UPDATE Aspergers Moms -- REALLY need some advice
Post ReplyPost New TopicPosted 6/17/2013 by AspieMomCA in NSBR Board
 

AspieMomCA
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Posted: 6/17/2013 12:05:44 PM
I've been a long-time lurker of the NSBR, but have never once posted until today. I read every post about ADHD and Aspergers, and I'm finding myself in need of the peas' wisdom when it comes to how to proceed with my son.

My very young 8 year old has an ADHD diagnosis and is also on the spectrum. He's very social, makes friends wherever we go, but quickly annoys them. He seems to think the only way to make kids like him is to be 'funny.' Usually this takes the form of making burping and farting noises, doing armpit farts, or saying random things with the word 'fart' or 'poop' inserted sporadically. This was big in PreK (it's where he learned from the other kids how funny this could be), but his peers are quickly outgrowing this behavior and find him annoying.

Just last week I was shuttling a group of kids home from camp and was getting embarrassed FOR him, as he engaged in this behavior despite the requests of the other kids in the car to stop. I stepped in and asked him to stop, but he felt it would be even funnier to disobey and ramp it up even more. (That's another issue, but we really only have that kind of disobedience when he's in social situations and trying to 'impress' those around him.) I found myself getting so ANGRY at him for making the situation worse for himself, even though he'd never understand the how's and why's of it.

I want him to keep friends. Every single one of his peers at school and in the neighborhood are GOOD kids, and he'll be surrounded by these kids for years to come. We've had him in a Social Skills building group, which did wonders for certain behaviors (like teaching him to 'roll with it', not get bent out of shape when boys engage in teasing behaviors, engage in games where he doesn't make all the rules and isn't in charge, etc), but didn't tackle this big issue. In my opinion, this is due mostly to the fact that the others in the group actually find the things he's doing FUNNY and thus reinforce the behavior, leaving those that get irritated by it to be labeled as "stupid" and elicit an "I don't care" response from him.

If you've stuck with me this long, THANK YOU! Have any of you been there, done that? I just can't figure out how to keep him from embarrassing himself and distancing himself from his peers. He desperately WANTS friends and is constantly complaining of being bullied (though I'm not entirely certain this is reality). What can I do?? I'll do ANYTHING.

Thanks,
Jen

megmc
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Posted: 6/17/2013 12:09:17 PM
My son went to a friendship club at his school. It helped a lot on teaching him to behave with his peers.


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Posted: 6/17/2013 12:11:13 PM
I don't know what to tell you. At this point, the neurotypicals make just as much gas noises and annoy my 2 aspies.

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Posted: 6/17/2013 12:11:37 PM
Can you work with him to find other ways for him to be funny and engaging? Practice, practice, practice. Seriously, practice with him at home things he can say while with his friends. Maybe he just needs new material.






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Posted: 6/17/2013 12:20:12 PM
I wish I could offer something helpful. I know exactly what you're talking about. We didn't get an Aspergers diagnosis until my son was 12 so while I knew his interactions at that age (8-ish) were pushing others away, I had no idea why he did it or what I could do to change his behavior. He still has problems with this even now.


Joy


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Posted: 6/17/2013 12:23:39 PM
Get him some joke books and see how many he can learn.


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Posted: 6/17/2013 12:25:22 PM
This may sound odd, but at this age, theater camp really seemed to help my son. He couldn't figure out how to behave with other kids, so we sort of taught him how to "fake it" through acting.



sunny 5
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Posted: 6/17/2013 12:25:49 PM
I really recommend the materials of Michelle Garcia Winner--www.socialthinking.com

you can use the materials yourself,; often they are used by speech pathologists at school or by therapists. I would see how you could get this program implemented in his life.

he needs to be told bluntly that this is not working and work on substituting behavior. so he needs to continue social skills training (this should go on for years...) and maybe cognitive therapy..and you should develop a system of how to respond to this behavior...maybe adding in social stories.

reward him for not doing it..part of it is his age...he is acting 2/3 of his age and his peers are starting to reject him for it.
3rd grade is often the point for this...social skills and peer groups become much more important and less forgiving. if he has one or two close friends...you could tell them with your child that he is trying to work on this...but don't count on any of these kids being his friend.
sign him up for something that he is interested in...maybe scouts (did wonders for my kids), drama group, game card groups...whatever.

many kids with asperger's really only find true friends from people who are also quirky, or have similar interests. one friend is good.
as he gets older...my child benefited from playing video games online (controlled access), watching shows like survivor, amazing race...and have discussions of good and bad social behavior.
check out Winner's materials...my child in middle school was helped by learning the "social fake" and learning how to lie... we all do social lies.

this is a long process...best of luck.

AspieMomCA
PeaNut

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Posted: 6/17/2013 12:44:50 PM
Sincerest thanks to those that have chimed in already! Your suggestions are being written down and taken to heart! I do need to be more active with the social stories and teaching him more material. The Social Skills Group we had him in wasn't the best fit, and although the nearest one is an hour away, I'm recommitting ourselves for the school year.

I'd love to sign him up for an activity...the problem is, he doesn't WANT to do anything. He's at a nature camp this week, but does NOT want to do scouts. He did baseball for 3 seasons, but would refuse to play if the smallest thing didn't go his way. He is very self-conscious (no theater), doesn't like video games, and is most content playing in the woods, cutting down branches and building things with them. I think Scouts would be great for him, but he'll downright refuse to go. This has more to do with anxiety then behavior.

I have a few joke books here. I think I'll have him read me some jokes on the way home from camp. I really think he'd engage in that without realizing I'm trying to change his behavior!

megmc
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Posted: 6/17/2013 12:56:03 PM
My son never wanted to do anything either.

We forced him, because we knew he was just scared of trying new things.

As long as he tried, then he could say that he didn't like it.


Get him into dance or performing arts, you will be surprised at how much he will like it.

AspieMomCA
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Posted: 6/17/2013 1:03:05 PM
Oh, how I wish performing arts was an option. He won't even go up on stage to receive his school awards. His teacher last year allowed him to 'direct' his class during performances instead of making him go up on stage and perform (she was an angel!). During performances he would stand on stage while the others were singing, give us the death stare and mouth 'I hate you'...he was an anxious wreck. He is SO well-behaved unless the ADHD/Aspergers is kicked into full gear!

I think I may make him try Scouts this year, especially since the group would be his school peers.

sunny 5
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Posted: 6/17/2013 1:12:33 PM
doing scouts...I would be very up front with leaders...and also plan to be there to support him. you can plan out what will happen at meetings...go over ahead of time to help with anxiety. you might want to consider meds for anxiety ..my child started them at 8 and it made a big big difference.

so do social stories ahead of time, have a plan on what to do if plans change or things unexpected happen. let him be a bit of an observer at first, and plan to add in an activity at a time..
does your child have an iep at school? it may be time to look into this..as school gets more social, and more comprehension and less concrete skills...it will be harder. he could even get an iep just to assist with social situations...like the performances...or behavior challenges. or get him tested for pragmatic language...if he has a deficient (sounds like he does), then the speech therapist could do social skills training with him or a lunch bunch or something.

don't let him lead totally. I used to take my kid hiking and camping, and would bribe her with wintergreen lifesavers to keep going when it got tough. she would be put in situations where stuff changed without notice. by high school, she was thanking me for making her do stuff like this...to make her learn to pick up, to clean, to cook, to take care of own stuff, to go when she feels like quitting...many of her peers with AS had not been made to do anything and it showed.

another book to check out is books by Dr. Kathryn Stewart.

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Posted: 6/17/2013 1:46:28 PM
What about trying a creative problem solving team? Destination Imagination and Odyssey of the Mind are both great programs where he could work with peers in a small group toward a common goal. There its a presentation at the end of the year, but the kids get to assign parts so he could take a non speaking role, behind the scenes. There is a lot of building and creating, so it's good for kids with imagination, but you still have to stay within the rules of the problem.

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Posted: 6/17/2013 2:15:40 PM
Have you considered a social skills class for him?
My DS actually had that during school, provided by the district. They called it Speech but it was actually Social Skills

And, there are some good books you can buy from amazon

And there's a website called Wrong Planet that's a wealth of info. There are message boards there where you can find any kind of support you need for an Aspergian

What we did with our DS was spend a lot of time talking about social cues, reading body language and facial expressions and appropriate behavior.

I exhaust myself daily anticipating what could happen in a social situation and making sure we discuss it

As an example: DS went to his first high school party this weekend.
I had to think of every scenario I could and prepare him with what is and is not okay.
He went, had a wonderful time and was glad we talked a lot beforehand.

I didn't anticipate a few things and he said a could of things he shouldn't have but all in all it went well.

I'm thankful he shares everything with me. He knows he is the way he is and knows kids are put off sometimes. So he tries really hard to do and say the right thing.

He doesn't embarrass. Ever. In fact, he had to write an essay this year about his most embarrassing moment and he doesn't have one.
He had to talk to his teacher and explain that he just doesn't get embarrassed.
Even though his teachers know he has Aspergers, they don't understand the not getting embarrassed thing.

It's hard for someone who never gets embarrassed to be like others when shame and embarrassment help people behave correctly.

So, a lot of this will be on you OP. Anticipate the social situations and discuss them first
Talk to him often about how his friends have outgrown that type of humor and its inappropriate and they're laughing because they're uncomfortable with it, not because its funny

Good luck.

Oh, and seek a Support Group in your area.

I found one here that's quite fantastic
The parents there are a wealth of great info and resources


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Posted: 6/17/2013 2:20:07 PM
Are you in California or Canada?
If you're in California, are you in so cal?
I can help you find a support group if you are


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megmc
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Posted: 6/17/2013 2:20:29 PM
mouthing I hate!...that is so funny, because

I forced my son to go audition for the senior musical.
Every five minutes I got this text from him, I HATE YOU, THIS IS STUPID. He got a great part, and had a lot of fun.

The funny part was that he could have gone in the front door and out the back door. Called his friends to go have coffee. I never would have known that he never auditioned, but he stuck it out.


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Posted: 6/17/2013 2:52:05 PM

I think Scouts would be great for him, but he'll downright refuse to go. This has more to do with anxiety then behavior.

Specific to this: although this won't help you now, he may come around on this.

My son, now 12, was invited to a Cub scout meeting in third grade by a friend and had ZERO interest. I really wanted him to join, as at the time he didn't have any interest in organized sports (he now runs and swims) or other activities. A good friend said to give it time, that her son didn't join until 7th grade.

To my surprise, the same friend asked him to a meeting this winter (now 6th grade) and he came home wanting to join.

Best of luck with the social issues. Maybe it's time for a different social skills group?



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Posted: 6/17/2013 3:07:06 PM
A social skills class. DS went to one run through the developmental clinic at our children's hospital. He was shown how to enter a conversation, how to not monopolise it, to talk about things that other people like as well as his interests, what was funny and what was rude/hurtful/annoying. They used a traffic light flash card system, green if everything was good, yellow if things were getting off course, and red if something inappropriate/or hurtful was said. Then they would stop the role play and work out what went wrong. We practiced this at home until it became second nature. Some kids have a natural grasp of social cues, but many Aspies have to learn them like times tables or spelling words. DS is nearly 18 now and still has the little traffic light card in his wallet. I will say that maturity has a lot to do with it, and DS was very young for his age, all the way through primary school. He's still a total nerd, bless him....into pokemon and Anime, watches Nicolodeon, but he's also got a job, a girlfriend and a learners permit, and he's going to university next year, so he's learnt to balance things out.


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Posted: 6/17/2013 3:26:27 PM
First of all, I have to say that I found the years between 4th and 8th by far the hardest. I don't know if it was puberty, or just the rise in maturing that the other kids were doing, when mine was still happy to hold my hand in the parking lot. DS is 16 now and surprisingly, high school is easier for him socially. I think it's easier, as kids hang out by groups and not everyone is expected to be your best buddy.

We have a rule. You have to do at least one activity. Youth group, scouts, football, anything. He can pick or we will choose for him. Surprisingly, he has done a lot of stuff. He has a black belt in TaeKwonDo, is very active in scouts and just got his Order of the Arrow, plays on the JV football team and is an alter server. Over the years, we have found that he doesn't do as well with team activities. That's why TKD was good for him. But we needed to expand his social skills and he wanted to try football, so he tried out for the team. He was a first string lineman last year. For now, I would suggest a non-team activity and make it something with concrete rules. Swimming is good, as the kids perform individually but are still a part of a team. DS likes scouts because of the rank advancement and the recognition. And while he's great at public speaking, he hates pretending. So being is a play would be agonizing for him.

We have a signal and a code word for when he isn't acting appropriately. For a while it was Batman, then fire truck. Now it's just "stop". It's a firm line for us. I try not to use it unnecessarily, but he is expected to listen if I say the code word.


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Posted: 6/17/2013 3:58:01 PM
My ds was diagnosed adhd in 2nd grade & we saw a lot of the same behaviors. He still does it but is much better at accepting re-direction now. He is 9 & just finished 3rd grade, we really noticed a lot of maturing emotionally & socially this year. In the past he would do the same & just be "too much" for other kids after awhile. My heart broke for him. We have found that he does better one on one & with friends that are also a little goofy

Also he started ju jitsu this year & it has really helped him learn to control himself, I think he just feels more in tune with his body & is developing more confidence. His teacher really focuses a lot on respect with them.

So I guess what I am trying to say is hang in there, that age is rough but in our experience it gets better!


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AspieMomCA
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Posted: 6/17/2013 4:02:00 PM
Again, thank you all SO much for your input!! It's priceless.

He does not have an IEP, as he's been in a private Christian school since PreK3. You would never know anything is amiss if you aren't nearby when he's having free-time with his peers. When I mention these issues at school, they look at me like I have 3 heads. He doesn't act inappropriately at all, more so out of obedience than anything else, though. He doesn't really need any modifications outside of the occasional anxiety-provoking situation, and I've been hesitant to ask for any, as the real world isn't going to make any! I don't have my head in the sand, but I also don't want to raise a child that expects everyone to make his life easier.

For those that mentioned individual sports, you definitely have something there. He did karate when he was younger, but had a terrible time focusing (this was before the ADHD diagnosis and pre-meds) and doesn't want to try it again. He likes golf, but when we arranged for private lessons, the first day he refused to get out of the car. Group lessons will start again in the Fall, so he'll do that. We, too, have always said "one activity...you must do SOMETHING" and though we've tried a lot of different ones, he hasn't found his niche. Oh...he went to swimming tryouts, and the coach assured him he could reach the bottom of the pool. So, he jumps in and NOPE...he can't reach. I was so proud of him, though, he swam his lap! When he got out of the pool, though, he started yelling at me and trying to hit because he was SO scared and frustrated that he was lied to. Needless to say, he STILL hasn't forgiven the swim coach!

And to the mom that said her son never gets embarrassed, I can sympathize. My son's anxiety will keep him from trying things, but his inappropriate behavior does nothing to shame him into changing it. If he trips and falls or something, he gets VERY angry and will try to react physically.

So, I picked him up from camp today and he randomly tells me "They kept trying to pull my finger!" I talked to him about how I know he was trying to make friends, but kids his age don't really find that funny anymore." He kept giving me excuses, so I told him I'd ask his counselors tomorrow if he was acting/talking in appropriately, and if he was then he'd have a consequence. There's enough going on there that he doesn't need to fill the silence with passing gas!! Only later did it come out that "I kept asking them to pull my finger but they wouldn't." **shakes head in frustration**

So, we'll see how tomorrow goes. I'll just be vigilant tomorrow in reminding him to act appropriately, and give him suggestions of other ways he can engage the kids.

Thanks again

AspieMomCA
PeaNut

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Posted: 6/17/2013 4:05:56 PM
OH...one thing I forgot to mention. The particular behaviors I mentioned in my OP are BIG 'side effects' I guess you can say of his ADHD. When his meds are at the proper doses, we have VERY little of this behavior. When he's on the wrong med, it's almost like a tic...it's just constant fart noises and words. He's currently on Strattera and isn't scheduled for an increase because of his weight...yet I really feel he needs it. We've gone through virtually every ADHD med, and finally landed on Strattera, so I'm really hesitant to change anything. However, the behaviors go away almost with the right dose. Ugh!

sunny 5
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Posted: 6/17/2013 4:34:39 PM
in my experience, as kids get into middle and high school, they may need more support than early elementary school. not getting necessary help cause "the real world won't give them any help" can be a losing strategy. without the help needed and therapy, and maybe meds, and maybe social skills support, the kids won't get through middle and high school. their anxiety and social mistakes will put barriers in the way of success. they can become suicidal and/or hide in the basement.

not all kids need this...but i have seen many kids who crashed and burned in middle school. the real world doesn't expect you to hang out with peers and fit into little boxes. or take courses in subjects you may fail..like speech.

it can take support to get through college.. my child has early registration (essential!!) and can access the counselors at the center for students with disabilities.

AspieMomCA
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Posted: 6/17/2013 5:15:03 PM
Oh, I'm certainly not against getting outside support, just that up until this point we haven't needed to utilize support in the classroom. We have a great team of Drs and therapists we work with, but just haven't found the right social skills instructor. Ideally, I'd like to use as much intervention as we can now, in hopes of needing less down the road. It's my fault we fell off the social skills group wagon. The group was just so late at night and 45 minutes away. On a school night, it was really tough for him to muster up the emotional reserves.

After discussing the farting issue ad nauseum today, he just made an inappropriate joke and then farted (sitting next to us on the couch). I had enough and sent him to his room. All I can do sometimes is take away the reinforcer, but sadly...sometimes the only one he seems to care about entertaining is himself.

***He just came out, I asked him if he understood why I sent him to his room, etc, he says no. So I remind him, and he says, "GOSH, YOU COULD HAVE WARNED ME." Thank God for red wine!!

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Posted: 6/17/2013 6:28:47 PM
"***He just came out, I asked him if he understood why I sent him to his room, etc, he says no. So I remind him, and he says, "GOSH, YOU COULD HAVE WARNED ME." Thank God for red wine!!"



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Posted: 6/17/2013 11:12:35 PM
What of the key elements regarding AS is the lack of picking up social cues. My son is 131/2 and at about age 11 we starting talking to him about Aspergers. We clued him in on some of the "challenges" of the syndrome and explained how he could better his behavior. You could reach out to a counselor or read up on how to guide him through the tricky parts. This sounds totally "normal" for AS.


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Posted: 6/17/2013 11:19:09 PM
Also my son is on Buspirone for his anxiety. A low dose. We don't notice when he's on it but do notice when he's not-if that makes sense. It seems to have a nice low level effect on his anxiety


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Posted: 6/17/2013 11:55:05 PM
Someone already mentioned Social Thinking by Michelle Garcia, and I wanted to second that recommendation! The program is called Superflex and I use it with my DD who has ADHD and anxiety/mood disorder. I also taught SpEd for 7 years, and used it for the last 5 with my ASD kids in particular. The kids really get it and the way you want explicitly teach social stories and socially appropriate behaviour. Please, take a look at it, and see if you can get an OT or Speech therapist or social group that uses it. An incredibly good program!



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Posted: 6/18/2013 8:04:31 AM
My son is 14 with adhd and aspergers. You have gotten some really good advice. In fact, I've taken notes myself! He just doesn't seem to understand the cause and effect of his actions-it is frustrating. You have to be very blunt and even then, it doesn't get through.

When my son was that age, we had to constantly change his medications and/or dose to find something that worked. Their bodies are changing so rapidly, it's hard to keep up.

As far as theatre goes....it takes more than just actors to put on a good show. Would he like to do sound/lighting or other technical aspects? My ds would never get up on a stage, but has expressed interest in the behind-the-scenes technical aspect.

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Posted: 6/18/2013 8:15:18 AM
My daughter has innattentive ADD. She is what I call "tone deaf" to how immature and annoying she can be when she's not on the right dosage of meds. She is on both a stim med Vyvanse (to keep her from getting "stuck" and to move forward) and a non-stim like Straterra to help her "connect" with others. When her dosages are correct she does amazing!! Shes charming and funny, sharp witted and adorable. Wrong meds and we all want to pull our hair out because shes nit picking and antagonistic. At 11 she can tell me when she feels like her meds are "off."


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Posted: 6/18/2013 8:18:23 AM
ABA Therapy! My son is high functioning, and it works! Teaches them what is ok and not ok in social situations.



AspieMomCA
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Posted: 6/18/2013 9:42:15 AM
Thank you again to everyone who chimed in this morning!! I'm almost embarrassed to say, but in my past life (the one before kids!) I was an ABA therapist! It's helped immensely in my approach to him and his challenges, but...well, doctors shouldn't operate on their own kids!

Unfortunately, being in a private school, there aren't any services offered for social skill building during the school day. His school is extremely open to helping in any and all ways, but school isn't really the issue! He's a dream at school! He does come home saying no one likes him, but I volunteer enough to know what's really going on.

I will definitely be looking into the resources mentioned, so thank you again. I tried talking to him this morning about how he sometimes gets to be "too much" and then people don't want to be around him. Some moments he's super sensitive to constructive criticism and others he seems completely oblivious, but he seemed to 'hear' me. I told him on the way to camp that he was being "too much" and he toned down.

Funny side note: He was playing with Siri on my phone, and after a few (20) questions Siri answered him in a not-too-amused way and he said "I think Siri's getting annoyed with me."

He has a friend coming over after camp, which is great for him...he does really well one-on-one, but I worry about the car ride home. He'll be super excited and will likely become WAY too much. I'll really need to be on my game to redirect him. It's so exhausting sometimes...

Christine58
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Posted: 6/18/2013 9:53:35 AM


He has a friend coming over after camp, which is great for him...he does really well one-on-one, but I worry about the car ride home. He'll be super excited and will likely become WAY too much. I'll really need to be on my game to redirect him. It's so exhausting sometimes...


Set the boundaries before he gets in the car. Tell him what is expected. Aspergers or not, kids need to be reminded what the rules are.



Some people only dream of angels, I have held one in my arms.





AspieMomCA
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Posted: 6/18/2013 11:03:43 AM
Yes, absolutely. Right now, I'm 'punishing' the behavior...but what do you do when they just CAN'T seem to stop??

sunny 5
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Posted: 6/18/2013 11:11:14 AM
have them take them selves to another place to pull self together.. or maybe give them a task...squeeze this ball 50 times before you open your mouth..
ignore.

it is not easy. and you have to continue your strategy for a long time before it comes automatic.
draw up list of rules for different places. then, redirect by saying the rules don't allow...depersonalize stuff.

AspieMomCA
PeaNut

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Posted: 6/18/2013 11:54:14 AM
I really like the idea of having him do a task that he'd need to focus on. I might try offering him some gum when I pick him up, in hopes of keeping him orally stimulated in a more appropriate way!

I also reached out to his old speech therapist to inquire about Social Thinking. Hopefully she'll have some resources for me.

3kidmama
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Posted: 6/18/2013 12:46:14 PM
This is going to sound totally CRAZY - and just please know that this is coming from someone who's kids are all grown now and in college. (So likely not worth much at all! LOL)

I have a strange heart condition and use a service dog. Gracie is a 11yo golden retriever. This comment

Yes, absolutely. Right now, I'm 'punishing' the behavior...but what do you do when they just CAN'T seem to stop??

made me think of Gracie. Because we've intentionally trained her to be excited and happy when people come to our house (we don't want her attacking a paramedic in an emergency situation) - she sometimes gets to be "too much" around newly arrived guests. I tell her to "hushhhhhhh" . She then goes and find a red toy ball of hers and carried it around in her mouth! Her tail is still wagging and she continues to "greet" our guests by going over to each one - but she no longer is barking and whining and being obnoxious.

I've since read that carrying something in their mouth is something dogs use as "self-calming" or "self-soothing". Sooo, apparently my Gracie has figured out what SHE needs to do to be able to respond to my command to "hushhhh" when she's in an excited state!

I'm reading this thread with interest - and just wondering if there are ideas that kids with challenges like your son can use to "self-sooth" in a healthy but discrete way? Squeeze a toy in their pocket? Some kind of finger exercise, mentally hum through a song or poem.....

Not sure what that might look like for your son or ANY individual child, and OBVIOUSLY kids are 1000% different that service dogs, but I just smiled reading that statement as I thought about Gracie's "self-calming" trick.

Just a weird idea.......

AspieMomCA
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Posted: 6/18/2013 3:19:41 PM
It's not a weird idea at all! That's exactly what he DOES need. He needs different coping strategies for situations he feels out of control. But most importantly, he needs to learn how to recognize when he's feeling that way. I try to label it for him, but once he gets 'going' it's hard to get him to stop.

Today's playdate has been miserable. My husband just got home and took over, thank God, because I was losing my mind. My son has shown no interest in his friend and only wanted to do single-person activities. When I stepped in and offered his friend a chance, he started running his mouth and talking down to his friend. He then blew up and went to his room, where he yelled at his friend to go away.

My husband was able to get our son to go outside and play baseball with his friend, but not 30 seconds later he carries our son inside crying because he somehow ran over his foot on his dirt bike. Supposedly. I'm skeptical, since he didn't want to play in the first place.

I'm heartbroken and frustrated and just sad

sunny 5
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Posted: 6/18/2013 3:32:02 PM
stress items...balloons with rice (small hand sized ball to squeeze)...maybe a hard candy, maybe something else.

why not try just parent and child activities for a while? it can be too much sometimes to have someone in your space, playing with your toys.

my child had several failed playdates...but basically I gave up on them and let her play by herself...then had her in scouts for a group activity. he sounds like he just isn't ready for this playdate.

AspieMomCA
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Posted: 6/18/2013 3:57:31 PM
It was his idea...he begged me for one. And he has another one here tomorrow because I need to watch a friend's son. I think the exhaustion from being outside in the heat at camp all day made this afternoon particularly unbearable.

Maritimer35
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Posted: 6/18/2013 8:52:03 PM
Great suggestions! When my son was your son's age, he was behaving similarly. I had a non verbal cue for him when he was being inappropriate with the other kids. When he saw me point a finger, he knew he had gone too far. At school, the teacher would tap the corner of his desk and that was his cue to stop and listen. It was a way to correct him, without the other friends catching on. It didn't always work, but often times it did. We also had him in s outs and later cadets. He loves the structure of cadets. We tried a ton of individual sports. As he grew older, he directed us in the activities. He is a goalie for hockey. He chose it and it is perfect for him. He has one job-keep the puck out of the net. No real team work, but he still is part of a team. I hope this helps. Take care.

peanutterbutter
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Posted: 6/18/2013 9:07:00 PM
Lots of great ideas here - way to go proactive moms!!!!!

Just a suggestion (based on the others) - if you go the "stress ball " route, I wanted to suggested the little balls that you use in the pool. I use those all the time w/clients who are "throwers" - when those things are not wet they have no substance behind them and really can't hurt anyone else( I don't know if your son is a thrower when he's frustrated), but they do make a great stress ball, and I get them at the dollar tree.

AspieMomCA
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Posted: 6/19/2013 7:03:08 AM
I'll have to try the balls! My main concern is quieting his MOUTH!! Maybe I'll have him chew on it

I connected with his old speech therapist last night, and she's going to start working with him again and works with many kids on the spectrum. He loves her, so hopefully this will go well. Hopefully she'll have some additional resources for me on social skills groups, etc.

Thanks again!!

Jebber
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Posted: 6/19/2013 7:18:10 AM
Duct tape?

How about a more structured play date? I'm thinking you could play a board game with them, or some other interactive game. Maybe you have to be the third wheel for a while?

((hugs))) It's not easy. My 14 year old just had his 9th grade physcial yesterday. He walked out of the office when the nurse told him he had to wear a gown. I hadn't even thought about that. The visit took much longer than it should have and bless the doctor (who was a man) who offered to handle everything in an isolated room so he didn't have to worry about anyone seeing him.

*Delphinium Twinkle*
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Posted: 6/19/2013 7:51:27 AM
"Unfortunately, being in a private school, there aren't any services offered for social skill building during the school day. His school is extremely open to helping in any and all ways, but school isn't really the issue! He's a dream at school! He does come home saying no one likes him, but I volunteer enough to know what's really going on."


I don't know where you live but our public schools will give services to private school kids of they aren't available in their schools.
The families all pay taxes for school even if the choose to send their kids to private school so services are still available


Bethie
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