How do you apologize when you are not really sorry

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Posted 5/1/2013 by benem in NSBR Board
 

benem
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Posted: 5/1/2013 9:11:30 PM
No really, tell me.

Let's just say for the sake of argument the other person is wrong wrong wrong, was incredibly rude and insulting, but for various reasons I need to smooth things over.

Me saying:

I'm sorry that YOU'RE SUCH A JERK

Will not be good, of course.

I basically just walked away when the swearing started (so mature!) but I can't leave it like this.

Or maybe I can. But is there a diplomatic way out of the situation? Someone here must be good at that. I just thought I'd ask.


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ginacivey
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Posted: 5/1/2013 9:15:47 PM
hell if i know

if you have to smooth it over

say something like

'i am sorry things got so heated when we last spoke'

gina

TravelAgent
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Posted: 5/1/2013 9:18:40 PM
What Gina said. Stick to "I'm sorry things reached this point."

I'm right there with you on several fronts at the moment. I have no problems apologizing. I just prefer the luxury of being the one who is wrong with I do it.

Julie



scraphop
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Posted: 5/1/2013 9:19:24 PM
A time or two I have just had to say "let's agree to disagree " and leave it at that.


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sandy1958
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Posted: 5/1/2013 9:20:38 PM
Wow - tough one...

You could say, "I am sorry for whatever part it is that you think I played in creating the problem that has become between us."

or,"I really would like to get over this rough spot, what can I do to hasten the process?"

I hope you find the right words to say that smooths things over.



Sandy
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benem
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Posted: 5/1/2013 9:54:06 PM
Gina that's good, I might be able to do that.

I am no monument to ethics but I hate being fake. Like saying "I'm sorry" when I'm really not is the kind of lie I hate to tell.

It's hard when you are trying to work something out and the other person sends you a message like "GO F--- YOURSELF, how do you like that?"

I mean seriously, what are you supposed to do at that point. I'm seriously pissed. But how do you just say, fine 10 years of friendship are over bc you are being a jerk.


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texgirl842
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Posted: 5/1/2013 9:57:18 PM
Sometimes I have had to say "I am sorry you feel that way."



Joy







Pea-T-A-Mom
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Posted: 5/1/2013 10:10:14 PM
I'm sorry we don't agree, or I'm sorry that we have this conflict, but I hope we can still work together


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lucyg819
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Posted: 5/1/2013 10:13:06 PM

You could say, "I am sorry for whatever part it is that you think I played in creating the problem that has become between us."

or,"I really would like to get over this rough spot, what can I do to hasten the process?"

Yeah, I would NOT use either of these suggested lines.

If someone I was having a problem with said either of the above to me, I'd tell her to call 1-800-BITE-ME.


LUCYG
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Pridemom
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Posted: 5/1/2013 10:19:00 PM
I agree with PeaTA mom. Just let them know your relationship is more important that who's right or wrong.




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lovestorun

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Posted: 5/1/2013 10:23:04 PM

Yeah, I would NOT use either of these suggested lines.

If someone I was having a problem with said either of the above to me, I'd tell her to call 1-800-BITE-ME.


yup, pretty much!!


- Michelle -

pennyring
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Posted: 5/1/2013 10:28:52 PM
You apologize for upsetting them, not for what you said. Apologize for the way the conversation turned, reassure them that their friendship is VERY important to you. Because you're sorry you're in this place, right? Apologize for that.

"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings/made you angry/whatever the situation is/fill in the blank. I didn't mean to do that. Your friendship is very important to me."




Burning Feather
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Posted: 5/1/2013 10:37:00 PM
I guess it depends on why you have to smooth things over. If it's someone I worked with, I would probably say "I'm sorry with the way we left things yesterday; can we have a fresh start today and put that behind us."

If it's someone you have a personal relationship with, I would probably try to be a little more sincere and say something along the lines of "I guess yesterday taught me that there are just certain things that we won't be able to see eye to eye on or discuss, so for the sake of our relationship, let's just leave those things out of it and focus on the things we have in common."

(But in my head, I'd be saying "but we both know I'm right" )


Carla




benem
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Posted: 5/1/2013 10:38:39 PM
That's the struggle. She upset ME first. So now I'm like

SHE STARTED IT!!!

And I would not back down though I tried to see her POV. But her POV is that she did not do or say anything wrong.

Me? I will say, yeah I was snippy -- bc you were being a jerk.

So I want to smooth it over... But when I think about saying, oh you were right and it was all my fault for upsetting you...

Them I go: grrrrr!

And I am stuck.


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benem
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Posted: 5/1/2013 10:42:49 PM
"I'm sorry with the way we left things yesterday; can we have a fresh start today and put that behind us...

-----

That's a beautiful turn of phrase. I love it.

Bc I am not sorry for upsetting her. Did I mention that SHE STARTED IT!!!! (stamps foot like a child)

I just want to smooth it over bc it is stupid to dump a 10 year friendship over this little spat. BUT IM NOT SORRY (stamp foot)

I know. I'm a baby. Sigh.


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Burning Feather
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Posted: 5/1/2013 10:47:50 PM
Unfortunately, you DO have to put it behind you and not just say you are going to if you ask her to do the same.

That never works for me, so I just pretend the person no longer exists and when someone mentions their name in the future, I'm all "WHO??"



Carla




angela1422
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Posted: 5/1/2013 10:54:56 PM
Ugh. FYI, I find, "I'm sorry you feel that way" to be EXTREMELY condescending! That would just piss me off more




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Epeanymous
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Posted: 5/1/2013 11:08:02 PM
"I'm sorry."

I mean, you can do as you like, but none of those suggestions I have read actually sound like an apology.

*KAS*
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Posted: 5/1/2013 11:37:42 PM
Here's a pretty good variation of what I would say if it was to one of my closest girlfriends. Although if she told me to F-off, I probably wouldn't consider her one of my closest girlfriends to begin with, honestly.

"Yesterday sucked. I think we have to agree to disagree and move forward. We've been friends for 10 years and would hate for it to end over this petty bullshit. Are we good?"

I'm pretty blunt and comfortable with my close friends. I don't hold grudges though, so you have to decide if you can get past it. I tend to get over things pretty quickly (which is NOT always a good thing); but again, I can't imagine a friend saying that to me, so maybe my opinion would be different if I was in the situation.


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sandy1958
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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:08:19 AM
I guess I would handle the situation all wrong... based on the quoting of my 2 suggestions.

However, I don't know that I could apologize to a friend that told me to F off, when I knew that I didn't do anything wrong.

You can do whatever you want to mend your friendship, but I have to wonder what kind of friend you are trying to make up with.

And believe me, I apologize all the time for things that are not my fault, but not to someone that is wrong, rude, and insulting!


Sandy
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miominmio
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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:18:51 AM
A friend telling me to F off? That would end the friendship right there, and no way in h**l would I apologize. But then I'm a person who hold grudges...... for a looooong time

mirabelleswalker
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Posted: 5/2/2013 1:16:27 AM
WWSBD?



lucyg819
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Posted: 5/2/2013 1:33:23 AM

However, I don't know that I could apologize to a friend that told me to F off, when I knew that I didn't do anything wrong.

Now THAT I can agree with.


LUCYG
northern california

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pea brain
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Posted: 5/2/2013 5:01:30 AM
Something that involves "I can hear that you are upset"



recap.pea
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Posted: 5/2/2013 5:19:59 AM
This may be passive but... I had a situation where this lady was upset with me for taking photos during a sermon

What she did not know was the guest speaker had asked me to take photos for him (I only took 4 photos during the 2 hr sermon.)

Church "friend" tore in to me about 3 weeks later saying it was rude and disruptive to be constantly snapping photos during his sermon.

I said "He asked me to take those 4 pictures, I am sorry that you felt it was disruptive"

That way I wasn't apologizing for what I did, let her know that I wasn't 'constantly' snapping and it felt like an apology to her I guess because she has been nice to me since then.

In your case I would say "I am sorry things got heated, but we are both smart enough to put it behind us and move on"


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ilovecookies
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Posted: 5/2/2013 5:44:59 AM

none of those suggestions I have read actually sound like an apology.


ITA. There's nothing worse than a fake or condescending "apology." IMO, it does far more damage than the original argument to say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "I'm sorry for whatever you think I did wrong," etc. Those are not apologies-they're just passive-aggressive digs, and they just waste everyone's time.

If you don't feel like you should apologize, then simply don't.



GrinningCat
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Posted: 5/2/2013 6:31:21 AM
Honestly, as much as you don't want to throw away the friendship, it sounds like she does. I don't think it's on you to apologize or make amends. I think it's on her.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You could say, "I am sorry for whatever part it is that you think I played in creating the problem that has become between us."

or,"I really would like to get over this rough spot, what can I do to hasten the process?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Yeah, I would NOT use either of these suggested lines.

If someone I was having a problem with said either of the above to me, I'd tell her to call 1-800-BITE-ME.
Or the tried and true "Go F*** Yourself" would come out of my mouth. These phrases are so phoney.

petesmom
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Posted: 5/2/2013 6:36:35 AM
Maybe she's ready to be done with the friendship? I wouldn't tell someone to go F themselves if I wanted a continued relationship with them.

Just a thought.

Quokka
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Posted: 5/2/2013 7:07:55 AM
"I'm sorry you feel that way" or as someone else said "I'm sorry it's come to this", pretty much works when you're sorry about the fallout but not what was the cause of it.

Gilly.



PepPea
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Posted: 5/2/2013 7:14:40 AM
How do you apologize when you're not really sorry????

You don't.


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scrapaholicmt
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Posted: 5/2/2013 7:31:02 AM
instead of saying you're sorry, try "its unfortunate that we've come to this point. I hope we can just let this go and move forward. I would hate for this to come between us."


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AncestralPea

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Posted: 5/2/2013 9:56:35 AM
You have been friends for 10 years and out of the blue the friend starts cursing at you and says F-off? Is she having a breakdown of some kind? Seems like unusual behavior or there is more to the story.


benem
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Posted: 5/3/2013 8:55:17 PM
Just an update. I never got a chance to do anything. My stepfather was taken ill that same day and has been in the ICU. Today I checked FB and she actually blocked me. Bc I said "I know how my bank works, geez!"

Yep. That was the terrible thing I said.

I still have her phone and I guess I could call her but now I'm all, really??? 13 years we have known each other and this is all it takes? Screw you too!

I'm probably just stressed over being at the ICU this week, too stressed to deal with her tantrum.


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CraftChickaPowPow
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Posted: 5/3/2013 9:13:02 PM

How do you apologize when you are not really sorry


I don't.


They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

missbitts
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Posted: 5/4/2013 8:36:12 AM
Did this whole original tiff happen ON Facebook? Or was it a private tiff, now spilled over to Facebook? In other words, did only she hear the comment she finds offensive, or was that out there for everyone?

Deigh PEA
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Posted: 5/4/2013 10:28:16 AM
If she is the one that started it (gosh, that's so childish!) then why should you need to apologize? I wouldn't want to hear a fake apology anyway, so I would not say anything.

If you apologize, then she'll go back and say to her friends, "Oh yeah, Benem????? apologized cause she knows she was wrong."


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Scraptologist
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Posted: 5/4/2013 10:34:53 AM
It's actually a matter of how you value the relationship.

Nyxish
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Posted: 5/4/2013 10:44:58 AM
At this point, with everything you have going on, i'd just let it be for a while. Focus on what you need to deal with - your step-dad and taking care of family and stuff - and just let things cool off. If once the immediate stresses have been dealt with you want to talk to her again, then call her. Maybe don't apologize or just apologize that you both got into a fight over something stupid and ask if you're good. If she is still pissy, ...whatever. Let her have her tantrum and if she's going to throw away your friendship... sucks but it's on her.





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