a few odd jobs to help out, such as yard work or similar. If you explain your schedule to him in a way....."I'd love you to call on a Wednesday & Friday evening and if you could clear the yard for me while I'm seeing to other things( or something similar)then you're more than welcome to stay for something to eat with us, we can sort out anything that you need seeing to then" something along those lines but point out that you have things to do on the other evenings and you might not be there, so you don't want him to find that you're not at home or don't have the time to sort things out for him.


I love this gentle & firm approach!






If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.



Mary Kay Lady
I'm thinking . . .

PeaNut 367,913
March 2008
Posts: 5,459
Layouts: 0
Loc: The state of Confusion!

Posted: 4/2/2013 11:54:10 AM

To me, it sounds like Jordan needs some nurturing and sees you as a mother figure. You can work this out so that its a mutually benificial sitation.

He needs to learn what a family looks like and how it operates. You need some help around the house. Why not unofficiall adopt him as a big brother to your children? You could have him do chores like take out the trash, wash the car, help the younger kids with their homework, mow the lawn, etc.

In exchange, perhaps you could feed him a meal or two each week and help him learn some life skills like basic cooking, budgeting, etc.

You are very kind to open your heart to this young man. I'm sure that he appreicates the love and support that you're showing him.


jenjie
PEAsed to be here

PeaNut 88,667
May 2003
Posts: 23,917
Layouts: 283
Loc: NJ

Posted: 4/2/2013 11:56:43 AM
This whole thread makes me . You've gotten some wonderful advice OP! thank you for your kindness to this young man.


~Jen


Idahopea
AncestralPea

PeaNut 118,464
December 2003
Posts: 4,266
Layouts: 0
Loc: Idaho

Posted: 4/2/2013 11:57:59 AM
You are very, very kind to help this young man out. It sounds like he really needs you and your dh to show him how to be an adult.

In our family we have a saying... The first day you are company, after that you are family! Family helps out around the house. Taking out the trash, making salad, clearing the table and loading the dishwasher, etc. He probably needs help learning how to do these things anyway so you can use the opportunities at your house to show him how.

You will still need to set some boundaries though or you really could end up with another member of the family with him hanging out all the time at your house. I think you are going to have to sit down and have a heart to heart talk and explain that while you love having him over sometimes, you really need to know in advance so you can be prepared. Maybe mention to him that you don't always have enough dinner for an extra person and you would feel bad about not being able to give him some or something along those lines. You can explain that your kids need you to help them with their homework or whatever and that while you love to visit with him, you really need to do those things on certain nights.

He may be looking for a place where he is accepted and could be using the needing help excuse as a way to get in the door. I'm not saying that he doesn't need the help, just that he feels he can show up if he has a reason. If you don't care if he is hanging out around your house, then I would just go on with our regular routine and not treat him like company. Make him feel useful by asking him to do stuff for you and telling him it would really help you out so much if he could do ______. It could help his self esteem and make him feel good to know you value him while teaching him some adult skills. He might love that at first, but could find you all rather boring after a while if you are not entertaining him when he comes over.

Good luck!

MrsScrapDiva
PeaFixture

PeaNut 101,638
August 2003
Posts: 3,932
Layouts: 2
Loc: New Hampshire

Posted: 4/2/2013 12:03:15 PM
I agree that he really looks up to you. You are what he needs in his life right now.

How about you put him to work when he gets to your house. Set the table, dishes, trash, maybe some work in the yard. Tell him you will make a deal with him that if he does some work for you, you will exchange for help with the bills and a warm meal.

Scrappin Bunny
PeaAddict

PeaNut 436,594
August 2009
Posts: 1,153
Layouts: 0
Loc: Oklahoma

Posted: 4/2/2013 12:08:26 PM
What a wonderful person you are!
I agree with all the previous posters, but having had experience working at a food bank and experiences at my church, I have a few other things to suggest.
- There is a program called Bridges out of Poverty that I suggest you look into. It would help you with what you are doing for Jordan and it can help Jordan learn some of the lessons he needs to learn to get ahead in the world. It uses a very comprehensive approach to help people out of poverty and has been very successful.

-If you call 211 in some areas of the country, the people there can tell you about all the different programs in the community for helping the poor.

Good luck to you both!

Melmag
PeaFixture

PeaNut 412,747
February 2009
Posts: 3,176
Layouts: 0
Loc: In a room, in a house, in a dream

Posted: 4/2/2013 12:08:29 PM
You are an amazing and generous person, doing such a kindness to this young man. On behalf of all citizens of any community, thank you!

You've gotten a lot of good advice from this thread. I especially agree with the advice to not only give him chores to do, but also to help him to learn boundaries.

Regarding the food issue, you mentioned that his parents had never taught him to cook, and that when you ask if he has food, he says yes. Having food and knowing how to make a meal out of it are two separate things. Can part of his new chore list be to help you make dinner once or twice a week? Who knows, maybe one day he'll be cooking a whole meal for you and your family!


May your day be more beautiful than a unicorn farting rainbows!

scorPEAo
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 181,836
December 2004
Posts: 5,651
Layouts: 0
Loc: YouSeeDavis

Posted: 4/2/2013 12:40:28 PM

he sees you as his mom. That part of me would make me a lot more tolerant of him.


This. I haven't read all the replies, but I don't get why it's stressing you out. I'd tell him that since he's a part of the family he can help out as part of the family unit. Put him to work, and relieve yourself of some of the burden. I think you are a very kind person.



HdoubleJ
PeaAddict

PeaNut 153,712
June 2004
Posts: 1,483
Layouts: 1

Posted: 4/2/2013 12:41:18 PM
Thank you for all the wonderful advice! I knew I could count on the peas . Since it's getting warmer here it's going to be really easy to ask him to do some outside work, especially with DH working seconds and such long hours. I will start asking him to do other things around the house as well and we will have a conversation about him calling before he comes. I'm going to check out the Bridges out of Poverty site right now. Oh, and I told him the other day he was going to have some cooking lessons coming his way.


Julie

HdoubleJ
PeaAddict

PeaNut 153,712
June 2004
Posts: 1,483
Layouts: 1

Posted: 4/2/2013 12:50:11 PM

I haven't read all the replies, but I don't get why it's stressing you out.


I think it's because I haven't made that step to make him part of the family. I was saying earlier that he's somewhere between a guest and family which makes it stressful because there's things I need to do, like home work and baths for my kids that I feel like I can't because I have to entertain him. I think I just have to let that part go and do what I need to when he's there and he can help do other things while I'm busy. It's just a balance that I haven't figured out yet but will. I hope that makes sense.


Julie

scrappin mama
Will I ever get to Buckethead?!

PeaNut 105,398
September 2003
Posts: 405
Layouts: 3
Loc: Kansas City suburb

Posted: 4/2/2013 12:53:40 PM
Op,you are a wonderful person for helping him. It gives me hope for the world we live in. So many people would just cut him off.

It sounds like he has a developmental disability. If he does, is he getting any help from the county and/or state? Is he collecting social security/disability? I wonder if he needs a case worker to help you. This is really too much for one person to handle.

I'm a mom of 2 boys with autism. I worry so much about what will happen to them when I'm gone. I work hard at preparing them for adulthood. I'm so sorry that the father your friend didn't prepare him well.

megmc
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 497,090
January 2011
Posts: 7,223
Layouts: 1

Posted: 4/2/2013 12:59:30 PM
give him chores to do. I don't know any farmer who doesn't need more help.


I think I see a huge garden in your future, plus you would be giving him life skill of learning to provide for himself.


finally~a~mama
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 438,682
September 2009
Posts: 2,989
Layouts: 0

Posted: 4/2/2013 1:04:24 PM
OP, you are doing a wonderful thing! My advice was going to be the same as already given. Treat him like family & put him to work. It sounds like that is what he needs -- family & the "know how" to do things.




HdoubleJ
PeaAddict

PeaNut 153,712
June 2004
Posts: 1,483
Layouts: 1

Posted: 4/2/2013 2:24:54 PM

It sounds like he has a developmental disability. If he does, is he getting any help from the county and/or state? Is he collecting social security/disability?


I do believe he has a developmental disability but has never been diagnosed. I've wondered if he would qualify for any assistance but without a diagnosis I wasn't sure how to go about that. I also wasn't sure what he would think about going down that road and whether or not to bring it up. It's something we may have to address at some point but hopefully we can find him a good, stable job that will fit his needs better. The job he has now would work except he just isn't getting enough hours to be able to pay his bills.


Julie

Margeux
BucketHead

PeaNut 219,867
August 2005
Posts: 894
Layouts: 5

Posted: 4/2/2013 3:36:51 PM

This whole thread makes me . You've gotten some wonderful advice OP! thank you for your kindness to this young man.



This and many others! Be a firm, loving, mentor. You and your family are awesome! Jordan is learning skills for the real world, and just think, YOU are a major part of that. He trusts you. Wow! I don't know the situation with his dad but to move out, and trust an adult, is pretty amazing. You not turning him away (WITH FIRM LIMITS) its amazing.


**Margeux**



jenjie
PEAsed to be here

PeaNut 88,667
May 2003
Posts: 23,917
Layouts: 283
Loc: NJ

Posted: 4/2/2013 9:31:49 PM
I take back what I said about showing kindness. You have done so much more. You've invested in him. You are making an impact on his future.


~Jen


AmeliaBloomer
BucketHead

PeaNut 509,476
May 2011
Posts: 815
Layouts: 0

Posted: 4/3/2013 4:36:22 AM
If he has/gets a diagnosis, he might be eligible for state assistance (vocational assessment, job training, money for community college remedial classes) from the state rehabilitation services office and/or federal assistance ($$) through Social Security.

If he had an IEP in high school, he can get a copy of the disability diagnosis from them. If he wasn't diagnosed in high school (and how sad is that?), somebody in the h.s. special ed office might be willing to point him in the right direction. At the least, he needs IQ testing, and probably achievement testing.

Community college (especially their remedial classes and/or disability services) could also be helpful for both referrals and enrollment.

[You're a really good person. Don't feel bad about imposing limits, asking for help around the house, or even asking him to buy the ingredients to make a dish at your house when he eats there - all of which will help him in the long run.]



Quokka
PeaFixture

PeaNut 87,007
May 2003
Posts: 3,339
Layouts: 18
Loc: QLD, Australia

Posted: 4/3/2013 4:57:46 AM
I work for a disability employment service provider in Australia. Is there anything local like that in your area you could call and ask them for advice? I know the employment consultants where I work have a lot of knowledge and experience about what's available in locally. They also know a lot about the process for other government/help services.

You're doing a great thing helping him with life skills. My co-workers have helped clients with similar things so that they are job ready. You can't get a job and keep it if you don't know certain basics. It really is beneficial for them in the long run.

Gilly.



MACNana2
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 114,805
November 2003
Posts: 2,020
Layouts: 4

Posted: 4/3/2013 9:20:58 AM
Julie, when I was an impulsive teen, my minister's wife would let the youth group just show up at her home in the evening. She began to give us chores to do, we would have serious conversations, and she made such an impact on my life. After she adopted a child, I would come over and be a mother's helper for her. I would clean the baby's room, helped her freeze food she blended for the baby. I learned so much because she was willing to allow me to become part of her family. I learned to schedule time for others, how to take care of needed chores, etc.

Jordan needs a firm hand and friendship as well. It is ok to tell him this is not a good time or to do chores if he wants to stay. I appreciate that you are willing to help him. Just make sure you help him to develop life long skills.

PhotoHorse
PeaFixture

PeaNut 66,309
February 2003
Posts: 3,634
Layouts: 13
Loc: Central Iowa

Posted: 4/3/2013 10:59:21 AM
Good fences make good neighbors. Good kids respect the space you need - but you've been training your own kids all along. It sounds like he's willing to be 'trained' in how you want him to behave, if that's what's necessary to spend time with you and your family. Tell him that 7 really means 7 because you need to be on a schedule and need to get your own things done before he arrives. Limit his time when he's there. Tell him when he needs to go home.

Texting - take your time replying, then, in person, tell him that you really aren't much of a texter. Maybe he could just write down/save his issues for the day he comes over. If he has immediate access to your advice and time, it sounds like he'll be taking advantage of that.

Thanks for making a difference in someone's life.

Pridemom
Pride of the Peas

PeaNut 25,575
December 2001
Posts: 19,818
Layouts: 45
Loc: Stuck in the Middle With You

Posted: 4/3/2013 1:00:37 PM
In the US, each state has Centers for Independent Living. I work for one. These are not residential homes, but agencies that provide Independent Living (IL) Skills training, Peer Support, benefits counseling, etc. They are partially funded by grants from Division of Vocational Rehabilitation (VR). It's likely that he would qualify for services from VR. VR can pay for education, work assessment, job coaching, training, etc. He can make an appointment with VR to see what they can help him with vocationally.

If you google Centers for Independent Living and your county/state, you will find the CIL that serves your area. They will do an intake and be sure that he asks for IL Skills training.

Thanks for helping him out.





Proud Wife and Mom to four big goons!
I cannot be old enough to have three teens and a tween.

God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially formed you to
go through it, not without pain but without stain.
-- C. S. Lewis


houston249
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 198,947
April 2005
Posts: 2,088
Layouts: 0

Posted: 4/3/2013 1:31:18 PM
Maybe it is not so much that he thinks of you as family, but that his social life hinges completely on your household? Some people just are not taught this is a difficult but nessesary skill.

If so, some coaching on your part about having and how to make additional social connections are essential for everybody. Additionally, I would even encourage him to resipricate your hosptality and have you all over to his place 1-2 times a month. This way he will also be learning these social skills in a safe enviroment, with people who value him.

HdoubleJ
PeaAddict

PeaNut 153,712
June 2004
Posts: 1,483
Layouts: 1

Posted: 4/3/2013 7:00:03 PM
Thank you for all the kind words and advice. I appreciate it. I'm going to check on the Centers for Independent Living in our area and see what I can find there. You all have been very helpful!

ETA: We are about 5 hours away from the closest CIL


Julie

andtyler
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 251,639
March 2006
Posts: 2,891
Layouts: 27

Posted: 4/3/2013 7:58:33 PM
Does he also spend time with his girlfriend and her family or is your family his only support system currently?



HdoubleJ
PeaAddict

PeaNut 153,712
June 2004
Posts: 1,483
Layouts: 1

Posted: 4/3/2013 8:46:04 PM
I haven't really figured out the girl friend situation yet. They text a lot but he doesn't really seem to actually see her much but they work at the same place.

Today, my sister and I took all the kids zip lining since the girls are on spring break. I told him last night that I would let him know when he would be able to come over since we were going to be gone. Today he called me a couple times and I didn't answer, then he texted me and said he really needed to talk to me. I called him back and he started telling me about his truck not working right. I told him that I was spending time with the kids and that I would call him when I could talk. He then texted me twice after that and I didn't answer.

When I figured out what time I could help him today I told him to meet me at my house at 7. He said ok. Seven came and went and he didn't come so I called him. I asked if he was coming, he said yes. I said what are you doing right now, he said watching a movie with his uncle. (I'm not sure who his uncle is or how much he sees him.) I told him that I was not available tonight to help him since he didn't call or show up and that in the future he needs to let me know if he isn't coming or going to be late. He said he was sorry and that next time he would call.

He wanted to meet tomorrow night but we are going to my mom's for an extended family dinner and I won't be home. I kind of feel bad but he should have let me know something tonight when he wasn't coming.


Julie

scorPEAo
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 181,836
December 2004
Posts: 5,651
Layouts: 0
Loc: YouSeeDavis

Posted: 4/3/2013 9:37:55 PM

He wanted to meet tomorrow night but we are going to my mom's for an extended family dinner and I won't be home. I kind of feel bad but he should have let me know something tonight when he wasn't coming.


Don't feel bad. If one of your own children did the same thing you would probably respond the same. He needs boundaries set, and this is a starting point.


1 2 >
Show/Hide Icons . Show/Hide Signatures
Hide
{{ title }}
{{ icon }}
{{ body }}
{{ footer }}