if you have had a parent die......would you open this and help me

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Posted 4/2/2013 by ginacivey in NSBR Board
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ginacivey
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Posted: 4/2/2013 12:58:16 PM
curious as to how others have handled this new situation for us

my FIL died november 13
my mother in law met a companion in the town she has a vacation home in -
she met him the beginning of january

we just found out about 3 weeks ago - she met him 7 weeks after FIL died

her two sons (my DH and BIL) are really having a hard time with it

i think they feel she didn't mourn her husband long enough before moving on

right now they are both very angry -

i don't know exactly what question i have...except maybe..have you gone through anything like this?

we all want her to be happy. but right now there are so many mixed emotions about this whole situation.

she decided to skip my DILs baby shower and didn't come back in time for the birth...so maybe part of the sting is that she seems to be choosing 'down there' for 'here'

anyway - i just thought i'd see what others had experienced

gina

Kelpea
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:00:20 PM
Everyone grieves differently. And honestly, we don't know details of your IL's situation. Were they a happy couple? Had she been unhappy for a long time? Or was everything great? Is she the type of person who needs a "caregiver" personality?




scrappower
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:04:07 PM
How long do they think she should have to wait before going out with someone? It really isn't up to them to judge her for that. Not their place to be honest. Do they have a reason to dislike him?



ginacivey
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:07:21 PM
kelpea - 47 years - very happy relationship - she did marry at 16 and has never been alone

scrappower - i don't know if there is a time frame they had in mind - they aren't judging - they are hurt - and i guess you can't just tell a person 'don't be hurt' can you? we haven't met him - to be honest at ~four months the pain is still pretty raw.


ginacivey
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:08:55 PM
and i am just really here..talking it out.

not looking for y'all to agree or disagree but to hear different perspectives

if you don't like me - stay out and don't bother being a bitch to me about this


megmc
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:09:17 PM


Some people still need to have companionship, and can't manage without it.

scrappower
Allons-y Alonso

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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:10:01 PM

scrappower - i don't know if there is a time frame they had in mind - they aren't judging - they are hurt - and i guess you can't just tell a person 'don't be hurt' can you? we haven't met him - to be honest at ~four months the pain is still pretty raw.


I do get that, but what good does that do honestly. At her age she probably doesn't want to be alone and is probably feeling her own mortality quite strongly. Honestly I would hope they can just chin up and wish her well. Life is just too short you know.

And I am not being a bitch, just pointing out that sometimes it just isn't worth feeling angry over things. It solves nothing and makes it worse.



sunny 5
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:11:11 PM
you know, if you have been married a long time, you are used to having someone around..to eat a meal with, share activities, etc. it may seem strange to the kids, but why waste time being lonely if you find someone to share stuff with?

life is short...and when you are older, life is even shorter.

it is the kids' problem to get over...and they should.

it can feel weird, but so what.

Gsquaredmom

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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:14:04 PM
No one can dictate another person's grief path and timeline. There used to be all sorts of time rules, but I think social pressure cannot always dictate an individual's degree of grief and happiness.

Maybe she is done grieving, OR maybe this is how she assuages her pain.



Carolina Girl 71
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:14:11 PM
I have read somewhere that the people who are happily married seek out another relationship after their loved one dies. Those who were unhappy take more time.

It seems really fast, but if her DH was ill for a long time before he died, she may have done a lot of her grieving process while he was still alive.

I know it's hard, especially for her sons, but hopefully they can accept it and support her.


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ginacivey
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:14:26 PM
scrappower - my comment wasn't really directed at you - i just figured there are plenty of peas that like to kick a gal when they are down -

i think she does need someone to take care of her - i get that - it's getting the boys to 'get that' -

they both feel that accepting a new person is some sort of betrayal

and sometimes you can understand something in your head but your heart can't (at least not yet)

have you all dealt with anything similar or just speculating?

gina

Carolina Girl 71
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:15:55 PM

she decided to skip my DILs baby shower and didn't come back in time for the birth...so maybe part of the sting is that she seems to be choosing 'down there' for 'here'


It may be that it's too hard for her to deal with the memories by being in your town.

The other thing I thought about was to make sure that the man she met is not a "gold-digger, after her money!" Not to worry you, but just be cautious!


"I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven't slept all night, I'm starved, and I'm armed! Don't *mess* with me!" Gracie Hart, Miss Congeniality

"NSBR is a place where some horses are never dead enough that they can't be dragged out of the closet for one last beating." Elaine, 6/18/11


scrappower
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:18:39 PM
I dealt with it with my grandmother, when my grandfather died she got into a relationship pretty quickly. My dad was actually okay with it though because he worried more about her being alone. I was weird at first, but I never felt it was a betrayal. Just different. They had three happy years before he then passed. She honestly hasn't been the same since them. She says it is hard because she is the last sibling, friend, etc left. Her kids are still alive, but no one in her age group/friends. It was better when she had a companion.



jennifw
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:19:22 PM
Was your FIL ill and he eventually died or was it a surprise (like a car accident or something) I think the reaction to each type of death is different for every person, but could be similar depending on the circumstance.

In my case, my dad was sick for a long time. We had quite a while to "deal" with him dying. He got really sick in the last few months and we were all quite relieved when he finally passed away. He was at peace and we all had time to say goodbye and prepare. If that is the situation, I can see where your MIL was receptive to meeting someone new. She may have dealt with being the caregiver for a dying person for a while and had already grieved the loss of her spouse. Your DH's siblings need to suck it up and realize that having their mom happy doesn't diminish how much she loved their dad.

I am sorry for your loss and the fact that everyone is hurting.

scrappitypea
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:19:52 PM
My uncle and cousins are in a similar situation. My aunt passed away just over a year ago, and a few months later my uncle began seeing a woman from his church who is a widow, and someone he and my aunt have/had known for many years. My three cousins are all handling it differently. Two of them are extremely angry, one is hurt. They were all very close to their mom, and have always been a close-knit family, so I don't think they thought that their father would pick up another relationship that soon. Honestly, I think my aunt probably gave him her blessing to be with someone else and be happy, and not martyr himself by being alone for the sake of martyrdom, before she passed away. I understand the (adult) children having a hard time with it. It's not easy for anybody. Emotions are running high and everybody's heads are mixed up. From the family rumor mill, my uncle and this woman are considering eloping... We'll see. Sooner or later, I think everybody will accept the situation for what it is, but that's hard to do when you are in the throes of grief.








ginacivey
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:20:34 PM

The other thing I thought about was to make sure that the man she met is not a "gold-digger, after her money!" Not to worry you, but just be cautious!

the thought has crossed my mind...but i think it's the other way around
she has mentioned many, many times that she is worried about how she'll make it - she has options - like selling some land - but she doesn't want to
she talked about find her a 'rich man' the next time around
and i think she has
from what i can tell -

these people are basically my parents as well - i've been in the family 20 years and live a mile from them - i see/saw them every day

my own family is far away -

i'll be okay with it (not that it matters) because i get it -

she's lonely
she's worried
she likes to have the companionship
she need security
and i know that this man will never take her husband's place

i just hope that the boys can work thru their issues sooner, rather than later - cos right now the family dynamics suck!

gina

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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:21:28 PM
It may help her sons to know that sometimes people in the happiest of marriages are the first to leap into a new relationship. They know how wonderful marriage can be - they've experienced the joy of sharing their life with someone. They want that again. People who had difficult marriages are often quite happy to remain alone.

It probably won't though. Your husband is dealing with his own grief, it's very easy to WANT to be angry - especially for men, it's a much easier emotion to deal with.

My only advice is to not double down on pain. It's very common for a family to tear themselves apart because someone doesn't grieve the way they want them to. Let time pass.


ginacivey
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:22:57 PM
3 years ago - cancer diagnoses - remission after 18 mths - remission until a routine MRI showed 5 five brain tumors - died within a month of that MRI

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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:25:11 PM
my adult sisters and i feel that our stepmother met and moved on with a man wayyyyy quick after my dad died. they're married now (5 years?). he's a schmuck. none of us can stand him. although, my brain realizes that anyone who stepped into that role was doomed from the start.

that's my stepmother, though. if it were my mother i feel like i could talk to her about the pain it caused me a little more openly.

i realize now that my stepmother wanted/needed to be in a relationship, whether it was to get over my dad or just because. that's her way. and she seems to be happy. which is what we want for her. so much.

i still feel it was too quick, especially with minor children (my brothers) involved.

but all i can say is to give her time. and don't feel slighted. try, anyway.


Carolina Girl 71
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:28:40 PM

3 years ago - cancer diagnoses - remission after 18 mths - remission until a routine MRI showed 5 five brain tumors - died within a month of that MRI



I'm so sorry. IMHO, she probably has been grieving for a long time, and that's why it's easier for her to move on - not forgetting the past but being ready for a new relationship. She saw him daily and had much more time to work through the grieving process.


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"NSBR is a place where some horses are never dead enough that they can't be dragged out of the closet for one last beating." Elaine, 6/18/11


SharlaG
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:28:45 PM
Some of us hold our parents to romanticized, unrealistic standards. Plus the sons' own grief is affecting their perceptions, perhaps.

But I don't know anyone in this situation, so have no helpful insight based on actual experience.

I would worry about my mom, if she established a relationship that quickly after dad's death. I'd worry the fellow wasn't honorable. Was taking advantage. That sort of thing.







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kellybelly77
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:29:11 PM
When my dad died my parents had already been divorced for 15 years so I have no other direct experience other than my grandmother.


Some people still need to have companionship, and can't manage without it.


This is exactly my grandmother. She had been married for 55 years when my grandfather passed away. Around the same time, a family friend of theirs had passed away leaving the husband alone. They reached out to each other to get through their grief and for companionship. They married within a year of their spouses dying, but had spent most of their time together after the deaths.

In the last 12 years that they have been married they have supported each other through all the grief and mourning of their respective spouses and I fully believe that it has kept my grandmother alive longer than if she hadn't married him.

My mom tells people that the only time in my life that I have ever been speechless is when she told me that grandmother was getting married again! It was shocking but we all soon realized that it is what she needed to carry on with her life. Everyone handles grief differently and I think it was best for us to support her in her decision rather than add to her grief by not approving. Now 12 years later we look back and can't see what the big deal was and we are thankful that he has been by her side through some recent health scares!


Kelly

bethping
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:29:22 PM
My MIL passed suddenly after a scheduled surgery. About 6 months later, having spent the winter alone in the house, FIL went on a road trip to visit old friends. He reconnected with a widowed lady he'd know for a long time, they took turns visiting each other, eventually moved in w/ her in another state, then got married. For me, it was OK, and while I'm not sure he is done grieving (even after several years), he is happy, content and they are a good match.

Each situation is different, but maybe encourage her to let you all meet the new man in her life? If your FIL had been ill for a long time, maybe she's just enjoying the lack of stress and being out of the house where it all happened...kind of like an extended vacation.



scrappysailorswife
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:30:23 PM
My Dad died almost 3 years ago. I loved my Dad, but he was not a good husband or father. He was selfish and made bad choices. My Mom spent three years caring for him before he died. I would love it if she met someone that she could go do things with. My Mom loves to go out and to travel. She's 71, and very fit and active. It would make me so happy if she could find someone who shared her interests and appreciated her the way my Dad should have.

I think it's possible that your MIL finding a special friend so quickly is actually a testament to your FIL and to their marriage. If she hadn't been happily married, it is unlikely that she would have entered in to another relationship so soon after her husband's death.



froggy one
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:32:11 PM
My parents were married over 50 years when Mom passed away. I wish Dad had met someone. He is very lonely and depressed. I would much rather have seen him stay happy. I think it is really up the them. Let her be happy.
I would be more upset that she didn't come for the shower or birth. But maybe she felt uncomfortable.


Karen

grammanisi
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:32:26 PM
I have dealt with this with my dad. My parents were married almost 45 years when mom died unexpectedly. They had been together to since he was 14 and she was 15. No other boy/girlfriends for either of them.

He started seeing this woman a year after mom died. None of us were to happy about it, but we knew he was so sad and lonely that he needed that companionship. She is completely different than our mom: loud, crass, drinks LOTS of wine, loud...lol! She is kind of hard to take, but is very good to him and he is healthy & happy, so we just bite our tongues and treat her well and thank her for making our dad happy, again.


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Scrapbrat1
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:32:45 PM
I will validate your DH's and BIL's feelings.

My mom passed away in 2000. I did not experience the situation you described, but I can tell you that if my Dad had met someone and was in a romantic relationship within a few months after she died, I would have been extremely upset, and I think my sisters would have been, too. I understand what everyone is saying about people grieve differently and all of that, but the truth is that that is what my reaction would have been. I am positive of it.

A year later? We would have been happy that he was moving on and had found someone. But not within a few months.


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twinjocks
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:36:01 PM
My personal situation is not the same, in that it was a "socially acceptable" six years after my Mum died that my Dad remarried, but I can say that my overwhelming emotion was gladness that he was happy again. Sadly, he himself died only 2 years later. I like my stepmother, but even if I didn't, I still wanted Dad to be happy.

I think if children are still living in the home, then it is their business if someone new is going to be moving in, but if they are grown and gone (as were my brother and I), then it is absolutely not their business to interfere.

A close friend of mine died a few years ago, and her husband met someone new 4 months later. Many of the original couple's mutual friends were really angry with him, but my opinion, again, was that if he was happy, then I was happy for him, and I told him so.

I believe that everyone has more than one chance at love in life, and why turn down what might be the second chance, just because other people think the timing is wrong.

Julie

TinyDogMafia
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:36:07 PM
After my best friend died, she was 35, her husband began dating someone new within three months of her passing. He was married and had a new baby on the way in about a year.

I was shocked. They had had a great marriage, were best friends, and he stood by her every moment that she was sick. I could not rectify what I perceived as him "forgetting" about her in three months. I was actually already in grief therapy after losing my mother very suddenly right before this. My therapist was great. She really made me see that there is no time table for these things. And while it may be hard for those of us on the outside, we shouldn't judge someone else for their choices after they have suffered such a loss. Everyone is different.

It took me a LONG time to deal with it. Months. But after I got to a place with my own grief, I realized that even though he was happy in a new relationship, he was still grieving for my friend every day in his own way. He had never "forgotten" my friend. It was just how I had perceived it. It was a very hard time because I loved him as a person and I wanted to support him and everything he did, yet in my heart I felt like I was betraying my friend if I supported his new relationship. It was complicated. She had been my best fried for over 25 years. I felt he was living a life with the new lady that he should have been living with my friend. I did a LOT of soul searching during that time. In the end I eventually made peace with it. I'm not proud of the way I felt at times, and I've never really discussed it with anyone other than my therapist. I was embarrassed that I felt upset about it and I never for a second wanted anyone to feel I wasn't supportive, even if I hadn't accepted it.

I am rambling, but I just wanted you to know my true thoughts on the situation. While it wasn't a parent this happened with, I was invested in a relationship with this guy for over 15 years while they had been together, and she had been my BFF my entire life.





Ginger21
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:36:18 PM
My dad died when my mom was pregnant with me. She was the type that always had to have a man in her life and they always were more important than me.

My grandma lost her husband when she was only in her 50s and she was never ever interested in another man. He was the love of her life.

Some people just can't be alone and others are content on their own. My mom still mourned my dad and was never really happy without him. He was the love of her life also.




manomo
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:36:52 PM
My FIL died at 55 in a tragic accident. It wasn't long before my MIL was seeing somebody from the small town she had lived in all of her married life. My DH was stunned and angry. He couldn't understand how his mom could dismiss her husband and their life together so easily. The only thing he ever said to her was that he felt this relationship was too much, too fast. They married not long after and remained married for 20+ years until his death. It was not a good fit and my DH was right when he said things were happening too quickly. We all understood that she was very lonely and heartbroken but, in the end, it was her decision to make.

I definitely understand your DH's pain but I don't have any advice. We couldn't figure out how to handle it, either.

always dieting
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:37:59 PM
My grandfather married someone he met within 6 months of my grandmother's death. They had been married over 50 years. There were eight children living at that point. The two sons were angry - the daughters were just relieved that he had found someone and didn't need to be alone. As it turned out, she was after his money. When he passed, she took everything and his children didn't even get any memorabilia. Everyone was angry at that point!!

ginacivey
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:38:57 PM
i do think it's the time period - it just feels so new.

it still feels like he should pull in the driveway

and it's hard to hear about the concerts they are attending and how much fun they are having

i realize it's probably some escapism for her - but we don't get to escape

we are here taking care of her house (wood heat), her seven horses, chickens, cats and dogs

so i think maybe there is some resentment there too

it's hard to be happy about a bonfire on the beach when i am breaking ice so the horses can drink -

it feels like ten kinds of screwed up -

i hate when people add shit later on in a thread to validate their own feelings...i didn't think they info was necessary - but evidently it is - because i think that is where some of the anger is coming from

gina

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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:41:18 PM
We experienced a similar situation after my MIL passed away. FIL started dating dating within a month and was married three months later.

Honestly, it caused a huge rift in the family that may never be repaired. All of the (adult) kids were still reeling from their mom's death and it was so hard to see FIL seem to move on (of course, he hadn't really moved on and went through major depression). They tried to express their feelings to their dad and asked him to slow down and he basically told them it was his life and his business. Really couldn't have handled it worse.

The new wife seems nice enough, and three years later they appear to be happily married. But I'll always question why she didn't slow things down a bit and try to help preserve his relationship with his kids. He was obviously in a compromised state of mind, but she should have seen the consequences. If they had waited just a few more months to marry, I think things would be so much better now.


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Nancie52
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:41:50 PM
I think it's human nature to feel that way tho.. how can you help it... but you just have to accept it and move on and let them live their lives..


My FIL found someone within about 2 months after my MIL passed away (many years ago)..she had been sick for two years.. and it was tough on his adult children to accept that he was seeing someone,,, even harder when he ended up with someone ELSE (not the 1st woman).. that was so totally opposite of MIL.. TOTALLY opposite.. but he is just the type that needs a companion....and she was good for him and took care of him... My sister, on the other hand, lost her husband about 10 years ago.. and she is very content being by herself, with her kids and grandkids nearby,, she makes friends easily, travels whenever she wants to.. it's just the person's nature.




JanGram
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:53:21 PM
Just because she is in a new relationship does not mean she is not grieving or that she has betrayed his memory. She is just doing it differently.


Jan




Luvnlifelady
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Posted: 4/2/2013 1:54:59 PM
My father has been gone for 13 years. Mom hasn't even dated as far as I know. However, I don't think she was that happy being with my dad, so I feel like she's enjoying her freedom.

If she had started dating that soon, I can see where feelings would be hurt. However, if your FIL was sick, maybe they discussed it?



DawninTX
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Posted: 4/2/2013 2:01:59 PM
my husbands grandmother died 17 years ago at the first of November and his grandfather met a younger lady and remarried in February. It was very hard for everyone to understand why he did things so sudden and behind everyone's backs. Most of the family worried she was a gold digger. She took care of him, cleaned up after his incontinence and was just an overal great companion. She took great care of him up until he passed away. Something that noone else in the family would have been able to do. When he died, my FIL started digging things out of the closets at their house the evening before the funeral to figure out what he was going to take... i was TICKED off... It wasn't the time to discuss the division of people's belongings...

Everyone else accepted her in the family... just give it time.



KelleyD
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 4/2/2013 2:02:46 PM
My mother died very suddenly at the age of 46. She had been married to my father for 28 years. She died in June, by August he was dating his secretary enough to feel comfortable telling me (age 24) and my brother (age 18) about it. Things were ugly. The following January he moved in with her and her teenage children, and eventually they married.

His wife is very nice, but I will be honest and say that it still doesn't go well. I didn't realize how much my mother held my family together until she wasn't there anymore. Her children are adults and have their own children now, and they are the priority.

Probably 5 or 6 years ago I decided that the hurt feelings and resentment were not benefiting me and that I had to let them go. Her family and grandchildren have become his family, and my kids get what is left over. I continue to invite them to everything, but choose not to tell my kids until we get there and they have showed up.

The reality is that nothing will change unless your MIL decides it is a problem. Your DH and BIL just have to deal with it until they decide it doesn't matter which is something you don't just change overnight. I wish I could tell you that everything was fine, but it didn't turn out that way for me. It's tolerable, and that has to be enough. There is no good to be found in your DH and BIL deciding she didn't grieve for him long enough, it isn't a decision that they get to make. Really, they have no idea how happily she was married or if she and her husband had talked about how long she should wait until she dated again. Even to family things look different from the outside.

I hope that your family finds peace soon.


Kelley, mom to Cameron and Becca

dottyscrapper
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Posted: 4/2/2013 2:05:36 PM

i'll be okay with it (not that it matters) because i get it -

she's lonely
she's worried
she likes to have the companionship
she need security
and i know that this man will never take her husband's place

i just hope that the boys can work thru their issues sooner, rather than later


Have you discussed the above reasons with your DH and BIL?

I also think that the older you are when you lose a loved one the more difficult it is to adjust to being alone.
Your DH has you to share his grief with and comfort him. Who does his mother have - no-one. I know that you and your DH and BIL are there for her but to a certain extent your day to day life hasn't completely changed, hers has in all that she does.

My BFF's mother did this after about 3 months too. BFF was terribly upset about it. I suggested that they have a heart to heart discussion about it rather than my friend get angry. They did. Her mother explained how lonely she was, not in the romantic sense but purely for companionship. She liked going to the theatre, movies etc and all this stopped when her DH died. She had no one to share a restaurant meal with even as all her female friends were still married.
It wasn't about not mourning her DH or a betrayal of his memory. She assured my friend that she would never ever forget her father but the friendship she had with her new companion was different to the love she had for her late DH.

Maybe if your DH would see it from this point of view rather than " oh she didn't take long to forget my Dad" type of reasoning, he might understand.

I'm sure that attending the baby shower would have also been painful for her, celebrating a new life when she was mourning the loss of a life and probably wishing with all her heart that your FIL was there to share it with her.Choosing to stay away was a lot easier than trying to put on a happy face and pretend she wasn't hurting I guess.

Hopefully your DH and BIL will see it differently as you seem to be able to, when they try and understand all the reasons.

It is a difficult situation to deal with.




scrapmaven
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Posted: 4/2/2013 2:06:01 PM
This is not uncommon, but it's so hard on the children who want to protect their mom as well as the memory of their dad. It's very soon and I think that says a lot about your mil's fears of being alone, as well as her grief process. She's used to having a man around the house. Nothing your dh or siblings say will change her mind, but the kids can work as a team to support eachother. Everyone is still freshly grieving and your dh might feel that his feelings aren't being honored. It's a complicated situation. I think the only thing I can recommend is that your dh and siblings be there for their mother, but set boundaries w/her. There is nothing the children can do to stop their mom from rushing into anything. So, their job is to deal w/their own grief and live their lives as best they can. I'm sorry Gina. Your dh is lucky to have you. You are a really supportive wife and I can tell that he is very loved.


_____________________________________________________

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

writermom1
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Posted: 4/2/2013 2:07:29 PM

we all want her to be happy.


Then I say this with tough love kindness - stop judging what she needs to grieve.

I've heard it said that a hasty re-relationship does not reflect POORLY on the deceased. In fact, it says that the surviving partner loved marriage/relationship and is seeking that again.

Make room for him in your/their lives and you will see her more often. I don't think this is as much her "choosing" one over the other - as trying to tiptoe and keep the parts of her life separate.

If her boys give the new guy a chance things can go smoothly. It also allows them to get close and keep an eye on things.

I am so sorry for your loss.




KeithUrbanLovinPea
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Posted: 4/2/2013 2:08:41 PM
My mother passed away in February of 2000, 8 months after a stroke and 2 months after being hospitalized and pretty much not cognizant. My parents had been married 39 years with many ups and downs. My father started dating someone he had known from a job about three months after my mom's death. We suspected it but he didn't fess up until about three months into it.

We were thrilled. He was so lonely and sad. She was a widow and they were friends before they started dating. She called to check on him. I think they bonded over shared grief. They have been married twelve years (my dad is 81!) and I know from talking to them both that not a day goes by that either of them don't take a moment to remember their former spouses. They acknowledge that those relationships are what made them who they are today as individuals and as a couple.

I agree with others... Everyone's grieves differently. I think it's ok to be hurt and angry if you are the child, but just as we expect our parents to respect our adulthood, we in turn must do the same for them. No one can fully understand another person's decisions, but we can all try to see life through their eyes.


Lisa in Texas/KULP
Mommy to two beautiful girls and Urban Crazy since 2004!

luckywife
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 4/2/2013 2:27:39 PM
I went through this when my Mom passed away. My parents had been happily married for almost 40 years when my Mom passed away from cancer. About 6 months later my Dad started dating a lady we all knew (my hometown is very small).

I, and my siblings, were very upset at first. Then, a few months after they started dating, I called my Dad, and she answered the phone. Turns out he had the flu, and she was taking care of him. She was joking about how much of a baby he was being, and how she was taking care of him (totally in a joking manner, I knew exactly what she was talking about). It really made me realize that even though my Mom had died, my Dad deserved to be happy, and to have someone special in his life. I talked with my siblings, and even though none of us were overjoyed or anything, we all made an effort to be nice to her and to accept her. Good luck.


Mrs. Steven Rudy


peanuttle
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Posted: 4/2/2013 2:30:14 PM
Gina,

First off, I am sorry about your FIL's passing.

My grandpa did the same thing when my grandma passed. They were married 50 years and she passed at age 70. He went right out and started dating and within a year married a woman 15 years younger than him. We are horrified.

Overtime, I came to realize that he could not stand to be alone. This was his way of grieving my grandmas death.

It was extremely difficult on the family, especially my mom. My grandma was the best anyone could wish for and losing her was difficult, but the sting of immediately dating made it so much worse.

We eventually figured out what was going on and accepted her into our family, but it was hard.

Shih Tzu Mommy
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Posted: 4/2/2013 2:44:34 PM
SEVEN WEEKS!? I don't care if she hated the man, he deserves more mourning than SEVEN WEEKS!

I would be having a VERY hard time if I were in their shoes. For crying out loud, you shouldn't even date after a divorce for many months, but a death of a mate for life?!

Rubs me as extremely predatory on the part of the guy and extremely disrespectful of the husband by the woman! Did she come into a lot of money? Is this a rebound money honey?

Truly understand how they would be angry, I would be PISSED!



Dog people are a special breed!

Roundtwo
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Posted: 4/2/2013 2:54:32 PM

it's hard to hear about the concerts they are attending and how much fun they are having

i realize it's probably some escapism for her - but we don't get to escape ... i think that is where some of the anger is coming from
I think you are probably right. To the boys maybe it feels like she has just run away from her old life, which in their minds might mean she's run away from them as well. They would probably love to run away from the real world too but they can't right now, at least, because their mom has.

Everyone grieves very differently which is why I think there are so many ill feelings in families after the death of a loved one. We often project our own feelings and emotions and timelines onto others and then are completely blindsided when they express their grief in a manner that is completely different than what we would do.




I'm not really a new pea but am an anonymous pea who doesn't remember my original screen name before going anonymous. I don't want to be anonymous anymore but really I guess I am still anonymous since no one knows me anyway!

melodyesch
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Posted: 4/2/2013 2:57:54 PM
My mother told me one day that if she died on Friday night and my Dad was out on Saturday night that it was completely OK because had been a good husband. He never ran on her or stayed out drinking and always brought his check home. She died a couple of months later.

By a fluke, my Dad reconnected with his old high school sweetheart who had moved away when she was 17. They started talking on the phone a couple of months after my Mom died and now they live together.

God bless my mother for giving me that gift. Otherwise I'd be angry and hurt. Now I recognize that people grieve differently and everyone has their own lives to lead. They should let it go.

worker-pea
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Posted: 4/2/2013 3:11:27 PM
as said earlier, everyone grieves differently but I think your DH and his brother are viewing their mother through their own eyes, and need to step back and see the world (and the empty void) their mother sees and feels. They are feeling a loss of their father while their mom has lost her companion/husbnad/best friend. Its very easy to get myopic while going through the various stages of grief, and to think everyone sees and feels things as you do.

BTDT x 2,


MissyH

~~~Tact is for People who aren't Witty Enough to be Sarcastic~~~

Maite
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Posted: 4/2/2013 3:11:56 PM
A very dear friend of mine from work lost his wife unexpectedly. They were happily married for 40-some years, and one day she fell in a parking lot, hit her head, and was dead in less than 24 hrs. He found a girlfriend within 3 months and was married a year later. He told me very candidly that he didn't know how to be alone. I think maybe your MIL feels the same way.


Maite

A miracle is something that seems impossible but happens anyway.

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